95. Dating with intention in our 20s

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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here. Back for another day, Back for another topic. Today we have a very special episode dedicated to dating with intention and finding meaningful connections in our twenties. Being single in our twenties can sometimes feel like an uphill battle or a bit of a minefield. Everywhere we look there is someone who comes with baggage or the commitment folk, or they're emotionally unavailable or just not the right fit. And I've noticed that it can cause us to become quite cynical and kind of shy away from meeting you people or dating at all. But many of us in this decade are still seeking companionship, and more than that, we're seeking partnership, and with that comes a more mature approach to dating and dating with intention. Dating with intention doesn't mean that every person you go on a date with has to be the one or that you need to be expecting an engagement ring within the first twelve months. It's more so that you've done the inner work and the inner healing to identify the people and the romantic connections that are going to serve you and make you a better person, and maybe that could lead to something bigger. It's an approach that I've adopted recently, and in the past, I've been really candid with you all before about my very fun and tumultuous dating history, from flings to year long situationships to engaging with people I knew weren't good for me, and quite honestly, it got to this stage that I just didn't have the energy to do that anymore. It was fun for a while, but I value my time and my emotional and mental wellbeing too much now to kind of entertain these kinds of relationships. So today I want to share with you how we can date with intention in our twenties. Psychology has a lot to say about this topic as always, and it recognizes that our twenties are at this very pivotal stage in our personal and relational development. A lot of the research that we encounter in this area emphasizes the importance of self awareness and establishing clear goals and values when entering the dating world, and it also articul relates that by understanding ourselves and our desires, we are better able to navigate relationships with greater purpose and authenticity. Studies have also suggested that I would say, in a generation and a modern day that is characterized by a very fast paced, very digital approach to dating using apps like Hinge and Tinder, making the conscious decision to date with intention can contribute to longer term relationship satisfaction and personal growth. It encourages us us in our twenties to really cultivate emotional intelligence and a willingness to engage in self reflection and to step beyond our comfort zone. Overall, all of the concepts, all of the articles, all of the research that I've come across, demonstrates the value of approaching dating in your twenties with intention because this is what lays groundwork for healthy relationship patterns and of course, personal fulfillment in the future. So today we're going to talk about it from the very practical ways that you can develop your own self awareness and self discipline to identify and know what's right for you. We're going to talk about understanding the motivations and intentions of others, meeting people organically, and maintaining your authenticity. I'm here for all of it. Without further ado, let's dive into how we can date with intention and form meaningful connections in our twenties. Dating is fun, It's meant to be fun, and in our twenties it can be particularly exciting. There's all these fish in the sea, as they say, so many options. But sometimes it can also be a challenging experience. I say it all the time, but this this decade is a profound period of self discovery, exploration, and often a time when we seek companionship and genuine connection. However, it's important to approach dating with intention, understanding our own desires and goals, and being mindful of the qualities that we seek in a partner. The truth is that our romantic relationships have a profound impact on our identity, our lives, our self concept and psychology acknowledges that our sense of self is shaped through interactions with others, and romantic partnerships play a significant role in this process. The emotional intimacy and the support offered can foster feelings of acceptance and belonging, which are of course crucial for a positive self concept. But when you're in the wrong relationship, when you're wasting your time with someone who doesn't actually care about you, or doesn't fill your cop up, who doesn't fulfill you, it's also going to carry potential for negative impacts. Difficulties or conflicts within a relationship can lead to self doubt. They can lead to insecurity and a distorted sense of self. There's also the fact that any relationship, but particularly ones with a romantic partner, are going to take up a large amount of time, and time is precious at any age, really, but especially in this era of our lives, when we really have all of these opportunities to go out and make mistakes, to explore the world. You don't want to feel tied down or held back by someone that you've chosen to be with. Essentially, that means that we want to make sure we're not investing in a relationship that is taking away from our identity and may inevitably just leave us drained and heartbroken. Sometimes that's unavoidable. Things don't work out for a period of reasons, but I think if you're like me, I've reached a point in