67. Embracing your authentic self

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Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, It is so great to have you here back for another episode. Before we get into it, though, I firstly just want to say thank you, a huge thank you for all of the support in twenty twenty two. We are coming into twenty twenty three, into the new year, strong, happy, and ready for so many more interesting topics and episodes, and there is so much to look forward to, so much, but today we're going to begin our new year by tackling, I think one of the biggest and most underrated concepts that many of us will come across in our twenties. If you've ever struggled with feeling like you don't know yourself anymore, you've become separated from who you truly are. You change yourself depending on the people you're around, depending on your friends or your family, or you might just be feeling a little bit lost. This episode is for you, because today we are talking about how to embrace our authentic selves. This is one of the most crucial things that we do need to accomplish in our twenties. And although it's not easy, although it's misunderstood, the outcomes, the benefits, they're not only lifelong, but they're pretty endless. When we're able to really connect and be our true selves, be true to our values, be honest about who we are, and vulnerable. So much research, so many studies show that we are happier, we're more fulfilled, our relationships are better, and we are just you know, overall better versions of ourselves. So today we are going to break down some of the essential psychology behind embodying authenticity. We're going to discuss the true meaning of authenticity and the reasons why it is so crucial. We're going to explore what happens when we become disconnected or separated from our authentic selves and why this is happening more and more in modern day society. And finally, of course, how do we find our way back, How do we fully embrace who we are and live through our authentic selves through things like honesty, boundaries, generosity, and of course self exploration. There is so much to cover and the research. Oh my gosh, the studies are fascinating. I have been having such a crisis of authenticity recently, and it can be so incredibly painful, I think, to feel like the version of yourself that you are presenting to others is not who you actually are. There have been so many times I have changed myself for the people I'm around, for the people I'm dating, for the people I'm friends with. And something I've realized is that honestly, life is too short. Life is too short to not be exactly who you are. So let us learn and grow together and explore how it is that we can embody and embrace our authentic selves as we always do. Let's begin with the basics. Let's begin with the foundation. So what actually is the authentic self? The authentic self? It's sometimes known as the true self as well, and it is a concept that's been around for a while, and it's discussed back in history by people like Socrates and Freud. Although it is as a long history, I would say it definitely hasn't lost its relevance in the modern day and it remains just as important to understand, especially in our twenties, when the pursuit of the authentic self, I think is one of the most crucial journeys that we all have to embark on as individuals. Discovering our authentic self is also really really crucial for our well being and our relationships, not just with others but with ourselves as well. If we don't have that keen awareness or that understanding of who we are or what we stand for, I think it's one of those things where we can never actually truly be seen or understood. So the depth of our relationships, the depth of our knowing ourselves, the depth of our self awareness is never going to be at the place that it truly needs to be. So essentially, our authentic self is who we are at our very core. When all of the distractions and the facades are gone, and when we are truly stripped back and vulnerable, that's what remains. That's our authentic selves, and it's the part of you that would exist regardless of others expectations, regardless of where you are in the world or who you are with. It's this essence, this deep essence of who you are as an individual. In psychology, authenticity, it's more than merely trying to be ourselves. It requires a lot more than that. It requires action and truth and honesty, and at the end of the day, owning what you believe, what you desire, and your strengths and weaknesses, along with what you choose to do with all of those things. It's also not just something that we happen across. It can take us years, years, sometimes even decades for some people to fully embrace and discover who we are. But once we do it, I think it is one of those things that never goes out of style, it never loses its merit. It's such a valuable thing to do so our authentic selves. It's made up of a few components, and there is a bit of a debate about this within the discipline of psychology about the contents of the authentic self, but the main elements that tend to come up include things like our values, our beliefs, judgments, our desires, our temperament, which is a really important one, and then things like our mission, our creativity, our free will, and finally that recognition, that feeling, that acknowledgment of being alive, of being our own person and of being in control of who we are and the actions that we take. These are. I guess what make up the authentic self. But it isn't just a list of how we would describe ourselves. Isn't just a box of different things. It's also a verb, and our authentic self requires action to realize. Individuals who we would consider to live in alignment with their true self or their authentic selves. They are these people who are able to recognize and accept themselves for truly for who they truly are. That's not just the good stuff, right. I think often we have a tendency to characterize ourselves by the things that we're good at, or by our jobs, or by the things that we