Dealing with Stress, Low Moods & Bad Days.

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Speaker 1: Hi. This is Laura Vanderkam. I'm a mother of four, an author, journalist, and speaker. And this is Sarah Hart Hunger. I'm a mother of three, practicing physician and blogger. On the side, we are two working parents who love our careers and our families. Welcome to best of both worlds. Here we talk about how real women manage work, family, and time for fun, from figuring out childcare to mapping out long term career goals. We want you to get the most out of life. Welcome to best of both worlds. This is Laura. This is episode one hundred and eighteen. Today we're going to be talking about dealing with stress, coping with bad days or bad weeks, which we all have from time to time. And just to introduce where this idea came from. A couple months ago, I'm Sarah elected to do a blogging streak where she was, you know, writing every day for a certain amount of time. And anyone who's blogged for a long period of time knows that there are certain days you are more likely to like censor yourself or not write because life has you know, not been the sort of thing that you would necessarily normally share with the world. But one of the reasons we all love Sarah's blog The Shoebox is because she is so wonderfully authentic and sharing her life and journey on it. So she wrote on a day when she would not have normally posted. So, Sarah, can you tell us about that and the aftermath? Oh my gosh, it sounds bigger than it was, but yes, I mean it was a fun experience. I don't know. I impulsively was like, I think, oh, blog every day in September, and then I did so. And it's absolutely true. There are certain days I am just much less likely to write. And I'm sure this applies to other people and other Instagrammers and all that kind of stuff, which means that most of the time, when people are putting out content, they're putting a smiley version of themselves out into the world where things are going well and they're checking off boxes and proud of their accomplishments. So, you know, I woke up one morning and I was feeling very overwhelmed and kind of like really touchy and math and I decided to kind of write a post about how I was feeling that day. I also kind of equated it to. You know, I am female, and I looked at the calendar and was like, ah, we are like exactly in the beginning of my luteal phase when I tend to and as a review to everyone, get our end of chronology lesson here. You know, your mental cycle starts on what we call like cycle day one, and that's your follicular phase, and then you have ovulation, which can vary in length, but most people are about two weeks in, some people a little longer, some people a little shorter. And then after ovulation comes your luteal phase, where progesterone is kind of the dominant hormone that your corpus ludium is producing. I find that like my moodiest, most touchiest moments correspond to when my progesterone will be on the high side, which actually fits very well with the fact that, like I find the first trimester of pregnancy very miserable, and it's the same hormonal component, although with a lot of other things going on as well, So I thought that was kind of interesting. I'm not sure i'd go so far. I can't decide if I really qualify for you know, pre menstrual dysport disorder, which is PMDD, which is an actual diagnosis, but I certainly would check off every box for PMS. So, I mean, there are just days when it feels like life sucks, and I don't think it's really that my life sucks. I mean, I know I have the perspective that it doesn't. But it's like you view everything through this lens and nothing is. It's hard to like soothe yourself. Yeah, ecause when the phrase on the pod was I hate everyone and everything, that phrase was like sadly echoing through my mind like that whole day, which is horrible. I mean, I don't really hate everyone and everything. I really don't, I promise, and I mean I certainly don't as I'm recording this right now, but that was that was kind of how I felt. And as a job where all I'm doing is like you know, working with everyone and everything. Yeah, it being a chemical you know, or hormonal hormonal sort of thing there. I mean, these have effects and it puts it's like you're viewing life through a lens. Yeah, but really that it's a darker lens than you would have on other times, and so it doesn't really matter that objectively, you know, everything is great, like it's there's something different there. Yes, do you have this too? Or is this just me? I don't know. I mean maybe I'm just not as good at tracking it as you are, you know, I not. I mean some people absolutely don't so, And I mean I think I mentioned this on the blog, like I really never had this as a younger adult, but I was. I was on hormonal birth control. Yeah that you know, you don't ovulate, so really it kind of makes sense that that I wouldn't have been facing this until my late thirties, which seems like a funny time to like learn what your hormones are doing. But that's actually kind of how it's panned out for me. Although we would like to stress here