#45: Why Self-Reliant Leaders Burn Out Without Warning

1
00:00:00,249 --> 00:00:01,810
Now it's recording.

2
00:00:03,169 --> 00:00:05,011
Episode forty-four,

3
00:00:05,570 --> 00:00:07,652
Simon Sinek and Brene Brown.

4
00:00:07,692 --> 00:00:09,711
No, that's not the title of it.

5
00:00:09,731 --> 00:00:11,573
This is us trying to channel our inner

6
00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:14,234
Simon Sinek and Brene Brown.

7
00:00:14,294 --> 00:00:15,093
Episode forty-four,

8
00:00:15,573 --> 00:00:19,196
The Quiet Cost of Always Having to Be

9
00:00:19,256 --> 00:00:20,916
the Strong One.

10
00:00:21,536 --> 00:00:22,856
Boom, boom, boom, boom.

11
00:00:24,277 --> 00:00:27,539
There's a phrase I often hear leaders say,

12
00:00:28,100 --> 00:00:29,140
sometimes out loud,

13
00:00:29,179 --> 00:00:30,420
but more often than not,

14
00:00:30,561 --> 00:00:33,823
I can tell that they're rehearsing this

15
00:00:33,963 --> 00:00:34,582
internally.

16
00:00:34,603 --> 00:00:35,944
And that's this phrase, I've got this.

17
00:00:35,963 --> 00:00:37,584
I've got this.

18
00:00:37,965 --> 00:00:38,784
And you know who you are.

19
00:00:38,804 --> 00:00:39,844
As soon as I said that phrase,

20
00:00:39,865 --> 00:00:41,665
you know that's like a mantra playing in

21
00:00:41,686 --> 00:00:43,906
your own mind throughout the days.

22
00:00:44,328 --> 00:00:45,207
On the surface,

23
00:00:45,328 --> 00:00:47,149
that sounds like confidence.

24
00:00:48,106 --> 00:00:50,307
responsibility, leadership even.

25
00:00:50,969 --> 00:00:53,051
And at first it's just situational.

26
00:00:53,311 --> 00:00:54,853
Something comes up, you step in,

27
00:00:55,113 --> 00:00:56,054
someone's overwhelmed,

28
00:00:56,094 --> 00:00:57,216
you absorb the pressure,

29
00:00:57,676 --> 00:00:59,658
the moment passes and the system holds.

30
00:01:00,139 --> 00:01:02,942
But over time, that sentence, that mantra,

31
00:01:04,103 --> 00:01:06,266
stops being about a moment and starts

32
00:01:06,326 --> 00:01:07,649
becoming an identity.

33
00:01:09,510 --> 00:01:12,575
You're the steady one, the calm one,

34
00:01:12,635 --> 00:01:15,019
the person people can trust because you

35
00:01:15,078 --> 00:01:17,042
don't wobble, you'll figure it out,

36
00:01:17,121 --> 00:01:18,743
you can sustain the weight,

37
00:01:19,325 --> 00:01:20,566
you don't crack.

38
00:01:21,843 --> 00:01:23,944
And that's where something subtle begins

39
00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:24,525
to happen.

40
00:01:25,325 --> 00:01:28,406
Strength stops being a choice in any given

41
00:01:28,486 --> 00:01:32,028
moment, an exercise of their muscles,

42
00:01:32,689 --> 00:01:34,850
and it becomes the only option.

43
00:01:36,231 --> 00:01:39,013
And when that happens, when that happens,

44
00:01:39,894 --> 00:01:40,694
pressure,

45
00:01:41,995 --> 00:01:43,775
the pressure that we're feeling internally

46
00:01:44,796 --> 00:01:48,838
quietly loses any place to dissipate.

47
00:01:51,269 --> 00:01:52,510
And like any volcano,

48
00:01:52,932 --> 00:01:54,332
and like any volcano,

49
00:01:54,352 --> 00:01:56,355
when the pressure keeps building,

50
00:01:57,236 --> 00:02:00,718
we're headed for something.

51
00:02:00,780 --> 00:02:00,859
Yeah.

52
00:02:00,879 --> 00:02:03,081
And you know what's so interesting about

53
00:02:03,141 --> 00:02:03,341
this?

54
00:02:03,742 --> 00:02:05,804
What stands out to me is that leaders

55
00:02:06,004 --> 00:02:09,788
aren't usually naming that thing as stress

56
00:02:09,888 --> 00:02:11,370
or feeling like they're in crisis.

57
00:02:12,489 --> 00:02:13,288
It's restraint.

58
00:02:13,989 --> 00:02:15,129
They're holding it together.

59
00:02:15,509 --> 00:02:16,509
They're doing the work.

60
00:02:16,530 --> 00:02:17,830
They're showing up.

61
00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:21,330
But there's this accumulation that's

62
00:02:21,390 --> 00:02:23,191
happening underneath, right?

63
00:02:23,230 --> 00:02:24,010
Like you just said.

64
00:02:24,631 --> 00:02:25,951
So let me ask it this way.

65
00:02:26,352 --> 00:02:29,992
When strength becomes a role instead of a

66
00:02:30,052 --> 00:02:31,573
situational response,

67
00:02:32,473 --> 00:02:35,653
what actually starts shifting inside us as

68
00:02:35,693 --> 00:02:36,153
leaders?

69
00:02:36,174 --> 00:02:39,955
Yeah.

70
00:02:40,014 --> 00:02:41,275
I think as we grow,

71
00:02:43,743 --> 00:02:46,525
And as we learn to operate under

72
00:02:46,784 --> 00:02:47,866
increasing pressure,

73
00:02:49,045 --> 00:02:55,468
as our competency develops, and we feel,

74
00:02:55,669 --> 00:02:58,691
I think, sometimes almost this pride in,

75
00:02:59,311 --> 00:03:01,812
I got this.

76
00:03:01,912 --> 00:03:02,151
Right?

77
00:03:03,372 --> 00:03:04,713
Almost like, for some of us,

78
00:03:04,753 --> 00:03:06,433
it becomes like a badge of honor.

79
00:03:07,574 --> 00:03:08,335
I've got this.

80
00:03:08,876 --> 00:03:09,135
Right?

81
00:03:09,616 --> 00:03:11,497
And here's what happens is,

82
00:03:12,747 --> 00:03:16,289
This kind of subtle creep into this kind

83
00:03:16,310 --> 00:03:22,073
of radical sense of self-reliance actually

84
00:03:22,112 --> 00:03:23,753
begins to shape the way that people view

85
00:03:23,873 --> 00:03:25,775
us and the way that people handle us.

86
00:03:27,096 --> 00:03:30,157
So fewer people check in on us because

87
00:03:30,197 --> 00:03:31,497
we just assume they got it.

88
00:03:31,937 --> 00:03:33,338
Like, let me just pause for a second.

89
00:03:34,239 --> 00:03:35,280
Mom's out there.

90
00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:37,221
Don't tell me you don't have this

91
00:03:37,281 --> 00:03:37,820
experience.

92
00:03:37,841 --> 00:03:38,622
Don't tell me.

93
00:03:39,122 --> 00:03:41,943
The house runs on automatic because of

94
00:03:42,043 --> 00:03:42,743
everything you do.

95
00:03:42,783 --> 00:03:43,383
Mom's got this.

96
00:03:43,403 --> 00:03:43,864
Mom's got it.

97
00:03:43,903 --> 00:03:44,365
Mom's got it.

98
00:03:44,405 --> 00:03:44,884
Mom's got it.

99
00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:46,526
I'm not saying dads don't go through this,

100
00:03:46,566 --> 00:03:47,506
but let's just be honest.

101
00:03:47,866 --> 00:03:49,407
Generally speaking, mom's got this.

102
00:03:50,046 --> 00:03:51,647
It gets to the point where nobody's

103
00:03:51,668 --> 00:03:52,848
checking in on mom anymore because she's

104
00:03:52,908 --> 00:03:53,468
got it.

105
00:03:53,848 --> 00:03:54,789
She's so strong.

106
00:03:54,830 --> 00:03:55,490
As a matter of fact,

107
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,031
I'm married to what I believe is one

108
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,032
of the most powerful human beings in the

109
00:03:59,092 --> 00:03:59,431
world.

110
00:04:00,632 --> 00:04:01,552
She's my wife.

111
00:04:02,634 --> 00:04:05,299
And I am so guilty because she is

112
00:04:05,459 --> 00:04:09,585
so crazy capable and competent and

113
00:04:09,705 --> 00:04:12,729
self-sufficient that I forget.

114
00:04:13,496 --> 00:04:14,377
that she's a human being.

115
00:04:14,997 --> 00:04:16,557
I forget that she needs to be checked

116
00:04:16,598 --> 00:04:16,858
in on.

117
00:04:16,899 --> 00:04:18,199
So I'm just owning right here at the

118
00:04:18,220 --> 00:04:20,321
beginning of this podcast that I am

119
00:04:20,380 --> 00:04:23,543
terribly guilty of taking advantage of the

120
00:04:23,603 --> 00:04:25,165
people who live with the mantra,

121
00:04:25,605 --> 00:04:26,024
I got this.

122
00:04:26,064 --> 00:04:27,406
And I'm also gonna be honest because a

123
00:04:27,446 --> 00:04:28,427
lot of the stuff we talk about,

124
00:04:28,607 --> 00:04:29,588
I really suffer from.

125
00:04:29,848 --> 00:04:30,848
This is not one of them.

126
00:04:33,586 --> 00:04:34,367
Not one of them.

127
00:04:35,187 --> 00:04:36,468
I'm not the, I got this guy.

128
00:04:36,487 --> 00:04:36,848
I'm like the,

129
00:04:36,927 --> 00:04:37,927
I don't know how to do this guy.

130
00:04:37,968 --> 00:04:38,428
Can you help me?

131
00:04:38,449 --> 00:04:39,608
Can you help me?

132
00:04:39,749 --> 00:04:41,730
I would more quickly just shovel things

133
00:04:41,810 --> 00:04:43,069
onto somebody else's plate.

134
00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:46,110
And if I'm not careful,

135
00:04:46,130 --> 00:04:48,471
I will surround myself with people who

136
00:04:48,711 --> 00:04:51,552
operate with the, I've got this mantra.

137
00:04:52,252 --> 00:04:54,214
Because it allows me to abdicate

138
00:04:54,254 --> 00:04:55,115
responsibility.

