The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2

Oh, did you eat one of Bernie's special cookies and
forget what happened in the first episode, Well, Santa doesn't
blame you. I wasn't all there that night either. Our
story began at O'Hare Airport, where we met Bernie Gold,
a spirit hairlines liaison with no Christmas spirit, and not
just because she's Jewish. After ruining her family's Honoka party,
Bernie tries to down her sorrows by whipping up Santa's
all time favorite chocolate chip cookies. Only Bernie added a
naughty ingredient, a rare strain of kosher cannabis.
And when I accidentally landed.
At the wrong house of Bernie's house, well, I thought
those cookies were a gift for old Saint Nick. Let's
just say Santa got higher than the North Pole as
I was thrust into the first of eight Jewish themed
Stoner miracles.
Bernie had no choice but to.
Step up and become my designated driver or be forever
known as the jew who Ruined Christmas.
Episode two interior O'Hare Airport. Later that night and asleep
Santa sporting a Wisconsin Dell's bucket hat and sunglasses is
haphazardly strung over a baggage cart being pushed by Bernie.
Yeah. Sorry, I had a weekend at Bernie's. Your ass,
but there was no way I was getting in that sleigh.
Eve looks on in confusion as Bernie wheels Santa to
the Spirit Airlines counter. Bernie hops over and goes nuts
on the computer. Eve looks back and forth from Bernie
to man in red.
I have question, no name to be a hero?
Is your party over?
How did it go?
Bernie types vigorously. Eve looks at Bernie's scream Indiana. What's
in Indiana?
An orphanage?
Eve? Two tickets? You're getting on a plane?
Stand by?
Don't let you do first class?
Damn it.
Bernie backspaces aggressively.
What is going on?
Who is this?
Man?
Is your uncle or something?
Yeah, that's good, let's go with that.
What happens in your crippling fear of flying heights in
the first final destination?
Eve, I got a point to prove an adavant take
and no time to explain.
Bernie grabs her tickets and wheels Santa towards security interior
boarding tunnel. Later, Bernie struggles to figure out the brakes
on Santa's wheelchair.
She kicks the.
Chair multiple times, making out cold Santa jerk back and forth.
She bends down to nonchalantly whisper into his ear.
Okay, Papa Noel. We got through security with minor hiccups.
Thank you, Dave, and now we just need a board
take off in a man made steel tube of circulated farts.
And if I grab without understanding how.
She'sy Bernie sell rings, not thinking, she picks it up.
Intercut with Interior Northwestern Hospital. Simultaneously, Ronny paces in front
of the vending machine, rubbing her prego belly annoyingly.
Hello, Yes, what why are you yelling? I'm surprised or
even awake. Thought you'd for sure have smoked yourself into
a pod coma punny. You should say that, why is
that funny? You haven't even asked how anyone is.
The pain of thing?
How everyone not great?
Mom went into anaphylactic shock and is on an epinephrine drip.
Oh my god.
Be okay, yes, don't.
Be so dramatic anyway. I'm calling because I'm feeling much better,
even pregnant.
My immune system is robust.
Bernie rolls her eyes.
I'm going to convince the doctor to release me so
I can head back early and clean up the party.
I assume you haven't and Mom doesn't need any more Streuss.
No.
Everyone in the tunnel stares at Bernie, who just screamed,
I mean, oh.
You need a rest. Take care of my little niece
in there.
Nephew, your mom's favorite, so she'll want you by her side.
I promise the house will be clean by the time
you guys get home. What do you think of That
will be.
Hopefully by morning. I hate that Samuel has to spend
the night here, so we'll be with.
Him and Mom. I got the house really wrong, I.
Promise, okay, but to be frank, everyone is at their
wits ends with you. Mom and Dad are getting older.
They can't handle the drama. If they come home to
a mess.
I don't know how much longer you'll be welcome.
Oh that's the nurse. I gotta go.
Hi.
Bernie startles when she notices a bundled boy staring at
gold pixie dust swirling out of Santa's open mouth every
time he snores.
Is that Santa? Yes?
The line starts to move as everyone boards the plane
Interior Spirit Airplane later Bernie finishes, buckling a snooze Santa
into his seat. A flight attendant approaches, Oh, your grandpa, I.
Wish my life would have been way cooler. Can I
have the alcohol vodka gin?
Yes, that'll be forty dollars, water will be fine, steal forty.
Please go.
Bernie pops open her out of ant bottle. The doors
shut loud. Bernie Cooley adjusts her position.
Okay, here we go, it's happening.
As the plane starts to taxi, Bernie grabs Santa's hand.
She shuts her eyes tight.
Real talk, Nicholas. I wish I was the one high
right now. I know you're going through eight crazy nights
in one or whatever Benjamin said, but I could really
use some catatonic right now.
As Bernie continues to mumble to herself, Santa's eyes bust open,
smash zoom into Santa's peeper, enter his eye, and dive
through a stocking to emerge in a boiling pot of oil.