that this doesn't mean that, like, you know, with hormonal changes somehow, you know, women should not be like, you know, trusted with things like certain days of it like this is not And I did not, because I still saw many patients those days, and I think I still did a pretty good I just didn't enjoy the experience of providing that care perhaps the way I normally do. Yeah. I even wrote that I tend to overcompensate, which I think is actually not a terrible strategy like, you know what, if I'm just not in the mood, put on the I think I wore like a bright purple dress and I just like put on like the biggest smile I could, and was like, be extra polite because you know what, if someone makes you mad, you might fly off the handle. So if you like put on a little veil of like hi, you know, just completely over the time, it can. Yeah, which is I mean a great way to sort of cope with it. Like once you're aware of these things, you can compensate for them. But we certainly, I mean we heard from a ton of people, not just people would say me about it like this is you know clearly everyone goes goes through this sort of thing, and whether it's hormonal or not, Like we all have bad days, we all have stressful days. So it's, you know, something we have to deal with in order to maintain our full, busy lives and cope with it. And so we thought we'd do an episode on our strategies for coping with days that are stressful or you know you hate everyone and everything. Yes, because even I was able to get through it, and I definitely know that some things work better than others. Yeah, so I don't know, Laura, you want to start with some strategy, sure, well, I mean for me, running is seriously the best mood boosting strategy I have, and this is one of the reasons for my money running streak. Just running every single day may sound a little weird, but if you were like taking medication for boosting your mood, like you take it every day, so it's not that far off. This is just a way I've found to get the endorphins going. I inevitably feel better after running than I did before, and by doing it sort of proactively every day, I can keep my mood elevated in a way that I think would be difficult to do without that. Yeah. My counter, my corollary to that is like, if you do run every day, I don't know if it like, where's it like, Because I'm a very you know, I think I had run that day, or at least I had worked out. I think I actually had run. So sometimes maybe for bodies used to that, or maybe maybe you're like your normal is higher than the average normal, like who knows. But and also I can't really run in the middle of the day, so it's very difficult for me to do that. So maybe if I gotten a nice sunshine run or something. But I think I ran at like, you know, five point fifty in the morning that morning, and it was hot as it usually is, and I think I was just as mad at the run and after the run run everything else. So I guess your mileage maybury. And sorry for that horrible pun because I think I mean to make it. Yeah, yeah, but it is something worth trying. I mean, so if you are in a position where you can get some exercise, like go do it. And if you're at work, if it's possible to say, take a twenty minute break and go for a brisk walk outside, if you have some comfortable shoes, you know, fresh air as a known mood bister, physical activity as a known mood bister. It may be also just getting you away from somebody who, in your process of hating everybody and everything, is really triggering you. That then that twenty minute break could be a much better use of time than say cleaning out your inbox. So that definitely work worth taking. A I call it a smoke break without the cigarette, right that that's one reason people would go outside and smoke a cigarette as a booster your mood as well, but to do it without doing something that is long term going to harm your health. So reading something non demanding. I mean I always like kind of you know, humor, or a book that's like nonfiction on a topic I really enjoy reading about, but it's a bit more candy ish, it's not difficult. Celebrities, yeah, you know, magazine articles like if there's one I've saved, Like, there's certain magazines I enjoy paging through. I'll try to read those on a day when I'm not feeling so great. Making progress on some small project. I mean some days it's like, well, the world is actively throwing stuff against you. Other days it just feels like you're being non productive, like you're spinning your wheels, and that can be very challenging too. But by making progress on some small project, whatever it is, you can feel like, oh, yeah, I do have the power to move things forward in my life. And I mean you can kind of invent the project. I mean, you could like go through your junk drawer. I actually I think that decluttering is like a little mini high. So I feel like I'm going to try this. I'm like, oh, I'm going to go home and clean out my stationary area or something like I don't know, I like that. Yeah, if you have somebody you enjoy talking to that you find energizing. Maybe if you hate everyone and everything, that's not quite going to happen. But