Heavyweight Check In 7

Pushkin. 0:00:18.770 --> 0:00:24.329 Hey everybody, it's Jonathan speaking sitting in my closet. I 0:00:24.490 --> 0:00:28.290 was sitting in this closet last night for a couple 0:00:28.330 --> 0:00:30.530 of hours, trying to figure out what to say, and 0:00:30.570 --> 0:00:33.370 then just scrapping everything because. 0:00:34.450 --> 0:00:35.450 I don't know what to say. 0:00:36.530 --> 0:00:39.330 And usually, you know, the way that we've been doing 0:00:39.370 --> 0:00:43.010 these check ins, Stevie Cleveland and I, we've been trying 0:00:43.010 --> 0:00:45.530 to talk from our own experience because that's all we 0:00:45.569 --> 0:00:51.010 could do. But right now, it just doesn't feel like 0:00:51.530 --> 0:00:55.850 what needs to be heard. I can't speak to the 0:00:56.050 --> 0:00:59.930 experience or the pain that the black community is going 0:00:59.970 --> 0:01:01.330 through right now. 0:01:01.890 --> 0:01:03.810 But what I do feel like I could. 0:01:03.690 --> 0:01:07.890 Say is that the murder of George Floyd is an outrage, 0:01:08.770 --> 0:01:11.170 that the system that props up this kind of behavior, 0:01:11.410 --> 0:01:16.010 these sorts of actions, is sick. And I don't know 0:01:16.410 --> 0:01:19.050 what's going to come next, but I know that what 0:01:19.210 --> 0:01:24.410 came before cannot stand. I live in the Longfellow neighborhood 0:01:24.450 --> 0:01:28.290 of Minneapolis, and I went out walking on the weekend 0:01:28.650 --> 0:01:34.250 and the neighborhood was still smoldering. I feel like everything 0:01:34.250 --> 0:01:39.730 that's happening right now is necessary, and I don't even 0:01:39.770 --> 0:01:43.010 know in what way, but I have faith in that 0:01:46.850 --> 0:01:49.410 before all of this started, before the events of this 0:01:49.530 --> 0:01:54.650 past week, we'd planned an episode about teachers. We were 0:01:55.130 --> 0:01:58.410 thinking a lot about teachers during the quarantine, about students 0:01:58.410 --> 0:02:03.970 missing their teachers, teachers missing their students. And we have 0:02:04.050 --> 0:02:09.209 today two stories from two different women, coincidentally, both looking. 0:02:08.930 --> 0:02:10.369 For their first grade teachers. 0:02:11.130 --> 0:02:12.850 And I don't know what they have to say about 0:02:12.850 --> 0:02:16.089 this moment, if anything, but if you'd like, you could 0:02:16.090 --> 0:02:18.570 listen to them, and I hope they bring you some 0:02:18.610 --> 0:02:23.210 feeling of community, of comfort or just maybe a respite. 0:02:23.370 --> 0:02:25.329 And if you want to read some of the things 0:02:25.330 --> 0:02:28.130 that we've been reading right now, we're going to also 0:02:28.250 --> 0:02:31.290 include some links in our show notes to some thoughtful 0:02:31.290 --> 0:02:35.090 pieces that have spoken to us and might be worth 0:02:35.090 --> 0:02:45.290 reading right now. So here's our show. Hello Stevie, Hey, Hey, 0:02:45.650 --> 0:02:48.450 let me get Khalila on the line. 0:02:49.850 --> 0:02:52.929 Hello Khalila, Hey, Hi. 0:02:54.650 --> 0:02:59.450 This week we have two stories about two women who 0:02:59.530 --> 0:03:03.609 are both searching for their first grade teachers. So the 0:03:04.290 --> 0:03:08.850 first story is from my friend Hamber, who from day 0:03:08.890 --> 0:03:11.530 one was set apart from the other kids that you 0:03:11.570 --> 0:03:12.410 went to school with. 0:03:13.090 --> 0:03:15.410 So I was raised a Jovah's witness. 0:03:15.450 --> 0:03:18.810 I'm the third generation Jeovah's Witness and the religion's kind 0:03:18.810 --> 0:03:22.370 of changed over the years, but there's one common theme, 0:03:22.410 --> 0:03:24.850 and that is that the world is ending any minute, 0:03:25.890 --> 0:03:29.250 and in order to secure your own salvation, you have 0:03:29.290 --> 0:03:32.490 to preach and try to convert others and tell them, hey, 0:03:32.530 --> 0:03:34.570 you better convert to be a Jova's Witness before it's 0:03:34.610 --> 0:03:36.050 too late, because you're going to die. 0:03:36.210 --> 0:03:39.010 And what happens if you convert then you don't die. 0:03:39.330 --> 0:03:42.330 Yeah, And then what happens after armageddon is that paradise 0:03:42.410 --> 0:03:43.130 will come to earth. 