139
00:04:55,175 --> 00:04:58,278
So I'm just owning that because wherever

140
00:04:58,317 --> 00:05:01,221
we fall in this kind of conversation,

141
00:05:01,341 --> 00:05:02,742
some of us on the I've got this

142
00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:04,343
mantra, self-sufficient,

143
00:05:04,764 --> 00:05:07,685
and others of us who overly ask for

144
00:05:07,725 --> 00:05:09,867
help because we don't want to own the

145
00:05:09,908 --> 00:05:11,269
responsibility and figure stuff out.

146
00:05:12,531 --> 00:05:13,411
Sometimes if we're not careful,

147
00:05:13,430 --> 00:05:14,872
we play into each other.

148
00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:17,471
We become each other's worst enemies,

149
00:05:17,531 --> 00:05:17,711
right?

150
00:05:17,730 --> 00:05:21,732
Because we unknowingly feed the other

151
00:05:21,771 --> 00:05:24,233
person's dysfunction, right?

152
00:05:24,252 --> 00:05:26,072
It becomes a form of codependence,

153
00:05:26,132 --> 00:05:27,574
which is why I always give my team

154
00:05:27,613 --> 00:05:28,074
permission.

155
00:05:28,113 --> 00:05:28,694
You know this, Don.

156
00:05:28,733 --> 00:05:29,233
You're on my team.

157
00:05:29,475 --> 00:05:30,735
They say, hey, push back.

158
00:05:31,095 --> 00:05:33,235
When I start shoveling responsibility on

159
00:05:33,255 --> 00:05:34,935
your plate,

160
00:05:34,975 --> 00:05:36,257
don't be afraid to call me out.

161
00:05:36,377 --> 00:05:36,536
Okay.

162
00:05:37,764 --> 00:05:39,105
So fewer people,

163
00:05:39,406 --> 00:05:40,807
we shape the environment with this,

164
00:05:40,887 --> 00:05:41,769
I've got this mantra.

165
00:05:42,249 --> 00:05:43,250
Fewer people check in,

166
00:05:43,329 --> 00:05:45,432
not because they stop caring,

167
00:05:45,891 --> 00:05:48,975
but because our self-sufficiency, right?

168
00:05:49,014 --> 00:05:50,016
Our consistency,

169
00:05:50,055 --> 00:05:53,259
our capacity creates assumptions for other

170
00:05:53,298 --> 00:05:54,680
folks, right?

171
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:55,901
We've handled things before.

172
00:05:56,261 --> 00:05:57,062
We don't panic.

173
00:05:57,281 --> 00:05:58,362
We don't ask for much.

174
00:05:58,642 --> 00:06:00,404
So people just assume we're fine.

175
00:06:00,425 --> 00:06:01,485
Yeah.

176
00:06:01,545 --> 00:06:01,766
Yeah.

177
00:06:02,970 --> 00:06:05,791
And the leaders, as leaders,

178
00:06:06,973 --> 00:06:08,973
often help reinforce that.

179
00:06:09,235 --> 00:06:11,175
People who are operating with this I've

180
00:06:11,196 --> 00:06:14,778
got this mantra or mindset perpetuate it.

181
00:06:15,699 --> 00:06:17,341
Because we're constantly making sure that

182
00:06:17,721 --> 00:06:19,221
we bring the appearance of I've got my

183
00:06:19,661 --> 00:06:20,463
shit together.

184
00:06:21,024 --> 00:06:21,803
Yeah.

185
00:06:21,884 --> 00:06:22,124
Right.

186
00:06:22,685 --> 00:06:25,447
So we keep fatigue private.

187
00:06:27,127 --> 00:06:29,009
We move past any self-doubt pretty

188
00:06:29,029 --> 00:06:29,430
quickly.

189
00:06:30,050 --> 00:06:31,812
We don't linger on decisions that carry

190
00:06:31,851 --> 00:06:33,593
weight because there's always another one

191
00:06:33,653 --> 00:06:34,053
waiting.

192
00:06:35,014 --> 00:06:37,456
And what makes this dangerous is that

193
00:06:37,937 --> 00:06:39,117
nothing breaks right away,

194
00:06:39,158 --> 00:06:40,199
but don't forget that.

195
00:06:40,913 --> 00:06:41,994
The pressure's building.

196
00:06:43,615 --> 00:06:44,815
The volcano's there,

197
00:06:44,896 --> 00:06:46,877
even if nobody notices it, right?

198
00:06:46,937 --> 00:06:47,978
I mean, right now, it's interesting.

199
00:06:48,038 --> 00:06:49,119
As we're recording this podcast,

200
00:06:49,139 --> 00:06:50,500
there's like multiple volcanoes,

201
00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:51,120
one in Hawaii,

202
00:06:51,180 --> 00:06:52,940
all over the world that are just kind

203
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:57,584
of interestingly erupting simultaneously.

204
00:06:58,024 --> 00:07:00,065
That was very kind of them to do

205
00:07:00,105 --> 00:07:03,067
this as an illustration for this podcast,

206
00:07:03,108 --> 00:07:03,288
right?

207
00:07:04,528 --> 00:07:05,709
But here's the reality.

208
00:07:06,331 --> 00:07:08,072
Everything may look okay on the surface,

209
00:07:08,091 --> 00:07:08,973
but internally...

210
00:07:09,860 --> 00:07:12,103
things are slowing down, right?

211
00:07:12,144 --> 00:07:14,646
That pressure that never has an

212
00:07:14,687 --> 00:07:18,711
appropriate release valve will build.

213
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:20,233
And it does take its toll.

214
00:07:20,293 --> 00:07:22,877
Processing slows down and gets postponed.

215
00:07:23,216 --> 00:07:24,538
Pressure has nowhere to go.

216
00:07:24,619 --> 00:07:25,579
So it goes, what?

217
00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:27,101
It actually goes underground.

218
00:07:27,141 --> 00:07:29,043
It actually pushes downward, right?

219
00:07:29,456 --> 00:07:31,637
right, and creates greater complications.

220
00:07:31,718 --> 00:07:33,999
It compounds everything in our life,

221
00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:35,819
as a matter of fact, right?

222
00:07:36,420 --> 00:07:38,262
It starts to shape tone, patience,

223
00:07:38,322 --> 00:07:39,983
and clarity, right?

224
00:07:40,142 --> 00:07:43,024
All of our superpowers begin to kind of

225
00:07:43,043 --> 00:07:45,324
feel like, man, where do they go?

226
00:07:46,005 --> 00:07:47,646
I don't have the capacity.

227
00:07:47,687 --> 00:07:49,947
I don't have the energy anymore.

228
00:07:50,408 --> 00:07:52,468
And this is how our leadership erodes

229
00:07:52,548 --> 00:07:54,029
quietly, right?

230
00:07:54,326 --> 00:07:55,166
quietly, right?

231
00:07:55,206 --> 00:07:56,247
Maybe we're not me.

232
00:07:56,427 --> 00:07:59,430
No, no,

233
00:07:59,449 --> 00:08:01,430
there's no martyrdom and complex in this

234
00:08:01,471 --> 00:08:02,130
guy right here.

235
00:08:02,151 --> 00:08:03,331
And this guy right now,

236
00:08:03,432 --> 00:08:04,593
I'm not going to suffer quietly.

237
00:08:04,612 --> 00:08:05,613
I had any suffering.

238
00:08:05,673 --> 00:08:06,935
I want everybody in the world.

239
00:08:07,134 --> 00:08:07,175
No.

240
00:08:09,182 --> 00:08:10,702
Anybody out there listening that knows me

241
00:08:10,742 --> 00:08:12,985
is like, that's the truth, right?

242
00:08:13,024 --> 00:08:14,245
So I have the opposite problem.

243
00:08:14,266 --> 00:08:16,108
Again, this podcast is not about me,

244
00:08:16,127 --> 00:08:17,028
but I just want to make sure we

245
00:08:17,048 --> 00:08:19,310
all understand that I'm speaking

246
00:08:19,350 --> 00:08:21,232
vicariously through the people that I've

247
00:08:21,252 --> 00:08:22,733
worked with over the years who do suffer

248
00:08:23,553 --> 00:08:24,435
from this, right?

249
00:08:24,855 --> 00:08:25,536
And again,

250
00:08:27,418 --> 00:08:29,178
we're not diminishing through failure

251
00:08:29,218 --> 00:08:30,819
necessarily, right?

252
00:08:31,141 --> 00:08:34,163
But through the slow accumulation of this

253
00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:36,806
pressure that we don't know how to

254
00:08:36,846 --> 00:08:38,486
ventilate appropriately, right?

255
00:08:38,626 --> 00:08:43,749
that's right and we often because this and

256
00:08:44,828 --> 00:08:46,089
this may come as a surprise to you

257
00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:47,830
because you and I Eric are similar in

258
00:08:47,870 --> 00:08:49,629
a lot of ways but I do do

259
00:08:49,671 --> 00:08:52,912
this I am this person and so what

260
00:08:52,971 --> 00:08:56,493
happens is I I I do got it

261
00:08:57,133 --> 00:09:00,453
but at what cost and um

262
00:09:02,318 --> 00:09:04,100
when the pressure starts to build,

263
00:09:04,279 --> 00:09:06,980
I often can't trace it back to the

264
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,120
source, right?

265
00:09:08,221 --> 00:09:10,520
It's so muddled in there.

266
00:09:10,681 --> 00:09:12,461
It's been so pushed down with so many

267
00:09:12,542 --> 00:09:14,682
other things that I can't trace it back

268
00:09:14,701 --> 00:09:15,202
to the source.

269
00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:19,543
And what people like us often tell

270
00:09:19,604 --> 00:09:22,085
ourselves is this is just the cost of

271
00:09:22,125 --> 00:09:22,625
leadership.

272
00:09:22,745 --> 00:09:24,184
This is what it means to be a

273
00:09:24,404 --> 00:09:26,186
leader.

274
00:09:26,206 --> 00:09:27,025
This is the cost.

275
00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:31,825
Which is a really dangerous statement and

276
00:09:32,404 --> 00:09:33,746
something I would love to eradicate from

277
00:09:33,787 --> 00:09:35,087
my own vocabulary.

