The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3

Santa welcomes you back to the North Pole. I hope
you've California sobered up and can remember what happened in
our previous episode. But if not, jolly old Saint Nick
will hang jog your memory. After a rocky start delivering Christmas,
not to mention breaking out of TSA prison, Bernie started
to get the hang of stealing my identity. Christmas was
going off without a hitch, but as I continued on
my journey of Jewish weed themed miracles, the slaves, autopilot
accidentally got turned back on. Bernie and I were lured
back to the North Pole by the elves, who were
not Jolly but Bernie like a difficult Jew. But Bernie,
like a typical Jew, refused to admit defeat. She evaded
Santa's helpers and stole the sleigh. I tagged along, stuck
in a Munchie theme miracle, and we took off in
hopes that Bernie could be the Jew who saved Christmas.
Like a.
For the record, it is in this.
I really like that episode. Three Exterior Night Sky Oregon
pst The wind whips through Santa and Bernie's hair as
Santa chomps a clouds oom gotten candy.
Careful, you don't want to gain the four twenty twenty.
We're in my case fifty God, what a rush? Did
you see me? Own that takeoff? I didn't know you
were going to be there, and I still just went
for it. I could see how you get hooked on
this every year? What do we got left?
Santa hands Bernie the magical scroll, which is now covered
in chocolate goo. Bernie jewish Mother's the list by licking
your finger and wiping goo away.
Am I reading this wrong? It seems like there's hardly
any deliveries in this area.
Santa looks over at the list and with a mouthful
of cheese swipes, the naughty list appears and is massive.
Whoa all these kids are on the naughty list?
Santa nods again, hyper focused on finishing the cheese crumbs
in his beard.
So they just don't get presents?
Col Santa holds up a honking piece of black coal.
That's literally worse than getting anything. Who even decides who's
bad or good or the elval room? Do you even
consider what these kids have gone through, how this is
gonna affect them. That's some self fulfilling prophecy bullshit. You know,
maybe I wouldn't constantly fuck up if my family didn't
anticipate me constantly fucking up? What even is considered naughty? Like, like,
what did Chase Byron do that was so bad?
She clicks the name and the description pops up.
Told fifteen hundred people to kill themselves online. Okay, yeah,
that one's pretty bad. But maybe he's from a broken home,
or having a hard time, or just needs someone to
believe in him.
Bernie goes off on a tie rate of justice.
Yeay, you know what, God, this is exactly what is
wrong with this world. Cancel culture. It's as old as time.
As Bernie stands on her soapbox, Santa mid lollipop lake
freezes his eyes spring open. We enter, and an ugly
Christmas sweater unravels, turning into the dangling teasy of tali
a Menora's seventh candle gets lit and Benjamin's floating head appears.
Miracle seven, Feel all the fields and get for clothes.
We zoom out of Santa's eye as Bernie finishes her rant.
Ever heard of catch more bees with honey? Hurt people?
Hurt people when they go low, we go high.
Bernie notices Santa's bottom lip quivering. Ooh, Santa erupts into
a fit of tears.
Why are you crying?
Oh you're right, you are so right. Who am I
to judge? I'm not perfect, I'm a funster?
Oh no, pms miracle great.
Hey, look, Bernie moves all of the kids on the
naughty list to the nice list.
We can make this right. Time will slow down just
enough so that we can deliver Chris to everyone. But
in order to make that happen, I need you to
keep your shit together. Can you do that?
Santa emotionally nods.
Great. They must give these little delinquents a Christmas.
They won't forget smash too. Interior Portland family Home. Later,
Bernie has the Santa had on delivering presents. Santa sees
a framed family Christmas photo. It's so wholesome. He erupts
into tears. The upstairs lights flash on. Bernie grabs Santa
and ushers him to the chimney before they get caught. Interior,
Seattle Boathouse. Later, Bernie sets presents down under the tree.
