303. The psychology of chronic apologising

00:00:04
Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology.

00:00:23
Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here. Back for another episode as we, of course break down the Psychology of our twenties. Before we begin, I wanted to talk about my other podcast, Mantra for just a second. For those of you who don't know, this is actually not my only podcast. It might come as a little bit of a surprise. I don't think I talk about it nearly as much as I should, But I do have another show called Mantra, where each Monday I talk about my mantra for the week and how I want it to essentially guide me. It is like the Psychology of Your Twenties, but it's kind of more spiritual and philosophical, and it basically serves as a mental reset before you start your week, before you have to deal with work, with responsibilities, with family, friendship, drama, whatever it is. So the episodes go for around thirty minutes, and they include evidence backed mental exercises for really powerful mindset shifts, journal prompts, a dive into wisdom from really great thinkers. Plus also just like personal stories from me as well, and some of the mantras that I've done recently that I really really like and that I think will resonate with you include things like I allow myself to be happy with what I have, I make the best decisions with what I know now, and I know that love won't past me. There's so many more. So this is my ask of you today, If you love the Psycho of your twenties, give Mantra a listen. Just try one episode, see what you think. It is very much a passion project for me right now. So if you have feedback, if you have mantras that you think I should do, if you have a deep thought or dilemma that's been sitting heavy on your soul, I'd love to hear it. I'd love to cover it. So I'll leave a link in the episode description. But again, thank you so much for giving it a listen. Let's get back to the show and what we're talking about today. Let me ask you a question, how many times a day. Do you think you say sorry five times, ten times, maybe in nearly every single sentence. Sorry is definitely one of the most important words in the human language. I think it is also one of the most overused. We say it constantly in emails, in texts, in relationships, at work, when we cut someone off, when we speak up, when we take up space, even when we haven't done anything wrong. It becomes this like automatic filler word for us, a stand in for like please excuse me, for don't hate me. And for some of us, the word sorry is kind of part of who we are and how we present ourselves. It's almost protective, like we say it constantly, and I think that reveals a lot about our insecurity, is our fear, our conditioning, And it can also become, let's be real, completely exhausting. If I'm being honest, I used to do this all the time. I still catch myself doing it more than I'd like. Obviously, it's super normal to say sorry when you do something wrong and you want to express genuine remorse. But I find that I say sorry in situations where it's not necessary. I'm not actually sorry, and in fact someone else, maybe even Owes me an apology. This habit has a name. It's called chronic apologizing, the reflexive, often unconscious habit of saying sorry for things that don't require an apology, and it is a pattern that many of us fall into. And for something so small and seemingly polite, chronic apologizing can actually have a negative impact on our lives and a really negative impact on how we view ourselves and also how others view us. So in this episode, we are going to unpack all of it, what chronic apologizing actually looks like, the psychological roots of this habit, from attachment theory to early life experiences, how it changes how people see you in very strange ways that you probably don't know. And most importantly, I think, how we can break this cycle by actually rewriting our internal scripts for taking up space, for being authentic, for just simply existing. How we can change our internal scripts for expressing ourselves instead of hiding behind this very innocuous, you know, self preservation tool. So, just like all of our episodes, this isn't about shaming. It's not to make you feel bad for doing something that probably feels second nature. It's about just understanding this habit and gaining some clarity and understanding why. So, without further ado, let's get into the psychology of chronic apologizing. Let's lay the groundwork to begin with, what do we actually mean when we say that someone is a chronic apologizer. Now, obviously, there is nothing wrong with a good genuine apology. Apologies are essential in relationships because they repair, they're humbling, they show compromise. But there is a difference between saying I'm sorry, I sincerely accept that I have done the wrong thing and just saying oh, sorry, I did this, Sorry I did that. Sorry, as like a blanket statement for please don't hate me. So, a genuine apology has a few core ingredients, and an article from Harvard titled The Art of a Heartfelt Apology actually really lays this out. So they say that psychologically, a heartfelt apology has four main things. Firstly, it acknowledges that the offense took place, and it takes responsibility for the offense. It explains what happened without excusing it. It expresses sincere remorse, and it offers to make amends. For example, a sincere apology is something like I'm sorry, I was late, I acknowledge I'm late traffic was insane, But I should have left earlier and it won't happen again. That's good. That's taking ownership. And when you actually then end up doing something on your promise to not let it happen again, that's even better. But when you're apologizing constantly for just existing, for