395 | Helping Children Through Divorce: The Importance of Age-Appropriate Truth

Play Therapy Podcast: A Master-Class in Child-Centered Play Therapy

In this episode, I answer a question about helping children navigate a difficult divorce and discuss how to guide parents in communicating hard truths in developmentally appropriate ways. I explain why shielding children from reality often creates more confusion and anxiety, because children are already aware that something is wrong. When adults avoid conversations, children fill in the gaps themselves—and unfortunately, they often do so with self-blame, shame, or distorted conclusions. I emphasize the importance of "age-appropriate truth": saying enough to provide clarity and security, without overwhelming the child with adult details.

I also talk about coaching parents to remain calm, neutral, and emotionally regulated when discussing difficult situations with their children. Whether the issue is divorce, illness, learning differences, or family conflict, children need truthful preparation and emotional safety—not secrecy. I explain how openness preserves trust, allows children to process what's happening over time, and prevents resentment from forming later. This episode is ultimately about helping children feel secure enough to face hard realities without feeling responsible for them.

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Ask Me Questions: Call ‪(813) 812-5525‬, or email: brenna@thekidcounselor.com Brenna's CCPT Hub: https://www.playtherapynow.com CCPT Collective (online community exclusively for CCPTs): https://www.ccptcollective.com Podcast HQ: https://www.playtherapypodcast.com APT Approved Play Therapy CE courses: https://childcenteredtraining.com Facebook: https://facebook.com/playtherapypodcast

Common References: Cochran, N., Nordling, W., & Cochran, J. (2010). Child-Centered Play Therapy (1st ed.). Wiley. VanFleet, R., Sywulak, A. E., & Sniscak, C. C. (2010). Child-centered play therapy. Guilford Press. Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge. Landreth, G.L., & Bratton, S.C. (2019). Child-Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT): An Evidence-Based 10-Session Filial Therapy Model (2nd ed.). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781315537948 Benedict, Helen. Themes in Play Therapy. Used with permission to Heartland Play Therapy Institute.

2026-05-07 10 min Transcript

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Transcript

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi,

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I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode,

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I'm answering a question from Emily in the UK.

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And this is about her work with twin boys,

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and the family

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is going through a pretty nasty divorce.

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And so trying to navigate that,

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what to share with parents

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regarding how to handle that with

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children.

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So,

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really helpful question.

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Thank you,

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Emily.

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Hello to all my UKers,

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by the way.

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I know there's a lot of you,

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so happy to have you.

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All right,

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so we will dive into

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this email in just one second.

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I just want to do a quick little reminder,

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Thursday,

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May 28th at 12pm Eastern.

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We are doing our 400th episode and it will be live.

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So,

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Zoom call,

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a whole bunch of people on there.

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We'll do a little bit of podcast stuff and then we'll do Q&A.

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Be a lot of fun.

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So,

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if you are interested and you are able to attend May 28th,

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Thursday at noon,

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www.playtherapypodcast.com/400

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is where you'll need to go to register for that.

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All right.

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So,

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let's read parts of the email

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and then we'll tackle it.

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I'm working with 2

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10-year-old twins.

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One completely fits with the externalizing description

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you gave in a recent parenting podcast.

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And the other fits with internalizing.

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It was amazing timing for these episodes.

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I remember you often say that questions come in waves exactly when you need them,

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and I feel this has happened to me.

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I'm so glad,

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Emily.

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So many people tell me that I obviously had them in mind when I recorded things.

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The day before you released your internalizing episode,

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their mom told me about a difficult experience that

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week in which her quieter son burst into tears,

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seemingly unprovoked during his football practice.

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The family is going through a tricky divorce,

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and my advice up to then had been to shield the boys

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from the stress of the divorce and co-parent civilly as much as possible.

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However,

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after listening to your podcast,

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it made me question the advice I've been giving as

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I was encouraging the mom to internalize as well.

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I shared your podcast with this mom and honestly

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commented that I worry my advice was poor,

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that I would contact you and ask your opinion on how

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open parents can be with their children during stressful times.

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Any advice you have would be so very appreciated.

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All right,

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so,

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first,

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let's start with the

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Easy element of this.

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I know sometimes we can beat ourselves up for

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things that we said or we wanted to have said and didn't.

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Things we did or we should have done and didn't.

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There are always things that we look back and we say,

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gosh,

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that really was not

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how I wish that would have gone.

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And there's an easy frustration or blame or I

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really botched that feeling that can come over us.

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But we have to remind ourselves of

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the

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principles that we know about child-centered play therapy.

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What's most important may not be what you do,

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but what you do after what you've done.

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And so,

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when we realize,

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you know what,

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I don't really like

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the way that that was handled in the playroom,

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or I don't like the advice that I recommended,

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or I actually know something more that I didn't know

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earlier.

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So,

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I want to bring that up again and I want to readdress it.

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There is always the opportunity for us to circle back and

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adjust

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what

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we wish we would have done differently in the earlier part.

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So,

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I think that there's no harm here in saying,

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OK,

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I've been thinking about it,

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or I've gotten more information now,

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or I've done some more research,

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and here's what I know now.

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And there's no problem,

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and that's even true in play sessions.

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So I think we can take some of the pressure off

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of ourselves for being so on target all the time.

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And I think that that will alleviate some of the concern in this situation for you,

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Emily,

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as well.

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So,

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what do we encourage parents?

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Well,

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first off,

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always

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age-appropriate truth.

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Here's why.

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Kids know

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that there's stuff going on.

