Loss of Independence?

WEBVTT

00:00:10.432 --> 00:00:12.676
<v Speaker 1>Hey guys, welcome back to the Preview Lentons podcast.

00:00:12.676 --> 00:00:15.260
<v Speaker 1>This is Sarah and Whitney And guys.

00:00:15.260 --> 00:00:22.131
<v Speaker 1>I apologize if I sign on a little horsey today but I guess I've just talked too much this week to my children and everybody involved.

00:00:22.131 --> 00:00:40.219
<v Speaker 1>But we are excited to be with you today And today's conversation goes along with Fourth of July Week, independence And so, as moms, we're celebrating Independence this week, but there's also a loss of Independence.

00:00:41.622 --> 00:00:44.630
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, i mean we can't go and do like we used to.

00:00:44.911 --> 00:00:45.792
<v Speaker 1>No, no, no.

00:00:46.000 --> 00:00:59.110
<v Speaker 2>Even you know, we feel like we lose a little bit of Independence when we get married or when we get into a committed relationship, but we still have autonomy, correct, we can still grab our keys and get in the car and go, and we can just do that.

00:00:59.110 --> 00:01:01.968
<v Speaker 2>We literally just grab the keys and go.

00:01:02.240 --> 00:01:06.390
<v Speaker 1>You grab your purse and you're just like okay, i'll see you in an hour Yeah or whenever?

00:01:06.531 --> 00:01:10.599
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and then you don't even have to have a plane, you can just go You have no responsibilities.

00:01:10.719 --> 00:01:17.671
<v Speaker 1>You don't have any person that needs you for their nourishment, their sleep, their life.

00:01:19.959 --> 00:01:29.945
<v Speaker 2>And so when we become a mom, how much more do we lose our own autonomy and our own independence, because we can't just grab the keys and go, no, okay, do I have the diaper bag?

00:01:29.945 --> 00:01:30.647
<v Speaker 2>Do I have diapers?

00:01:30.647 --> 00:01:31.347
<v Speaker 2>Do I have wipes?

00:01:31.347 --> 00:01:33.090
<v Speaker 2>Do I have pouches?

00:01:33.090 --> 00:01:34.070
<v Speaker 2>Do I have bottles?

00:01:34.070 --> 00:01:35.052
<v Speaker 2>Do I have a sippy cup?

00:01:35.052 --> 00:01:35.834
<v Speaker 2>Do I have da-da-da-da-da?

00:01:35.834 --> 00:01:43.109
<v Speaker 2>Oh, and I also have to remember the tiny human I have to keep alive, or multiple humans, depending on where you're at in Motherhood.

00:01:43.813 --> 00:01:44.879
<v Speaker 2>And all of those things.

00:01:44.879 --> 00:01:49.563
<v Speaker 2>And we got to make sure you know that we got gas in the car, because heaven forbid you stop at the gas station.

00:01:49.563 --> 00:01:52.185
<v Speaker 2>Maybe your children do not behave at the gas station.

00:01:52.346 --> 00:01:53.108
<v Speaker 1>No, they don't, We don't know.

00:01:54.280 --> 00:01:54.941
<v Speaker 2>And so it's one of those.

00:01:54.941 --> 00:01:59.031
<v Speaker 2>Nothing is ever just straightforward anymore.

00:01:59.031 --> 00:01:59.840
<v Speaker 2>It's.

00:01:59.840 --> 00:02:06.947
<v Speaker 2>We're not only taking care of ourselves, but we're having to maintain others, so we never have that full independence again.

00:02:07.209 --> 00:02:28.325
<v Speaker 1>No, and you know, doing the research for this episode, there's a medical anthropologist, dana Refiel, who stated you know, in a writing which I love And it's talking about becoming a mother, right, and a lot of cultures say a woman has given birth, we say a child is born.

00:02:28.325 --> 00:02:40.373
<v Speaker 1>So we're kind of, even from that get-go, not acknowledging that the mom has went through this like life transition, that I don't care who you are, it's going to rock you.

00:02:40.695 --> 00:02:41.539
<v Speaker 2>Oh, absolutely.

00:02:41.539 --> 00:02:56.467
<v Speaker 2>I mean, how can it not, even if you have the most like uncomplicated, seamless pregnancy and labor and delivery and hospital experience, you are still now a new person navigating something you've never had to do before.

00:02:56.467 --> 00:03:03.829
<v Speaker 2>Your child is learning how to human at the same time, and that first six weeks is so hard.

00:03:04.620 --> 00:03:06.706
<v Speaker 1>I mean even that fourth time, master right.

00:03:07.168 --> 00:03:07.770
<v Speaker 2>Oh yes.

00:03:08.300 --> 00:03:09.926
<v Speaker 1>Because they're used to being your womb.

00:03:09.926 --> 00:03:14.162
<v Speaker 1>You're used to them being your belly, Your partners.

00:03:14.162 --> 00:03:18.352
<v Speaker 1>you know your partnership has been a you and them thing, so like a two-person relationship.

00:03:18.352 --> 00:03:24.872
<v Speaker 1>Now you have a third person who you can't say this is a boundary baby.

00:03:24.872 --> 00:03:26.305
<v Speaker 1>Like, we're not going to do this.

00:03:26.305 --> 00:03:29.745
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, babies, don't quite understand boundaries And they just need you.

00:03:29.745 --> 00:03:35.912
<v Speaker 1>And so you don't have like you know, you don't have like a slow build, because it hits you all at once.

00:03:36.051 --> 00:03:36.352
<v Speaker 2>Oh yeah.

00:03:36.352 --> 00:03:43.451
<v Speaker 2>As much as you think you're prepared for it, there's nothing to truly prepare for all the things that we have to be aware of as moms.

00:03:43.451 --> 00:03:46.128
<v Speaker 2>No one can really truly prepare you for the sleep deprivation.

00:03:46.128 --> 00:03:52.343
<v Speaker 2>We talk about it, but until you've lived it, you don't really know how it will impact you or affect you.

