357 | No Parents Allowed! - The Ripple Effect of a Parent Entering Session

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi,

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I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode,

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I'm answering a question from Dovi.

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And this is about a,

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an older client,

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11 year old client,

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and what happened when dad got involved in the session

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and best ways to navigate that in the future.

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So,

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I appreciate the

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question a lot,

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Dovi.

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I've been getting asked quite frequently lately,

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not only on the podcast,

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but even in the Collective and in the coaching

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about parents.

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Either inserting themselves or somehow being involved

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in the sessions and in the weekly process.

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So let me just,

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I,

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I just want to say this very clearly,

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very succinctly before I even dive into the question.

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CCPT.

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Is therapist and child only.

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There is no reason.

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There is no justification.

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For a parent to be in a session.

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So please be aware that that is a deviation from the model.

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And it is interruptive,

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and it is undermining,

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and we do not want that dynamic created.

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So

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we have to know

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what is adherent.

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We need to know where our boundaries are,

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and we need to make them clear and enforce them.

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So that we can preserve the relationship

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and preserve the environment.

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Now,

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I don't want that to be misconstrued,

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so let me provide some clarity on the other side.

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So everything I said.

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True and important.

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This is also true and important.

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That is not to say we exclude parents from the process.

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We know outcomes are better.

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And studies reveal that the more invested parents are.

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The

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more

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gains we have,

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the more positive results.

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So we want parents' involvement,

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but that happens in the five-week parent consultations

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or

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we provide child-parent relationship therapy

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to parents.

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So there are ways to engage parents.

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There are ways to involve parents.

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But if we are providing child-centered play therapy exclusively,

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Parents do not come into sessions.

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They do not talk to us in front of their kids in the lobby.

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We do not devote part of our session time

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to meet with mom and dad.

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That is not the process.

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So please safeguard

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your relationship with your clients,

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safeguard the environment,

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safeguard the process.

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We do not want parents

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involved in the sessions in the playroom

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with us.

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That is a deviation of the model.

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We have to be real clear on that,

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and we have to help parents respect those boundaries

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because if they trust us,

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they will trust our clinical judgment.

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So this is about establishing relationship with parents from the beginning,

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creating no like and trust factor with them.

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And then we're able to gently and kindly and professionally say,

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the playroom is just for your child and me.

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But obviously we'll meet

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for our 5-week consultation soon and we can process all kinds of things together.

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OK.

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So,

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now that I've

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made that real clear,

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I've been getting a lot of questions about that lately.

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Let's dive into Dovey's question and then we'll process this.

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I wanted to ask what the child-centered play

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therapy response would be to the following situation.

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Client is 11.

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Mom has severe OCD,

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and dad has his own limitations.

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Mom can't stand client and calls him the devil

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for relatively normal disrespect.

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Last session,

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the client demanded dad join session,

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and Dovi,

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this is where you reflect but set limits there.

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And then put his feet up on him,

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engaged in other disorganized behavior,

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including using the desk phone without permission,

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putting feet up on the walls,

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making demands of Dad.

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Dad insisted on sharing information the client was embarrassed of,

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despite multiple attempts to show client did not want him to,

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and he could schedule a collateral session.

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No substantive

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conversation.

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No play

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for me.

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The crux was when the client emptied out two water bottles directly onto the floor.

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He then cleaned some of it up,

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but I was confused and frankly annoyed.

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OK.

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So,

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this

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is multilayered.

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So we'll,

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we'll try to unpack this one at a time.

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But as a general,

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Overarching perspective on this,

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if you will.

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When a client demands something.

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It's rarely what they demand.

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We,

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we have to put this to work in our experience as a CCPT.

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When a client demands something,

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they're not actually asking for or demanding

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what they're requesting.

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There's always a deeper reason.

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There's a why

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that is forcing them to say or do those things,

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but that's almost

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rarely or almost never

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a factor

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in the grand scheme.

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So when client demanded that dad join,

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that was a power grab.

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I don't think client actually wanted dad in there.

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Or maybe at some subconscious level,

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he knows that relationship with dad is a little bit tense or fractured,

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and he does actually want reparation there,

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but the playroom with you is not the space to do that.

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And so I,

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I see that as a power grab,

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and

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he insists that dad comes in.

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So dad comes in,

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but then it disrupts the entire flow.

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So we really need to understand

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that the playroom

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is a special environment.

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The relationship we have with a client is a special relationship.

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And introducing a third party.

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is only going to get in the way

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because a parent is not child-centered,

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a parent does not understand child-centered skills,

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a child

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does not get the allegiance

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just with you any longer.

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Now there's someone else they have a relationship with.

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The dynamic has changed.

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The environment no longer feels steady and consistent.

