154 | Mastering the Art of Limit-Setting: The Power of the "Pause" in Offering Perfectly Aligned Choices

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.

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Your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered Play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode, we are talking through limit setting round two.

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So before the Jodi Mullen interview,

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I did part one of a limit setting theory into practice episode

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and this is the continuation of that. So part two of two

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for putting limit setting into practice.

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And I mentioned this in the earlier episode, but it's worth repeating.

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I'm seeing more and more and more therapists and clinicians struggling

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to actually use limit setting effectively

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in the moment with kids in sessions.

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And so I noticed that they actually are aware of the skills.

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They actually do know the ACT model,

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they are able to talk through the pieces of limit setting.

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But what is happening is that in the moment

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they're stumbling to effectively articulate those three components,

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they're only using a few but not all of

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them and or they're getting stuck on the choices,

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they're not really understanding what they should

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be reflecting as far as the emotion

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and much more. So

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we're going to talk through why, what I've termed the limit setting pause

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is necessary.

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So what I mean by that is often when we start to set a limit,

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we dive right in to the limit sometimes. So sometimes we jump straight to

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OK, the ball is not for throwing at my head

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because the ball just whizzed by our head, right.

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So we kind of jumped directly to the limit.

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And unfortunately,

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when we do that,

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either we are not doing the appropriate order for the three steps

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or sometimes we even if we use the acknowledgement of

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feeling and the limit and then we move to the choices

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we are missing what's actually going on

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because we're making hasty assumptions.

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We will often assume that a child is doing something for a reason.

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We will assume that a child is feeling a certain way.

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We will assume that

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there's a reason behind the behavior

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and we jump straight into the limit and we do our three steps

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and it's not actually what's going on with the child.

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So when we have that hastiness,

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we lose the why?

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So the limit setting pause

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idea was born

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out of me coaching some

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six figure people and some play therapy pro people.

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You need to give yourself a beat

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to figure out the why.

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In other words, as soon as we feel, OK, we need to set a limit.

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And we understand there are three questions and there are three considerations,

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right?

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And I'm sure you're rehearsing those in your head.

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But for continuity's sake, I'll make sure that we're aware of them.

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So, is this limit necessary,

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can I consistently enforce this limit?

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And if I allow this behavior to continue without setting a limit,

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can I still maintain acceptance of the child?

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We're going to very quickly microseconds process those three considerations.

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If any of those considerations lead us to needing to set a limit,

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it's almost always going to be rooted in.

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I have to be safe. You have to be safe.

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The toys can't be broken on purpose and

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things can't be ruined intentionally in the playroom.

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So those are the kind of two sets of three that we're going to filter through

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in a split second.

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And when we decide, yes, I'm moving forward with the limit.

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The limit setting pause needs to ensue.

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So we give ourselves a beat

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and we determine the why because often we'll say

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you're really angry

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because a child is throwing something

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or

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you're really frustrated at me because they're hitting you with swords.

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But often they're not angry and they're not frustrated

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because the behavior is different than the emotion

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or we might give choices

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that do not map to the original need because we missed the original need.

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The why matters.

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So when we're offering the alternatives,

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we have to make sure that those are mapping to the original desire,

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which maps to

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the why?

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So we need to be careful with our options

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because if we say

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you can choose to hit Bobo or you can choose to hit

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the

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stuffed animals,

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what if their original need wasn't actually to hit anything?

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It wasn't really rooted in aggression at all.

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It was rooted in

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power and control.

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Well,

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we would offer very different alternatives and choices if we understood

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that it was a power issue instead of an aggression issue.

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But if we don't give ourselves that pause,

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we miss the opportunity to really understand the child's emotion

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and, or need or desire,

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we miss the opportunity to really understand the why

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and then our choices get wonky

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because we can't track them back to anything that's actually true for the child.

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So I hope that that kind of helps you

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understand what the limit setting pause serves to do.

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It gives you a second

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because

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you know, an extra couple of seconds before you set a limit,

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you don't have to have

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in the second, we have to get something out. We can wait a few seconds.

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And then when we're able to actually set the limit,

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we've given ourselves a moment to let our brains settle into what's going on.

