395 | Helping Children Through Divorce: The Importance of Age-Appropriate Truth

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi,

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I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode,

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I'm answering a question from Emily in the UK.

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And this is about her work with twin boys,

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and the family

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is going through a pretty nasty divorce.

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And so trying to navigate that,

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what to share with parents

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regarding how to handle that with

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children.

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So,

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really helpful question.

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Thank you,

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Emily.

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Hello to all my UKers,

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by the way.

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I know there's a lot of you,

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so happy to have you.

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All right,

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so we will dive into

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this email in just one second.

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I just want to do a quick little reminder,

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Thursday,

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May 28th at 12pm Eastern.

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We are doing our 400th episode and it will be live.

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So,

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Zoom call,

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a whole bunch of people on there.

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We'll do a little bit of podcast stuff and then we'll do Q&A.

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Be a lot of fun.

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So,

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if you are interested and you are able to attend May 28th,

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Thursday at noon,

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www.playtherapypodcast.com/400

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is where you'll need to go to register for that.

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All right.

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So,

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let's read parts of the email

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and then we'll tackle it.

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I'm working with 2

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10-year-old twins.

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One completely fits with the externalizing description

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you gave in a recent parenting podcast.

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And the other fits with internalizing.

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It was amazing timing for these episodes.

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I remember you often say that questions come in waves exactly when you need them,

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and I feel this has happened to me.

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I'm so glad,

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Emily.

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So many people tell me that I obviously had them in mind when I recorded things.

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The day before you released your internalizing episode,

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their mom told me about a difficult experience that

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week in which her quieter son burst into tears,

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seemingly unprovoked during his football practice.

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The family is going through a tricky divorce,

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and my advice up to then had been to shield the boys

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from the stress of the divorce and co-parent civilly as much as possible.

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However,

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after listening to your podcast,

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it made me question the advice I've been giving as

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I was encouraging the mom to internalize as well.

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I shared your podcast with this mom and honestly

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commented that I worry my advice was poor,

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that I would contact you and ask your opinion on how

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open parents can be with their children during stressful times.

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Any advice you have would be so very appreciated.

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All right,

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so,

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first,

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let's start with the

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Easy element of this.

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I know sometimes we can beat ourselves up for

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things that we said or we wanted to have said and didn't.

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Things we did or we should have done and didn't.

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There are always things that we look back and we say,

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gosh,

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that really was not

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how I wish that would have gone.

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And there's an easy frustration or blame or I

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really botched that feeling that can come over us.

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But we have to remind ourselves of

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the

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principles that we know about child-centered play therapy.

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What's most important may not be what you do,

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but what you do after what you've done.

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And so,

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when we realize,

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you know what,

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I don't really like

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the way that that was handled in the playroom,

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or I don't like the advice that I recommended,

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or I actually know something more that I didn't know

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earlier.

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So,

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I want to bring that up again and I want to readdress it.

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There is always the opportunity for us to circle back and

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adjust

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what

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we wish we would have done differently in the earlier part.

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So,

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I think that there's no harm here in saying,

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OK,

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I've been thinking about it,

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or I've gotten more information now,

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or I've done some more research,

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and here's what I know now.

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And there's no problem,

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and that's even true in play sessions.

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So I think we can take some of the pressure off

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of ourselves for being so on target all the time.

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And I think that that will alleviate some of the concern in this situation for you,

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Emily,

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as well.

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So,

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what do we encourage parents?

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Well,

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first off,

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always

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age-appropriate truth.

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Here's why.

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Kids know

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that there's stuff going on.

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Kids know when they struggle in school,

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but they don't know why.

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Kids know that they struggle socially.

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They don't know why.

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In those instances,

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I'm

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quietly in my head referring to

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learning disabilities and autism spectrum.

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Kids know that things are weird in the house.

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Kids know that someone is sick and really ill.

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These are all types of things that kids are very perceptive,

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very aware,

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and adults try to shield them from the truth.

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The most helpful thing we can do

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is have an age-appropriate discussion.

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And we don't reveal more than necessary,

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so we are always going to encourage parents

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just say enough but not too much.

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Don't say nothing.

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Don't say everything.

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Say just enough

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so that there's not confusion,

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there's not unknown,

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there's not ambiguity,

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and see what happens if the child does not have the information.

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The child will start to fill the gaps

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and try to fill the holes,

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but unfortunately when they do that.

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And they don't have all the information,

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they fill the holes with misinformation.

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In other words,

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instead of understanding,

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I mix up my letters.

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That's why it's hard for me to spell.