speaking, for needing things, it starts to become something that is a skeleton of that and at its call chronic apologizing. It's basically when we say sorry so frequently that it begins to lose its meaning and that it becomes a reflex. So think of it almost like a filler word. So just a normal sentence like can I just say something quickly? We have to begin with sorry. Can I just say something quickly before you've even said the thing? Am I bothering you? Sorry? Am I bothering you? I didn't mean to take up so much time. Sorry, I didn't mean to take up so much time. Can I just grab that item? Sorry? Can I just grab that item? It's this word that we place in front of all sentences where we're asking permission, almost to kind of say to someone I don't mean to cause offense, don't come and bite my head off. And it's such a knee jerk reaction, and often we do it because we feel like we aren't actually allowed to take up space. We feel like sorry is a way for us to make ourselves smaller and more palatable and you know, more tasteful to other people. It's a verbal filler. And here's the kicker, this constant apologizing. It's often more for us actually than it is for other people. We think that it's about making other people happy. Really it's about managing our own discomfort around how we think that people will see us, and so sorry actually becomes a very deeply ingrained internal strategy to manage our own anxiety, discomfort, or fear of disapproval. Essentially, what we're trying to do when we say sorry before any sentence is we're trying to control how we're perceived. We're trying to soften our presence or to preemptively diffuse any potential negative reaction, even if that reaction only exists in our minds. And it's essentially a mechanism to allow us to feel like we are controlling how other people see us, and we're controlling that narrative in a way that makes people not see us as a threat, so whilst it is directed at someone else, the true function often lies in our own internal emotional landscape and the fact that we cannot deal or manage the idea of someone seeing us differently to how we want to be perceived, being mad at us, being frustrated, or not liking us. You know, this is not just a random habit. It's not just like a funny thing. There are deep psychological roots here, and many theories will point to early childhood experiences and the messages that we internalized about our worth, our safety, and our relationships very early on. One key concept here is self worth. If you grew up in an environment where you felt like you constantly had to earn love or approval, or maybe where expressing yourself led to criticism and validation punishment, you may have possibly learned that being small, accommodating, unassuming was the safest path. Apologizing almost became a way to shrink yourself, to make yourself less of a target, especially if you had parents or family members who were volatile, who were violent, or if you were in a big family. The way that we saw this as a child was if I apologized before they get the chance to be upset with me, maybe they will accept me as I am, rather than need to find something wrong or rather than needing to find something to attack me. For you're somewhat at their mercy when you're a child, right, You're at the mercy of your pearance of older family members, of older siblings, and so this becomes part of the armor. This is also, of course a classic pattern of people pleasing, which we've discussed on the podcast before, probably like three years ago now if you want to listen to that episode. But another major contributor to that people pleasing apologizing shrinking cycle is also anxiety. For those of us with high levels of anxiety, especially social anxiety, apologizing is a way again to control the interaction, but also it's a form of safety seeking behavior. So this refers to actions that we take to try and relieve some of our anxiety, specifically around things that we see as a threat. So if you are someone who is naturally socially anxious and you see interacting with other people as very scary and you know, anxiety inducing and freaky, this sorry technique almost becomes a self sooth. Yes, there is the example we gave before of it being a way to control someone how someone sees you, and that making you feel calm. But also, even though you know your stories may not be doing anything for you, it feels like this nice thing you can return to that feels safe and feels calm. It almost becomes a ritual. Saying sorry before every sentence means that you can get the words out, means that you feel more prepared. However, as much as we hope that a sorry is going to diffuse our anxiety, research does actually suggest the opposite. The two thousand and nine study published by Cambridge University actually suggests that these kinds of safety seeking anxious apologies actually serve as anxiety maintenance. They feel they bring us a sense of relief in the moment, but they keep the anxiety cycle going and they negatively reinforce all we're feeling. So in the moment, you're getting the fleeting relief from the anxiety because the perceived reward, the removal of an unpleasant feeling, is making you feel better. But it also means that we never actually confront the possibility of not saying sorry, and of people not liking us, and of social situations not going well, and realizing that we are still very capable in those situations. A lot of our fear is maintained by never actually experiencing the thing that we're scared of. But if we were to be put in a situation where we didn't say sorry and someone was mad at us, we may just realize, you know, that isn't the end of the world, Like we aren't going to die because of that. Someone not liking us is actually sometimes not even our problem.