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Is the child really angry

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or are they just behaving angrily?

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Is the child trying to prove something

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that's different than the child wanting power?

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Is the child

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using their control in the session

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to their advantage because they want to have a sense of authority.

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What choices would actually allow the original need to be met.

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These are all things that we actually have to give our brain time to process.

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Because if we just open our mouth and start talking,

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we might actually get

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a reflection of feeling and a neutral limit and choices out,

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but they're very likely not going to be on target.

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So then I'm sure the next question that you're asking in

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your heads or maybe you're yelling them out loud to me.

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I don't know.

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Ok. Great, Brenna. This sounds like a lovely idea.

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But how am I supposed to practice this?

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What in the world am I supposed to do to acquire this ability to do this on the fly?

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Even if I give myself a limit setting pause?

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Well, glad you asked.

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So first and foremost, you should be taking notes in your session

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and

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there's all kinds of justifications for that.

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But specifically to the limit setting process,

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if you are taking notes

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by the time you need to set a limit in a session,

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unless it's the very first thing out of the gate, when you close the playroom door,

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that's unlikely.

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Almost always. By the time we get to a limit,

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you will have already identified play themes,

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you will already have identified what's going on in the session,

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what the child has been feeling, what they're working on

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what needs they're playing out,

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which allows you to map

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we've already progressed and we're already kind of on this track.

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I have a pretty good handle of what's going on in this moment.

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But you glance at your notes to see what you've already documented by that

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point instead of trying to figure it out in your brain in the moment.

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So if you're taking session notes,

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it allows you to kind of keep track related aside,

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you know how much I love baseball. No, no surprise,

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I

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hand score games.

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And you know, there's all these new Fandangled

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apps that allow you to score games. And so game changer is a really popular one.

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And every time we're at a tournament, you know,

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someone's doing the game changer scoring thing like it's nonsense,

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no offense to the game changer, aficionados out there. But

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there is nothing like having a scoring book in your lap and having a pencil

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in your hand and actually notating every single thing that happens in the game.

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And here's why I love it. So I used to do it for my son's little league games,

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every game I scored. And then now in his travel ball league, they do game changer.

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So I don't anymore, even though

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I could bring my own if I really wanted to,

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but I often will score at RAYS games as well.

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Our major league team in Tampa Bay

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and it's not because anyone looks at my scorebook,

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but when I have scored a game,

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not only am I more aware of what's going on at any given moment,

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I remember what has happened better than if I just watched it.

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And third,

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I can look down

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and tell you anything that happened in that game at a glance

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because I've documented it.

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So my

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enlargement here or analogy, if you will

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is if you take the time to write some things down and to take notes during session,

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you're going to be more aware,

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you're going to remember it more easily and

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you can glance down and see what's happened

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in any given moment that you need to.

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And there's all kinds of other reasons,

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but those are the ones that apply to limit setting.

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So I definitely suggest that you should be taking notes in

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session if you have no idea what that looks like.

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And you are like, oh my gosh, where would I even start

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consider joining us in the CCPT Collective? Those are questions that you can ask.

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Those are things we can talk about on the live Zoom calls.

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And I've done all kinds of coaching and training

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about how you can start taking child-centered notes.

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But that's something that you should be doing and

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working on and adding to your skill set.

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So that's

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my first suggestion of how you can get better at this.

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My second one is

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you need to practice setting limits in your head,

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which I know, kind of makes you sound crazy but

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when you're in the shower,

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when you're driving,

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when you're running,

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when you're doing any

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kind of brainless monotonous type of activity.

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For me, it's when I'm swimming laps.

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Uh, yeah, I could,

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I could bore you to death with all the things that

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I've practiced and mastered while swimming laps in a pool.

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I've been a, a swimming athlete in all different types my entire life.

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Honestly, since I was very, very young,

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I've been a competitive swimmer, a synchronized swimmer, a springboard diver,

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I Wakeboard, I ski.

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You name the water sport. I've done it

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and much of that involves 25 yards at a time back and forth,

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staring at tiles on the bottom of the,

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the pool.

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And there is something so helpful

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about rehearsing in your head when you're doing a repetitive monotonous,

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mindless activity.

