246 | Why Hiding Toys Matters: Reflecting Permanence and Trust in the Child-Centered Playroom

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi,

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I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode,

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I am answering a question from Rob in Arizona.

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Rob,

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I am so excited to hear from a male play therapist.

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I say this all the time when one joins my coaching or my Collective,

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and I'm sure there's male podcast listeners as well,

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but sometimes I don't have interactions with those.

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So thank you so much for

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representing

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males in this field,

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and there are so many kids that really need

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to bond with

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a male in their therapeutic work,

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so.

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I'm so happy that there are more men in the

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field and I'm really excited to hear from you,

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Rob.

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So,

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and as a related note about Arizona,

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I was in Arizona last year for synchronized swimming nationals,

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and it was the first time we had been there.

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We were in the Del Oro area

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and it was absolutely amazing.

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It was just,

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it's a very unique state and it was so pretty and

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we were so glad that we had a chance to go.

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So.

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was recently in Arizona and lovely.

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So thanks for reaching out,

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Rob.

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So I'm gonna read parts of his question and then we'll talk through it together.

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I appreciate this podcast so much and I'm thankful for you and

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my journey to continue to develop into a focused and attuned therapist

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capable of making changes.

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I love the Landreth book.

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Me too.

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That said,

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I have an eight year old child.

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He likes to hide the toys he plays with

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the most

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and has asked me if the toys will be safe while he's gone.

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I've used the reflective responses and tracked the investment he has in

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the toys and his efforts to ensure safety due to his connection.

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He still hides them and looks to me to protect them.

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Obviously there's a theme here,

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and I'm seeing how much our relationship means to him.

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I'm curious how to continue to go about this,

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as I've noticed that he has added a toy here and there to hide and keep safe.

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Thank you for the work that you do,

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and I'm proud to call myself a play therapist.

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I think we all should be proud to call ourselves play therapists,

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so that's exciting.

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OK,

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thanks,

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Rob,

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for the question.

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I think let's start with

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what I consider to be thematically what's going on here,

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which is permanence.

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And anytime we have a child

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that buries things,

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hide hides things,

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anytime there's hide and seek,

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any time the child will

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want something to remain,

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there's a sense of permanence play.

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And why that's significant is permanence is something that

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a child basically has to test and wrestle with.

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In other words,

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conflicting truths.

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So we will see this in kids that have recently gone through a divorce,

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for example,

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because what they're trying to sort out,

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let's go back,

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kids have a very concrete black and white way of viewing the world.

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So you're either all good or you're all bad,

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or

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mom and dad either love each other or they hate each other.

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Or when I'm at mom's house,

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I can only love mom and when I'm at dad's house,

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I can only love dad.

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So they have these very

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Defined ways of thinking through the world,

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but the world has a lot of gray.

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And so in a scenario where a child is working through permanence,

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they're essentially saying,

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how do I resolve what I perceive to be conflicting truths.

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In other words,

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if I

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am at dad's,

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can I still love mom anyway?

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If I do something that gets me in trouble,

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can I be good

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even though I did something that was quote bad and I don't like value laden words,

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but kids do good versus bad play.

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That's why I'm using that scenario.

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You know,

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if I do something bad,

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am I still quote good?

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You can see how a kid's going to have to make sense of that.

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So in this scenario,

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I think absolutely you've identified what's going on.

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So there's

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the relationship component of this.

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And there's also the possessiveness,

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so these are things that really matter to me.

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These are the toys that I play with the most.

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They're my favorites.

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So if I leave them here,

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are they going to be here when I come back?

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If I leave them here,

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is someone else going to play with them and somehow mess them up or ruin them or

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impact my

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need for them in some way?

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Does our relationship persist even when I'm not with you?

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You know,

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kids only come and play with us an hour each week,

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and they have dozens of hours the rest of the week without us.

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So

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am I still important to you?

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Do I still matter to you?

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Does the relationship persevere even in the midst of me not

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seeing you for the rest of the hours in the week?

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There's all of these things that he's wrestling with.

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And

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when he says to you,

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you need to keep them safe,

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you need to protect them.

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That's a call to you

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that this needs to be important to you as well.

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You know,

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our time together,

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the toys that I play with,

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our connection,

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our relationship,

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you need to guard this too.

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So he's kind of giving you a task in this scenario

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where you have to safeguard this as well because

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he's wanting to safeguard it,

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but then has to leave.

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So he's giving you the torch essentially and saying,

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OK,

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you keep these safe when I'm not here.

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So I'm gonna hide them,

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but then I have to rely on you

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to do the rest of it.

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So,

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you said,

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I'm curious how to continue to go about this as I've noticed that

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he has added a toy here and there to hide and keep safe.

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You first of all,

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you would just want to acknowledge that.

