325 | Art of the Session: Why Reflecting Content Keeps You Engaged Without Taking Over

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi,

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I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode,

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we are continuing the Art of the Session series,

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and we have been looking at

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individual skills.

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The limited set of options

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for our responses in a playroom.

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And last week we talked about tracking behavior,

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this week we're talking about reflecting content.

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But before we dive in,

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a couple of

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housekeeping items.

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First and foremost,

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we just got back from our son's final

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summer travel season

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tournament.

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So we have a couple of weeks break before the fall season starts,

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and he had his best weekend ever.

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I'm just gonna brag on my kid for a second.

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He had his best weekend ever

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in baseball.

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He hit,

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he pitched,

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he fielded.

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He actually pitched a complete game on Sunday.

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And

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it,

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it was one of those moments.

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I was

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sitting,

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my parents actually came to the game,

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and I'm sitting in between Eric and my parents,

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and I just had this

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feeling or this sense

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that

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when

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You,

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either you individually or you collectively.

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have

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invested everything in something.

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Our son since he was 3 years old,

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has been all in on baseball.

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And so

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the little league,

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the travel ball,

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the high school team,

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the lessons,

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the equipment,

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the gear,

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the traveling,

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the weekends,

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the practices that you name it.

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Buying him new baseball gloves every 2 months because

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he rips a hole in them every 2 months.

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I'm like,

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how does one

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get a hole in a baseball glove every 2 months like clockwork?

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Anyway,

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we live at Dick's Sporting Goods.

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But the point is,

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when you

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have invested everything and you're all in on something.

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And you watch it.

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Come to fruition in front of you.

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It is literally the most satisfying feeling,

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and I just sat there going,

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this is what we've been all in for this is what

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we've worked so hard for this is what we've invested,

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this is what we've committed to

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and it was so

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satisfying and fulfilling and rewarding

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to have that realization as I sat and watched him pitch so.

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If you want to

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make this less about me and more about you,

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you,

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you can think about the moment

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when it all comes together for you with CCPT.

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Because I know how much each and every one of you invest and commit and are all in.

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So if it hasn't already,

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there will be a time

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when you sit there and realize this is what I've worked for.

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So just a little encouragement,

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not really that I was going there,

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but

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wanted to share my baseball story too.

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All right,

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and then really quickly,

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I don't know if

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you've been on the fence,

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if you've been thinking about it,

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but Six-Figure Play Therapist is starting real soon,

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August 28th.

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So go to www.playtherapynow.com and schedule a discovery call

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with me if you are interested in joining that group.

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Have a couple of spots and it'll be Thursdays at 5 EST.

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So just PSA because I know a lot of you wait till the last minute.

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I,

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I know,

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I know the mentality of therapists.

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I grew up.

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As the procrastinator in my family,

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which is really ironic because I'm the only oldest in my family,

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so I don't know how that worked.

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I think I just got sick of being the only oldest or something.

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So

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I,

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I learned that I could just wait till the last minute and

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then at one point my brother looked at me and was like,

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Well,

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if you wait till the last minute,

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it only takes a minute to do it.

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And that's just been

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my phrase ever since.

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So I am a procrastinator.

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I get it,

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but don't procrastinate because you will not have a spot.

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They're going fast.

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So I'm just letting you know if you're thinking about it,

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don't wait or you're gonna have to

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postpone your start date until probably January.

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So anyway,

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another one will come.

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You haven't missed out forever,

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but you'll miss out for now.

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All righty,

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let's dive into reflecting content.

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So,

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as we're thinking about the reflective responses,

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They

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are geared

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to make sure the child

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feels that we are engaged

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in

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their play session,

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even if we haven't been invited as an active participant.

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I don't know if that's been made clear

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in the past or if you've had that awareness.

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When we reflect content,

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reflect feeling and track behavior,

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it's so that the child feels that we're a part of their play.

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Even if they haven't said

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come do this with me or come be the cop or come play Jenga or whatever,

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we are actively engaged even though we're not an active participant,

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and the reflective responses give us that ability to do that.

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So when we're reflecting content,

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this is when we say what the child says.

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And

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there are sometimes when kids don't say a word,

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sometimes we have kids that are very quiet,

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sometimes we have kids with selective mutism,

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sometimes we have kids that

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are unable to speak

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because of developmental

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concerns.