A Minora's second candle gets lit, and Benjamin's floating head appears.
Miracle two become a dradal and spin out.
We are sucked out of Santa's iris. His eyes are
now vibrating. Bernie feels Santa shaking.
Dah, Santa, get me out of here.
Santa tries to get out of his seat. He flings around,
not understanding he's restrained by a seatbelt. He uses the
Santa strength to rip through. He stands up. A buckle.
Flight attendant leans out.
Sir, we're still taxing. The seatbelt light is on? What
is this? Why am I here? Who are you people?
Santa bangs on the window. A passenger doesn't like what's happening.
Take it easy, buddy, sit down. Bernie grabs Santa's leg.
Sit down. You are about to be tackled by patriots
and then Christmas will be really wrecked.
Christmas is Christmas? Today is today? Christmas? Oh, I have
so much to do.
Santa takes off down the aisle towards the emergency door.
Not good.
Bernie chases after him. Heroic passengers try to restrain him,
but Santa's shifting up. Balld air marshal enters the aisle.
He whips out his badge. Sir, I am an air marshal.
You need to sit down. Bernie struggles to get through
the lookie loose to reach Santa.
Oh no, please please, he's got dementia. He doesn't mean
an need.
Ma'am.
Do not get involved, or he'll be in violation too.
I will take you both down.
Santa reaches into his coat. The passenger's gasp. He pulls
out a to pay. The air Marshal's eyes widen.
Oh, Kevin guarantee nice listens nineteen eighty six monofilament to
pay number one on your Christmas list. Let me out.
Uh, I didn't ask for that. Take it, it's yours.
How did you know that it was?
Get me off this plane?
Smash too. Interior tsa interrogation room. Later, Bernie sits across
from Agent Gimble. She's glancing towards a two way mirror
intercut with interior behind the mirror, same where Santa is
being strip searched by police. They put endless Christmas fund
from this person. Back in interrogation room, Agent Gimble smacks
the table to get Bernie's attention.
Okay, I say, I was surprised to see you here,
but I'm not a little girl, and you're not a
jack in the box. You're predictable. I knew you'd end
up right here in front of me.
Cuffed Gimble, I need you to beat not yourself right now. Okay,
this is an emergency.
You bet your asset's an emergency. You just committed a
title forty nine felony. Your toasts, Bernice.
Yeah, my name's Toort for Bernadette. But that doesn't matter.
What matters is that you help me get the man
you're holding to Indiana from holding.
The police have just pulled a candy cane from Santa's nethers.
They are horrified. Agent Gimble kicks his feet up on
the table.
Why is it that a woman who's never used her
airlines benefits suddenly on Christmas Eve wants to travel to
Fort Wayne, Indiana with a man claiming to be Santa Claus.
Agent Gimbal tosses an ID towards Bernie. She looks down
and takes in Santa's driver's license. It reads Nicholas Claus
North Pole three point fifteen, two seventy eight. Bernie takes
a deep breath. She's exhausted.
False identification another charge to be leveled.
He's not claiming to be Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
No, he isn't.
The I is real.
That's impossible, He's real.
All of it is.
Real, gimbal slaps the table.
Santa is not real, Okay, he's not. Christmas is about Christ,
not some mythical pervert pulling benies once a year. No
respectable adult let their kid believe and believe and believe,
and then they're in college and they still believe.
Infatiles, thank you, yes, God, damn it.
I knew that.
And then they're in college and they still believe, and
then it fantilizes.
And emasculates them.
So there's nothing gonna laugh really specific.
Well, I don't make nice sweaters because I'm not a sheep,
and I won't be fooled twice. Now you're gonna go
and tell me the truth or I'm gonna make you
wishy yawn.
Your spinning is long enough to hang yourself with.
From holding Santa's hands are pressed against the two way mirror.
The strip surch gets personal and makes Santa's eyes string open.
We smash them into Santa's eyeball, busting through Day twenty
five on an advent calendar. Instead of chocolate is the
golden hand of hamsa A Menora's third candle gets lit
and Benjamin's floating head appears. Miracle three gentlemen, maccabees, and
fight for your life. We are sucked out of santas Iris,
and now his eyes are glowing red. Santa slowly turns around.
All energy spinning out is now replaced with pure rage.
The policeman take a terrified step back. Santa beats the
ever loving shit out of it. Gimbal, unaware of what's happening
on the other side of the mirror, finishes his speech bite.
The bull said, Bernie, because I'm not saying this again,
Santa is.
Not real.
On cue. Santa head butts the window and smashes it
to smithering. Bernie screams and covers herself from the glass shower.
The blow forces Gimbal to the floor. Gimbal grabs his radio.
We've got a thirty two pieces we're gonna need backup,
Officer down.
Agent Gimbal grabs his taser and aims. He shoots at
Santa's private part.
Fager, you melted my snowballs.