see merit in. But in order to understand or our authentic selves, we also have to be able to recognize the ugly things about ourselves, the bad things, our weaknesses. People who are in alignment with their authentic selves, they also strive to align their actions what they choose to do, with their core values and their beliefs in that hope of sinking everything they do and discovering who they are in kind of tandem with everything else in their life, So acting in one way at all times and in alignment with their true selves. And these are the people who we see. I'm sure some of us know them who express themselves really freely, who act with consistency. They are the people we see and who we meet, who seem almost free from others, expectations, societal norms. But mostly they don't deny who they are, and they don't deny they believe they are and what they want to do with their lives and what their impact on the world will be. This is because authenticity, as an idea but also as something that we embody, it almost illuminates that path forward to live the life that you want. When you are clear with yourself about what matters, you begin to understand how to make decisions that are going to align with your goals, with your identity and your core values, and you begin to build a life for yourself that does have meaning and does have joy. And I know if this sounds a bit like New Age enlightenment, I don't blame you from thinking this. I can understand how a lot of the words by using sound pretty wishy washy. But psychology as a discipline, as a scientific discipline, has shown us time and time again that this version of us does exist, The authentic self does exist, and the people who are able to access it are by far some of the happiest people in the world. And in contrast to all of this and the authentic self, there is also this false self, right inauthentic self, and that refers to almost a defensive facade or disguise that we tend to create to protect us from judgment or to conform and to be who others want us to be. This inauthentic self, it's viewed as doing our duty rather than acting out of desire and from a place of honesty and vulnerability. And when people act in ways that go against or violate their true self, often there are emotional consequences that come along with that. You might experience negative feelings, ranging from feeling a bit uncomfortable in a situation to feeling really guilty all the time or really shameful. Think about a time in your life when you did when you did act in a way that you knew contradicted who you truly were at your core. Maybe you were working a job that didn't align with your values, you were distracting yourself with social media, or acting in a way and treating others that contradicted your beliefs. In that moment. I think we all know this feeling, this tug in our chest, this panic, this distress, often some kind of mental reaction that indicates to us that something isn't quite right. That feeling is in itself pretty revealing, and it's something we have to learn to listen to, which is what we're going to discuss in a second. But I think it's also important to acknowledge that there is this kind of long standing debate, right Like, we've talked a lot about the existence of the authentic self, the fact that this thing is real, what some of the consequences are, but there is this kind of I would say, yeah, this discussion, this debate within psychology about whether we do possess an innate, authentic self that is permanent and long lasting, whether this version of ourselves changes over time. But regardless of what you think, one thing remains true. When we are disconnected from our core values, our purpose, and our characteristics and our desires, the result is not very pleasant, and it's hard for us to be our best selves during these times. Not embodying our authentic self can actually be quite painful. You know, I've had a few times in my life where I've spent many hours crying in my car, feeling really terrible about myself because I didn't know who I was when we were in our early twenties. We just feel so confused, and we're trying to figure out is this really who I am? Is this what I want in my life? Does this align with my values? And I didn't know if anything I was doing actually did align with that version of me. And although I wasn't able to identify what exactly was going wrong, why exactly I was feeling that way, those moments were really scary and really painful to experience, because who really are we if we are not connected to our true self, the things that we want, the qualities we embody, the person we are at our core. If you're going through this right now, you deserve a lot of credit because it is so difficult, and there's a reason behind this. Most psychologists which suggest that it's because we are ignoring and suppressing our authentic selves in those moments, and what we're actually doing is pretending and finding a way to mask who we truly are. This takes a lot of mental energy to pretend to be someone you're not, and that exhaustion has some pretty real mental consequences. You know, imagine if every single moment of your life you were acting out some character someone else who you didn't really understand, who you didn't really believe in. It's exhausting. It's like having a full time job that the clock never stops on. And additionally, we can feel a lot of guilt and shame if we're acting in a way that doesn't align with our core values and beliefs, because what it really does is go against this core belief system. It's confusing, and there's a sense of us that knows, either through societal teaching and societal learning, that when we act out against who we actually are, the consequences are sometimes severe and it can just be really painful. There was a recent study published in Psychological Science and it found that hiding your authentic self it produces feelings of immorality and impurity. So, throughout the course of these five experiments, these scientists, these researchers got these participants to act out in these certain different certain different