Fostering Connection: Veenu Keller's Path to Healthy Family Relationships

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to your Thoughts, your Reality with Michael Cole, the podcast that shines a compassionate light on the journey of veterans battling through life's challenges.

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<v Speaker 1>Michael is a dual elite certified neuro encoding specialist in coaching and keynote training presentations dedicated to guiding military veterans as they navigate the intricate pathways of post-deployment life.

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<v Speaker 1>Join him as we delve into the profound realm of neuroencoding science, empowering these brave individuals to conquer universal battles procrastination, self-doubt, fear and more.

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<v Speaker 1>Together, let's uncover the strength within you to re-engage with families and society, forging a new path forward.

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<v Speaker 2>Hello, hello, hello everybody.

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<v Speaker 2>Hey, I have my friend, my mentor, vinu Keller, so happy to have you return on to the your Thoughts, your Reality podcast.

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<v Speaker 2>So, vinu, real quick.

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<v Speaker 2>She is the parent child whisperer, she's the NEI method of coaching instructor, she speaks from Tony Robbins stages, she's an in-home interventionist and bestselling author, distinguished parent coach, child behavioral specialist and I could keep going for the full 30 minutes, my friends.

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<v Speaker 2>So, venu, welcome, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

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<v Speaker 2>And thank you for coming back on.

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<v Speaker 2>You're always a pleasure to play with.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh, thank you.

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<v Speaker 3>Thank you so good to be here with you, michael, and what you're doing in this world means so much to me.

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<v Speaker 3>I used to be married to a military years ago.

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<v Speaker 3>I live in a military town, I have worked with veterans, I have friends that are veterans, and so what you're doing for the people that serve our country so we can have our freedom every day, I just love being able to contribute to that in any way I possibly can.

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<v Speaker 3>So you know you pretty much summed up a lot of what I do.

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<v Speaker 3>But you know, my main focus in life is breaking that generational cycle between parenting our kids from the way we were parented to the way that we're parenting now, and it's really about getting to the belief systems that we thought worked for us and that we think needs to work for our kids, and we just need to start shifting that and be open to shifting that.

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<v Speaker 2>Amen.

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<v Speaker 2>And it's amazing the things you do.

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<v Speaker 2>And you know, what I love is you're doing it at ground level.

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<v Speaker 2>You're changing these families' lives, but you're changing those kids' lives, again multi-generational, and it's just going to continue.

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<v Speaker 2>It's really phenomenal the work you do.

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<v Speaker 2>Thank you, honored to know you, my friend.

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<v Speaker 2>So before we get started, we want to go through, I just want to make a point of on the top right-hand corner there's a blue QR code.

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<v Speaker 2>Please scan that If you're listening on the podcast forums, on Spotify and Apple Music and so on.

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<v Speaker 2>Later on it's empowerperformancestrategiescom Again, empowerperformancestrategiescom.

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<v Speaker 2>There are all kinds of resources for veterans and their families.

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<v Speaker 2>There's some eBooks that I've written.

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<v Speaker 2>There are Facebook groups.

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<v Speaker 2>Please reach out.

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<v Speaker 2>There's lots of resources there and they're there for a reason.

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<v Speaker 2>So please connect.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, so let's get started, shall we?

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<v Speaker 2>We shall.

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<v Speaker 2>So, vina, I know your story, but for our viewing audience and, again, our listening audience later, tell us a little bit about you and how you kind of got started and moved into the trajectory of, you know, being a parent coach and the parent child whisperer.

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<v Speaker 3>Well, I think that all of our lives, if we look back to what we did as a child and where we came from in our life we look at.

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<v Speaker 3>You know how many of us out there ask ourselves why did this happen to me?

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<v Speaker 3>Like I didn't sign up for this?

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<v Speaker 3>Oh my gosh, look at the life that I've lived and when I look at that, I could tell you with absolute certainty it was preparing me to be who I am today Going through feeling not seen and heard as a child, going through being bullied, going through not feeling accepted, thinking that love was conditional, that I had to be a certain way for my family to love me, I had to look a certain way for my friends to like me.

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<v Speaker 3>It's everything was conditioned in my life and as I moved through that and as I healed that piece of that identity that was wrapped around everyone else's thoughts about me, when I finally started to heal that and I started to take off the mask layers and layers of masks, I started to see who I really was and I realized that if I could help give kids a childhood, they won't have to heal from how will that change the trajectory of the world, if that I can help take off the masks of anxiety and depression and stop labeling our kids for all these different things and really get to the cause and the core of what is going on with them.

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<v Speaker 3>Because that's not what happened with me.

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<v Speaker 3>I was always told you're depressed, you have anxiety, you should put her on this medication.

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<v Speaker 3>Not what happened with me.

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<v Speaker 3>I was always told you're depressed, you have anxiety, you should put her on this medication.

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<v Speaker 3>You know, and I was like, when I was a young adult, I was on anti-anxiety, I was on antidepressants and you know what?

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<v Speaker 3>I was still anxious and I was still depressed.

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<v Speaker 3>I was in therapy for 10 years.

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<v Speaker 3>I still wanted to take my life in therapy.

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<v Speaker 3>You know, it wasn't until I started to realize that I need to start focusing on what I want instead of focusing on where I feel stuck as I lived in the victimhood of my life, instead of looking at writing like what would the chapter look like?

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<v Speaker 3>To write myself out in victimhood and put me into the heroine of the story, right, and so I needed to be that hero.

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<v Speaker 3>And once I figured out how I needed to do that for me, not for you, not for anybody else or what everybody else thinks about me, but for myself, I saw, and I continue to see, what that does to my kids and the way I see my kids growing up and even my adult kids, because I have six kids, four of which are mine and two that I was blessed to be a stepmom to, and which gives me every title, by the way, of mom.

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<v Speaker 3>So I'm a working mom, a single mom, a married mom, a stepmom, a mom of older kids, a mom of younger kids.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm a grandma, you know.

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<v Speaker 3>So I have the experience.

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<v Speaker 3>I was a military mom, right, because my ex-husband he would go on deployment, I'd be left at home with the kids and then we had to see how does he fit back into our lives?

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<v Speaker 3>Because we learned six months how to live without him.