00:13:47
Speaker 1: Now.

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Speaker 2: Whilst chronic apologizing is predominantly rooted in anxiety and people pleasing in early life experiences, it's also worth noting a more specific, albeit less common overlap. In some very rare instances, excessive apologizing might actually take on a compulsive quality, hinting it like a very deep connection to OCD obsessive compulsive disorder. So that thing I was talking about before, where you say sorry as a habit, you say sorry almost as a ritual. You say sorry because you can't imagine not saying sorry. You think that something bad's going to happen if you don't do it. For someone with OCD, that's what we would call a compulsion, a repetitive mental or behavioral act performed in response to a very intrusive, painful, distressing thought and obsession, and we perform the compulsion as a way to reduce or prevent a dreaded outcome. So, for example, if someone has an obsession about being terribly rude and not having realized it and someone being mad at them, they might engage in excessive checking rituals that include repetitive apologies as a way to stop themselves from feeling so anxious about this thing coming true. There's no logical reason behind it. We know that saying sorry repetitively might not actually change anything, but because it is driven by this very strong urge to neutralize a negative thought, it feels like we can't stop ourselves. If you're apologizing, maybe feels like less than a general habit and more like an uncontrollable ritual tied to a specific distressing situation or belief or thought that something terrible is going to happen. This might be something that a mental health professional could use to differentiate between a chronic apologizer who is just anxious and someone who has OCD and who this chronic apologizing may be a symptom of. Let's talk about a few other explanations here. One of them being social learning theory. So obviously we can pick up apologizing as a habit when we realize that it tends to make people less frustrated at us, and if that was the childhood and family environment we grew up in, that becomes a strategy. Through that means as a way to stop someone from being critical of you, as a way to deal with an inconsistent or unpredictable caregiver, a response or a family response to deal with disapproval and rejection in a family unit. There's another way that this is impressed upon us as well, and it's through social learning theory, where basically, if we observe our parents apologizing a lot, we tend to imitate that if you had a parent or a significant adult in your life who was a chronic apologizer, constantly saying sorry for minor infractions or even for their mere presence. Sometimes you simply pick up on that habit by being close to them, and you internalize it as a normal way of communicating, completely unaware of its underlying psycho logical impact. You know you saw it, so you did it. And people will often say that this really comes down to their mothers and how their mothers treated the outside world, or were treated by their fathers, would be treated by other people oftentimes like it's our moms who are the ones who are made to feel very small and the ones who apologize constantly if they're not confident, if they aren't typically outspoken, And we see that, especially if you're a woman. You see how your mom responded to the environment and to the patriarchy, and you start doing that yourself, and you don't really understand it until perhaps a partner calls you out on it, or a friend starts to call you out on it and says, hey, like, you don't need to say sorry for that, But because you saw how your mother or a parent gained reassurance through excessive apologizing, and how perhaps or someone else in your life used stories as a way to remain vigilant over potential threats, you just can't avoid doing it. You can't avoid it. I think a lot of this can really be nicely explained by the faun response, which we talked about on an episode a few weeks back on emotionally immature Parents, But as a refresh, if you don't if you didn't listen to that episode, fawning is basically a recent addition to the fight flight or freeze response that we all know about, fight flight and freeze basically an in built way of responding to danger and how we go about surviving that danger. But recently researchers have really been identified another form of survival, which is to make friends with the danger. To make friends with the threat. This is a really weird analogy, but if you've ever watched a nature documentary with pack animals, you might see how wolves or iotes they forwn the alpha, they lick them, they almost bow down to them as a way of basically saying, you know, no need to dominate over me, like I'm already letting you. You don't need to teach me the hard way. I get it already. Fawning is a way of surviving, a very deeply entrenched way of surviving by prioritizing others' needs and feelings to maintain your own safety. In childhood, for you, this may have looked like being the good kid who never caused trouble, who always agreed quickly apologized for anything that upset a teacher or a parent. You learned that you were safest when you made friends with the potential individual who might harm you, either emotionally or physically, and this becomes this underlying message throughout our life. I'm only safe if I am agreeable. My needs are less important than yours. I must not upset the balance. And this is really what we're doing this entire time. We're fawning. Whether it is because of a safety seeking scenario, whether it is to reduce our anxiety around being perceived strangely, whether it is OCD, whether it is learnt. What we are trying to do is say, don't hurt me. I am not someone that you need to be mad at. Okay, we're going to take a short break, but when we return, we're going to explore why this may have such an impact on us in our twenties, and finally, how we can start to undo this very deeply ingrained habit. So stay with us. Let's turn our attention specifically to how this plays out in our twenties. This is obviously a decade of intense growth, of