if you don't hate absolutely everyone, there's like a small subset of people in the universe that you would wish to speak to. Certainly calling one of them or arranging to get together with one of them is smart. Yes, yeah, I wasn't necessarily in the mood for that, but even a phone call or something could be good too. Or but even like a text, like a bunch of like I have some friends that like I feel like they may hear my cry and be like are you okay? And then initially I might not want to engage, but then once you do, you find that it actually has more benefits than you thought. Another thing you can do, is, of course, ask for help if there is you know, you're you're dealing with screaming children on top of a stressful work situation, asking somebody to come, you know, getting a babysitter, asking existing childcare to stay later if that's an option, you know, and then finally doing something to solve the problems. I mean, sometimes when we have bad days, our irritants are totally inconsequential, but not always, and sometimes the things that have kind of long term been brewing will serve fists on these days when we are upset. And so if there's something you really don't want to do, figure out if there's a way you don't have to do it. You know, the standard levers of ignoring minimizing outsourcing. And one of the reasons we wound up getting evening childcare a couple of years ago for during the week is that I was really really ticked off over and over again about having to stop my work day, deal with everybody, deal with all the driving, deal with the dinner, deal with any of the emotional stuff on my own, and you know, saying well, why isn't my husband here? And the thing is sometimes he would be there, but I would completely discount those days because I was like, because it was unreliable, and it was reliable, and you were dreading the theory of it as much as you were dreading. So I was like, well, you know, let's just have this and that way I don't have to make dinner when I have a work project I would like to work on this way, you know, I don't have to be the only person driving if there's something I'm also focusing on finishing, and just you know, having the extra set of hands has been very helpful. And so you know, again he is here some of the time, but it's just it wasn't as reliable as I would want. And so yeah, that was definitely a major help in that regard. I feel like it's funny our strategy to like do something to fix it or just don't do it at all or don't know about doesn't even be doing two sides of the same coin to figure out what's actually essential to be done. Yeah, yeah, I mean, and one of we've been talking about trying to figure out how to reconfigure bedrooms and such in our house, and I was thinking about how we would do this, and one option had been finishing the attic because we actually have a fairly large attic that has a legal staircase. So that was certainly an option, but it's not an easy option. There would have been more contractors around, and you know, as our listeners that I've been recording from my Regius office, like over and over again with this podcast because there'd be some random person out banging on a door, banging on a deck, or bang in the kitchen. I'm like, I'm done with it. I'm done with it. I don't want any more projects, So we will not be doing the attic project. I'm pretty sure. So does this mean you're going to move instead? No, because that doesn't I mean, that doesn't solve the problem either. That's still work, that's still logistically troubling as well. Yeah, no, there's it turns out. I well, I walked around the house, and I realized that the basement, the finished partionis of the basement, could be converted to bedrooms far more easily than the attic, which would have to be finished. So really all we have to do is put in another door possibly closet to update certain things like smoke alarms. But there's means of egresses already in the basement where they would need to be. So so that's actually like a little is there like a little light that comes from like the top part that's what I had in my childhood basement. Is there like a little bit of light or no, well, it's there's windows like a walk out basement. Oh yeah, and in fact, yes, that's the obvious answer. That's the obvious answer. To turn that into all we have to do is put in a little bit more configuration. I mean, if they have that many bedrooms, they don't need dedicated play s base because they can always play in different bedrooms. No, that's totally the answer. Yeah, so easier, much easier. But you know, partly because I was feeling so ticked off about this idea of super We're like, wait another to do that, I have to do this. That's also I think this will wind up working out all right, Sarah, So what do you do well? I mean, along the do something lines, I think one of the things that was also bothering me is I, you know, I have a very detailed system for sort of keeping all of my to do items in line and not getting behind on any of them, and I had sort of just let it all pile up, and I know that the idea of what might have been in that pile was really like nagging on me. So my get it done was like one morning. I think it was like the Monday morning. I was like, I'm just going to get up at four, not run and organize this crap for two and a half hours, and it actually was like incredibly cleansing, even though that's boring. So we're going to take a quick break in a moment. I'm going to share more of my strategies in just a couple of minutes. Listeners, are you struggling to sleep these days? You're not alone. One in three US adults doesn't get enough sleep, and if you're not sleeping enough, it can affect your cognitive functions during the day, like learning, problem solving and decision making. 