45. Soulmates and twin flames

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Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everyone, welcome back to a new week on the podcast. It's so great to have you here. Thanks for tuning in, Thanks for listening to this latest episode. Today we are talking about a really really interesting topic, one that was actually suggested to me on Instagram. I put out a little pole the other day asking people, you know, kind of what they wanted to hear this week, and this response really jumped out at me because I think it is a topic that isn't really spoken about in psychology that much. It's a really spiritual topic, I find, but it has a lot of connections to ideas that we often talk about when we talk about social psychology and biological psychology, in particular ideas of love and attraction and partnership and connection. So I thought it would be a really interesting deep dive, and I was right. The research and all the things I found out about this topic was just really magnificent and really interesting to look into. So today we are talking about the idea of a twin flame, or the idea of a soulmate really truly interesting. And regardless of whether you think that soulmates are really out there, whether you have one, whether they exist, I think some of the implications that a belief in soulmates has for our psychology and the well being about romantic and non romantic relationships is something that everyone should kind of know about and a really interesting thing to think about when you approach perhaps your quest for love, or how you connect with people and how you meet people. So, as we always do, let's have a little intro. Let's talk a little bit about some of the background information to do with this topic. So psychology can make a lot of sense of soulmates and the term soulmates, it kind of implies this deep connection, a special affinity, or an understanding, this really intense, powerful bond that exists between yourself and another person. Historically, there have been a lot of deep beliefs and ideas, very esoteric ideas about what soulmates are, and ancient esoteric philosophy often calls soulmates our twin flames, also called our twin souls, and they believe that they are literally the other half of our soul, your soulmate, and you were once one entity, one being, one soul, and we have been separated from each other, and they've been split into and we've gone our separate ways, and we are being incarnated and brought back to life over and over again to gather human experiences before coming back together. And in some of those ancient kind of philosophical and spiritual ideas, there was this idea that you know, we have multiple lives, we live multiple lives, we are reincarnated, and that person, that soulmate shows up in each one of them, and in that way we're tied together. And in many ways, some connections do really feel destined to be. It's almost like meeting this person was written in the stars and kind of heavens a line to make it happen. And I don't know if you've felt that way. I don't even know if I've felt that way. When I was researching this, I was like, dang, like this sounds brilliant. I want this. But these powerful unions in this life are kind of what we imagine to be soulmates. And a soulmate is someone that we that if we feel that they get us, like we're cut from the same energetic cloth almost. And although I think the traditional notion of a soulmate, or maybe your conception of a soulmate is that of a romantic partnership, as we'll talk about, they can appear in many forms, and they kind of rest upon a deep, special, spiritual relationship with another person that doesn't have to be an intimate relationship. And a lot of people believe that our soulmate relationships are here to teach us something important. They hold up a mirror for us to go deeper within ourselves and to expand and evolve, and to achieve that that purpose. You don't necessarily have to be romantically involved with that person. It could be a friend, it could be a teacher. We will talk all about those different theories later on. But is the idea of a soulmate or a twin flame something that can be backed up by science? I think you know the answer. It's most likely a know. But there is this wealth of kind background information and background research that explains why we might have that feeling that someone in our lives was someone we were meant to meet. It might come from biology, it might come from attraction and from compatibility, but there are certain reactions that come from our interactions with others that make us more in tune with someone else. And that's something I really want to discuss. And there are also some dark to some darker sides to believing that we have one person out there for us. So a lot of really interesting things we're talking about today. Let's dive right in. Okay, So perhaps the first thing we should talk about is how do we know if we've maybe met a soulmate. Maybe you have someone in your life right now who you think is your twin flame, you think they are your other half, your better half, and how are we able to discern that that person is really kind of divinely meant to be with us, or whether we just have a strong alignment with them. How do we know that, you know, maybe if someone we've met might be one of our soulmates, might be one of those deep, meaningful connections we hold with us for our entire life. Well, here are some of those indicators or characteristics of a relationship that might indicate that the person they're connecting to might be someone who you could connect to deeper or who is potentially a soulmate, so you might feel a connection with them almost instantly and on an intuitive level. Intuition