self discovery, of building very foundational adult relationships and careers. Chronic apologizing, when it's pervasive and ingrained, can impact us in those really critical areas. Firstly, it significantly impacts our relationships and I'm talking about all relationships here, are not just romantic partnerships, but friendships, family, even the connection that you have with yourself. A massive part of this is because it can act as a way that blurs boundaries. When you constantly apologize, you're essentially sending a subtle, off an unconscious message to others that your needs, opinions, even your mere presence are secondary to their comfort. This, of course, makes it incredibly difficult to set healthy boundaries. For instance, if you apologize for saying no to an invitation or for expressing a preference in a group decision, you are inadvertently teaching others that they can push back, that your boundaries are negotiable, or that you feel guilty for having them. You know, most people who love you and who care about you, they won't push that respect what you want, and they will respect your decision. But god forbid you encounter someone who wants something from you that you don't want to give them, or who was naturally manipulative. Manipulative people are incredibly socially aware, and they can see this habit and use it against you. They know that saying sorry often means I feel guilty for what I'm saying I feel guilty for letting you down, and so if they just push that button a few more times, maybe you'll give in. This dynamic is particularly interesting when we look at gender differences in communication styles. Research by linguists and social psychologists have explored how women often use apologies and other softening language more frequently than men, sometimes as a way to maintain rapport or to avoid perceived aggression. And whilst this can be a really valuable social tool in some contexts, you know, trying to avoid aggravating someone, trying to tone down potentially volatile situations, when it becomes chronic and across different contexts, it can inadvertently diminish our assertiveness. It makes it harder to be perceived as someone with clear, non negotiable boundaries, and that leads to feelings of resentment or being taken advantage of. It means that we don't feel like we can be assertive anymore, that we don't have the voice for that. A study published in twenty ten, it was published in Psychological Sciences, It found that women tend to apologize more than men, not just because they've necessarily done more things wrong, but because often we perceive our behavior in public settings as inherently offensive or intrusive. We feel like me existing, me being loud, that's not palatable, that's not enjoyable. People don't want to hear from me. And this can have huge implications in terms of how willing we are to speak up for ourselves when a partner hurts our feelings, when a friend crosses the line, when our parents or our boss doesn't respect our boundaries. If every statement is prefaced with sorry, or every opinion is softened by an apology, your voice to you starts to feel like it's losing its power. This isn't just about how others see you, This is how you hear yourself. Your internal voice begins to mirror your external one, reinforcing the idea that your thoughts and your feelings they aren't valid and less cushioned by an apology. And that can even mean that when we're just thinking private thoughts to ourselves, like oh, I would really like to do that, or I would really like to achieve that thing, or I think I really deserve to be treated better, this other part of us goes no, No, you're not shrink down, stay small, don't make a fuss that part of you that has been pleasing others really starts to enforce some very strong and harsh rules upon what you think you can ask of yourself and what you think you deserve, which is when we start to self abandon. Is when we start to say, oh, yeah, I don't deserve that thing, even though no one has told you that you don't deserve it, or no, I shouldn't ask for anything else, even though you know the universe isn't greedy. The universe has a lot to give. People want to give you things, they want to be kind to you. I've often found with my friends who apologize a lot and who don't really ask for things, I'm like waiting for them to ask me for something. Like my sister is someone who is like this, and she never asks for anything from anybody, and the moments that she does, I'm so excited by it. Because someone who loves you and who cares about you like wants to be able to reassure you and validate you, and wants to be able to give ironically despite best intentions. And I debated whether to talk about this, but I think it's important. Apologizing can actually create a lot of distance within relationships, you know, think about it. If we're not really expressing what we think and we feel we're not letting ourselves be authentic, it means that someone doesn't really know how to love us better. There's not really a genuine connection there that's built on self expression and vulnerability because you are showing up as someone in this relationship who isn't really you. You're showing up as the person that you think someone else wants you to be, and so this person can't really get to know you, like there's a wall, there is a layer that they're never going to crack, and that can make it really hard to grow together, especially if there is a constant need to appease them. Sometimes they can also be a frustration of like stop thinking only about me and let me think about you. That can make them feel like maybe you don't trust them. That can make them feel like maybe you think you need to make yourself smaller for them, that they're a bad partner. In professional settings as well, excessive apologizing, you know, it can inadvertently signal a lack of confidence, a lack of competence. It can kind of subtly undermine your presence in meetings in the workplace, at lunches in professional settings, basically because you send a signal to others that you don't trust yourself and that you feel like an imposition, so perhaps they start to see it your way.

