162 | The "I Wonder" Blunder: Avoid Directive Questioning and Master "I Wonder" Statements and Whispers in Child-Centered Play Therapy

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.

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Your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode. I want to dive in to

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the use of I wonder

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statements and whisper technique

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and the reason why I'm diving into this, I know I've covered it before,

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but in the video session,

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reviews that I'm doing and in the collective and in the coaching programs

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even a little bit at my center with my own staff,

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I'm noticing that

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we are misusing

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or over using

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I wonder statements.

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And then I want to provide a little bit of clarification on

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the use of the whisper technique because they kind of go together.

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So I figure I'll just give you a twofer.

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So I want to make this really clear how we use this,

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why we use this when it's appropriate to

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use it because I've noticed that we're not necessarily

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implementing this skill in the playroom in the original intended way.

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So

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before I dive in though a couple of updates

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next week is the first of June.

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And so I'm going to start a summer series.

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I sent out an email newsletter blast to all of my subscribers.

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I consider you all my

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most invested listeners, my most engaged listeners.

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So I sent out an email with a little, please reply with your feedback question.

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And I posed the idea of going through some seminal works

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in child-centered play therapy, specifically the Art of the Relationship

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and some other foundational texts and reading sections of them that

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are not well known, not well discussed, not well talked about

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and, or things that I think are really important for us to spend some time on

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and then giving a little bit of commentary and oh my word, y'all,

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the response was overwhelming.

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I did not have one person that said they

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didn't think that was something that they would want.

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And I got so many responses. Oh my gosh, I lost count. So

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summer series is going to be covering art of the relationship

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sections of the book and

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just deep discussion, dialogue,

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commentary about some of the foundational principles

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and some of the things that aren't necessarily

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taught in courses and in CEUs and in trainings and things like that.

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So

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that will start in June. But this is our last regular curriculum. So that was update.

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Number one, update.

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Number two is that if you have been

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considering maybe doing the play therapy professional program

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you only have a couple of weeks left and I only have a couple of spots left.

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So if you are interested,

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please go to playtherapypro.com and you can schedule a discovery call with me.

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All right. So

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let's talk through, I wonder statement.

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All right,

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my disclaimer because we just watched a video in the

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Collective last week of me working with an older child,

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very conversational, very verbal

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preteen girl.

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I've been seeing her for years, literally seven off and on.

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And she is extremely emotionally mature.

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She's extremely discussion oriented in the playroom.

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And we talked about after watching that video that I used,

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I wonder statements far more often than I do with younger kids.

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And some of the people on the call noticed that.

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So I want to make it very clear if you

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have older kids that are engaging in conversation with you.

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So the predominant

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back and forth in the session is verbal, not playful.

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You can use I wonder statements more frequently

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and you can use them for information gathering.

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So in this case,

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this girl was telling me a story about what happened over the weekend with her mom.

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But the way that kids process things

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because they are emotional and because they're not necessarily wired to be verbal,

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even though she's capable of it,

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she was kind of all over the place.

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So she was saying something and then hopping to a different point of

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the conversation and then hopping to a different point of the conversation.

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And it was really hard for me to figure out exactly what happened in the discussion.

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So

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as I was responding with the reflective responses and as I

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was adhering to the four pillars and things like that,

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I would say.

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So I wonder when you reached out to her, if that was in person or if it was not in person

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because I was trying to figure out exactly what was going

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on and why she needed to tell me all of these things

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and with a conversation

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that warrants those types of, I wonder statements. All right.

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So that's the disclaimer. Now

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with kids under 12,

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most of us are using this way too much and misusing it.

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So, here's what I'm noticing,

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a lot of

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child-centered play therapists will use, I wonder statements to

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have a child to talk about their feelings.

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So I wonder how that made you feel.

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I wonder what you feel about that. I wonder what you think.

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I wonder

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what emotion is coming up right now.

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That is not an effective use of an I wonder statement.

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Many will say. I wonder what you're going to do.

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I wonder what you have in mind. I wonder what your plan is.

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I wonder how you're going to play today,

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not the way that that's intended to be used.

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I wonder

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why anything.

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So if we are wondering the why behind anything, I wonder why you stacked that up.

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I wonder why you're hiding in the corner.