is not just kind of a mystical spiritual idea. It's a legitimate scientific concept that has a lot of evidence supporting its legitimacy and its existence. In psychology, the idea of intuition, it's defined as kind of the productive influence of unconscious emotional information. So intuition is kind of like a brain process that gives us the ability to make decisions without the use of analytical reasoning. Almost it's almost the activity of the old brain, of this unconscious thought process that is constantly going on in our minds that allows us to make decisions without needing to think about them every single second. And it applies when we meet someone and we are unconsciously able to recognize something unique about that person that somehow aligns with us, even if that thought is not happening on a conscious, higher up level. We're going to talk about personality compatibility later on in this episode, but intuition and recognizing something similar in someone else almost instantly is a core part of why you might feel a deep connection with someone. But there are some other indicators as well that you may have met a soulmate or someone you are destined to meet. You might feel a really strong chemistry upon meeting them, an intense energy and intense connection. You feel understood because of this strength of the bond that you have between that person and yourself. And isn't that just an amazing feeling, Feeling understood, feeling seen. Critically, You accept them at their best and their worst, and they do the same for you. I want to talk about that a little bit later on. I think I have the saying that love is forgiveness, and I think that idea of accepting people for their flaws is really indicative that you've met someone you have a really deep connection with you might recognize them. So this sounds really wishy washy, maybe a little bit bizarre, but I'm trying to put everything on the table. When I say recognize them, I mean like you might physically be like that person seems familiar. And some people might say that you knew them in a past life and therefore recognize them, and that there is some form of bond that traverses space and time. In terms of scientific evidence for this, there isn't much, but I do think we've perhaps all maybe felt that way about someone else, So even anecdotally. We may read something into the fact that we can sometimes recognize people that we see as soulmates and they feel familiar to us, like we've known them before. You also have deep empathy towards one another. Empathy is a crucial factor in most really close relationship, so it makes sense that it turns up when we're discussing twin flames. This was a really interesting one. I saw this on a website and I really related to this. You don't always need to speak to be able to connect. I don't know if you've had that experience where you're sitting in silence with someone and it feels comfortable, even enjoyable, and you don't feel the need to feel that silence constantly. You can still connect and communicate without talking or communicating verbally, But when you do choose to communicate, it's honest, it's vulnerable, and your values align Underneath that deep twin flame passionate connection are deeper values that connect you to someone. I think this makes a lot of sense. It's really difficult to have a really deep relationship with someone who fundamentally you don't agree on the same things. Fundamentally you have different values and attitudes, towards respect for others, towards what a good life means, about what you want out of life, what's important. Another indicator you may have met your twin flame or your soulmate is that you can let your guard down and things feel easy. It's not strained, or it's not difficult. My friend Kate always says this love should be easy, and you can be vulnerable with that person without fear, without feeling like there's judgment, that you're saying the wrong things, that you're not able to speak your truth, and this person supports your growth. Soulmates don't enter our lives just to bring excitement and fun and love and good times. This kind of soul contract is some people call it is ultimately about deeper things. That means your soulmate, in whatever form they arrive, will actively support your growth and development as a person. They will encourage you, they lift you up, They offer you practical help so you can reach your goals. But sometimes this can include hard truths. Like we've previously mentioned twin flames or soulmates, they might just be there to really hold up a mirror so you can observe yourself and in that reflection you might not only see good things. You might see some of those elements of yourself that you want to work towards and improve. And I think that is part of this greater idea of soulmates. It doesn't need to be unconditional. But this love that you might have for this other person and them for you is about growing, and it's about learning lessons and building a deeper understanding of yourself and your values. We're going to talk about different types of soulmates now, as I'm sure you've kind of gathered. I don't think that they're purely romantic. And I do believe in the eye idea of soulmates or twin flames, and I'm really stressing that plural form there. I don't see our soulmate as being one person like that traditional religious version of the idea is you know that you were once one entity and now now you're two, very Adam and Eve kind of mythology there. My belief is that there are many people that we are meant to meet and that we are meant to connect to, and they don't always have to be in our life forever, and they don't always have to be romantic. I have friends who are soulmates to me? Who are people that, like I said, would