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Sometimes they refuse to speak because they hate

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us and they hate being there and they

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hate the notion of everything and so their resistance is to not say a word.

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We never know how much a child's going to speak,

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but we know that we have this tool

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if a child is willing to

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say things in play.

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And the goal of reflecting content

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is to

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either summarize

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what the child has said.

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To paraphrase

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what the child has said

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and to condense what the child has said.

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In other words,

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we're never going to repeat word for word.

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We're never going to say everything that the child has said back to them.

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The goal is a truncated version.

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Cliff's notes,

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if you will,

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of what was said.

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Now that becomes a little trickier if the child says one sentence,

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but you can still do it.

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So child says 11 words in the sentence and you condense it down to 6 or 7,

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and maybe you change a little bit of the words so that it doesn't sound like

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a duplicate.

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Because the danger of reflecting content

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is that a child thinks that you're just

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robotically saying back to them what they've said.

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Or that you sound like a parrot that's just copying them.

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So really helpful thing to keep in mind,

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don't be a robot,

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don't be a parrot.

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So you want to make sure

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that what you say

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is varied enough

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that they're not going to feel that you're just

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replicating everything that comes out of their mouth because then you get,

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stop copying me.

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Why do you Keep saying what I say to you.

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I just said that.

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Stop doing that and then it becomes a power struggle.

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They're frustrated,

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we're not sure where to go from there.

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The way that we work around that is we vary what we say

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from what they say.

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And

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another helpful parallel.

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So we want to summarize,

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paraphrase,

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or condense what was said.

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Do not recite it verbatim.

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But we also

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do that because of the rule of thumb if you can't say it in 10 more gilles don't say it.

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Sometimes a child will talk for 3 minutes.

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And our job

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in the reflection of content

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is to take what they've said

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and share a summary.

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And especially if a kid is talking a lot.

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We talked about what happens if a kid doesn't talk,

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but

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there are also kids that come in and they're motor mouths

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and they talk and talk and talk and talk and talk

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and the struggle then becomes,

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well,

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when do I say a reflection of content because

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they don't really ever pause.

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They just keep going and they keep going and they keep going.

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So I just kind of have to sit there.

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The

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fine line that we walk there

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is we try not to interrupt.

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But we try not to be silent either.

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And this is where the empathic grunts,

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as Landreth calls them,

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I prefer vocables,

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but either way,

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this is where vocables come in.

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In other words,

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if you don't have an opportunity

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to say a full sentence,

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you can say,

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oh,

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wow,

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oh

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wow,

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you're saying something

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while they're telling you,

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if you can say something quick,

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do it,

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but otherwise you wait till they give you their 3 minute diatribe.

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And then you're back to summarizing,

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paraphrasing,

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condensing.

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So they told you this very long,

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detailed story.

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About

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their trip to Busch Gardens.

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Busch Gardens is a,

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an amusement park in Tampa,

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if you have no idea what I'm talking about.

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So they,

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it's actually,

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by the way,

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OK,

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here,

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real quick,

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public service announcement.

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If you come to the Tampa area,

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bypass Orlando completely.

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Do not stop at Disney,

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do not go to Orlando at all.

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Come to the Tampa area,

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just a smidge further

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and go to Busch Gardens.

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It is the most incredible

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place.

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00:09:32,210 --> 00:09:32,890
Rides,

281
00:09:33,049 --> 00:09:33,799
animals,

282
00:09:34,010 --> 00:09:35,010
shows,

283
00:09:35,090 --> 00:09:35,979
shade,

284
00:09:36,609 --> 00:09:37,640
smaller park,

285
00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:39,369
shorter lines.

286
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:41,559
So much fun.

287
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:43,900
You could spend all day looking at animals,

288
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:46,109
you could spend all day riding rides,

289
00:09:46,239 --> 00:09:49,349
you can spend all day going to shows or a combination thereof.

290
00:09:49,599 --> 00:09:50,239
It's cheaper,

291
00:09:50,380 --> 00:09:51,109
it's better,

292
00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:52,270
it's amazing.

293
00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:52,729
So

294
00:09:53,039 --> 00:09:53,590
there you go.

295
00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:54,099
Just,

296
00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:54,820
oh,

297
00:09:54,830 --> 00:09:55,789
and come visit me.

