127. Can we be too self aware?

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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in the world, it is great to have you here. Back for another episode, Back for another topic. Today, I think we're going to tackle a very important question in the self help space, one that I think has been coming up a lot more but is also the source of a lot of criticism. And the question is is it possible to be too self aware? I have been thinking about this personally for a while, particularly as someone who has a lot to do obviously with the self help and the mental health space, and I really do love it. I have no complaints. It is the thing I love most in the world. But the one thing that I do sometimes find really draining is this tendency and sometimes this need to be constantly assessing and analyzing my own emotions and contemplating all the psychological and internal explanations for my behavior, you know, week after week. And I think at times that has left me quite mentally burnt out and perhaps thinking that maybe as humans we are not meant to be constantly thinking about how we feel who we are wile others perceive us. And yet I think our increasing acknowledgment of our emotions and our mental state is so beneficial. It's done wonders for how we treat ourselves. We are so much more gentle and kind to ourselves these days, and very much aware of the people we are, of who we are becoming. But at what point is that self reflection and contemplation too much? At what point can that become even harmful to some extent? So that is really what I want to discuss today, That's what I want to dive into. Let's start at the basics, though, What exactly is self awareness and why is it such I guess a celebrated trait and our idea in our society, something that I would say a lot of us who consume self help content are striving towards self awareness from a very bird's eye view, is essentially our ability to understand ourselves and align our emotions, our thoughts, actions, desires, beliefs, and values align them all together. It's almost about having an objective view of who we are, why we are that way, and how we want our future selves to be. You know, for example, it's about understanding what maybe you are and you are not good at, or how you act in front of certain people, Recognizing when something upsets you and why that might be, Knowing what motivates you, knowing why you think a certain way, all of these things, all of these qualities of being someone who has higher self awareness are really healthy, and they're really positive. I think it means that we are not left feeling confused about our behavior or alienated from ourselves, because we feel very aligned and very stable in who we are. I think there's also this very deep belief in our society that by understanding ourselves we can live a better and more meaningful life. And I do think that that is quite true, because I don't think there is anyone who is going to stand up and say that self awareness isn't something that is incredibly positive. And that's because scientifically, psychologically it does have so many benefits. There's been a lot of research on this, especially in recent years and in positive and organizational psychology, and according to the Harvard Business Review, most of it, the majority of it suggests that when we see ourselves clearly, we are more confident, we are more creative, we make better decisions, we build stronger relationships, and we communicate more effectively. We're also less likely to do things that are seen as maybe immoral and legal or counterproductive or antisocial, so things like lying, cheating, stealing, and I guess we also just feel generally more content because it's in this psychological state whereby our self is the focus of our intention that we can really dig into things that are bothering us, and we can look critically at our lives and our surroundings for solutions. And that self awareness, that thing that we all really want, we all really are striving for. It's really something that we start to developing quite early on, at around eighteen months or so. That is when we first see signs of self awareness. We're able to identify ourselves in a mirror, and then by four to five we develop self consciousness and we're aware of the idea that we can be perceived by others and that we in turn can perceive them. I think that development is both a blessing and a curse in many ways, as we'll discuss later, Because although that is normally the time when we begin to really behave within social convention, we start to see that our actions have cause and effect. It's also at this stage where we begin to experience things like shame and embarrassment, and if that is left unchecked, that can create a lot of insecurities that stay with us into adulthood. The other important thing to know about self awareness is also that it can be divided into two distinct types or versions. We have our public self awareness, also known as external self awareness, and then our private or internal self awareness. So public self awareness, as the name kind of suggests, it typically emerges in situations where we are around other people and we want to appear socially desirable and we want to be accepted. It's the part of us that worries what other people think, and it's sometimes very very hypervigilant towards social cues that other people might be putting out that maybe they don't like us, or that we're behaving strangely, or that we need to be doing a certain thing to fit in. Then we have our private self awareness, which is basically kind of what we've been talking about so far. It's where we are aware of something about ourselves, maybe our feelings or our attitudes, our cognitions, and the manner that is quite private that people from the outside can't really judge or get into. It's really our ability to introspect. It's our ability to put ourselves in front of an internal mirror. But interestingly, it's actually a combination of public and private self awareness that seems to give us the greatest level of self consciousness. And not self consciousness in the sense that you feel insecure, but self consciousness in that you know yourself and you know yourself well. I'm going to say this, I think with most things that we talk about on this podcast. In psychology, in general, self awareness is a spectrum. It exists on a spectrum. There are some people who can give you a very