376. 7 tips for moving to a new country in your 20s

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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here. Back for another episode. Today we are talking about a ride of passage for so many of us, but also one of the scariest things you can do in your twenties, moving to a new city, whether it's after you graduate college, or for college, or just for fun, for work, for a relationship. Leaving what we know and the place we call home can be. Honestly, it's romantic, it's exciting. It's also conflicting. Right there is the allure of a fresh start, and then there is also a deep fear fear around like I am I even gonna like this? Am I gonna make friends? Am I going to be able to afford it? Am I going to find the places and the routines and the community that I love. I have moved around a lot in my life, but especially in my twenties. I'm on my third city of my twenties so far, and you guys know, I've just moved internationally for the first time. I now call London home, and I think all the experiences that I've had before have actually given me a bit of a routine and a formula that I am currently following to adjust to this new city and to make this place feel like home. And so I want to share that with you all. I will say it isn't without its challenges. I don't want to romanticize it too much because part of the reality, and I guess the price you pay for a new beginning is that it's gonna be hard, and you are going to be sad, and there will be lonely times. I won't lie London has London's kind of knocked me on my butt. I've been pretty lonely. I haven't really found my groove yet. I missed my dog. I miss my dog. It feels like I'm literally grieving somebody. But having a plan is sometimes all you kind of need to break out of that funk and just let you enjoy the process a little bit more, because that's what it is. It's a process. It's gonna get better. We'll also, of course touch on the psychology and the science to why these tips feel adjusting to a new city work and what the research tells us to do. But without further ado, let's get into my five best tips for moving to a new city in your twenties. Moving to a new city is again always going to be difficult for literally everyone. It does not discriminate for a few obvious reasons, for a few non obvious ones as well that I want to go through and I want to touch on number one. The reason it's going to be hard is because it's complete upheaval to your routine, your sense of stability, and what is comfortable for you. We are psychologically grounded by what we know and by having a stable environment, and having that stable environment directly links to emotional stability even physical health at times as well. When you first move to a new city, it could literally be the city over, it could be an hour away, but there is always going to be a lack of familiarity that feels stressful and uncomfortable at times, at least for a few months. You're constantly encountering you stimuli and new things and new streets and new systems and smells, and your brain has to be more active in dissecting and processing these things compared to the status quo of your previous home city. This whole process taxes your cognitive resources more than usual, and you may not immediately notice how much the strains and overwhelmed you, but it will. It's inevitable, and it's going to lead to exhaustion and a lot of emotion. That's what makes this adjustment period pretty difficult. Often how this manifests is obviously through homesickness. Homesickness is like heartbreak in a lot of ways. It's like a longing for what we used to know and what felt easy and safe, even if it wasn't what was best for us. Yes, where we used to live isn't a person, I know that, but it's you have an attachment to it, like it is a relationship. You have memories, you have feelings, you have traditions with your old city, and moving away from it is an unacknowledged grief that things are never going to be the same, like it's never going to be what it was, and that that's grief, that's sadness. The second reason moving to a new city is bound to be difficult is that you typically have fewer social connections. I know, call me miss obvious, but it impacts you on a level beyond what you think it does. Some of you may be really lucky, maybe the lucky ones, and you've moved to be closer to your friends. I'm deeply jealous of you. But that's also not that's not the norm. Typically we are starting from scratch, and that is so isolating, even when you know you call your friends every day, even when they come and visit. Sometimes you just want a friend you can go out for a beer with once a week. Sometimes you just want physical connections, somebody you can sit across from at a table and just vent to and they're just there for you and there and you could reach out and touch them. I remember when I first moved to Sydney. I knew so few people, and I was trying so hard, desperately hard to meet people. I was doing all the things. I was rock climbing, I was life drawing, etc. Etc. None of it was working. And I just called my dad and I was like, all I want is a friend, one single friend. That's all I want. That would make this easier. It goes without saying not having that support system it lowers our coping in so many ways somewhat similar to this, and the third reason it's so difficult, the one I hear so few people actually talk about, is moving for a period of time is going to mean that you don't know who you are. It's just natural. It will always force an identity reset, whether you want it to or not. When you move to a new city, you don't just lose places and people like you lose mirrors, the people who knew you're history and your patterns and your inside jokes and the roles or the archetypes you played. In your old