155 | Overcoming Separation Challenges: A Child-Centered Approach

Play Therapy Podcast: A Master-Class in Child-Centered Play Therapy

In this episode, I address a therapist's question about working with a 9-year-old boy struggling with severe separation anxiety. The child's anxiety stems from an experience of an upset stomach while living in Tanzania, which he has now anchored to feeling safe only when his mother is present.

I explain the importance of understanding the root cause of the anxiety and how it helps guide our approach. Rather than viewing it strictly as separation anxiety, I emphasize the somatic nature of the child's experience and the need to desensitize him gradually through empowering choices.

I provide practical strategies for allowing the mother's presence in the playroom while slowly increasing the child's time without her. This involves giving the child choices about the duration of the mother's stay, thus fostering a sense of control and ownership over the process. I also highlight the necessity of coaching the mother on her role and expectations to ensure the child-centered model remains intact.

If you would like to ask me questions directly, check out www.ccptcollective.com, where I host two weekly Zoom calls filled with advanced CCPT case studies and session reviews, as well as member Q&A. You can take advantage of the two-week free trial to see if the CCPT Collective is right for you.

Ask Me Questions: Call ‪(813) 812-5525‬, or email: brenna@thekidcounselor.com Brenna's CCPT Hub: https://www.playtherapynow.com CCPT Collective (online community exclusively for CCPTs): https://ccptcollective.com Podcast HQ: https://www.playtherapypodcast.com APT Approved Play Therapy CE courses: https://childcenteredtraining.com Twitter: @thekidcounselor https://twitter.com/thekidcounselor Facebook: https://facebook.com/playtherapypodcast

References: Cochran, N., Nordling, W., & Cochran, J. (2010). Child-Centered Play Therapy (1st ed.). Wiley. VanFleet, R., Sywulak, A. E., & Sniscak, C. C. (2010). Child-centered play therapy. Guilford Press. Landreth, G. L. (2002). Play therapy: The art of the relationship (2nd ed.). Brunner-Routledge. Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group. Benedict, Helen. Themes in Play Therapy. Used with permission to Heartland Play Therapy Institute.

2024-05-02 17 min Transcript

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Transcript

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.

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Your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get a master class in child-centered,

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play therapy and practical support and application for

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your work with children and their families.

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In today's episode. I am answering a question from Jemima in England

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and Jemima wrote in asking about a nine year

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old boy who she has just begun working with

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and actually when she wrote in it was a couple of months ago.

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So at this point, I'm sure she's

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a little further into the process, but at the time, she had had two sessions

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and the little boy is struggling pretty intensely with separation anxiety.

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So her question was about that, how to handle that

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and what it looks like when a child really

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will not be comfortable leaving a mom or a dad

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or whomever you know, they have their separation anxiety, attachment issues to,

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to come back to the playroom.

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So I'll read you parts of the email that she sent and

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then we'll be able to talk through that a little bit.

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So she said, hi Brenna,

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I've started working with a nine

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year old boy who's experiencing separation anxiety

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and isn't able to be away from his mom without feeling sick.

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This started after the family spent some time living in Tanzania.

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He got a bit of an upset tummy when living there,

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which then turned into feeling ill whenever he was away from his mom

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and he has been off school for an entire term since returning back.

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We've had two sessions so far and his mom has come back with him for both of them.

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She left for the last five minutes of each session.

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She tried to leave the session earlier and go wait in the reception a few times,

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but he didn't want her to. So she stayed.

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How would you approach this?

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I'm not trained in having the parent in the room,

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although I feel I am able to work with him while she's present,

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but I'm not sure how this will work going forward.

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I feel it's important that I don't rush him as

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I want him to feel comfortable and safe with me,

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which may take a while,

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but I am aware that there is an expectation from mom

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that he will come on his own.

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Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks so much for your podcast.

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All right, Jemima. Thank you so much for emailing and for sharing this question.

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It's interesting because

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we've talked a lot about lobby sessions and parking lot sessions and

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when a parent calls and says I can't even get them to get in the car.

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I don't know that we're gonna make it.

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So we have all kinds of resistance for all kinds of reasons, right?

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And in this scenario, I think it's helpful to start with,

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this is really not so much about

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separation anxiety as it is the root cause and the anchored things that are going on.

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So let's tease that apart first and then I'll

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actually be able to dive into more specifics about

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practically addressing this in the playroom.

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But let's kind of track this backwards. Ok.

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So they went to live in Tanzania

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and he got an upset stomach.

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Ok.

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So I suspect that was probably from the water he was drinking

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or it was from certain foods that he was eating, that he was not used to

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or he might have just gotten the stomach bug for a

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few days or there was some kind of somatic nature,

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maybe he was really overwhelmed being in a foreign country.

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And so he actually started feeling a little bit nauseous, but it truly was somatic.

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So at this point, we're not really sure what caused the upset stomach,

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but we know that it was present.

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All right.

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So once a child experiences

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a feeling that is physically present in their body,

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they will naturally anchor that

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to certain circumstances

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and therefore they will anchor the resolution of that

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to other circumstances. So let's make sense of this.