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I wonder why your back is to me, I wonder why you're not talking,

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if, why is involved also not helpful with an I wonder statement

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because what that does

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is it becomes information seeking

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and the problem is it becomes directive

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because you are forcing a child to go in a direction

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that you are leading.

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So I want you to talk about your feelings. I want you to tell me what's going on.

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I want you to tell me the why behind your behavior.

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Well, number one, kids aren't verbal.

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Number two, that is directive, not non

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directive, it's not adherent to CCPT at all.

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And

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often what I'm seeing is that

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I wonder statements are being used to fill silence.

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So when a child's not saying anything or not necessarily doing anything

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that we can really identify easily what we should be responding.

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So we're not sure if we should track behavior,

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we're not sure if we should reflect content.

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We're not sure if we should reflect a feeling

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and or none of those really seem appropriate because the child

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is just standing in the middle of the room staring.

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Oh, I wonder what you're going to do today? We use that to fill silence

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and that is not why the I wonder statement exists.

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The I wonder statement exists

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only for clinically necessary information.

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Let me say that again.

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I wonder statements exist only for clinically necessary information.

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So let's say a child says I'm gonna be the cop and you're gonna be the robber

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and you reflect that content, ok? You might even esteem build. There.

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You have a plan, you're the cop. I'm the robber.

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And then they go,

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yeah, go,

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well, now you've been given a directive but it's an incomplete directive

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because you have absolutely no way to know

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what quote

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being.

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I don't, I don't remember if I said I was the cop or the child was the cop.

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So I'm just gonna go with, I'm the cop. Sorry if I reversed those. But

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you know, if the kid says,

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I think I said I'm gonna be the cop and you're gonna be the robber.

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Ok? So I'm gonna be the robber. So I have no way to know

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what I'm supposed to do as the robber according to the child.

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Now, I know what I might do as the robber. I would probably steal something.

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I would probably run. I would probably try to avoid getting caught.

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I would probably do all kinds of things,

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but that is not child-centered and we've not been given any other cues other than go.

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So now I wonder statements are relevant because we need a directive cue

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that is clinically necessary.

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I can't remain child-centered.

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I can't play the role that you're asking me to.

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I can't follow your line of play

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without saying,

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I wonder what the robber does first.

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Right.

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Because if I've been told to be a robber,

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but I'm not really sure what the child has in mind for that role.

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I use, I wonder to gather information.

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So then when the kid says

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go steal the money,

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oh, the robber steals the money. Got it.

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And then I have a cue.

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So any time we are put in a role,

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so you're going to be the robber, you're going to be the mom,

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you're going to be a student in school,

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you're going to be the shopper at the grocery store,

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you're ordering food from a restaurant,

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whatever the scenario is where you are playing a part in the child's story.

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So

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essentially in that scenario,

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you are going to have to be saying things,

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doing things sounding like something acting like something

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that's when you use, I wonder statements.

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So,

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ok, restaurant is open.

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Um, you can place your order now.

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Hm.

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All right. You want me to order food

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and then if they don't give you a prompt

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because that was a reflection of content with a pause. So sometimes kids will know

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I'm supposed to queue things, right? So then they'll go,

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yeah, you should order the grilled cheese and tomato soup. Ok, fine.

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So,

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oh my gosh, that just made me think of the franchise.

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Tom & Chee and now I really want that anyway. Sorry,

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I'm really hungry. So

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in that scenario, then

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you were given the cue, but if they go, ok,

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restaurant is open place your order and you go, hm.

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You want me to order food

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and then they just look at you and like, nod their head like, uh huh.

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So, why aren't you ordering food?

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I wonder statement is necessary. So,

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I wonder what I'm gonna order

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or? I wonder what I should choose

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or? I wonder what's on the menu?

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Ok. Now,

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notice that I'm whispering that which kind of brings me to the whisper technique,

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which I'm gonna segue to in just a second.

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You don't have to. You can just wonder in a normal voice. I wonder what I order.

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But I find

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that kids tend to respond more

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playfully

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to a whisper wonder, but you can

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do them independently. So I just wanted to make sure that was clear too.

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But here's why we have to be careful with using,

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I wonder statements out of context because if it's clinically necessary,

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there's an impact there.

