#15: Dodging Difficult Conversations? Here's What It's Really Costing You

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I'm an expert. I've developed every possible coping mechanism to avoid having hard conversations. But I think you and I both know now, after years  oppressing and developing the simple skills and actually practicing this stuff, it, it's, we understand it in our brains, but I think experientially it's really hard to believe.

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eric: Yes, I think avoiding hard conversations is  often. More about self-protection than anything else. I think one of our justifications is to say, well, I don't wanna hurt this person's feelings. Well, I don't wanna make this difficult for them. But I think if we're being brutally honest, it's more about protecting our own egos or emotions or fears in any of those relationships.

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dawn: Yeah, and I know for me, a huge  thing that I lean into when I'm avoiding conversation, frankly, is just the desire to avoid discomfort.

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Just for a moment, because I know that for our listeners, in our first season we unpack some of our  core tools and one of those tools in particular speaks to I think some of the key elements that we need to consider as we think about having hard conversations, and I think it's twofold.

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So we're now talking about self-leadership and we're, and then we're transitioning into others' awareness. Mm-hmm. And I think for our listeners to go back and listen to that episode or check into our other resource  on a more emotional inte resources, ugh, on emotional intelligence. Because I think once we have the, a simple and helpful mental framework, it's going to give us greater clarity and confidence to step into these hard conversations.

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I have to step in with the personal responsibility and say. Here's my part of this situation. I have to have the honesty and humility. Yeah. To look at the situation and identify what those pieces are. This is something I've been leaning into with my two teenage  children right now, guys. Yes. It is very easy to look at the other person and identify.

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Whether it's a conflict that's that's arisen or whether that's you know, having to. Bring some challenge to  a team member of ours, whatever the case is. We're always best off if we enter into a conversation from a place of personal honesty and humility, right? Because I think when we operate from that posture, the other party feels it.

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So often hard conversations become about, I've gotta get out what I, what I think you've done wrong or how I want to challenge you, or the difficult issue at hand, right? It becomes all about the issue. And I tell people, if you prioritize the issue, you're gonna miss the person. And if you miss the person, yeah, then that is going to  erode trust.

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Mm-hmm. And what that does is not only prioritize human connection, it prioritizes the end goal, which is we want partnership. Yeah, we want to come outta this on the other side, feeling like it's a  win-win scenario, and I often remind clients win-win scenarios are the overflow of a commitment that we are going to learn together.

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dawn: And she recognized that there was a gap on her team that she needed to fill, and she wasn't sure how that was all gonna play out. And so sh because of that lack of  certainty, she didn't communicate well to the existing team members, which meant that.

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We can't know  the end game. We can only know a couple steps out. And so I said, lean into that with hone, as you just said, with honesty and humility. Own the fact that you don't know the end game, but here's what I do know and here's what I can commit and here's how I see us moving forward, which is lending that partnership.

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But I think now she has just that little bit of clarity to offer a couple of stepping stones, right? We don't have to know the end game, but if we can give certainty around some clarity around a couple stepping stones. Things that we are willing to  commit to. It goes a long way in these hard conversations with our team members.

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And the best way I can describe it is that they were just very like. Sarcastic with each other and nitpicky with each other and biting at each  other. It kind of felt like they were carrying the residue of whatever, unresolved tensions, whatever hard conversations they weren't either have able to work through or avoiding.

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eric: And my  wife reminded me. She said, Hey, remember like these hard conversations. Actually have the potential to lead to greater connection and intimacy. That's right. And sometimes, we talked about this. Sometimes we need people in our lives that love us enough to reflect back to us when we're not bringing our best selves to the table.

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eric: But in parentheses, I need to have a hard conversation. So I just laid out, I said, Hey, the experience with you guys in our home lately has been difficult for these reasons. This is what we've been experiencing. I don't know what's going  on, but I just want you to know it's been difficult for us.

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eric: Now I can tell you in the first few minutes. The gentleman got really defensive. Hmm.  And, I could see his body language was shutting down and I, I said, Hey, how are you feeling? What are you thinking? And he said, well, you know, I, you know, that's not, we come over here because, you know, we want, we, we trust you guys and now here you are throwing this in our face.

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You guys and other people that we've been spending time with. Anyways, it led to  something beautiful. It actually led to greater connection with them, greater intimacy. It wasn't about us fixing them, it wasn't about them fixing themselves in the moment. It was just about. And sometimes stepping into these conversations and reflecting to other people, this is how I'm experiencing you in this space, but be, but you are an adult and you get to choose.

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The fear of not knowing how this is going to play out is what often keeps us stuck. But what led you and your wife through that was curiosity and empathy and humility, and. I want our listeners to hear that  those are the guiding the flashlights that are gonna guide you through kind of the darkness of having some of these hard conversations is curiosity, empathy, and humility.

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We encourage them to identify. That with somebody maybe that they have more trust built up with so they can practice the hard  conversation. But I think it's as simple as that. Like I would encourage our listeners to, to consider what's a hard conversation that you're avoiding right now?

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At least it's hard for me, but I, I want you to know what I wanna fight for in this conversation. I wanna fight for greater connection with you, greater understanding of one another, because that's the end game, right? Is our partnership. And then I encourage people, literally  write that down, right, right.

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How do I prioritize human connection? Yeah. In this conversation, I actually imagine these conversations. I imagine them sometimes going sideways and what am I gonna do in that moment? Mm-hmm. How am I gonna handle myself? And by rehearsing it means that I have a better chance when I actually  get into the conversation of, of feeling better prepared for whatever may come.

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dawn: Yeah, I  What you're saying is essentially come at them with an invitation and not a club.

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eric: Yeah. Yeah. I love that. I  love that. Well. As always, we're so grateful to those listeners who spend their time with us, and we are committed to sharing out of the overflow of our own life and leadership journeys, the simple principles and practices, the leadership tools that have helped us to succeed more in every area of our life.