0:03:43.850 --> 0:03:47.050 We'll all be walking around in like. 0:03:47.170 --> 0:03:50.730 Sacks, burlapsick like you know, and will be cuddling pandas 0:03:50.770 --> 0:03:54.050 and the tigers won't eat us and everyone's happy. 0:03:59.410 --> 0:04:03.370 But you know, eternal life requires sacrifices. So while her 0:04:03.370 --> 0:04:08.010 classmates were attending birthday parties and watching cartoons and being kids, 0:04:08.650 --> 0:04:09.970 amber preaching door. 0:04:09.770 --> 0:04:12.050 To door and as a kid sometimes you knocked on 0:04:12.090 --> 0:04:13.810 the door of someone you went to school with, and 0:04:13.850 --> 0:04:18.289 that was just the peak mortification. There were times where 0:04:18.330 --> 0:04:20.810 we fake knocked because we knew that the kid lived there. 0:04:20.810 --> 0:04:22.170 I didn't live in a very big area. 0:04:22.450 --> 0:04:23.770 What does it mean to fake knock? 0:04:24.370 --> 0:04:25.809 Some people called it the Bible knock. 0:04:26.049 --> 0:04:28.130 So you hold the Bible up to the door and 0:04:28.210 --> 0:04:32.010 then you knock on the Bible. The thing is, it's 0:04:32.010 --> 0:04:34.570 a very complicated thing because as a Joe was an 0:04:34.650 --> 0:04:37.409 is I really believed in it, and so I knew 0:04:37.409 --> 0:04:38.770 that this is how we had to be. 0:04:38.810 --> 0:04:40.330 You just accept that you were different. 0:04:41.409 --> 0:04:45.449 But in spite of being different, Amber really loved school, 0:04:46.450 --> 0:04:48.650 which brings us to Missus Mosen. 0:04:48.770 --> 0:04:52.849 My first grade teacher. Her name was Missus Mosen. I 0:04:52.929 --> 0:04:54.489 just think she was one of those people that's a 0:04:54.570 --> 0:04:57.330 very good teacher. I was really shy as a kid, 0:04:57.369 --> 0:04:59.450 and I think in a lot of classes I was in, 0:04:59.929 --> 0:05:02.969 teachers overlooked me. And I was not the type of 0:05:03.049 --> 0:05:05.089 kid that would you be really eager and put up 0:05:05.130 --> 0:05:08.330 my hand and such. And she seemed to believe in me. 0:05:09.210 --> 0:05:11.249 That was important. I mean that kind of stayed with me. 0:05:12.729 --> 0:05:13.089 I don't know. 0:05:13.089 --> 0:05:14.730 Maybe she was kind of like a mother figure. I 0:05:14.770 --> 0:05:16.690 don't know, because my relationship with my own mom was 0:05:16.729 --> 0:05:19.570 not very close. Yeah, and she had a son around 0:05:19.570 --> 0:05:22.089 my age, and she always used to say that she 0:05:22.210 --> 0:05:24.570 wanted her son to marry me when we grew up. 0:05:25.609 --> 0:05:29.409 Amber did grow up. She graduated high school and one day. 0:05:29.690 --> 0:05:32.810 Soon after graduating, Amber and her mom were in the 0:05:32.810 --> 0:05:35.969 neighborhood of her old elementary school, so they decided to 0:05:36.210 --> 0:05:38.210 stop by to see missus Mosen. 0:05:38.650 --> 0:05:40.810 She was still in the same classroom and still teaching, 0:05:41.529 --> 0:05:45.210 and she was so thrilled to see me. And then 0:05:45.369 --> 0:05:48.089 she asked me, what college are you going to go 0:05:48.089 --> 0:05:49.650 to now that you've graduated high school? 0:05:50.250 --> 0:05:53.529 And I told her, oh, well, I'm not going to college. 0:05:53.609 --> 0:05:59.210 Actually, you know, Joe's who says, we believe that we 0:05:59.289 --> 0:06:02.210 need to share the good news of what we know. 0:06:02.609 --> 0:06:06.129 So I'm going to be a full time preacher, you know, 0:06:06.130 --> 0:06:08.089 I'm going to be it's like a missionary of sorts. 0:06:09.130 --> 0:06:12.409 And I remember that her face just she looked stunned, and. 0:06:12.770 --> 0:06:15.330 Because she thought she expected more. 0:06:15.330 --> 0:06:19.969 Yeah, yeah, and then sadness, like and it just the 0:06:20.010 --> 0:06:21.689 look crossed her face just for a second. 0:06:21.810 --> 0:06:23.169 Maybe she just said something in her eye. 0:06:23.169 --> 0:06:25.330 I don't know, but I took when I saw that look, 0:06:25.330 --> 0:06:28.770 I was like, oh, it kind of struck me that, 0:06:29.169 --> 0:06:38.969 like she was really really sad. I think that there's 0:06:39.010 --> 0:06:41.969 these moments through my life where I there would be 0:06:41.969 --> 0:06:45.890 a second of lucidity about my religion, and I feel 0:06:45.890 --> 0:06:49.609 like that was one of those moments, there was a 0:06:49.690 --> 0:06:52.890 moment where I glimpsed the other side and the reality 0:06:52.890 --> 0:06:55.890 of who I was and the conflict with you know 0:06:55.929 --> 0:06:59.569 who I had to be met for a second, but 0:06:59.609 --> 0:07:00.650 then I turned away from it. 0:07:01.929 --> 0:07:02.129 You know. 0:07:02.169 --> 0:07:05.409 At the time, I'm like, she just doesn't understand that 0:07:05.489 --> 0:07:09.010 the world is ending. And then yeah, I laughed, and 0:07:09.210 --> 0:07:10.850 I didn't ever see her again. 