00:27:31
Speaker 1: They start to.

00:27:32
Speaker 2: Say, well, if that person believes that they are useless and that what they're saying is annoying or frustrating, well maybe what they think about themselves is right, and I should start to think about them that way as well. A twenty ten study actually found that, you know, uncertain language apologetic language can really diminish your perceived authority, but it can also make you come off as insincere, and it can mean that people trust to you less. So the paradox of chronic apologizing is that we do it to make other people happy, and we do it to make our anxiety less in the face of other people and around other people. But actually it leads to the opposite outcomes. It makes you feel less seen, makes people value you less, and it makes you more isolated. It's a, you know, a survival strategy that ultimately we do have to find a way around. We have to find a way around this idea that we have to be small, that we have to be nice, that we have to be kind and appealing and appeasing in order to get what we want. So, now that we know why this happens, now that we understand the consequences, let's really attempt to rewire this automatic response and build a new, healthier one. This definitely takes patience. Most importantly, it takes a lot of self compassion. There is no shame in chronic apologizing, There is no embarrassment to it. How other people see you as a result of this, or as a result of not doing this is actually not your problem. But let's find a way to rewire it for you so that you feel like you're taking up less space and perhaps are just less exhausted from constantly needing to be protecting yourself in this way. The first and arguably most crucial step is simply noticing it. You know you cannot change what you are not aware of, So identify your triggers. Start paying attention to when you apologize. Is it with certain people, a certain kind of person, specific situations? Is it when you're feeling a particular emotion, like insecurity or fear of judgment? Maybe you notice it more when you're asking for something or when you're expressing a differing opinion compared to neutral situations. It's particularly important to not if it's around certain people, because that's going to really, I think, factor into your assessment as to whether you are your most unique, authentic version of you with these people and whether perhaps they're not the most well suited to be in your life. Next, I want you to really challenge your automatic thoughts. As we've said already in this episode, this is a habit. This is a habit that has been built on the fact that apologizing has brought you some kind of relief or some kind of pleasant feeling, even if that pleasant feeling is the removal of a negative feeling. So once you start noticing the habit, you have to begin to question the thoughts that fuel it. To do this, we really want to start to question why we feel the need to apologize. When you catch yourself mid apology, ask yourself, what am I really apologizing for? Here? Is anyone really that mad at me? Did I really do anything that bad? Am I really sorry? Is the thing that I feel sorry for actually something that I should feel sorry for? Or have I just asked for something that I needed? Have I just existed? Have I just been human? Challenge the assumption that you are constantly doing things wrong and ask yourself, if someone else did this thing, what I feel like they needed to apologize for it? Because the answer is often one hundred percent no. But we are much harsher and much much more severe as critics when it comes to ourselves. If you're apologizing to avoid a negative reaction, ask yourself, what's the worst realistic outcome that could happen if I don't say sorry right now? Often the catastrophic scenario we build up in our heads it is far more dramatic than what is actually going to unfold. Maybe someone will be mildly inconvenienced for a moment, or they might not even notice. Also, you're inconveniencing yourself by saying sorry. Why do you deserve to be inconvenienced more than they deserve to be inconvenienced? People are okay, People will tell you if they're upset. People are responsible for their own feelings. People are allowed to be annoyed at you and frustrated at you, and they will get over it. They will get over it. That is their problem. You're just existing. They're just existing. They aren't entitled to a life that is free of inconvenience and discomfort, the same way that you aren't either. And so if they genuinely believe that they are entitled to everyone kind of kissing their eyes and making their life feel easy and frictionless and free of frustration, and that's your job, not their job, to regulate their emotions. That is their problem. I don't know if anyone's ever told you this, but it's not your job to manage everyone else's emotional state. Twenty four to seven. You don't have the ability to do that. You don't have the time. Finally, really reframe your script, both internally and externally. Instead of thinking I must apologize I'm being such a bother, try reframing it to something like, actually, my needs are valid. It's okay to ask for what I need. My perspective is valuable, even if it's different. I'm just as entitled to the space as they are. This isn't about becoming inconsiderate. In fact, I don't think you could ever be inconsiderate considering where you're coming from. Right, A chronic apologizer is never going to turn into someone who is brutally rude because that part of them is always going to