212 | Session Savvy: Breaking the Habit of Saying 'OK' in the Child-Centered Play Therapy Playroom

0
00:00:00,409 --> 00:00:03,059
You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr

1
00:00:03,220 --> 00:00:08,119
Brenna Hicks. Your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

2
00:00:08,439 --> 00:00:08,970
Hi, I'm Dr

3
00:00:09,100 --> 00:00:10,470
Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.

4
00:00:10,479 --> 00:00:13,989
This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get a master class in child-centered,

5
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:14,770
play therapy

6
00:00:14,989 --> 00:00:17,260
and practical support and application for your

7
00:00:17,270 --> 00:00:19,159
work with children and their families.

8
00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:23,110
In today's episode, we are doing another Session Savvy series episode

9
00:00:23,420 --> 00:00:27,670
and this one is saying, ok in the playroom.

10
00:00:28,250 --> 00:00:28,920
Now,

11
00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:32,569
I talked about this in a couple of my coaching groups in the last few weeks

12
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:35,310
and a lot of them came back to me and they're like, oh my gosh, I say,

13
00:00:35,319 --> 00:00:37,909
OK all the time and I'm just beating myself up

14
00:00:37,919 --> 00:00:40,270
because I just realized now how often I say it,

15
00:00:40,819 --> 00:00:44,400
I wanna make it clear that when I talk about saying, ok,

16
00:00:44,580 --> 00:00:49,119
there are different uses of the word. OK. And I'm really only referring to one type.

17
00:00:49,130 --> 00:00:49,639
So

18
00:00:49,950 --> 00:00:50,520
don't

19
00:00:50,740 --> 00:00:54,569
panic preemptively. Let me dive into exactly what I mean.

20
00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:57,650
And then you can assess how frequently you might say the word. Ok.

21
00:00:57,659 --> 00:00:59,029
So here's what will happen.

22
00:00:59,540 --> 00:01:00,619
A child says

23
00:01:01,340 --> 00:01:03,700
I wanna paint the planets

24
00:01:04,888 --> 00:01:05,908
if we say,

25
00:01:06,009 --> 00:01:06,789
OK,

26
00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:10,519
that sounds like permission giving

27
00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:15,470
versus a child says you're gonna be the cop and I'm

28
00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:18,599
gonna be the robber and you have to put me in jail

29
00:01:18,949 --> 00:01:19,779
and we say,

30
00:01:20,019 --> 00:01:23,860
ok, you're gonna be the cop. I'm gonna be the cop and you're gonna be the robber.

31
00:01:24,819 --> 00:01:28,879
Ok? In that scenario is acknowledgment of understanding.

32
00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:30,599
Do you see the difference?

33
00:01:30,610 --> 00:01:32,669
I wanna make it really clear before I even dive into

34
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,480
this because I realized that when I said we shouldn't say,

35
00:01:35,489 --> 00:01:36,599
OK in the playroom,

36
00:01:36,919 --> 00:01:41,239
everyone started going, oh my gosh, I basically can't open my mouth now. So

37
00:01:41,489 --> 00:01:44,949
I need a distinct, I needed to distinguish between those two.

38
00:01:45,349 --> 00:01:49,000
Here's the, the significance of why we don't want to say, ok,

39
00:01:49,010 --> 00:01:50,589
in the permission giving sense.

40
00:01:50,889 --> 00:01:55,629
So when a child declares something explains, something says they have a plan,

41
00:01:55,930 --> 00:01:59,069
says that they are going to do something

42
00:01:59,279 --> 00:02:00,629
if we say, OK,

43
00:02:01,650 --> 00:02:03,699
or I'm gonna go throw this away, ok?

44
00:02:04,879 --> 00:02:09,940
I'm gonna see if I can build this tower 38 blocks tall. OK?

45
00:02:11,130 --> 00:02:14,679
What that communicates inadvertently and often

46
00:02:15,479 --> 00:02:17,570
in our lack of awareness

47
00:02:18,460 --> 00:02:20,880
that sounds like we are giving permission

48
00:02:21,279 --> 00:02:24,119
or somehow agreeing that that's OK.

49
00:02:25,490 --> 00:02:26,270
And that

50
00:02:26,679 --> 00:02:29,740
really kind of undermines the entire principle of child

51
00:02:29,860 --> 00:02:30,589
centeredness

52
00:02:31,669 --> 00:02:34,529
because the premise is that the child is in charge,

53
00:02:34,539 --> 00:02:36,509
the child gets to choose what happens

54
00:02:37,229 --> 00:02:41,610
and that they are able to work on anything that they choose to work on.

