Are You a Bad Person... or Did You Do a Bad Thing?

00:00:01
Speaker 1: Hi Amber, Hilelah, Welcome to an Unlikely Affair.

00:00:08
Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to another episode of an Unlikely Affair. I'm here with I don't even know what to say.

00:00:15
Speaker 1: It's so funny.

00:00:15
Speaker 2: I'm looking at you. You look beautiful, though, Hella Kent, good morning, Good morning morning.

00:00:21
Speaker 1: Do not even act like we didn't just get on this zoom and you go. Are you in the same outfit from the airport? You are okay? But it give me a chance to explain very quickly, because I'm not a sick fuck I promise you.

00:00:35
Speaker 2: The floor is yours.

00:00:35
Speaker 1: Go ahead. Ocean constantly battles me when it comes to getting dressed in the morning, and all she ever wants to wear is a plaid skirt and a striped tank top with a headband, and I'm so over it and I'm like, it cannot happen again today. So in the midst of battling her, the clock keeps getting closer and closer to you need to leave the fucking house to beat traffic to get to the school. I get her hair done. We have no time left. I grabbed the first thing I saw, which was this outfit in the dirty clothes and put it on, and I will be changing after this and bathing. I promise you know who I am. I'm not a filthy fuck, but today it's survival.

00:01:22
Speaker 2: Now, you know what. I know you're not a filthy fuck because let me tell you something. You love taking bass like I do.

00:01:28
Speaker 1: I know, I know well. And the thing about baths amber is a lot of people are weird about them, but I feel like I bathed so often that it's fine. It's fine, you know, no, I.

00:01:41
Speaker 2: Love I love bass. You can't. This house in Montana doesn't have a bathtub. Actually, I've noticed a lot of houses in Montana they don't have bathtubs, and it is so it's like the number one rule. And I didn't even think about it. I was so desperate to find a house because I had looked everywhere, and it just so happened that this one has a shower bath and that grosses me out so badly. So that means that I would have to, like I would have to like clean it, and it's like a whole thing. So like going to Vegas and having a bath and then like going to others, it's like a real treat.

00:02:15
Speaker 1: So yeah, I did miss you a lot. Last night. I couldn't sleep.

00:02:18
Speaker 2: Really, I missed you too. Yeah.

00:02:22
Speaker 1: I went down and got Ocean out of her bed and put her in mine.

00:02:25
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh. I told Riley she was getting she was brushing her teeth, and I said, you're sleeping with me tonight, and London was like, geeze, mom, and I said, Riley goes, it's non negotiable. I'm not even going to fight it. I literally made Riley sleep with me. And I think I just needed that. I didn't want to sleep on myself. I didn't want to sleep on myself.

00:02:45
Speaker 1: I didn't either. I kept waking up with a pit in my stomach for some weird reason, and then looking at her and grabbing her and just like I needed to like feel my baby next.

00:02:55
Speaker 2: You know what's great at that that age is that they don't resist it. As they get older and you try to snuggle with them, it's like I get a freaking elbow, I get kicked like it's not pretty, So.

00:03:06
Speaker 1: Oh, I better not take an elbow to my brand new tatas. And then we got a real problem.

00:03:11
Speaker 2: Get the fuck out of the bed. But I'm sure Ocean still sleeps where she does. Like the turning or no? Is she pretty straightforward?

00:03:21
Speaker 1: She's pretty you.

00:03:22
Speaker 2: Mean, like literally, you know when when kids are little they we least my kids did this. They like turn, they don't stay in one position. Next like you have a foot in the mouth, and then the their heads at the end of the bed, and then their sideways and then they're falling. I'll never forget I had a kid fall off the bed at one point. Like they're all they're like disoriented or something.

00:03:43
Speaker 1: Your kids were wild in the bed because I remember there were a money night that I would sleep in my bed with London and Riley. We do like little face masks or whatever, and they were wild. Mm hmmm yeah, all right, Well maybe it's a genetic thing.

00:03:58
Speaker 2: I have no idea.

00:03:59
Speaker 1: It depends on the night. Ocean. Last night was zonked, but yes, that happens. Kids are wild in the bed. Not fun. Last night we were all good.

00:04:09
Speaker 2: I'll take it okay.

00:04:10
Speaker 1: Today I want to talk about affairs in the workplace because of something that had just come out about I don't know if you heard about this, but the New England Patriots the head coach who was spotted with a reporter.

00:04:23
Speaker 2: Mm hmmm hm. I have a few thoughts.