00:03:52.343 --> 00:04:01.736
<v Speaker 2>We don't really understand what that hormone crash is going to look and feel like And you know whether you're breastfeeding or you're formula feeding.

00:04:01.796 --> 00:04:14.347
<v Speaker 2>you don't really know what that's going to look like, what that's going to feel like, what that transition is you know all of the complications that can come from that, whether it's mastitis or a low supply or what have you.

00:04:14.347 --> 00:04:17.112
<v Speaker 2>No one can truly prepare you for that.

00:04:17.661 --> 00:04:41.995
<v Speaker 2>So, it is a huge I had to say like a perfect storm, but it is almost that perfect storm of physical change, emotional change, mental change, all of it all at once And you got to keep up quick And I think it's like it hits you too because it's you know, if we go back to adolescence, right, we had no control, kind of like, of our bodies going through that, our minds.

00:04:42.637 --> 00:04:56.189
<v Speaker 1>things felt weird with our friends, with our family with like who we are And, honestly, becoming a mom's really not that different We don't have a lot of control over it And you know everybody's like I don't know who I am anymore.

00:04:56.189 --> 00:05:02.824
<v Speaker 1>And I guarantee if you're a mom, especially a first time mom, you have said I don't know who I am anymore.

00:05:02.824 --> 00:05:03.987
<v Speaker 1>We all say that.

00:05:03.987 --> 00:05:04.507
<v Speaker 1>Who am I?

00:05:04.769 --> 00:05:05.209
<v Speaker 2>Who am I?

00:05:06.339 --> 00:05:07.588
<v Speaker 1>And it's not like and it's not.

00:05:07.588 --> 00:05:11.427
<v Speaker 1>You know, i always hate when people are like Oh, it's a stay at home mom thing versus working mom thing.

00:05:11.427 --> 00:05:13.245
<v Speaker 1>I don't care what you do.

00:05:13.245 --> 00:05:16.687
<v Speaker 1>You are still putting your knees on the back burner.

00:05:16.959 --> 00:05:21.872
<v Speaker 2>You're still a mom who is trying to navigate something that's incredibly challenging and ever changing.

00:05:22.300 --> 00:05:24.766
<v Speaker 1>I mean the fact that we cannot go to the restroom alone.

00:05:24.766 --> 00:05:25.146
<v Speaker 1>Nope.

00:05:26.569 --> 00:05:28.021
<v Speaker 2>You know I Come on now.

00:05:28.043 --> 00:05:47.156
<v Speaker 1>My six year old is just now to the mom, Okay, mom, you can do that without me, but my two and a half year old And so you just had these basic things that you used to do right, like comb my hair, brush my teeth, peel out, and all that gets It gets taken away, essentially.

00:05:47.449 --> 00:05:48.375
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, oh, it does.

00:05:48.730 --> 00:05:53.838
<v Speaker 1>And you're just like wait, i didn't realize I needed that basic time for myself.

00:05:53.838 --> 00:05:56.858
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and how does that ultimately play out?

00:05:56.858 --> 00:06:00.901
<v Speaker 1>Is again a loss of who am I?

00:06:00.901 --> 00:06:05.598
<v Speaker 1>And then you may be like how am I going to be in this relationship?

00:06:05.598 --> 00:06:06.913
<v Speaker 1>How am I going to be a wife?

00:06:06.913 --> 00:06:08.975
<v Speaker 1>How am I going to be a friend?

00:06:09.197 --> 00:06:09.418
<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

00:06:09.790 --> 00:06:12.437
<v Speaker 1>You know, my friends and me used to go grab drinks after work.

00:06:12.437 --> 00:06:12.877
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

00:06:12.877 --> 00:06:15.392
<v Speaker 1>OK, you can't do that, can't really do that anymore.

00:06:15.392 --> 00:06:18.415
<v Speaker 1>You know it's like Not without a lot of planning.

00:06:18.415 --> 00:06:23.422
<v Speaker 1>Right, myself as who I am with a job that sleep deprivation.

00:06:23.422 --> 00:06:25.216
<v Speaker 1>Now you're thinking you're back your head of your kid.

00:06:25.216 --> 00:06:26.353
<v Speaker 1>Your kid's sick.

00:06:26.353 --> 00:06:35.899
<v Speaker 1>It's going to put you in a place, no matter how awesome you are or what your resources are.

00:06:35.899 --> 00:06:39.814
<v Speaker 1>You're always going to say, like, who am I And am I a good mom?

00:06:41.129 --> 00:06:52.336
<v Speaker 2>Well, because I think again, social media just kind of puts the kerosene on the fire for this as far as the comparison game and feeling like we aren't living up to all of these expectations.

00:06:52.336 --> 00:06:55.559
<v Speaker 2>But honestly, those are a lot of self-imposed expectations.

00:06:55.559 --> 00:07:01.259
<v Speaker 2>It's the comparison game And, as cliche as this is, comparison is a thief of joy.

00:07:01.259 --> 00:07:11.276
<v Speaker 2>100%, it is a thief of joy, and so what we have to understand is our baby's expectations of us are literally to keep them alive and comfort them.

00:07:11.576 --> 00:07:11.798
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

00:07:12.250 --> 00:07:21.875
<v Speaker 2>They do not expect to have the most expensive car seat or the fanciest crib or the Pinterest house or whatever it may be.

00:07:21.875 --> 00:07:26.997
<v Speaker 2>They just need their basic needs met And also, as moms, that's what we need.

00:07:26.997 --> 00:07:33.377
<v Speaker 2>So kind of pulling that back into social work school, and some of you may have heard, this is Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

00:07:33.589 --> 00:07:35.476
<v Speaker 1>Basic needs that we have to have met.

00:07:35.497 --> 00:07:44.901
<v Speaker 2>Exactly At the bottom of that pyramid or triangle you've got food, shelter, water security.

00:07:44.901 --> 00:07:48.598
<v Speaker 2>Those are everybody's basic, foundational needs.