logical reason for their every action. They understand exactly how they tick, what motivates them, why they behave the way they do, all of their flaws. They pathologize, they intellectualize everything. And then on the other end is this other category of people who do things really without having a reason or an explanation. They can't really explain why they feel a certain way, or why they do something a certain way, or who they kind of truly are at their core people who lack self awareness. They also typically are pretty low in empathy as well, and that's not always the case, but I do think that there is this group of people who we kind of observe in public who just seem completely unaware that other people exist. And I saw this TikTok the other day that I thought really represented this, and it was this girl kind of holding up a line of I would say twenty or thirty people, and she was taking a photo at an art gallery, and she just seemed so unaware that there were all of these other people who were waiting in the line behind her for ten, fifteen, twenty minutes. That is the kind of individual that we're looking at here when we're talking about specifically low public awareness, but it also links to low private awareness as well. And the reason people like this exist is because they are so unaware of their own emotions and feelings what might make them feel annoyed or frustrated or angry, that they are unable to really see how their own behavior might create similar feelings within others. For people who possess minimal self awareness, honestly, sometimes I think it would be nice to never have to think about how other people see you, to have fewer insecurities based on your public image, or to not have to identify every emotion but just feel it. But also these individuals, I think you know, it's a balance, and often they struggle in other ways. They have more personal conflict because they are not aware of the people's emotional states. They make poor choices, they often have trouble self correcting or accepting responsibility, but perhaps most crucially, their emotions somewhat control them. I want to shift to the other end of the spectrum now and really dig into that primary question that we have for today. Is it possible to be too self aware? I think the answer is already pretty clear, But yes, I really do think it's possible to be almost too conscious of what we're feeling, to the point of encountering some pretty counterproductive tendencies like perfectionism, overthinking, in decisiveness, intense self consciousness, even loneliness to some extent. It's also this strange paradox whereby the more we attempt to know ourselves, the more we can start to feel detached because our actions and emotions they know no longer really feel like they're coming from us, but from some outside external force that we're watching and observing. Some people argue that at this point we're kind of no longer actually experiencing self awareness, but self evaluation or self obsession. However, I do think that it's different, right. I think that the primary goal that results in us getting to this point is wanting to know ourselves better. But then it does start to almost look like self obsession because we can no longer control how much we are reflecting and introspecting. So if you're someone who really doesn't remember the last time you felt like there wasn't something you needed to work on or improve about yourself, or who ruminates on every social interaction, maybe you have gotten to the point of rationalizing every emotional response, or really considering every word you say to others or every slight gesture. I think that's a sign that your efforts to know yourself better are actually separating you more from your authentic self that they may have become, as it would say in psychology, maladaptive. The crucial point to make is that too much of a good thing can still be harmful, and I think we see that here. We see that in this circumstance I think also we kind of fall into this trap when this is our pattern of thought, when we are becoming consumed with analyzing rather than feeling our emotions or looking for answers or really trying to problem solve every single thing that we're feeling. Firstly, we're kind of faced with a lot of chronic indecisiveness, but also the inability to focus on our responsibilities, not actually feeling like we know who we are, and a failure to really see the bigger picture, which at times is going to create social anxiety. Like we said before, it's going to make it harder to make decisions, but also that self absorbed And like I said before, I don't necessarily think that is the case, because a lot of the time when we overthink or overanalyze, we're actually worried more about the reactions or feelings of others. But when we spend too much time in our own thoughts, sometimes it can be hard to get the perspective you need to make the right decisions, the perspective that you know, maybe not everyone really cares all that much, and that you're doing or making choices for people who don't matter because you are too a self aware be self conscious, and I think it's kind of like this spectrum of load to high awareness in which it's shaped like a horseshoe. So being at either end of the extreme kind of results in the same outcomes here, So having too little self awareness and too much self awareness is going to result in the same thing, whereby we let our emotions control us or our thoughts control us more than they probably should. The other major sign of someone who is perhaps bordering on being a little bit too self aware is that need to intellectualize or rationalize everything that they are feeling. And although I think that might feel like we're working through our emotions or problem solving, when we find ourselves intellectualizing every experience or feeling like we have to understand everything that we're going through, we're actually separating ourselves from our emotions by putting up this barrier between us and the actual feeling. So an example I like to think of is heartbreak. We've all been heartbroken, We've all had our hearts absolutely shattered, and when we go through something like a breakup or a betrayal, or just the natural end of a long, meaningful relationship, we are going to feel a really intense range of human emotions. Heartbreak is such a profound experience, one that really cuts us deeply and causes a lot of real pain, and our instinct as humans