She sees a little kid's drawing left for Santa. Bernie
hands it to him. It's just two damn wholesome ooh,
he erupts into tears. Bernie heavy sighs. Interior British Columbia farmhouse. Later,
when Bernie finishes checking the list twice, she discovers Santa
isn't there, Santa. She creeps up the stairs and finds
Santa in a child's bedroom. The kid is asleep, cuddled
up with their golden retriever. Santa looks from the Hallmark
card moment over to Bernie.
Don't Santa erupts into tears, smash back to exterior night sky.
Later.
You just couldn't keep it together, could you.
No?
Well, luckily we only have Alaska left, and they'll probably
mistake your wailing for a wolf.
Bernie's stomach growls.
Good thing, Alaska's small. I'm starving. Did Munchie Santa clean house?
Or are there any snacks left?
Oh? Great, so your body's shaving me too. Everyone talks
about my big round belly like it doesn't have hurt.
Well, I am being one hundred percent right now, and
I tell you that I genuinely cannot wait for the
next miracle.
Santa's I spring open, We enter and emerge in the desert.
The Star of Bethlehem shines bright above a manger until
it becomes a flame that lights a Manora's eighth and
final candle, Benjamin's floating head appears Miracle eight.
You're a star of David.
We zoom out of Santa's.
I maybe there's a nibble in the sack, a Christmas orange. Perhaps.
Bernie stretches to feel around the sack. She realizes it's
completely empty.
Uh. I know not a ton of people live in Alaska,
but there's legit nothing in here.
Bernie gets up, hands Santa the reins and puts her
entire body inside the.
Bag, Like, actually nothing, no presence. What do we do?
Do we call the elves? Like magically refill it or something?
Bernie rejoins Santa.
Hello, Emo, Santa, what's the plan here?
Santa smiles a weird smug grin. He leans against the
sleigh like, don juan me.
You what.
I'm the plan. I'm Santa.
I'm not following you have a way to get more presents.
I am the presence.
Santa kicks his feet on the dash.
Oh, these kids don't need toys, they need me. I
am Chris Christmas and my presence will be their present.
You dig no you're saying you're not going to give
them gifts. You're just going to I actually do not
understand the second part of the plan.
Santa plucks the hat from Bernie's head and wears him
way too far back like a hipster beanie.
Oh, Bernie, Bernie, Bernie, you are not sent and therefore
cannot use your human yellow brain to comprehend the greatness
that is me.
Okay, I get it. You've gone through another miracle, your
douche Santa. Awesome.
What's awesome is this Santa pulls a full Christmas hand
from behind Bernie's ear.
God, is that ham? Was that really in my ear?
You put a ham in a Jewish person's canal?
Now imagine that in a kiddo's bedroom. I've woken them
up from a deep slumber. I allow them to post
it on Instagram. They're a fly is kidd in class
thanks to me?
Okay, So, just to get this straight, you want to
sneak into a miner's private bedroom, startle them awake with
meat magic, and then have them post it without parental consent,
documenting the evidence of everything I just stated.
Santa nods enthusiastically.
We're gonna get arrested again.
Santa gets distracted by his reflection in the side mirrors.
He likes what he sees. Bernie grabs the list.
What do these kids ask for?
Bernie swipe? The list looks like a maze mess with
delivery error messages flashing over multiple names.
Oh my god, I gave the nice kids gifts to
the naughty kids. How do we get more gifts?
Wrap this?
Santa blows her a kiss.
Oh my god, Oh my god, I just ruined Christmas
for the entire state of Alaska, the suicide capital of America. Okay,
there's got to be something we can do. We could,
we could break into them all.
Santa brushes his long hair and puts it into a man.
butN steal some gifts. The elves can replace them later.
Alaska small, It shouldn't be a big thing.
You want to see a thing? No, what is it
I'm talking.
About, Santa?
No?
What about cute?
I owe you notes with very spec if it promises,
so they know Christmas is real, Just like a.
Little late Santa Claus doesn't owe the children. They owe
Santa for being an eye call.
Yeah, dude, not helpful. Gus Don sands to be quiet
for a minute, so I can think of a way
to fix this giant mess I've made.
Santa stands up, chest puffed out.
How dare you talk to the King of Peace that way?
Okay, that's Jesus. We could rob a candy place or
a close toy store. Does this thing of gps?