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<v Speaker 3>And now dad comes back and, not only for us but for him, how disconnected he must've felt.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and we're going to get into that for sure.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm super excited and thank you for sharing that.

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<v Speaker 2>That's a lot of moms.

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<v Speaker 3>It is.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, Susan just jumped on and said a very busy mom.

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<v Speaker 2>So I want to touch base on something.

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<v Speaker 2>I think it's super important and then we're going to get into.

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<v Speaker 2>We're going to dive deep, if you will.

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<v Speaker 2>So what motivated you to create the In-Home Family Turnaround Program?

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<v Speaker 2>I think this is a phenomenal program that you do Just absolutely phenomenal.

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<v Speaker 2>And how has it impacted families so far?

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<v Speaker 2>And then we're going to jump into some other stuff.

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<v Speaker 3>So I created In-Home Turnaround, probably around 2014 or 15.

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<v Speaker 3>And it started out with a family that lived in a different state and I, at the time, worked with kids with developmental disabilities.

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<v Speaker 3>I was really honing in on behaviors and changing the behaviors by getting to the cause and so the effect.

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<v Speaker 3>And this family was like well, how could you work with us?

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<v Speaker 3>And I'm like, because they lived in Georgia.

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<v Speaker 3>And I said, I mean I can come stay with you.

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<v Speaker 3>And they're like really, you can come live with us.

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<v Speaker 3>And I'm like, yeah, I'll come stay there for like four days.

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<v Speaker 3>And so they're like okay, how much do we pay you?

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<v Speaker 3>And I told them how much to pay me and they're like okay.

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<v Speaker 3>And I'm like okay, I was like gosh.

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<v Speaker 3>Now I have to decide, like, what am I going to do?

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<v Speaker 3>Like I know what to do, going into your house daily as my client and looking at what's happening, looking at your family dynamics, looking at how your kids respond to you, and then you watching what I do to get your kids to respond differently, and then watching you guys do it without my help and I'm like that's brilliant.

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<v Speaker 3>I just need to turn that hour into a four-day thing.

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<v Speaker 3>So I developed the first day of observation, the second day I'm in charge.

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<v Speaker 3>The third day you're in charge with my coaching, and the fourth day you're on your own and I'm just watching.

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<v Speaker 3>And it's been so successful for those families that do the work.

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<v Speaker 3>You're a coach, I, I'm a coach, and we all know you will get as much out of this as you put into this.

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<v Speaker 3>I can't want it more than you.

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<v Speaker 3>I am not the fairy godmother where I just take my wand and go bing, bing, bing, bing and the whole family changes.

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<v Speaker 3>You have to do the work, and so what we do to ensure that they're sustainable changes, I coach you afterwards every week to make sure you're you're still in it, that you're still doing the work without me, and so that's how it was developed and I've had so much success.

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<v Speaker 3>For those that are fully invested in making the change, it's intense but it works.

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<v Speaker 3>You know it absolutely works, and so that is one of my pride and joys.

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<v Speaker 3>I love doing.

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<v Speaker 3>I only get to do one a month, or two a month because I have my own family, so to leave them for four days is a lot, but I love doing that and my family supports me in doing it.

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<v Speaker 3>My husband loves, loves the change that I get to make in the world and he gets to have a part of it by supporting me and my kids.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's fantastic and I think we found a title real quick that you're not.

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<v Speaker 2>You're not the fairy godmother, I'm not, I'm not, you're not, or?

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<v Speaker 2>Are you?

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<v Speaker 2>No, you know, honestly, all joking aside, phenomenal work and every time I see.

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<v Speaker 2>You know, vina and I are friends and you know obviously we've talked and we've seen posts and everything else.

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<v Speaker 2>And every time I see you're going to go do it, I'm just like man.

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<v Speaker 2>Those families, they have no idea.

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<v Speaker 2>They really don't no they don't.

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<v Speaker 3>It's funny because I've asked my families I'm like, if I had to describe this in a different way, how would I describe it?

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<v Speaker 3>And they said you can't Like what you said you'll do, you'll do.

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<v Speaker 3>It's people's minds that can't fathom that.

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<v Speaker 3>It can really work, you know, and like.

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<v Speaker 3>One piece of information I just learned recently and I'd love to share with your listeners is that when we say we want something, it goes to our frontal cortex, which is our reasoning and our organizational.

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<v Speaker 3>You know the way we think.

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<v Speaker 3>Our brain takes up to three minutes to process, to give us the probability of whether we think we can get it or not, based on past references.

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<v Speaker 3>So if you've tried everything with your family, everything with your kids, and your kids are still yelling at you and your kids aren't listening and you just tried everything because, trust me, I've been there with my own kids.

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<v Speaker 3>Sometimes I still get there it's like I go to my brain and I say, well, I can hire this person and this person says they're going to do that.

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<v Speaker 3>That within three minutes my brain says the probability.

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<v Speaker 3>Well, what about that other therapist you hired?

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<v Speaker 3>What about the counseling you went through?

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<v Speaker 3>What about the other coach you had.

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<v Speaker 3>What about the programs you did?

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<v Speaker 3>None of that worked.

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<v Speaker 3>Do you really think she's going to work?

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<v Speaker 3>And so it's up to you, as the parents, to fight against that and say you know what?

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<v Speaker 3>I've already put this money out.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm going to do it again because this is my last ditch effort, because when's the last time you had somebody live in your house not live there for eight hours and go to a hotel and eat, you know, shrimp and steak.

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<v Speaker 3>I don't like shrimp anyway, but anyway it's, stay in your house, eat with you, watch the family behaviors of what you do to see what you're not seeing.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't.

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<v Speaker 2>I can't think of another way that someone could possibly really understand their model.

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<v Speaker 2>I mean, how more in depth can you get than spending that?

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<v Speaker 3>time.

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<v Speaker 3>Right, you think about it this way you meet a friend, you're all great with them, and then all of a sudden you spend three days with them, living with them.

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<v Speaker 3>You get to see them in a different light.

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<v Speaker 3>They're not just that hour of doing it, like you know, like you said, like you, me and Susan become really close over the last couple of months.

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<v Speaker 3>It's like, but before I was an instructor for you, so you just got a piece of me, an hour of me a week.

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<v Speaker 3>And then now you've got to see me in my pajamas, you know, drinking coffee together, having a glass of wine at night together.