278
00:09:35,248 --> 00:09:37,629
So how do we as leaders, Eric,

279
00:09:37,649 --> 00:09:38,811
start to tell the difference between

280
00:09:38,910 --> 00:09:43,054
healthy resilience and the pressure that

281
00:09:43,134 --> 00:09:44,975
this type of isolation,

282
00:09:45,056 --> 00:09:48,259
self-sufficiency syndrome builds?

283
00:09:48,298 --> 00:09:50,140
Because from the inside,

284
00:09:51,642 --> 00:09:53,302
it can almost feel identical for those of

285
00:09:53,342 --> 00:09:54,524
us that do this.

286
00:09:54,664 --> 00:09:54,745
Yeah.

287
00:09:56,433 --> 00:09:57,455
Okay, so, you know,

288
00:09:57,836 --> 00:09:59,339
in most of our conversations, right,

289
00:09:59,698 --> 00:10:00,902
when we are identifying

290
00:10:03,263 --> 00:10:05,344
the indicators of the problem that we're

291
00:10:05,364 --> 00:10:07,144
addressing so the indicators that we've

292
00:10:07,184 --> 00:10:11,126
talked about right uh the internal state

293
00:10:11,167 --> 00:10:14,509
of being the the prevailing emotions um

294
00:10:14,909 --> 00:10:17,610
the the the shift in our energy levels

295
00:10:17,831 --> 00:10:20,673
and and in our brain's capacity to process

296
00:10:20,732 --> 00:10:22,573
information and make decisions when we

297
00:10:22,594 --> 00:10:24,634
start we have to first and foremost we've

298
00:10:24,654 --> 00:10:26,135
got to pay attention to the indicators

299
00:10:26,655 --> 00:10:28,417
And we need a paradigm shift, right?

300
00:10:28,456 --> 00:10:29,177
Because like you said,

301
00:10:29,798 --> 00:10:32,099
the default is this is the cost of

302
00:10:32,139 --> 00:10:32,519
being a leader.

303
00:10:32,558 --> 00:10:33,859
This is the cost of being a mom.

304
00:10:34,059 --> 00:10:35,659
This is the cost of being a solopreneur.

305
00:10:35,860 --> 00:10:37,441
This is the cost of being a CEO

306
00:10:37,701 --> 00:10:39,581
or a president or an owner operator.

307
00:10:39,802 --> 00:10:41,342
This is the cost of being a director

308
00:10:41,722 --> 00:10:44,344
or managing a team, right?

309
00:10:44,364 --> 00:10:45,245
This is the cost.

310
00:10:45,284 --> 00:10:46,684
This is what comes with it.

311
00:10:46,706 --> 00:10:47,285
And I'm like, well, yeah,

312
00:10:47,625 --> 00:10:50,147
pressure does come with increased

313
00:10:50,206 --> 00:10:51,868
responsibility, right?

314
00:10:52,048 --> 00:10:55,529
But a pressure that leads to compounding

315
00:10:55,850 --> 00:10:59,491
destructive consequence is not.

316
00:10:59,552 --> 00:11:00,251
Yeah.

317
00:11:00,331 --> 00:11:02,972
Okay.

318
00:11:03,092 --> 00:11:08,535
Every leader that we connect with that

319
00:11:08,576 --> 00:11:12,217
eventually becomes a client,

320
00:11:12,278 --> 00:11:14,719
no matter how great of a team they

321
00:11:14,739 --> 00:11:14,839
have,

322
00:11:14,879 --> 00:11:16,679
no matter how big their organization is,

323
00:11:19,774 --> 00:11:24,495
will always share with us how lonely they

324
00:11:24,535 --> 00:11:24,836
feel.

325
00:11:24,916 --> 00:11:27,756
The solitude that comes with leadership

326
00:11:27,797 --> 00:11:28,476
responsibility.

327
00:11:28,537 --> 00:11:29,177
And guess what?

328
00:11:30,517 --> 00:11:32,878
That is a feature of leadership.

329
00:11:33,258 --> 00:11:34,998
It is oftentimes a lonely game.

330
00:11:35,238 --> 00:11:36,317
Because what I tell leaders is,

331
00:11:36,538 --> 00:11:38,099
regardless of your role of leadership in

332
00:11:38,119 --> 00:11:40,558
an organization, as a leader,

333
00:11:41,259 --> 00:11:43,419
there's nobody beneath you in that

334
00:11:43,460 --> 00:11:44,820
organization, down chain,

335
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:47,360
that can fully understand and appreciate

336
00:11:47,801 --> 00:11:49,160
the shoes that you have to walk in.

337
00:11:49,787 --> 00:11:50,729
That's right.

338
00:11:50,808 --> 00:11:51,850
Or the high heels that you have to

339
00:11:51,870 --> 00:11:54,855
run around in.

340
00:11:54,895 --> 00:11:56,619
They can maybe a little bit from afar,

341
00:11:56,639 --> 00:11:58,601
but nobody really knows what you're going

342
00:11:58,621 --> 00:12:00,365
through unless they're in that same exact

343
00:12:00,424 --> 00:12:01,145
role.

344
00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:01,427
Yeah.

345
00:12:02,323 --> 00:12:04,044
And it's so important for us to understand

346
00:12:04,804 --> 00:12:05,946
that we as human beings,

347
00:12:06,005 --> 00:12:07,666
we are social creatures.

348
00:12:07,706 --> 00:12:09,086
No matter if we're introverted,

349
00:12:09,386 --> 00:12:10,528
it doesn't matter our wiring,

350
00:12:10,548 --> 00:12:11,847
our personality, our strength finder,

351
00:12:11,908 --> 00:12:13,708
our Enneagram or whatever.

352
00:12:14,349 --> 00:12:15,649
The reality is as human beings,

353
00:12:16,289 --> 00:12:18,971
we are not designed to do life in

354
00:12:19,052 --> 00:12:19,751
isolation.

355
00:12:20,152 --> 00:12:22,072
And so when we find ourselves in roles

356
00:12:22,092 --> 00:12:24,774
and responsibilities that can create that

357
00:12:24,813 --> 00:12:25,394
experience,

358
00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:27,615
we have to all that much more be

359
00:12:27,916 --> 00:12:31,216
aware and careful and intentional about

360
00:12:32,264 --> 00:12:36,384
to create the opportunities for us to be

361
00:12:36,504 --> 00:12:40,386
seen, to be heard, to be valued.

362
00:12:41,086 --> 00:12:43,227
Someone the other day sent me a message

363
00:12:43,268 --> 00:12:43,888
saying, hey,

364
00:12:43,947 --> 00:12:45,168
you guys really talk a lot about this

365
00:12:45,227 --> 00:12:47,129
importance of people feeling seen, heard,

366
00:12:47,149 --> 00:12:47,369
and valued.

367
00:12:48,068 --> 00:12:50,230
It is one of the most fundamental needs

368
00:12:50,250 --> 00:12:51,770
that we as human beings have.

369
00:12:51,811 --> 00:12:52,671
It's true.

370
00:12:52,691 --> 00:12:54,370
Is to feel seen, heard, and valued.

371
00:12:54,991 --> 00:12:56,831
Not because we need someone to come and

372
00:12:56,892 --> 00:12:58,952
save us from our responsibility as a

373
00:12:59,033 --> 00:13:00,714
mother or father or as a leader in

374
00:13:00,734 --> 00:13:01,553
an organization.

375
00:13:03,243 --> 00:13:05,244
We're not looking for the escape route.

376
00:13:05,283 --> 00:13:06,945
Leadership is leadership and it comes with

377
00:13:06,965 --> 00:13:08,385
these pressures and it comes with an

378
00:13:08,525 --> 00:13:09,647
isolating experience.

379
00:13:10,527 --> 00:13:12,607
It's about recognizing that reality,

380
00:13:13,168 --> 00:13:15,590
not looking for someone to rescue us,

381
00:13:16,250 --> 00:13:18,711
but looking for what we all need as

382
00:13:18,751 --> 00:13:19,331
human beings,

383
00:13:19,371 --> 00:13:21,952
which is we need intentional release

384
00:13:22,133 --> 00:13:25,294
valves for the pressure before it blows

385
00:13:25,695 --> 00:13:27,296
up, right?

386
00:13:27,316 --> 00:13:28,437
So let me just say this.

387
00:13:30,249 --> 00:13:31,110
Our listeners don't know.

388
00:13:31,149 --> 00:13:31,769
We have notes.

389
00:13:31,830 --> 00:13:33,171
I'm so far off script right now,

390
00:13:33,191 --> 00:13:34,912
but I just found a way to get

391
00:13:34,932 --> 00:13:35,511
back on the road.

392
00:13:35,951 --> 00:13:37,613
So listen, here's the distinction.

393
00:13:41,195 --> 00:13:44,376
If we're not careful, we think of this.

394
00:13:45,256 --> 00:13:48,818
I got this mantra as an expression of

395
00:13:48,879 --> 00:13:50,900
strength and it is to some degree.

396
00:13:51,721 --> 00:13:53,261
But when we overplay it,

397
00:13:54,422 --> 00:13:57,943
it actually becomes a form of weakness

398
00:13:58,563 --> 00:14:00,625
because we can't shoulder all the pressure

399
00:14:00,705 --> 00:14:02,424
and the stress and the stuff we're going

400
00:14:02,445 --> 00:14:03,046
through alone.

401
00:14:03,586 --> 00:14:05,647
So it's not about our strength being the

402
00:14:05,706 --> 00:14:06,187
problem.

403
00:14:06,626 --> 00:14:09,808
It's that strength without the space and

404
00:14:09,828 --> 00:14:13,490
the permission and the guardrails to be

405
00:14:13,509 --> 00:14:15,091
able to relieve some of that pressure.

406
00:14:16,124 --> 00:14:17,683
That's what gets us in so much trouble,

407
00:14:18,284 --> 00:14:18,445
right?

408
00:14:18,485 --> 00:14:19,825
So leaders don't burn out because they're

409
00:14:19,884 --> 00:14:20,184
weak.

410
00:14:20,865 --> 00:14:22,785
They burn out because they carry that

411
00:14:22,826 --> 00:14:25,986
weight alone for way too long, right?

412
00:14:26,167 --> 00:14:27,106
And the irony is this,

413
00:14:27,147 --> 00:14:28,827
the more capable we appear,

414
00:14:29,347 --> 00:14:31,607
the less likely people are to offer

415
00:14:31,668 --> 00:14:36,330
support unless we deliberately ask for it,

416
00:14:37,029 --> 00:14:37,649
right?