Bernie looks at the dials on the sleigh Bernadette. Santa
puts his hands on her shoulders. The weight of him
comes her slightly.
I have a plan, you do, I do?
Bernie sighs with relief.
Christmas gets delivered the way it's supposed to buy Santa
and Santa alone.
Santa shoves Bernie out of the sleigh. Bernie is shocked
and barely has time to gasp as she tumbles through
the night sky. She screams as she gains speed. She
looks up to see give me the old chin flick
fuck you gesture, but he doesn't realize that gold magic
escaped his fingertips and is flying towards Bernie. Bernie loses consciousness,
but just in time, the magic from Santa's flick slows
Bernie down. She softly lands atop a roof, flat on
her back. Exterior rooftop Alaska continuous. Bernie's safe for a
moment until she starts to slide down the icy slope.
She hits the ledge and tumbles off. Luckily, her legs
get tangled and the string lights, and her body dangles
upside down. She smacks into someone's living room window. Her
shirt gets pulled over her head, and her exposed bra flashes.
A couple sipping coffee. Bernie knocks on the window a
little help. Exterior ANC Airport, Alaska, early morning. Bernie waves
goodbye the jarred couple as they drive away from departures.
Thank you, I'm sorry.
Bernie enters the automatic doors and walks up to interiors.
Spirit Airlines check and counter continuous. Bernie hands the Spirit
liaison her ID.
First ticket to Chicago, please.
The liaison scans Bernie's ID. She pauses and looks up
to Bernie. She tries not to give anything away, but
it's clear something's up.
Excuse me just one second.
The liaison disappears with Bernie's ID. Bernie checks her phone.
Five new messages from Rommy flashed before her. Distracted Bernie
doesn't see tsa security and police approaching. They grab her
wrists and cuff her off.
Hey, what are you? What's happening, ma'am? You're on the
no fly list. Merry Christmas.
Bernie is dragged out of sight.
Courice from bound. Yeah, what's up?
Interior interrogation room. Later, Bernie sits alone a cup of
stale coffee, her only company. She tries to get TSA's attention.
Hello, I have to pee. You can't just it's been
an hour. I have rights. Alaska is still America? Right?
The TSA agent enters with a phone. He offers it
to Bernie.
Is this a lawyer? Don't I get to pick my own?
Why was he telling me the rules?
The TSA agent leaves, and Bernie slowly puts the phone
to her ear.
Hello, Bernie, it's me.
It's Gimbal.
Gimbal from the airport. No, no, I know who you are.
You're the reason I'm in here. What he can a gloat? Well,
there's no need congratulations, I'm finally getting mine. I'm at
rock bottom. Enjoy what's left.
I'm not calling to salt your cash. I'm calling to
get you out of there.
Why Santa, Santa Santa, I don't.
Know, and I don't know what you were doing with
him why he chose a jack off to Bronie like
you to do it with.
But I know this.
When I saw what I saw, it erased twenty years
of torment. I hadn't been right along.
It's real.
I let everyone convinced me I was crazy, But thanks.
To you, I know I'm not.
Wow.
A lot to unpack there, but I'm crazy or not.
I don't think you're going to be able to get
me out of airport prison. I'm pretty sure leaving a
hole in the roof of O'Hare made me a terrorist.
There is no hole.
What the repaired itself?
I don't understand, and the brutally attacked officers don't remember
a thing.
Concuist.
So yeah, so, so you're telling me all of the
evidence of us being arrested is just what magically erased.
Oh no, I'm sorry to mislead. I had to burst
the security footage blockabil and a rehearsal.
Thank god. What's the nicest, most illegal thing anyone's ever
done for me?
I didn't do it for you.
I did it for him. Bernie doesn't know what to say,
She doesn't know what to believe. The phone goes dead.
The door to the room swings open.
All right, you've been cleared, free to go.
Bernie shakes her head in disbelief. She pauses as she
passes the agent.
This experience made me realize how unsafe our country really is.
Thank you for your service.
Bernie salutes the TSA agent and exits interior airplane. Later,
Bernie is in flight as the captain comes over the loudspeakers.