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So,

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oh,

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you've chosen to put something else in there this week,

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or

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you added another toy to the things that you're hiding this week.

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That one's really important to you as well.

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So you just want to acknowledge that because

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that is a change.

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So not only do we want to acknowledge repetitive and consistent

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patterns of behavior with children,

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but we also want to acknowledge when things change.

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They need to hear the verbalization of those

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observations.

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But Rob,

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I think the biggest piece of what needs to be done here

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is I,

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you didn't mention how many sessions in you are.

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So if you're really early in,

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I don't know that this is going to have the

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impact that it could if you're later in the process,

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I would start enlarging

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what the deeper

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meaning is to some of this.

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So

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it's important to you

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that you can count on things being.

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Where you wanted them to be.

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Or

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it means a lot to know that I'm going to keep

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this safe because you can't be here to keep them safe.

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You want to actually start enlarging some of

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the deeper reasonings behind what he's doing because

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we,

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we know thematically what's going on.

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But remember,

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kids are emotional.

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Kids are driven by their feelings,

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they often do not have the cognitive connection

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to what's happening.

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So when we enlarge,

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that bridges the gap for them.

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And I think that would be powerful for him,

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assuming that you're a little bit further into the process,

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because

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this is something that he

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is

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really consistent about.

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And you already acknowledged the

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extent of the relationship,

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you acknowledge the extent of the connection,

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and you acknowledge that these are the toys that he uses the most.

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So there's meaning there.

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Often when kids

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want things to be hidden

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and or there's a possessive nature to it.

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There's a need for control as well.

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So my,

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my gut tells me he's probably anxious.

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I don't know that for sure and I don't

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know that I'll have any confirmation either way,

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but my gut tells me he's anxious and so

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keep in mind that when kids try to control things,

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that's usually the antidote to anxiety.

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So if I can make sure that this stays right here

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and no one touches it and Rob's gonna keep it safe,

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it'll be exactly there when I come back.

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That's a control grab.

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But

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not for power and control,

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it's to reduce the anxiety of,

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oh no,

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what happens if I come back and it's not here.

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What happens if another kid played with it?

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What happens if it gets broken because someone doesn't treat it carefully?

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What happens if I can't find it when I come into the room next time?

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What if,

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what if,

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what if?

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All anxious

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thoughts.

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So control is,

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I'm gonna make sure it stays right here and no one touches it.

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So I'm not sure if that's a factor as well,

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but if there's anxiety,

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I think that's also what's going on.

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So you could also enlarge that.

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You might be able to say something like,

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it feels good

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when

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you can do everything you can

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to make sure that things are how you need them to be.

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Something like that.

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So anyway,

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we,

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we always look at the why

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and then we try to,

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aside from the reflective responses,

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which it sounds like you're doing,

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Rob,

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you want to at some point move into enlargements because

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that helps a child understand at a more cognitive level

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why they feel compelled to

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do these things in the playroom.

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So I hope that that's helpful to you,

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Rob.

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Thank you so much for the email and

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I'm really excited to

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know that there are people all over this

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world that are working with kids doing CCPT and

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we just get to see the changes that take place in the playrooms.

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It's so exciting,

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so worthwhile,

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and I think it just

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makes us,

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you know,

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we get to the end of our day

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and

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there's,

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there has to be a moment where you just say,

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wow,

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I got to do that today.

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I,

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I feel that all the time.

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I

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catch myself saying,

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I get to do this for a job.

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This is,

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this is what I do for my job.

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This is the most amazing thing.

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And I actually,

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I think I might have shared the story a long,

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long time ago,

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but if you're new to the podcast,

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who knows if you heard it?

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I had a kid one time say,

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in a play session.

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So this is like your job.

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And I'm like,

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oh,

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you're wondering if this is my job,

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and they were like,

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yeah,

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so like you just like play with kids.

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And I'm like,

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huh,

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you're a little confused if,

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if all I do is play with kids all day,

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how that's a job.

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And she goes,

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I feel really bad for you.

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Like,

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truly with this like look on her face and this tone in her voice,

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like she truly felt sad.

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And I'm like,

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oh,

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you feel really sad for me,

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but I'm not really sure why.

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And she goes,

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because you have to sit and watch kids play all day.

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Like

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that was just the worst thing that she could ever conceive of.

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And

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I,

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you know,

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it's one of those moments where you're like,

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do you

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tell the truth,

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which is,

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I love getting to play with kids every day,

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or do I just reflect and not interject my own opinion.

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So I,

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I was kind of wrestling with that in that moment.

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But I,

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I think it is a true gift and I think we all feel that way,

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which is why it's such an honor to get to

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walk these journeys with our clients and it's so special.

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All right,

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love y'all.

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We'll talk again soon.

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Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr.

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Brenna Hicks.

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For more episodes and resources,

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please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.