you kind of tick those boxes across all of those indicators of supporting my growth, of holding me accountable, being able to sit in silence. And sometimes they're not even people that you know for longer than a moment. But the idea of a soulmate is someone that you feel divinely connected to, who comes into your life and teaches you something and who feels familiar. So romantic soulmates obviously what we think of when we hear the term twin flame. Often you might hear people call their partner their soulmate. There's someone who brings them passionate, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual physical experiences and that sounds amazing, right, that sounds fantastic. And if you've met someone you connect with like that, the magic of these sensations can make us feel like the love we share with that person was meant to be, that it has divine purpose, divine timing. And interestingly, this idea of a soulmate, it does appear in a lot of cultures. So the Yiddish word for soulmate is bash red, and it's the belief that before birth, God decided your spouse and they are a matchmate in heaven. Then the eye to the idea is that even before you were born, God kind of decided who would be your partner, and they're the person that you ultimately in your life. I don't know how much I believe that, but it's interesting that it's shown up throughout history, and it's also perhaps kind of found in other parts of the world and in other time frames, although it might have some different names. So this is a theory, well not really a theory but almost folklore, and it comes out of East Asia and I was obsessed with this when I was younger. I believed in this wholeheartedly. And it's called the red Thread of fate and originally originated from Chinese mythology, but it's also found throughout, like I said, a lot of East Asian cultures, such as Japanese culture. And the kind of myth or the legend is that it's kind of thought as that there is an invisible red chord around the finger of those who are destined to meet another in any in their lifetime. And it's the idea of true love that this red string, this red thread connects you and according to Chinese ledge, and the deity in charge of the red thread is believed to be this person called U Law and they are the old lunar matchmaker God who was in charge of marriages. So these two people connected by this red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, circumstances, this magical chord, the idea goes, It might stretch, it might tangle, but it never breaks. And this myth is a very similar to this Western concept of a soulmate or a destined partner. And these kind of notions or folk stories and ideas of a soulmate are beautiful and maybe you have imagined what it would be like to love and connect with someone that deeply. But when we analyze the idea of a soulmate in the romantic sense from a psychological rather than a spiritual perspective, it can become complicated and it has a lot less to do with this mystical, worldly, divine intervention. So research has highlighted a potentially darker side to believing in soulmates when we aren't able to learn or manage our expectations. So even a matchmate in heaven will always experience conflict. And according to this really interesting study done by this author called League Believing that a soulmate relationship is somehow a finished product, something that you find and that requires no work, is really detrimental. This author did a bit of further research on this. He says that there are two perspectives we can take when it comes to romantic relationships and the idea that out there exists our twin flame. Researchers into this belief and to this kind of divine love identify two types of thinkers when it comes to soulmates. We can call them nonbelievers and believers, but they call them destiny believers and growth believers. So a destiny believer they have these passionate, intense, fiery, short term relationships, and they often think of love as something that comes to you and something that is meant to be, something that is effortless and easy and beautiful and fully constructed upon arrival. Whereas growth believers they might take a little bit longer to commit. They kind of believe that love is something that requires work an effort, that there might not be one perfect person out there for you, but many people who you could find yourself being really happy with. Growth believers within a relationship often lead to more successful long term partnerships compared to so called destiny believers, because they believe that issues and problems and incompatibilities which will always emerge can be fixed and work through. So essentially this research are found that those people who believe in soulmates really deeply more likely to break up, give up, or have difficult relationships if their beliefs create a fixed attitude within that partnership. So an unhealthy idea that soulmate union should be perfect perfect may lead us to have, like I said, these passionate and intense short term relationships, disillusionment and frustration over challenges. You might impose deal breakers or unfair demands on your partner because you have this specific idea of who your soulmate is. You might also believe that love should be instant, that all love is founded on instantaneous attraction and energy, when in reality it might actually take time to build, and like I said before, it might result in you moving on rather than trying to fix your relationship problems if you're of the belief that there is one person, one perfect person, who is out there for you. On the other hand, people who have a growth attitude towards relationships, tend to take longer to commit, they stay longer, and they look to find solutions