We are officially out of our ascent, and the seatbelt
sign is off, so you're free to walk about the cabin.
It's Christmas morning, so I want to wish everyone a
very merry Christmas to you and yours.
The Christmas wishes devastate Bernie. The plane hits some turbulence.
The woman next to Bernie jumps the armrest.
Sorry, I'm a terrible fire me too.
Bernie realizes she's actually at ease in the air, not
at all afree. She looks out the window at the
dark sky and surprised to see Santa. No one else
notices him. Santa stands on the bed of the sleigh, shouting.
I'm the King of the world.
We travel through the airplane window into Santa's I. We
enter and all goes dark. A Manora with eight candles,
dwindling down finally burns out. We zoom out of Santa's
eye and back to Bernie. Bernie watches Santa's eyes roll
into the back of his head. With no one steering
the sleigh, it hits the side of the plane. The
plane's engine explodes upon impine, the sleigh falls off, disappearing
beneath the clouds.
Folks, we've lost an engine.
We need to make an emergency landing back at A
and see. Please buckle your seatbelts and remain seated.
For our desceps. Bernie gives one last look out the
window santa exterior. A se arrivals later that morning. Bernie
takes a deep breath and dials romy It goes to voicemail.
Hey rom it's me. I'm in Alaska. It's a long story,
but the point is I'm not going to make it
home in time to clean up. I know what you're
gonna say. I should have let you help with the
cleanup and the party and my entire life. I just
I really wanted to do it on my own. I'm
big surprise to no one. I couldn't can't anyway, You
were right, I'm a disaster I'll look for a new
place when I get back. Mom and Dad have dealt
with me long enough. So have you, honestly, so have I.
Bernie cuts herself off when she sees Vixen standing in
the loading zone like a taxi. Bernie hangs up and
approaches Vixen.
What are you doing here? Where's Santa?
Vixen gestures her head to her back.
You want me to ride you like a common mule.
Vixen blows and nods. A little girl tugs on her
busy mother's shirt and points at Vixen having a horse
convo with Bernie.
It's Alaska, honey, it happens. I can't go with you,
vix You're in this mess because of me, and if
I get more involved, I'll just make it worse.
Vixen bites Bernie.
I'm serious, I am a walking plate. I try to
take an issuetive, I try to take charge, and everyone
just ends up wishing I didn't. Well, I'm gonna save
them the trouble. I'm going home.
Bernie tries to leave, but Vixen bites her shirt. Vixen
yanks Bernie backwards, lifting Bernie onto Vixen's back in one
fill swoop. When Bernie lands, Vixen makes a she's so
heavy horse sound.
Whoy.
Okay, that's rude, Vixen. Vixen, let me down. I'm not
like a horse girl, and I've already tested my limits
of today.
Vixen takes off and Bernie holds on for dear life.
Exterior random glacier.
You liked it the first.
Exterior random Glacier. Later, Vixen gently lands as Bernie's frozen
bod falls to the ice blitz and grabs a blanket
with his horse teeth and drapes it over Bernie. Bernie
pats him on the head and makes her way to
the sleigh. Santa has passed out cold. Bernie nervously takes
his pulse.
Please be okay.
Santa's pulse beats to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think that's a good sign.
Bernie leans into Santa.
I know you're done with the eight miracles, but I
really need one more. Okay, please wake up.
Santa stays comatose.
Santa, I am so sorry I did this to you.
You didn't come to my house for a reason. Why
would Christmas be about me? I hijack your holiday because JK.
Rowling was right. I'm a Jewish goblin, but I swear
to you I will get you home to the right
people for the job so they can help. You should
have just done that in the first place.
Bernie picks up the damaged radio.
Hello else, sat meek, do you copy?
Do you read static?
Hello? It's Bernie may Day. We need help.
Please more static. Bernie throws down the radio. She thinks
for a moment and looks to the reindeer.
Guys, I need you to take us back to the pole.
The magic GaX stare blankly at her.
Come on, you know the way you've been doing this
for billions of years.
Bix And snorts. That's wrong.