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It no longer feels as safe.

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The relationship with you no longer feels as solid

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because it's no longer just the two of you.

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There's no ally anymore because now parent is in the room as well,

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and parents,

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even in their

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best attempts.

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are not going to be as permissive and accepting

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and unconditional as we are.

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They have way too much skin in the game.

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So now all of a sudden there's this totally different dynamic that has been created,

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and he got disregulated because of it.

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So he starts putting his feet up on his dad and using phones that he's not

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supposed to use and putting his feet up on the walls and making all these demands.

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Well,

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those are more power grabs.

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Those are more evidences

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of an internal state of dysregulation

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manifesting itself in externalizing behavior.

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He was

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not able to handle dad being in there.

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And I know that he insisted upon it,

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but that's where a limit is required.

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So what would that look like?

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Oh,

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you really wish that dad could come in here,

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but you know that our special playtime is just for you and me.

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You can choose to have Dad.

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Talk to you as soon as our session is over,

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or you can choose to write down a note right now

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and give it to him when the session is over.

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OK,

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we're honoring the fact that he wants to have connection with dad.

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But

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coming into the session is not an option.

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And then Dad insists on sharing information that client was embarrassed of.

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Well,

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there's another fracture.

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So not only is it not

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unconditional,

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it's not accepting,

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it's not

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freeing,

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there's not permission.

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Now

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client does not want

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information to be revealed,

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and Dad's revealing it.

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That fractures relationship with you.

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It fractures relationship with the client.

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And now we're in a place where

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he does not want this to be revealed to you,

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but Dad betrays him and does it anyway.

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Multi-layered frustration.

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And so what's his response going to be?

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I feel powerless,

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so I'm gonna grab control wherever I can take it.

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So what does he do?

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He dumps water on the floor.

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Because

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he has control over that.

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And then he feels guilty,

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so he cleans it up because he knows that he shouldn't have poured water on the floor.

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So he tries to make amends for it by cleaning it up.

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He's trying to self-regulate,

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but all of this was demonstration of power grab.

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And when a child is needing power and control,

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what they demand and what they want power and control

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over is not at the root of what's going on.

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So we have to recognize the demands,

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the requests,

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the insistence.

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We can reflect those and we can validate and acknowledge,

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but we don't give in.

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I jokingly say we outwit,

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outlast,

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outplay,

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but I mean it.

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Because

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a child in a need for power,

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a child demanding control.

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We're going to be as permissive as we can be,

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but there are limits.

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And this would be a moment where we would set a limit

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because a parent is not going to come into the session.

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And we understand in hindsight seeing everything that played out,

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why he got so disregulated.

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So of course he dumped water bottles,

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and then you said you were confused and annoyed.

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Well,

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the confusion,

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I think maybe that's been cleared up.

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The annoyance,

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I,

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I would argue it's because we didn't preserve the model.

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If the model would have been preserved

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and a parent would not have been allowed back.

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I think there still could have been power and control,

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but I don't think it would have escalated to the degree that it did.

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And or if it did escalate,

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you would at least understand the why

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he's grasping at power and control,

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so he's going to do whatever he can to feel powerful.

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And sometimes that means shelf swiping.

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Sometimes that means room wrecking.

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Sometimes that means calling you names and saying that they hate you.

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But we understand it in light of where they are,

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and you didn't indicate how many sessions in you are.

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But I'm curious if this is potentially also resistance.

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So,

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lots of factors.

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The moral of all of it is we have to be really careful

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to ensure

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that kids

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are

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not

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having us deviate regardless of what they insist or demand.

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Because

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it is our job to clinically preserve

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the model

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and to trust the process.

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And as soon as we introduce outliers or

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unknowns.

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We no longer can guarantee the success of the model.

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So,

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Dovi,

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thank you for the question.

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I hope that

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that

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helps and shed some light on that and maybe for all of you.

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I know many of you

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get in scenarios where you question whether or not a parent should come back.

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And or you allow a parent to come back,

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but that is not part of CCPT.

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So,

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to be fully adherent

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and to be all in.

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You have to be able to set those limits when needed.

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And you have to understand the why.

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You're not setting a limit to be cruel or to be harsh

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or to be rigid.

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You're setting a limit to preserve the efficacy of the model,

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and we do that at all costs.

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You're also doing it to preserve the relationship.

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We do that

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at all costs in addition to the clinical side of it.

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Nothing should ever

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get in the way of our relationship with our clients.

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And a parent coming in will absolutely do just that.

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So we safeguard against that.

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All right,

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I love y'all.

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If you want to reach out,

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please do brenna@thekidcounselor.com.

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We'll talk again soon.

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Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.

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For more episodes and resources,

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please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.