and compromises in their relationship, and believe that relationships take effort, and you grow to fit each other, you grow to fit together, and they believe that love is built. So regardless of whether there is actually a perfect person out there for us, and obviously that's up for debate, it is the very belief in the idea of a soulmate that actually might be most influential on whether we find love and the types of connections we build with some people, and whether that initial energy and chemistry we reveal with someone can be built into something that is trusting and stable and long term. Those are some of those some of the ideas around romantic soulmates how we traditionally think of our twin flame. But like I mentioned, I don't think that they always have to do with intimacy, that these people we are meant to meet are always going to be lovers or people we connect with on a physical level. Friendship soulmates are just as valid. Friends are an essential part of our journey, and these types of soulmates are those that help us laugh when we're in pain, they nurture us. They flow with us when we're writing high. They challenge us to be real and to be vulnerable and to speak our truth. And they love us to spy our problems and our flaws, and we love them for that as well. These people are not those that were necessarily attracted to or have a sexual relationship with, but they are so critical for our well being and our sense of belonging and love. And I think with traditional notions of partnership, when you have your partner, when you've met your match, if you're a monogamous person, you really only have room for one. But the idea of friendship soulmates means that you have opportunities to have multiple of these people. And I feel very blessed to have been able to meet some of the people like this in my life, and they continue to be in my life. I specifically remember meeting my best friend Zoe, and when I think about those characteristics or indicators when you've met a soulmate, they all seem to apply. It was our first day of high school and I saw this girl sitting out the front of our school and she was crying her hope. She doesn't mind me saying this, but she was really upset and I saw her and I was like, I don't know what it was, but I was like, I'm going to be friends with that person. I recognize her. There's something about her that instant chemistry, and I went up to her and I started talking to her, and ever since then we have been so close, thick as thieves. It's like she knows me better than I know myself, and it doesn't necessarily mean that her love is unconditional. I think the reason why I see her as a soulmate and why we are so close, and I've said this to her so many times, is that she also sees and knows my bad qualities. She knows the worst things about me and still loves me and can look past them, and has this idea of me that is not delusional and is forgiving and acknowledges me for who I truly am on a deep level. And I hope that I do the same for her. So I hope that emphasizes the importance of friendships as soulmates and friends as twin flames, because sometimes that's who they are. There are a couple other ideas. I think, maybe The traditional way to go about this would be to talk about friends and to talk about romance. But I found this concept that I thought was really interesting. Two concepts actually. Firstly, it's the idea that we have teacher soulmates in life, not just romantic and friends, and not just romantic soulmates and friendship soulmates, but teacher soulmates. And to a certain extent, we learn from all people in one way or another, but especially with our teacher twin flames. They might be a valued mentor or healer in your life who you meet with divine timing. They could be an inspirational professor from school who encourages you to pursue something new, thinking about the dead poet society, I don't know why, and you know. They could even be a total stranger who has really wise words for you. They could be a grandparent, someone who whose role in your life is to teach you and change the course of your life forever. And there's the idea of lifelong soulmates. These people might not necessarily be your partner, You might not necessarily be friends, but they're people that you know your entire life, who support you like no other. Lifelong Soulmates are those strong partnerships that stay with us throughout our lives. They might include business partners or family members, sisters, siblings, brothers. Some people are just meant to be there and meant to be by your side, but some people aren't. I don't think that we should be confusing soulmates with this notion of forever, although that might be what traditional ideas tell us. There's a saying maybe you know it, I do really love it, and the saying is a reason a season or a lifetime. People aren't meant to be in your life forever. Just because you form a strong bond with someone doesn't mean you need to hang onto them for your whole life. Different types of soulmate relationships may last for different amounts of times, maybe days, some years, and some a lifetime. But people sometimes are just passing through and you're in each other's lives to teat each other something an important lesson. And I think the word soulmate does signifies does signify kind of a deep and intense bond, but that doesn't mean it means to be forever or it needs to be perfect. And just because it doesn't last for your lifetime doesn't mean it hasn't been valuable or it's not a true soulmate connection. Okay, so there is a lot to make of this and this notion of destiny and soulmates. Many of the explanations we've kind of slightly touched on so far have all rested on ideas of a higher power or a deep spiritual path, some form