Santa reaches into his pants and pulls out an icy snowball.
It's huge. He launches the ball at Gimbals. Upon impact,
Gimber spits teeth and goes down. Bernie's eyes widening fear.
As Santa turns his attention to her, she scoots backwards
in terror.
Look Santa, I can explain, I was just trying to
help my swear to God, Please please don't.
Bernie flinches and then realize that Santa has reached his
hand out to her as if to help her up.
I'm gonna take your hands now, Please don't dislocate my shoulder.
Santa yanks Bernie up like a rag doll as he
presses his belt buckles that is blinking red and green.
The tumors shot up through the ceiling exterior O'Hare airport.
Moments later, on the roof of the airport, far away
screens are accompanied by the sound of drywall being busted through.
Bernie and Santa emerge through the roof. Shingles, glass and
dust fly everywhere. Bernie is covered in the powder as
Santa's eyes glow red through his dirt covered face. As
Santa and Bernie fly through the air, they suddenly drop.
They're about to crash into pavement. When good Santa and Bernie,
laying perfectly inside Santa's sleigh, the reindeer trot in place.
Bernie startles as a giant commercial airplane passes them to
take off. She opens her eyes and realizes they're on
the runway. Bernie looks at Santa, who is still in Macabimo.
Benjamin, what the fuck did you sell me?
Santa smiles with clenched teeth and prompts the reindeer on.
Dasher on Dancer on Francer and Vixen on Comet on
Cupid and Donner and blitzing.
The reindeer turn around to look at Santa and see
his evil form, and they turned back around and use
the tarmac to take flight. Bernie holds on for dear
life through the hole in the roof. Through the hole
in the roof, we see Agent Gimble gain consciousness right
in time to see the sleigh fly by. In shock,
Gimbal grabs his cell phone and dials.
Mommy about Santa. You were right. I'm so sorry.
Exterior rooftop, Orphanage, Indiana. Later that night, the sleigh lands
atop the roof with a thud. Bernie opens the gate door,
falls to her knees and vomits. Santa grabs the list
in presents before marching to the chimney like a possessed zombie.
WHOA, WHOA, whoa big guy. You can't go in there
like that.
Santa tilts his head like a confused dog.
You will scare the shit out of the children. They're orphans.
They've been through enough.
Santa turns to the reindeer and growls.
Donner growls back, Yeah, okay, case in point, I'll fill in.
How do I?
Bernie gestures to the chimney. Santa takes off his hat
and hands it to her.
You're gonna be good up here, okay, watched for greeks?
Is that a hanka thing? You know what? No time.
Bernie looks down the chimney, Santa, annoyed by her hemming
and hawing, pushes his magical belt button, and once again,
Bernie is sucked down the chimney. Interior Indiana, Orphanage. Moments later,
Bernie lands on our tukas OUs. Bernie sees children asleep
in their beds. There's a Christmas tree in the corner,
and Bernie tiptoes towards it. She suddenly stops in her
tracks when she sees Santa's face staring back at her.
What are you doing here?
Santa is mimicking her every move. Bernie realizes that she
is looking at her own reflection in a mirror. She
moves around to play with her Santa twin. She takes
off the hat and becomes Bernie again. She puts it off,
Santa cool. Bernie continues her journey to the tree. She
puts the sack down and reaches in. Her presents fly
up automatically, knowing which one is right for the location.
As Bernie checks names on the gift tags, the lists
checked twice. Box gets magically filled.
Pazy peasy.
Bernie turns around to head up the chimney and a
shock to find all of the children awaken staring at her. Hello,
orphans beat until.
Way, did you bring chocoless?
Write the hat?
Ho, It's me Santa Claus, Merry Christmas, parentless children.
A child Demetrius grins ear to ear as he looks
up at Santa.
I knew he was black.
We see Santa from Demetrius's POV. He's right, Santa's black.
Bernie is confused, so is Cassandra, a little girl wearing
glasses and a long dressing gown.
What are you talking about? Santa's clearly a woman.
Bernie looks down at herself, nervous. They are seeing the
real her. From Cassandra's POV, we see a female Santa
who looks like Betty White.
Oh, Santa's a centaur, look at his hooves.
Sannah's my mom, did you see it?
The kids argue over what Santa looks like. Bernie thinks
for a moment and smiles. She bends down to give
a speech.
I think Santa might appear different to everyone.
What Santa looks like depends on how you see him.
From one child's POV, Santa becomes a Cuban.
Woman okomaa ves or how you see Okoma la vase
or how you see them.
That's the magic of Kinnaka Christmas, Christmas, that's the magic
of Christmas.
It's beautiful.
Yes it is, little one. Now I got a jet,
I've got more presence to deliver, and a slate a
DD cool.
Bernie stands and starts backing up towards the chimney.
Merry Christmas to all and to all sleep good.
Bernie notices a reflection of the perfect Coca Cola Claus
in the mirror.