00:07:48.598 --> 00:07:54.014
<v Speaker 2>But when those needs aren't met, or they're not met consistently, we can't go up the hierarchy.

00:07:55.538 --> 00:07:56.220
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, we can't.

00:07:56.579 --> 00:07:57.302
<v Speaker 2>It's not possible.

00:07:57.430 --> 00:08:06.052
<v Speaker 1>You don't have a foundation And it's hard, especially in those newborn days right, It's like you'll be like did I eat Some days?

00:08:06.052 --> 00:08:10.634
<v Speaker 1>still, my kids, i've filled their water bottles up 50,000 times.

00:08:10.634 --> 00:08:14.240
<v Speaker 1>Oh, of course, and I'm like have I drank an ounce of water today?

00:08:14.240 --> 00:08:14.634
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

00:08:15.629 --> 00:08:20.160
<v Speaker 1>You know, so you don't even always try to do this better.

00:08:20.160 --> 00:08:25.273
<v Speaker 1>Now You've taught me a lot of inner reflection of OK, sarah, what's going on?

00:08:25.273 --> 00:08:28.295
<v Speaker 1>Have you ate, yeah, or your basic needs being met?

00:08:28.295 --> 00:08:29.259
<v Speaker 1>Have you hydrated?

00:08:29.259 --> 00:08:30.694
<v Speaker 1>Did you not sleep last night?

00:08:30.694 --> 00:08:36.778
<v Speaker 1>Like let's hit those three things And then let's see what else is going on, correct, yep?

00:08:36.778 --> 00:08:42.196
<v Speaker 1>Like now that I'm in menopause, i'm like, ok, do I need my hormones rebalance?

00:08:42.196 --> 00:08:48.634
<v Speaker 1>But before around our periods, that's a huge hormonal shift that we're dealing with too.

00:08:48.634 --> 00:08:52.370
<v Speaker 1>So, kind of looking at the situation of going, ok, what is?

00:08:52.370 --> 00:08:56.361
<v Speaker 1>what other factors are at play, exactly.

00:08:56.361 --> 00:09:01.577
<v Speaker 1>But if all these are met and this mom is still saying I don't know who I am, whitney what do you tell her?

00:09:02.529 --> 00:09:14.476
<v Speaker 2>Well, i think it's normal for us to question our identity when our identity is taking on something new, and it's not that our old identity or the existing identity is gone.

00:09:14.476 --> 00:09:24.256
<v Speaker 2>We are adding to that identity And so often people kind of absorb being a mom as the identity.

00:09:24.256 --> 00:09:29.139
<v Speaker 2>It is part of our identity, not our whole identity.

00:09:29.139 --> 00:09:36.075
<v Speaker 2>So while, yes, i am a mom, i do answer to mama, and mommy, i absolutely do.

00:09:36.075 --> 00:09:40.676
<v Speaker 2>I also am somebody's wife, so that is part of my identity.

00:09:40.676 --> 00:09:45.721
<v Speaker 2>But I'm also somebody not exclusive to those things.

00:09:45.721 --> 00:09:54.176
<v Speaker 2>I'm also Whitney, i'm also a social worker, i'm also somebody that enjoys photography, i'm somebody that enjoys running.

00:09:54.176 --> 00:10:08.140
<v Speaker 2>So all of those are pieces of my identity, but they are not my whole identity And I think it's really hard for people to not put all of their identity into one category.

00:10:08.649 --> 00:10:11.592
<v Speaker 1>No matter if we're talking about motherhood or if it's.

00:10:11.592 --> 00:10:13.096
<v Speaker 1>I compare it to you.

00:10:13.096 --> 00:10:23.273
<v Speaker 1>I dated this guy through college and his younger brother was very talented athletic had.

00:10:23.273 --> 00:10:33.311
<v Speaker 1>ultimately, i think it was an injury that led to finding something that pretty much said you're where you thought you were going, it's gone, It's gone.

00:10:33.311 --> 00:10:51.657
<v Speaker 1>And so if you put that on sports or if you put that on being a mom or maybe it was your job or maybe it was being someone's wife or girlfriend or whoever, that's too much for one thing Correct.

00:10:51.801 --> 00:10:54.220
<v Speaker 2>Well, and it's interesting that you bring up a medical thing.

00:10:54.220 --> 00:11:01.966
<v Speaker 2>There are so often times where people get diagnosed with something, and diagnoses are so good because they help us.

00:11:01.966 --> 00:11:05.328
<v Speaker 2>We can get to a root of things and sometimes we can fix things.

00:11:05.328 --> 00:11:13.818
<v Speaker 2>But oftentimes when you look at something that is a chronic diagnosis, they absorb the diagnosis as part of the identity.

00:11:13.818 --> 00:11:16.299
<v Speaker 2>Oh well, Instead of that being a component.

00:11:17.066 --> 00:11:22.482
<v Speaker 1>So like I have cancer, correct, like I am cancer, essentially living, or you.

00:11:22.663 --> 00:11:27.716
<v Speaker 2>You know, especially when we look at mental health stuff, people will say well, i am autistic.

00:11:27.817 --> 00:11:28.177
<v Speaker 1>That's true.

00:11:29.322 --> 00:11:34.538
<v Speaker 2>You do fall into the ASD spectrum, but you are more than autism.

00:11:34.538 --> 00:11:43.019
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, you are a greater being than just autism or OCD, or bipolar depression, anxiety, all of those things.

00:11:43.019 --> 00:11:43.969
<v Speaker 2>You are not just bipolar.

00:11:43.969 --> 00:11:48.038
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, you can't just say, hi, i'm Sarah, i'm bipolar, right?

00:11:48.038 --> 00:11:51.528
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, because that's not actually your whole identity, it's part of it.

00:11:51.528 --> 00:11:55.017
<v Speaker 2>We're not going to sweep it under the rug and we're not going to ignore it.