0:07:11.890 --> 0:07:15.210 So for the next fifteen years, Amber preached. But that 0:07:15.290 --> 0:07:19.129 moment of lucidity in the classroom with Missus Mosen led 0:07:19.130 --> 0:07:22.170 to more moments of lucidity, these little cracks in the 0:07:22.250 --> 0:07:25.650 things Amber had always believed to be true, And then 0:07:25.810 --> 0:07:29.010 it all came to a head in China. She'd move 0:07:29.050 --> 0:07:31.369 there to preach, even learning Mandarin. 0:07:31.850 --> 0:07:34.130 When you're speaking another language, you can hear yourself in 0:07:34.170 --> 0:07:36.929 a different way. Yeah, And even as I started to 0:07:36.929 --> 0:07:40.090 teach the things that I believe to them, I would 0:07:40.090 --> 0:07:43.490 think this is weird, Like it just sounds weird. 0:07:44.450 --> 0:07:45.929 This even sounds a little crazy. 0:07:47.010 --> 0:07:50.090 So although Amber had gone to China to convert people, 0:07:50.570 --> 0:07:54.010 slowly she became the one to change her mind. And 0:07:54.130 --> 0:07:57.490 for a long time she just kept these doubts to herself. 0:07:57.410 --> 0:08:00.809 Because I didn't want to give up eternal life. 0:08:01.210 --> 0:08:03.850 And I really like my friends, especially so for a 0:08:03.890 --> 0:08:06.810 long time I hit it. But I'm not very good 0:08:06.810 --> 0:08:11.290 at hiding things. That's one problem with my personality. So 0:08:12.010 --> 0:08:14.850 it was more uncomfortable for me to try to keep 0:08:14.929 --> 0:08:17.050 going in it when I didn't believe in it anymore. 0:08:17.090 --> 0:08:18.769 And I don't have to pretend that I did, because 0:08:18.810 --> 0:08:20.569 being a jobs one is you cannot be like a 0:08:20.610 --> 0:08:21.370 Sunday Christian. 0:08:21.489 --> 0:08:22.970 It involves your entire life. 0:08:23.810 --> 0:08:28.050 And so eventually Amber admitted that she no longer believed, 0:08:28.290 --> 0:08:31.489 and in a nutshell, what ended up happening was that 0:08:31.570 --> 0:08:34.650 the church elders were called in and Amber was labeled 0:08:34.650 --> 0:08:40.010 an apostate and was stranded in China, without money, without 0:08:40.210 --> 0:08:41.250 friends or family. 0:08:41.890 --> 0:08:44.450 Everyone that I knew just dropped me, like everyone in 0:08:44.490 --> 0:08:46.809 my life. So like my grandmother was someone I was 0:08:46.890 --> 0:08:49.170 very close to, and I wrote her. 0:08:49.090 --> 0:08:55.210 A letter explaining, and she didn't write me back because 0:08:55.210 --> 0:08:56.490 people are terrified. 0:08:56.890 --> 0:08:59.250 People are taught that an apostate like me, someone who 0:08:59.370 --> 0:09:04.090 doubts the faith is mentally diseased, is like a. 0:09:04.050 --> 0:09:05.730 Dog that's returned to its vomit. 0:09:06.090 --> 0:09:10.210 Like they use all this very like awful discs, and 0:09:10.250 --> 0:09:13.010 so people they think that it's about their loyalty to God, 0:09:13.210 --> 0:09:15.490 and so they just drop you. It doesn't matter who 0:09:15.570 --> 0:09:17.850 you are, but if you're your daughter, your son, your mother, 0:09:17.970 --> 0:09:22.410 your father, you just shun Immediately. I moved to New 0:09:22.490 --> 0:09:24.290 York City. I was trying to figure out what to 0:09:24.290 --> 0:09:26.090 do in my life. I didn't have an education past 0:09:26.130 --> 0:09:30.090 high school. I didn't have much job experience. I didn't 0:09:30.170 --> 0:09:32.250 know anyone here, I didn't have any friends, but I 0:09:32.290 --> 0:09:34.530 did start to go to college. It's one of the 0:09:34.530 --> 0:09:35.330 first things I did. 0:09:35.890 --> 0:09:38.290 Amber started going to night school and working towards a 0:09:38.330 --> 0:09:41.130 college degree, and as soon as she was back in. 0:09:41.090 --> 0:09:45.690 School, Missus Molson popped back into my head, and I thought, oh, 0:09:47.010 --> 0:09:49.330 