conditions, and participants reported that when they were made to be inauthentic, when they were asked to act in a way that didn't align with how they believed it made them feel really immoral, and it increased this desire to do something to almost redeem themselves. And on the other hand, when participants were able to act in a way that did align with their authentic selves, or when they were asked to recall a time when they had behaved with authenticity, it actually made them feel really positive about themselves. There are some other studies that really back this up. One was in two thousand and eight. It found that people who are more authentic they feel happier, they have self esteem. They were even doing research on this back in the nineties, and they discovered that when you show up authentically as yourself, this actually brings greater satisfaction and lower stress levels, particularly in the workplace or in certain social situations. Being authentic it's also super important for our relationships. I'm going to give you guys some more research here just because I think it is so fascinating. In two thousand and six, these researchers showed that authenticity increased satisfaction in romantic relationships like threefold by a crazy amount. When we embrace our true selves, we are honest, we set boundaries, and we don't need external validation to fulfill ourselves because we already know who we are, and all of this results in better relationships with others, whether it is family, friends, or a romantic partner. So there is someone who talks about this a lot who I absolutely love. Her name is Brunei Brown. If you know who I'm talking about, Oh my gosh, sending you big kisses and love. I'm a big fan. I think she is incredible. And she did this TED talk a little while ago that was incredible. It was about embracing our authentic self and she explains how authenticity is an essential part of developing meaningful relationships. I would really highly recommend listening to this Ted talk. But what she essentially concludes is that people show up with their vulnerabilities and living their truth and when they do this, it allows them to truly connect and feel close to others. And in contrast, when we have that fear of rejection, when we are scared, when we haven't really done the work to figure out who we are, it often prevents us from authentic, from sorry expressing our authentic selves. They put up this mask and we sometimes change our behayor out in order to fit in and in order to have people think about us a certain way, and we're not doing ourselves any favors by acting that way. There is no doubt that pursuing and embodying our authentic self can be really difficult, especially in your twenties, when our brains aren't even fully developed, our ideas about the world aren't even fully developed, and therefore embodying our authentic selves is going to be difficult. However, this decade is particularly pertinent because although our journey I guess towards authenticity is a lifelong process, there are certain times and certain periods of our lives that are more crucial and more important in which that exploration is more permissible. In our twenties, we are given this crazy opportunity to experiment and to make mistakes with our friends, with our partners, our hobbies, our jobs, where we live, and we get to identify what feels right, what aligns with who we want to be, And we also have an opportunity or I guess, it also is the time in which most of us begin to question the beliefs that have been ingrained in us since childhood, by our parents, by our community, by general society, and we get to decide whether these are what we actually believe, or we're just kind of going along with the flow and conforming to what is expected of us. It goes without saying I think that our authentic selves are rather elusive beings. And I think in many ways we are separated from this version of us by things like technology, by our relationships, by people pleasing, by just like the general business of everyday life, which keeps us disconnected from our core identity. So although we might be able to recognize that this decade is important for this journey and important for this discovery, there are so many things also occurring at the same time that are going to keep us preoccupied because we also have been very The world around us has changed. It's a lot more digital, there are a lot more distractions and drama, And during this decade, we often place a lot a lot more importance in the significance of fleeting moments and our daily tasks and our jobs, and our relationships and our breakups and the drama and our friendship groups, rather than the idea of who we actually are, and that keeps us separated, That keeps us disconnected, and even if we are in touch with the authentic version of who we are, the battle doesn't really stop there because there is such an intense pressure to conform to social norms and societal expectations for who we should be. And what that kind of means is that often we end up abandoning our wants, our desires, our individual differences to be perceived as quote unquote normal and conform. This kind of pressure to conform. It's often really subtle, so much so that it's not really noticed until we get to the point of feeling immensely dissatisfied. When someone conforms, they put aside their personal preferences, they put aside their authentic selves, and they go along with the group. Because that's what conformity is all about. It's about aligning yourself with the majority and a willingness to conform. It stems from a deep desire to be accepted and to have your membership to the groups that you belong to endorsed, and you don't want to feel rejected. This isn't necessarily an innately negative thing, right Like, it's super normal to want to feel like you belong to want to be a member of your social groups and to have your membership endorsed, to feel like you're connected and welcome, but it is a bad thing when it disrupts your connection to your authentic self, because that's the thing that's going to matter beyond all of these things. Social groups come and go, your membership to them will come and go, but your authentic self is something that is always going to be within you. So how do we push back against all of these factors, all of these kind of external pressures to pursue authenticity in the face of all of this. Our next partner has a product I use literally every day. I started taking ag One because I've been on a bit of a health journey. I wanted to take better care of my immune system and my gut health. 