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Let's say he was feeling really bad, his stomach was really bothering him.

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And

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when mom came and gave him some juice or mom hugged him and rubbed his back,

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or mom put a wet washcloth on his forehead

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or told him that he was fine and there was nothing

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wrong and she reassured him and soothed him with her words.

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All of a sudden

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his physical symptoms abated

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which now I have an anchored sensation of being scared when I feel bad

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and feeling not scared when mom is with me? Mom made it better?

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Ok. So are you tracking with how that unfolds in this child scenario?

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So understanding that that is probably the path

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that the child has been on,

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it makes sense now that mom has become the security blanket

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when mom is not around

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the stomach issues immediately reemerge

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and at this point, they truly are somatic.

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So whereas there might have been an actual cause when they were in Tanzania.

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Now it is an anxiety, fear, worry based,

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upset, stomach or nausea,

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which therefore,

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somatically

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is going to make him feel the same thing that he felt

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when they were living abroad.

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And therefore, when I'm with mom, I feel relief.

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So yes,

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we can see this as a separation anxiety issue because he doesn't want to leave mom.

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But usually separation anxiety

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is

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not usually I shouldn't say that often. Separation anxiety is

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attachment related.

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It's relational.

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In this case,

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it's very, very likely tied to huge levels of anxiety

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and the somatic symptoms that go along with that.

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So once we understand that

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that actually helps us kind of formulate

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some thoughts on what we do.

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Now,

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the child-centered model doesn't change based on whatever information

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or insight we can gather from a child.

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So I'm not saying that now that we know that it's

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probably somatic and it's rooted in high levels of anxiety,

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et et cetera.

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We don't do anything differently,

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but it's helpful to at least be aware of what's likely

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causing it because that helps us discuss with mom and dad

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that helps us give them some awareness and perspective,

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that helps us give them tools they can use,

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that helps influence what we might reflect to the child

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because

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we could say

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you really want mom to come back to the playroom with you.

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But is that really what the child's need or desire is?

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I would argue it would be more appropriate to say

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you feel really safe when mom's with you

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notice how that changes the whole dynamic of how we're

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going to reflect once we have insight and awareness.

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So that's why we kind of dive into how did we get here, right.

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All right. So

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Jemima

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to specifically address your questions about how do we navigate this? Ok.

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So at this point, when you emailed it was two sessions in, I'm sure you might be,

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you know, closer to 10 or so.

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Now,

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but, and I have no idea whether the child has actually started to go back on his own.

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But all of us deal with kids that

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don't feel comfortable leaving mom, don't feel comfortable going back.

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Don't want to go back to the playroom for a variety of reasons.

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So this is really important.

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I've said it again. I mean, I've said it before. I'll say it again.

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We never ever, ever force a child to go back to a playroom.

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Under no circumstance. Will we ever insist that a child go back?

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So sometimes that means we have lobby sessions

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and they're just as therapeutically important and

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valuable as when we're in the playroom.

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But in this case, Jemima, he was able to go back if mom went with him,

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our

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policy at the center is that parents do not go back with the child.

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Sometimes the child chooses for the parent to walk them to the playroom door,

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but they do not go into the playroom with the child. That's our center policy.

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But in your case,

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child and mom were both in the playroom.

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So I will work with that scenario even though we would typically encourage

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you to make sure that the mom can sit outside the door.

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If the child really does not feel comfortable without a parent present,

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or they can walk them back to the door,

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but they don't actually enter into the playroom.

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But that said,

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once we realize the child is not willing or able to go back on their own.

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We will not force them,

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we constantly remind them of expectations,

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but we don't necessarily set limits.

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So here's what that might look like.

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You aren't quite ready to go back to the playroom without mom

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or you're choosing to spend some time with mom before we go back to the playroom.

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Or you're unsure if you want to go back and play and have mom wait out here for you.

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So we're just going to continue to validate.

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And if and when the child is at a calm place.

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In other words, they're not emotionally upheaved, they're not crying,

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they're not in panic mode, they're not overwhelmed.

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We might say,

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I wonder if you're ready to go check out the playroom yet

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because by

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checking in

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and

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letting them know that the expectation is that they will go back to the playroom.

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It's making it known

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that that is where the goal is to end up.

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There's no force, there's no push,

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but I wonder if you're ready to go back to the playroom yet.

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Now, in this scenario,

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you can offer choices

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for how the child chooses to

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have mom involved or not involved.

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So, Jemima,

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I'm going to go with your scenario where a parent

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was actually already in the room at one point.

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So I'm going to give different choices than we would give at our

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center where the parent is never allowed in the room but I'm,

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I'm working with your scenario.

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So what you might do after you've had several sessions

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where mom was in there for all but five minutes,

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then you would give choices for a

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longer amount of time that mom won't be in there.

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So let's say the little guy's name is Jack. So

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Jack, it's time for our play time

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and you know that our playtime is just for kids.

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And I know you like to have mom back there.

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So you can choose to have mom stay in there for 30 minutes today

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or you can choose for mom to stay in there for 35 minutes today.