00:11:55.017 --> 00:11:57.000
<v Speaker 2>We know that that can be part of us.

00:11:57.000 --> 00:11:59.515
<v Speaker 2>It is a component of us that needs to be treated.

00:11:59.515 --> 00:12:05.857
<v Speaker 2>It needs to have some focus and energy, but it's not all of us And we can't let that consume us.

00:12:05.857 --> 00:12:06.059
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah.

00:12:08.344 --> 00:12:08.625
<v Speaker 1>That's.

00:12:08.625 --> 00:12:10.086
<v Speaker 1>I mean.

00:12:10.086 --> 00:12:15.397
<v Speaker 1>I think it even goes back to besides medical our past history and our trauma.

00:12:15.397 --> 00:12:28.000
<v Speaker 1>Well, i was, you know, abused, i was this, or I experienced this, i'm this, and it's like moving past just what we label ourselves as Correct.

00:12:28.000 --> 00:12:43.697
<v Speaker 1>I think that's a really hard thing to look at And I think, adding in anything extra in our life, like becoming a mom or more children or a new relationship, the identity again gets really hard.

00:12:45.024 --> 00:12:45.846
<v Speaker 2>Oh, absolutely.

00:12:45.846 --> 00:13:05.740
<v Speaker 2>And so for moms out there and you know, myself included, when we become a mom or we feel like motherhood consumes us, you know, try to have a little bit of a grounding thought or a reframing thought in that moment of okay, I am a mom, but I am not only a mom, that is not the only thing that gives me worth.

00:13:05.740 --> 00:13:09.537
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, now is it okay for us to find self worth in motherhood?

00:13:09.537 --> 00:13:12.019
<v Speaker 2>Absolutely, we can.

00:13:12.019 --> 00:13:14.059
<v Speaker 2>It should not be our sole source of it.

00:13:15.884 --> 00:13:16.667
<v Speaker 1>And I think there's.

00:13:16.667 --> 00:13:37.207
<v Speaker 1>You know, especially, i've heard from moms who's maybe struggled to get pregnant, and if you struggle to get pregnant, you've wanted it so much, you have it And you feel like that has to be the, everything that completes you And you get this vicious cycle.

00:13:37.207 --> 00:13:38.250
<v Speaker 1>Thank you.

00:13:38.530 --> 00:13:41.518
<v Speaker 2>Well, i think again to kind of go in back to medical stuff.

00:13:41.518 --> 00:13:47.835
<v Speaker 2>when we go through infertility, we kind of absorb that as our identity And we're almost looking for identity swaps.

00:13:48.275 --> 00:13:51.403
<v Speaker 1>Oh, okay, yeah, I'm feeling called out.

00:13:51.403 --> 00:13:53.408
<v Speaker 1>Same I just like okay, Same.

00:13:55.133 --> 00:14:10.881
<v Speaker 2>I feel that, because you know, when I was going through infertility, i'll never forget getting a piece of paper after my HSG that said you know, final or formal diagnosis female infertility, and I thought that that is part of me at this like.

00:14:10.902 --> 00:14:11.809
<v Speaker 1>I am infertile Oh well, yeah.

00:14:11.889 --> 00:14:18.376
<v Speaker 2>And so I took on that label and I was like, well, i just am now, how am I supposed to be okay with this?

00:14:18.376 --> 00:14:35.599
<v Speaker 2>So you know, at that, you know, we were obviously still continuing with infertility treatments at that point And I so desperately wanted that identity swap from infertility to pregnant slash mom, because in my head I was like, well, i've overcome this label.

00:14:35.599 --> 00:14:37.613
<v Speaker 2>That's a negative label in my head.

00:14:37.994 --> 00:14:39.115
<v Speaker 1>Yes, right, it was a negative label.

00:14:39.155 --> 00:14:42.682
<v Speaker 2>Right, because it was a negative experience because nobody wants to go through infertility.

00:14:42.761 --> 00:14:42.842
<v Speaker 1>No.

00:14:43.809 --> 00:14:46.235
<v Speaker 2>And so I thought well, if I overcome this, then I've won.

00:14:46.837 --> 00:14:47.500
<v Speaker 1>Oh, wow, yeah.

00:14:48.409 --> 00:14:51.720
<v Speaker 2>So then, here in comes my type, a kind of perfectionistic.

00:14:51.720 --> 00:14:57.960
<v Speaker 2>Let me conquer this, and I get so much of myself worth and value over accomplishments.

00:14:58.309 --> 00:15:01.562
<v Speaker 1>Why are you just calling me out?

00:15:02.125 --> 00:15:02.908
<v Speaker 2>I'm like Same, same.

00:15:02.908 --> 00:15:05.015
<v Speaker 2>I'm telling all myself here.

00:15:05.470 --> 00:15:07.378
<v Speaker 1>I needed a therapy session with you today.

00:15:07.378 --> 00:15:08.913
<v Speaker 1>You guys just get to listen to it.

00:15:08.913 --> 00:15:10.356
<v Speaker 1>This is good.

00:15:11.899 --> 00:15:12.863
<v Speaker 2>You're welcome, yeah.

00:15:12.883 --> 00:15:18.942
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, i'm telling you it just, and I think I just in my head you just made me go.

00:15:18.942 --> 00:15:24.355
<v Speaker 1>Ha, sarah, because same thing, we struggled, i wanted that new label.

00:15:25.289 --> 00:15:27.115
<v Speaker 2>Because infertility is not a fun label to wear.

00:15:27.376 --> 00:15:32.301
<v Speaker 1>No, i always feel like you know what was it back in the day in the witch hunts.

00:15:32.301 --> 00:15:34.014
<v Speaker 1>They went like they marked you or something.

00:15:34.033 --> 00:15:34.956
<v Speaker 2>Oh yeah, the Scarlet Lure.

00:15:34.956 --> 00:15:36.499
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, like I felt like that was you know.

00:15:36.499 --> 00:15:40.541
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's almost like you're walking around with your label at like a high school reunion.

