Ask a Monastic! Is Grief Buddhist, Facing Boredom, & Escaping Desert Islands? | CMM & Bhante Rāhula

Welcome to a Wednesday evening with
Clare Mountain. Ajin Kovo is at a Guinko
retreat today uh and this week and we
were going to have a traditional just
Q&A session where people could ask
questions of um of me and I could speak
to some thoughts around them. And then I
realized it'd be way more fun to do if I
had uh one of my dearest monastic
brothers with me, Bonte Rahula. So Bonte
joining us from Guadalajara at Panya
Bumi Monastery. So good to see you.
>> Happy to be here.
>> So for those of you who haven't uh met
Bonte Rahula, um he's in Guadalajara at
a wonderful little monastery named Pany,
which he's creating. and he visited us
last year. We have an a conversation
scheduled with him for uh later this
spring and he's going to be visiting us
in mid June as well. But um first of all
uh while people think of some questions
that they'd like to ask uh into the the
space um for you and I, I just wanted to
ask you Bonte, what have you been up to
these last uh nine months or so? Tell
tell me about the
>> Well, I after after visiting you, it's a
pleasure to be here. Thank you Vant for
the invitation. A pleasure to be with
all the community. After visiting you, I
came back to Mexico and I prepared the
tour of uh retreats and damat talks in
Asia. So the last three months I I was
there. It was a six country uh journey.
So first arrived in Malaysia in SPS
visiting. One of the main things for me
was to visit my teachers because I I I
became 10 years as a monk this year. So
I wanted to see them. It was very
important for me. So I went first to SBS
with Bantaria.
Make made a a self retreat there. Then I
went to Koala Lumpur to have two three
retreats. one loving kindness retreat,
one for one day for teenagers and one uh
I think was like seven or eight day
retreat with the with the BGF community.
Then I went to the pilgrimage in India
with a group of Malaysia, Mexico,
Singapore and Brazil. So we were like a
bus and we did all the sacred sites. So
it was two weeks very you know how it is
very intense traveling from place to
place. I was the only monk there and we
did like a journey retreat. So we were
practicing meditation, having some
exploration of the sutas, dhama talk,
Q&A and then after those two weeks uh I
went to Singapore for another retreat
and damat then to rest a little bit.
That was there was no activities but it
was very beautiful going in alms round
every day in the village with Burmese
and Burmese workers and Thai community.
It was really a delight. and then I went
to Myanmar to visit my teachers. So that
that's how it ended and then came back.
So it was I'm just uh getting uh normal
back the the jetlag effect and uh
starting again all the all the systems
here in the monastery. H [clears throat]
>> um what did any takeaways from your your
pilgrimage? Any sites that affected you
especially or from your time at SPS?
>> Wow. from the pilgrimage in the place
where the Buddha died in Kusinara. I
decided to continue as a monk. That was
the place 10 years ago where I said,
"No, I cannot I cannot waste this
opportunity." So there in a in a Tibetan
monastery which you can see the the the
stupa where the Buddha passed away just
from the window. It was very shocking
for me that day. I I I I practiced
overnight there and that day I decided
so to come back 10 years after and with
the joy in the seeing the teachers and
how I have to say they're happy of how
how the dharma is benefiting many people
on this side from all of us they know us
and they they send best regards to you
and Bante Kovilo and everybody's very
happy of what is happening here in
America So with that blessing and uh
going back to the place where I chose to
continue 10 years later, wow, it was
really special for me like a
confirmation. [laughter]
>> Before we go to the questions from from
people in the chat, um there's one
question, one story I always like to get
you to tell tell and it's of your uh
your teach Well, there's two, but the
one maybe we could lead with is the
Hayoka story. And I know we've had you
talk about it on Saturday, but it's it's
so good. Um, if you would be willing.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah. The hayoka. Yeah. As you know, the
uh in the Native American communities uh
in in in South Dakota when I went to the
Sundance, I went two or three times to
the Sundance there. And uh I was very
puzzled by a gentleman that was inside
the ceremony. He was dancing backwards
and he was in the midst of the ceremony.
people is not eating or drinking water
for four days and four nights, dancing
straight to the sand and he would come
in front of them and just drink water in
in front of them and even throw the
water in front of the faces and he was
going and picking the the the weakest
dancers. So I have to admit I was a lay
person back then. I really got aversion
towards that gentleman. And uh at the
end of the ceremony, I see him standing
beside the chief. And then I go to the
to uncle uncle Luciano, the the medicine
man who brought us back then. I say,
"Uncle, what is that guy doing beside
the chief? I mean, he was just making
people miserable and mocking everybody."
And then uncle turned to me and he said,
"Well, he he's a hayoka. I'm kind of
indic with indignation. What what kind
of thing is that hayoka thing?"
[laughter]
And he say heoka means the sacred clown
or the sacred trickster
>> is that person who has the ability to
show you where you break.