417
00:14:37,690 --> 00:14:39,850
Resilience, let me just say this.

418
00:14:40,370 --> 00:14:41,691
I've got some quotable things that I wanna

419
00:14:41,711 --> 00:14:42,812
get out here, right?

420
00:14:44,991 --> 00:14:47,232
Resilience is not silence.

421
00:14:49,153 --> 00:14:52,475
Resilience is knowing where to relieve and

422
00:14:52,554 --> 00:14:54,416
how to relieve the pressures we're

423
00:14:54,436 --> 00:14:56,856
carrying appropriately so that they don't

424
00:14:56,897 --> 00:14:58,116
start coming out sideways.

425
00:14:59,238 --> 00:15:02,399
So the volcano doesn't have to blow.

426
00:15:02,639 --> 00:15:04,759
And when leaders don't have safe,

427
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,081
appropriate places to process,

428
00:15:08,061 --> 00:15:09,241
to leak out that pressure,

429
00:15:10,706 --> 00:15:12,489
it starts to come out sideways as

430
00:15:12,528 --> 00:15:15,711
impatience, intolerance, negativity,

431
00:15:16,873 --> 00:15:17,932
skewed perspective,

432
00:15:17,972 --> 00:15:20,655
distorted interpretations, right?

433
00:15:20,755 --> 00:15:22,236
Energy levels start to drop.

434
00:15:22,537 --> 00:15:22,998
And then,

435
00:15:23,378 --> 00:15:25,320
because I am very guilty of this,

436
00:15:27,432 --> 00:15:29,552
We're gonna find some way to medicate

437
00:15:29,572 --> 00:15:30,573
against that pressure.

438
00:15:31,673 --> 00:15:33,034
Find some way to escape.

439
00:15:33,355 --> 00:15:34,615
Talk about this all the time.

440
00:15:34,676 --> 00:15:35,096
As leaders,

441
00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:37,376
we need to know what are the defaults

442
00:15:37,397 --> 00:15:38,398
we're gonna run to?

443
00:15:38,597 --> 00:15:39,518
Is it alcohol?

444
00:15:39,857 --> 00:15:40,678
Is it drugs?

445
00:15:41,058 --> 00:15:42,539
Is it bingeing Netflix shows?

446
00:15:42,940 --> 00:15:44,581
Is it going on one more vacation?

447
00:15:45,020 --> 00:15:46,782
Is it just ignoring emails?

448
00:15:47,101 --> 00:15:49,123
Is it avoiding people in the office?

449
00:15:50,864 --> 00:15:51,924
We will find a way.

450
00:15:52,884 --> 00:15:53,884
to alleviate pressure.

451
00:15:53,943 --> 00:15:55,144
And if it's not intentional,

452
00:15:55,644 --> 00:15:56,684
we will do it by default.

453
00:15:56,745 --> 00:15:59,145
And usually those default patterns are

454
00:15:59,206 --> 00:16:00,947
only going to compound the problems that

455
00:16:00,986 --> 00:16:01,687
we're experiencing.

456
00:16:01,706 --> 00:16:02,527
So true.

457
00:16:02,606 --> 00:16:03,246
It's so true.

458
00:16:03,788 --> 00:16:05,868
But this is where a lot of us

459
00:16:05,908 --> 00:16:08,089
leaders can get afraid.

460
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:10,409
Some fear can start to show up for

461
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:15,552
us because we inappropriately believe that

462
00:16:16,451 --> 00:16:19,293
naming pressure reveals weakness.

463
00:16:20,788 --> 00:16:23,889
or that by deliberately asking for

464
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:24,471
support,

465
00:16:25,211 --> 00:16:26,892
it's going to undermine our authority,

466
00:16:27,893 --> 00:16:28,052
right?

467
00:16:28,092 --> 00:16:30,394
That if I admit that this feels heavy,

468
00:16:30,894 --> 00:16:32,836
people will not have confidence in my

469
00:16:32,876 --> 00:16:33,277
leadership.

470
00:16:33,437 --> 00:16:35,138
I should just be able to carry all

471
00:16:35,158 --> 00:16:36,759
this and more and all of the things

472
00:16:36,779 --> 00:16:37,759
that everybody piles on.

473
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:40,121
And if I ever admit that it's too

474
00:16:40,201 --> 00:16:43,965
heavy, does that mean I'm a bad leader?

475
00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:45,926
Are people going to question whether they

476
00:16:45,946 --> 00:16:46,767
should be following me?

477
00:16:47,861 --> 00:16:50,664
So what does it actually look like to

478
00:16:50,706 --> 00:16:54,110
create space for processing this stuff

479
00:16:55,410 --> 00:16:57,494
without losing our credibility?

480
00:16:57,734 --> 00:16:59,235
Yeah, yeah, I agree.

481
00:16:59,635 --> 00:17:01,899
Well, here's my recommendation.

482
00:17:04,423 --> 00:17:07,304
we should probably take to mediums like

483
00:17:07,403 --> 00:17:09,784
Instagram and Twitter and Facebook.

484
00:17:10,384 --> 00:17:12,744
And that's the space where we just air

485
00:17:12,984 --> 00:17:14,285
all of our dirty laundry.

486
00:17:14,325 --> 00:17:15,726
That's the place where we just tell

487
00:17:15,925 --> 00:17:18,865
everybody in the world about the hardships

488
00:17:18,885 --> 00:17:19,786
we're experiencing,

489
00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:21,406
about the suffering we're going through,

490
00:17:21,426 --> 00:17:23,406
about the pressure that we're carrying,

491
00:17:23,446 --> 00:17:25,508
about the weight that we're having to

492
00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:28,347
shoulder in our lives and in our business.

493
00:17:28,407 --> 00:17:28,868
Right, Dawn?

494
00:17:28,888 --> 00:17:29,189
I mean,

495
00:17:29,269 --> 00:17:30,288
isn't that what we're supposed to do?

496
00:17:30,308 --> 00:17:30,509
Yeah.

497
00:17:31,328 --> 00:17:34,270
Our lovely listeners do not know you as

498
00:17:34,330 --> 00:17:35,531
well as I do.

499
00:17:36,153 --> 00:17:38,954
Guys, he is...

500
00:17:38,974 --> 00:17:40,536
That was a bit of sarcasm.

501
00:17:40,615 --> 00:17:45,318
And I'm only saying that because I have

502
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:46,619
seen people...

503
00:17:47,621 --> 00:17:48,642
utilize this tactic.

504
00:17:48,682 --> 00:17:49,402
And sometimes I'm like,

505
00:17:49,422 --> 00:17:50,442
I don't know if that's for show,

506
00:17:50,481 --> 00:17:50,882
if it's just,

507
00:17:50,902 --> 00:17:52,343
they're just kind of more acting out

508
00:17:52,383 --> 00:17:54,663
something on social media.

509
00:17:54,703 --> 00:17:58,305
But I've seen people air a lot of

510
00:17:58,405 --> 00:18:00,385
stuff going on in their lives on social

511
00:18:00,405 --> 00:18:00,967
media platforms.

512
00:18:01,086 --> 00:18:03,587
And I just think this is not the

513
00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:04,708
right context, right?

514
00:18:04,728 --> 00:18:06,828
So I'm illustrating the extremes.

515
00:18:07,048 --> 00:18:08,349
One extreme is I got this.

516
00:18:08,410 --> 00:18:09,150
Nobody needs to know about it.

517
00:18:09,190 --> 00:18:10,230
Nobody needs to know I'm suffering.

518
00:18:10,269 --> 00:18:11,371
Nobody needs to be a part of this.

519
00:18:11,530 --> 00:18:13,811
I can handle it.

520
00:18:13,892 --> 00:18:14,771
I'm the reliable one.

521
00:18:14,832 --> 00:18:16,053
I'm the one that takes care of everything.

522
00:18:16,232 --> 00:18:16,553
I got it.

523
00:18:17,963 --> 00:18:22,767
The other extreme is there is no filter.

524
00:18:22,787 --> 00:18:24,267
There is no rhyme or reason.

525
00:18:24,287 --> 00:18:29,170
We are just indiscriminately spewing all

526
00:18:29,230 --> 00:18:32,531
of our internal pressure, frustration,

527
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:33,152
heartache,

528
00:18:33,271 --> 00:18:37,134
hardship onto anybody who will listen.

529
00:18:37,153 --> 00:18:39,414
That's the other extreme.

530
00:18:39,474 --> 00:18:40,516
I think our listeners...

531
00:18:42,182 --> 00:18:42,622
I don't think,

532
00:18:42,883 --> 00:18:45,984
I know our listeners are smart enough to

533
00:18:46,085 --> 00:18:47,826
understand those are the gutters on either

534
00:18:47,846 --> 00:18:48,906
side of the road that we want to

535
00:18:48,926 --> 00:18:49,047
be.

536
00:18:49,446 --> 00:18:50,748
So if it's not either of those extremes,

537
00:18:50,867 --> 00:18:51,489
what is it?

538
00:18:51,548 --> 00:18:53,430
So let me just offer to our listeners

539
00:18:55,330 --> 00:18:57,772
a pair of words that a mentor years

540
00:18:57,792 --> 00:19:00,394
ago shared with me that was so powerful.

541
00:19:00,434 --> 00:19:00,974
He said, Eric,

542
00:19:01,035 --> 00:19:03,196
you need to learn the practice of

543
00:19:03,277 --> 00:19:07,259
discipline and discretion.

544
00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:08,080
And I remember thinking,

545
00:19:08,201 --> 00:19:09,201
I don't know what you mean.

546
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:10,061
Yeah.

547
00:19:11,115 --> 00:19:11,496
And he said,

548
00:19:11,655 --> 00:19:12,896
I know you don't know what I mean,

549
00:19:12,936 --> 00:19:16,417
because what he explained to me was that

550
00:19:16,478 --> 00:19:17,719
I was living in either gutter.

551
00:19:17,739 --> 00:19:19,420
It's like, you're not good at this.

552
00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:20,779
This is how I know you don't know

553
00:19:20,799 --> 00:19:21,599
what it means.

554
00:19:21,619 --> 00:19:23,520
I either thought it was all about just,

555
00:19:23,601 --> 00:19:23,961
you know,

556
00:19:24,020 --> 00:19:25,821
keeping it all inside and never talking to

557
00:19:25,842 --> 00:19:26,942
anybody and just, you know,

558
00:19:26,982 --> 00:19:28,323
shouldering the weight and toughing it

559
00:19:28,502 --> 00:19:28,643
out.