you know, I think she had such high hopes for me. 0:09:50.690 --> 0:09:53.770 I bet she would be happy to know that I 0:09:53.810 --> 0:09:57.050 made it out. Maybe there's some way I could be 0:09:57.170 --> 0:10:00.130 like I saw that look in your eye all those 0:10:00.210 --> 0:10:04.890 years ago, and just tell her that maybe I'm fulfilling 0:10:04.890 --> 0:10:07.170 the potential in some way that you saw in me. 0:10:08.490 --> 0:10:10.930 Now, the question is how do we get in touch 0:10:10.970 --> 0:10:14.370 with Missus Moson. Amber couldn't even remember her first name. 0:10:14.770 --> 0:10:16.490 You know, It's funny, It's like on the tip of 0:10:16.530 --> 0:10:18.490 my tongue. She had a very unusual first name. But 0:10:18.570 --> 0:10:21.370 I can't. I've googled and I have tried, and I can't. 0:10:21.970 --> 0:10:24.250 The sad thing is I could ask my mom, but 0:10:24.250 --> 0:10:25.450 my mom doesn't knock to me. 0:10:25.530 --> 0:10:29.970 My mom would remember, so I'm not sure what to 0:10:29.970 --> 0:10:34.650 do without a full name. I try looking up Mosin 0:10:34.970 --> 0:10:38.810 in the phone book. Amazingly in the area where Amber 0:10:38.850 --> 0:10:43.290 grew up under Mosen there's just uh, there's only one listing. 0:10:43.730 --> 0:10:44.890 Should we try calling it? 0:10:46.210 --> 0:10:47.290 Let's try? We can try. 0:10:47.890 --> 0:10:48.650 Is this exciting? 0:10:49.530 --> 0:11:01.090 I feel nervous. I feel nervous. 0:11:02.010 --> 0:11:05.330 Oh, oh, hello, is this missus Moson? 0:11:06.010 --> 0:11:06.450 It is? 0:11:06.850 --> 0:11:07.010 Oh? 0:11:07.090 --> 0:11:09.370 Hi, I just want to I want to sure I 0:11:09.410 --> 0:11:11.530 have the right missus. Did you teach at Bellmead School? 0:11:12.130 --> 0:11:13.810 Yes, I did, so. 0:11:13.850 --> 0:11:15.170 Amber explains who she is. 0:11:15.810 --> 0:11:17.450 So, I'm one of your former students. 0:11:17.610 --> 0:11:21.650 I'm Amber Scora, and she explains why she's calling. That 0:11:21.770 --> 0:11:25.330 moment she still thinks about all these years later, just this. 0:11:25.290 --> 0:11:29.010 Moment, there was a slight, like a subtle shift in 0:11:29.090 --> 0:11:33.170 your face. And for this very lucid moment, I sensed 0:11:33.250 --> 0:11:36.370 that you were sad, like that you felt that that 0:11:36.570 --> 0:11:37.810 was like I was. 0:11:37.890 --> 0:11:38.930 It was like a shame. 0:11:40.370 --> 0:11:42.770 So long story short, I ended up moving to New 0:11:42.850 --> 0:11:45.050 York because when you leave the jobs, Whnes says, they 0:11:45.090 --> 0:11:47.170 all shun you. So like, no one in my family 0:11:47.170 --> 0:11:48.770 speaks to me anymore because of that. 0:11:49.690 --> 0:11:51.130 Yeah, not even your mom. 0:11:51.290 --> 0:11:52.170 No, she doesn't either. 0:11:52.410 --> 0:11:55.930 Actually, But the point of this whole story is that 0:11:55.970 --> 0:11:58.930 I was I've I thought back to you, and I 0:11:59.050 --> 0:12:02.610 felt like, now I would like to tell you that 0:12:03.090 --> 0:12:05.690 I escaped and that that moment when you looked at 0:12:05.690 --> 0:12:09.809 me that way, it actually it did something in me, 0:12:10.010 --> 0:12:12.250 and it's something that came back to me now that I, 0:12:12.410 --> 0:12:13.690 you know, had. 0:12:13.650 --> 0:12:15.570 Left, sort of stayed with you, did it. 0:12:15.810 --> 0:12:16.170 Yeah? 0:12:16.410 --> 0:12:18.410 And I also just wanted to say, like, as a teacher, 0:12:18.890 --> 0:12:21.570 I think you were probably like the teacher I remember 0:12:21.650 --> 0:12:22.650 most for my whole childhood. 0:12:22.810 --> 0:12:23.770 Oh thank you. 0:12:23.930 --> 0:12:24.850 Yeah, I felt like you. 0:12:24.810 --> 0:12:27.010 Really saw me. And I just wanted to tell you that, Like, 0:12:27.050 --> 0:12:28.010 I'm going to college now. 0:12:28.010 --> 0:12:28.610 I take night. 0:12:28.530 --> 0:12:30.770 School, So what are you what are you studying. 