>> That's why he is sacred. Oh, and you
know in the Buddha's in the Buddha's
teaching we have a parallel in in in in
in few places in the scriptures we can
hear that the Buddha says having a
knowledgeable and compassionate person
beside you who can let you know where
you can improve or where you are failing
is a treasure indeed. So I I would say
that the if the Buddha would have if the
Buddha would have heard the yoga thing
he would say. So that guy is is
precisely the person who show us where
we break, where we are weak or he's
pointing us in a not very nice way.
Maybe he's pointing us directly where I
need to improve. So the question then
comes to all of us do we happen any of
us just by by coincidence do we happen
to have a hyoka in our lives a difficult
person who comes and knows where our
bottoms are? Well to change the
perspective from having an enemy or a
person who here comes and I get dosa now
we come and
sensei shifu master thank you very much
you are very welcome thank you show me
please we take away the the the wrapping
of the gift he's giving maybe the the
way he wraps his gift is very not nice
but so far I don't know I think all of
us we always took the wrap shopping and
throw it into the rubbish. We always
kept the gift. So let's keep the gift
from our hayokas in our lives or hayoka
cannot just be a person but a situation
or society or politics or politicians
[laughter]
or anybody who comes and show breaks us
and now we know where we are breaking
and that's gold. So that's that's what I
share. There is there is one talk that I
think we we maybe we do in Seattle is
called uh how to make our challenges our
allies
>> that will be that this point is is is
addressed there and I think that's a by
changing the attitude already dosa
decrease we already gaining sensei shifu
and we hear the gong
[laughter]
here comes the teacher
>> my mom used to wrap uh presents in
comics often which is very appropriate
for the
>> Hayoka
simile.
>> Yes.
>> Thank you, Bonte.
>> Hey, Bante.
>> So, we'll uh we'll go to some questions
now and people can just type them into
the chat for Bonte or myself. And uh
I'll have one more question at the end
to sandwich all these, but we'll go for
about another 40 minutes and then jump
over to Zoom.
>> [clears throat]
>> How can one bow to the frustration that
arises when intentioned and aspiration
aren't present are present but
conditions aren't right to do something
do you want to take this one first
>> start I will I will continue to soak it
in so I read it again how can one bow to
the frustration that arises when
intention and aspirations are present
but the conditions aren't right to do
something. Yeah, if you wish bante and
then I I can follow up.
I'd say um
I think Longor Beeramo um talks about
uh humility as a love of reality. And
for me, the four noble truths, the first
two are a spiral staircase down towards
humility. Like
the self forms in the shadow of our
desires.
And so so often you don't see the self
manifest strongly until you know your
desire is frustrated and you know
whether it's something very simple like
wanting a certain situation to manifest
or something very deep like a very
wholesome desire being frustrated the
world shouldn't be like this you know
why is this not happening
>> um and then but when that's frustrated
you really see the self um begin to
vibrate and uh make itself known and
it's almost like hauling it out from um
you know from the forest and you get to
see it uh you get to see its flavor and
the pain associated with it. Um and that
is the essence of the first noble truth
to understand Duca and to really lay our
hands carefully on it. And um you know I
I think the reason that that first noble
truth is so profound and meaningful to
put at the start of the list of four
noble truths and its duty of
comprehending dooka is because it's so
hard to really turn the heart from its
wanting things to be a certain way to
understanding that your duty in that
moment is to just be with the sense of
frustration or difficulty. and and it's
not an easy turning of the heart, but
it's it's such a profound one if you're
able to do it. Um like to stand under
dooka and I've quoted this before and
you'll like this bonte, but there was a
um a teacher named Frank Ostases. He was
talking about the first noble truth and
he uh a man in the audience said, "Oh,
it's like telephone poles." And he said,
"What do you mean?" And he said, "Well,
I used to work installing telephone
poles." And the foreman said, "If this
pole begins to ru uh fall, which way do
you run?" And he said, "Well, you run
away." And the foreman said, "No, you
run right up to it and you put your
hands on it because then you know which
way it'll fall."
>> And and that's for me the first noble
truth is like that careful act of
putting your hands on on that. And um
yeah, I mean, so I just think really
taking to heart um the Buddhist framing
of that directing of of our attention to
to the difficulty and frustration of of
having to wait and and conditions not
being what we thought they would we
would wish they would be.
>> What would you say, Vonte?
I as I read the question and and you
were saying it came many times the
elegance of the Buddha that can be
applied regarding because I think the
question is referring to when to say
something we as I perceive the we wish
to do we have the will and the intention
to do something good but the conditions
are not ready and the Buddha knew that
very well when he explains the
conditions for right speech he doesn't
only speak about for it to be truthful
beneficial But for me the the the the
the culmination of his elegance because
even for himself he was talking about
himself. He would say if something is
true I proceed on saying it. If
something is beneficial if it is unb
true but is unbeneficial why to say it
is unbeneficial. So even if it is true
it's unbeneficial but if it is true
beneficial he will still is it is
pleasant or unpleasant to the person who
will listen he will go forward.