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<v Speaker 3>Like you've got to see a different side of me, which is still congruent with what you see, but you've got to see a different depth of me.

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<v Speaker 3>So all of a sudden you learn different things about me.

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<v Speaker 2>Absolutely.

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<v Speaker 3>And that's literally what happens when we're in our all pajamas together, as a family.

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<v Speaker 2>Absolutely so and, by the way, best time in the world.

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<v Speaker 2>Still treasure that time.

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<v Speaker 2>And and side note, if you ever want to learn how to play spoons, let us know.

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<v Speaker 3>Yes, I love spoons.

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<v Speaker 2>I know you do.

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<v Speaker 2>Look, venu Keller, I'm going to say this Integrity, I don't care if it's one hour or three days or a week or whatever.

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<v Speaker 2>She's the same person across the board.

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<v Speaker 2>And Venu Keller is very competitive, which makes her who she is.

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<v Speaker 2>I'll tell you that now.

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<v Speaker 2>So thank you for sharing all of that, and if anybody gets a chance to work with Venu, I'm telling you hands down best money ever spent.

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<v Speaker 2>Thank you, absolutely, absolutely.

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<v Speaker 2>So let's move to transitioning from military to civilian life.

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<v Speaker 2>It can be very challenging, right, as you know personally for a family.

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<v Speaker 2>So what are some common struggles that you've seen?

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<v Speaker 2>And maybe some strategies, even neuroencoding strategies, right, we can play that in.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm sure we could into how to help.

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<v Speaker 3>So what I experience and what I've seen is probably very similar.

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<v Speaker 3>Like I said, my husband would go away for training for a week and then come back.

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<v Speaker 3>He would go to the rifle range and then come back.

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<v Speaker 3>Or he would go to CACS 29 Palms for three weeks and then come back, and then he would go on a six-month deployment and then come back.

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<v Speaker 3>So our life for me and my children at the time was never a subtle.

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<v Speaker 3>Dad gets up, goes to work, comes home, we all eat as a family, whatever.

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<v Speaker 3>We had to learn life without dad, which means that paying the bills, making the decisions, going to the doctor's appointments Should we do this insurance company or should we do that insurance?

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<v Speaker 3>You know what?

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<v Speaker 3>He's not here.

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<v Speaker 3>I got to make up that mind by myself.

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<v Speaker 3>You know my son needs the surgery.

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<v Speaker 3>Should I do the surgery now?

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<v Speaker 3>Should I do it?

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<v Speaker 3>Oh, I can't wait.

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<v Speaker 3>Okay, I'll do it now.

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<v Speaker 3>And the husband's not there.

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<v Speaker 3>You know.

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<v Speaker 3>I remember my first miscarriage I had.

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<v Speaker 3>He wasn't there, you know.

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<v Speaker 3>And so you have to create a different meaning.

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<v Speaker 3>Is he's?

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<v Speaker 3>He's not not there?

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<v Speaker 3>Double negative?

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<v Speaker 3>Because he doesn't love you.

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<v Speaker 3>He's not there because of a job he signed up for, which means you ultimately knew.

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<v Speaker 3>So you signed up for that too.

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<v Speaker 3>That is why I only can speak for the Marines.

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<v Speaker 3>They said you know, the Marines is the toughest job that you ever have.

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<v Speaker 3>And I said, no, being a Marine wife is the toughest job you'll ever have, because you have to mentally prepare yourself, because think about it You're with Susan.

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<v Speaker 3>If Susan was constantly gone and never able to make decisions with you, you would probably start to think like well, does she even care?

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<v Speaker 3>Like she's not involved, like where is she?

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<v Speaker 3>But if it's their job, you have to do it.

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<v Speaker 3>It has nothing to do with you and you have to.

00:14:49.613 --> 00:15:03.774
<v Speaker 3>And if you're already battling self-worth and self-esteem issues which I was at the time, it's a lot of resilience to know it's not because of you, he's not involved, and so I do think that that's one of the reasons why we got divorced.

00:15:03.774 --> 00:15:05.706
<v Speaker 3>It's like I got tired of being by myself.

00:15:05.706 --> 00:15:07.993
<v Speaker 3>I got tired of making myself feel seen and heard.

00:15:07.993 --> 00:15:10.948
<v Speaker 3>I got tired, and so you lose that communication skills too.

00:15:11.750 --> 00:15:15.398
<v Speaker 3>Then, when they come back, it's integrating them back into the family.

00:15:15.398 --> 00:15:17.451
<v Speaker 3>You know, there's a little honeymoon stage.

00:15:17.451 --> 00:15:19.633
<v Speaker 3>Well, I missed you and everything's about you.

00:15:19.633 --> 00:15:21.250
<v Speaker 3>But then we got to get back to life.

00:15:21.250 --> 00:15:22.889
<v Speaker 3>Like I still got a job to do, the kids stopped.

00:15:22.889 --> 00:15:38.033
<v Speaker 3>I got to school, the kids are doing soccer, Like there's still stuff that we got to do and I'm sorry I don't have time for you, so do have time for you.

00:15:37.967 --> 00:15:40.264
<v Speaker 3>So do they feel neglected now because they're trying to fit them in and then the schedule gets changed because now he's on night crew.

00:15:40.264 --> 00:15:42.831
<v Speaker 3>Well, okay, you think that's going to work, but, newsflash, the kids are at school, I'm at work during the day, so you're by yourself.

00:15:42.831 --> 00:15:44.998
<v Speaker 3>Anyway, by the time we get home you're going to work.

00:15:44.998 --> 00:15:51.749
<v Speaker 3>So we literally only got to see each other two days a week, right, and it's like, how do we make that work?

00:15:51.749 --> 00:15:53.049
<v Speaker 3>It can work.

00:15:53.049 --> 00:16:02.499
<v Speaker 3>I have friends that are military, retired military, and they learn how to make it work and I'm going to tell you that saying what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

00:16:02.499 --> 00:16:03.759
<v Speaker 3>And it made them stronger.

00:16:03.759 --> 00:16:04.740
<v Speaker 3>It really did.

00:16:04.740 --> 00:16:05.881
<v Speaker 3>They push through.

00:16:05.881 --> 00:16:13.652
<v Speaker 3>And here's the key for all your listeners Communication.