as animals is to avoid pain at any cost, not just physical but mental as well. So one way of doing that is by overrationalizing every little twinge and moment of sadness, by saying, you know, okay, the reason I'm feeling sad right now is because of X, Y and Z. I felt bonded to this person. It's because of the biological addiction to the neurotransmitters that they released in my brain. And I know that that's going to wear off, and I know that the only reason I'm feeling sad is because I'm feeling lonely for some people. That might make you feel better, right, But there's something really crucial missing here, and that is that at no point are you actually feeling that emotion. You are intellectualizing it almost as a subconscious form of avoidance. Of emotional avoidance and intellectualization. It does come from a place a very deep self awareness, but it's also important to recognize that, like I said before, it is a defense mechanism. At the end of the day, by which we use reasoning to prevent us from having to confront uncomfortable emotions, and some studies, including one conducted back in twenty twelve one in twenty fourteen, they suggested that this act of intellectualizing our problems, our emotions, our feelings that can be just as harmful as completely ignoring uncomfortable emotions altogether. I think that it can also make it really hard to live in the moment. And whilst I do sometimes think that living in the moment is a little bit overrated and let's face it, very difficult if you're someone who is anxious, there is an important point to be made that when we spend too much time in our own minds, and we get stuck in our own heads and thoughts, self refine introspecting, you're not going to be able to enjoy the present moment as much. And I'm sure many of us, if you're listening to this episode, have found ourselves staring at a wall or completely blanking in a conversation because we are too absorbed in trying to think over our emotions or our actions, or some experience or what we're going to do next. That can be really alienating and isolating, but it also reduces not only our enjoyment of life, but also our ability to really connect with the person sitting across from us. There's also the additional consequences that arise from extreme public or external self awareness. And I know we've spoken a little bit about social anxiety, but I want to dive into that further. When we have very high public self awareness, often that can make us really charismatic, it can make us really agreeable and friendly, which is all incredible, incredible traits to have. But also we tend to focus more on how other people view us in certain situations than doing what makes us happy or acting in a manner that is aligned with our true selves, our authentic selves, mainly out of this fear of being judged and a heightened acknowledgment of other people's perceptions at the end of the day. So as a result, we tend to stick to group norms. We try to avoid situations in which we might embarrass ourselves or step out of line, and we take less risks, even though, like we said before, it's unlikely that anyone is even noticing. So that external self awareness it can lead to evaluation anxiety, in which we become distressed, anxious, worried about the opinions of others, and put a lot more importance on them, therefore almost becoming quite hyghper, vigilant in social situations, less authentic, enjoying ourselves less and also sometimes even leading to the development of things like a social anxiety disorder. So we have that additional component, that social component, and then sometimes there's a reality that we are not going to have the answers for everything. Some emotions will just emerge spontaneously with no reasons. Sometimes we are irrational creatures and we act in ways that we don't really necessarily need an explanation for. Hyper intellectualizing or rationalizing everything may mean that life actually becomes almost too complex for us to actually enjoy it, and we kind of also become that annoying person at the party, as I have been many times, who really needs to psychoanalyze everything, you know, everything that we're doing, everything that others are doing, rather than just being there, rather than just having fun. It's not going to make you someone's favorite person to hang out with. It's not always actually going to make you happier either. So we've kind of outlined some of the risks some of the ways to discern whether you are perhaps too self aware? So why does this happen? Where does this come from? Why are some of us bordering kind of on the precipice of dangerous territory here? I think it's a really interesting interaction between quite a few things and one of the main culporates. And I know I'll be stabbing myself in the back here, but it's consuming too much self help content, and not just that, but also contradictory self help content. So what I want to discuss next is some of the reasons, the origins explanations for why we have become perhaps too self aware, some of the other arguments that maybe we aren't even at that point yet where we could be gaining more knowledge about ourselves, so much more, all of that and more after this shortbreak, So we're going to explore a few reasons why we can kind of tip over to the extreme of the self awareness spectrum continuum, whatever you would like to call it. Now, I want to make a quick disclaim me here. I am in no ways advocating for you to go and check out all of your self help books that you spent really good money on or to quit therapy or to never examine your feelings. I think that's totally against my ethos and highly unethical to suggest. But what I do want to explore is how can we become more balanced such that we can still have a bit of surprise in our life, live in the moment, and have an authentic human experience without being tied up by our thoughts, and also having that level of self understanding that makes life just that little bit easier. So let's kind of look at where this comes from. The first explanation has to do with overthinking and a higher degree of perfectionism, which is a personality trait. This has also interestingly been linked in numerous studies to a higher IQ. So if you are someone who is highly intelligent, the chances that you are also highly self aware is going to be pretty high. So the hypothesis or the logic kind of follows that people who are more intelligent, they have a greater propensity for self