560
00:19:29,784 --> 00:19:33,005
Or I would eventually pop and then like

561
00:19:33,204 --> 00:19:34,445
everybody in the world was going to know

562
00:19:34,465 --> 00:19:35,185
that I was suffering.

563
00:19:35,205 --> 00:19:35,306
Yeah.

564
00:19:37,615 --> 00:19:40,215
And I remember him saying to me and

565
00:19:40,336 --> 00:19:41,455
Eric, man,

566
00:19:41,615 --> 00:19:45,396
it is like a Shakespearean production when

567
00:19:45,436 --> 00:19:46,196
it comes out of you.

568
00:19:46,737 --> 00:19:48,737
It's like the woe is me and the

569
00:19:48,836 --> 00:19:51,577
long drawn out death and the, you know,

570
00:19:51,637 --> 00:19:52,698
it's like, it's dramatic.

571
00:19:52,718 --> 00:19:53,278
And I'm like, oh,

572
00:19:53,298 --> 00:19:55,459
I was so embarrassed when he shared this

573
00:19:55,499 --> 00:19:56,239
with me.

574
00:19:56,439 --> 00:19:56,679
He's like,

575
00:19:56,699 --> 00:19:58,159
so we've got to learn somewhere in the

576
00:19:58,179 --> 00:19:58,318
middle.

577
00:19:58,338 --> 00:19:59,720
What is discipline and discretion?

578
00:19:59,779 --> 00:20:02,980
Discipline and discretion is simply this.

579
00:20:03,019 --> 00:20:05,840
The practice of knowing yourself

580
00:20:06,683 --> 00:20:08,105
Who, what, where, when,

581
00:20:08,144 --> 00:20:11,847
and how to share the things that we're

582
00:20:11,907 --> 00:20:14,829
experiencing internally so that we can

583
00:20:14,890 --> 00:20:17,071
appropriately relieve pressure.

584
00:20:17,251 --> 00:20:19,594
It's a relief valve, right?

585
00:20:19,874 --> 00:20:21,375
There's a lot of obvious context.

586
00:20:21,756 --> 00:20:22,435
For some of us,

587
00:20:22,517 --> 00:20:25,078
we will go to therapy.

588
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:28,381
That can become a safe place where it's

589
00:20:28,401 --> 00:20:30,643
confidential and we can share.

590
00:20:30,702 --> 00:20:33,244
We might hire a leadership coach, right?

591
00:20:33,925 --> 00:20:35,666
someone with whom we have a confidentially

592
00:20:35,767 --> 00:20:38,209
safe space to just be messy,

593
00:20:38,249 --> 00:20:39,250
to let it out,

594
00:20:39,730 --> 00:20:41,231
to not have all the answers,

595
00:20:41,873 --> 00:20:43,134
to feel weak,

596
00:20:43,233 --> 00:20:44,414
even though that's not weakness,

597
00:20:44,434 --> 00:20:46,135
that's incredible strength and courage,

598
00:20:46,497 --> 00:20:49,759
but to let the feelings of weakness spill

599
00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:50,099
out,

600
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:54,584
but in a place where it's understood and

601
00:20:55,444 --> 00:20:57,988
the purpose of that place is you get

602
00:20:58,028 --> 00:20:58,568
to do that.

603
00:20:59,109 --> 00:21:00,471
I'm not going to carry that for you.

604
00:21:00,570 --> 00:21:03,034
I'm here to help you process what you're

605
00:21:03,054 --> 00:21:05,837
going through so that you can recalibrate

606
00:21:06,157 --> 00:21:07,220
and operate effectively.

607
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,281
There's an expressed purpose behind it,

608
00:21:09,541 --> 00:21:09,702
right?

609
00:21:10,544 --> 00:21:11,724
Now I'm going to go so far as

610
00:21:12,145 --> 00:21:13,267
for every one of us,

611
00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:16,750
Part of the discipline is in being

612
00:21:16,789 --> 00:21:17,490
intentional,

613
00:21:17,611 --> 00:21:20,373
choosing who are those people?

614
00:21:20,492 --> 00:21:21,294
Is it your spouse?

615
00:21:21,334 --> 00:21:22,994
Is it a really close friend?

616
00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:24,215
Is it a colleague?

617
00:21:24,455 --> 00:21:26,096
Now, with different people,

618
00:21:26,196 --> 00:21:28,499
we might have to be careful.

619
00:21:28,519 --> 00:21:28,818
Like, hey,

620
00:21:28,859 --> 00:21:30,039
I don't share as much with this person

621
00:21:30,079 --> 00:21:31,060
as I do with that person.

622
00:21:31,101 --> 00:21:32,061
It's not because I don't like you.

623
00:21:32,382 --> 00:21:33,823
It's because I want to make sure I

624
00:21:33,863 --> 00:21:34,903
stay within the realm of what's

625
00:21:34,943 --> 00:21:35,565
appropriate.

626
00:21:35,625 --> 00:21:38,326
Now, how do we determine appropriacy?

627
00:21:40,865 --> 00:21:42,988
Because there's healthy vulnerability and

628
00:21:43,028 --> 00:21:44,971
then there's toxic dysfunctional

629
00:21:44,990 --> 00:21:45,651
vulnerability.

630
00:21:46,593 --> 00:21:48,234
Getting on Instagram or Facebook to air

631
00:21:48,295 --> 00:21:51,298
out all your heartache and fears and

632
00:21:51,419 --> 00:21:54,303
anxiety and anger is what I call toxic

633
00:21:54,824 --> 00:21:55,404
vulnerability.

634
00:21:56,678 --> 00:21:58,338
You are burying a part of who you

635
00:21:58,519 --> 00:22:00,779
are in a way that is deeply inappropriate.

636
00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:03,481
In the same way that when we see

637
00:22:03,521 --> 00:22:05,522
people running down the road naked in

638
00:22:05,563 --> 00:22:06,002
public,

639
00:22:06,343 --> 00:22:08,124
we all kind of intuitively say that

640
00:22:08,183 --> 00:22:09,404
doesn't look right.

641
00:22:09,424 --> 00:22:11,705
I wish I wasn't.

642
00:22:12,006 --> 00:22:12,926
seeing this right now.

643
00:22:13,366 --> 00:22:15,288
You're revealing more of yourself right

644
00:22:15,328 --> 00:22:16,710
now than I feel comfortable with.

645
00:22:16,789 --> 00:22:18,832
Maybe in your significant relationship

646
00:22:18,852 --> 00:22:19,731
with a significant other,

647
00:22:19,751 --> 00:22:20,633
that would be appropriate.

648
00:22:21,012 --> 00:22:22,034
Maybe with your doctor,

649
00:22:22,074 --> 00:22:22,855
that would be appropriate.

650
00:22:22,875 --> 00:22:24,215
I'm just trying to illustrate so people

651
00:22:24,236 --> 00:22:26,258
get the understanding, right?

652
00:22:26,298 --> 00:22:28,940
So we've got to determine how much is

653
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:31,382
appropriate vulnerability with my boss,

654
00:22:31,541 --> 00:22:33,663
with my coworkers, with my subordinates,

655
00:22:34,023 --> 00:22:36,145
how much is healthy with my friends based

656
00:22:36,205 --> 00:22:37,227
on who those friends are.

657
00:22:37,767 --> 00:22:39,489
And then let me push it further.

658
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:42,784
What's the purpose of sharing?

659
00:22:43,625 --> 00:22:46,028
Is the purpose of sharing to...

660
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:50,883
ask for a particular help to, hey,

661
00:22:51,022 --> 00:22:52,163
I just need to get this off my

662
00:22:52,203 --> 00:22:52,544
chest.

663
00:22:52,904 --> 00:22:53,244
Hey,

664
00:22:53,984 --> 00:22:56,166
I'm actually looking for wisdom and

665
00:22:56,227 --> 00:22:58,248
discernment and some counsel,

666
00:22:59,328 --> 00:23:01,329
whatever the case is, right?

667
00:23:01,410 --> 00:23:04,112
There's an intentional invitation from

668
00:23:04,231 --> 00:23:06,173
somebody to help us relieve a bit of

669
00:23:06,193 --> 00:23:08,615
the pressure appropriately so that they

670
00:23:08,635 --> 00:23:10,676
can serve us as we're taking

671
00:23:10,737 --> 00:23:12,718
responsibility for our lives.

672
00:23:13,098 --> 00:23:14,759
We're owning what's going on.

673
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:16,740
Because we know ultimately we're the only

674
00:23:16,780 --> 00:23:18,281
ones who can sort through it.

675
00:23:19,402 --> 00:23:21,403
That's different to sharing with other

676
00:23:21,462 --> 00:23:22,864
people to make our problems their

677
00:23:22,903 --> 00:23:24,003
problems.

678
00:23:24,084 --> 00:23:24,545
Yep.

679
00:23:24,865 --> 00:23:26,325
Sharing with other people,

680
00:23:26,645 --> 00:23:29,047
hoping that just by ventilating out our

681
00:23:29,146 --> 00:23:31,788
issues that somehow they're magically

682
00:23:31,807 --> 00:23:32,608
going to get solved.

683
00:23:33,048 --> 00:23:33,189
Yep.

684
00:23:34,330 --> 00:23:36,291
That's not personal responsibility.

685
00:23:36,332 --> 00:23:37,632
That is not healthy.

686
00:23:38,051 --> 00:23:40,132
That is dysfunctional and that is toxic

687
00:23:40,232 --> 00:23:40,853
behavior.

688
00:23:41,452 --> 00:23:42,913
So let me just pause there, Dawn.

689
00:23:43,292 --> 00:23:44,894
Anything you would want to add to this

690
00:23:44,953 --> 00:23:46,814
conversation on discipline and discretion?

691
00:23:47,493 --> 00:23:53,155
Yeah, I think that that question,

692
00:23:53,715 --> 00:23:57,176
what do I actually need right now,

693
00:23:57,196 --> 00:23:58,436
is really significant.

694
00:23:58,477 --> 00:23:58,656
Yeah.

695
00:23:59,163 --> 00:24:03,326
And for those of us leaders who embody

696
00:24:03,425 --> 00:24:04,665
that I've got this,

697
00:24:05,186 --> 00:24:08,067
we don't often stop to ask that question.