Sometimes we need to say something that
is unpleasant but is necessary but then
at the end he will keep the last uh
checkpoint which is is this the right
moment
>> to do so and for me if the Buddha I mean
if the Buddha [laughter]
was taking the space having the wisdom
that he had having the the compassion
that he has he was still waiting what
sometimes I think what can be said of
what can be said of us. So I think
that's the ultimate space for for
elegance and I I think we all but
certainly I have done many mistakes on
trying to share something meaningful
that I it has been beneficial for me but
I did it in the wrong moment and it
landed opposite because the people
thought why are you trying to to you
think you are superior than me are you
trying to convince me or something if
the person if that was not the moment or
I would say something very wise but the
person was was buying a a piece of of of
chocolate at that time. So the the the
the wise words will fall just flat into
the floor. So having that sensitivity
and elegance and now coupling with what
you mentioned Vante this patience
that I think is the challenge but uh we
have seen it in our teachers many times.
We can uh we can get inspired by it.
There are instructions to do so. And I
will add something at the end that
moment we have the intention. We have
the the right wisdom that can help
somebody. The intention is beautiful
compassion and that moment and I think
as a as a double safety net you bant you
already gave one safety net. We need to
deal maybe with the frustration that it
is not present. But another double
safety net that we can put my dear
family the moment might never come
[laughter] or the person might not be
interested in our help. And that is the
case in some of the moments. give a
belief is on the way in this case being
religious belief or or ego beliefs or
whatever wrong views
that moment might not come and uh we
need to still celebrate our I think uh
even if we couldn't help somebody we can
still celebrate our good intention
wholesome intention and stay on the I
tried my best and I know the intention
is clear by the way we need to be very
Sure why ask clearly why am I trying to
say this because very often I don't know
you but in my case yeah many times some
intentions creep in and sometimes the
ego wants to say it etc. So if we check
their intentions are wholesome
even if it was not possible we can be at
peace knowing and uh we continue our
paths and and more opportunities will
come and in general I would say also it
is possible but yes aspiring for a
good quality elegance that will be
something to to look for and we can yes
we can
I like that and it reminds me of the um
that waiting uh you know upa e equipo is
the etmology is from like to look
closely and you think about
>> when a dancer like pauses between
movements like often it's a it's a a
pose that requires a lot of composure to
hold you know but they're waiting for
the the note to be right for the next
movement and
>> and I think like that translation of
equinimity is so so precious because of
that sense of equipoise and uh
>> and then to know that like it's a real
act of love to give someone the freedom
to make their own mistakes
>> like like for me with people I'm really
close to often I actually have to like
intentionally step back from them and
think of my mother or my father just as
good friends you know with their own
paths their own mistakes to make and
like in that sense equinimity is
actually a deep a really deep form of
love because you're trusting someone
enough to you're honoring them enough to
have their own path even if you know you
can't intervene at that moment and make
everything right. So
>> I want you just remind me my father one
time let allow me to make that mistake
in front of him. I wanted to gamble. I
have some savings. I a very short story.
I wanted to buy something. I was a
teenager. I wanted to buy something very
and I go with him but there was a like a
fair and there was some gambling and
then I said oh maybe I can double my
money and then he just ah you want to do
so? Oh, he followed me and then I stay
and then I start gambling kind of with
some I remember was some marbles that
you throw into some numbers or something
like a carnival and then I start and he
just quietly saw me losing all the money
and then when I finish I mean now I
admire so much his patience. He just
stayed beside I mean you see your son
losing all his savings in front of you
and then when I finish and I'm looking
at him like like oh he just took all the
money like kind of like this and then he
just told me are you done? Okay,
[clears throat] let's move on. And then
we went and I couldn't buy the thing
that I wanted to buy for the bicycle or
something like that. And he I admire so
much his patience. He just saw me losing
everything. But you know when I gamble
in my life again,
never again. That was it. [laughter]
>> That was it. Bless my father.
>> And and just the act of like wa him
watching you just frames it in this
whole different way. Like you know they
call the Buddha the loca vidu knower of
the worlds and just just the act of
being present with someone even if you
can't say the thing like that's that's
quite an act of kindness too you know
>> my respect papa my respect I don't know
if I will be able to do that with my
asan [laughter]
yes
>> what are the effects of aversion
annoyance frustration judgment
complaining is it possible to reduce and
eliminate it with selfaccept Acceptance.
>> What are the
>> Do you want to take this one?
>> Effects of aversion. Yes. Annoyance,
frustration, judgment. Oh, just the
taste of it. Just the memory of it. I
will just I will just name them one by
one. What are the effects of Oh, we all
know them. We have all experienced all
of them. Aversion, frustration,
judgment. And what was the end of the
question? How can we eat? Is it possible
to reduce and eliminate it with
self-acceptance?
>> We self have acceptance.
>> I will go just with acceptance because
self will already bring a little bit of
trouble. So yes, it is self-acceptance.
But one of the things that have helped
me a lot whenever these emotions or or
modes of thinking arise is accept that
they are part of nature. Not only me but
even animals get angry or frustrated.