00:15:40.541 --> 00:15:41.345
<v Speaker 2>Hi, I'm infertile.

00:15:41.726 --> 00:15:42.370
<v Speaker 1>No, I'm 100%.

00:15:42.509 --> 00:15:44.735
<v Speaker 2>Instead, we want to be able to be like hi, i'm pregnant, hi, i'm pregnant.

00:15:44.735 --> 00:15:54.441
<v Speaker 2>I'm a mom Right Because we think and we also know that I mean there is a lot of accomplishment that comes from motherhood, but it looks so much better to wear the label of pregnant or mom than infertile.

00:15:54.922 --> 00:15:55.403
<v Speaker 1>Oh my gosh.

00:15:55.403 --> 00:16:01.297
<v Speaker 1>And then, once you and then I think yeah, you just literally told me everything that happened in my life was um.

00:16:01.297 --> 00:16:07.779
<v Speaker 1>I thought that replacement label of mom would solve all my problems.

00:16:07.921 --> 00:16:10.957
<v Speaker 2>Oh yeah, because we put a lot of value on it.

00:16:10.957 --> 00:16:14.479
<v Speaker 2>And then when there's nothing wrong with that it was not how I pictured.

00:16:15.450 --> 00:16:19.241
<v Speaker 1>And then I was like, wait, this was supposed to solve my.

00:16:19.241 --> 00:16:22.095
<v Speaker 1>I didn't know who I really was before.

00:16:22.095 --> 00:16:32.535
<v Speaker 1>I mean the infertility journey versus I mean baby, postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, PTSD, all that, I think, made it a lot worse.

00:16:32.535 --> 00:16:36.931
<v Speaker 1>But I didn't really know who Sarah was without those labels.

00:16:36.931 --> 00:16:42.403
<v Speaker 1>And then motherhood I thought was going to be my bandaid and it made it worse.

00:16:44.770 --> 00:16:45.674
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's one of those.

00:16:45.674 --> 00:16:53.605
<v Speaker 2>We thought it would be the bandaid, but we actually have an infection that we need to treat with medication instead of just rubbing alcohol in a bandaid.

00:16:54.427 --> 00:16:56.374
<v Speaker 1>Boy, that bandaid just didn't try.

00:16:56.374 --> 00:16:58.721
<v Speaker 1>You know, i just thought I said maybe I needed a new bandaid.

00:16:58.721 --> 00:17:08.664
<v Speaker 1>I was like, you know, because you blame it, you're just like okay, but look at Pinterest, look at Instagram, look at these moms, and it's like they're also not being real.

00:17:08.925 --> 00:17:11.492
<v Speaker 1>They're not being real And it's five minutes of their day.

00:17:11.492 --> 00:17:15.481
<v Speaker 1>I mean, i relate it to the literally the reals me and you make for Instagram.

00:17:15.481 --> 00:17:21.682
<v Speaker 1>That is like a minute of our day And you cannot tell anything about our lives from that.

00:17:21.682 --> 00:17:24.394
<v Speaker 1>You don't know what we have.

00:17:24.394 --> 00:17:32.663
<v Speaker 1>You know everything we're thinking or feeling or enduring in that moment, so take everything you see in terms of comparison for a grain of salt.

00:17:32.865 --> 00:17:38.747
<v Speaker 2>Oh, absolutely, because it really is a snippet of somebody's day And they're not going to let you see.

00:17:38.747 --> 00:17:42.938
<v Speaker 2>I mean, you may see these beautiful, clean countertops, you do not see the clutter behind them.

00:17:43.439 --> 00:17:43.980
<v Speaker 1>I'm guilty.

00:17:43.980 --> 00:17:47.498
<v Speaker 1>I'll be like let me put the camera right here So y'all don't see what's in the back.

00:17:47.498 --> 00:17:48.621
<v Speaker 1>You see this right here.

00:17:49.809 --> 00:17:52.097
<v Speaker 2>Well, you know the last one I did where I was in my laundry room.

00:17:52.097 --> 00:17:55.337
<v Speaker 2>I'm like y'all can see my mess of a house, because here it is.

00:17:55.839 --> 00:17:57.023
<v Speaker 1>I'm sometimes.

00:17:57.023 --> 00:18:01.701
<v Speaker 1>I've filmed one yesterday and it clearly shows what my car looks like, which is a Charges.

00:18:01.701 --> 00:18:02.083
<v Speaker 1>Right now.

00:18:02.083 --> 00:18:05.717
<v Speaker 1>I see new splatter spots from baby James's pouches daily.

00:18:05.717 --> 00:18:08.809
<v Speaker 1>At this point, it just is like well, how worse can it get?

00:18:08.809 --> 00:18:09.330
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

00:18:09.330 --> 00:18:12.455
<v Speaker 1>But you know, back to the identity.

00:18:12.455 --> 00:18:15.220
<v Speaker 1>it's not just us, no.

00:18:15.220 --> 00:18:23.821
<v Speaker 1>And even if you're not pregnant or you know, you didn't do infertility or maybe you like, the mom is what you always wanted to be.

00:18:24.349 --> 00:18:30.182
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and it's not what you envisioned it being or harder than you envisioned it being.

00:18:30.182 --> 00:18:35.821
<v Speaker 2>Just know that that's normal, because our kids throw us curveballs that we didn't see coming.

00:18:36.230 --> 00:18:36.590
<v Speaker 1>Every day.

00:18:37.313 --> 00:18:37.594
<v Speaker 2>Every day.

00:18:37.594 --> 00:18:38.395
<v Speaker 2>I mean we all.

00:18:38.395 --> 00:18:40.701
<v Speaker 2>We all know that the tantrums are going to happen.

00:18:40.701 --> 00:18:44.221
<v Speaker 2>I don't think we fully understand that it's going to be a constant.

00:18:44.829 --> 00:18:45.550
<v Speaker 1>No, it's in.

00:18:45.550 --> 00:18:52.743
<v Speaker 1>I think it's hard too, because kids don't care what kind of day you've had.