Please just get him home. Do it for him. I
know you can do it, your actual magic. Please save Santo. Okay,
just get him hold I'm okay. Dasher, come on, Dancer, Prancer.
The reindeer start to trot. Bernie sits up a little straighter.
She realizes she's triggering them by saying their names on Dasher.
On, Dancer, on Prancer, and fixing on Coral on Michael
on something John Jinglehamer. I don't know, Please just go
stupid Marcus and Blitzen. You guys are being annoying. You
know what I mean. Just come on, Bronnie, Bobby Ricky
and Mike, Ralph Johnny move your ass.
The reindeer, who have paused to stare at Bernie with disdain,
roll their eyes and wiggle their butts.
You're gonna do it, aren't you.
The reindeer gallop and take off into the dark morning
sky to the ball interior exterior the real North Pole. Later,
in Koco's tavern, the elves sit in silence, slamming down eggnog.
Hit me.
The bartender pours another noob, breaking the melancholy Bernie runs
through the doors once again. She's dressed like a Christmas idiot.
Hi, I'm back. I was on a plane and Santa
crashed it, and then he ran out of miracles, and
I think of Blue as system because now he's catatonic
and the slaves all messed up with the flying phones.
Got me here? Okay, now we need your.
Help, Bernie squad says. She catches her bread. The elves
don't react.
Hello, elves, did you hear me? Santa needs you? It
needs us.
Why your tartan toush can do it all alone?
Right, the rest of the elves.
Are you drunk?
So I had a little param It was a rough night,
Bernie Gould sought.
Me, please. I know tonight was rough because of me,
but there are bigger issues at hand here. Santa's a wreck,
the slaves damage, and we ran out of present. Don't
you think we already snow that? How?
We have eyes everywhere?
Ever heard of elf on a shelf?
A Roto pulls out a magical device that shows security
fooage from hidden cameras placed in the eyes of elves
on their shelves from around the world. We focus in
on footage of a person using the toilet.
I always parents wouldn't put them in the bathroom.
If you know about this, then why aren't you doing something?
If I recall, you didn't seem to chim meet us
when you turned off autopilot.
And stilled a slat.
Bernie's about to argue, but stops.
You're right.
The elves weren't expecting this. They don't know how to react.
I didn't listen. I didn't accept your help because that's
what I do. I've been doing it my whole life.
Bernie reflects, taking a moment to herself.
My best friend filled out a job application so i'd
stop stalling. Do you think I thanked her?
The Elves don't know if it's rhetorical.
No, No, I pushed her away because I wanted her
to think that I was capable of doing it on
my own.
I'm not.
Or how are my parents and shitty sister offering to
help throw a family party? Did I use it as
an opportunity to bond and spend quality time together?
The Elves still don't know if she wants them to respond.
Of course not.
I shut them out because I'd rather prove that they
should have had faith in me in the first place.
And why wouldn't they, Right, I've only botched every other
social event I've been in charge of, and those examples
are just from the past twenty four hours.
So Ernie sits down defeated.
Yeah, I really wanted to believe that when the real
life Santa Claus showed up at my house on a
night when I really needed it, he was there to
prove that I could finally be trusted, depended on, believed in.
And then you guys came on the radio and you
echoed all of the things I'd been running from and
I wanted so badly to show you and everyone else
that you were all wrong about me. But the thing
is I knew you weren't, and I took Christmas hostage anyway,
And for what. It doesn't matter if Eve, or my
parents or even Santo believes in me, because the truth
is I don't believe in myself.
This was hard to say. Bernie looks up at the elves,
who have tears streaming down their faces.
So I'm here to give you the reins because he
needs you, the world needs you. There's still time or
there isn't. I have zero grasp and how the time
stuff works, but I know this, if anyone can get
the job done, it's you, puppet look and laborers. And
I think it's time for the elf to get off
the goddamn shelf and get to work to save Christmas.
The elves are pumped up by Bernie's speech. They flip
where they stand, hopping on each other's heads and shoulders.
Knowing that Christmas is finally in the right hand. Bernie
creeps out the door. Hey, Bernie turns around, confused.