298
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:57,559
Go go to Busch Gardens and

299
00:09:57,840 --> 00:09:58,429
call me up,

300
00:09:58,599 --> 00:09:59,429
we'll hang out.

301
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:00,190
All right,

302
00:10:00,679 --> 00:10:02,789
so let's get back to reflecting content.

303
00:10:04,190 --> 00:10:06,369
My mom told me this weekend when we were at the game,

304
00:10:06,869 --> 00:10:08,780
you've mastered the art of squirreling.

305
00:10:09,489 --> 00:10:10,979
And I kind of looked at her like,

306
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:11,789
what?

307
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,960
But she told me because I can multitask so I'm like

308
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,039
listening to Eric talk to my dad and then I'm watching

309
00:10:17,039 --> 00:10:19,280
the game and then I'm listening to her and so I'm

310
00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:21,469
kind of like attending to too many things at once,

311
00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:22,039
and I,

312
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:25,270
I suspect she just didn't feel like I was paying enough attention to her,

313
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:25,669
so sorry,

314
00:10:25,719 --> 00:10:26,030
mom,

315
00:10:26,239 --> 00:10:28,260
but she told me that I'd mastered the art of squirreling,

316
00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:29,960
so here we are back on track again.

317
00:10:30,940 --> 00:10:34,700
Kids telling you this very long explanation about their trip to Busch Gardens,

318
00:10:35,390 --> 00:10:37,140
and you get 3 minutes' worth of,

319
00:10:37,309 --> 00:10:39,309
we saw the gorillas and we watched the cheetahs run

320
00:10:39,309 --> 00:10:41,260
and we rode the rides and we did the,

321
00:10:41,299 --> 00:10:41,960
the wet

322
00:10:42,070 --> 00:10:44,140
ride where they can squirt you from the top.

323
00:10:44,349 --> 00:10:46,979
And then we did the bird aviary and we fed the birds and then

324
00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:49,830
we went to the ice skating show and then we got popcorn and then,

325
00:10:49,950 --> 00:10:50,190
all right,

326
00:10:50,270 --> 00:10:52,320
so you've got a lot to attend to,

327
00:10:52,390 --> 00:10:52,849
right?

328
00:10:53,150 --> 00:10:55,260
This is why it's really helpful to take in session notes

329
00:10:55,909 --> 00:10:56,659
and then

330
00:10:57,130 --> 00:10:58,619
you have an opportunity.

331
00:10:59,309 --> 00:11:03,580
To reflect feelings because I'm sure some emotions were worked into that story,

332
00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:05,700
but if you're going to reflect content,

333
00:11:06,070 --> 00:11:07,719
you just condense what was said.

334
00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:12,429
You went to Busch Gardens and you did so many things.

335
00:11:13,780 --> 00:11:14,880
I'm counting if that was 10.

336
00:11:14,890 --> 00:11:17,530
You went to Busch Gardens and did so many things.

337
00:11:17,539 --> 00:11:18,159
10.

338
00:11:18,369 --> 00:11:18,799
Look at that,

339
00:11:18,969 --> 00:11:20,090
can't say it in 10 words or less,

340
00:11:20,169 --> 00:11:20,570
don't say it.

341
00:11:20,609 --> 00:11:21,080
All right.

342
00:11:21,369 --> 00:11:21,840
And

343
00:11:22,090 --> 00:11:25,479
that's the way that you can take 3 minutes' worth of content

344
00:11:26,090 --> 00:11:26,880
and reflect it.

345
00:11:27,010 --> 00:11:29,039
And a kid's never gonna feel like you copied them.

346
00:11:29,169 --> 00:11:31,559
A kid's never gonna feel like you interrupted them,

347
00:11:32,130 --> 00:11:33,640
but it serves the same purpose.

348
00:11:33,809 --> 00:11:34,210
I'm here,

349
00:11:34,289 --> 00:11:34,770
I hear you,

350
00:11:34,890 --> 00:11:35,520
I understand,

351
00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:36,080
I care,

352
00:11:36,090 --> 00:11:37,039
and I delight in you.

353
00:11:37,539 --> 00:11:38,799
And if this is important to you,

354
00:11:38,809 --> 00:11:39,760
it's important to me,

355
00:11:39,789 --> 00:11:40,969
and if it's exciting to you,

356
00:11:40,989 --> 00:11:41,929
it's exciting to me,

357
00:11:41,969 --> 00:11:43,210
and if it's interesting to you,

358
00:11:43,219 --> 00:11:44,380
it's interesting to me.