examination and self reflection, which can make them more prone to things like overthinking or the reverse relationship. People with a high IQ spend more time overthinking and therefore naturally have a greater level of self awareness. So it is the overthinking that makes them more intelligent, both in a traditional way but also in an emotional way as well. So overthinking occurs when we repeatedly dwell or worry about the same thing, the same event, the same thought, for an extended period of time. Like, you know, did I say something that was embarrassing? That is a sign of high public self awareness? Or why am I feeling so upset or sad? Why am I not over this by now? That would be a high private self awareness. However, I think the fallacy of overthinking, and as a result this high level of self awareness is that we kind of convince ourselves that thinking about something repeatedly will mean that we are better able to solve the problem, or that we are somehow with all of this mulling over and you know, reflection and introspection, that we're going to find some hidden answer that we hadn't previously considered. We use overthinking almost as a way to self soothe or regulate our emotions, but we also to minimize anxiety in the short term, because overthinking, as we know, gives us what we call an illusion of control. However, it can also be incredibly mentally exhausting and contrary to what we expect. It can call us to fall into a pattern known as analysis paralysis, whereby the more we think about a problem or a situation, the less clear a solution actually becomes. There's also a pretty strong link between self awareness, overthinking, and then perfectionism. So a perfectionism occurs when we set incredibly high standards for ourselves that are at times extremely difficult, almost impossible to meet, and we also feel an accompanying sense of self doubt and shame and also blame when we feel that we cannot meet our own personal expectations. When you are highly self aware, you are often more attune to your failures and the ways in which perhaps your actions may not be aligned with your intentions. And so you set increasingly higher goals and standards for yourself, and then you are constantly reflecting on how to achieve them, and you are highly aware of what happens when you don't. You feel the emotional consequences of that so deeply, because you are not someone who can step away from a hard feeling. You are not someone who can encounter something like failure and not examine the causes, the effects, everything That kind of exists in that ecosystem. I also read this really interesting article whilst I was researching this that explained how people who were only children growing up are also more likely to have that higher propensity to spend a lot of time self examining. And when we think about the logic and context behind this, that makes a lot of sense. First, most only children they didn't have other children around the house to play with and interact with and to create little games together, so they kind of had to become really good at self entertaining and spending a lot of time with their own thoughts. They also probably spend a lot more time around adults their parents, for one, but then also their parents' friends or colleagues, and so they gain a lot of those reasoning skills a lot earlier. They perhaps are quicker to intellectualize, and that makes it more likely that they will apply those cognitive skills not only at an earlier age, but with more frequency because of that alone time, leading to a high degree of self awareness, not just as a child, but then again as an adult. But then there's this final almost cultural societal explanation that I think we really need to discuss. And like I said, for I'm kind of undermining my own authority by discussing this. But I also think it's important because the increasing consumption of self help content I think may actually be causing us to not be as present at times, or to be constantly bombarded about messaging across social media, in our friendships, relationships, even the workplace, that we need to spend a lot more time in our own thoughts and perhaps getting into psychological practices that may not actually be that evidence based or that fruitful, And in many ways that is important, right. Being more in touch with our emotions is important. Having any kind of exposure to clinical work, therapy, psychology, I think that is so valuable, especially in the last few decades. You know, we've seen these enormous strides towards normal not only conversations around mental health and mental illness, but just emotional wellbeing in general, which I think is a huge change from the environment we would have encountered some fifty years ago, where talking about your feelings, examining your behaviors, looking for internal explanations was seen as quite odd, was almost stigmatized or made you the weird person in town. And you know, I grew up and I still live in Australia, and even these days when you travel to some rural or regional areas, there's still this really big taboo around speaking about your feelings. Things like journaling or therapy or mindfulness or meditation. They're just seen as quote unquote and I think completely factually incorrect, but they're seen as weak, They're seen as quite strange. And so we've attempted to really counter this by normalizing how we approach how we're feeling and the when, the where, the why, the how, normalizing understanding yourself better. That, of course, that movement has really trickled and filtered into the fast media that we're consuming. There are hundreds, if not thousands of creators and public figures and social media accounts who have really popularized and tried to make mental health content a lot more accessible. And that is wonderful, But how do we know that what we are kind of consuming is a real or be actually helpful. I think you can kind of find a podcast or an Instagram reel or a TikTok about literally anything you're going through, and someone people like myself, we are going to give you an explanation for exactly why you're feeling a certain way, and whilst I don't want to deny that that is really really useful and valuable, obviously that's why I'm doing it. I see that as really purposeful and important. I think the issue arises at three major times. Firstly, when the advice or the information we're receiving is contradictory, so one person is telling you to do one