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It actually did make me feel a lot better, but maybe on kind of the more I don't know, more superficial or enjoyable side. You know, sometimes superficial things are helpful. So I put a lot of Sephora items into my shopping cart this morning. I wasn't actually in a terrible mood this morning, but you know, knowing that you have like a little slush fund for purely indulgent things as long as you're doing so responsibly, because overspending probably would have added to my mood and a lot of you know, self loathing that's attached to that, which actually is not something I have an issue with because I love having an allowance and I stick to my allowance. But I guess what I'm saying is, if you do have an allowance, then maybe it is a nice time to treat yourself and maybe treat yourself to things that superficially make you feel better, like a sheet mask. A sheet mask, I don't think I've ever used a sheet mask. Maybe I should get into it. They're kind of nice. You will have to warn your husband and or children because if you have one on and then they walk into the room, it was like, yeah, like a horror from the horm. So so you have to be careful with how you use your sheet mask. But actually, to me, the nice thing about a sheet mask is you're like, no one's gonna really bother you. When you're wearing it. You can just read like it's like your own time, and then you somehow feel like you're doing some sort of like cheesy, stereotypical self care, but it actually just feels kind of nice. So sheet mask, chat mask. Yeah. I like to journal, so I do that. That definitely helps me, whether it's in public on the blog. I mean I don't normally do that when I'm in a mood, but just even just to write out a list of things that are bugging me or you know, that kind of a thing, and then I think there's something to be said sometimes to just like put on your amy man, get a glass of wine and just like enjoy the pain. Wallow in it. Wallow, just wallow in it and sing and like it's okay, and then maybe tell yourself that like this is the night we're doing that, and then we're going to move on, because our life objectively is quite lovely and there's really not that much that we need to be wallowing about, but just allowing yourself that space to do it if it feels right. And then you actually like to plan some for a future future sometimes so I think, and I think this can be a dangerous one, like like the spending, Like you can go overboard with any of these, and I think some people tend to overproject into the future, you know, when things aren't going wonderfully to like I think someone said recently they spent like hours planning like the next summer like a year from them, Like what were they doing? Right? But I was just feeling like, you know what, as we talked about the summer vacation wasn't quite as rejuvenating as we thought. And then Josh and I never got that couple's weekend. I was like, you know what, I have PTO time. Why am I not using this PTO time? Like I'm not saving it for something? So I just looked and I was like, I can take these three days off in October and have like you know, you know, I'd still get to see the kids, they'll go to school, I'll have the nanny I'll have some time to myself and just knowing that that like space is then set up for me. Uh, It's definitely is a nice feeling, yeah, trying to arrange a little bit of a break. And sometimes when I'm feeling kind of crummy, I'll specifically be like, well, you know, by the way you work for yourself, Laura, like you can leave, you don't have to chain yourself to your desk, and if an afternoon is open, you know, go for a bike ride, go for a walk, go to a museum, go to a coffee shop, you know, the library, but something just to change locations, have a little adventure in the middle of the day. It's my equivalent of PTO. I mean, I'm not getting paid for it. I'm not doing anything. But maybe there's there's passing income that you still one hundred percent need that and that's so interesting that. Yeah, I mean I think that people forget they can take PTO too, and that not all PTO necessarily has to be scheduled a million weeks in advance. Either, you could you could just be on Thursday be like, you know what, I don't want to go to work tomorrow. And if you don't have any terrible pressing meetings then you know, like hockey a lot, what is with with with medicine is very If you have patient scheduled, you can't do that. So it really does have to be