359
00:11:45,340 --> 00:11:48,369
And so you say a real quick little phrase back to them.

360
00:11:49,380 --> 00:11:54,270
So that is the approach when we have kids that talk,

361
00:11:54,309 --> 00:11:54,900
talk,

362
00:11:54,950 --> 00:11:55,020
talk,

363
00:11:55,190 --> 00:11:56,039
you kind of wait,

364
00:11:56,150 --> 00:11:57,380
try not to interrupt,

365
00:11:57,950 --> 00:11:59,020
couple other thoughts.

366
00:11:59,309 --> 00:11:59,900
Your

367
00:12:00,710 --> 00:12:03,820
pace should be pretty consistent with the child's.

368
00:12:04,030 --> 00:12:04,880
In other words,

369
00:12:05,150 --> 00:12:07,359
if they're talking slowly and quietly.

370
00:12:08,169 --> 00:12:10,390
You should reflect content in the same way.

371
00:12:10,659 --> 00:12:13,890
If they're talking loudly and quickly and animatedly.

372
00:12:14,750 --> 00:12:16,760
You're going to match that.

373
00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:19,039
You need to be really

374
00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:20,190
in tune

375
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:21,869
with where the child is

376
00:12:22,119 --> 00:12:26,830
and your pace should be appropriate according to the way they're

377
00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:30,280
delivering their content because you're reflecting their content back to them.

378
00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:31,590
It's not your content,

379
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:32,830
it's their content.

380
00:12:33,119 --> 00:12:37,630
So if they're quiet or if they're hesitant or if they're

381
00:12:38,159 --> 00:12:38,789
slow,

382
00:12:38,919 --> 00:12:41,679
or if they're thinking and pausing,

383
00:12:42,159 --> 00:12:43,760
you can slow down.

384
00:12:44,210 --> 00:12:44,849
The

385
00:12:45,010 --> 00:12:48,320
decibels and the pace of your responses,

386
00:12:48,330 --> 00:12:49,299
and then conversely,

387
00:12:49,330 --> 00:12:50,400
it would be true as well.

388
00:12:51,590 --> 00:12:52,369
Finally,

389
00:12:52,669 --> 00:12:54,739
your personality really matters in this.

390
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,630
And I don't want this to be misunderstood,

391
00:12:58,679 --> 00:12:59,750
so let me be clear,

392
00:13:00,039 --> 00:13:01,000
we are neutral.

393
00:13:02,090 --> 00:13:02,979
Neutrality series,

394
00:13:03,059 --> 00:13:04,250
if you did not listen to that,

395
00:13:04,340 --> 00:13:05,349
please go back and

396
00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:07,140
and dive into the neutrality series.

397
00:13:07,239 --> 00:13:08,619
Our goal is neutrality.

398
00:13:09,479 --> 00:13:12,369
Yet our personality is a part of us

399
00:13:12,719 --> 00:13:14,169
and to be congruent,

400
00:13:14,719 --> 00:13:15,890
we have to

401
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:18,349
make sure that our personality is

402
00:13:19,119 --> 00:13:20,080
involved in this.

403
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:21,390
If a child

404
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:23,479
is telling us something.

405
00:13:24,369 --> 00:13:28,150
And your natural way of interacting if you were with friends

406
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:29,989
and someone told you a story.

407
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:32,760
And your response would be

408
00:13:32,969 --> 00:13:33,520
big.

409
00:13:33,950 --> 00:13:35,090
Oh my gosh.

410
00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:39,359
You are going to mirror that

411
00:13:39,809 --> 00:13:42,179
in a more neutral way in the playroom.

412
00:13:42,710 --> 00:13:46,919
If you are one that someone would tell you a story they're really excited about,

413
00:13:47,130 --> 00:13:48,000
and you would go,

414
00:13:48,289 --> 00:13:49,799
oh my gosh.

415
00:13:50,869 --> 00:13:54,039
You're going to mirror that in the playroom and be neutral.

416
00:13:54,570 --> 00:13:56,250
Who you are matters.