of deity that leads us to our person And although I love this idea and it might feel true, there are some other explanations for why we may have that immediate connection with some people but not others, and why this might lead us to confuse someone we've met as being a soulmate, either romantically or otherwise. This is a psychology podcast, so let's talk about some ideas of biology and personality and compatibility that might provide a better explanation for the idea and existence of soulmates rather than a spiritual perspective. So, there have been a lot of theories that certain personality types are more compatible for decades. Decades and decades, experts have kind of tried to classify the possible different types of personalities in kind of an attempt to understand why everyone is different yet similar and why some people get along better than others. I'm sure you might have a coworker or a friend who, for some reason, they just grind your gears. There's something about them. You can't put your finger on it, but you just don't get along, Whereas there are other people who it's like they could do no harm. They nothing they do pisses you off. They are like perfectly suited to you. So I don't know if you've heard about this, but this is called the Myers Briggs Type Indicator, and it's one of those tools we were just talking about that's been developed to identify personality types and to identify compatibility. I'm going to put this out here. I know a lot of people do their MBTI or their personality type, but it's not particularly evidence based, and its validity is often kind of question. But it's a really really interesting kind of experiment to really think about the traits that define you. And if you have heard of Myers Briggs, it's essentially kind of gives you an idea of where you stand on a spectrum of traits. So there's four main kind of letters or comparisons within this personality type. So are you extroverted or are you introverted? Do you sense or do you intuit? Are you thinking or are you a feeling person? And do you judge or do you simply perceive? And if you want to do it, it's free, it's online. It's very interesting, and it's based on these personality theories of Carl Jung, and he kind of proposed this system of personality types based on your attitudes around these four kind of equations and how you feel in these situations, whether whether you are in a situation and you judge what people are doing or you simply perceive it, whether you react with your heart or your brain. These kind of attitudes and these reactions, they are the basis of your personality, which is a distinctive kind of combination of thoughts, emotions, and experiences that make you who you are. It's unique and complex. It does change and adapt to circumstances. But there are some people who possess a similar personality or compatible traits, and it means that you're better able to connect and share beliefs and attitudes with them and you see the world the same way. Compatibility of obviously falls across a spectrum, and it may be that those we share a lot in common with on a personality and trait level. Are people we come to see as soulmates, not because of some divine connection, but because of something a lot simpler, which is that we are similar. We are similar, our personalities gel really well. They might also be feeling. They might also be very intuitive, they might also be extroverted. And because you see the world similarly, you're able to connect and you're able to discuss and be vulnerable with each other, particularly romantic compatibility. It depends on a lot of factors and circumstances, and this is just one of many ways to look at it. But I also think that compatible ability doesn't just hinge on this inventory of personality traits. It's not something that you just have. You can also work to be more compatible. It's a process. And obviously our personality changes over the course of our lifetime, as things happen, as events happen to us, as we grow, as we mature. So I think that compatibility it's a disposition, and it's an attitude, and it can be worked on, and you can come to see things the way others see it, and you can come to share a similar outlook. Okay, we've talked about personality and compatibility as an explanation for White for this idea of soulmates. But what about physical reactions. I think biology, as simple as it sounds, can really explain this deep sensation of having met your twin flame. So another explanation for that unconscious pull and energy we might feel towards someone who we might perceive as a soulmate. It comes from activity in our nervous system and within our hormones and within our brain. Sometimes it's difficult to distinguish what is lost and what is love, particularly when we're talking about someone who we feel a soul connection to. There are just some people we find really attractive and more alluring and the resulting reactions in our body. They are often controlled by instinctual patterns such as our libido. That explains why we feel deep chemistry with someone. It might just come from attraction. So a likely cause behind this kind of intense soulmate reaction or this infatuation the chemical reactions that take place in your brain when you're aroused and when you see something that you like. So when you see someone you're attracted to, there are a couple of things that happen in your brain So firstly, this is a hormone. It's called pea or phenolatin. It's a natural hormone that's emitted by your body and it speeds up the communication between your nerve cells and triggers the release of dopamine, our favorite happy hormone. Dopamine is the hormone and the neurotransmitter behind feelings of bliss and joy and ecstasy. At the same time, when we