Of course, you see Coca Cola Claus. You're basic, Bernie.
She is sucked up through the chimney exterior rooftop orphanage.
Moments later, Bernie shoots out of the chimney and this
time lands in a squat, her butt touching the snow better.
Santa jumps around to face Bernie, dukes up. He wields
a sharp and candy ain like a shive.
Santa, stop, it's just me put the cane down. That
wasn't the one up your butt?
Right?
Donner leans over and chomps on the butt cane. Bernie
throws the sack into the sleigh.
Well, that was surprisingly chill, like, I freaking nailed that
on the first go. I don't know what your elves
were quacking about, because I got this shit down.
Bernie hops into the sleigh.
What do you say, mel Gibson? Santa, are you ready
to crush Christmas?
Melos on the naughty list for good reason?
Get in sugar tips.
Sata gets in the sleigh and they take flight. Bernie
screams fill the night exterior night sky, Midwest montage and
upbeat Christmas song slaps as we see in record speed
the sleighs soaring from house to house. Insert shots of
the list. Multiple names get checked off in between flights,
weather shots of flurries and drizzles, clear night skies, and
shooting stars as they fly over the map of the Midwest.
Roofshots of Bernie repeatedly pulling Santa back from ledges as
he tries to fight anyone passing by. Belt shots of
Santa pushing his belt buckle over and over. Shoot shots
of Bernie entering and exiting multiple chimneys. The last shoot
lands Bernie inside of an interior middle class house, Texas.
Later that night, the song fades as Bernie enters a
dark living room. She heads to the tree. Suddenly, a
string is pulled and a light illuminates a little girl, Jeanie,
sitting on the couch. Bernie startles, falling backwards into the tree.
She catches her breath.
Uh, don't do that, assistance needed.
No, everything's fine, don't come down.
The little girl stares blankly at Santa from her POV.
Santa looks like our traditional Coca Cola claus.
You know you're not supposed to be awake, One of
the songs says, so go to bed, goodnight.
The little girl doesn't move. Bernie tries to finish delivering
press but can't.
What are you just gonna watch me?
Jeannie Smith I've been waiting for you all night.
That's not creepy, Geenie. Okay, well here I am go
to bed so I can do the thing.
Remember when we talked at the mall.
Bernie uncomfortably nods.
Yes, I asked for an lo lol doll.
Bernie puts her hand in the sack and a present
shoots up. She checks the list.
Yep, got an AX the prize for your parents. Good night.
Bernie heads back towards the chimney.
Wait, I want to exchange it. I don't think it
works that way, kid. I mean it could, but I
don't know how. I don't know if we do receipts.
But your parents probably could exchange it. They'll figure it out.
My parents are getting a divorce, and instead of an
lol doll, I want them to stay together.
Oh that is sad info.
The little girl blinks up at Bernie with innocence.
I don't know how I'm supposed to handle this.
Bernie thinks and decides to take a seat on the couch.
Without prompt Jeanie immediately jumps on her lap.
Not what I whatever, It's fine, Jeanie. Let me ask
you something. Do your parents get along?
No? They've been fighting a lot. Do they seem like
they're happy together?
Geenie thinks, and then sadly shakes her head.
No, Then why do you want them to stay together?
I don't want things to change.
Why things sound like they suck here right now?
Besides, divorce can be dope it care Yeah, two houses,
two christmases. Sometimes they'll fight over you and try to
buy your love, which can be hell of fun. Maybe
you'll re marry and you'll get step siblings or half siblings.
You an only child, Yeah, I hate it, So the
opportunities sound fruitful.
Look, I know this sucks like even though it has
nothing to do with you, it affects you.
Unfair.
But there's another really good thing about divorce that I
didn't mention, the best part.
Jeanie looks up, hopeful.
Your parents got a shot at being happy. You want that, right, Yeah,
if they're happy, you'll be happy.
Probably.
I can't see the future, but I do know just
judging from what's under the tree and the weird mall photos.
Bernie gestures to photos of Jeanie and her parents lying
atop each other in denim.
It's clear that your parents love you big time. A
divorce won't change that, So what do you say?
Bernie holds up the y Lol doll. Jeanie smiles and
grabs the doll, holding it to her chest lovingly. Bernie
stands up and Jeanie falls off her lap.
Hard el, Merry Christmas, Jeanie, It's gonna be okay, Sienna,
I love you.
Bernie holds in a big cry who She heads up
the chimneys on the mantle. We focus in on an
elf on the shelf. The eyes glow green, and the
head turns to follow Bernie's ascent exterior Los Angeles sky.
Later that night, Bernie and Santa are sailing through the smog,
and when it clears, Bernie gets a closer look at
the temperature. It's eighty five degrees.
Good lord, I'm shitzing.
Bernie takes off the Santa hat and glances at still angry,
red eyed Santa.
How do you not.
Sweat your silver balls off south of the equator?