I've seen animals angry or frustrated.
So I don't know if much judgmental
or complaining but we are good for it.
So just to recognize and label
helps me a lot to accept this is anger.
is not that I am angry because if I have
the little nuance in my personal
practice if I kind of go and start
practicing my self-acceptance I already
buy anger as something mind or something
of the self I have the sensation I'm
just putting it on the table to explore
but if I just say anger has arised and
is natural that acceptance comes and I
don't need to come and invest myself in
any way or the idea that I have about
myself which we know is wrong. So there
is no self already on the thing because
if the self whatever the self touches
like like the mid midas midas king you
call like that. No whatever the whatever
the Midas king whatever he touch was be
became gold I here my Midas king the
self the ego whatever it touches it
putrifies it so whatever it touches just
spoils it so uh I think acceptance in
itself yes annoyance frustration
judgment and complaining also
simplifying something that I do
generally whenever suffering raises the
alarm qua you're suffering you're
suffering you're suffering Okay, the
next question is where did I got hooked?
Two options, aversion or desire. I mean
either pushing or pulling. All of these
are dosa. So in my case simplifying it
them to dosa is the mind doesn't want
something. That's why it judges. That's
why it complains that why it feels
frustration and that's why it gets
annoyance and is aversive and angry. So
instead of having many enemies it's like
it's like a magic trick. You have a now
we have five enemies and suddenly we
just make it one. Oh, I see you. And now
I can fight you because I am if I'm
trying to fight with a gang. Oh no, I
better just fight the boss of the gang
and all the other members will be oh no
no if he he beat up the the boss and all
the other all the other ones henchman
will will not there. So simplifying it
it's just a version. The man doesn't
want something. And now if I think can I
accept my aversion? Can I accept my
judgment or myself uh criticism or
complaining? I find it very difficult.
But can I accept the force or of energy
of pushing away not wanting it is in in
in the way of experience is way simpler.
I am only dealing with one is the father
of all the other ones. And can I accept
that aversion exist? And of course even
animals have it. Everybody has it. Can I
accept my unskillfulness and where did I
get hooked? Now we are dealing with
something that might come handy and
beneficial to see why why did I got
hooked on the first place. We will start
digging digging and sooner or later who
as
you get angry who [snorts] gets angry
the self the ego or some interest or
something. We are aversive towards
something because there is a desire for
something different. Mo all of the time
they're they're like like coupled in
that way. So the investigation opens
investigation of nature. If
self-compassion will help and acceptance
I think is is acceptance definitely but
acceptance of nature I think will do the
job faster and we might get less
muddy on the on the on the self on the
self part. What do you think Vante?
>> That was a great I love the King Midas
simile.
I mean um
in the uh in the path to purification um
the chapter on dealing with anger and
aversion is is the longest of any of the
chapters because you know even when you
reduce it down to the one boss um it's
quite a boss to go up against and you
need a lot of tools um
and I think you can trace it back even
more like you can turn the boss into a
child, you know, because if you go back
even farther in dependent origination
from the craving, you come to to to to
va feeling and and suffering.
And often like for me that if I'm having
a version like I can label aversion and
that works sometimes, but often if you
just know okay like this is suffering
like I don't this really hurts. M
[clears throat]
>> it's it's almost like it, you know, then
you're not fighting a big mob boss.
You're fighting a little just vulnerable
child because you found, you know, your
way to the root of, you know, this child
dressed up in in an adult's clothing and
um [clears throat]
>> and then the sense that
often, you know, the different tools you
can you can bring to it. Um
where
acceptance is one word. Oh, and the
effects. I mean, the effects are anger
with its honey tip and poison root, you
know, and um just the damage it does.
And also, the Buddha says that one of
the karmic effects of anger is ugliness.
And you can see it in yourself actually.
It's like when you get angry, you just
look you just your face turns into a
whole it contorts into a whole different
shape. Um Ain Kov and I have started
deciding to take pictures of each other
if we're if we're ever looking angry
like [laughter] that. And uh
you know the the thing also is like
acceptance is one word but I I really
find what you're saying about the hayoka
like the wind is so strong that if
you're just trying to stay stand
straight against it sometimes it still
blows you over. have to like lean into
it to really stay balanced. Which means
what? Gratitude is
>> often a really key component of those
moments is saying like you know this
difficult situation is my hayoka. You
know this difficult situation is how I
grow my patience and compassion and if
we didn't have those difficult that
friction with the world there'd be no
motivation to seek the path. I mean the
Buddha says that one of the you know
duca can either lead to bewilderment or
a search or faith and like why why would
we even look for for a spiritual
transcendence if the world was too good?