be there kind of but it's really about just affirming your right to exist and to express yourself authentically. I also think the power of the pause here is so key. This is your new best friend. Before the sorry automatically tumbles out, take a tiny breath, just a second, or to take a pause and decide whether you're going to apologize rather than just letting it come out of your mouth. And if you want to say sorry, try and replace it with a better alternative, try and swap it out. I'm going to give you some examples here, and I'm going to give you a bit of a list because I think it's really helpful to have it in your mind, Like some examples of what you could say as an alternative. Instead of saying sorry to bother you when asking for help, try something like excuse me, do you have a moment, or when you have a chance, could you help me with this? Or even just a simple like hi, I have a question. Instead of saying sorry for the delay in replying, try thanks for your patience. I use this all the time, like I have nothing to apologize for if I didn't get to someone's email because I was getting to other people's emails or I was doing other thing things, So saying thank you puts the onus on them and saying I appreciate you rather than I feel like I've done something wrong, And it really does change the tone to be one that's a lot more positive. Instead of you having to say sorry, and then I have to say like, oh no, it's no problem, and you have to say, oh yeah, nobody, Actually I'm really sorry. It's like no, thank you and they say yeah, you're very welcome. You know, it's a much nicer, more positive interaction. Instead of saying sorry to interrupt or sorry, can I just say something in a meeting or at work or with friends, try I actually have a thought on that, or could I actually add something here, or just simply waiting for a natural pause in the conversation. When someone bumps into you, this is a classic. Instead of automatically saying sorry, try saying nothing or a simple oh, excuse me, if you genuinely need to pass, or if you know they've bumped into you and you're like, you have to say sorry to me, dude, you come on your turn. Hate I hate doing this, like I hate when I do this I had to call myself out on this. The other day, I had my dog Tylo at the dog park and someone's dog like ran up and like was barking at her and trying to basically like attack her. And I obviously had full control over her, and she was just looking at me, like what is this person doing? And the guy like comes up and I'm like, oh sorry, oh sorry. He didn't say sorry to me once, and yet his dog was off leash and running at mine and making us feel uncomfortable. He just looked at me and was like, oh, no worries. And I left that interaction just being like what just happened? Like this guy probably thinks he's done nothing wrong, and I feel really terrible and I feel like, I don't know. I just felt like he had so much power over me in that situation because I said sorry. I wish i'd said something else, but that's what we're talking about here today. Finally, instead of saying something like sorry for rambling or sorry for taking up your time, which is a big one, I think we often feel like we can't take up as much verbal space as other people. We need to be quiet. If you're someone who is constantly thinking like, are we talking the same amount? Is that person talking as much as I am? And should I talk less? This one's for you instead. I want you to try saying thank you so much for listening or thanks for letting me share that again. It's that same switch. Instead of feeling like you are at a deficit, make the other person feel like they're in an addition, like they've they've been a good person. Make them feel like they're being celebrated for being so nice and giving you space. It's also super helpful to practice saying no to things you don't want to do or you just can't do, without feeling like you have to give an explanation. I have been trying to do this more. I'm getting better at it. I used to find that if I was canceling plans, I'd have to be like, so sorry, I'm canceling plans. Actually, like there's been mucus coming out of my nose for the last twelve hours, and I promise I'm sick, Like do you want a photo? Like I can give you an explanation, And people would be like no, like if you're sick, you're sick, Like it's fine, So simply just saying like I can't make it, but thank you for the invitation, or I don't really have the time right now, or no, sorry, I can't make it that night is often enough. You don't owe everyone a detailed excuse cushioned with sorries. Maybe you owe a close friend that if you can't work and your boss is asking you to do an extra shift, sorry I can't make it. You don't need to give them an excuse. They are not any more entitled to your time than you are. If someone you know wants something from you, like really late at night, like you don't actually have to do it for them. Your whole life does not exist to make someone else's life more convenient. No is a complete sentence. No is a complete sentence, as abrupt and cold as it might initially feel, a philosophy that I've been trying to live by more and more and it's gonna sound weird. Is I'm allowed to be an asshole? Sometimes you have to be the asshole. Sometimes you have to be the one that's going to stand up for yourself and piss people off. It's okay, like they'll get over it. I don't know when people do it to me. I get over it. Actually I admire them more. You're allowed to be the asshole. In fact, it's a good thing. You'll get