00:16:13.692 --> 00:16:17.806
<v Speaker 2>How do you say that that?

00:16:17.846 --> 00:16:20.089
<v Speaker 3>was the next point I was going to bring up.

00:16:20.089 --> 00:16:21.171
<v Speaker 3>And here's the deal.

00:16:21.171 --> 00:16:22.493
<v Speaker 3>I got married at 18.

00:16:22.493 --> 00:16:25.057
<v Speaker 3>My husband was 21.

00:16:25.057 --> 00:16:31.898
<v Speaker 3>We got married, we had our first child when I was 20.

00:16:31.918 --> 00:16:37.196
<v Speaker 3>And, um, you know it's, we were only good as the communication we grew up with.

00:16:37.196 --> 00:16:42.115
<v Speaker 3>We both had a single mom that wasn't around working to put food on the table.

00:16:42.115 --> 00:16:48.875
<v Speaker 3>You know, we, um it definitely, you know, again, a product of our environment, of how to communicate.

00:16:48.875 --> 00:16:53.682
<v Speaker 3>It was a simple here, a simple there, and you know, and we thought that was it.

00:16:53.682 --> 00:16:56.912
<v Speaker 3>We thought like, oh, you're home, yay, okay, good, what do you want for dinner?

00:16:56.912 --> 00:16:59.886
<v Speaker 3>It wasn't like, hey, what, what was that like for you to be gone?

00:16:59.886 --> 00:17:01.892
<v Speaker 3>And can I tell you what I was feeling?

00:17:01.892 --> 00:17:06.192
<v Speaker 3>Um, what can we do better to keep that communication up when you are gone?

00:17:06.334 --> 00:17:07.760
<v Speaker 3>Because we had snail mail there too.

00:17:07.760 --> 00:17:09.205
<v Speaker 3>We didn't have cell phones back then.

00:17:09.205 --> 00:17:09.886
<v Speaker 3>We didn't have.

00:17:09.886 --> 00:17:19.352
<v Speaker 3>Well, we did have computers, but, uh, it was dial up and you didn't know if you got past there, if it was really going to connect or not.

00:17:19.352 --> 00:17:24.509
<v Speaker 3>And then it's like, oh, reconnecting, um, overseas, they, it was too hard.

00:17:24.509 --> 00:17:29.886
<v Speaker 3>You know, I remember having like oh, there, be there from this time to this time.

00:17:29.886 --> 00:17:34.248
<v Speaker 3>So you would not leave the house, you probably wouldn't sleep because you're afraid you wouldn't hear the phone ring.

00:17:34.248 --> 00:17:44.434
<v Speaker 3>You know, the worst thing was coming home and getting your answering machine and playing your answering machine, seeing you have three missed calls and you have three messages and it's like, hey, I'm trying to get up with you.

00:17:44.434 --> 00:17:45.518
<v Speaker 3>Where are you?

00:17:45.518 --> 00:17:47.230
<v Speaker 3>You know, I want to talk to you.

00:17:47.269 --> 00:17:58.619
<v Speaker 2>And then you feel the frustration in their voice because they can't get up with you absolutely, and I remember there was a time that you talked about how you literally wouldn't go out because you were scared to miss the call.

00:17:58.884 --> 00:18:00.692
<v Speaker 3>Right, I was scared to miss the call.

00:18:00.692 --> 00:18:02.540
<v Speaker 3>I was scared that he would be upset with me.

00:18:02.540 --> 00:18:04.528
<v Speaker 3>I would be scared of the stories he would create.

00:18:04.528 --> 00:18:06.974
<v Speaker 3>There's a lot of people that miss that connection.

00:18:06.974 --> 00:18:15.750
<v Speaker 3>So they cheat on their spouses when they're gone and they cheat on their spouses when they're gone right, it's like there's such a need of connection and belonging.

00:18:15.750 --> 00:18:21.288
<v Speaker 3>Sometimes we sacrifice our beliefs in order to get that need met Absolutely.

00:18:21.288 --> 00:18:23.272
<v Speaker 3>And so again, communication.

00:18:23.854 --> 00:18:24.275
<v Speaker 2>Absolutely.

00:18:24.275 --> 00:18:26.267
<v Speaker 2>So let's dive a little deeper on that, if we can.

00:18:26.267 --> 00:18:27.450
<v Speaker 2>The communication part.

00:18:27.450 --> 00:18:33.791
<v Speaker 2>So, whether you're deployed or coming back, give us some tips for real being present.

00:18:33.791 --> 00:18:41.347
<v Speaker 2>Communication, like for Susan and I, it can be as simple as we kiss and we look each other in the eyes and just spend a second being present.

00:18:41.347 --> 00:18:47.449
<v Speaker 2>Give us some tips, give us some thoughts on that, and then I want to move into the children and reconnecting with them.

00:18:48.111 --> 00:18:53.550
<v Speaker 3>So I think, like for families, right now, you guys have a gift because you have cell phones.

00:18:53.550 --> 00:19:04.828
<v Speaker 3>You don't have to wait in a long line for the pay phone and hope that you get to get on that call with your wife before they're like no phones are cut down now.

00:19:04.828 --> 00:19:18.290
<v Speaker 3>So facetime zoom whatsapp video like Facebook video chat like look at your person in the face, you know whether it's a guy or girl, you know.

00:19:18.290 --> 00:19:21.758
<v Speaker 3>Be present with them, ask them questions that matter not.

00:19:21.758 --> 00:19:24.811
<v Speaker 3>How are you not, how are things going?

00:19:24.811 --> 00:19:25.753
<v Speaker 3>Find out.

00:19:25.753 --> 00:19:27.136
<v Speaker 3>What do you have planned this week?

00:19:27.136 --> 00:19:28.047
<v Speaker 3>What's exciting?

00:19:28.047 --> 00:19:29.730
<v Speaker 3>What's the best thing you've done this week?

00:19:29.730 --> 00:19:31.596
<v Speaker 3>What are you celebrating?

00:19:31.596 --> 00:19:32.096
<v Speaker 3>You know?

00:19:32.096 --> 00:19:40.815
<v Speaker 3>Because when we celebrate, we're telling our brain we did something right, we're, we're, we're getting that dopamine hit of you know where we feel excitement and it feels good.