I mean that's the problem with so many
of the DVA realms. And so really
[clears throat] understanding this like
mixture we have in the human realm of
dirt and and you know gold and putrid
it's all it's so it's the perfect mix if
we take it right and uh so yeah um
gratitude you know invoking that
acceptance of nature and conditionality
um skillful means just of like not
bringing someone to mind for a while I
think is a totally the Buddhist says
that's one of the means of dispelling
resentment is just don't bring them to
um giving a gift is one of the visi uses
that really works well. Um or just
spreading metaphor oneself like so often
the the the
reaction or or natural instinct when you
have anger towards someone is to spread
it towards them but instead you know
just spreading it towards oneself with
how much it hurts to be angry and uh
yeah true meta practice requires an
agility and a wisdom too. So
>> anything else Bonte to add on there? Um
well yeah I think I think it's is it's
is uh kind of covered and I was just
looking at the at the functions of mind
the judgment the complaining and the
frustration.
I think the real culprit in the back of
all of them is a desire of something
different. We get frustrated because we
have an expectation that things should
be faster. We get judgmental because we
think we think we have a better way of
doing things. You shouldn't be doing
that. the shoots come up and then the
complaining definitely all the all the
so I think not just when remembering
like in bata samada or or even in the
fornable truth when they say bante if
they were to add the Buddha bante what
is the source of suffering he said
attachment and craving he didn't say
anger I did but I have suffered so much
because of anger in my life I actually
it feels way more horrible I am actually
in love of desire I love it. But why did
he said and then I think we cannot leave
the the the elephant in the room in the
shadows because finally we might be
fighting the wrong boss because the re
the real boss will be in the back and of
course ignorance in the back of it. But
that's that that's the real the the the
the capo the the ilpadrino ilpadrino the
main one is ignorance in the back just
looking all the identification for whom
wants what but I think all of this
keeping in mind to to to look at both
when anger is there two will two will
two call two more henchmen will be
together who is getting angry I I am
getting angry so ego and
selfidentification definitely definitely
will be there. And the desire for
wanting to things to be different and if
I were to say I think that one is more
dangerous
>> because it lurks into the back of our
minds as a friend
and an enemy who is skillful in present
him or herself as a friend that's a
dangerous guy.
Adventure. Adventure. [laughter]
>> I like that one. I
>> It reminds me of the There's also um
finding the species of the elephant in
the back of the room is useful, too. And
there's four kinds of clinging that
don't get talked about a lot, but it's
clinging to sensuality, clinging to
views, clinging to concept of self, and
clinging to rights and rituals.
>> And comes up, it's really useful to see
like which one of these is the problem.
Like if someone cuts in front of me in
the food line, am I angry and takes the
donut? Am I angry because of my
attachment to the sensuality like the
donut? Am I angry because of my
attachment to my view of myself? Like
you know, uh
>> how dare you? How dare you?
>> And then or am I angry because of
attachment to rights and rituals? Like
this isn't how we do things at the
monastery. Or
>> am I angry because of um oh I forgot the
other one now. Oh, views. just this
person always does that, you know, and
like just getting a little flavor of of
the elephant in the back of the room
helps a lot too. So
>> that's a nice one. Nice one, Bante to
have. Now we have a way. Now we have the
you know when when you have a fireplace,
there are some tools generally beside
the fireplace like a little shovel and a
little little pincers to get the thing.
Now with these four things that you just
mentioned the this these four
characteristics that we can search in
the quality of the attachment or or or
judgment that we have now we have real
this these tools to get inside into the
fire without getting burnt and a way to
to kind of to to get them to move the
lock to move the the the how do you say
the the the burning the burning amber
the amber.
>> Yeah. safely. And now now now we can get
it. Now we can now now we can deal. Now
we can talk. Now we're talking. Now we
can deal it. Yeah. Ah the Buddha very
skillful and the teachers and ah very
nice
>> asks I had recently heard a comment that
grief may not be an acceptable Buddhist
response.
>> Grief
may grief.
You want to talk about this?
>> Let's think grief.
If we recall teachings
in patada at the end
etc etc grief is mentioned there. So it
is not it is it is put in the question I
read that in a comment that grief is not
uh be an acceptable Buddhist uh response
in the way that grief is mentioned there
is a is a kind of suffering in from that
kind of perspective yes hopefully none
of us will will suffer or or grief.
Another thing to add that why this might
be so that that perspective on the on
the word or in the emotion or mental
state is that uh grief generally is
linked we generally grieve to something
that we were attached to. If we were not
attached to [snorts] somebody many
people die in the world but we don't
know them. So we are not grieving today.