00:04:28
Speaker 1: I'm just I want to trust men, Amber, I really want to trust them.

00:04:35
Speaker 2: So do I want to trust humans not just men? Because let me tell you something, people catch feelings no matter where you go, and the workplace happens to be one place where you're really seen, You're collaborating, you have failures, you have comebacks, you like, there's so many different emotions, especially when you're not like a high stake running a company doing whatever you're doing. Right, I did my little research. This woman sounded like a piece of shit when it comes to her husband, Like she was not like the things that she was saying on air about her husband was not okay.

00:05:12
Speaker 1: Before this even happened, I.

00:05:14
Speaker 2: Think, yes, yes, yes, yeah, before they were even caught.

00:05:17
Speaker 1: So basically, it's the head coach of the Patriots Rebel and Diana Rassini. And Diana has resigned from her position and she worked for the athletic the sports journalism department of the New York Times, And I mean, I would say that those are pretty prestigious titles to be holding in your career as a journalist. Sports journalist. Mike the coach has yet to resign, so let's touch on her first, because you said that she's like a real piece of shit. Just what she was saying.

00:05:56
Speaker 2: Yeah, in my opinion, it was she was talking about her her husband, who, by the way, I don't know the guy seems like a nice guy. She she coined him as I think basic or general.

00:06:08
Speaker 1: What was it?

00:06:08
Speaker 2: Oh? She said, she said, I'm married to someone very average. And it was like such an insult, Like, how do you mean? I think if I were to guess, she was saying, he's not someone of importance, like he has a normal job, comes from a normal family. But it was just not kind and I found it was very disrespectful to their marriage to go online and be like yeah. And then there was another video where she was like, oh, my husband, you don't even want to know what I was doing in Miami. She's like, well, no, no, no, not like that, but like the type of partying I was doing, Like why would you, like, why would you why would you even say that? Like this guy needs to leave her, he needs to go find someone who respects him. Listen, I don't know what happens behind closed doors, but just the words that were coming out of her mouth were disgusting to me.

00:07:00
Speaker 1: That's the other thing is I always wonder where your mind has to be to go behind your person's back and start an affair. And if you don't even like the person you're with, why do you stay? I just I cannot, for the life of me, wrap my mind around that. I get it, like things happen and people catch feelings, and like you said, when you're in the workplace and you're experiencing big wins together or a tough day, that person is there to kind of like be your partner in crime. But I just I don't get it. I don't think I could do it.

00:07:44
Speaker 2: I think it starts with an emotional fair right. It starts with like like you were talking about the big wins, the losses, the like how are we going to solve this problem together? It's proximity. It's a lack of boundaries. I think people don't have any boundaries and they're so they're so ambiguous, the boundaries that people have in their personal lives, in their personal relationships as well as romantic and professional. I just don't feel like people know how to pause. Like I always talk about the pause and say, like, Okay, what is this feeling that's coming up? Because listen I'm an actor. I've been on set. I was when I was married. I had sex scenes, I had romantic scenes, I was making like we But never once did I think, okay, I'm going to take this back to the trailer like that. Never once I came into my mind. It's because I I just I didn't. It just never crossed my mind. Did I think a co star was fucking hot? Of course I did, But like I would never jeopardize my family even if I wasn't in a good position, like I would question myself in these feelings like Okay, wait, I feel like I'm really being like I really am attracted to this person, right yeah? Or there's something about this person that makes me feel really good. Okay, what is that feeling?

00:09:09
Speaker 1: Like?

00:09:10
Speaker 2: Am I being seen? Do I feel more seen here than I do in my personal life? Okay? Well, what am I going to do about those feelings? I'm going to go back to my husband or my partner and say, can we talk about something. I'm not going to bring up what happened at work or the feelings that I was having, but like I'm going to sit there, look back and like reevaluate my relationship and what I feel like I'm missing and what tank is not being filled up at totally.

00:09:33
Speaker 1: Oh, I love what you just said. I also think that you and I are the type of people where when when you and I start building building something with someone building the foundation, right, I hold on to that. I don't forget it easily. So when I'm out in the world and let's say I see someone who's good looking, it goes so far beyond that that it's like, Okay, you're good looking, but there's nothing there that would make me want to like get naked with you because I'm holding on to something that I've built that's sturdy with this other person. So, like you said, it could be where maybe the foundation is fractured and that's when things kind of get scary. But like you said, having the conversation, I also think with this Diana person, the journalist, I think this guy is a shiny object for her. She's in sports journalism. And the guy who is the head coach of the New England Patriots, the team that Tom Brady used to play for, the team that was in the Super Bowl, he's paying attention to me. I think people get cloudy. So allegedly they were vacationing together in Sedona, Arizona.