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Which do you choose?

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Now? Of course, the child's going to pick 35 minutes, right? So that's a given.

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But here's what we've done.

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Mom is now out of the room for 15 of the 50 minutes.

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The child had control over it. The child doesn't feel like you tricked him.

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He made the choice I choose for mom to stay for 35 minutes.

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So then 15 minutes

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are without mom,

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then you do that for a couple weeks and then you move to

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ok, you know that our play sessions are just for kids.

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So I wonder if you're ready to come back without mom today? If he says no,

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then it's ok.

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So I wonder if you choose for mom to stay in there for 20

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minutes or if you choose for mom to stay in there for 25 minutes.

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I'm sure he's going to pick 25 and then he's in the room with mom for

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half of his play time and in the room without mom for half of his playtime.

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And all that's happening is the child has a measure of power and control.

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The child has ownership over the outcome.

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And he is learning over time as a slow desensitization

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that he is ok without mom

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and the time keeps increasing.

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So

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that is a really effective way

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to help a child learn that he is capable

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of handling a scenario that otherwise is very,

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very fear invoking and very overwhelming for a highly anxious child.

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Now, here's the caveat

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allowing a parent to be in the room. And Jemima, you mentioned,

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I'm trying to see where you said it.

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I feel I am able to work with him while she's present. OK. That's huge

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because

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the whole

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child-centered model falls apart

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if your relationship with the child is not at

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the heart of everything that's happening in that playroom.

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So if there's intervention, if there's interference, if there's dialogue,

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if there's directive, if mom keeps undermining what you're trying to do,

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if there's anything going on from the parent in there,

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it is detrimental to the process.

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So with this, you can choose to have mom in here for X amount of time or X amount of time

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on the side of this. You also have to coach mom

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on what to do, what not to do, what to say, what not to say.

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Mom needs to be made aware of your expectations of

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her if he's choosing to have her in there.

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So that's a phone call or that's an email exchange or that's, you know,

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an independent

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interaction where the child is not present

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where you're able to say

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the child-centered model is that the child gets to be in charge.

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So please don't say anything. Please sit in the corner and remain quiet.

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If he engages you,

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you can do what he asks, but please do not ask questions. Please do.

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You're going to have to give her some coaching

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on what that looks like

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so that she can support and co-operate

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the work that you're doing

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rather than have it be detrimental.

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And as

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the time goes by and as you have more and more sessions, I mean, you know,

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two sessions in, of course, the child is scared to death, right?

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You're a stranger. It's a strange place. It's a strange thing.

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You know, what is this play room about? Why am I going to play with this person?

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I don't even know

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all of that is very overwhelming over time. Kids get used to it.

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There's predictability, there's consistency

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and they fall into their rhythm and their groove.

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But in a scenario like this, it's helpful to always remind a child,

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you know, that playrooms are only for kids. You really want mom to be back there.

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But you know that that's just a place for kids to play.

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And over time

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with that expectation set, kids are able to operate within that boundary.

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And the choice giving is the antidote to the fear.

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Because when you have highly anxious kids,

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they're grasping at a measure of control.

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So we give them control in the process of giving them choices

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and then they don't feel so powerless

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and then they don't feel that they have to fight so hard to stay with mom because

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they know that they've already chosen to have mom

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in there for a certain amount of time.

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So I hope that you'll find that helpful if you have any questions.

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If you have follow up, I'd love to hear from you brenna@thekidcounselor.com.

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And I would also love to hear from you if you have questions.

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So if you are in the States,

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you can call 813-812-5525 and leave me a message and

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then I can answer your question from the voicemail.

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You can also go to CCPT Collective

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and that's dot com, by the way, that's a website CCPTcollective.com.

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My husband's like,

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sometimes you don't say.com or sometimes you don't say CCPT

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and I don't think people know what you mean.

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And I'm like, OK, I'll be better about that. So

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that was for my husband

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CCPTcollective.com. Is where you can find out about our online group.

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We're just shy of 100 members now. So exciting.

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And it's a community. It's a discussion. It's live Q and A twice weekly with me.

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I would love to have you there. Please come check it out.

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We have people literally all over the world that have joined and what a fun,

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inspiring, exciting place to be.

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So, if you would like to check that out, we'd love to have you.

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I'm really grateful that you send me questions.

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I'm grateful that you send me emails. I'm grateful that you call in and

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you all are the most engaged, passionate

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invested, excited group that I have ever had.

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The privilege of interacting with working with spending time with. I

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really cannot. Thank you enough for how much this matters to you.

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You know how much this matters to me.

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I wouldn't be doing this if I wasn't passionate about child center play therapy,

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but my passion is bigger because of your passion.

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So thank you so much for pouring into this

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and caring about this so deeply and working to

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work on your skills and grow your ability and

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be the practitioners that you really want to be.

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It makes me so so happy every day to have you as a part of my life.

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So super grateful for each and every one of you. You know how much I love you.

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We'll talk again soon. Bye.

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Thank you. For listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr

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Brenna Hicks.

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For more episodes and resources,

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please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.

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