my twenties, if not my life in general, whereby I've learnt the lessons that I needed to. I've done it. I've had the breakup experience, I've forced connections that weren't there, and I'm kind of done with the casual dating life. I do think there's a time and a place for that. You learn a lot about yourself, you learn what you like. But I now realize that dating is a time commitment, and it takes away energy from the other things that I care about and what I want to be invested in. And with that has come a commitment to dating with intention. And that doesn't mean that I'm giving up on the occasional casual date or even hookup. But it's about being able to recognize that chemistry is not the same as compatibility, and setting up healthy boundaries around what you expect from a partner and identifying when someone is bringing that to the table. So what does it mean to date with intention? Well, it involves being intentional about our actions and our choices when it comes to our romantic connections. It means taking the time to reflect on our own needs, our own desires and long term goals before entering into a relationship with our eyes closed. When we date with intention, we are more likely to attract partners who align with our values and share our aspirations. It's all around, I think a better deal for everyone involved. It respects the other person and not wasting their time. But it also shows that you respect yourself because you're not going to entertain something that may actually do more harm than good. So how can we implement this? There are four critical pillars that are the foundation for dating with intention. The first one is understanding your own values and your own goals. Secondly, setting healthy boundaries, a secret ingredient to all relationships, not just romantic. The third is being open to surprises and organic connections, and finally, maintaining realistic expectations and not getting anxious or desperate if it maybe takes you some time. I always say this, so I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record, but I would much rather be single until I'm in my late thirties or forties, then settle with someone that I'm not sure about at twenty five and find myself heartbroken ten years later. I think it's about reminding ourselves that good things take time. So let's start with how psychology can in form our values and goals around pursuing a romantic connection. There is, of course a lot of science, a lot of psychology that plays a crucial role in understanding our motivations and our behaviors in the dating realm. Research suggests that having clarity about our own values and goals is key to finding meaningful connections. In this study that was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers found that individuals who engage in self reflection and have a clear understanding of their values and life goals tend to make more intentional dating choices. And this makes a lot of sense, right, You need to know yourself before you're going to attempt to really know someone else, And we can implement this in a lot of ways. We can implement this understanding in a way that is going to make our dating life more fruitful. Few exercises that I personally did when I was thinking about intentional dating kind of testing the waters. The first one is around value assessment and clarification. How can we know that someone is right for us if we don't even know what we want or what we stand for. So value clarification helps us put in label on This helps us identify what these values, what these core principles that we hold really are. So I want you to sit down. I want you to go to Google right now and find a list of the one hundred most common values. These will be things like kindness, like learning, curiosity, optimism, loyalty, family, creativity, etc. Etc. And from those, I want you to pick twenty that most resonate with you. Then from that list, choose your top ten and then finally your top five. For me, these are creativity, independent, leadership, community, and generosity. These things are what define me and they are what contribute to my outlook on life, my personality, my identity, all of the good things. You need to align your dating behaviors with the values that you select. If you go on a first date with someone who doesn't value humor or generosity and you do, it's not going to work. And of course you don't need to be completely on the same page, because opposites attract and sometimes people can bring very individual parts and themselves to the table. But what level of compromise are you willing to accept? And is that a big enough compromise? That it's going to hurt you in the future. I'll give you an example here about someone I dated for around three months last year. Lovely guy, nothing but the best, but I remember on one of our early dates he was talking about how his ideal weekend is to literally not leave the house and just rest the entire time. That is not me. I like to be out and about. I'd like to be adventurous and I'm curious. That's something that I value. And by knowing this about myself, I knew pretty quickly, well three months in so obviously not that quickly, but I knew that it wasn't going to work out and that any more time I spent with this person would kind of be a waste. And yes, they gave me some amazing learning experiences, but that wasn't really what I was looking for. The second element of this is understanding your own goals and desires when it comes to dating, and I want you to be brutally honest with yourself here. If you are a massive monogamist, stop trying