00:10:57
Speaker 2: By the way, if I'm having an affair, which I never would, but if I would, I would be going to Sedona, Arizona.

00:11:03
Speaker 1: If I know anything about dabbling in the sports world, I know that training camp players had to start showing up, right. There's been a lot going on, a lot of trading happening, a lot of uh uh, you know, people being re signed that may have been free agents, like both of them. They didn't have time to affair outside of the country. They got to be boots on the ground right here in the United States. So Sedona maybe they thought no one would be there because it's kind of sleepy town. People go to like retreat and enjoy, like the Vortex, you know, that's the whole thing.

00:11:40
Speaker 2: Watch they're gonna come out and move on the Vortex. We went to the vortex, right, That is what they just couldn't resist. It just brought us together. The thing that bothers me the most is that she has resigned from her positions. He's still rocking it. And I know that she says mean things about her husband, But.

00:12:14
Speaker 1: Does that bother you at all? Because I feel like the men, I mean even in my situation, I caught a lot of freaking heat and homeboy just kind of went about his business. And here we are talking about how she was a piece of shit in her marriage. We haven't even touched on what a piece of shit he is. I know.

00:12:33
Speaker 2: I think that. Again, I've never been in this position, and I don't know the repercussions or what's going on behind the scenes, but I think when you resign from your position, you're automatically saying I'm guilty of something she is.

00:12:46
Speaker 1: We see the photos. He didn't resign. He's business as usual. And I'm sure because he's got cash and again status, that's hard for a woman to leave. So his wife, I'm sure they're going to work through it. And this other woman, Diana, you know, her life is forever shifted.

00:13:06
Speaker 2: I don't know why. I just have a feeling this is not the first time he's cheated. That's my gut intuition.

00:13:11
Speaker 1: No, let me tell you something. You're taking the mistress on vacations. You're a one trick pony. You've done it a lot of times.

00:13:20
Speaker 2: Of course, of course, I just hope his wife doesn't have a prenup because you know, I just want her to live a good life. Now, if he's going to be a piece of shit and go have an affair with someone at work, just let her live. There's eight million people in the world. I promise her. Listen, she's going to be okay, She's just going to be like you know, she's going to live a good life. Fuck him. Sorry, I'm in a really spicy mood this morning.

00:13:47
Speaker 1: I love when you get spicy. I'm kind of there too. I'm kind of in that mood too.

00:13:52
Speaker 2: I just can't She's gross. He's gross. Everyone in this situation is gross, Like just no respect.

00:13:59
Speaker 1: And I get that it in the workplace, but is it really I mean, this girl's not fucking in the locker rooms every day. It doesn't work for the Patriots. No, She's covering multiple different sports teams, whether it's basketball or football. Like, how did this come to be? Do you think it was the DM Do you think they have Instagram? I bet they've deactivated them now. But let me tell you, Instagram makes people very accessible. I should know.

00:14:29
Speaker 2: Hmmm, I should know.

00:14:33
Speaker 1: Mm hmm.

00:14:34
Speaker 2: You could do. You could find out a lot of information by really diving into someone's Instagram.

00:14:38
Speaker 1: Oh that's where all the bodies are buried a hundred. You can turn on the little like the disappearing thing, which I didn't know was a thing until I.

00:14:50
Speaker 2: Accidentally always do that and it makes me crazy. They should have a toggle for that.

00:14:54
Speaker 1: Yeah, not just like the swipe up the big like the giant swipe. You know who else made it? Stupid decision though. During their affair was that jumbo tron couple, Oh my gosh, which by the way, I looked it up because she did an interview and I think it was with Oprah. She did a big interview and that was during that Coldplay concert in twenty twenty five. Everyone knows this. He was the CEO, she was. This is what I love the most. She was head of HR. People were getting away with murder in that company. She's like, you can do whatever you want. I'm fucking the CEO right now.

00:15:39
Speaker 2: Honestly, it's this scares me. This really does help me because I swear every day that goes by, I never want to get into a relationship again. And I'm like, I'm I'm out there, I'm single, I'm on Rayah. You're you're teaching me how to like slide into people's DMS, which is like terrifying, terrifying.

00:16:03
Speaker 1: You can't.

00:16:03
Speaker 2: I don't know how you trust someone. How do you trust someone?