We're in the pear tree. Do you think you're going somewhere?
It can be out of your hair and not ruin
things further? Did you not hear my big speech?
Stany crosses to Bernie and climbs on a stool so
he's level with her.
You got us into this Chris mess, and you're not
gonna stick around to do your partridge.
Look. I know what you're doing, and it's really nice,
but I don't need a pity invite. It's not pity.
We're gonna need a miracle to pull this off in time.
And I hear your holiday has a few of those,
don't they?
Yeah, eight, but it's a lot. I know your kind's frugal,
but
you think you could share? Because we need all the
help we can get.
Stany puts out his elf hand. Bernie pauses, thinking before
she smiles and grabs his four fingers to.
Shake count this stingy Bitchin.
Montage cua rock and roll Christmas song. While Bernie and
the Elves get to work in the town square, the
elves fourth lift, passed out Santa out of the sleigh,
put him on a stretcher, and march him into a
spa called the Manger. In the barn, the elves are
at work fixing the sleigh and grooming the reindeer. As
Bernie oversees.
You might want to add a safety feature so it's
harder to turn off the autopilot. Just a suggestion.
At the Manger Spa, Santa is observed by elves. They
watch from behind glass as maple syrup is administered through
a long IV tube into Santa's danes. They hold their breath,
but Santa remains unconscious. At the toy warehouse, the elves
work over a conveyor belt. They're assembling Lol dolls. One
by one. Bernie grabbed one of the dolls and submerges
it into water. The once new doll now appears to
be wearing lingerie. Bernie looks over at an elf with judgment,
and he gives her a pervy smile. At the Manger Spa,
Bernie checks in on Santa, who is now in a
room covered in mistletoe. One by one, each elf kisses
Santa on the lips and waits for him to awaken.
Bernie leans over to one of the elves.
How is this sobering him up?
True Love's kiss?
Missus Klaws didn't do the.
Trick Bernie's sighs at the madness. At the toy warehouse,
Bernie takes inventory. They're short gifts, and Elf leads Bernie
to a vault stocked with wall to wall electronics. They
have all the big boy toys. Bernie looks to the Elf, impressed.
We used to make them ourselves, but now we outsource.
Apple really is everywhere.
Bernie checks the missing presence off the list at the
manger spot. Santa is in Asaua, where instead of steam,
powdered sugar fills the room. Exterior town square end of montage.
All of the Yells have formed an assembly line and
are passing each other wrapped gifts to put into the
fresh sleigh. Sotnik is checking the gifts off.
Two hundred thousand and one two hundred thousand and two
Alaska is ready to be delivered.
The elves jump and glee, celebrating as they do by
hopping and bopping all over the town.
They hug Bernie, one of them.
We did it.
The elves run towards Santa, who is back to the
Santa we all know and love. He's a sober Santa.
Bernie has forgotten and awkwardly stands alone as the elves
around the man in red wa got you.
Never like that.
You were stiffer than a chewyches nut. Thank god you're alive.
Now you can deliver Christmas.
Christmas is sad.
We love your Saday class.
Sanda gets in the sleigh, puts on his hat, tight
his gloves, and gets ready to take off, but he
stops suddenly looking around Bernie.
Bernie Gold.
The elves part and exposed Bernie, who was trying to
hide in the back.
Oh hey, so glad you're feeling better, good luck and sorry?
Are you ready?
Huh?
You are joining me? Aren't you me?
You want me to come? Wait, like you're gonna drop
me off on the way, or.
Well, if it's all right by you, I could use
a hand finishing the job.
But I don't understand. Aren't you furious with me?
Well I guess I should be furious, but not with you.
I don't follow you.
See, Bernie, I've been doing Christmas the same waiver over
one thousand, six hundred and eighty six years. Turns out
wasn't just the sleigh that was riding on autopilot. Then
you came along and you made my eyes bloodshot and
wide open. You did that. I did o. Yes, Bernie,
it was you who told that little girl about the
jolly side of divorce. Oh it's so good when parents
destroy their children. I would have just given her a
toy and erased her memory of me ever being there.