55
00:02:42,250 --> 00:02:46,500
And therefore when they're planning what they're going to do in the session.

56
00:02:47,169 --> 00:02:49,979
If we say, OK, as if

57
00:02:50,110 --> 00:02:51,029
we're

58
00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:53,259
satisfied with that plan,

59
00:02:54,589 --> 00:02:58,839
it can create a dynamic where they feel like they have to check in with us

60
00:02:59,279 --> 00:03:00,940
or they have to seek permission

61
00:03:01,419 --> 00:03:03,869
or they have to make sure that we're in agreement

62
00:03:04,220 --> 00:03:08,330
or they do that. I look where they're waiting for us to nod and smile.

63
00:03:09,020 --> 00:03:12,449
All of those are the ways that kids are wired to make

64
00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:15,440
sure that what they wanna do is ok because this is their life

65
00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:17,160
outside of the playroom.

66
00:03:17,479 --> 00:03:20,889
They have to make sure that anything they want to do is going to be acceptable.

67
00:03:21,289 --> 00:03:24,149
And the kids that don't check to make sure that what they want

68
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:27,690
to do is acceptable are the kids that are viewed as the dysregulated,

69
00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:29,949
impulsive ADHD.

70
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,860
They just bounce all over the place and they're crazy.

71
00:03:33,860 --> 00:03:37,539
And in either scenario, we have negative perception of those kids.

72
00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:40,779
The child-centered playroom

73
00:03:40,970 --> 00:03:44,929
is full autonomy, full liberty, full freedom.

74
00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:48,539
You choose, you decide you're in charge,

75
00:03:48,550 --> 00:03:51,360
you're the boss do the work that you need to do

76
00:03:52,509 --> 00:03:54,389
and by going ok.

77
00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:55,759
When a child

78
00:03:56,119 --> 00:03:58,169
decides they're going to work on something,

79
00:03:59,130 --> 00:04:00,710
it can be very

80
00:04:01,179 --> 00:04:03,619
accidentally interpreted

81
00:04:03,850 --> 00:04:04,600
as

82
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:09,350
you've declared that that's fine, which means conversely,

83
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:10,990
you could have declared that it wasn't.

84
00:04:11,339 --> 00:04:12,990
Oh, I don't think that's ok.

85
00:04:13,190 --> 00:04:14,949
Oh, I don't think that's a good idea.

86
00:04:15,130 --> 00:04:19,040
Oh, do you really wanna do that now? Hopefully we would never say that

87
00:04:19,558 --> 00:04:21,048
Lord willing and the creek don't rise.

88
00:04:21,319 --> 00:04:24,378
You all are veteran listeners enough now that you

89
00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:26,338
would know that wouldn't be the way we respond.

90
00:04:26,348 --> 00:04:30,598
But notice that the child might be wondering if you would say that

91
00:04:30,959 --> 00:04:33,489
because that's how everyone else responds in the child's world.

92
00:04:34,559 --> 00:04:37,459
And therefore, if you say, ok, you might say it's not OK.

93
00:04:37,510 --> 00:04:39,179
Let's go back to limit setting.

94
00:04:39,589 --> 00:04:42,700
Let's go back to why we set neutral limits the way that we do.

95
00:04:42,709 --> 00:04:44,339
Why we word it the way that we do.

96
00:04:44,750 --> 00:04:47,019
We spend a lot of time on the

97
00:04:47,410 --> 00:04:51,859
significance of words when we set limits. Why? Because they have to be neutral.

98
00:04:52,119 --> 00:04:55,579
That's why the formula A is not for B, X is for Y

99
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:56,950
means so much

100
00:04:57,429 --> 00:04:58,980
because if we say,

101
00:05:00,010 --> 00:05:01,320
I don't think that's a good idea.

102
00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:04,929
That's very different than

103
00:05:05,250 --> 00:05:06,690
the walls are not for painting on.

104
00:05:08,369 --> 00:05:10,029
I can't let you paint the wall

105
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:13,500
very different than the wall is not for painting on.

106
00:05:17,529 --> 00:05:22,950
See how the subtlety in the phrasing changes the whole conversation.

107
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:24,790
Similarly,

108
00:05:25,140 --> 00:05:26,160
kid says,

109
00:05:26,359 --> 00:05:28,910
I'm gonna see if I can jump rope 15 times.

110
00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:30,119
OK.