more for yourself, you'll get more done, you'll have more time for yourself, you'll feel more assertive, and you'll feel like you are more capable. I think over time creating these changes in just how simple everyday interactions can really reaffirm a sense of self worth, a sense of a value, a sense that you can trust yourself, you can stand up for yourself, you are your own protector, you have something to say, and it makes you feel more authentic. I think we all hope for a time when we can walk into a conversation and say, I'm here, this is what I want to say, and if you don't agree with it, or if it's something that annoys you, like I don't really care. I'm not even thinking about your reaction. That's really what we're all aiming for a life in which we are considerate of other people, but we also consider ourselves as being just as important in those interactions and conversations as then, quiet confidence is perhaps the best way to put it. Quiet confidence and self assurance. Okay, we're going to take a short break give you some thinking space. But when we return, we have some listener questions from you all about some of the more specific parts about chronic apologizing. You want answered, so stay with us. The listener questions for this topic were incredible. They were so so good for those of you who don't know, Like a week or two before an episode goes live, I jump on Instagram at that Psychology podcast and ask if you guys have any specific questions, dilemmas, stories about any of our upcoming topics. Make sure you're following me over there so you can participate in future episodes. But the question for this week we're super good. Let's start with this one. I'm a midwife and some of my clients do this. How can I help? This is kind of linked to a more general question that was asked a lot. How can I help a friend, a family member, a partner who was constantly apologizing? I think it's by simply asking them what do you think you need to be sorry about? And if they don't really have an answer, just let that sink in for them, you know, if they say I'm so sorry, like I'm so sorry for asking for this, I'm so sorry for doing that I'm so sorry for you know, being too needy. Just say why do you need to apologize, and really like get them to answer you, because often they'll realize it they don't, and that can create a lot of big mental shifts for them. I think if they continue to say you can also say something like, well, no, I'm not annoyed by that, I wasn't hurt by that. I didn't even notice that. That didn't impact me, So you don't need to apologize instead of just saying you know, it's fine or you did nothing wrong. Realize that they're looking for reassurance and they're looking for safety. So just be soft, be warm, be gentle, validate them, make sure that they know that you know you're not upset at them, that they don't have to continue apologizing. That they are allowed to ask for as much or as little as they want, especially with this first person who asked that question being a midwife, like they should be able to ask for whatever they want if they're giving birth. And also just realize that really it is safety seeking. So the more you create like a warm environment for them where you ask them or you anticipate things that they're going to ask for, so they don't feel like they have to ask for them, the more that they will hopefully say it a little bit less, also send them this episode. Maybe not for if you're the midwife with the clients, you might not see them enough to send them this episode, but for a friend or a family member or someone that you know. I think listening to someone else to talk about it is quite validating, and understanding where it comes from and how to stop doing it, you know, for themselves, is super super important. This next question, is there an opposite of this, like someone who never apologizes. Oh, yes, absolutely there is. I used to date someone like this. I know firsthand that there are people like this, and honestly, now that I think about it, maybe that's where my chronic apologizing came from, because I so desperately was like waiting for him to apologize for things. Maybe I thought that if I said it enough times, he would kind of get it, like, you did something bad, you need to say sorry. I think these people don't say so worry because they I think it's just ego. I think they genuinely don't believe that they have anything to be sorry for. I think they're quite arrogant. I think they feel quite entitled. I also just think that maybe it's because they were raised by people who were like, you know very much, you are the most important person. You are the center of the universe. If other people don't like your behavior, that's their bad luck. I see this a lot with people, like the older they get as well. It's like, yes, you get more confident and self assured as you get older, but you also tend to give less of a shit about what other people think. And the thing that we're really trying to nail in here is that, you know, the opposite of chronic apologizing isn't being completely inconsiderate and rude. Actually, we want to find that balance where it's like, you care equally about someone else as you as much as you do yourself. Perhaps you care about yourself a little bit more, but there is still caring compassion there. So, yeah, there are definitely people who never apologize, and the most frustrating thing about it is that these are the kind of people who never realized why it's a problem, and it's just stubbornness. Really, it's stubbornness and