are attracted to someone, our body releases nor openehrin, which is an arousal or stress hormone that consequently stimulates the production of adrenaline. So combined these three chemicals, they act almost as an amphetamine, and they elevate our energy levels and our mood and the effects of these chemicals usually it can last up to six months to three years if we're continuing to stay on that high, and of course if you're not around them all the time, those hormones are released every time you see them, so you kind of are chasing this high. And it might be that the people we consider our soulmates, especially on a romantic level, are really in our life because of the physical and biological reactions that their physical appearance or their way of making us feel creates in our bodies. There are some other theories. I want to talk to one that's really popular, and I'm sure we see a lot in the media. If you're on TikTok, you might see this a lot. It's become a bit of psycho bubble. It's called love bombing. Love Bombing is a pretty known, almost narcissistic, controlling action that partners often use to cause us to fall deeply in love with them or to be deeply attracted and infatuated with them. Love Bombing involves the repeated and consistent giving of gifts, giving of attention, giving of love and of services for a brief period of time until we're hooked on another person and then reality kind of hits. It could be that if you feel you've met your soulmate, maybe sit back and think about whether you're being love bombed and the reactions that's creating that excitement and that attention is really why you feel a deep connection and why you feel deep passion and deep energy. There's also models of addiction that explain ideas of twin flames and soulmates. Like I said, when we are attracted to someone the way that that feeling kind of reacts and is created in our body is through the release of dopamine. Dopamine is also associated with a lot of addictive practices like gambling and drug addiction and alcohol addiction. It could be that the release and the varied release of dopamine by this person is causing you to become addicted to them because they are a source of real joy and pleasure and bliss. I think also it's worth considering alternative models. Not everyone believes in soulmates, and that's completely valid. It does have a lot of spiritual connos connotations, you know, the idea of a soul and of a twin flame of someone that you're divinely and you're meant to meet them and they're meant to be in your life. But there are some other perspectives. I have friends who I really admire and I really agree with them when they tell me that relationships aren't meant to be divine spiritual things. They aren't meant to be easy. They might not meant to be instant, but they take effort and they require work. And the person who you love the most might not necessarily be the best partner for you. The person who you believe is your twin flame, and who you connect with on that really deep level maybe isn't who you should end up with. It's the person who matches you the best, who suits your personality the best, who wants to shares the similar values as you do, who would be a good partner because you know that you're going to work well together even after that initial spark may have faded. Well, everyone, I hope you enjoyed this brief synthesis around some of the psychology behind twin flames and the idea that we might have a soulmate. I think regardless of what you believe, it does feel amazing when you connect with someone really deeply, whether they are someone you're romantically interested in, or a friend, or you know, even a sibling or a parent, someone who you feel this deep, intuitive relationship with. So if that's what you're after, go for it. I think some of the other theories that we discussed are really interesting about where that could lead us. If we believe that there is one love that is destined to be ours, it might result in you're giving up on something that could be really great before you've really tried it out because you have these deal breakers because you have this notion and belief in love. I'm not telling you to settle, but it is I think some research to kind of take in and to apply to your own perspective and attitude towards love. It's also worth considering some of those other theories, those biological theories, love bombing, addiction, the right time, putting work into relationships. All in all of an incredibly interesting topic and one that I had a lot of fun researching. Like I always say when I end these episodes, if this resonated with you, if you enjoy this content, and if you feel cooled to do so, please feel free to leave a five star review on Apple or Spotify. It really helps the podcast grow and we have so many new listeners at the moment. Hello to you all, and to all of you who've reached out to me. It is just insane to me. I really, I just can't fathom how many people want to listen to my voice. I don't even know it's yeah, I'm kind of stumbling over my words a little bit, but I feel really, really grateful, so thank you for all of your support. It really is just insane. It blows my mind and I really appreciate it. Follow us on Instagram. It's where I get a lot of my topic ideas from. So if you have something that we haven't talked about before that you think would be a really good match with some of these psychological explanations, shoot it. Shoot it to me, send it to me. I will read it, and I will let you know what I think, and hopefully we'll be able to integrate it into a future episode. But thank you so much for listening. Enjoy your lovely, beautiful weeks, your weekends wherever you are in the world, and I will see you next week for another episode.