city. You didn't have to explain who you were like your identity was socially reinforced constantly. In a new place, no one knows your backstory. You're suddenly untethered from the version of yourself that was consistently reflected back to you. Psychologically, this is destabilizing because our sense of self is not just formed in isolation. It's relational. It's formed in our relationships to other people. Research on self concept clarity shows that when external feedback and social continuity disappear, we experience more anxiety, more doubt, and more emotional volatility. You're starting from scratch in like in more ways than one. So how long is that going to last? That is what a lot of us probably want to know, like skip to the good part. When is it gonna get better for me? I spoke about this in my I Moved to London episode, But I believe it takes six months to adjust to a new city. Six months before you know if it was the right decision or if it was the wrong one. No major feelings you have before six months can be trusted. You can't decide like I'm going to apply for citizenship and I'm going to move here permanently. But you equally cannot decide this was the worst call I've ever made and I need to go home now. Even if you feel either of those things really strongly and really deeply, your emotions before the six month mark cannot be trusted. The consensus is in some psychological communities, you know it takes ninety days to form a habit. It's a bit oversimplified when you look at that research, but let's say ninety days, let's say three months, three months to get used to a routine, to get used to a habit, the habit of a new city, the new systems, the new customs, and then I think it takes another three months to really decide if you like that routine. You've gotten used to it, do you enjoy it? At six months you will be so surprised. You will wake up one day and things might not be perfect, but you will notice a shift. You've made some friends, you can navigate transport easier, you have a bit of a weekend routine, markets, shops, walk trivia that starts to feel normal. At this point, your allostatic load as well is also going to lower. Like we spoke about before, moving to a new city is a major life event. It's going to temporarily increase cortisol. It's also going to be triggering your sympathetic nervous system. You're going to be very, very stressed when you get into the routines. Predictability naturally lowers some of those responses. With that in mind, let's get into some of the tips that can help you make that transition a little bit smoother before the sixth month mark and after the sixth month mark as well. Starting with my most important tip of or do not go home for the first three months if you can avoid it. The worst thing I did when I moved to Sydney was that I kept going back to Canberra. And the worst thing I did when I moved to Canberra was that I kept going back to Melbourne like every weekend. And I get it, like I have sympathy for that version of me. I was so lonely. I miss my friends, I miss what I knew, But it meant that in hindsight, it took me longer to adjust because I wasn't investing and I didn't have the free time on the weekends that I needed to make a real investment in my new city. Consider it like how I consider it now is like going no contact with an X. You can't, you know, expect to adjust to being single or being in a new city if you are constantly reminded of what you had before and all the good feelings towards that place, like all those good feelings keep getting activated the more you return, meaning that the positive association doesn't reduce. To reference. The psychology here, adjustment to something new relies on habituation and also extinction learning. If you want to adjust to not having something, or to a new habit or a new routine, you have this learned response to your old city right one of positive feelings, one of joy, friendship, relief when returning. That means your new city at this time is never going to be able to compete with that. The more you continue to reinforce that feeling. The only way you can extinguish that association and make room for this new city to feel as comfortable as your old one is to stop that feeling of like this place I used to live is the only place I'm going to feel good in. By constantly going back, you are not giving yourself the best chance here if you just keep returning every weekend. This is like classic negative reinforcement as well. The discomfort you are experiencing in the new city is being reduced by going home to the old city, which basically strengthens the urge to escape again next weekend, which means you form a habit of avoidance towards your new city, meaning you and the new city never get to form your own relationship, the same way that when you break up with the next like you and your self and you're feeling okay, being single never gets to happen if you keep going back to them. I know it feels strange to hear me talking about cities is if they were people, and is if they are relationships. But I think when we frame it in this way, like it makes a little bit more sandsome and we understand the we understand the emotional implications better. If you want to feel like your new city is the new normal and as good for you, go no contact with your old city. Tip Number two for the first three months at least. Never spend a Friday night at home. This is probably my most controversial one. I know some people that's the day they really recharge, and especially for my introverted listeners, like I'm sorry, I know you're gonna hate me for saying this, but part of what makes a new place feel like home is, of course the relationships you build there and the fun memories you make on your weekends or on your nights off. When we are experiencing a lot of stress and a