00:19:40.815 --> 00:19:44.027
<v Speaker 3>Why would you not want that dopamine hit all the time?

00:19:44.027 --> 00:20:00.973
<v Speaker 3>By celebrating, celebrate the fact that you guys get to be together, even if you just sit in silence and stare at each other and just say you know, I notice, you know, I notice you, I see you and I and I, and I know I can't be there with you, but I just want to take this moment and just look in your eyes and feel you.

00:20:01.054 --> 00:20:10.553
<v Speaker 3>My husband travels and I travel and sometimes we're passing ships Like we were like talking about um I think it's July.

00:20:10.553 --> 00:20:25.776
<v Speaker 3>We literally won't see each other until like the end of August, from July to August, because I have travel jobs, he has travel jobs, and when he gets back I'm already gone by a day, and then I get back and then he's gone again, and it just works out that way.

00:20:25.776 --> 00:20:37.365
<v Speaker 3>We use Marco Polo now, which is an app that we just recently, in the last few months, found out about, so we leave each other messages and it feels so good just to like.

00:20:37.365 --> 00:20:45.749
<v Speaker 3>I woke up this morning to like him in the dark and it's like hey, I miss you Cause he's, he's gone for work, and he's like I wish I was here just to cuddle you.

00:20:45.749 --> 00:20:49.925
<v Speaker 3>I just want you to know that I'm deep, that's it.

00:20:49.925 --> 00:20:50.406
<v Speaker 3>That's it.

00:20:50.406 --> 00:20:52.130
<v Speaker 3>I deeply miss you.

00:20:52.130 --> 00:21:18.430
<v Speaker 3>And um, you know it brought tears to my eyes of just gratitude, of feeling seen, feeling needed, just in that little, literally five second video, you know, um, so there's ways that you could create that, and I think that that's what me and my husband found is that polarity is a lot, proximity is a lot, and when the proximity is missing, how can you create it?

00:21:18.430 --> 00:21:25.471
<v Speaker 3>So ask yourself what would have to happen for me to create that proximity with my husband, even though he's not physically here.

00:21:26.333 --> 00:21:35.808
<v Speaker 3>I've had people that I've worked with, not even military, where you know they're college students and they're in Texas and they're they're persons in New York.

00:21:35.808 --> 00:21:41.195
<v Speaker 3>You know what they do on Friday night they have zoom dinner dates and they get on zoom they.

00:21:41.195 --> 00:21:42.349
<v Speaker 3>They make the same meal.

00:21:42.349 --> 00:21:45.773
<v Speaker 3>They would talk about how each one were better than the other.

00:21:45.773 --> 00:21:49.244
<v Speaker 3>They put on the movie at the same time so they'd watch the movie together.

00:21:49.244 --> 00:21:51.252
<v Speaker 3>So they would create date nights through zoom.

00:21:51.967 --> 00:21:58.713
<v Speaker 2>I love that and the idea that they make the same meal and that's.

00:21:58.994 --> 00:22:04.535
<v Speaker 3>that's super cool, yeah you know, and that's one of the things is that, because they were like, I don't want to break up, but how do you keep doing this?

00:22:04.535 --> 00:22:05.667
<v Speaker 3>And I said, well, what's missing?

00:22:05.667 --> 00:22:08.224
<v Speaker 3>They're like well, we don't get to be with them, we don't get to see them.

00:22:08.224 --> 00:22:12.555
<v Speaker 3>I said, well, what would have to happen for you to see them if you can't be with them?

00:22:12.555 --> 00:22:14.057
<v Speaker 3>Like, what would it mean to you to be close?

00:22:14.057 --> 00:22:16.834
<v Speaker 3>And so we just came up with this at the cuff, like this is what we're doing.

00:22:16.834 --> 00:22:23.085
<v Speaker 3>And it kept their relationship together for the next four years because that person wasn't leaving New York or wherever they were.

00:22:23.085 --> 00:22:24.509
<v Speaker 3>They were going to finish their four-year degree.

00:22:24.509 --> 00:22:29.615
<v Speaker 3>You know, and I love what Susan just said, date night pivot Absolutely.

00:22:29.615 --> 00:22:39.519
<v Speaker 3>Sometimes we have to pivot, right, and but as long as we stay focused on what is the true need, that we want, doesn't matter what we do to get it.

00:22:39.540 --> 00:22:40.904
<v Speaker 2>I love that, yeah, and it's so true.

00:22:40.904 --> 00:22:45.163
<v Speaker 2>It's so true if we can just make that connection and there's always a way right.

00:22:45.163 --> 00:22:50.496
<v Speaker 2>And when people say I've tried everything, I've tried everything, have you really?

00:22:50.496 --> 00:22:52.330
<v Speaker 2>And all of a sudden they're like no, we haven't tried everything.

00:22:52.330 --> 00:22:53.805
<v Speaker 2>That's why I tell my clients they're like no, we haven't tried everything.

00:22:54.625 --> 00:22:55.469
<v Speaker 3>That's what I tell my clients.

00:22:55.469 --> 00:22:56.452
<v Speaker 3>They're like you know, we've tried everything.

00:22:56.452 --> 00:22:57.871
<v Speaker 3>I'm like you haven't tried being a killer yet.

00:22:57.871 --> 00:23:03.492
<v Speaker 3>You tell me this afterwards and then I'm like, oh my gosh, it's so great when you have a nine-year-old.

00:23:03.492 --> 00:23:04.578
<v Speaker 3>That's like mom.

00:23:04.578 --> 00:23:14.240
<v Speaker 3>I am so grateful for Vinu because we tried everything and she's the first person who made me feel like I want to live.

00:23:14.240 --> 00:23:23.755
<v Speaker 3>You know, like that just gives chills to me Me too, right now, and that's coming from a nine-year-old Wow.

00:23:24.665 --> 00:23:28.545
<v Speaker 3>So when we think our kids aren't deep, they're deep, they're the ones that are feeling it.

00:23:28.545 --> 00:23:30.311
<v Speaker 3>You think that they like to have these behaviors.

00:23:30.311 --> 00:23:31.869
<v Speaker 3>We think they do because they have them so often.

00:23:31.869 --> 00:23:35.388
<v Speaker 3>But honestly, it's a release for them, it's an expression for them.