it's ego, and yeah, it's definitely not a good habit. Is there a link to a religious upbringing. I was raised Catholic, and I feel like that is a large reason why I constantly need to say sorry. I think with Catholicism in particular, there's a real culture of repentance, right and there's a culture of guilt and saying sorry for things that you actually don't that you didn't do wrong or that you don't need to be sorry for, and showing God that you're apologetic and accepting mercy and accepting grace. So definitely there is a link to a religious upbringing one hundred percent. I often find that people who have experienced very strict religious upbringings and strict religious environments often experience a lot of guilt around taking up space or being special. They experience a lot more guilt around mistakes. It's something that you know, yes, mistakes are normal and they're natural, and they happen and everyone makes them. But for them it feels like something that they need to be punished for, they need to repent for. So if that was how you were raised, you know, there's a lot of guilt there, and I think chronic apologizing is probably a lot more common. I'd love to see how certain religions relate to relate to this habit because it would be very fascinating, be a very fascinating way of I think it would bring about a whole new dimension of this discussion as well. This is our fourth question, I think our final question for today. What are some other ways to convey empathy or sympathy without saying sorry, such as when a friend experience is a loss, or if someone tells you something sad has happened to them, such as a parent or a loved one dying. This is something I struggle with a lot. I think a lot of us do. Our immediate instinct when someone says, oh, you know, my mom had passed away, or my dog passed away, or this terrible thing happened to me is to say I'm so sorry, And then they say what are you sorry for? And then you feel really awkward and you wish that you'd said something better, So say this instead. That is so difficult, and you have all my love right now, and any help that you need, I'm here to offer it. You can also just ask a question as a response, that's so awful, but how are you feeling? Is there anything I can do or offer support? You know, I can't imagine what you're going through. I can come over and cook dinner for you. I can drive you to that appointment. I can do anything that you need me to do. I love you, I care about you. Often the reason we say i'm sorry is because it's the easiest way in our brains to express empathy. Yes, and often it's just shock. You know, we're not taught how to manage grief. We're not taught how to have hard conversations. We're not taught as a society the right thing to say. So it is okay if you don't say the right thing. I think it's also okay to say I'm sorry as a first instinct, but match that i'm sorry by going deeper and by offering something more. Really, try and think about what you would want to hear, what you would need in that situation, and that is the best thing that you can say. That is the best thing that you can offer them. Also, you know, just asking people what do you need from me? What can I do to help you? Is also so invaluable. But yeah, it's a hard thing. I feel like I do this a lot. My instinct is always to say I'm so sorry, and then it's like, oh, but yeah, but what am I sorry for? You know, I didn't do anything to cause this, but I think again, I'm sorry. It is a verbal filler. It is a blanket term that we use in so many other situations where we aren't actually apologizing. Remember, you know, if you are a chronic apologizer, it's not something that you need to feel ashamed of. That shame will perhaps only make it worse. I just think it's something you need to understand that you do and really trace back to a reason behind why you do it. And then I want you to really keep focused on those alternatives and remember that critical thing I said around the middle of this episode. If someone is upset at you, if someone is frustrated at you, if you inconvenience someone that's not necessarily your problem. People inconvenience you all the time without you realizing it, and you let them. People are rude all the time without having to say sorry. There are some really terrible people in this world. You are not one of them, So you don't have to constantly apologize for your presence and for your existence for anything that you say or don't say. Like you're doing a great job. Other people have to be responsible for their emotions. You cannot constant constantly monitor them for them and trust that if they're frustrated at you, if they're mad, it's their responsibility to say something. But I really do hope this episode has unpacked some of this for you. I know it was kind of a long one. Make sure again to listen to Mantra if you liked this episode, if you like the psychology of your twenties, there are so much more over there that I think you will enjoy. And if you've made it this far, hello, Hi, how are you? Thank you for listening. Our emoji for this week I think is an owl. So if you want to show me down in the comments that you have listened as far as you have, an owl is the way to go. Make sure that you are following along on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio, wherever you are listening. Share this episode with a friend who you think may enjoy it. And until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. Remember you don't need to apologize for simply taking up space. We will talk very very soon.