something where you're not letting other people down. And that is one of the reasons I love having a partially more flexible part of my schedule. But yeah, that the days you would be doing more of the management stuff are the days that are correct jammy time. Although it is it is amazing how quickly meetings can fill things up. But meetings I don't feel as bad about moving compared to patient appointment. Yeah, yeah, you don't like to move those of course I do not touch. Yeah, so yeah, No, figuring out a way to take a little bit of a break can definitely go a long way. Well, I think we should do our our Q and A is very related, and we do that Q and A we go back to our love of the week. Should we should we go out of order today? I mean, I think when it's just us, don't we often do the Q and A before the love of the week? Good point? Okay, ore Q and A? All right? Do you yeah? You so go ahead? Yeah, So like I said, I, I mean I was getting emails About's post, which is always just funny. But this listener wrote in that she read Sarah's post about her bad day and says, I personally go through this phase and life is very hard for that week. So then again, this is somebody who's also tracked her cycles and realized that she has a very strong hormonal component to it. She says, I feel like I can't compete at the same level as my male colleagues at work. Ooh interesting. She says, you always seem very positive and on top of things. I would like to understand if only very few women face this issue, and do they get treatment to manage their work. If you are not taking treatment, how do they manage this at work and get ahead with their careers once once once a month, I think she means they are not performing as well. It would be great if you could do a podcast on this topic. Well, first, I mean, I want to say I don't think I c seed Sarah on my response, I say, I would not view this. It's like I'm not as productive as my male colleagues that week. I think you're probably, you know, way more productive than them. Three out of four weeks and maybe one week, you're sort of similar to them. Right, Let's view it as that because again, this whole topic is we really have to strike a balance here because well, and the problem and the reason you say that and I agree, is that women tend to men on average. Again, of course there's outletters. Men tend to overestimate their confidence and contributions and women tend to underestimate. So we have to be very careful when a woman is saying, oh, I just you know, well, and I hate for someone listening to this to be like, yo, yeah, that's why you can't like trust women with the nuclear codes or something, because like once a month they'll fly off the handle. It's like, well, okay, but men could do it any day, right, Like that's it's even probably yes, people who are over confident and less competent, whereas having some actual sense of when there is changes there. And Sarah could that men aren't the exact same all the time either. I mean, there are different moods. It's not like men have the same but I don't think there's a monthly not a monthly to it. But but it could totally be that somebody is you know, different a mascinating hormonal changes that men have after their their wives give birth. Actually, yeah, so like if it's not like men are the default where it's all normal and even keeled and everything, that is not the case at all, and men are men are very prone to well, androgen is a is a rather. I mean, well, when I treat patients with systosterone, I warned them about possible increased irritability. So we'll just believe it at that. So, yes, let's let's put that out there. We are not saying it anyway, And I think this this listener can hopefully keep that in mind that yeah, she's she's probably you know, one hundred percent competent and maybe like ninety nine point nine, and she may notice the difference from week to week and that's okay, but but it's probably nobody else is, right, right, Yeah, correct? So that that was my first answer. Now, Sarah, you can answer yours. Yeah. I mean, well, that's I think a big part of it is also recognizing like who cares in a way, right, I mean, it matters what we do overall. It doesn't matter if one week our performance relative to ourselves isn't as good. It matters what you're accomplishing long term, are you moving forward on your goals orre you getting projects done? So I think, like, you know, really thinking that incrementally, that's going to affect you. You've got to try to move past that cause it's really unlike unrealistic. I think that if it does make you feel better to do a little bit more self care that week, then great. Make that your week of kind of replenishment. Pare down to the essential, like don't start extra projects if you don't have to, maybe pay extra attention to your sleep, to your diet, to your workouts, make sure you're doing you know, for me, those sort of other things impact my performance at work. Every bit is much or more than you know, what my hormones are doing in any given day. It's like did I sleep well the night before, did I have a healthy lunch versus some like carb explosion that made