111
00:05:31,730 --> 00:05:32,790
What if we said

112
00:05:32,899 --> 00:05:34,070
no, that's a bad idea

113
00:05:35,809 --> 00:05:38,619
or uh I don't, I don't know that you should do that.

114
00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:40,399
You prob that, that's, you might get hurt.

115
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:45,649
So this is one of those moments where we usually

116
00:05:46,010 --> 00:05:47,690
unconsciously are doing it

117
00:05:48,140 --> 00:05:52,500
and let's go back to why we talked about not saying thank you in a playroom.

118
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:57,100
This is a very similar idea here because thank you is polite

119
00:05:57,109 --> 00:06:01,510
and courteous and socially acceptable ways that we would interact with people.

120
00:06:01,839 --> 00:06:03,100
So I was saying, ok,

121
00:06:04,149 --> 00:06:07,049
in normal conversation, if someone says something,

122
00:06:07,209 --> 00:06:09,250
a standard response is ok,

123
00:06:10,649 --> 00:06:12,519
it's almost like got it

124
00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:13,559
right.

125
00:06:13,910 --> 00:06:17,299
So we're conditioned to do this and we don't even realize that we do.

126
00:06:17,309 --> 00:06:20,220
And this is why all my coaching people are going, oh my gosh, Brenna, 

127
00:06:20,230 --> 00:06:23,339
As soon as you said that I realized how many times I say, ok,

128
00:06:23,350 --> 00:06:25,390
in a in play session because I'm aware of it now

129
00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:29,820
as much as possible, try to break yourself of that habit

130
00:06:30,079 --> 00:06:34,700
if only in play sessions in normal conversation. If you're an ok-er, so be it,

131
00:06:35,230 --> 00:06:37,529
I almost said if you're an ok-er, it's ok

132
00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:40,890
but I changed it at the last second and then I admitted it anyway.

133
00:06:40,899 --> 00:06:41,660
So what was the point?

134
00:06:42,190 --> 00:06:45,700
So if you're going to say, ok, in normal conversation,

135
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:50,119
it is what it is, the rest of the world will accept it as standard practice.

136
00:06:50,350 --> 00:06:53,179
But if you can be cognizant of it in the playroom,

137
00:06:53,190 --> 00:06:55,820
break yourself of saying it as much as possible,

138
00:06:55,829 --> 00:06:59,579
but very intentionally break yourself of saying it

139
00:06:59,739 --> 00:07:02,100
almost as a permission giving statement

140
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:07,459
if you're saying, OK, got it. I need to wear the wig,

141
00:07:07,589 --> 00:07:11,019
ok, got it. I'm supposed to shoot at the target with you.

142
00:07:11,350 --> 00:07:16,179
Those are, I understand the directive you've given me oks.

143
00:07:17,130 --> 00:07:17,660
But

144
00:07:17,820 --> 00:07:20,420
ok as in sure, go ahead

145
00:07:21,450 --> 00:07:24,989
is a very different connotation that we want to avoid.

146
00:07:25,519 --> 00:07:28,920
So I'm hopeful that that challenges you a little bit.

147
00:07:28,989 --> 00:07:31,820
Now, this whole week, every session you have,

148
00:07:31,829 --> 00:07:35,510
you're going to be keeping a little mental tally of you saying, OK,

149
00:07:35,519 --> 00:07:36,670
and you might be horrified.

150
00:07:36,679 --> 00:07:38,079
You might be pleasantly surprised.

151
00:07:38,390 --> 00:07:44,179
But regardless, just keep this in mind. Nuances matter in CCPT

152
00:07:44,290 --> 00:07:47,059
and our words matter in CCPT and the

153
00:07:47,304 --> 00:07:50,875
interpretation of what we say matters and we often

154
00:07:50,885 --> 00:07:52,774
don't even know what that might look like.

155
00:07:52,975 --> 00:07:56,464
We have no idea how a child's going to interpret some of the things that we say,

156
00:07:56,475 --> 00:07:59,174
which is what this whole Session Savvy series is about.

157
00:07:59,434 --> 00:08:01,744
It's these little things that we don't realize

158
00:08:01,755 --> 00:08:04,535
are slight deviations or can somehow get in

159
00:08:04,545 --> 00:08:08,214
the way of the process and that's the exact reason why we're talking about them.

160
00:08:08,225 --> 00:08:08,595
So

161
00:08:09,265 --> 00:08:11,734
love you all so much. We'll talk again soon. Bye.

162
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:15,399
Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr

163
00:08:15,500 --> 00:08:18,630
Brenna Hicks. For more episodes and resources.

164
00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:23,529
Please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.