00:23:35.388 --> 00:23:47.471
<v Speaker 3>So it's a great segue into like the kids right, when we look at some of the behaviors our kids have when military families leave and we're like, well, it's an adjustment, you know it's an adjustment, it is an adjustment.

00:23:47.931 --> 00:23:49.713
<v Speaker 3>So ask the kids what do you need?

00:23:49.713 --> 00:23:52.259
<v Speaker 3>You know what I've seen lately that they didn't have when?

00:23:52.259 --> 00:24:11.372
<v Speaker 3>Maybe they did, I didn't see them, but they have like daddy dolls, so they get, like your, a picture of your soldier or your Marine or your Navy guy and his uniform, you know his face and they stuff it and then they and mom would spray his cologne on it or whatever and the baby and the little kids can snuggle that at night.

00:24:11.372 --> 00:24:12.553
<v Speaker 3>So they still had.

00:24:12.553 --> 00:24:14.776
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, it's like a daddy doll.

00:24:14.776 --> 00:24:17.699
<v Speaker 3>They were kind of creepy looking, but really a great.

00:24:17.699 --> 00:24:20.182
<v Speaker 3>You know, can it be a voodoo doll?

00:24:22.159 --> 00:24:22.744
<v Speaker 2>I'm just joking.

00:24:22.744 --> 00:24:24.810
<v Speaker 2>I love you lady.

00:24:26.452 --> 00:24:28.756
<v Speaker 3>How great that is that people are.

00:24:28.756 --> 00:24:29.376
<v Speaker 3>Again.

00:24:29.376 --> 00:24:30.038
<v Speaker 3>It's pivoting.

00:24:30.038 --> 00:24:30.858
<v Speaker 3>You know I love that.

00:24:30.858 --> 00:24:31.961
<v Speaker 3>Susan said that it's a pivot.

00:24:31.961 --> 00:24:37.803
<v Speaker 3>It's like if I can't have my dad here, what do I need for my dad to make him feel like he's here?

00:24:37.823 --> 00:24:38.464
<v Speaker 2>Absolutely.

00:24:38.826 --> 00:24:41.153
<v Speaker 3>You know, because it's really just the body that's not there.

00:24:41.153 --> 00:24:47.108
<v Speaker 3>The thought's still there, you're being thought of, and so it's creating that with these kids.

00:24:47.108 --> 00:24:51.355
<v Speaker 3>And do we see behaviors change once they realize that?

00:24:51.355 --> 00:24:51.775
<v Speaker 3>You know?

00:24:51.775 --> 00:25:04.771
<v Speaker 3>The other thing is, is that a lot of times they're like well, when your dad gets home, you're going to, and so we set our dads up to you know to be the bad person, and so stop doing that as well.

00:25:04.771 --> 00:25:06.155
<v Speaker 3>Stop setting dad up to be that way.

00:25:06.155 --> 00:25:09.127
<v Speaker 3>Just, you know, take care of the situation and say you know what.

00:25:09.127 --> 00:25:14.736
<v Speaker 3>I would like to discuss this with your dad because I want to figure out how we could support you best in this.

00:25:15.256 --> 00:25:18.601
<v Speaker 3>That's great Supporting, not punishing.

00:25:19.265 --> 00:25:20.432
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I love that.

00:25:20.432 --> 00:25:24.170
<v Speaker 2>Going back to the daddy or mommy doll.

00:25:24.170 --> 00:25:34.686
<v Speaker 2>I also want to make a point that when a person child, adult imagines something or visualizes something, your brain doesn't know the difference.

00:25:34.686 --> 00:25:40.049
<v Speaker 2>So you're still releasing all those good hormones and all that good feeling stuff.

00:25:40.049 --> 00:25:44.847
<v Speaker 2>Teach them to smile, teach them to celebrate, all that stuff when you're doing this little neuro encoding guys.

00:25:44.847 --> 00:25:48.257
<v Speaker 2>Just little little tips here, but when you do that, it changes.

00:25:48.257 --> 00:25:51.355
<v Speaker 2>It changes what the, what the the mind actually sees, if you will.

00:25:51.355 --> 00:25:53.970
<v Speaker 2>So, um, just just a quick tip.

00:25:53.970 --> 00:25:55.313
<v Speaker 2>I love the, the.

00:25:55.313 --> 00:25:57.837
<v Speaker 2>I'm assuming there's a mommy oh, absolutely, mommy.

00:25:57.858 --> 00:25:58.646
<v Speaker 3>I don't want to leave that out.

00:25:58.646 --> 00:26:08.412
<v Speaker 3>I'm sorry, because I mean, yeah, one of my dearest friends you know what higher uh was retired military and she's amazing, she's freaking amazing.

00:26:10.996 --> 00:26:19.913
<v Speaker 2>So and thank you so, and it can be a cousin, whatever, whatever, whatever it means to you.

00:26:20.294 --> 00:26:28.067
<v Speaker 3>So and it doesn't have to be just military, like this, what I love about your talk we can address the military because it's it's a behavioral pattern.

00:26:28.067 --> 00:26:33.538
<v Speaker 3>We see all the time where mom and dad are deploying, but like again, like with me and my husband, like we travel a lot.

00:26:33.538 --> 00:26:36.113
<v Speaker 3>Right, my kids are old enough now they don't really need that.

00:26:36.113 --> 00:26:47.433
<v Speaker 3>Sage might think it's a little creepy, but you know, for those that have families, like you know, your mom or the dad travel like you've got little ones, you know.

00:26:53.105 --> 00:26:55.154
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, corporate structures, that kind of stuff, stuff where their sales structures any of that stuff.

00:26:55.154 --> 00:26:55.959
<v Speaker 2>I think that's fantastic.

00:26:55.959 --> 00:26:56.781
<v Speaker 2>Thank you for bringing that up as well.

00:26:56.801 --> 00:26:58.848
<v Speaker 3>Um, I know I don't have an affiliate link to the mommy daddy dolls.

00:26:58.848 --> 00:27:00.614
<v Speaker 3>I should.

00:27:00.614 --> 00:27:05.289
<v Speaker 3>I don't have an affiliate link to the mommy daddy, but I should probably get one now you probably can.