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And that means we don't use it very often

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if we use, I wonder statements all the time for everything.

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Not only does it lose its impact,

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but

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it becomes directive.

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And I wonder statement for clinically necessary information is fully

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honoring the child's play.

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I don't want to do something that you don't have in mind for me

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that is fully non directive.

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But if it's, I wonder why you

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cooking me food, I wonder why you're stacking blocks.

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I wonder what you're going to do

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that is directive because you're guiding

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the answers because you're asking questions

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and then all of a sudden it's your agenda.

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So I hope that you find that helpful. Now let me segue into the whisper technique.

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You use whisper technique

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to mask questions, not ask, mask

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with an M.

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So when we are

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in a role

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in play

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to make it almost conspiratorial or to make it playful,

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we can whisper

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to mask the question.

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So let me give you some examples because I think

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that will better illustrate than just talking about it.

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Are you going to school today?

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Now, let me digress for a moment. Related aside.

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That's a very loaded question and it's extremely

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relevant to what's going on with the child.

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But

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I'll go back to the Whisper technique now.

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So are you going to school today?

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That would be when you whisper,

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do I say yes

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or am I going to school?

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Notice that

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I'm conspiratorially checking in with the child. Hey, we're in this together.

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I'm just following your lead.

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I don't wanna say something that doesn't align with what

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you have in mind and I'm not really sure.

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So let me just whisper. Notice that that wasn't an I wonder that was, do I say yes.

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OK. So that's how we would use whisper. Another example.

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The baby has to go with the babysitter now.

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Oh OK. The baby's gonna go.

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Yep.

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And then

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they kind of give you like a face

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and shake their head.

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So then you're like, oh, ok.

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So it seems like the baby doesn't want to go with the babysitter,

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but they haven't come out and said that.

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So then you could either

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enlarge that a little bit.

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Oh, maybe she doesn't wanna go.

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But if you were going to ask the question,

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does she want to go with the babysitter?

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Because if you're supposed to be playing the role of the kid

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and all of a sudden you have to go with the babysitter,

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you need to know how to respond.

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Are you supposed to be happily going with the babysitter?

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Are you supposed to be scared of going with the babysitter?

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Are you supposed to be wailing and crying?

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Because you hate the idea of going with a babysitter.

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So does she want to go?

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And then if they say no, then you go, oh I don't wanna go

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because now you've been given a cue, right?

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Similarly.

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Ok.

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Now you, you ate all your dinner so you get dessert.

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So now you get to pick what you want for dessert.

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What is she like for dessert?

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Right? Because you can't say oh, I want ice cream.

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If what the child really wants you to say is I want

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triple chocolate Thunder or whatever. I don't know.

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I'm an Outback, former, former Outback girl I worked there forever.

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So that just came to my head.

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All right. And then

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you know any other scenario where you are

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basically trying to comply

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with the dialogue and storyline that the child is creating,

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you will use those whispers to mask the question

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because remember questions put kids in their hearts

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but they live in their nope, I'll, I'll reverse

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questions, put kids in their heads

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but they live in their hearts.

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So therefore, if we just say,

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does she want to go?

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That is a cognitive question.

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But do you feel the difference when you say, does she wanna go?

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Because now the child can remain in their emotion

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because it's still part of the play?

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It's not yanking them up, out of their heart. It's actually letting them stay there.

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And that's the goal of the whisper technique. So I hope that

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seeing how those two kind of first of all work together,

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but also how they serve different functions.

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I hope that that's helpful for you.

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And I hope that if you are misusing or over using I wonder

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statements or if you're not really that sure of when you would whisper,

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I'm hopeful that that will kind of give you some guidelines to

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inform your practice a little bit. So,

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all right, y'all today is Memorial Day.

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So if you are in the States, I hope you had a lovely day.

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And

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I did Murph this morning, which is the, the Memorial Day annual Crossfit workout.

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And boy was it hot? It was like 90 something degrees at eight in the morning.

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Oh, my gosh.

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Anyway. But hope you had a good day.

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Hope you were able to relax and,

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and do something fun with your family or your friends or whatever fills you up.

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You all fill me up each week.

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I'm so grateful for each and every one of you and love you all. Talk again soon. Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr Brenna Hicks.

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For more episodes and resources.

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Please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.