698
00:24:09,808 --> 00:24:11,430
And so that's when we see things coming

699
00:24:11,509 --> 00:24:12,349
out sideways.

700
00:24:13,851 --> 00:24:16,951
Pausing in that moment when you feel the

701
00:24:17,031 --> 00:24:18,833
volcano rising in you,

702
00:24:18,853 --> 00:24:21,034
when you feel the pressure like a vice

703
00:24:21,114 --> 00:24:21,773
grip to say,

704
00:24:23,275 --> 00:24:25,056
what do I need right now?

705
00:24:26,796 --> 00:24:27,777
That is...

706
00:24:30,592 --> 00:24:32,733
the question that then leads us to the

707
00:24:32,773 --> 00:24:34,234
appropriate answer.

708
00:24:35,536 --> 00:24:36,957
If we don't pause there,

709
00:24:37,377 --> 00:24:38,699
we might end up oversharing.

710
00:24:38,759 --> 00:24:42,061
We might end up, frankly,

711
00:24:42,082 --> 00:24:43,282
in a scenario where you're like,

712
00:24:43,442 --> 00:24:45,904
I just needed a vent and now you're

713
00:24:45,924 --> 00:24:46,664
giving me advice.

714
00:24:46,704 --> 00:24:47,306
And frankly,

715
00:24:47,465 --> 00:24:48,727
I didn't come to you for advice.

716
00:24:48,807 --> 00:24:50,228
You know what I mean?

717
00:24:50,669 --> 00:24:53,411
We find ourselves not getting what we

718
00:24:53,471 --> 00:24:55,853
needed because we never stopped to ask the

719
00:24:55,893 --> 00:24:56,433
question.

720
00:24:57,869 --> 00:24:58,690
What do I need?

721
00:24:59,049 --> 00:25:00,570
What would be helpful right now?

722
00:25:00,871 --> 00:25:01,330
So good.

723
00:25:02,431 --> 00:25:02,830
So good.

724
00:25:02,931 --> 00:25:03,991
And that's a whole, I mean, gosh,

725
00:25:04,011 --> 00:25:06,932
we could really take this conversation

726
00:25:07,133 --> 00:25:08,553
into some deeper waters.

727
00:25:09,012 --> 00:25:12,973
I remember recently I was somewhere on the

728
00:25:13,013 --> 00:25:14,214
road in Atlanta, I think,

729
00:25:14,275 --> 00:25:15,694
and was meeting with some folks.

730
00:25:16,414 --> 00:25:17,915
And one of them said, you know what?

731
00:25:19,436 --> 00:25:21,417
between them and their significant other,

732
00:25:21,458 --> 00:25:21,738
they're saying,

733
00:25:22,219 --> 00:25:25,740
whatever we're kind of dumping on each

734
00:25:25,779 --> 00:25:27,000
other, kind of like just being messy,

735
00:25:27,020 --> 00:25:27,181
like,

736
00:25:27,421 --> 00:25:29,563
I need to be a little bit appropriately

737
00:25:29,623 --> 00:25:30,143
vulnerable.

738
00:25:30,962 --> 00:25:32,604
The question the other person asks is,

739
00:25:33,605 --> 00:25:34,585
I'd love for you to be able to

740
00:25:34,605 --> 00:25:36,506
share that with me.

741
00:25:36,826 --> 00:25:38,626
Are you looking to just be heard?

742
00:25:39,147 --> 00:25:39,567
Yeah.

743
00:25:39,728 --> 00:25:41,788
Are you looking to be helped?

744
00:25:42,589 --> 00:25:44,891
Are you looking to be healed?

745
00:25:45,171 --> 00:25:45,330
Like,

746
00:25:45,411 --> 00:25:46,551
you just need me to hug you and

747
00:25:46,592 --> 00:25:48,472
hold you and comfort you?

748
00:25:49,950 --> 00:25:52,371
Um, and by the way, men, uh,

749
00:25:52,451 --> 00:25:53,611
if your women are coming to you to

750
00:25:53,651 --> 00:25:54,751
dump some stuff, uh,

751
00:25:54,791 --> 00:25:55,971
it's more likely that they want to feel

752
00:25:56,071 --> 00:25:57,612
heard and healed and not helped.

753
00:25:57,932 --> 00:25:58,012
Um,

754
00:25:58,032 --> 00:25:59,633
that's a whole nother conversation for

755
00:25:59,653 --> 00:26:01,253
another time, but do you want to,

756
00:26:01,314 --> 00:26:02,074
do you just need to feel heard?

757
00:26:02,094 --> 00:26:03,213
Are you looking for help?

758
00:26:03,554 --> 00:26:04,473
You're looking for healing.

759
00:26:04,835 --> 00:26:05,575
And there was one other one.

760
00:26:05,615 --> 00:26:06,855
I can't remember one of our listeners out

761
00:26:06,894 --> 00:26:07,035
there.

762
00:26:07,055 --> 00:26:07,855
We'll, we'll send it to us,

763
00:26:08,195 --> 00:26:10,096
but it's just being intentional about what

764
00:26:10,115 --> 00:26:11,115
am I actually doing this for?

765
00:26:11,457 --> 00:26:13,156
If there's no intentionality about when,

766
00:26:13,237 --> 00:26:14,478
when we're dumping and where we're dumping

767
00:26:14,498 --> 00:26:15,577
with whom we're dumping and how we're

768
00:26:15,617 --> 00:26:16,097
dumping, um,

769
00:26:16,377 --> 00:26:19,842
We are almost certainly in jeopardy of

770
00:26:22,564 --> 00:26:23,986
dumping in the wrong way.

771
00:26:24,046 --> 00:26:24,185
Yeah.

772
00:26:25,790 --> 00:26:27,471
So let's hear some real life stories.

773
00:26:27,511 --> 00:26:29,733
Where have we seen this playing out

774
00:26:30,094 --> 00:26:30,693
lately?

775
00:26:31,055 --> 00:26:32,415
Yeah.

776
00:26:32,435 --> 00:26:35,037
So I remember a few years ago working

777
00:26:35,057 --> 00:26:38,299
with a client who had a reputation in

778
00:26:38,319 --> 00:26:41,461
the workplace for being that volcano,

779
00:26:41,561 --> 00:26:43,824
erupting and, you know,

780
00:26:44,223 --> 00:26:45,944
a terrible temper and would scream and

781
00:26:45,984 --> 00:26:46,625
yell and everything.

782
00:26:47,605 --> 00:26:49,426
He was constantly ventilating meetings.

783
00:26:49,446 --> 00:26:51,067
He'd ventilate his frustration with

784
00:26:51,087 --> 00:26:52,249
different departments and different

785
00:26:52,409 --> 00:26:53,049
personnel.

786
00:26:53,569 --> 00:26:54,971
And it was just like, it was crazy.

787
00:26:55,010 --> 00:26:55,131
Right.

788
00:26:55,191 --> 00:26:56,731
And so he was developing a reputation

789
00:26:56,751 --> 00:26:58,292
where people felt afraid to be around him.

790
00:26:58,393 --> 00:26:59,413
They didn't want to trust him.

791
00:27:01,394 --> 00:27:01,775
He was,

792
00:27:02,454 --> 00:27:04,056
people felt he was erratic and

793
00:27:04,196 --> 00:27:04,717
unpredictable.

794
00:27:06,339 --> 00:27:07,961
And so when we started working together,

795
00:27:08,540 --> 00:27:09,721
he was a part of this executive team

796
00:27:09,741 --> 00:27:10,201
I was working with.

797
00:27:10,221 --> 00:27:11,162
We started doing some one-on-one.

798
00:27:11,182 --> 00:27:11,782
I said, hey, man,

799
00:27:12,702 --> 00:27:14,263
are you aware this is kind of a

800
00:27:14,304 --> 00:27:15,463
reputation that you have here in the

801
00:27:15,483 --> 00:27:17,144
organization?

802
00:27:17,164 --> 00:27:20,126
Okay, okay, okay, hold on.

803
00:27:20,146 --> 00:27:22,548
Can you accept the possibility that people

804
00:27:22,587 --> 00:27:24,249
are experiencing you in a way that's not

805
00:27:24,328 --> 00:27:24,648
helpful?

806
00:27:25,882 --> 00:27:27,863
that's leading to this perspective of you.

807
00:27:27,883 --> 00:27:28,942
And he's like, yeah, I'm open to that.

808
00:27:28,982 --> 00:27:30,064
So let's just,

809
00:27:30,084 --> 00:27:31,104
let's start talking about that.

810
00:27:31,364 --> 00:27:34,744
And so we started meeting regularly and I

811
00:27:35,185 --> 00:27:37,246
was just asking simple questions like,

812
00:27:37,286 --> 00:27:37,546
hey,

813
00:27:38,787 --> 00:27:40,386
why do you feel so upset about that?

814
00:27:40,688 --> 00:27:42,728
Why is that so, you know,

815
00:27:42,847 --> 00:27:44,088
send you into a rage?

816
00:27:44,509 --> 00:27:45,128
What's going on?

817
00:27:45,269 --> 00:27:46,710
And what happened was little by little,

818
00:27:47,522 --> 00:27:49,265
as we started to peel back the layers

819
00:27:49,305 --> 00:27:50,625
of the onion, as they say.

820
00:27:50,946 --> 00:27:51,707
Like Shrek.

821
00:27:52,407 --> 00:27:54,911
And as he grew in trust for me,

822
00:27:54,951 --> 00:27:56,833
he started sharing some deeper things

823
00:27:56,853 --> 00:27:58,153
about stuff going on in his family,

824
00:27:58,173 --> 00:27:59,256
his extended family.

825
00:28:01,221 --> 00:28:03,863
stuff going on in politics social issues i

826
00:28:04,242 --> 00:28:06,223
mean this and what i here's what i

827
00:28:06,243 --> 00:28:08,904
realized this guy's got a lot going on

828
00:28:08,944 --> 00:28:10,605
internally not to mention he played a very

829
00:28:10,625 --> 00:28:12,047
high role in the company and carried a

830
00:28:12,086 --> 00:28:15,048
significant responsibility for the success

831
00:28:15,088 --> 00:28:16,690
of that company but it was like there

832
00:28:16,710 --> 00:28:18,411
was so much going on in his internal

833
00:28:18,431 --> 00:28:21,272
world and as i just gave created space

834
00:28:21,952 --> 00:28:23,594
for him to share those things

835
00:28:25,066 --> 00:28:27,826
You know, you could feel the pressure,

836
00:28:28,166 --> 00:28:30,628
like the pressure valve opening and some

837
00:28:30,669 --> 00:28:31,848
of that pressure coming out.