417
00:13:57,179 --> 00:13:58,500
Your presence

418
00:13:58,859 --> 00:14:00,849
and who you are as a person.

419
00:14:01,890 --> 00:14:04,679
is a crucial piece in CCPT.

420
00:14:05,729 --> 00:14:07,250
So while we want to be neutral,

421
00:14:07,330 --> 00:14:09,080
and while we want to paraphrase,

422
00:14:09,169 --> 00:14:11,039
and while we want to keep it brief,

423
00:14:11,690 --> 00:14:13,200
personality matters here,

424
00:14:13,570 --> 00:14:15,849
because if you just say very flatly.

425
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,280
You went to Busch Gardens this weekend.

426
00:14:20,049 --> 00:14:22,890
That there's there's something missing in that.

427
00:14:23,710 --> 00:14:25,849
Is your personality super

428
00:14:26,340 --> 00:14:28,250
sweet and soft spoken?

429
00:14:28,859 --> 00:14:32,969
I've had coaching participants that I watch their videos and I can barely hear them

430
00:14:33,299 --> 00:14:34,179
on the videos

431
00:14:34,669 --> 00:14:37,369
because they always have this tone to their voice,

432
00:14:37,530 --> 00:14:40,169
and it is truly congruent to who they are.

433
00:14:40,419 --> 00:14:43,250
This is just the way that they talk and it's gentle,

434
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:46,049
and it's kind and it's slow and it's soft.

435
00:14:46,890 --> 00:14:48,150
That's not my personality.

436
00:14:49,099 --> 00:14:50,770
I couldn't pull that off in a playroom.

437
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,000
Kids would look at me like,

438
00:14:52,090 --> 00:14:54,039
who are you and what have you done with Miss Brenna?

439
00:14:54,409 --> 00:14:55,119
No way.

440
00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:57,159
And likewise,

441
00:14:57,409 --> 00:14:59,820
the people that I'm talking about where I've watched videos,

442
00:14:59,830 --> 00:15:02,559
and that's their natural way that they interact with kids,

443
00:15:02,770 --> 00:15:04,760
they couldn't act like me in the playroom.

444
00:15:05,250 --> 00:15:08,369
I'm loud and I'm demonstrative and I'm emotional and

445
00:15:08,369 --> 00:15:10,239
I gesture and I do all these things.

446
00:15:10,719 --> 00:15:11,599
They would be like,

447
00:15:11,729 --> 00:15:12,250
oh my gosh,

448
00:15:12,369 --> 00:15:12,840
I know,

449
00:15:12,890 --> 00:15:14,090
I don't even know who that is.

450
00:15:14,169 --> 00:15:15,020
It's not me.

451
00:15:15,799 --> 00:15:16,820
So therefore,

452
00:15:16,859 --> 00:15:18,250
your personality

453
00:15:18,539 --> 00:15:19,729
is a factor here.

454
00:15:20,059 --> 00:15:21,900
When you talk to kids

455
00:15:22,059 --> 00:15:23,729
and reflect their content,

456
00:15:24,179 --> 00:15:25,330
be who you are.

457
00:15:26,469 --> 00:15:27,820
Make sure it's neutral,

458
00:15:28,429 --> 00:15:29,539
but be who you are.

459
00:15:29,630 --> 00:15:30,780
That's very important.

460
00:15:31,510 --> 00:15:31,710
All right,

461
00:15:31,750 --> 00:15:32,260
y'all,

462
00:15:32,510 --> 00:15:33,010
I love you,

463
00:15:33,030 --> 00:15:33,580
you know that,

464
00:15:33,710 --> 00:15:34,820
but worth saying again,

465
00:15:34,950 --> 00:15:35,690
if you want to reach out,

466
00:15:35,789 --> 00:15:37,859
please do, brenna@thekidcounselor.com.

467
00:15:37,869 --> 00:15:41,770
You can also leave a voicemail and I can answer a question via the voicemail,

468
00:15:41,789 --> 00:15:44,700
813-812-5525 in the states.

469
00:15:45,229 --> 00:15:46,150
We will talk again soon.

470
00:15:46,270 --> 00:15:46,830
Have a great week.

471
00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:47,229
Bye.

472
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:51,119
Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr.

473
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:52,200
Brenna Hicks.

474
00:15:52,359 --> 00:15:54,320
For more episodes and resources,

475
00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:59,200
please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.