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Kids know when they struggle in school,

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but they don't know why.

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Kids know that they struggle socially.

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They don't know why.

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In those instances,

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I'm

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quietly in my head referring to

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learning disabilities and autism spectrum.

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Kids know that things are weird in the house.

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Kids know that someone is sick and really ill.

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These are all types of things that kids are very perceptive,

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very aware,

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and adults try to shield them from the truth.

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The most helpful thing we can do

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is have an age-appropriate discussion.

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And we don't reveal more than necessary,

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so we are always going to encourage parents

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just say enough but not too much.

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Don't say nothing.

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Don't say everything.

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Say just enough

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so that there's not confusion,

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there's not unknown,

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there's not ambiguity,

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and see what happens if the child does not have the information.

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The child will start to fill the gaps

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and try to fill the holes,

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but unfortunately when they do that.

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And they don't have all the information,

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they fill the holes with misinformation.

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In other words,

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instead of understanding,

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I mix up my letters.

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That's why it's hard for me to spell.

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That's why it's hard for me to read.

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My brain mixes up letters and it,

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it's harder for me.

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If

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age-appropriate truth is provided for dyslexia,

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for example,

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That would be how those holes get filled.

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Without that information,

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the child starts to go,

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there's something wrong with me.

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I'm dumb.

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I'm an idiot.

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I clearly can't read.

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Everyone else has no problem reading,

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and they start to answer their questions

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with

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self-deprecating.

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Feelings and they have really negative self-dialogue.

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Same thing with

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when there's stuff going on in the house,

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when parents are separating,

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when they're arguing,

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when there's conflict,

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when they're not talking,

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when they're officially getting divorced

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and going through the process of that.

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There's

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always this sense that the child is like,

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oh my gosh,

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what is happening?

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Everything that I understood,

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everything that was normal is no longer.

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Well,

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it's really easy for them to go,

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Well,

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this is my fault.

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I,

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I wasn't obedient enough.

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I wasn't nice enough.

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I caused problems.

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I made mom mad all the time and then dad quit wanting to be around her.

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They're going to fill in all these gaps.

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So that's what we're trying to avoid.

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We have to help parents understand

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the importance of age-appropriate truth.

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And

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parents also need to be coached

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on how to remain neutral,

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how to remain calm,

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and how to not let emotions get in the way.

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So a lot of times parents have to do a lot of prep work,

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sometimes with you,

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sometimes independently,

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sometimes both.

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You sometimes have to do some coaching

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on

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how to keep their own emotions out of it,

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how to remain neutral and calm,

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and give space for kids to ask questions.

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Give space for kids to process

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what they're finding out about.

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So,

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in this case,

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you know,

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tricky divorce.

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Obviously,

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you know,

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difficulty in the home because of that.

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There's stress and all of that.

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The most helpful thing

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that

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at least mom,

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I know you're speaking with mom about this,

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so I don't know if dad's going to be involved or not,

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but

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the most helpful thing mom could do

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would just be to sit the boys down

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and say,

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OK,

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so I know that you're aware that dad and I

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are getting divorced.

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And

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we're trying to handle this the best that we can,

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but sometimes,

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you know,

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I'm gonna be sad,

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and sometimes I'm gonna be mad,

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and sometimes Dad and I,

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Dad and I may not get along.

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And

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We're gonna get through it,

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and we both love you,

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and things are gonna be different,

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but

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we are still a family

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and

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everything is gonna

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work out in the end.

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And then likely kids are going to either in that moment or over time,

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want to know some things.

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And so parents have to also be OK with answering questions in the same vein,

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neutrally,

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calmly,

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emotionlessly.

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And what that does

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is

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it doesn't make something a secret.

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It doesn't make something taboo.

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It doesn't make something off-limits.

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Kids like to be prepared

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and kids like to know what to expect.

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Everything is handled more appropriately.

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This is a universal truth.

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This isn't just kids,

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but it's even more prominent with kids.

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All of us

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handle things better the more information that we have.

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When things are a surprise,

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when they are unexpected,

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when they catch us off guard,

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when we don't see anything coming,

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it's far harder

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than when,

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even though we don't like it,

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we at least know what's coming or what to expect.

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So that's what we're trying to do.

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We are giving kids the preparation to work through this emotionally,

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mentally,

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relationally,

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psychologically.

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They need space.

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They need time.

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And by not discussing it,

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it's prolonging the work first and foremost,

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and we run the risk

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of kids getting resentful.

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Well,

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you didn't even tell me.

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That is the greatest concern

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for me

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when I hear that parents are keeping things from their kids,

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you knew and you didn't even tell me.

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That is a dangerous

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outcome

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for a child to be bitter and angry and resentful and hurt,

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and you lose trust

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when you feel like something was kept from you.

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It's one thing if someone didn't know.

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Like,

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I didn't know,

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of course I didn't tell you.

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I didn't even know myself,

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but if you know

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the truth

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and you don't share the truth,

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that's omission.

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And that is sometimes just as damaging,

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and kids can really get the fallout

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of that decision.

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So,

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we're always going to help parents coach them,

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give them the prep

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of how to handle those conversations,

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and

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that sets everyone up

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to handle it in the most effective ways.

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So,

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Emily,

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thank you so much for the question.

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I hope that's helpful for all of you.

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If you want to reach out,

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I'd love to hear from you.

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So please do,

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Brenna at the kidcounselor.com.

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I love y'all.

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We'll talk again soon.

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Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.

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For more episodes and resources,

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please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.

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