But you, you connected with her and helped more than
any gift ever could.
I didn't think it was that big a deal.
And how about that party. I never stopped to partake
in the jubileants. I'm usually watching the fun from outside
a frosted window. I forgot how it felt to be
included in a Christmas celebration. I clearly have enough time
to indulge every now and then, do you.
I still don't understand how the time thing works. It
has to be daytime in Alaska by now.
And as for the Naughty List, the very reason we
ran out of gifts for the children.
Ernie bows her head in shame.
You made me realize that I have been too harsh
a judge. You believed in the naughty kids in a
way I didn't. And now because of you, they'll have
a real shot at being nice because someone showed them
some Christmas kindness.
Bernie smiles.
I've delivered Christmas alone. Since it's dawn and I never
realized how lonely it could be. I'd really like to
finish this year's delivery with you. I guess even Santa
needs a little help a lot.
Alpha holds up his hands and they are blistered and bleeding.
Santa holds out his hand to Bernie.
What do you say one last ride?
I'd be honored.
Santa helps Bernie up into the sleigh.
Wait, Bernie, we have one last gift.
The elves march over a long blue box with a
silver bow.
Happy, Cha, Cha with your track record. I am so
nervous about what this is gonna be.
Bernie opens the gift. Inside is a fitted blue crushed
velvet suit with a star of David embroidered on the back.
Bernie is surprised and touched.
Now come Christmas.
Look good.
Exterior dark winter solstice morning sky Alaska. A Christmas song
flays as Santa and Bernie in her new fit fly
past a welcome to Alaska's sign. The sleigh flies over
a mining town built into a mountain side, with carts
and copper decorating the scene. The echoes of children waking
up to Christmas miracles follow the sleigh. Mom, Santa came
while we were sleeping.
Look at all the toy.
The sleigh passes over a frozen leg, where an ice
fisherman sees them and is stunned. The sleigh continues over
a quaint railroad town.
Wow, I didn't think I was gonna get anything this year.
Thanks Mom. Oh, that wasn't me. My didn't get you anything.
The sleigh flies. The sleigh flies through the magical northern
lights and grazes by national parks. Finally, the sleigh passes
over a reservation with fur hanging and dog sleds rigged
and ready. This is the best Christmas ever.
I loved you meet.
New Alaskan voices of gratitude and love start to overlap
and fill the air. Santa sleigh makes a U turn
and heads into the rising sun. Alaska's Christmas has been delivered.
Exterior Bernie's parents' house front porch Christmas Day, Santa and
Bernie stand awkwardly at her front door. Bernie tucks some
curls behind her ear.
I had a really nice time, Santa.
Oh, me too. I'm really glad I went to the
wrong house and that I didn't check the list twice.
I'm really glad you didn't turn out to be a
Christmas themed murderer. So, oh we're supposed to laugh my bottom?
They laughed.
So you really liked having me tag along?
Do you bet your boots?
Does that mean I can come again next year?
Oh?
No, okay, I betta go face the music. My family
went to lunch, but I doubt there's enough bagels and
locks in the world to buy me time to clean
up before they get home and then disown me.
Bernie, what you did last night would make every family
in the world proud to have you as a member.
Bernie smiles and turns her back to Santa as she
futts us with her keys.
Yeah, well, my parents aren't gonna believe the whole I
went on a Christmas adventure with Santa.
Bernie turns around and Santa is gone.
That's rude.
Bernie looks up at the sky and waves to a
blip of red whizzing by. She takes a deep breath
and enters her home. Interior Bernie's parents' house, living room continuous.
It's worse than she remembered. The fireplace is in shambles.
There's broken glass, soot and food splattered everywhere. Santa's boot
imprints are etched into the carpet. It's bad. Bernie enters
the closet to grab a broom. When she hears her
family unlock the front door, Bernie braces herself.
Oh my god, Bernie, get out here.
Bernie re enters the living room and is shocked to
see the place. Immaculate fresh lock is are plaited on
the table. Gelt bags and gifts line the mantle that
is completely intact. Hanika decorations out of a Kodashian theme
party take over the room. It's warm, inviting, and lovely.