Angry Santa turns a dial and they are blasted with
ac They suddenly land a top of exterior lit loft
TikTok house continuous. The house is a McMansion. Bernie hops
out of the sleigh in the front seat. Bernie's phone,
filled with mistexts from Eve, glows with a FaceTime call.
Bernie tries to hit ignore, but accidentally picks up intercut
with interior Eve's apartment, saying Eve is in Christmas Jammi's
on her bed. She erupts with worry.
Bernie, I have been blowing you up all nice. You
got arrested? Were you?
I can't talk right now.
Why is that George R R Martin?
Motherfucker? Isn't it? Are you a long story? Okay, I'll
explain later. Eve, I gotta go.
Bernie hangs up on Eve, ending the intercut.
That'll be fun to deal with later, okay, Royd Sanna.
According to the list, we only have West Coast best
Coast left, So since you're stuck in the range miracle,
I'll continue being a hero and go deliver Christmas too.
Bernie checks the list.
The lit loft TikTok houses, holiday.
Parties, que interior lit loft. Later, Bernie creeps around a
dimly lit living room. Every square inch is instagrammable. There
are Neon signed retro arcade machines and cotton candy dispensers. Bernie,
here's the party happening outside, but for now she's alone.
She spots a Christmas tree in the corner. Bingo, Bernie
drags the sack over. She opens the list.
And reads Mikayla Bell.
Bernie sticks her hand in the sack and a gift flies.
Up at home lips Welcome to Los Angeles.
Another gift flies to Bernie.
David Grimm, you got insta bopped gain ten times your
followers in minutes Jesus.
Bernie unpacks more and more gifts until Bernie looks up. Startled,
is she caught? There's no one around. If they're not
talking about her, well, who must they be talking about?
Fuck?
Bernie sets down the sack and heads towards exterior litlock backyard.
Moments later, Bernie takes in a laser lit trendy jen
Z Christmas party. Handfuls of adult looking teens TikTok danced
to the beats at DJ Mann's the stage, and sexy
elf dressed cater waiters hand out best of cocktail's. Bernie
spots angry Santa holding the hat Bernie left behind. Bernie
realizes she is not protected by her Santa identity and
is standing in the middle of a party in her
Jewey pj's. She looks like a jew gy nark. Bernie
passes through, overheard in La Convos on her way to Santa.
I just invested in this new crypto. I'm gonna drip in.
Oh those candy brod.
A stress assistant approaches angry Santa.
Your nate, I told your regency ten pm.
I forget by it. Look you glorified extra. You need
to deliver so that by ball.
The assistant points to a literal eleven year old with
rainbow hair.
Doesn't canny on Christmas give bags behind the booth.
The assistant shoves Santa onto the stage. The DJ stops
the music. All eyes turned to Santa.
Not good.
The Maccabee miracle has given Santa terminator vision. We cut
into his POV as he scans the crowd for Bernie.
He spots her right as an eBoy douche slithers up,
shooting a shot. He immediately gives Bernie the.
Ick sub girl, you hear solo, no, thank you, okay,
I toget I see you, but you'll find my rizzars persuasive.
The e boy douche puts his arm around an uninterested Bernie.
Dude, I said no.
The douche isn't listening to Bernie and continues to invade
her space. Santa's terminator vision flashes with threat detected and
his hands ball into fists. Santa leaps off the stage.
Everyone gasps in fear as Santa slobo flies towards e
boy douche. As he sails through the air, Santa's eyes
suddenly shoot open Smash zoom into Santa's eye bowl. We
enter and see a blonde head slowly rotating wearing a
Christmas cracker crowd. As the head spins, the hair turns brunette.
A bald patch forms in the center of the head.
A Yamuka slaps down over the bald spot. A Minora's
fourth candle gets lit, and Benjamin's floating head appears. Miracle four.
You're manure beds get lem.
We zoom out of Santa's eyes and find him behind
the DJ booth. He grabs the mic let's get.
Air hos.
Santa drops a fat feet The crowd erupts with uniform
party vibes. Santa grabs a champagne bottle from a nearby
server and showers the crowd. He's underage kids love.
It, and there's Miracle four.
Bernie fights through bumping and grinding to meet Santa, just
in time for him to jump off the stage and CrowdSurf.
Away Santa over here.
Bernie tries to follow Santa, but gets danced in the
opposite direction. She gets booty pop by a juicy Caboosi
and falls to the ground, where she spots boots with
the fur. As Bernie army rolls towards the boots, a
lacy thong lands atop her head. Bernie peels the undies
off and there's pinka. Suddenly, a white glove hand reaches
down and hoists Bernie to her feet.
Bernie, you lit, you haven't fun, You're charged.
Let's go.
Santa fist pumps.
What the hell, dude, you were supposed to keep a
lookout on the roof.
You forgot the hat.
Who's watching the caribou by check?
You seem stress? Oh I know what you need? Shots?