me want to take a nap at my desk. You know, these things definitely matter, so try to optimize those. And you know, remind yourself that everybody, male or female has more and less productive weeks. And again, your your accomplishments as a whole are what matter. And if there are things that just you're not in the mood and are incredibly distasteful that can be moved in the next week, do it. Maybe focus on some of the softer aspects of your job, like you know, watching that required webinar, catching up on some literature in your field during the week that you're not feeling maybe as to be as aggressive in the board room or to move forward on a project. That's my thought. Yeah, And obviously if somebody is really finding themselves having trouble functioning, there is medical help that can be sought, oh one hundred percent. And many people wrote in on my blog about you know, benefit and I got emails and stuff about benefits of people have found with different types of therapy for different types of medicines and both Some obeds can treat this, and some psychiatrists can treat this, and you can also do like non medicinal therapy. So there are you know, many avenues you can go for help with this. In fact, even maybe one of our sponsors, yes, exactly, So, yeah, there are lots of levers you can push. You know, a lot of people either decide that Okay, I know this and therefore I'm going to be extra indulgent on the self care during certain times when it's more important for me to be doing so and be gentle with myself during this time. If it's something that's really bothering you, then it's obviously worth seeking out other solutions that might help in the long term. So all right, our love of the week, Well, mine is I've been sort of splitting my reading and I just like my ritual of morning reading of sort of non fiction personal developmental stuff, and I just really I think I've found my answer to other people that read scriptures or do meditation, Like I think, I really just like a nice nonfiction soothing voice in my in my I don't know, inner ear in the morning. Yeah, well, this is great. I love that people have you have this built in you know, personal development help selve self help books. That's great exactly. So everyone should do what I say and start with all of Laura Vandercamp's Kennill Ass you'll read that for ten to fifteen minutes every morning. That'd be great, I think, I know, actually, don't joke, that would be I think reading like I know how she does it for fifteen minutes in the morning. Oh my gosh, especially when you're like coming back to work after maternity leave, or something that would be kind of like, yeah, pump you up, fire you up for the day, or listen to Before Breakfast with my other podcast, that'll fire you up for the morning. So my love of the week is learning to be okay with reading in spurts between kid bedtimes at night. We had other episodes on evening routines with little kids and with bigger kids as well. You know, I like to read at night. The problem is it's chopped up. And because of this, I have a tendency to tell myself the story of like, well, I've only got you know, fifteen minutes till the next child needs to go down, or twenty minutes until the next kid needs lights off, And so I shouldn't be reading a book. I'll just you know, scroll around on my phone. But that's really wasting time, whereas you can read a reasonable amount fifteen to twenty minutes. And yeah, maybe I would love to have three uninterrupted hours, but that's probably unrealistic. So let me do fifteen minutes, go turn somebody's light off. Do another twenty minutes, go turn somebody else's light off. Do another fifteen minutes, go turn somebody else's light off, and so on it goes, and turn my own light off. And then before you've got you've read one hundred pages, right, one hundred pagels, right, you know, and you make a lot of progress that way. Well this is Yeah, this has been best of both worlds. I hope we've given you some ideas on how to cope with stress and negative thoughts and bad days in general. We allways would love to hear from you about how you cope. You can, of course write us, You can email me. I have a couple addresses, probably the easiest one to remember is Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. Of course you can post on our blogs Laura vandercam dot com or the shoe Box the s h u box dot com, our Instagram Best of both worlds podcasts, right, yeah, well we are both active on there and we can always submit questions that way too. By the way, you can send them via direct message. I've gotten a lot of that. I will respond and usually I keep the screenshot to save so I can don't lose them for a future episode. Yeah, awesome, All right, Well this has been best in both worlds and We'll be back next week with more on making work in life fit together. Thanks for listening. You can find me Sarah at the shoebox dot com or at the Underscore Shoebox on Instagram, and you can find me Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. This has been the best of both worlds podcasts. Please join us next time for more on making work and life work together.