838
00:28:32,670 --> 00:28:36,010
And so that's when at one point in

839
00:28:36,131 --> 00:28:37,791
one of those sessions, I had to say,

840
00:28:37,852 --> 00:28:37,991
hey,

841
00:28:38,271 --> 00:28:40,032
I want you to understand what I'm doing

842
00:28:40,053 --> 00:28:40,432
with you.

843
00:28:40,854 --> 00:28:43,035
What I'm doing for you is modeling in

844
00:28:43,095 --> 00:28:45,455
this space, right,

845
00:28:45,556 --> 00:28:47,896
the practice of discipline and discretion,

846
00:28:47,916 --> 00:28:48,057
right?

847
00:28:49,678 --> 00:28:51,579
Your company pays me to coach you.

848
00:28:52,381 --> 00:28:54,903
And we haven't agreed upon expectation of

849
00:28:54,943 --> 00:28:56,404
the dynamic of our relationship.

850
00:28:56,445 --> 00:28:57,366
I'm not a therapist.

851
00:28:57,507 --> 00:28:58,988
So I'm not trying to take you in

852
00:28:59,008 --> 00:29:00,068
to help you understand everything that's

853
00:29:00,088 --> 00:29:01,931
going on in your past and untangle

854
00:29:01,971 --> 00:29:03,292
whatever's been tangled up from your

855
00:29:03,373 --> 00:29:03,932
childhood.

856
00:29:04,354 --> 00:29:04,634
Right.

857
00:29:05,255 --> 00:29:07,156
We're not looking in the rear view mirror.

858
00:29:07,257 --> 00:29:08,178
We're going through the windshield.

859
00:29:08,198 --> 00:29:09,239
Like we're going forward, not through it,

860
00:29:09,278 --> 00:29:10,660
but we're moving forward.

861
00:29:10,941 --> 00:29:11,741
How do we move forward?

862
00:29:12,882 --> 00:29:13,722
In doing that,

863
00:29:14,022 --> 00:29:16,223
you're experiencing pressure in so many

864
00:29:16,263 --> 00:29:16,723
areas of your life.

865
00:29:16,804 --> 00:29:18,164
And if you don't have the appropriate

866
00:29:18,204 --> 00:29:21,306
places where you know that you can,

867
00:29:22,326 --> 00:29:23,807
with the right people, in the right way,

868
00:29:23,826 --> 00:29:26,729
at the right time, in the right place,

869
00:29:27,888 --> 00:29:30,089
ventilate this pressure and it bottles up.

870
00:29:30,130 --> 00:29:30,990
You're like a volcano.

871
00:29:31,030 --> 00:29:31,790
You just keep blowing up.

872
00:29:31,830 --> 00:29:33,531
That's right.

873
00:29:34,675 --> 00:29:35,997
And he's like, I totally agree.

874
00:29:36,616 --> 00:29:36,997
And I said,

875
00:29:37,076 --> 00:29:38,938
you have to learn that you're not always

876
00:29:38,998 --> 00:29:41,498
looking for a solution when you kind of

877
00:29:41,538 --> 00:29:42,499
ventilate that pressure.

878
00:29:42,519 --> 00:29:44,199
You're not always looking for an answer.

879
00:29:45,039 --> 00:29:46,319
You're certainly not looking for me to

880
00:29:46,359 --> 00:29:47,421
solve your problems because I'm never

881
00:29:47,461 --> 00:29:48,080
going to do that.

882
00:29:48,820 --> 00:29:50,461
You're just looking, you need a safe,

883
00:29:50,541 --> 00:29:53,022
appropriate place where you can alleviate

884
00:29:53,063 --> 00:29:54,522
the pressures that are going on for you,

885
00:29:55,042 --> 00:29:56,923
where you can feel seen, heard,

886
00:29:56,943 --> 00:29:59,404
and valued and appreciated, right?

887
00:30:01,209 --> 00:30:02,411
Where when it's appropriate,

888
00:30:02,490 --> 00:30:05,194
I will ask questions to help you think

889
00:30:05,234 --> 00:30:06,297
more deeply about something.

890
00:30:06,717 --> 00:30:08,619
Or there will be times where I will

891
00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:11,084
offer some recommendations about how to

892
00:30:11,144 --> 00:30:12,425
handle a situation.

893
00:30:12,886 --> 00:30:14,970
Or sometimes I'll just kind of remind you,

894
00:30:15,029 --> 00:30:15,751
this is hard.

895
00:30:17,089 --> 00:30:18,111
I mean,

896
00:30:18,131 --> 00:30:20,231
what I was doing was basically helping him

897
00:30:20,251 --> 00:30:21,613
discern, do you just need to be hurt?

898
00:30:21,772 --> 00:30:22,534
Do you need help?

899
00:30:22,693 --> 00:30:23,473
Do you need healing?

900
00:30:24,335 --> 00:30:26,895
And what's interesting is we did that on

901
00:30:26,915 --> 00:30:27,797
a weekly basis.

902
00:30:28,136 --> 00:30:29,978
It was like more and more the pressure

903
00:30:29,998 --> 00:30:32,079
was alleviated.

904
00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:34,300
The volcano wasn't at any moment ready to

905
00:30:34,361 --> 00:30:34,942
explode.

906
00:30:34,961 --> 00:30:37,383
But I had a teacher who said, listen,

907
00:30:37,843 --> 00:30:39,203
you're paying me to do this,

908
00:30:39,243 --> 00:30:40,924
but you need to think about the people

909
00:30:40,944 --> 00:30:41,685
in your life.

910
00:30:42,365 --> 00:30:43,866
whether it's your spouse or some good

911
00:30:43,906 --> 00:30:46,607
friends or anybody in the workplace that

912
00:30:46,627 --> 00:30:48,909
you feel like this is a safe person

913
00:30:48,929 --> 00:30:49,808
that I,

914
00:30:49,909 --> 00:30:51,029
and the appropriate time and the

915
00:30:51,049 --> 00:30:53,111
appropriate way just need to say,

916
00:30:53,230 --> 00:30:55,632
I need some space to,

917
00:30:55,652 --> 00:30:56,511
to open the release,

918
00:30:57,031 --> 00:30:59,053
the pressure valve so that I can just

919
00:30:59,432 --> 00:31:02,153
get back to neutral.

920
00:31:02,253 --> 00:31:03,974
Yeah, absolutely.

921
00:31:05,155 --> 00:31:05,435
Um,

922
00:31:05,576 --> 00:31:07,856
I just want to share how this plays

923
00:31:07,916 --> 00:31:10,917
out for me personally because, uh,

924
00:31:12,195 --> 00:31:14,238
this is something that I can struggle

925
00:31:14,258 --> 00:31:14,538
with.

926
00:31:14,778 --> 00:31:18,662
And recently I've been processing through

927
00:31:18,761 --> 00:31:21,203
a lot of this stuff of feeling like

928
00:31:21,384 --> 00:31:22,265
it's all up to me.

929
00:31:22,565 --> 00:31:24,007
I've got to got this.

930
00:31:24,967 --> 00:31:30,251
And so I identify those people in my

931
00:31:30,311 --> 00:31:33,775
life and I set up regular engagement so

932
00:31:33,815 --> 00:31:35,517
that I know I'm going to get

933
00:31:37,054 --> 00:31:37,515
What I need.

934
00:31:37,575 --> 00:31:39,617
What I need is available to me.

935
00:31:39,778 --> 00:31:40,900
And truth be told,

936
00:31:40,940 --> 00:31:42,442
I don't always know what I need,

937
00:31:42,582 --> 00:31:45,125
but I have some safe people that I

938
00:31:45,165 --> 00:31:47,288
can go to when I'm like,

939
00:31:48,384 --> 00:31:49,825
okay, I just need to get this out.

940
00:31:50,365 --> 00:31:52,066
So my spouse, my husband,

941
00:31:52,405 --> 00:31:53,185
he's one of them,

942
00:31:53,586 --> 00:31:55,467
but I don't go to him for everything.

943
00:31:55,487 --> 00:31:56,166
Just like you said,

944
00:31:56,227 --> 00:31:58,167
sometimes I just need him to hear me

945
00:31:58,208 --> 00:31:58,867
and heal me, right?

946
00:31:58,968 --> 00:31:59,667
I just need a hug.

947
00:32:00,209 --> 00:32:01,788
I don't need his advice all the time.

948
00:32:03,028 --> 00:32:04,789
Sometimes I do because we are partners.

949
00:32:04,829 --> 00:32:05,990
And so I can go to him with

950
00:32:06,109 --> 00:32:09,030
what are those things about our family,

951
00:32:09,070 --> 00:32:11,271
this family system that is creating that

952
00:32:11,311 --> 00:32:12,751
pressure on me and how can we partner

953
00:32:12,771 --> 00:32:14,413
together to accomplish this more

954
00:32:14,432 --> 00:32:14,692
successfully.

955
00:32:15,070 --> 00:32:17,571
successfully um but the other person that

956
00:32:17,592 --> 00:32:19,912
i go to is my best friend of

957
00:32:19,951 --> 00:32:21,031
twenty years and we talk on the phone

958
00:32:21,071 --> 00:32:24,853
almost every day and we intentionally

959
00:32:24,913 --> 00:32:29,894
create space for each other to to do

960
00:32:29,914 --> 00:32:33,556
what needs to get done and um yesterday

961
00:32:33,596 --> 00:32:37,115
we were having a very uh deep conversation

962
00:32:37,135 --> 00:32:38,717
about some stuff that she was processing

963
00:32:38,757 --> 00:32:40,777
in her life and and we do this

964
00:32:40,817 --> 00:32:42,258
back and forth and she said to me

965
00:32:43,178 --> 00:32:43,298
um

966
00:32:44,192 --> 00:32:45,875
I don't need your opinion on what I'm

967
00:32:45,894 --> 00:32:46,875
about to share with you.

968
00:32:47,776 --> 00:32:51,118
I just need you to know that this

969
00:32:51,159 --> 00:32:55,461
is happening and support me.

970
00:32:55,583 --> 00:32:58,045
And so then we paused and she shared

971
00:32:58,085 --> 00:32:59,165
what she needed to share.