00:18:52.743 --> 00:19:08.877
<v Speaker 1>Oh, no, they don't, they do not And they shouldn't, you know, because our problems are not their problems essentially but like that's hard And that's something that it's like I'm trying, i'm already struggling and you're trying to be there for them, and then you're like I don't even really know who I am, this motherhood thing supposed to be my identity.

00:19:09.117 --> 00:19:10.382
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and it's hard.

00:19:10.750 --> 00:19:12.114
<v Speaker 1>Because I was that person.

00:19:12.114 --> 00:19:15.843
<v Speaker 1>I was like, if I just become a mom, everything will be great.

00:19:17.150 --> 00:19:18.054
<v Speaker 2>It'll be the fix all.

00:19:18.253 --> 00:19:18.836
<v Speaker 1>And it was not.

00:19:19.136 --> 00:19:26.160
<v Speaker 2>But you know, kind of going on, that kind of piggybacking off of that is that we do that with careers too.

00:19:26.160 --> 00:19:26.942
<v Speaker 2>We think oh, if.

00:19:26.942 --> 00:19:29.769
<v Speaker 2>I like a career at whatever place.

00:19:29.769 --> 00:19:31.773
<v Speaker 2>life will be grand.

00:19:31.773 --> 00:19:36.041
<v Speaker 2>But let's say you do land that dream job, It's still hard.

00:19:36.363 --> 00:19:38.373
<v Speaker 1>It's still hard And it's so.

00:19:38.373 --> 00:19:47.496
<v Speaker 1>How do we get past these labels and start looking at identity And like so someone's like I'm lost with any of my identity.

00:19:47.496 --> 00:19:49.483
<v Speaker 1>Where are some steps to start?

00:19:49.483 --> 00:19:50.346
<v Speaker 1>like inner work.

00:19:50.346 --> 00:19:52.715
<v Speaker 1>Obviously, we recommend therapy for this.

00:19:52.756 --> 00:19:54.423
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, this would be one of those.

00:19:54.423 --> 00:20:03.612
<v Speaker 2>If you're really wanting to do some kind of root discovery and healing, highly recommend inner child and internal family systems work.

00:20:03.853 --> 00:20:04.134
<v Speaker 1>Okay.

00:20:04.153 --> 00:20:07.609
<v Speaker 2>Because you're really actually starting to get to the root of where some of this happens.

00:20:07.609 --> 00:20:33.623
<v Speaker 2>Because a lot of times our triggers in adulthood and parenthood are linked to something that occurred in our childhood And if we can learn how to reparent ourselves and heal those wounds from 10, 15 years ago, then we're going to start to be like okay, i don't have to absorb or assume who I was then because that's who I was told I was right, or it's like I was the good child, yeah.

00:20:33.990 --> 00:20:42.676
<v Speaker 2>I was the golden child because I didn't express my feelings, or I'm worthless because everybody told me I'm worthless things like that.

00:20:42.777 --> 00:20:49.484
<v Speaker 2>And so if you really want to get to the roots of some things, definitely recommend some inner child and internal family systems work.

00:20:49.484 --> 00:21:05.897
<v Speaker 2>If we're looking at more of kind of what I call like your crisis intervention or solution focus, like in the immediate here and now, what I really need you to do is do some reframing, okay, and remind yourself you're not only a mom, you're not only a wife.

00:21:05.897 --> 00:21:10.797
<v Speaker 2>Those two things, yes, they are a portion of you, but you existed before them.

00:21:11.460 --> 00:21:14.188
<v Speaker 1>And you'll, i mean you existed before your career.

00:21:14.288 --> 00:21:18.181
<v Speaker 2>You existed before your college degree or whatever you have pursued.

00:21:18.181 --> 00:21:24.698
<v Speaker 2>You are a person outside of those things that are secondary, not to belittle them, but they are secondary.

00:21:25.179 --> 00:21:25.579
<v Speaker 1>I mean that's.

00:21:25.579 --> 00:21:37.258
<v Speaker 1>I think ultimately, someone said this to me your kids grow up and they will leave you And I was like, okay, thanks for like stabbing my heart there, but I get.

00:21:37.258 --> 00:22:01.385
<v Speaker 1>What they were trying to say was I have seen it in the generations above us Their whole identity was their kids, and I'm not saying that's wrong, but they never realized their worth in other areas, where they never loved like you running, or they didn't recognize photography, and so their kids left, as they should.

00:22:02.036 --> 00:22:03.823
<v Speaker 2>We are going to the normal life cycle.

00:22:04.055 --> 00:22:05.461
<v Speaker 1>And we want our kids to be equipped.

00:22:05.461 --> 00:22:13.763
<v Speaker 1>We want them to feel like they can be independent without us, you know, still be connected to us, but not be like the unhealthy attachment.

00:22:13.763 --> 00:22:16.339
<v Speaker 1>And then they look and they go.

00:22:16.339 --> 00:22:17.303
<v Speaker 1>I don't know who I am.

00:22:17.303 --> 00:22:21.665
<v Speaker 1>So we're having these me, like Christ is you know, like, okay, we're coming to mom.

00:22:21.665 --> 00:22:22.799
<v Speaker 1>Oh, my gosh, I don't know what I am.

00:22:22.799 --> 00:22:23.618
<v Speaker 1>This was supposed to fix me.

00:22:23.618 --> 00:22:25.540
<v Speaker 1>Okay, I dove straight into motherhood.

00:22:25.540 --> 00:22:26.376
<v Speaker 1>My kids grew up.

00:22:26.376 --> 00:22:26.878
<v Speaker 1>They leave me.

00:22:26.878 --> 00:22:28.759
<v Speaker 1>I don't know who I am.

00:22:28.759 --> 00:22:36.361
<v Speaker 1>I don't know who my partner is, Or maybe I've lost my partner in that journey and I'm alone.