lot of overwhelm and a lot of anxiety from all this newness, it's very easy to withdraw and to want to recharge by yourself, and you want to watch to the office for the fifteenth time, and you want to cook your comfort meal, and you want to cuddle up in bed at that moment, you have to ignore that instinct and you have to do the hard thing. You gotta go out and meet new people. You have to go and make some plans. You got to go to a social media but board game night, get into some kind of pottery pilates painting class. You gotta go drinking with your colleagues. You can rest on Thursday night, you can rest on Saturday night, but Friday nights, as a practice, at least for the first three six months, are going to be your social nights. And unless you are sick or unless you are dying, you are going to be somewhere that is not home. I think having that one day where you make this a priority is super important because it gets us into the practice of being social and meeting new people when the path of least resistance, especially in the early days, would be to do nothing and to spend that time alone. A bonus tip for you as well that I think falls under this is don't be afraid to get desperate and to do things you otherwise wouldn't for friendship. Don't be a friend aid to come on too strong, and to message the same person a few times in a road to ask what their plans are or to reach out to people that you don't really know that well slash at all, to do something or to go to I don't know, an event or a meetup that you would normally maybe avoid friendship meetups, concerts alone, dinner by yourself, like drinks with mutual mutual mutual friends, like feels awkward, chances are if somebody else is there, they're feeling the same way. They are in a similar position to be in that situation. For example, somebody who is doing this very well is my boyfriend right now. Like he has take I told him his tip and he has taken it to like a new level. He's like Thursday, Friday, Saturday, goodbye, you will not be seeing me. Like last night he went to a sketch night for three hours with a bunch of strangers. I've never seen him draw in his life. I didn't see the picture. I don't I don't know what he drew. He didn't bring it home for me, so maybe he didn't go. He definitely did. Like another night as well, he went to a board game night. I think's like on Saturday, and like this is the same guy who to give you some context, like when we were in Sydney. Typical night for him is he would work really like, get home at seven, go to the gym, play video games with his buddies. Probably like Monday to Friday and Sunday he would do that, and then maybe like Friday and Saturday, we'd go and do something social. So this is not his norm, but you've got to make the most And what I respect about what he's doing right now is like he's making the most of the momentum and the motivation that the first few months and the desperation of the first few months is going to give you. Also another bonus tip, sorry, bonus tip like two point three, lower your social expectations at first. You're not aiming for the perfect friendship group. You are aiming for at least the beginning one friend in the next three months. One friend, just one person that you click with, that you like, that you could see yourself getting to know. Then move from there. Don't immediately feel like if you don't have the big group of friends, you know you're never going to have that. When I moved to Sydney, it took me three years in Sydney to get anything close to a friendship group that felt cohesive and whole. It did come, it just took me a little while longer. The way I got there as well, was I just focused on that one friend, that two friend, those individual relationships first, and then I moved from there. Okay, we're going to take a short break here, but when we return, I have three more tips for you, plus a bonus one. I actually think most people overlook when they first moved to a new city, So stay with us. We're up to tip number three. Tip number three, make a bucket list for your new city and start ticking one thing off that bucket list per week, even and especially if it means that you have to go alone. This time is going to be tough. We've already talked about that, we've already covered that. We're done with that. But it will be easier if you romanticize it a little bit more and you kind of treat it like you're just a long term tourist, at least at first. Yesterday I ticked off an item from my bucket list. I went to the British Library and I wrote my scripts there and it was great. I got out of my house. I saw some original like Sylvia Plath letters, someone did try to steal my seat whilst I was in the bathroom. But you know, I saw new things, I had fun, it was snowing. Why I have found this helpful is because, firstly, yes, it keeps you focusing on all the amazing parts of this new city that you are yet to see, even on the days it's hard. Keeps you focused on the privilege of this experience. It also has kept me occupied during times when I do feel lonely. You know, yes, it's not ideal doing things alone when you feel lonely. You might think it makes it worse. But going where the people are and going where there is newness and novelty and things that you're actually excited to see and you would be excited to see if you are only here for a week, makes it so much better and just reminds me like there is so much to explore here, and there is so much to like get out and see, even if I'm doing it alone to begin with. It also creates what we call place attachment. Places don't feel meaningful because of time alone or even because of relationships alone. They feel meaningful because of memory, the memories that we create through effort, And this is one way of doing it. Having that adventurer mindset, I think also additionally