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All you have to do is visit Athletic Greens dot com slash gemma again, that's Athletic Greens dot com slash gemma to take ownership over your health and pick up the ultimate daily nutritional insurance. So there is this author. Their name is Kim out Ravi Kan't and they had this to say about discovering and a guest embracing our authentic selves. I thought it was so amazing when I read this, I was like, this has to go on the episode. It's so incredible. This is what they had to say. We don't stumble accidentally into an amazing authentic life. It takes a conscious commitment to figuring out what we stand for, finding our truth, and it begins by looking inside ourselves. Because when it rises from within, we have no choice but to express it and to live it. I love that. I think that's amazing. I think that sums up everything we're talking about. Done, and Dustin, we can move on, obviously joking, and you know, I can't give you all the answers, but some of the research I looked into for this episode completely aligned with what they had to say, and there are some amazing tips forgetting us to our most true, authentic self and embodying this version of us and everything that we do, every interaction we have, every relationship that we are in. So I'm going to talk through some of the things that we can tangibly do, some of the actions that can make our authentic selves a verb like we talked about. Firstly, I think I say this whenever we're talking about a process like this, but you actually need to be prepared to be super honest and vulnerable with yourself and to take a really hard look at yourself in the mirror. And one way of doing this is by putting aside thirty minutes and asking yourself the following questions. Firstly, what are the five biggest values that you want to embody? What are the five things about yourself, the five values and qualities that you love the most and which represent you. These values could be things like honesty, creativity, independent, strength, faith, love, courage, determination. There are so many, but each of us will have at least five major ones that we believe define us. These are the values that we need to keep at the front of our minds because they are core to who we are, and therefore they're core to our authentic selves. Secondly, I want you to reflect on what activities, what people, and what situations make you feel the most alive. And a way to identify this is to consider the times in your life in which you've entered a flow state. So our flow state. It's also colloquially known as like kind of being in the zone, and it refers to a time in which we are completely engrossed in an activity to the point where time and everything else in our life wives kind of fades away. And this state of mind in which we are energized and which we are focused and fully involved in what we're doing. It's one of the highest states of consciousness that we can be in, and it indicates that we are doing something that aligns with our authentic self. Think about the friends with whom you can talk for hours about everything and anything without looking at your phone or worrying about the outside world. Those are the people to hold close because in their presence you can be authentic. Think about the hobbies that you can be consumed by and effortlessly find yourself wrapped up in. Whether it's painting, running, I don't know, knitting, reading, listening to this podcast, I don't know, whatever it is, or whatever it may be. These are the things that you should be doing more of, and find time to be doing these in your daily life, if not your weekly kind of plan. Set aside time to actively engage in the activities and the hobbies that make you feel alive. It does amazing things for your brain, It does amazing things for your well being. It refreshes you, and you know, essentially it connects you with your authentic self. And finally, consider the issues, the topics, the ideas that really light your soul on fire, which you could discuss for hours. These are the ideas that fuel you, and they represent the intricacies and the desires of your true self. I think I've recommended these exercises in another episode, but it's just as valuable here. It's so important I do this at least every three months. It's everyone has thirty minutes in their week, thirty minutes in their month just to sit down and really do some thinking about it, and it benefits you so much. It's like so powerful doing this. Take some time to really concentrate it, concentrate on it, and journal your thoughts on it. I promise the results are so enlightening and it does bring you a step forward to your authentic self. Another tip, and another I think crucial thing you need to do is to speak your truth with unwavering certainty. I know I said speak your truth, but this also means representing yourself based on how you feel internally, whether that's what you wear, how you present yourself for the conversations you have, who you choose to be around. All of this is representative of your authentic self, and you do have to consciously and confidently put this version forward without worrying about the judgment of others. A lot easier said than done. We've talked about a lot of the pressures that we find to lie, to create this facade, to pretend, and it takes practice but slowly integrating your deepest truths into who you choose to be, and also recognizing when you're trying to conceal this version of you or change you are because you think others won't like this person. That's a really valuable thing we have to learn, and it