00:27:06.132 --> 00:27:08.855
<v Speaker 2>In fact, this show is sponsored by no.

00:27:08.875 --> 00:27:11.319
<v Speaker 3>The creepy mommy-daddy dolls.

00:27:12.346 --> 00:27:14.153
<v Speaker 2>I'm going to have one in the background tomorrow.

00:27:14.153 --> 00:27:21.535
<v Speaker 2>Oh, I just moved my camera, so let's move on from the mommy-daddy dolls.

00:27:21.535 --> 00:27:35.737
<v Speaker 2>So when the veterans coming home and we're getting low on time here so when the veterans are coming home and they are reconnecting again, there's the honeymoon period.

00:27:35.737 --> 00:27:36.919
<v Speaker 2>I love you, great to see you.

00:27:36.919 --> 00:27:39.550
<v Speaker 2>Like you were saying earlier, sorry for the voice, I just did.

00:27:39.550 --> 00:27:43.130
<v Speaker 2>But what are some tips?

00:27:43.130 --> 00:27:54.971
<v Speaker 2>Just some quick little tips as far as just how do you create that open communication, because it's not as easy as it sounds sometimes when you're caught up in everything else you're dealing with online.

00:27:54.971 --> 00:27:56.214
<v Speaker 2>Is your dog there?

00:27:56.214 --> 00:27:57.017
<v Speaker 2>Yes, they are.

00:27:58.945 --> 00:28:01.912
<v Speaker 3>Just like go, because they're going to start fighting in a second.

00:28:01.912 --> 00:28:08.971
<v Speaker 3>So, to create that open, safe and trusting space, ask them what they need before they get home.

00:28:08.971 --> 00:28:15.589
<v Speaker 3>What do you need in order to feel you know included again?

00:28:15.589 --> 00:28:15.910
<v Speaker 3>How?

00:28:15.910 --> 00:28:19.076
<v Speaker 3>How can I support you in reconnecting with us?

00:28:19.076 --> 00:28:28.134
<v Speaker 3>That's why, if you have that communication while they're gone and they know what you're up to and they know what's exciting, did you, did you join this new yoga class and you love it?

00:28:28.134 --> 00:28:29.906
<v Speaker 3>Or did you join this new gym?

00:28:29.906 --> 00:28:32.013
<v Speaker 3>Or, you know, did you find a new hairstylist?

00:28:32.013 --> 00:28:33.391
<v Speaker 3>You know, did you change your hair?

00:28:33.391 --> 00:28:38.156
<v Speaker 3>You know there's a new movie that's coming out that you can't wait to see with the kids.

00:28:38.156 --> 00:28:45.692
<v Speaker 3>Include them in your daily life all the time so when they come home, the transition's not so difficult for them.

00:28:45.692 --> 00:28:47.257
<v Speaker 3>Give them space.

00:28:48.105 --> 00:28:53.067
<v Speaker 3>I have realized when my husband comes home, he needs, he needs 24 hours Like for me to be like.

00:28:53.067 --> 00:28:55.974
<v Speaker 3>I mean, you said you mowed the lawn when you got home.

00:28:55.974 --> 00:29:01.866
<v Speaker 3>You've been home for 15 minutes Like when are you going to get on that lawnmower, because my lawn is just like crazy right now.

00:29:01.866 --> 00:29:04.414
<v Speaker 3>That does not work for me and Brian it's.

00:29:04.414 --> 00:29:10.633
<v Speaker 3>He needs a day to just piddle around the house and you've met Brian.

00:29:10.633 --> 00:29:19.756
<v Speaker 3>So, like he loves nature, like he has to go walk barefoot and go take care of the chickens and the lawn will be done in like 48 hours probably.

00:29:19.756 --> 00:29:26.203
<v Speaker 3>And so I have learned that because I've asked him, you know, and it gives him permission for me not to judge him like, oh, he's lazy.

00:29:26.203 --> 00:29:35.028
<v Speaker 3>Like I've been holding down the house for 10 days and now he's back and it's like, oh, I'm just going to take a vacation again.

00:29:35.028 --> 00:29:36.049
<v Speaker 3>It's like, yeah, it's exactly Susan.

00:29:36.049 --> 00:29:39.796
<v Speaker 3>It's decompressing, right, and how that changed because it's taken away.

00:29:39.876 --> 00:29:45.273
<v Speaker 3>Expectations, see, expectations, is the number one killer of relationships.

00:29:45.273 --> 00:29:48.288
<v Speaker 3>People think it's money, it's not, it's expectations.

00:29:48.288 --> 00:29:53.358
<v Speaker 3>And learn to appreciate rather than expect.

00:29:53.358 --> 00:29:59.377
<v Speaker 3>So, instead of expecting him to come home to mow the lawn, I could just appreciate he's home.

00:29:59.377 --> 00:30:03.573
<v Speaker 3>I could appreciate that I'm not lonely in my bed tonight.

00:30:03.573 --> 00:30:07.846
<v Speaker 3>I can appreciate that I don't have to go pick up the kids because he's going to go pick up the kids.

00:30:07.846 --> 00:30:21.378
<v Speaker 3>It's just really appreciating where he's at, appreciating that I have a lawn for him to mow, that after 15 years it's not all weeds, it's great, it's finally growing grass.

00:30:21.439 --> 00:30:25.808
<v Speaker 3>But seriously, it's like what can you appreciate in that moment?

00:30:25.808 --> 00:30:28.354
<v Speaker 3>And asking him when he's coming home.

00:30:28.354 --> 00:30:30.156
<v Speaker 3>I, I want to appreciate you.

00:30:30.156 --> 00:30:31.440
<v Speaker 3>You know you've been gone.

00:30:31.440 --> 00:30:35.112
<v Speaker 3>What do you need when you get home from us?

00:30:35.112 --> 00:30:46.204
<v Speaker 3>Maybe they don't want the big welcome party, maybe they don't want everyone at the house, maybe they just, you know, want a night with just the kids and not you, because they just they miss their little kitties and they want to get them associated.

00:30:46.204 --> 00:30:47.607
<v Speaker 3>Then they want you.

00:30:47.607 --> 00:30:56.933
<v Speaker 3>You know how do you take what they're saying and not take it personally and know their needs are your needs and your needs are their needs.