to force yourself into month long flings or situationships because you're trying to be with someone you're not meant to be with. Or you're trying to make them happy. If you know that you are someone who wants commitment, which I assume you are since you're listening to a podcast on dating with intention, then have that conversation early on. And if someone says that's not what they're looking for, believe them. Don't try and change their mind, don't try and change yourself to fit their requirements. Move on. There's this super common saying at the moment that if they wanted to, they would, But I saw someone the other day say something even better, if they don't want to, someone will practice an abundance mindset when it comes to dating. There are millions of potential partners in the world, and when you understand your own values and intentions, that means that when the right person comes along, you'll know and you won't need to compromise. Another important aspect of intentional dating, the second pillar, if you will, is setting healthy boundaries. This it means understanding and communicating your own limits and expectations when it comes to a relationship. This research that was published I think a couple of years ago, it suggested that setting and maintaining boundaries is associated with healthy relationships and increased relationship satisfaction. There's a quote I love, and that is that the most compassionate people have the strongest boundaries, and boundaries help us to define what is acceptable and what is not. They foster a healthy dynamic that is built on mutual respect and understanding, and it stops someone from crossing a boundary that maybe you haven't even articulated. It stops resentment, it stops you feeling uncomfortable, and it allows you to have more fruitful dates, have a more fruitful dating life, more fruitful relationships. In general, it comes down to communication. Whether you're single right now or in a relationship, the best connections are established on spoken and unspoken boundaries. Be clear with the people on your roster or who you are dating that there are certain things you are after and certain things that you expect, and it's their decision whether to live up to those or not. But you know what you deserve and make sure that they know that as well, and reciprocate that understanding for them. What do they want? What do they need that will allow you to see whether you are the right fit. I know this sounds really clinical and maybe strange to bring up, almost like a job interview. Which we never want. But it doesn't have to be like that. You can make this known on your dating profile or after a few dates. Just make them aware that you're looking for a relationship by subtly saying something like I'm not a huge fan of casual dating, or just straight up tell them bite the metaphorical bullet anything. Like I said before, it's actually super compassionate because you're not wasting any more of each other's time if it turns out that you're not on the same page, and that is okay. Boundaries keep us safe, and they allow us to feel respected and know when someone doesn't respect us. If you have certain guidelines or expectations in a relationship, if you want to spend four nights a week with someone, or if you don't like it when they text other people who are the same gender as you, or if you are expecting a little gift every now and again, the easiest way for that to be fulfilled is to just tell them. It comes down just to that, So something so simple. Just communicate what you're after. But a question I get a lot is how do we find those meaningful connections amidst the sea of potential partners? I think we often confuse dating with intention to dating in abundance and treating it like a job where your objective is to find the one. I've had friends who treat it this way. They go on five dates a week and they're almost screening people for compatibility, and the existence of dating apps makes that a lot easier. But I think what we're looking for when we talk about dating with intention is quality over quantity. And that brings me to my next major tip, which is to let life surprise you and be open to an organic connection, because you are genuinely never going to know what someone is like or if you have that compatibility until you actually meet them, And if you've already met then that kind of makes it even better. You know, there's nothing worse than your friend who swears off dating apps and tells you that they only meet people organically and that anyone who doesn't is too lazy or they're missing out. But I think I'm going to be that annoying friend today, So sorry. Dating apps they are convenient and they are fun, but you also never know who you're going to click with based on five photos and a quote about how they love Seinfeld or pineapple on pizza. And if you've done that before and you're done with the lack of authenticity that is inherent in dating apps, here are some tips on how to foster organic romantic connections. There has been tons of research that suggest that engaging in activities and communities that align with your interests and values can increase the likelihood of meeting like minded individuals, not just people that you might consider dating. Joining clubs, attending events, or pursuing hobbies, particularly those that are group based not only I think enriches our lives, but also creates opportunities for genuine connections to form beyond the realm of the dating apps. Studies in social psychology have also shown that similarity plays a significant role in attraction and