00:16:06
Speaker 1: It's very hard? And can I tell you? I mean, you saw you and I in Vegas with whatever situation. We were like looking at text messages and what was said and it's like, oh, that's flag And like when we called him, he was like what alert is going on?

00:16:25
Speaker 2: He was alert?

00:16:27
Speaker 1: He was like, read your last message. You did this, and we did do that. We did take him to that place, didn't we? Poor guy?

00:16:36
Speaker 2: Maybe I just I don't know. Maybe I'm just like, no, I don't want to say damage. That's not like the right because I know I'm not damaged. I've done so much fucking work to be on a podcast and say that I've damaged it really does. I just don't know. It's going to take a lot of convincing. Something happened to me in the last three months. I think I just prayed to God and said like I don't ever want, I don't want. I think I prayed it away. That's what happened.

00:17:05
Speaker 1: That's a real thing, all right, But what did you pray away?

00:17:09
Speaker 2: I just didn't want that feeling like Oh my gosh, I really want a relationship, you know, the desire. I think I prayed away the desire for a relationship because it was too it's too it's too much. There's too much. Like my trust has gone down so much, And that's really interesting. You're figuring something out about myself.

00:17:31
Speaker 1: How do you?

00:17:31
Speaker 2: How do you trust someone again?

00:17:33
Speaker 1: Well, that's what's so hard is then you're putting it into a position where someone does allow you to put your guard down, but then there's no winning for them because one wrong move. It's almost like there's no room for mistakes. That's what That's the position I'm in right now is I've noticed that one wrong move and you're going to make me feel unsafe and like I can't trust you, and I have to I have to really think about it and go, Okay, if you're really talking about a relationship and it being a foreverthing, there are gonna be times where your partner disappoints you, leaves you sad. And the whole point is that you work through those things and the foundation becomes so strong and the communication is so strong that each time you get you get stronger and you learn something about each other. But I'm right there with you Amber the moment I feel I can I trust somebody. It's kind of a lose lose situation for both of us because it's like, I trust you the moment you do something that maybe you don't even realize it can throw me for a fucking loop and go Wallas back up, never again.

00:18:46
Speaker 2: Okay, So I think this is what we have to do. In my head, I see like a scale of one to ten. When something comes up for us, I think we need a question. Is this a ten? Like a ten would be infidelity, cheating, lying? Right, something that is that is like like kind of brings up old wounds where you're like, dude, this is or a red flag that's just you can't ignore, right, And then a one, so you have this like sliding. You have a scale, so we have to say, like, okay, what happened? Is this like a three? And how fast can we recover? Because I think I told you this this weekend in Vegas. Is being able to recover and not hold on to something is really important, like you don't want to, like, let's repair the relationship. Let's have a face to face talk and then get back on the moving train of like moving forward in a healthy way of this relationship. I think like sitting in that where you hold a grudge for like weeks on end, or you don't say anything and it just builds builds builds, and then one little thing and then you explode and that can cost the relationship. But I think, I think I need to look at things a little bit of like, Okay, is this like a three like does like like Sabrina said, does the pinch match the ouch?

00:20:05
Speaker 1: M see?

00:20:07
Speaker 2: I don't know, Like how bad is the pinch? Is it like a little while that's the thing is.

00:20:12
Speaker 1: That's why I say it's a lose lose for both of us because any sort of anything that makes me like become thrown off, it's big just because of what I've experienced. And even though, like you said, you work through it, but anything, there's only so much work you can do on your own before someone else has to come in and repair that. But then what are they gonna do. That's gonna you know, cause you more triggers and more trauma where it's you know, but it's it's hard. And I think women who can come back from infidelity like Amber, I don't know how you did it so many times I was.

00:20:54
Speaker 2: A dumb ass. Let's be real, like, I'm someone should have literally taken a bat to my head. Really, but now I know.

00:21:03
Speaker 1: What would you do now if you experienced infidelity?

00:21:07
Speaker 2: Oh, I would just quietly leave and very calm like even like, okay, I hope it was worth it and leave.

00:21:26
Speaker 1: Which would you prefer your husband just putting his peep where it doesn't belong one time, or having an emotional emotional affair where there was no physical contact.

00:21:42
Speaker 2: An emotional fair that just really feels like it hits differently.

00:21:47
Speaker 1: I don't think I could get over either. No, I think either one. There's the door.