Shot shot, shot, shot shots shots.
Never thought i'd miss Hulk Santa.
Bernie grabs Santa's hand and drags him towards the exit,
but he doesn't budge.
We have to go.
We still have like three states and a smidge of
West Canada to deliver Christmas to come on, we're running
out of time.
Time burn a doodle, I'm father dive. Check your watch.
Bernie looks at her phone. One am.
That's weird. It's been one am for like twenty minutes.
When the sleigh's not in flight, time slows down the night.
Santa fodins. Bernie grabs it out of his hands.
Stop that. Okay, so it's one am. As long as
we're here, you give her take.
Bernie pauses, thinking.
I mean, in that case, let's party.
As Bernie and Santa slap five cute pursuit of happiness
or whatever this podcast can afford. Epic party montage, Bernie
takes a shot. Dance break, Bernie and Santa throw gifts
back into the crowd. Dance break, Santa whispers into Jake
Paul's ear and his life is forever changed by the
magical secret Santa bistowed dance break. The debauchery is cut
short when Bernie notices a man in a janky Santa
suit enter angrily and spot the real Santa.
Time's up, Euphorias, Santa. Party's over.
Oh they haven't even played my request yet.
When Bernie sees hired Santa and the stressed assistant approaching.
She has to think fast.
We're going to another party. This was tired what?
Bernie ignores? Santa is protesting and lifts his belt buckle.
The e boy douche misread what's happening?
Hell yeah, I'm next.
The e boy Douche eagerly unbuckles his belt. As Bernie
pushes Santa's button, she junk punches E boy before Hey,
e boy, I need that reaction. You're getting punched.
Yeah, oh okay.
Bernie and Santa fly towards the roof. Everyone stares in
shock at the magic that just happened, before erupting into cheers.
Best party trick ever.
Hired Santa throws his hat on the ground in frustration.
How am I supposed to follow?
That?
Exterior night sky West Coast. Later, Santa and Bernie soar
through translucent clouds past the yellow moon. The sleigh bumps
with a little turbulence.
Oh, I love it when it does that.
Santa sees Bernie white knuckling the side of the Oh.
Come on, don't tell me you're still not used to it.
I don't think that us mere mortals could ever get
used to flying in a sleigh led by fancy Moose.
But at least I stopped barfing.
I actually think I'm doing pretty well considering my crippling
fear of flying.
So great good times come on.
Santa claps over his head repeatedly as he sings.
Look what I learned at the party.
Santa does the sleigh rye TikTok dance. Bernie can't help, but.
You know not that I pictured what it would be
like to hang out with Santa.
But if I did, it wouldn't have been this.
What would it have been like twenty four to seven?
Rave on, less glow sticks, more judgment. Maybe usually old
people are kind of critical, but you're like the oldest
dude in history and not once have you tried to
teach me a lesson, And this time I kind of
deserved it. I mean, I full on drugged and said
my kid, after.
You you did party fall.
Hey Franti, Hey frant Santa, can you cool it. I'm
trying to say thank you. It's been a minute since
anyone's believed in me, and it feels really good you
trusting me to take the lead.
It just means a lot. So thanks.
Oh you're a sick double D Bernie, and I'm having
a great time.
Doesn't need a dry.
Oh, dear God, you're always thinking to it.
I thought we were talking brass eyes.
You're a sick d D Bernie and I'm having a
great time.
Good. I'm glad they't crazy miracles or whatever Benjamin has
you going through. They really haven't been that crazy, okay,
Agro Santa was hardcore.
But so far zing Santa's eyes spring open, we enter
and land on the night before Christmas. The book morphs
into a torah that aggressively rolls up. I'm an where
his fifth candle gets lit and Benjamin's floating head appears.
Miracle five. Yes you can tour? Yeha did?
Yes you can to Yes you can tour Miracle.
Five, Yes you can do.
I'm experiencing so much sodden for him.
We zoom out of Santa's eye. Bernie continues her speech,
not realizing anything's happened.
And yes, Fried Santa was hard to maneuver, but honestly
he was a good listener, you know.
Bernie notices Santa's quiet, too quiet. In the silence, sleigh
bells begin to jingle, jangle and rhythm Bernie knows something's up.
What's happening?
Qu original song?
Wait?
What's happened?
Magically? Music swells accompanying Santa song. Bernie looks around for
the source. The radio song so.
Much brighter, And it's all because of you?
No, wait, are you talking about me?
I roasted all the chestnuts, killed all the Christmas pease,
but it's been so monotoning. World peaks suddenly threw your
eyes a brand new view. Who knew christmast needed a juice?
Ish?
We preferred to ish, but I didn't. I get what's
going on here? Your next miracle is to be all
gar Broth and sing.
I've whistled all the carols that could ever happened.
Sung.
The chimneys I've been sliding down have been black one.
Wait what I've been sliding down? Chimney's all friggin night.
Look, I no longer have the soot.