many people thousands of people died
today and we are not grieving right now
because there was no relation or no
attachment etc. So if from that
perspective but on the other hand I
think there is also in this in the
teachings this might be this might
support what is what is uh addressed in
the question but on the other hand also
I have seen how in my own teachers how
they accompany people who because of
whatever reason the compassion is there
to support somebody who is grieving or
to allow ourselves also to to grieve
understanding that we are not yet
totally free from all attachment and
that's part of the world and uh so far
the the world world the worldly world
and uh to accept it and accompany each
other I have seen many kinds many
moments in my own teachers to be kind or
lighting up the situation trying to pull
me I was grieving one one time I had a
loss and uh I saw the teachers kind of
in The tone of voice it's hey come on
yes life is like this we need to accept
we are together shall we move forward
kind of no so on on the other hand I
never have experienced indirect when I
was grieving I never felt like a sense
of judge oh you actually did happen as a
monk so there was even from my teacher
monk teachers to another monk I have
never felt any kind of uh sensation that
that was not an acceptable thing
>> in general. I have received uh
compassion and accompaniment and that's
what I have felt in a human
level whenever I find somebody is allow
for it to happen because yes we need to
in the process of grieving we need to
make many adjustments the functions that
that person thing or project was
fulfilling in our life the story we tell
about ourselves is not present so we
have a hole we need to fill up the hole
so we don't fall each time we remember
We continue falling and hitting the
head. Eventually we level the ground and
we can walk on top of our scars
on top of our mental scars. No problem.
We are already walking. The scar is
there but it doesn't hurt anymore. We
while we filled up that that void of
that loss because if I understand well
generally grieving grieving happens
after a loss bring some wisdom that loss
is natural that the Buddha himself was
so poignant on saying it you remember
when he said uh whatever is dear and
loving will become otherwise will become
separated from you is one of the five
contemplations that we need to be doing
every day whatever is love whatever I
love and is dear to me one day is going
to be separated. So supporting and
preventing future falls into those holes
that made that are made because of life
because of nature we are already
preparing ourselves with a with a good
uh uh ground. So whenever it happens we
already have the wisdom we knew it. So
the grieving hopefully last little and
lastly to go with you Bante I have
always felt that teachers in general
although they allow for grief to happen
they don't advise and even the Buddha
and in some of the contemplations have
said uh it's it's not so it will bring
you more sorrow if we if we if we kind
of cuddle with it if we fall into it
that's a little bit dangerous and
teacher says okay you you fail yes I
help you stand Let's uh uh undust how
you say the uh take take the dust away.
Yep. Let's go and life continues. So
they do also have that without any
judgment. Let's move forward. Don't stay
there. It it hurts. Let let's accept
what why you think
I think the um Yeah. I've never seen a
teacher grieve.
Yeah, me neither.
>> And and yeah, and I think you know it's
interesting because it's one of those
terms in the west that gets uh held a
lot and coddled like you said, but um
and I think that's because there's
there's really wholesome meaningful
elements in it. people see like
poignency
and I think we can still hold that like
if we have a loss you know the Buddha
even when he was looking at at his
assembly and venerable Sara and
venerable Mahamo Galana weren't there he
said this assembly appears empty to me
you know without those two like and I
know a teacher who did I think really
cry for his mother when when she died
and I I think I will too my mom's
probably watching [laughter]
>> but
I love mom and
But but also that that hole you point
to. Um
>> I think it's it's almost like there's an
incomplete narrative there. And
>> I remember someone was talking about the
nature of spiritual friendship. And um
he said, you know, when I come into this
community, I feel closer to these people
than I felt to anyone in my whole life,
but [clears throat]
>> when I leave, I don't miss them at all.
And from a from a worldly perspective,
that sounds monstrous, but it's
actually, you know, it's we're we're
changing from this relationship of
entangled strings to like sympathetic
resonance where you pluck a note and and
all the strings that are two and the
same all resonate together. And just
like that, Fonte and uh [laughter]
>> I think the uh you know and um and
honestly I think when you take broaden
your gaze and see how many people we've
been mothers to and brothers to and
sisters to and and just see the full
story and and see also like the person
isn't lost. the goodness in them
carries, you know, like Saras continue
on and and if you believe in rebirth
then from life to life even and there's
something about
you can appreciate a loss and it can
touch you and it can touch those notes
of poignency and you can honor it. Um
and and I think that's really important.
But
there's also a way that it becomes
almost a doorway to a much deeper
compassion for all beings. Like the
Buddha looked out on the world and he
saw you know I mean even he went back
and and you know found his son and
ordained Rahula you know but
but but he looked out in the world and
he saw all beings deserve the same
compassion. And for me like that gaze of
the Buddha, it doesn't
that's the gaze we can all come to at
some level. And it doesn't mean we don't
have relationships which are
particularly karmically meaningful or
that touch us especially. But I think at
the end of the day like there is a
different way of looking at us all as
fellow travelers and
>> giving as much as we can and wishing the
best and being touched by poignency but
also you know if you getting yeah too
attached to grief I think the Buddha
venerable saruta
>> dangerous
>> yeah and
>> dangerous
>> he says like venerable Anand says the
reason venerable saruta doesn't have
grief is because he's not he does not
have conceit.
I think that's why like he's uh
venerable Anandas asked if the Buddha or
he asks venerable Sarbuta if the Buddha
passed would you feel grief and
venerable Sar says no I wouldn't all
things that arise pass and he says
that's because venerable Sarputa does
not have any conceit
>> and I've always found that very
interesting
>> vante
grief is an endless leak
>> I have seen people I know people close
to my family starting with my
greatgrandfather
who died of grief.