relationship satisfaction. When we share similar values and interests with our partner, it fosters a sense of understanding and mutual support. So being open to discovering shared interests with a potential partner of romantic interest can be a great starting point for building a meaningful connection and maybe also a relationship. Part of that includes stepping out of your comfort zone. Our comfort zone is this psychological state where we feel safe and secure. It feels easy and convenient, but not much growth really happens there. My mum she has a saying that you can either feel comfortable or you can grow. And of course, at the moment we're talking about dating, but it really applies to everything. Stepping out of your comfort zone and accomplishing some new trying something new. It really boosts our self confidence and that attracts amazing people. When we're confident in ourselves, when we believe in ourselves and our capacity to handle challenges, when we're excited about life, all of that confidence spills over into other areas of our lives, positively impacting our relationships, our personal wellbeing, and also how we come across to other people. If your goal is to date intentionally and all of your past relationships have been duds, maybe it's worth doing something differently and seizing some new opportunities. Go to some art openings, say yes to that party where you don't know anyone, go on the blind date. What's the worst thing that can happen? Honestly, what's the worst thing that can happen? You have a bad date, it doesn't work out well, You've been through that before and I always say that it just makes for better stories, and isn't that what our twenties are about? Creating memories, even if they're terrible or embarrassing or awkward to look back on. It's also about adopting a what if mentality. In psychology, the what if mentality, it's kind of seen as a negative thing, and it refers to this kind of cognitive tendency to always think the worst case scenario is going to happen. So individuals with a strong what if mentality, they often ruminate on various scenarios and they dwell uncertainties. But I like to think about it differently and kind of flip this narrative to one that is positive and optimistic. What if it all works out? What if you meet an amazing new person. What if you have the best time. That's what dating with intention is all about, letting yourself be surprised and actually having fun with it. When we begin to put pressure on ourselves and think that dating with intention means that we'll find the love of our life straight away, I think we're only going to be disappointed. So that's what we're going to talk about in just a second. We naturally put a lot of pressure on ourselves when it comes to finding someone. Especially in our twenties, we can find ourselves constantly being bombarded with images and reels and pictures and stories about true love and soulmates, and we feel bad that we don't have that, and that it's because there's something wrong with us. Not only is that not true, but it can also interrupt our journey and our pursuit of intentional dating. When we get stressed, we begin to compromise on our values and our intentions, and we can become desperate. And I don't really like that word, but it's probably the best way to explain how we react when things aren't really going according to plan and when things aren't coming as easily as we thought they would. So lastly, it's essential to be patient and maintain realistic expectations. While stating can sometimes feel like a bit of an uphill battle or a rollercoaster ride, it's important to remember that building a meaningful connection takes time. Research published in the Journal of Positive Psychology my favorite I Love Positive Psychology, it suggests that having realistic expectations and taking baby steps in a relationship and during the initial months of dating contributes to long term relationship satisfaction that can be hard. Baby steps are hard, and I'm saying that from personal experience. Often we can get really carried away with the warm and fuzzy feelings and being admired or liked by someone that we forget to use that logical part of our brain and reflect on whether we want the same things, whether this is going in a direction that we would like it to. In those moments, let's go back to the very beginning. What are our values, what are we not willing to compromise on, and what is our goal here? If you're at the same stage as I am, I cannot do another four month relationship and look back and realize that all the red flags were actually there from like the third day. I just chose to ignore them because I was getting desperate and I got carried away. I think it's really important to be clear on those things before you even begin to start going on dates. In an intentional way, I want you to take ten minutes and write out a list that you can come back to when you feel like settling or selling yourself short, kind of like a non negotiable's list. I have my own list, I will say, and they kind of read almost like affirmations. Some of them are things like, I'm looking for someone who respects me. I am looking for someone I can grow with. I am not looking for a casual relationship. I am not willing to compromise on the exclusivity of my relationship. After three months have passed, your past self and your logical self is going to be a lot more wise than your smitten self, because when you are getting feelings for someone, all of that dopamine, all of that oxytocin, all of that serotonin is flooding your brain and interrupting