00:22:36.781 --> 00:22:37.002
<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

00:22:37.634 --> 00:22:39.762
<v Speaker 1>So it's like I was like okay, i get what you're saying.

00:22:39.762 --> 00:22:42.480
<v Speaker 1>You don't want me to experience what you're experiencing right now.

00:22:42.480 --> 00:22:45.561
<v Speaker 1>So she's like you have to find yourself in motherhood.

00:22:46.042 --> 00:22:58.044
<v Speaker 2>You do And that's where you find you know as hard as it is, especially in that newborn stage, find time to figure out what you do like as you're able to put a few minutes into it here and there.

00:22:58.044 --> 00:23:00.455
<v Speaker 2>Do that, you know.

00:23:00.455 --> 00:23:06.718
<v Speaker 2>If you do have a significant other, try to work with them on how you can each do that for each other.

00:23:07.815 --> 00:23:22.181
<v Speaker 2>You know, like you're with the kids for a little bit, if they want to go hang out with their friends, or if they want to go running or hiking or fishing or whatever it is be like, yeah, i can do that for an hour on Saturday, but can you give me an hour on Sunday?

00:23:22.181 --> 00:23:31.039
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, have that trade off so that it's even Because chances are your partner may be not to the same degree, but they may also feel lost in parenthood as well.

00:23:31.756 --> 00:23:33.541
<v Speaker 1>We I mean because they've a lot.

00:23:33.541 --> 00:23:41.364
<v Speaker 1>I mean I don't know I mean Bill, which we're gonna have an episode guys about this, about relationships and children and how that impacts.

00:23:41.364 --> 00:23:52.760
<v Speaker 1>but I'll say here quickly I think we both got comfortable with who we were as married and then quickly shifted when we become parents.

00:23:52.760 --> 00:23:56.461
<v Speaker 1>And that was hard And I think and it's hard for everyone.

00:23:56.461 --> 00:24:00.083
<v Speaker 1>So it's not just you, it's not just your partner, but It's universal.

00:24:00.223 --> 00:24:00.885
<v Speaker 1>It's universal.

00:24:00.885 --> 00:24:02.862
<v Speaker 1>It's just again not showed.

00:24:02.862 --> 00:24:05.142
<v Speaker 1>But back to your newborn stage.

00:24:05.142 --> 00:24:06.837
<v Speaker 1>Go back.

00:24:06.837 --> 00:24:08.103
<v Speaker 1>are you drinking?

00:24:08.103 --> 00:24:09.559
<v Speaker 1>Are you hydrated with water?

00:24:09.559 --> 00:24:15.679
<v Speaker 1>Are you getting three to four hours of sleep, At least a solid stretch?

00:24:15.679 --> 00:24:17.384
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, okay, one solid stretch.

00:24:18.556 --> 00:24:19.534
<v Speaker 1>One solid stretch, minimally.

00:24:19.534 --> 00:24:21.501
<v Speaker 1>Have work with a therapist.

00:24:21.501 --> 00:24:26.282
<v Speaker 1>If your stuff is gonna come up childhood, great, talk about it.

00:24:26.282 --> 00:24:35.683
<v Speaker 1>Have admission statement I was someone told me that they're like have a mission statement to kind of define what your values are, And sometimes people can align with that easier.

00:24:35.683 --> 00:24:39.859
<v Speaker 1>Like a company, like you think of a large company, Everybody's aligned with their mission.

00:24:39.859 --> 00:24:44.077
<v Speaker 1>Correct, Figure out what that is for your life and your family.

00:24:44.077 --> 00:24:47.423
<v Speaker 1>Get support to get that time.

00:24:47.423 --> 00:24:51.102
<v Speaker 1>If you're like, yeah, how's that gonna work for me to have that 20 minutes.

00:24:51.102 --> 00:24:52.285
<v Speaker 1>Okay, ask.

00:24:53.535 --> 00:24:56.121
<v Speaker 1>Ask your friends, your moms, who've been there.

00:24:56.340 --> 00:24:58.005
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, Who have been in the trenches.

00:24:58.005 --> 00:24:58.685
<v Speaker 2>They get it.

00:24:58.786 --> 00:25:04.924
<v Speaker 1>They get it And they're like so maybe your mother-in-law you don't really want her talking to you how you feel What's up.

00:25:04.924 --> 00:25:10.503
<v Speaker 1>She's a great person to pick up fast food for you, pick up a meal, drop it off for you.

00:25:10.503 --> 00:25:14.142
<v Speaker 1>Use people how they're best to be used.

00:25:14.363 --> 00:25:14.804
<v Speaker 2>Absolutely.

00:25:14.804 --> 00:25:18.480
<v Speaker 2>Maybe they can do the dishes for you, or sweets or something like that.

00:25:19.115 --> 00:25:23.798
<v Speaker 1>Cause in that immediate time, just acknowledge.

00:25:24.535 --> 00:25:25.660
<v Speaker 2>It's okay to have help.

00:25:25.660 --> 00:25:26.221
<v Speaker 2>It's gonna.

00:25:26.221 --> 00:25:27.559
<v Speaker 2>It's not a sign of weakness.

00:25:27.660 --> 00:25:32.839
<v Speaker 1>No, And sometimes I remember being alone with Will for the first time when he was tiny.

00:25:32.839 --> 00:25:34.720
<v Speaker 1>I was like what do I do?

00:25:35.121 --> 00:25:35.301
<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

00:25:36.215 --> 00:25:37.140
<v Speaker 1>How am I supposed to handle this?

00:25:37.140 --> 00:25:45.540
<v Speaker 1>And I think, even just admitting I'm learning, this is a new rhythm, yeah, and that's the thing You got to get into that rhythm, and you will.

00:25:46.394 --> 00:25:47.238
<v Speaker 2>And the rhythm changes.

00:25:48.295 --> 00:25:54.582
<v Speaker 1>As they grow, everything changes and that's So going back again to day to day tools.

00:25:54.582 --> 00:25:56.930
<v Speaker 1>we love a good voice journal.