Who knew Christmas needed a jew?
Ernie swing the arms out in musical theater Majesty and
Unaware knocks the sleighs lever to autopilot.
Correct.
I've spent every Christmas eating Chinese food alone.
The dark house on the block.
That's what they used to call my home. But with you,
I think I finally got my shot. Christmas needed a
jew who knew what June native?
Christmas?
Okay, sorry, I don't have like a magical week even
song gift.
I can't like improvise rhymes on the fly.
That's all right. I'll bring all the jolly.
And I'll bring all the white of their perfectly this Hebrew.
And this guy you lit my mule tie bag again.
It's burning bright.
The slave is not the only thing that's.
Hill than a holly jolly. Yes, it's true.
Who knew Christmas Chrism?
The reindeer harmonized blooms needed?
Uh you.
The song ends with Bernie and Santa in a hug,
best friends who are now touched down in the middle
of nowhere. Exterior middle of nowhere, daylight, nothing but ice
and glaciers as far as the eye can see. Bernie
looks around, confused by her surroundings and the sunlight.
This doesn't look like Oregon. Do they not have night
during winter?
Bernie gets out of the sleigh and wanders. As she
inspects her surroundings. She doesn't notice the sleigh with Santa
in it moving through a portal before it slowly disappears.
Santa, where exactly are we?
Bernie turns around and realizes she's completely alone?
Song, Santa, where are you hello?
Bernie walks in one direction.
Robert Streisanta. This isn't funny.
She turns around and walks in another direction.
Is this a hide seek miracle? Because I hate it?
She picks up speed. She runs in every direction or
where to turn. She trips and falls to her knees,
the severity of the situation taking over.
This is how I perish.
Defeated. Bernie drops her head into her hands. The tip
of her forehead grazes the porter. Bernie falls backwards.
What was that?
She peels herself up curiously. Bernie stretches her hand out
and slowly reaches a weird ripple in the air. When
she pushes her hand through the ripple, it disappears.
This is some Alex macshit.
Bernie lets her body follow through the ripple and enters
the looking glass. She emerges inside of interior exterior, the
real North Pole continuous. Bernie looks behind her in the
icy field she came from.
Gone.
Panicked, Bernie checks to make sure her whole bod made
it through in one piece. Her bod's there, but it's
decked out in Dutch Christmas attire. Bernie Gold has gotten
a merry makeover.
Ooh, Bubby be rolling in her grave.
Bernie takes in the stupendous North Pole. It has cobblestone
roads made of gingerbread and snow capped crooked roofs. Bernie
in clogs awkwardly shuffles down the street. She passes by
a tavern serving hot chocolate on tap. There's a farmer's
market with candy cane tastings of fruitcake. Bakeri's automatic machines
spits out everyone's least favorite sticky cake. Bernie lands in
the town square and runs directly into Sotnik, the head Elf.
He is surrounded by his brethren, whose names also mean
Elf in different languages. Bernie Gold Bernie looks down to
the cgi Elves think Elf on the shelf, but run
through AI that has given them extra fingers and teeth.
Jesus, this is how I envision elves.
Another Elf. Alfred leans out from Sotnik.
Now this is just what we look like.
You guys are cute and not at all creepy.
Bernie CASPs terrifying Stnik gets down to business.
What in the fiery no weel did you do to Santa?
Sotnik points at Santa, who was humming and swinging around
a liquor slamppost.
Okay, so don't freak out. I've had it totally under control.
It's actually kind of a funny story if you think
of head. Knock it off and get to the goody
goodye gum draft. Okay, Okay, Santa came to my house.
Another elf, Alpha jumps atop Alpha's shoulders.
Why you're Jewish.
I'm Jewish and it was a mistake, something about not
checking his list twice.
The elves gasp and mutter in turn.
Okay, I had made some cookies and he thought they
were for him, and he ate one.
The elves blink back at Bernie in confusion. A Roto
slides under Sotnik's legs.
So what's the big deal?
Santah loves fresh bakerley Louie ta to cookies.
The elves all agree, nodding at each other and murmuring.
Oh, this was less ooey gooey and more sticky icky.
The elves are confused.
It what anile a lot unedible?
You know, the chronic cannabis, pot weed, a marijuana he
ate marijuana.
The elves take a large beat, and then.
Santa can't do drugs any mind altering a licks or
is heightened by the magic that flows through.
His melviny veins. Remember the buttered rum incident.
The elves lose their shit once again.
You are pressing for no reason. Santa may be a little.
She looks over at Santa, who was doing the Tavia
dance out of it.
But luckily I am an expert in babysitting stoners. I
mean not to toot my own horm but I've been
delivering Christmas without a hitch. I stepped up, took the
literal reins, and haven't missed.
One kid along the way.
So we could sit here freaking out over a little
hang up and point fingers at whose fault this is years, or.
You could just let me finish saving Christmas. What do
you say saving Christmas? What are you some sort of
little dummer boy.