the rational part of you that should be focused on those intentions that you've set from the beginning. You also need to show yourself some self compassion as well. It's okay if you've been on like one hundred shitty dates, or if you've been ghosted, or no one's wanting to commit or it just doesn't seem to be working out. The right person is going to come because you're fucking amazing. You're a catch and I know it gets said all the time, but anyone would be lucky to have you. If you're going to date intentionally, don't forget your self worth. And when you find yourself engaging in kind of that negative spiral or self pity, thinking it will never happen for you, and what happens if it doesn't. I think it's worth reminding ourselves that it is much better to be alone then in a relationship that doesn't elevate you. So it's important to be realistic, take the time to get to know someone, embrace the journey, lower your expectations, and just enjoy the process. When we have lower expectations for something, although it's really hard to do that, especially if you're someone who's very much a romantic like me, but we all those expectations are going to be exceeded, right. Low expectations means greater happiness when the good thing does arrive. I want to pause here and make a quick disclaimer about a misconception I see all the time about intentional dating. Taking this approach doesn't mean that all of your relationships from now on have to be pointed towards marriage or towards the idea of forever, or that you have to be one hundred and ten percent sure you want to marry this person before you even go on a first date with them. You can still have your one night stands if you want. You can kiss a few frogs. But at the end of the day, I think this approach is all about reminding yourself what you're after and having enough respect for your own wellbeing and your own ambitions and intentions to not compromise on your values and to not waste your time. It might seem callous to say that dating or casual dating is a waste of time, but it kind of is. I always think about it in the sense that we out, you know, twenty four hours that we have in the day that needs to be divided up over so many different activities, has to be divided into work, into hobbies, into family, into just looking after yourself, friendships, and then there's room for love. And if we invest in the wrong person, we're going to have to compromise on those other things and we're not going to get the benefits from doing that. I would much rather spend time with my friends at the moment than spend time with someone who doesn't really listen when I talk, or who is just kind of using me that just I haven't. I have too much self respect for myself at this point in my life to entertain that anymore. And yes, it's come from a lot of past experiences that have been hurtful, but I'm so grateful for that maturity that I now have. I know it's not for everyone, and I know there are heaps of other alternatives and approaches, and I applaud them. And maybe you did meet your partner from a one night stand or from a dating app, that's incredible. But for me that hasn't really worked out so far. Maybe in the future it will, but for now, I do want to be more conscientious with the people I led into my life, particularly in a romantic context. So that's where I stand. Little Rant concluded, Let's do a quick summary of what we talked about today. Today, of course, we discussed the concept of dating with intention and finding meaningful connections in our twenties. We explored those four main pillars of intentional dating, those being understanding your values, setting boundaries, allowing yourself the opportunity to meet people organically and lowering your expectations, and being realistic. We also talked about how it's kind of a journey of self discovery and and how we can stop ourselves from settling and choosing the wrong people. I know that our twenties are sold to us as this time of a lot of freedom and exploration, but you can still do that within the confines of an intentional and safe space for yourself. Romance is a big part of our lives, but we don't want it to overrule all the other amazing good things that we have going on. So I really hope that you enjoyed this episode. I really enjoyed it. This has been something on my mind for a long time, and I kind of felt like a little bit of a loser explaining this to my friends and being like, yeah, I'm done with casual sex, I'm done with situationships. But they were all so supportive, and I was like, maybe we need to share this on And I know it's kind of a common idea nowadays, but I am such a huge proponent. I hope you are too. If there is someone in your life who needs to hear this episode, you should share it with them. It might be a little bit on the nose, but maybe they'll get a kick out of it. As always, if you enjoyed today's episode, If you enjoy the show, please feel free to leave me a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now. Not only does it help me grow. But I read every single review. They really make my day, and I just want to thank you for all of the support and all of the kind words that you write and that you share. If you have an episode suggestion, if there's something going on in your life and you're looking for the psychological explanation, please follow me at that Psychology Podcast on Instagram and send me a suggestion for an episode. I love reading them, and sometimes I do them so you never know. I hope you have a lovely day wherever you are, and we will be back next week with another episode.