00:30:57.214 --> 00:30:58.698
<v Speaker 2>Amen, yeah, that's fantastic.

00:30:58.698 --> 00:31:09.984
<v Speaker 2>I'd like to kind of add on to that a little bit, especially for veterans coming back, because a lot of times there's anxiety and those issues, if you will, of what to expect.

00:31:09.984 --> 00:31:13.095
<v Speaker 2>So if that communication is there, half that's going to be gone.

00:31:13.095 --> 00:31:24.996
<v Speaker 2>And I want to add one more thing Start planning ahead of time for your transition on things you guys are going to do so that everybody's already excited about it and you have something to look forward to.

00:31:24.996 --> 00:31:28.213
<v Speaker 2>It's not you come back and it's now what.

00:31:28.615 --> 00:31:31.845
<v Speaker 3>Right, I want to add one more strategy, if I can cause.

00:31:31.845 --> 00:31:32.728
<v Speaker 3>I know we're almost out of time.

00:31:32.807 --> 00:31:33.349
<v Speaker 2>You're good.

00:31:33.349 --> 00:31:34.493
<v Speaker 2>Hey, I own the place.

00:31:34.493 --> 00:31:34.894
<v Speaker 2>Go for it.

00:31:35.184 --> 00:31:35.707
<v Speaker 3>Okay, great.

00:31:35.707 --> 00:31:46.506
<v Speaker 3>So one of the things that I do with my families is that I help them incorporate family meetings and so, like every Sunday night, they're eating dinner and they do the family meeting.

00:31:46.506 --> 00:31:46.967
<v Speaker 3>It's right.

00:31:46.967 --> 00:31:48.931
<v Speaker 3>It's like what are we working on?

00:31:48.931 --> 00:31:51.738
<v Speaker 3>What was old business, what?

00:31:51.738 --> 00:31:53.269
<v Speaker 3>What do we need to work on?

00:31:53.269 --> 00:31:55.276
<v Speaker 3>What are we going to be looking forward to this week?

00:31:55.276 --> 00:32:08.458
<v Speaker 3>And if you continue to do those family meetings with your spouse, mom or dad, whoever's gone, when they come home, have a family meeting, right, like, just keep it going.

00:32:08.458 --> 00:32:12.674
<v Speaker 3>So it's like something is normal for them, still Love it.

00:32:12.674 --> 00:32:13.557
<v Speaker 3>It's normal.

00:32:13.557 --> 00:32:17.836
<v Speaker 3>It's normalizing the situation that they don't have to miss out on everything.

00:32:19.946 --> 00:32:22.933
<v Speaker 2>So would you start the family meetings before they go?

00:32:22.933 --> 00:32:30.214
<v Speaker 2>Oh, absolutely, yeah, yeah, so that it's just yeah and it should be something constant, right yeah absolutely.

00:32:30.425 --> 00:32:33.626
<v Speaker 2>And Zoom it, yes, zoom it.

00:32:33.626 --> 00:32:38.489
<v Speaker 2>You know again that communication and that connection all the way through, not just for the family but everybody.

00:32:38.489 --> 00:32:41.277
<v Speaker 2>So, and you can have daddy doll there.

00:32:41.277 --> 00:32:45.211
<v Speaker 2>This show brought to you by um.

00:32:45.211 --> 00:32:46.576
<v Speaker 2>Thank you so much.

00:32:46.576 --> 00:32:51.211
<v Speaker 2>I appreciate you as always, as a person and, of course, as a guest here.

00:32:51.211 --> 00:32:55.316
<v Speaker 2>You always bring such amazing content and information, so I love you to death.

00:32:55.316 --> 00:32:56.528
<v Speaker 2>Thank you so much for being here.

00:32:56.528 --> 00:32:57.590
<v Speaker 2>Thank you for having me.

00:32:57.590 --> 00:32:59.936
<v Speaker 2>Before we go, three tips.

00:33:04.589 --> 00:33:05.511
<v Speaker 3>Be curious, not critical.

00:33:05.511 --> 00:33:18.319
<v Speaker 3>My favorite one, you know I always say that Get rid of your expectations and learn to appreciate more and end your day with celebration and gratitude.

00:33:19.105 --> 00:33:20.888
<v Speaker 2>Love it, absolutely love it.

00:33:20.888 --> 00:33:21.710
<v Speaker 2>All right, everybody.

00:33:21.710 --> 00:33:24.295
<v Speaker 2>And on that note, again, thank you very much.

00:33:24.295 --> 00:33:25.998
<v Speaker 2>Can't wait to have you back and see you.

00:33:25.998 --> 00:33:27.648
<v Speaker 2>See you, yes, all right, talk to you soon.

00:33:27.648 --> 00:33:27.849
<v Speaker 2>Everybody.

00:33:27.849 --> 00:33:28.212
<v Speaker 2>We're out of here.

00:33:28.212 --> 00:33:28.453
<v Speaker 2>Bye, see you.

00:33:28.453 --> 00:33:29.359
<v Speaker 2>See you, yes, all right, we'll talk to you soon.

00:33:29.359 --> 00:33:30.085
<v Speaker 2>Everybody, we're out of here.

00:33:33.355 --> 00:33:33.435
<v Speaker 1>Bye.

00:33:33.435 --> 00:33:39.973
<v Speaker 1>Thank you for joining us on another insightful journey of your Thoughts your Reality podcast with your host, michael Cole.

00:33:39.973 --> 00:33:47.276
<v Speaker 1>We hope the conversation sparked some thoughts that resonate with you To dive deeper into empowering your thoughts and enhancing your reality.

00:33:47.276 --> 00:33:49.752
<v Speaker 1>Visit empowerperformancestrategiescom.

00:33:49.752 --> 00:33:51.731
<v Speaker 1>Remember your thoughts, shape your reality.

00:33:51.731 --> 00:33:52.526
<v Speaker 1>Visit empowerperformancestrategiescom.

00:33:52.526 --> 00:33:54.750
<v Speaker 1>Remember your thoughts, shape your reality, so make them count.

00:33:54.750 --> 00:33:59.834
<v Speaker 1>Until next time, stay inspired and keep creating the reality you desire.

00:33:59.834 --> 00:34:01.571
<v Speaker 1>Catch you on the next episode.