Christmas is ruined because of you, and now thanks to
you're missing the points set a speech.
We're running out of time to fix it. What are
you talking about?
We have plenty of time when the sleigh is not
in flight time slows down the night we're not in.
Flight times to Bernie trails off when she looks at
her phone and sees time passing normally.
Why has some time stopped?
We're in a different Jesus, we're in a different time.
Z out er here.
It's already Christmas and the magic only works on that's.
Top secret, Santa. We don't have time to explain everything
to you. Alpher proto grab Santa and get him on.
King wincelslost.
The two elves take off, hopping on their hands and
cartwheeling to grab Santa.
I already tried to sober him up. You're just wasting
more time.
You're the one wasting our tiny tim time. Bernie, go
stop my full name. If you would have just gotten
Santa here in the frost place, then he would have
been right as reindeer already. When the Pacific Northwest doesn't
get their presence, they can thank you.
Hasotnik and Bernie argue, we see Santa of avls via breakdowns.
You couldn't even save your own holiday. Why would you
ever think you could save ours?
Okay, now I get it? What do you get? There?
It is there?
What is you're not letting me save Christmas because I'm
Jewish and you're a prejudiced little shit.
No I'm not.
You're putting words in my missile mouth care affect.
You're a chosen one because we didn't choose you.
You're on the natty list because I'm a Jew because
you drugged Santa.
Bernie and Satnik are nose to nose through their profile.
We see Santa suddenly freeze mid Havnigila. Santa's eyes spring open.
We enter as a sea of red holly berries turned
beige and soften into soggy matza balls. A Menora's six
candle gets lit, and Benjamin's floating head appears.
Miracle six, put some jelly in your belly because you're
about to have some soup.
Come yup, men jeez.
We zoom out of Santa's eyes as he falls to
the ground. The elves look at him with concern.
Santa, are you Saint sick?
Santa sniff's the gingerbread cobblestone before taking a giant bite.
Good read Santa the ground.
The huge pile of reindeer poop Ruves's point. Suddenly, Santa
makes a mad dash towards the shop.
Sana, Where are you going?
Santa runs into interior Coco's tavern continuous. He slide dives
across the counter and hits each TAP's lever. He streams
steaming hot chocolate into his mouth.
Oh.
He recovers from the burn and immediately goes from her.
The elves are in shock. They talk into a walkie.
We need reinforcements.
Exterior town Square. Moments later, Herod's call rings over the loudspeakers.
All elves rush after Santa. Bernie is left alone. She
calls out after them.
Hey, wait, want to know what's happening with Santa?
Oh? Just another Hanaka themed weed miracle? What are those?
That's not important? You don't need my help, right, You've
got everything under control.
Bernie's phone vibrates with a text from I have service here.
We're being released in a couple of hours. Final warning
to clean I'm really hoping for once you finish something
you started.
Bernie sees the sleigh in a nearby barn and looks
from the sleigh to the text.
Couldn't agree more. This ain't over.
Bernie takes off towards the sleigh. Exterior north Pole time
jumps sneaky music plays as Santa and Bernie, and vignettes
creep about, both trying to dodge the elves. On a
roof Santa eats gum drop shingles the elves bottom up
on the rooftop get in on the ground. The elves
run past letters to santa mailbox. With the coast clear,
Bernie peeps out from the slot. Her feet shoot out
of the bottom as she tiptoes towards the barn, bringing
the mailbox with her. In a toy shop, two elves
on their work break snack on M and M's, not
noticing a white gloved hand sneakily partaking in their snack
when they grab Santa's hand instead of their treat, He's
in here. In the town square, the elves chase Santa
towards the clock tower, not seeing Bernie dive rolling into
the barn. Ending the vignettes, Bernie is beckoned by the
shiny red sleigh. She approaches and pats the reindeer.
Coeasy any guys.
Bernie climbs into the sleigh, flips off autopilot, and takes
a deep breath.
Okay, you can do this same thing as before, except
no magical being to protect you. If you die.
Bernie doesn't notice Santa's approach. He's eyeing the reindeer feed
and chomps a dangling carrot one bite at a time
until it lands him in the sleigh bed. Dasher glares
at Santa for eating his carrot. The elves continue their
hunt from a distance.
I think he went in the barn. Here goes nothing.
Bernie whips the reins and the reindeer lunged forward charging.
The sleigh glides out of the barn on the North
Pole runway. The elves by Bernie about to take off.
Bernie turns around to find her Santa stowaway Santa. He
smiles up at her teeth covered in chocolate. The elves
are gaining on them, flipping tumbling, using each other as
springboards to catch up. The sleigh tips back. Sotnik jumps
into the air, reaching for the rail in slow motions.
Sottnik's fingertips graze the sleigh as it takes off. The
sleigh exits the magical force field of the North Pole
and leaves the elves in its dust. End of Episode two,