involves taking daily actions towards authenticity and also setting healthy boundaries with people who don't respect that version of you. I think often our authentic selves can feel like a really big, abstract concept, but when you really look at it, it really does just come down to daily actions because in those small moments you build consistency, You build up that version of yourself every single day, and the things you say, your decisions, your actions, those add up to who you are actualizing an authentic life. It also starts with intentional planning and daily planning, like choosing who we surround ourselves with, how we go about our daily lives, the jobs we work, the places we live, and the small tasks and everyday behaviors the cumulatively build up into who we are. Make some small intentions with yourself or resolutions to do the things that make you your authentic self happy, whether that is spending time in nature, nurturing others through acts of service, cooking for them, or speaking passionately about what you believe even you know this is such a small one, but posting whatever the hell you want on social media. Social media is a huge way in which we can seal our authentic selves. I've had times where I'm like, Oh, I really want to post this, but I'm not going to because it's not how i want to represent myself, And it's like, no, just post it. If it's something you want to do, if it aligns with your desires, if it's your truth, you should post it. Because our authentic self, it's built on each minute, each action, each decision we deliberately decide to be who we truly are, learn how to trust to yourself and be independent. Often we become disconnected from our authentic selves because we're caught up in people pleasing or conforming with societal expectations. So take inventory of your life and decide what are the things that actually make you happy? What decisions are you in control of, and take control of them. So often we do things we don't want to do. We are in jobs that we hate, We say yes to plans that we know are going to make us unhappy, And with every choice like that, we make ourselves separated further and further. From authenticity. So learn to trust yourself and say no to things that don't serve you and yes to things that do. When you are able to discover how to be your authentic self through some of those tips, through some of those ideas, through journaling, through daily practices, you live in the flow. You're in a good state of mind, and you trust your judgment. And what comes with that is this marvelous, consistent embodiment of your core values and beliefs. We feel more connected to ourselves and as the studies have suggested, that means we have better relationships, greater connection with our environment and our internal world. We're happier. Isn't that something that everyone wants? Like It might be really difficult to do this, but there are so many people that never make this decision, who spend their entire lives being a fake version of their selves, not being true to themselves, and most of them are deeply unhappy, and they get to a point in their life where they have this crisis. You know, they're thirty, they're forty, they're fifty sixty years old, and they look around and they're like, I get one life. There is only a finite amount of time on this world and I wasted that time being someone who I am not. And here's the thing, Like, no one is looking at you as hard as you're looking at yourself. And the people who are their authentic selves, I'm sure we've all met them. They're abusing, they're bright, they're brilliant, and that could be you as well. Isn't that the most beautiful thing? Like that could be you? This year? What's not? You know? What? Is not? A lot about that? Nothing? So if this is something you're struggling with, I would highly recommend doing some of those mental exercises we discussed and being conscious of the person that you want to be. I know you can do it. And I think the other thing to remember is that although you're not going to stumble across your authentic self, it is going to take time. That version of you already exists, it's already within you, and it can be discovered. I think it's so valuable to do in this decade. It's going to benefit your life exponentially incredibly. You're going to attract better people, better romance, tick partners, better opportunities, and you're just going to be happier. Sound that was such a little bit of a speech there, a little bit of an indoctrinated speech, but I really do believe it and it's something that I really want to focus on in this year, in twenty twenty three. So if it's something that you want to focus on as well, well, you know, do a bit more research. But I feel like this is a good place to start. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode. That's all we have for this episode. I do feel like I could do a part two, maybe not for a while, maybe like a reflection on my own authentic self. I don't know. The idea has been swirling around in my head, but it's something I'm really into talking about at the moment. I'm talking about with so many of my friends, so I'm glad you could join in on the conversation. Thank you for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you did, and if you do feel cool to do so, please feel free to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now. It really helps the show to grow and to reach new people. And I know I said it at the start, but thank you for all of the love and support last year, this year is going to be amazing. There are so many plans. I'm so excited, So if you want to be the first to know about those plans, please follow our Instagram at that Psychology Podcast. You also get to pick what episodes I publish. I do a poll every couple of weeks and let the listeners decide what they hear that week. So if you want to be involved in the community in that way, please feel free to do so. We would love to have you on board and thank you again for listening. Happy twenty twenty three. Here is two, an amazing year of being and embracing our authentic cells.