>> I know three people for sure that you
may not say that oh boy was because of
the grief but definitely they released
themselves. So my greatgrandfather
t uh father grandfather uh Gonzalo when
my great-grandmother Aria she died there
she was very young and he just gave on
gave up on life and left my my grandma
and the the four of the four of them uh
uh orphans and he just gave up. So we it
is a it is a thing that we can
acknowledge, care for but cannot linger
too long because it's an endless leak,
an endless pit that can even take life.
>> It's just uh the the the imagine when we
are grieving and it is even
scientifically proven our our uh immune
system is is weak. So we are vulnerable.
So yes uh we allow but uh we stand
whenever is possible. Yeah. And it's
useful like the the language is
problematic here but you know karuna
compassion is a luminous mind state and
and the dark side of all those mind
states is doinasa and that means like
downward mind and that's always unh
wholesome and you don't ever have to
have that there but yeah you can have
great poignency too. So
>> one last thing Bante when you were
saying is like when we are separated
from somebody if the grief came from
losing somebody don't worry we we we we
are just rolling in the same carousel we
if we haven't finished hopefully we
finish soon we will see back again it's
just temporary change and off we go for
another ride and uh yeah life is a
wonder
>> Holly Holly's question about equinimity
when dealing with uh a cognitive
declining um person. I Holly, I want to
save that for Zoom because I want the
community to be able to speak to it. So,
I'm going to put that one aside just
until we move into Zoom in about five
minutes.
[clears throat]
>> Let's go for my dad's actually. Can you
>> Oh, papa.
>> Papa, can you both talk about the fear
of boredom as a hindrance? I think Bonte
once I heard you say it was one of the
most h fundamental hindrances.
>> Yeah. The mother the mother of many
[laughter]
>> go for it.
>> So it it says how both about the fear of
boredom as a hindrance. I think bande
once I would say there was most
fundamental hindrances in the
explanations of the abidama it is
included boredom as the beginning of
aversion. Actually when we are bored it
it is like my teacher used to say this
this example. He said when a child is in
the dentist office, mom first he's he's
very kind of normal. Mom when when are
we leaving? Oh no no just a few minutes
and we we will going mom when are we
leaving? And you can hear mama when
already. So already uh boredom was is is
kind of the match that eventually if we
don't pay attention to the match the
whole forest can be gone forever.
>> The burning of the forest all these
these fires that we unfortunately have
seen recently started with a match or
some with a very small spark. So it is
something to be uh wary of and I I'm a
little bit worried because in our
culture it seems that boredom is
something that we shouldn't have and
immediately when a baby or a son is
boredom bored because generally a bored
person is a little bit annoying
parents immediately give the iPad nana
nanny or iPhone nanny. Yeah yeah yeah no
don't be bored. So it is like if it was
not supposed to but there are many
studies that actually the best ideas and
it is very healthy to be bored because
when we are bored because of maybe it's
unpleasantness or or or because of
unless you are monk and you can or not
monk I'm sorry but a practitioner in
general and we start developing a
different relation to silence and to
nothing which is
mia like a mia when you start taste what
I was missing How come I could be just
putting the mind onto yo
content munching biting and then for the
mind just to be for a little while if we
don't come give ourselves the space to
come to love those even even boredom is
is very helpful because the best ideas
and creativity happens in in those
moments is actually very healthy
>> so and tricky because actually is the
match that light and wholesomeness and
if we are kind of awarding it. This is
how I feel when parents kind of see that
it is a sin for the kids to be born and
immediately giving something next. Even
for the mind, I dare to say it's just a
sensation. Even for a mind to mature,
having these spaces of wonder, of
nothing, of a sinking, of whatever is
inside, it even builds up our character
and
to see boredom, which our culture
definitely sees it as a bad thing. I
feel the danger. I feel the the the uh
the the fear the I think we should be
fearful about the attitude we have
towards finally silence or monotony
which is not so much because the planet
is still turning and going around the
sun is not the same ever and it can be
actually very beautiful and very
fruitful. I don't know what you think
Bante I mean I just got that nuance from
what I see on the question what what
Bante my dear Bantes is
[laughter]
>> I love you Bante anyway I love you
>> again I one of my yeah dearest monastic
brothers um
>> I would rather
>> I would just say um
boredom is a I remember going to some um
sermons from other religious leaders and
you could tell that they they felt this
um obligation to kind of lift up the
whole congregation and like get everyone
up to heaven. And it felt it felt so
forced and artificial and um and it gave
me such gratitude for what I see as the
quintessential movement in Buddhism,
which is you allow the heart to drop to
ground and trust that when it touches
ground, something grows immediately. Joy
and and and the the sparkling leaves and
all that. And uh but it's a completely
opposite initial movement. And
there was a period when I was at Mop
John, the the monastery, where whenever
every afternoon I would get uh really
sad. And I couldn't tell why until I um
closed my eyes and realized that my mind
just wanted to pull in. It just wanted
to coales and the the calm was right
there. It just didn't know what to call