0:12:30.970 --> 0:12:34.530 I'm actually getting a degree in psychology because when I finished, 0:12:34.610 --> 0:12:37.450 I wanted to become like a therapist that helps people 0:12:37.570 --> 0:12:39.450 sort of the same similar situation that I was in 0:12:39.490 --> 0:12:42.210 to escape cults or like mind control and help them 0:12:42.210 --> 0:12:43.250 to deprogram and. 0:12:44.290 --> 0:12:46.650 Can I tell you how proud I am of you. 0:12:47.410 --> 0:12:48.570 Oh that's so nice. 0:12:48.730 --> 0:12:52.210 I mean, you were you were so bright. And when 0:12:52.370 --> 0:12:55.850 when you said that you weren't going to university, I 0:12:55.890 --> 0:13:00.410 mean I just I was shocked. I couldn't understand it, 0:13:00.530 --> 0:13:02.530 you know, I thought, my god, why doesn't that girl 0:13:02.610 --> 0:13:05.770 go to university? But I couldn't say too much with 0:13:05.850 --> 0:13:06.730 your mother being. 0:13:06.850 --> 0:13:08.410 Oh that's funny. Yeah, I could see it in your 0:13:08.410 --> 0:13:09.610 face because. 0:13:09.410 --> 0:13:13.170 You just stood out as far as academics was concerned. 0:13:13.330 --> 0:13:15.130 I surprised the road on my face. 0:13:15.410 --> 0:13:15.850 That's funny. 0:13:15.930 --> 0:13:17.890 Yeah, I don't know, I ticked it out, but it's 0:13:17.890 --> 0:13:19.170 really nice to hear you say that now. 0:13:20.050 --> 0:13:22.810 I mean, I'm just so glad that you're doing it. 0:13:22.890 --> 0:13:23.090 Now. 0:13:23.210 --> 0:13:27.490 Don't ever let anybody deter you from whatever you want 0:13:27.530 --> 0:13:36.490 to become. You become. I'm so glad for you. Really, 0:13:36.770 --> 0:13:38.690 you're making an old woman very happy. 0:13:38.810 --> 0:13:40.170 Oh I'm so glad I reached you. 0:13:40.370 --> 0:13:47.850 Just absolutely amazing. It just made my day. 0:13:53.770 --> 0:13:57.930 Amber has just been accepted into Harvard and she'll be 0:13:57.930 --> 0:14:18.610 beginning virtual classes in the fall. Stevie, Yes, Khalila, Yeah, 0:14:18.650 --> 0:14:21.090 you know this is probably before your day, But in 0:14:21.170 --> 0:14:25.730 nineteen seventy nine, Pink Floyd saying, hey, teacher, leave those 0:14:25.810 --> 0:14:29.010 kids alone. But here it is twenty twenty, and we 0:14:29.130 --> 0:14:32.090 don't want those kids left alone, not at all. 0:14:32.650 --> 0:14:35.490 Sounds like you're like on all things considered, I feel 0:14:35.530 --> 0:14:38.490 like that's like a very like NPR, like hostant tro. 0:14:38.970 --> 0:14:44.730 I'm Jonathan Goldstein. So this next story is about Ava, 0:14:44.970 --> 0:14:48.050 who also can't stop thinking about her first grade teacher, 0:14:49.010 --> 0:14:52.570 a woman named Miss Susie, who taught her thirty years 0:14:52.570 --> 0:14:55.890 ago in a small Connecticut town called Jewett City. 0:14:56.490 --> 0:14:59.650 We lived in a house that didn't have heat or 0:14:59.730 --> 0:15:02.330 hot water. We didn't have a car, we didn't have 0:15:02.370 --> 0:15:03.370 a phone, we didn't. 0:15:03.170 --> 0:15:03.610 Have a TV. 0:15:04.930 --> 0:15:07.330 I went to this Catholic school when I was young, 0:15:08.050 --> 0:15:12.570 and I just we remember this woman named Missussie. She 0:15:12.930 --> 0:15:16.490 was the person that first told me about New York 0:15:16.530 --> 0:15:20.930 City and I live in New York City. Because she 0:15:21.050 --> 0:15:24.610 was very influential to me, I felt like she was radical. 0:15:24.690 --> 0:15:27.090 Maybe she wasn't. Maybe she just felt radical to me 0:15:27.250 --> 0:15:30.450 because she was kind and she felt different than the 0:15:30.490 --> 0:15:34.690 rest of the teachers. She never spoke to us like 0:15:34.770 --> 0:15:37.410 we were children. She just spoke to us like we 0:15:37.410 --> 0:15:42.770 were smaller people, her making us listen to John Lennon's 0:15:42.770 --> 0:15:46.450 Imagine and giving us little candles so that we could 0:15:46.530 --> 0:15:49.610 sway back and forth like we were at our own concert. 0:15:50.050 --> 0:15:52.570 To think about some of the lyrics to imagine, you 0:15:52.610 --> 0:15:54.650 know about how imagine there's no heaven. 0:15:55.250 --> 0:15:56.930 Yeah, imagine there's no religion. 0:15:57.530 --> 0:16:00.090 I mean that does seem kind of like in the 0:16:00.170 --> 0:16:02.410 context of a Catholic school with nuns walking around, that 0:16:02.490 --> 0:16:03.290 is kind of radical. 