helps you find cool stuff and cool places that feel like your own and also make you feel like a local, feel like you know the local secrets because you're wondering, you're walking, you are doing stuff, you are appreciating again the privilege of this experience, and honestly, I think there is also a big dopamine element here. Having this bucket list gives your brain something to look forward to, and that sense of forward motion is protective during transitions. It combats the emotional flatness that often comes with loneliness and adjustment because you're generating regular experiences and moments for yourself of reward and accomplishment and dopamine and novelty. Make your bucket list. I will say, I still have things on my Sydney and my camera bucket list that I didn't do, and I regret that. So I'm fully committed to my London one and to pursuing that like novelty and all the fun things that this city has for me, We're actually gonna do a full one eighty here for tip number four. Bucket lists. Novelty important amazing. So are your routines. You need to establish a routine that you are consistent and loyal to. You guys know me, I am, honestly, I'm such a routine hater. I love just like waking up and being like, what's on the agenda for the day, and like making it up as I go along. That's how my brain operates. I don't love the structure. But when I moved to a new city, I get invested. I get serious about my routine because I know this is the key, the psychological key, the routine key that unlocks so many other doors for me in this new environment. Pick, for example, one or to community spaces and go as much as possible. Repetition is your best friend here. Going to the same coffee shop, the same local grocery store, the same gym classes, pottery classes, morning walk every day. Doing those things is how you are going to build community, your community simply through convenience and exposure. And I know it works. I know this works because I've done it before. When you stay loyal to your routine and your local favorites and your environment favorites, I get location favorites. I should say, you find other people who will do the same and who are already operating on a similar cycle as you, and through simple exposure you gain closeness. These people may not necessarily become your best friends, but they will become your community. And the value of these low effort daily conversations with familiar people, the girl in your boxing class that the man selling the big issue is crucial. These are crucial even if they're not the most important, because it makes us feel less invisible, especially in big cities where you sometimes feel like, you know, would anybody even notice if I'm missing? This is a nice way to not feel so terrifying terrifyingly small. On top of that, one further psychological bonus is that this mere exposure effect also does actually help us love the city more, not just the people we encounter the city in general. One of the most robust findings in social psychology is that we like people and places more simply because we encounter them repeatedly. Frequency for adjustment matters. That's why your old town, your old home, your old city felt special. You just spend a lot of time there and you build up your routine and people without perhaps even realizing it. So investing in that now in your new city is going to pay just mass dividends in the future. Think we're now up to like think we're up to tip number five. So we're gonna move into some more like very specific practical territory. This is something I'm really glad I have done in the past, and I continue to do. A super practical tip to kind of break things up. Do not sign a lease if you have just moved to a new city. Do not sign a la straight away, And do not sign a lease before you move and you see the place. Get an airbnb. This is this tip is so important to me. Get an airbnb or sublet, stay with friends. Stay with friends and friends for at least the first couple to few weeks if you can. Here is my justification for this, especially in big cities, where you live really matters, and not just whether the neighborhood is, say, or you like the apartment or people friendly, but whether it's close enough to work, how long your commute's going to be, whether it contains people your similar age, whether it's got the amenities you like, the vibes you like, the green spaces you like. There is this panicked instinct we have, and I've certainly had it before to kind of lock down a place like straight away because we don't obviously we want to roof over our head. But I really recommend exploring a few neighborhoods and streets and places before you pay all that money for potentially a location you don't like or that it's going to give you a two hour commute or doesn't suit your needs. I've actually had this happen with a few friends just recently. They moved overseas in the past few months. My friends Matt and his wife Sofia, they moved to Canada and they took over someone's lease before they got there because they were so stressed about finding a place, and like they are almost an hour and a half from where they work and from where all their friends live, and from like live music venues and the cinemas and the bars that they like, and they're stuck in that twelve month contract now. And I don't blame them, like I think they really wanted the security of it. But it's worth the extra money and the reduction in security to really explore before you commit when you first move, because rent is freaking expensive and leases are hard to break. Having that two week three week buffer, I think of it as insurance. It's insurance for the choice you make on the location you live. We did two weeks at an Airbnb in Camden when we first moved to London, and like, H shout out to our airbnb hosts. I don't think they're