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That's why it's hard for me to read.

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My brain mixes up letters and it,

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it's harder for me.

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If

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age-appropriate truth is provided for dyslexia,

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for example,

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That would be how those holes get filled.

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Without that information,

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the child starts to go,

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there's something wrong with me.

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I'm dumb.

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I'm an idiot.

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I clearly can't read.

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Everyone else has no problem reading,

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and they start to answer their questions

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with

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self-deprecating.

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Feelings and they have really negative self-dialogue.

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Same thing with

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when there's stuff going on in the house,

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when parents are separating,

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when they're arguing,

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when there's conflict,

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when they're not talking,

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when they're officially getting divorced

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and going through the process of that.

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There's

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always this sense that the child is like,

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oh my gosh,

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what is happening?

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Everything that I understood,

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everything that was normal is no longer.

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Well,

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it's really easy for them to go,

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Well,

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this is my fault.

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I,

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I wasn't obedient enough.

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I wasn't nice enough.

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I caused problems.

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I made mom mad all the time and then dad quit wanting to be around her.

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They're going to fill in all these gaps.

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So that's what we're trying to avoid.

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We have to help parents understand

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the importance of age-appropriate truth.

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And

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parents also need to be coached

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on how to remain neutral,

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how to remain calm,

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and how to not let emotions get in the way.

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So a lot of times parents have to do a lot of prep work,

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sometimes with you,

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sometimes independently,

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sometimes both.

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You sometimes have to do some coaching

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on

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how to keep their own emotions out of it,

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how to remain neutral and calm,

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and give space for kids to ask questions.

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Give space for kids to process

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what they're finding out about.

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So,

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in this case,

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you know,

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tricky divorce.

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Obviously,

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you know,

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difficulty in the home because of that.

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There's stress and all of that.

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The most helpful thing

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that

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at least mom,

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I know you're speaking with mom about this,

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so I don't know if dad's going to be involved or not,

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but

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the most helpful thing mom could do

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would just be to sit the boys down

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and say,

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OK,

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so I know that you're aware that dad and I

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are getting divorced.

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And

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we're trying to handle this the best that we can,

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but sometimes,

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you know,

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I'm gonna be sad,

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and sometimes I'm gonna be mad,

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and sometimes Dad and I,

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Dad and I may not get along.

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And

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We're gonna get through it,

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and we both love you,

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and things are gonna be different,

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but

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we are still a family

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and

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everything is gonna

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work out in the end.

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And then likely kids are going to either in that moment or over time,

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want to know some things.

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And so parents have to also be OK with answering questions in the same vein,

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neutrally,

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calmly,

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emotionlessly.

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And what that does

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is

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it doesn't make something a secret.

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It doesn't make something taboo.

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It doesn't make something off-limits.

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Kids like to be prepared

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and kids like to know what to expect.

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Everything is handled more appropriately.

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This is a universal truth.

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This isn't just kids,

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but it's even more prominent with kids.

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All of us

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handle things better the more information that we have.

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When things are a surprise,

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when they are unexpected,

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when they catch us off guard,

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when we don't see anything coming,

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it's far harder

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than when,

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even though we don't like it,

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we at least know what's coming or what to expect.

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So that's what we're trying to do.

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We are giving kids the preparation to work through this emotionally,

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mentally,

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relationally,

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psychologically.

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They need space.

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They need time.

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And by not discussing it,

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it's prolonging the work first and foremost,

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and we run the risk

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of kids getting resentful.

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Well,

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you didn't even tell me.

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That is the greatest concern

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for me

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when I hear that parents are keeping things from their kids,

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you knew and you didn't even tell me.

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That is a dangerous

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outcome

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for a child to be bitter and angry and resentful and hurt,

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and you lose trust

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when you feel like something was kept from you.

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It's one thing if someone didn't know.

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Like,

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I didn't know,

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of course I didn't tell you.

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I didn't even know myself,

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but if you know

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the truth

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and you don't share the truth,

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that's omission.

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And that is sometimes just as damaging,

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and kids can really get the fallout

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of that decision.

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So,

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we're always going to help parents coach them,

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give them the prep

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of how to handle those conversations,

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and

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that sets everyone up

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to handle it in the most effective ways.

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So,

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Emily,

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thank you so much for the question.

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I hope that's helpful for all of you.

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If you want to reach out,

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I'd love to hear from you.

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So please do,

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Brenna at the kidcounselor.com.

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I love y'all.

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We'll talk again soon.

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Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.

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For more episodes and resources,

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please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.