00:25:56.930 --> 00:25:58.757
<v Speaker 1>Oh, yes, here for it.

00:25:58.757 --> 00:26:02.066
<v Speaker 1>Let it out saying I don't know who I am.

00:26:02.105 --> 00:26:12.799
<v Speaker 2>right now I feel lost, yeah and ironically, you know, while you're doing that voice journaling, sometimes we can start to figure ourselves out a little bit, because we start to organize our thoughts and declutter our brains by getting it out.

00:26:12.799 --> 00:26:14.930
<v Speaker 2>Then we kind of have a little bit of self-discovery with that.

00:26:15.773 --> 00:26:30.679
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, i don't know how I feel about this, but somebody was suggesting that when they voice journal, they use AI to transcribe it And then they'll go to their AI app and say Summarize it, and it bullet points it.

00:26:30.679 --> 00:26:47.516
<v Speaker 1>Whitney fell XYZ today very objectively, but they said they were using that for their meetings or for their business ideas And I was like, huh, i kind of like that little twist on it.

00:26:47.516 --> 00:26:50.638
<v Speaker 1>I'm like that could be a harsh self-reflection.

00:26:50.638 --> 00:26:59.875
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that could might be challenging, but it was something I heard of and I was like, huh, i like that, try it out for us and we'll report back.

00:26:59.875 --> 00:27:07.603
<v Speaker 1>Okay, and then again realize who your friends are in the trenches, the ones who've walked this road.

00:27:07.603 --> 00:27:18.641
<v Speaker 1>If it's turning on and listening to us, you're giving you our honest experiences that find your safe space and I think you have to know not everybody's your safe space.

00:27:19.201 --> 00:27:22.880
<v Speaker 2>I agree, you do have to have a little bit of discernment.

00:27:23.771 --> 00:27:26.259
<v Speaker 1>And it might be you think, and then you're like whoa.

00:27:26.970 --> 00:27:29.859
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, then you end up having that person that kind of stabs you in the back.

00:27:30.351 --> 00:27:42.300
<v Speaker 1>But you know, and I remember I had an honest moment with someone and I was like motherhood's a lot harder Or like I kind of don't know who I am right now And I had no idea that they couldn't ever have children.

00:27:42.300 --> 00:27:45.357
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and their response was you just need to be grateful.

00:27:45.357 --> 00:27:52.659
<v Speaker 1>And again, that is wrong And I know it's coming from unhealed hurt.

00:27:52.659 --> 00:27:58.866
<v Speaker 1>But in that moment I was like whoa, i tried to like be vulnerable with you for a second.

00:27:59.327 --> 00:28:03.868
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and that really You just got invalidated and casted it.

00:28:04.511 --> 00:28:07.840
<v Speaker 1>So if I'm not saying that, that's the only reason why someone would do that.

00:28:07.840 --> 00:28:12.910
<v Speaker 1>Some people are just like Aunt Brenda, but know that We just know about Aunt Brenda at this point.

00:28:12.910 --> 00:28:19.425
<v Speaker 1>We just know that don't take it like you can't find that other safe person, correct.

00:28:19.425 --> 00:28:24.641
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, don't let that person stop you Definitely, come look at people with a magnifying glass and that's okay, 100%.

00:28:24.930 --> 00:28:27.738
<v Speaker 2>I want people to look at me with a magnifying glass if I'm being honest.

00:28:27.738 --> 00:28:30.940
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, i want them to do that to me for their own well-being.

00:28:30.940 --> 00:28:32.869
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, why not?

00:28:33.874 --> 00:28:34.636
<v Speaker 1>Because it's too much.

00:28:34.636 --> 00:28:35.310
<v Speaker 1>I mean, it's just.

00:28:35.310 --> 00:28:44.809
<v Speaker 1>This world is just like we're all pretending to be okay for a lot of points And if you asked us, really we're not about something, Yeah.

00:28:45.792 --> 00:28:47.337
<v Speaker 2>We're just keeping our heads above water.

00:28:47.538 --> 00:29:01.902
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, And I'm you know, there is now this whole just like shift I've seen about positivity and like toxic positivity And I think if you're working through identity, you're working through this new rhythm of motherhood.

00:29:01.902 --> 00:29:05.942
<v Speaker 1>Again, don't let people invalidate your heart.

00:29:06.325 --> 00:29:06.846
<v Speaker 2>Exactly.

00:29:07.448 --> 00:29:08.692
<v Speaker 1>And that's okay, okay.

00:29:08.932 --> 00:29:09.355
<v Speaker 2>For sure.

00:29:10.950 --> 00:29:12.957
<v Speaker 1>Okay, guys, we want you to enjoy your fourth of July week.

00:29:12.957 --> 00:29:14.310
<v Speaker 1>That's right, Hopefully you know.

00:29:14.310 --> 00:29:15.555
<v Speaker 1>thank you to our veterans.

00:29:15.655 --> 00:29:20.337
<v Speaker 1>That's right, who are fighting for our country, and you know we're in this together.

00:29:20.337 --> 00:29:21.098
<v Speaker 1>We are.

00:29:21.098 --> 00:29:26.359
<v Speaker 1>Until next time, but I wanted to remind you guys to follow us on Instagram, that's right.

00:29:26.359 --> 00:29:28.496
<v Speaker 1>Preview Alliance and Preview Alliance podcast.

00:29:28.496 --> 00:29:31.258
<v Speaker 1>Download and share our podcast episodes.

00:29:31.258 --> 00:29:43.636
<v Speaker 1>We're trying our best to make sure that maternal mental health is every mom paid for, benefit access, education, and the greatest tool is you guys and your voice and helping us do that.

00:29:43.636 --> 00:29:45.721
<v Speaker 1>That's right, until next time, see ya.

00:29:45.721 --> 00:30:15.670
<v Speaker 1>We'll see you guys next time.

00:30:15.670 --> 00:30:22.361
<v Speaker 1>Bye.