0:16:09.250 --> 0:16:13.290 During this time period, my mom has been in recovery 0:16:13.330 --> 0:16:17.490 for twenty seven years now, but she didn't quit drinking 0:16:17.570 --> 0:16:20.210 until I was eight years old, so I spent a 0:16:20.250 --> 0:16:24.370 majority of my time caring for my mom. There were times, 0:16:24.450 --> 0:16:28.330 because I was really worried about her, that I would 0:16:28.330 --> 0:16:31.010 actually sneak out of school and I would try to 0:16:31.050 --> 0:16:33.570 go home and make sure she was okay because she 0:16:33.650 --> 0:16:36.650 had she fell down the stairs one time, and she 0:16:36.690 --> 0:16:41.610 would get hurt because she would be drunk. And when 0:16:41.650 --> 0:16:44.970 I got to school, my first grade teacher she would 0:16:45.010 --> 0:16:47.250 make me be able to forget about those things a 0:16:47.290 --> 0:16:50.290 little bit until really I got off the bus to 0:16:50.330 --> 0:16:53.450 get back home. And so I think that's why I 0:16:53.490 --> 0:16:56.210 was really drawn to this teacher, because she made me 0:16:56.210 --> 0:16:58.970 feel safe and she made me feel like things were 0:16:58.970 --> 0:17:02.570 going to be okay. And that's kind of why I'm 0:17:02.570 --> 0:17:05.409 thinking about her right now, because there's this sense of 0:17:06.250 --> 0:17:07.770 safety that we're all looking for. 0:17:08.649 --> 0:17:12.169 So Ava only had Miss Susie that one year for 0:17:12.250 --> 0:17:15.810 first grade, and then Miss Susie left the school. But 0:17:15.889 --> 0:17:19.809 then she actually came back seven years later to attend 0:17:19.889 --> 0:17:22.049 Ava's eighth grade graduation. 0:17:22.090 --> 0:17:25.249 And she was standing off to the right, and we 0:17:25.369 --> 0:17:28.889 hadn't seen her since she left. Wow, And I remember 0:17:29.449 --> 0:17:31.609 I remember looking at her and I saw her and 0:17:31.649 --> 0:17:34.730 she said, she mouthed, I'm so proud of you, and 0:17:34.970 --> 0:17:37.850 for somebody that went through a lot at that time, 0:17:37.889 --> 0:17:43.770 it was really wonderful. I keep a series of photographs 0:17:43.929 --> 0:17:47.889 in my vanity area, and I still have the class 0:17:47.929 --> 0:17:52.530 photograph of everybody. It's next to a picture of my grandmother, 0:17:52.649 --> 0:17:55.890 and it says Miss Susie nineteen ninety like I. 0:17:55.850 --> 0:17:57.850 Look at it every day. Huh. 0:17:58.050 --> 0:18:02.569 I just look elated. I look so happy in that photo. 0:18:04.010 --> 0:18:07.609 I wonder if she still thinks about us, and I 0:18:07.649 --> 0:18:08.769 wonder if she's still teaching. 0:18:09.810 --> 0:18:11.050 I would really like to talk to. 0:18:11.010 --> 0:18:14.050 Her again and thank her for you know, inspiring me 0:18:14.209 --> 0:18:17.649 to letting me tell her that I'm really grateful for 0:18:18.209 --> 0:18:21.850 the strength to go someplace else besides Suett City. 0:18:23.730 --> 0:18:27.410 So the only problem really was finding Miss Susie, this 0:18:27.490 --> 0:18:31.609 woman that Eva hadn't seen in decades. And added to 0:18:31.649 --> 0:18:35.529 that was, you know, the ever constant problem of someone 0:18:35.730 --> 0:18:38.449 in search of their first grade teacher, which was that 0:18:38.889 --> 0:18:42.570 Eva was not one hundred percent sure of Miss Susie's 0:18:42.570 --> 0:18:46.649 first name. And it was at this point, Khalila, that 0:18:46.730 --> 0:18:49.889 I turned to you, yes, to help in this search. 0:18:50.970 --> 0:18:52.290 It was very hard. 0:18:52.889 --> 0:18:56.369 Dozens of Miss Susie's across Connecticut were phoned. 0:18:56.449 --> 0:19:00.449 And then finally called the right person. She still is 0:19:00.490 --> 0:19:02.450 a teacher, she's an upstate New York now. 0:19:03.010 --> 0:19:07.409 So I connected Ava with Miss Susie, and you know, 0:19:07.730 --> 0:19:09.850 at the beginning, it was a little awkward, as these 0:19:09.929 --> 0:19:16.689 things can be, but Miss Susie was just very kind, 0:19:17.129 --> 0:19:18.609 just as she was all those years ago. 0:19:19.490 --> 0:19:22.129 I don't know that you know, but the year that 0:19:22.169 --> 0:19:25.209 I taught you, that was my very very first year teaching. 0:19:25.290 --> 0:19:25.609 Ever. 0:19:26.010 --> 0:19:29.529 I was twenty two, So our first day of school 0:19:29.570 --> 0:19:32.449 together wasn't just your first day of first grade. It 0:19:32.530 --> 0:19:37.009 was my first day of first grade entirely. I was 0:19:37.090 --> 0:19:40.090 just out of college and I was younger than you 0:19:40.169 --> 0:19:40.649 are now. 0:19:41.369 --> 0:19:45.969 I didn't know that. I mean, it seemed you were 0:19:46.050 --> 0:19:47.889 unlike any of the rest of the teachers that I 0:19:47.970 --> 0:19:51.450 remember from that area. But the other part was so 0:19:51.609 --> 0:19:54.050 I don't obviously I don't think that you would know this, 0:19:54.290 --> 0:19:58.810 but my mom got sober when I was eight, So 0:19:59.330 --> 0:20:02.529 when I was six, I was in your class and 0:20:02.570 --> 0:20:03.449 she was still drinking. 