972
00:32:59,246 --> 00:33:00,487
And afterwards I said,

973
00:33:01,548 --> 00:33:03,828
I'm so grateful that you were able to

974
00:33:03,970 --> 00:33:05,330
ask for what you needed.

975
00:33:05,351 --> 00:33:05,471
Mm-hmm.

976
00:33:07,009 --> 00:33:08,830
Because then I was able to partner you

977
00:33:08,911 --> 00:33:11,352
in a way that felt successful for both

978
00:33:11,392 --> 00:33:13,074
of us, right?

979
00:33:13,094 --> 00:33:15,154
Because regardless,

980
00:33:15,234 --> 00:33:16,736
if we don't know what we need,

981
00:33:16,756 --> 00:33:17,896
this goes back to that statement.

982
00:33:17,936 --> 00:33:18,998
If we don't know what we need,

983
00:33:20,199 --> 00:33:22,921
we will often find ourselves getting what

984
00:33:22,980 --> 00:33:23,781
we didn't need.

985
00:33:24,241 --> 00:33:25,502
That's right.

986
00:33:25,563 --> 00:33:27,763
Not because the other person is malicious,

987
00:33:27,865 --> 00:33:29,425
but because they're trying to help or

988
00:33:29,445 --> 00:33:30,666
they're trying to solve the problem or

989
00:33:30,686 --> 00:33:33,229
they're trying to whatever.

990
00:33:33,308 --> 00:33:34,589
And that's actually not what we needed in

991
00:33:34,630 --> 00:33:35,029
the moment.

992
00:33:35,531 --> 00:33:37,093
That's so good.

993
00:33:37,113 --> 00:33:37,772
It's interesting, Don,

994
00:33:37,792 --> 00:33:39,053
because even in our team,

995
00:33:39,692 --> 00:33:40,854
you and I do this for each other.

996
00:33:40,874 --> 00:33:42,834
Like we were just on a trip where

997
00:33:42,854 --> 00:33:44,694
we flew out together across the country

998
00:33:44,734 --> 00:33:46,275
and stayed, you know,

999
00:33:47,776 --> 00:33:50,517
traveling to and from the location where

1000
00:33:50,537 --> 00:33:51,876
we were working with the client and then

1001
00:33:51,916 --> 00:33:52,696
sharing meals.

1002
00:33:53,978 --> 00:33:54,157
And

1003
00:33:54,938 --> 00:33:56,220
There were multiple times where one of us

1004
00:33:56,240 --> 00:33:56,701
was like, hey,

1005
00:33:56,721 --> 00:33:57,862
can I process something with you?

1006
00:33:58,083 --> 00:33:59,305
Hey, I want to bring something up.

1007
00:34:00,006 --> 00:34:01,508
We call them Kairos moments in our

1008
00:34:01,548 --> 00:34:04,090
language in the Empower ecosystem.

1009
00:34:04,432 --> 00:34:06,835
But some Kairos moments,

1010
00:34:07,256 --> 00:34:08,878
these things that we're dealing with come

1011
00:34:08,898 --> 00:34:09,458
with different

1012
00:34:10,463 --> 00:34:11,364
Amounts of pressure.

1013
00:34:11,384 --> 00:34:12,025
Yeah.

1014
00:34:12,224 --> 00:34:13,525
And I know I've done this with aura

1015
00:34:13,545 --> 00:34:15,226
and, and, you know, and obviously with,

1016
00:34:15,425 --> 00:34:16,606
I do this a lot with my wife

1017
00:34:16,626 --> 00:34:18,086
and I have my older brother who he

1018
00:34:18,106 --> 00:34:19,407
and I have a long track record of

1019
00:34:19,447 --> 00:34:20,068
doing this for each other.

1020
00:34:20,108 --> 00:34:21,728
I've had mentors in different seasons who

1021
00:34:21,768 --> 00:34:22,268
provided this.

1022
00:34:23,469 --> 00:34:26,750
But it's just so important because as, as,

1023
00:34:26,829 --> 00:34:27,969
as human beings in life,

1024
00:34:27,989 --> 00:34:28,811
we're just going to realize,

1025
00:34:28,831 --> 00:34:29,710
I don't care what your role and

1026
00:34:29,751 --> 00:34:30,490
responsibility is,

1027
00:34:31,010 --> 00:34:32,172
but as we go through life,

1028
00:34:32,311 --> 00:34:33,452
pressure does not diminish.

1029
00:34:33,532 --> 00:34:34,552
It increases.

1030
00:34:34,572 --> 00:34:34,932
Right.

1031
00:34:34,952 --> 00:34:35,112
Right.

1032
00:34:36,090 --> 00:34:39,451
And we need to be intentional to not

1033
00:34:39,510 --> 00:34:41,030
fall into the, I've got this,

1034
00:34:41,490 --> 00:34:43,072
don't worry about it, I'm superhuman,

1035
00:34:43,632 --> 00:34:46,112
or I'm just going to indiscriminately spew

1036
00:34:46,192 --> 00:34:49,213
all my troubles into everybody's world.

1037
00:34:50,152 --> 00:34:52,054
How do we live in that lane where

1038
00:34:53,173 --> 00:34:55,394
we take responsibility for the need that

1039
00:34:55,414 --> 00:34:57,835
we have to feel seen, heard, and valued,

1040
00:34:58,355 --> 00:35:00,476
to identify the people with whom we can

1041
00:35:03,519 --> 00:35:05,202
we can open that release valve

1042
00:35:05,222 --> 00:35:09,068
appropriately and ask for what we need so

1043
00:35:09,108 --> 00:35:12,452
that we can

1044
00:35:14,016 --> 00:35:19,219
sustain a healthier way of operating right

1045
00:35:19,239 --> 00:35:20,121
that's what we're looking for a

1046
00:35:20,181 --> 00:35:24,264
sustainable way of operating in health so

1047
00:35:24,643 --> 00:35:26,686
all right let me pause here for our

1048
00:35:26,706 --> 00:35:28,086
listeners you know now we've been doing

1049
00:35:28,106 --> 00:35:29,867
this for for a while on this podcast

1050
00:35:29,887 --> 00:35:30,929
we want to just we want to give

1051
00:35:30,989 --> 00:35:32,389
you a moment because you've heard a lot

1052
00:35:32,429 --> 00:35:34,452
of great information and questions and

1053
00:35:34,751 --> 00:35:37,634
illustrations and stories um and but we

1054
00:35:37,673 --> 00:35:38,695
know that you're not going to remember at

1055
00:35:38,755 --> 00:35:39,596
all so we want to give you a

1056
00:35:39,655 --> 00:35:41,097
moment to just reflect on

1057
00:35:41,476 --> 00:35:43,199
What's your one big takeaway from this

1058
00:35:43,239 --> 00:35:44,221
podcast episode?

1059
00:35:44,300 --> 00:35:45,422
What's the one thing that if you could

1060
00:35:45,842 --> 00:35:46,422
take it with you,

1061
00:35:46,463 --> 00:35:47,264
put it in your pocket?

1062
00:35:47,465 --> 00:35:49,686
It could be an idea, a practical tool.

1063
00:35:49,748 --> 00:35:51,389
It could be something that you want to

1064
00:35:51,429 --> 00:35:52,650
try out, whatever it is.

1065
00:35:52,710 --> 00:35:55,514
We want to encourage you to just consider

1066
00:35:55,534 --> 00:35:56,896
what that is for a few moments,

1067
00:35:57,496 --> 00:35:58,798
and then we'll close up this episode.

1068
00:36:22,875 --> 00:36:23,275
All right.

1069
00:36:23,315 --> 00:36:23,476
Well,

1070
00:36:23,615 --> 00:36:26,579
if this episode put a finger on something

1071
00:36:26,599 --> 00:36:28,800
that you have been struggling with,

1072
00:36:28,860 --> 00:36:29,983
a personal pressure point,

1073
00:36:30,443 --> 00:36:31,784
we'd love to invite you to go deeper

1074
00:36:31,885 --> 00:36:32,244
in that.

1075
00:36:32,364 --> 00:36:34,266
You can connect with us on social media.

1076
00:36:34,306 --> 00:36:36,590
You can connect with us in our monthly

1077
00:36:36,650 --> 00:36:37,570
masterclasses,

1078
00:36:37,831 --> 00:36:38,592
as the name would recommend.

1079
00:36:38,853 --> 00:36:40,896
would suggest they happen monthly.

1080
00:36:41,315 --> 00:36:42,737
You can find more information about what's

1081
00:36:42,757 --> 00:36:45,318
happening next there by going to

1082
00:36:45,559 --> 00:36:48,501
mpwrcoaching.com slash masterclass,

1083
00:36:49,123 --> 00:36:50,224
or you can find the details in the

1084
00:36:50,244 --> 00:36:50,764
show notes.

1085
00:36:51,164 --> 00:36:52,806
We love the opportunity to connect

1086
00:36:52,985 --> 00:36:54,947
face-to-face with our listeners,

1087
00:36:55,527 --> 00:36:56,429
and we'd love to have you with us.

1088
00:36:57,226 --> 00:36:59,387
We're so grateful that you decide to spend

1089
00:36:59,467 --> 00:37:01,228
time with us in this podcast.

1090
00:37:01,907 --> 00:37:03,987
And our greatest hope is that you find

1091
00:37:04,047 --> 00:37:05,447
encouragement, inspiration,

1092
00:37:06,148 --> 00:37:08,009
that you feel challenged and pushed to

1093
00:37:08,028 --> 00:37:09,429
become a better version of yourself,

1094
00:37:09,929 --> 00:37:10,989
and that you might feel a little bit

1095
00:37:11,028 --> 00:37:12,510
more equipped after listening to these

1096
00:37:12,550 --> 00:37:12,989
podcasts.

1097
00:37:13,710 --> 00:37:15,650
If you know somebody who might benefit

1098
00:37:15,730 --> 00:37:17,570
from the conversation that you've listened

1099
00:37:17,630 --> 00:37:18,210
in on today,

1100
00:37:18,650 --> 00:37:19,990
then we want to encourage you to share

1101
00:37:20,030 --> 00:37:21,971
this episode with them.

1102
00:37:22,590 --> 00:37:23,851
And as usual,

1103
00:37:23,911 --> 00:37:25,311
we're going to very much look forward to

1104
00:37:25,331 --> 00:37:26,032
seeing you next time.