thing, another person is telling you to do another. Secondly, when it's inaccurate or the information that we're consuming is not exactly scientific. I think that happens all the time, where people are going to try and give you a simple explanation for something that and it's not actually correct, and that can leave us feeling more confused. And then finally, when we can't separate our reality from looking for an internal explanation, This is when we fall into the trap of being too self aware to the point where we really can't escape the tendency to overthink and excessively self examine, and I think worse, if we have been provided with the wrong information, sometimes the conclusion that we're going to reach is incorrect, and that's just going to leave us more stuck, more confused, and in some ways spiraling. Also, I think let's be honest here. It can be incredibly mentally draining to be completely self aware of your existence and your actions and how other people perceive you at all times, and even quite existential to feel like everything you do needs to have a reason or be aligned with some version of yourself. It is a very delicate balancing act. But like I said before, there is something to be said for the occasional moment of ignorance and the opportunity to just be free of your thoughts and enjoy your life for what it is. So how do we go about striking that balance. We do not want to give up our self awareness. We don't want to be someone who is completely unconscious of how we behave or who we are. But also we want to be able to actually enjoy our lives. I think firstly, we have to recognize when we are overthinking or self examining, perhaps excessively, and the reason why that is is the thing that you're thinking about necessary for you to become a better person or to feel more like yourself, or are you just using this as a coping strategy to perhaps actually avoid feeling your emotions and just staying with them until they pass. I think be really conscious of whether the practices that you are partaking in are they actually making you feel better or are they just getting you more and more stuck in a bit of a cycle, less and less connected with who you really are. Secondly, I would say be conscious of the media that you are consuming, whether or not it is actually sound information. That is something that I think is really crucial, because the thing about social media that I think we all kind of implicitly know but not many people really speak on, is that anytime you view something, especially from a content creator, those views are engagement, and engagement is money. So people are trying to get your attention, and sometimes the thing that is most correct, logical, has the most evidence, is not going to be the most popular. So you really have to make sure that what we are looking at, what we are consuming, is factual. I think also sometimes we can become almost like emotional hypochondriacs, where we need to google and examine every little thought to determine whether it's healthy, unhealthy, useful not useful. And honestly, I'm kind of the opinion that every emotion has a purpose. No emotion is inherently bad, it's just what happens when you let that emotion control you. Your emotions are just there to tell you something about how you're feeling. They are not there to be your whole reality, right. They are not always going to be correct, So I think don't let the need for self awareness minimize what you're going through. If you've had a particularly hard week, It's okay to be upset and angry and not need to integrate that right away. In fact, I think it's probably better for you mentally to have an emotional outlet at times that doesn't feel entirely rational. We also know that overthinking and with that excessive self awareness has a very deep relationship and a strong correlation to anxiety. So finding ways to manage your anxiety and your stress it may also allow you to better regulate the amount of time you spend in your own thoughts and not let that time get in the way of other meaningful, important things. One thing I like to do for myself is just give myself twenty minutes every day to feel really worried about something, or to feel anxious about the things that are on my mind. Twenty minutes to just let myself process what's been going on in my life. Potential explanations for my behavior where I feel like I fit in relation to others or in relation to my environment, and in that moment, I'm not suppressing that feeling. I'm not ignoring that feeling. What I'm doing is acknowledging it and recognizing it's part of my life, but also containing it to just one part of my day so that it's manageable. Honestly, I want to say it just one more time here. Self awareness is not a bad thing, and I think it is highly subjective when our level of self awareness has been perhaps become harmful. So please just use this as a guide or even as a thought exercise if nothing else, and come to your own conclusions. Do you actually think it's possible to be too self aware? And if you have a different answer, or if you agree with me, let me know. I would honestly love to hear it. I don't think that there has been enough research into this in the broader psychology space, but I think it's going to be really interesting to see how this trend might develop over time, and how we might see kind of a separation between different groups in society, one group who has had access to this information and who is reaching these higher levels of introspection and self consciousness, and then other people who might not be as accepting of some of these theories and ideas, and how that difference kind of manifests in our lives. So I think it's super interesting. I would love to hear your thoughts. If you don't already follow me on Instagram, it is at that psychology podcast, so follow me over there, shoot me a DM if you have an opinion, and as always, if you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to give it a five star review whatever you are listening. I know that I say this all the time, but it still stands true. I read every single one of your reviews. I read every single one of your dms, and it's really honestly mind blowing. Honestly, how many of you are out there, all the different countries that you're from this community is just insanely cool. So thank you so much for following along and supporting me. I really hope you enjoyed this episode and we will be back next week with another one.