0:20:05.490 --> 0:20:08.929 I did know that, I was told that by a 0:20:09.169 --> 0:20:12.850 else in the building, but I don't think that I 0:20:12.889 --> 0:20:14.210 realized how much you knew. 0:20:14.649 --> 0:20:26.649 So after your class, sorry, oh no, that's okay. 0:20:26.810 --> 0:20:30.729 The year that I had with you was really it 0:20:30.810 --> 0:20:33.329 was really wonderful because I was so engaged and I 0:20:33.369 --> 0:20:37.249 wasn't really worried about my mom. I didn't know if 0:20:37.290 --> 0:20:40.770 you knew, like of course, like my mom would show 0:20:40.850 --> 0:20:43.010 up sometimes to pick me up, and I know she 0:20:43.050 --> 0:20:48.490 would be drunk, and she would be drunk driving. From 0:20:48.530 --> 0:20:51.049 that time on, I always like I worried about her. 0:20:51.050 --> 0:20:52.129 I worried about her a lot. 0:20:52.209 --> 0:20:56.129 But I do remember like first grade, that class to 0:20:56.209 --> 0:20:59.490 me was very freeing because I wasn't really worried that much. 0:21:02.570 --> 0:21:06.009 It was important for me to let you know that. 0:21:06.090 --> 0:21:08.449 I thought of that time period as like the last 0:21:08.449 --> 0:21:11.969 time that I like, I didn't worry, I was allowed 0:21:12.010 --> 0:21:12.609 to be a kid. 0:21:15.129 --> 0:21:17.209 I thank you so much for sharing that with me. 0:21:18.250 --> 0:21:20.889 You know, I I say that I knew, but it 0:21:20.929 --> 0:21:22.969 was it was kind of a just in passing. It 0:21:23.010 --> 0:21:26.889 wasn't a I feel all the more blessed to have 0:21:26.929 --> 0:21:30.090 been a part of that and to have made it 0:21:30.250 --> 0:21:32.490 a place, you know, where you didn't have to worry, 0:21:32.490 --> 0:21:34.689 where you got to be a child, because that's what 0:21:34.770 --> 0:21:36.649 you were. You, you know, you were just a sweet 0:21:36.649 --> 0:21:40.609 little girl. The one thing I remember about your mom, 0:21:40.649 --> 0:21:42.209 because I do have a vague picture of her in 0:21:42.290 --> 0:21:45.850 my head, was that she let me know that you 0:21:45.889 --> 0:21:48.570 were a very good reader and that you had taught 0:21:48.609 --> 0:21:51.490 yourself how to read. And it was like her way 0:21:51.570 --> 0:21:54.570 of letting me know to make sure that I challenged you, 0:21:54.689 --> 0:21:56.730 or to you know, maybe she was afraid you would 0:21:56.770 --> 0:21:59.009 be shy or quiet and not you know, not have 0:21:59.129 --> 0:22:01.769 your true colors come out. But that is really the 0:22:01.810 --> 0:22:04.969 one thing I remember her saying to me, and I 0:22:05.850 --> 0:22:06.529 held on to that. 0:22:08.010 --> 0:22:10.369 I still actually have a pair of earrings that you made. 0:22:10.490 --> 0:22:13.009 At one point you were like making jewelry, and you 0:22:13.050 --> 0:22:17.410 were we would do those like church basement your sale things, 0:22:17.689 --> 0:22:20.290 and they don't have hooks on them anymore, but I've 0:22:20.290 --> 0:22:21.090 always kept. 0:22:20.889 --> 0:22:27.090 Them absolutely just I have no words for that, that 0:22:27.369 --> 0:22:33.330 you still have them, that that really, Oh my gosh, 0:22:34.409 --> 0:22:53.530 oh you're you're You're making me speechless. That year was 0:22:53.570 --> 0:22:56.770 so special to me. I the very last day of school, 0:22:58.330 --> 0:23:01.689 we all walked out the one main door, and the 0:23:01.730 --> 0:23:04.969 bus came and picked everybody up, you know, all the 0:23:05.050 --> 0:23:09.130 kids spilled out the windows and are waving goodbye. And 0:23:08.929 --> 0:23:14.689 I ran back into the school and I shut myself 0:23:14.689 --> 0:23:18.729 in a stall and I cried and cried and cried, 0:23:19.490 --> 0:23:22.689 and the third grade teacher at the time came looking 0:23:22.730 --> 0:23:26.570 for me, and she said, what's wrong, what's the matter. 