Bernie's whole family is in disbelief. Fry his tears in
her eyes.
Did you do all of this by yourself? I had
a little help. Happy Hanukkah. I'm so happy your home,
and I'm so sorry for everything.
It was an accident, honey, could have happened to anyone.
Rommie rolls her eyes.
What are you wearing?
Bernie in her velvet suit, shuts Rommie up by throwing
her arms around her and embracing her in a hug.
I should have let you hope with the party. You're
really good at this stuff, and I want to do
more things together. I love you.
Rommy is uncomfortable, but let's a tiny bit of affection in.
I'll call Gary and tell them to bring the rest
of the kids over.
Tell them it's a honic americle. You don't know how
correct that statement actually is.
Bernie takes a bite out of a loko. When she
sees Rommy about to eat a chocolate chip cookie, Bernie
runs over to knock it out of her sister's hands. No,
everyone looks at her in shock.
Those have peanuts.
Bernie dumps the cookies in the trash. A little later,
Bernie's extended family plays Dradele. They spin, Spin, Spin, laugh,
eat and be married. Friend lands on gimmel, gimme your money.
You get it, Bubby, It's okay, Sam, I've got more
gals barribe.
Bernie heads to the garage. Suddenly the front door busts open.
It's Eve. She's still in her pajamas and looks like
she's had a rough night. Eve frantically runs into the
living room, still catching her breath.
Bernie's missing.
Eve paces phrenetically, spilling her guts.
Last time I spoke to her was nine hours ago,
and she was not answering her phone. She was off
with some some bearded zeus who I know is not
her uncle. I need to get my fucking glasses. Okay,
last time I spoke to her was nine hours ago.
She was not answering her phone. She was off with
some bearded zeus who I know wasn't her uncle Mark
TSI told me she got arrested, and I logged under
her account and it says she was on a flight
that made an emergency.
Landen in Alasta.
The family stares at Eve in confusion.
Oh wait, wait, I think I get what's going on here.
Bernie tried to do that weird Alaska prank on me too,
but I didn't fall for it because I'm not an idiot.
Why aren't you doing anything?
Didn't you hear what I said? Bernie's in trouble.
Eve looks up in shock at Bernie, who has re
entered the living room. Eve runs to Bernie and wraps
her arms around her.
Bernie, you're a life.
Thank god.
The family watches them with judgment.
Well, now that that's settled, Eve care to spin.
The girls break their hug and Eve takes her place
with the family. She spins the Drado no.
Sit.
Watch.
We pan off of the family delight to the mantle
a mention. A bench's eyes suddenly spring to life, glowing
like the elf on the shelves did Bernie feels the
gaze and stares at the doll. It winks at her.
She jumps, laughter and ignorant bliss drown out the scene Chiron.
One year later, interior O'Hare Christmas Eve. The airport is
once again decked with Holly. Bernie and Eve, both sporting
the Spirit Airlines flight attendant uniform, are on the moving walkway.
Eve has been timing Bernie's speech.
We asked that you make sure that all carry on
luggage just stowed away safely during the flight. While we
wait for takeoff, Please take a moment to review the
safety day to card in the front.
Really good.
We asked that you make sure that all carry on
luggage just stowed away safely during the flight. While we
wait for takeoff, Please take a moment to review the
safety data card in the seat pocket in front of you.
Three minutes a new record.
Yes, you're gonna nail your first flight.
Couldn't have done it without you.
I know we did it together. Bernie and Eve arrived
at a checkpoint and show their badges to Agent Gimbal,
who winks at Bernie as she passes. Eve notices the exchange.
It's his passion. Yeah, Bernie and Eve reach you fork.
They pause to say goodbye.
Wish me walk Look, it's just destiny in disguise.
Stop quoting your psychic sorry pastor, Very Christmas, Bernie.
Eve walks away, and Bernie looks up through the glass
roof of O'Hara Airport and into the sky. We see
a plane takeoff in moments later. If you squint hard enough,
a sleigh.
Merry Christmas.
The end Ye