listening, but because I don't think they're not my target demographic. But they were so kind. They were like these guys in their like forties or fifties, and they were so welcoming, and they gave us so many recommendations, and they like we really locked in on seeing as many neighborhoods as possible. Because we did that, I was so convinced, actually, to give my own story on this, I was so convinced when we moved to London. Stupidly, I was like, I want to move to notting Hill. I know, probably because I saw the movie, but also because I have friends who lived there, and I was like, notting Hill is trendy. I want to live in notting Hill. And then we went and saw a few places there and I was like, I do not want to live here. This is actually not that great. It's a bit far from everything else, and it's a bit po posh, not posh off for notting Hill, and that was a great decision and I would have chosen notting Hill if we didn't have that buffer, and I would have never felt comfortable leaving my house an exercise gear or without a full face and makeup. So I'm so glad we did that. Before we wrap up, I have two small bonus tips for you guys, for before I go yes, no me, I've got to do my extra credit work for you guys. I've got to give you something a little bit extra. Bonus tip number one. Actually, I think by this stage, just like bonus diip memberfore, I forgot about the once before. But bonus tip number one. When you move to a new city, I actually think it's really important to invest in making your home or your room nice and cozy, even if it costs that little bit extra. And I'm going to explain why moving countries. Yeah, it's it's expensive. Visas alone are like a tenth of people's like yearly incomes. But if there is one thing you're going to spend money on when you get there, making the place you live feel comfortable and feel homely, is it as we've been like buying furniture and decorating and doing all that stuff at our new place. I keep definitely feeling this sense of like, why am I spending money on this? Why did I buy a rug? Like why did I buy a lamp? Why did I buy a nice couch? Like that's silly and we're just gonna sell it. We're not gonna be here for that long. And the answer is, like it does feel like it helps. It feels like if I'm gonna live here and really give it something, if I don't feel comfortable, I'm gonna be gone in six months because I'm gonna hate it. I need to feel like my space is safe and comfortable and has my personality involved in it so that I have somewhere to retreat to when things get hard. Otherwise I'm gonna burn out pretty quick and I'm gonna feel pretty, you know, disheartened. If you really want to give your city or crack, you can do all the things, but you've got to be invested as well, and you have to make it mentally easier on yourself by making it comfortable. The three things I would actually say to spend money on if you are going to spend money when you move to a new city. Nice bed sheets, and nice towels, a nice lamp or a nice light source, and then like a nice picture frame or some nice pictures or some nice art. It does make a big difference. Our final tip of this episode probably are most important. Don't try so hard to recreate your old life in a new place. No matter how hard you try, it's just never going to be the same, and it's just going to make you more miserable. If there was ever a time to try new things, to reinvent yourself, to force yourself to build different habits, routines, enjoy different things, this is your time. Like right now, you have a blank slate to be an entirely new person if you want to be so, if you want to do so. So many people never get that opportunity, and they remain the same versions of themselves for their whole lives because they feel caged in by geography and the people they know and their hometown or their home city. This is going to be hard, it's also going to be a freaking great adventure. And I want you to lean in as much as possible to the fresh start and the new beginnings and how you're going to make this different the person you want to be and I think it will. I think all that that whole mentality of like cool, this is gonna be tough, but I'm gonna make the most of it, and I'm gonna reinvent myself whatever it is like it makes you feel a little bit more positive and unoptimistic about the future when the hard stuff does come up. Thank you so much for listening. I'm so excited for you. If you've just moved, or if you are in the process of thinking about moving, even if you're six months down the line, like it's gonna get great, It's gonna be amazing, it's gonna get better. If you have made it to the end of this episode, welcome. Thank you so much for listening so far. I appreciate that you stayed to the end. Leave a comment down below. If you've just moved to a new city, where are you living? If you are about to move to a new city, where are you going? If you have a dream city that you want to move to, where is it? And if you've just moved to Sydney, by any chance, here is something for your bucket list. If the weather is nice this weekend, go to Red Leaf Bay and then get a tasty pastry from Breaking Blue. That is a freebie tip for my people who've maybe just moved to Sydney. That's something I would have on my buckle list, So enjoy. Good luck. Make sure you're following us on Instagram. Make sure you are subscribed slash following wherever you're listening right now, and that's Apple Spotify, the iHeartRadio app, so that you know when we release new episodes and you can stay in touch. Good luck on your new adventure. I sent some amazing friends and some amazing memories in your near future. I just have a good feeling about it. I can sense it for you. Until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. Thank you for listening, and we will talk very very soon.