0:23:27.129 --> 0:23:29.929 And I remember saying to her, I said, they left, 0:23:30.689 --> 0:23:34.330 they left, and it will never be this year again. 0:23:34.570 --> 0:23:38.090 I'll never have this again. I just knew that it 0:23:38.090 --> 0:23:44.609 would never be so pure. And I'm just glad that 0:23:44.649 --> 0:23:47.409 we connected, that you were in my class, that I 0:23:47.490 --> 0:23:51.850 did get that job, that there wasn't some other version 0:23:52.010 --> 0:23:54.689 of first grade for you, or some other version of 0:23:54.730 --> 0:23:55.529 a career for me. 0:23:56.050 --> 0:24:02.609 So it's sometimes overwhelming when you think that you're the 0:24:02.609 --> 0:24:07.090 only person that's thought of the other you know, I 0:24:07.169 --> 0:24:09.809 just assumed that I was carrying all this stuff with 0:24:09.850 --> 0:24:14.450 me for this many years without being considered, but being remembered. 0:24:14.490 --> 0:24:16.250 That age also feels really nice. 0:24:16.730 --> 0:24:20.170 It's really satisfying in a way that nothing has kind 0:24:20.209 --> 0:24:23.649 of felt before, to uh, to be able to talk 0:24:23.970 --> 0:24:27.169 with with uh, someone I knew when they were such 0:24:27.330 --> 0:24:31.209 a little girl and and I was such a young woman. 0:24:31.449 --> 0:24:34.169 I mean we were, we were both we were both 0:24:34.290 --> 0:24:36.290 just newbies, we were both fresh in a way. 0:24:41.129 --> 0:24:44.650 Do you remember Julie Lordie and Paul Wisnowski? 0:24:45.689 --> 0:24:48.850 I do, yes, I do absolutely remember those names. 0:24:48.970 --> 0:24:50.490 So do you know they're married now? 0:24:51.369 --> 0:24:51.689 Now? 0:24:51.730 --> 0:24:54.169 I would past them around the schoolyard. She had a 0:24:54.169 --> 0:24:56.169 really good crush on them in the first grade, and 0:24:56.209 --> 0:24:56.810 we all knew it. 0:24:57.649 --> 0:25:32.530 Thought, Hello, John, Hi, Hi, how are you? 0:25:33.850 --> 0:25:37.170 I'm well worried and well, you know, how about yourself? 0:25:38.129 --> 0:25:40.530 Worried and well, I guess yeah, it's a good way 0:25:40.570 --> 0:25:41.010 to put it. 0:25:42.409 --> 0:25:48.050 Yeah, can I can I ask you to uh to 0:25:48.129 --> 0:25:50.530 play some in an empty room? 0:25:50.570 --> 0:25:51.609 Sure? I'd be glad to. 0:25:52.010 --> 0:25:54.209 Yeah. When's the when's the last time you played it? 0:25:55.449 --> 0:25:55.609 Hm? 0:25:55.649 --> 0:25:55.810 Hmm? 0:25:56.810 --> 0:26:00.010 I think uh it would have been on that tour 0:26:00.490 --> 0:26:02.810 in the Midwest where I saw where we saw you, 0:26:03.889 --> 0:26:05.609 so I think it. Yeah, I think it would have 0:26:05.609 --> 0:26:08.250 been in Fargo. Actually it would have been the last 0:26:08.250 --> 0:26:11.330 time I played it. So I'll just put the phone 0:26:11.409 --> 0:26:17.010 down and then, uh, we'll see, uh, see how this works. 0:26:21.250 --> 0:26:26.609 Now that the furnitures returning to its goodwill home. 0:26:29.129 --> 0:26:35.250 With dishes in last week's papers, roumors and elections, crosswords 0:26:35.250 --> 0:26:41.609 on unending war, blacken, our fingers smear their prints on 0:26:41.770 --> 0:26:48.609 every door pulled shut. Now that the last month's rent 0:26:48.850 --> 0:26:53.369 is scheming with the damage deposit, take this moment to 0:26:53.649 --> 0:26:58.529 decide if we meant it, if we try. 0:27:00.689 --> 0:27:05.769 We felt around for far too much, from things that 0:27:05.929 --> 0:27:16.330 accidentally touched, the hands that we nearly hold with pennies 0:27:16.409 --> 0:27:25.330 for the gst, the shoulders we lean our shoulders into 0:27:25.609 --> 0:27:31.409 on the subway, mutter on apology, the shins that we 0:27:31.730 --> 0:27:40.810 kick beneath the table, that reflexive cry, the faces we 0:27:40.929 --> 0:27:46.730 meet one awkward beat too long and terriorfy know the 0:27:46.770 --> 0:27:53.810 things we need to say but said already any way. 0:27:55.490 --> 0:28:03.850 A parallelograms of light walls that we repainted white. 0:28:07.609 --> 0:28:08.850 Sign in an. 0:28:08.730 --> 0:28:18.250 Empty room, sign in an empty room, sign in an 0:28:18.250 --> 0:28:23.729 empty room, sign in an empty room. 0:28:24.090 --> 0:28:31.409 Take eight minutes and divide but ninety million longly miles 0:28:33.250 --> 0:28:36.049 and watch a shadow cross the floor. 0:28:38.250 --> 0:28:40.290 We don't live here anymore.