it. And it thought it was boredom or
sadness or something. and
and and often when I'm in that state
where, you know, you're kind of keeping
yourself going through entertainment and
the munching um I just you can't really
see an off-ramp because you're in this
feverish state and and this whole other
landscape of desert appears to be
labeled boredom. But like I find it's
really important in those moments to
realize often there's a trap door right
below you. Like if you just stop and
allow the mind to sink down and and this
in the anapana suta like the mindfulness
and breathing suit is right there like
one calms the bodily fabrications and
often calming and letting go of activity
can until you allow yourself to do it or
even like hover on the edge it can
really seem
you don't know your mind doesn't
understand what it is. It thinks it's
boredom because that's the only label
it's had for that. But then if you
really intentionally release and trust
like often you find a quietude there
>> that issues in luminosity you know
[laughter] things and uh
>> that is beautiful beautiful that space
you are referring to when the mind just
>> good things yeah follow
>> and and and I'd say the the one the one
thing that one so so the fear of that I
think it's we have to watch that and not
trust it. And
the thing that we I think should watch
out for is dryness because like that
that can on like long retreat or
something like [clears throat] the
Buddha talked about soaking in pleasure
and we need that for practice
>> but dryness if you sense that like okay
this is my heart's dry then something
does probably need to be changed like
you need to bring in joy or muda or
rejoicing it's arati like discontent and
the Buddha said muda is a cure for arati
but
But yeah, I think boredom often there's
some there's there's gold wrapped in
that that wrapping paper of of boredom
that we label and you just have but if
you hover on the edge and don't really
let yourself release into it, you never
know what's hiding underneath the
surface of that water. So
>> it is it is like have you seen I
remember the one movie I saw long ago of
a of a how you call the the man who the
boat crashes the ship crashes and he end
up straying a island
>> castaway with the with play volleyball.
>> Yeah. Yeah. With Wilson. Yeah. So you
see he many times tried to make a a a um
boat and he's trying to cross but there
is a little place of the wave that you
can never cross because it was the
breaking. But once you cross if we allow
our minds if we all the time allow the
the the wave of boredom to take us back
and back and back again and we never try
and give the opportunity to move
forward, we will never see the open sea.
we will never see. And that I mean that
image is like suddenly the the waves was
actually one very small uh obstacle
between our comfort, complacency and the
the the the joy of exploration in the
open sea and and freedom finally because
that was the way he he he he got free.
So just as you I this I my image came
just to cross it give an opportunity
call it different and allow silence and
as you say I I agree very much and I you
know I'm very big advocate if uh h of
joy and of the brahma viharas because an
engine who is working constantly without
oil will break and to the wisdom engine
needs oil the wisdom engine needs honey.
If we are only oh duka kaduka suffering
this is suffering you need to detach you
cannot love you can you separate and
nobody is no one you are nothing oh if
we just go on to that route the Buddha
was very clear pity joy is is one of the
factors of the janas to to mention a few
and factors of enlightenment I mean it
is there and in the in the main sutas it
is present so we need to be bringing
this oil this honey into the the
machinery otherwise device as you said
it can it can the pistons can cancel and
then uh we get into trouble. So
fortunately there are many many tools
for it. Yeah
>> I I I hope if I'm ever on that journey I
uh I hope we can take you along as a
Wilson at least. We have one comment
Wilson. Um Bonte we should go over to
Zoom. Um but okay
>> we have a lot of love for Bonte Rahula
on here and
>> um for those who don't know yeah Bonte
will be visiting us in uh mid June we'll
be doing a dayong retreat on Sunday uh
we have that on the website and Bonte
how can people find you and kind of uh
tap into you online if they're
interested
>> in Spanish we have uh every Sunday we
meet through Zoom but it's in Spanish
but now I see there's some AI that can
bring the the the the translation or
something like that that is happening
live on on Zoom every Sunday and uh we
also have a website that is on the
making and another one to if for people
who feels inspired by the work that is
being done in Pabumi for serving the
local community and palative I'm about
to have some uh workshop for the
palative care center from the government
so it's I'm very glad that the
government is opening for and the drug
addiction programs etc. If someone who
feels inspired to support there is
another another website that is called I
I we want to change it to panyabi but
the gent the boy who offered it put it
banter rahula I think it's banter
rahula.org or or something like this.
Anyway, the support is mostly for the
monastery. My needs are totally covered.
I go for arms every day and everything
is more than covered. So, if somebody
feels we can maybe put onto the onto the
>> chat or somewhere and if and uh I don't
have much presence into social media or
so, but if you can come either to Mexico
or Seattle, very gladly we continue with
the exploration and walking forward.
We'll put the links to those in the
description.
>> Bonte, for those who want to join us on
Zoom, I put the link in the chat. We'll
jump over there.
>> And yeah, Bonte, you're just such a a
dear friend and a light in the world.
>> Si au my dear brother. Ah,
>> best wishes for all the community.
>> [music]