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So, whatever that is for you,

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you know, it can be driving, showering, running, biking,

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whatever.

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But

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if you start thinking about

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X happens in my playroom,

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what do I do?

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You can talk yourself through that same scenario with four different whys

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do you hear where I'm going with that?

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So you say child starts to dump the sand on the floor

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out of the sand tray?

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Ok. So that's something you would need to set a limit on.

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But the why you could practice setting

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four different limits and giving four different choices

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because there could be four different reasons why a child

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would try to dump sand out of the sand tray.

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There are only so many limits that you're going to have to set in a playroom.

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Quite honestly,

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I would argue there is a finite number of limits you're going to have to set

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because they all mapped out back to your safety.

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The child's safety and property and toys not getting ruined or broken.

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There's only so many options.

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So I know it feels really overwhelming and it feels like, oh my gosh,

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I'm never gonna be able to set limits and I'm never gonna

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be able to give choices and this just seems like so daunting,

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but it's not,

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there are only so many things that you're going to have to set limits on.

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So think about them in your head.

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What could happen?

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Child starts to

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try to open the window.

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Do I need to set a limit? What could be the reasons go

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reflect the feeling,

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the setting, the neutral limit is easy, right?

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A is not for B, X is for Y that's really the kind of thing that stays static.

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So the window is not for opening, the sand is not for pouring on the floor.

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I mean, those are the things that don't change no matter the scenario, right?

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But your reflection of feeling and your choices are

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going to be different based on the why.

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So concoct scenarios in your head and rehearse them

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in your head, go through

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you really want to make it seem like there was a sandstorm.

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So you wanna pour the sand on the floor because

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then it would look like there was a sandstorm.

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But the sand is not for dumping on the floor.

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You can choose to create a sandstorm and keep all the sand in the tray

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or you can choose to use the Legos and dump

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those out and pretend that it's sand for a sandstorm.

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Which do you choose?

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And notice that those choices would map to the child wanting to create a sandstorm.

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But what if the child

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was in mess making play?

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They just feel the need to make a mess.

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That's a very different process. So you're gonna talk yourself through that.

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What if the child is in resistance phase

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and they just want ultimate power and control

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and they know that they shouldn't do it.

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So they're gonna try it because they're testing boundaries.

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What would you reflect? And what choices would you give there?

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I promise you the more you rehearse this,

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the more you practice

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this in your head,

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the better you will get at it

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and the easier it will come in the moment.

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But if you wait until you're in a play session with a child

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and a limit is warranted,

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it's going to be very, very difficult for you to master this skill.

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So not only do you need to use the limit setting pause,

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give yourself a moment to actually consider what you say before you say it.

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But you have to have rehearsed and practiced before you get in that setting.

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That will set you up for the easiest most effective limit setting

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when you're actually working with a child in the playroom in real time.

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So I hope that's helpful for you. I hope that encourages you.

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And there's a lot of you all that are reaching out to me with limit setting questions,

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a lot of things I'm seeing in the videos I'm reviewing.

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So I wanna make sure that we have a handle on this because limit setting,

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choice giving and reflecting feelings all swirl together in limit setting.

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We're using three skills in one

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and that makes it a little bit complicated.

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Number one, but number two, there's a lot of nuance to it.

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The why matters.

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So if we miss that,

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everything else kind of falls apart and that's why the pause is so helpful.

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That's why practicing is so important.

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All right.

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So please go to playtherapynow.com

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if you would like to get on my newsletter,

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find out about my coaching groups, find out about the CCPT Collective,

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all kinds of stuff going on there.

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And gosh, it's been fun.

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There's been so much activity in the Collective and there's

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been so much going on in the coaching groups and

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we're actually ready to launch the June groups soon.

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So if you would like to coach with me,

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if you would like to be in the Play Therapy Professional Certified program.

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We have openings for June

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so you can sign up for that at playtherapypro.com

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But you can also get there from playtherapynow.com.  So either one will get you there,

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reach me at brenna@thekidcounselor.com. I'd love to hear from you.

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Grateful for each to every one of you. Love y'all talk again soon. Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr

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Brenna Hicks. For more episodes and resources.

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Please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.