00:21:51
Speaker 2: Oh, of course there's either one. But what would hurt worse? I think an emotional fair. I feel like eventually, if not caught before, always leads to physical some physical Yeah.

00:22:03
Speaker 1: I don't know that. I'd believe you if you were in an emotional affair and they said they had never touched each other, It's just like, that's just not how it works. And then if they drink, they don't have to be alcoholics, but you add some wine, I'll get it. Forget it.

00:22:16
Speaker 2: Those are coming off.

00:22:17
Speaker 1: Those are coming off one hundred percent but the more that I and I'm trying not to fight it, but I just I feel like I opened myself up, told the universe I was down for the cause of love and finding my person. And we're only in April, approaching May, and I'm going, I don't know about this. I lived a really peaceful life. I was happy every day and it was only contingent on myself and if my kids were good, and that was a really fucking great way to live. Because I can't control another person.

00:22:53
Speaker 2: You can't.

00:22:54
Speaker 1: That scares me amber and the thought of it makes me want to sob where I'm like, just make this fucking easy.

00:23:04
Speaker 2: I think the right person will, I really do. I think the right person will make it easy. It's not going to be perfect, because there's no perfect relationship, but I think our universe, our country is going through a really hard time with the word trust, Like we need to reset what trusting actually means. First, you have to trust yourself, right something. I feel like I've really grown to learn how to trust myself, to trust my instincts. And so if you you get these feelings and you're like, huh, like doesn't mean you act on them. And I'm not saying like the red flags, like you feel something and you're thinking, God, why do I feel this way? I think we have to learn to trust ourselves and then you build trust with someone. And you have to be willing to build trust with someone, because if you're not, then it's like, what's the point of being in a relationship. You might as well just live your married life the way you have raise your kids, have girlfriends. But you have to want it. You have to want it, and maybe you don't know if you want it yet. I think you do. I think you're just fucking scared, and it's okay to be scared.

00:24:17
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm really scared.

00:24:18
Speaker 2: I know you are.

00:24:19
Speaker 1: What I've noticed is now, like before, when I would hear like men doing things that were dirty or like, you know, the stuff that we've been talking about, my reaction would be like, see, men are shitty. They're all the same. Now when I when I hear something like this, it doesn't I don't necessarily go straight to like the man being so shitty like the man in general. It's like, wow, that guy like really fucked up, and it's more of like a pinpointed like this is you. This isn't every every man, which is definitely different for me. And it just it just happened. It's not like I'm trying to not put men under one blanket. It just like overnight was like, Okay, you know, some men do really shitty things, and I have to trust that, Like I'm going to find someone who's not gonna do shitty things again. I have to be comfortable with the idea of like knowing that it's not going to be perfect.

00:25:19
Speaker 2: But that scares me, right, But let's not let's put let's put these guys on a scale like a ten.

00:25:24
Speaker 1: I know that's going to be hard though, because I'm an emotional person.

00:25:28
Speaker 2: I know, but until they until they prove that they're a ten, meaning a piece of shit, don't don't put them in that category. Let them start like started them out of five, right, and they do something stupid, Okay, they move up a little bit, Okay, they move down a little bit, and see where they land after like three six months.

00:25:48
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know if you do this, but I also need to retrain myself the difference between you're a piece of shit or you did something that was kind of shitty.

00:25:58
Speaker 2: Hmmmm. Oh I love that. I feel like that's a good slogan on a shirt. Are you a piece of shit? Or did you do something shitty?

00:26:08
Speaker 1: You know, because like I can do I can do shitty things, but like I like to think that I'm not a piece of shit.

00:26:14
Speaker 2: No, you're not a piece of shit. That's really interesting. I'm not a piece of shit. I just did a really shitty thing.

00:26:21
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that I can take that and go, Okay, we've got something here. You did something that made me feel lucky. We can work through it. This is my hardline. There will be no cheating and there will be no drug use. Those two things. There's no discussion. I'm out the Trendp's completely gone.

00:26:43
Speaker 2: Yeah.

00:26:43
Speaker 1: I can deal with a lot and work through it. Those two things shut me down to my very core.

00:26:48
Speaker 2: Well, you're non negotiables before you even open the door, and you know very soon when you open the door. Didn't you recently ask someone if they've ever cheated? Or Am I making this up? No?

00:26:57
Speaker 1: I asked them, okay, and there was spons was flawless. Well that's good.

00:27:04
Speaker 2: That's good.

00:27:07
Speaker 1: You can get a read on people. I see in their eyes.

00:27:10
Speaker 2: But here's here's a question. If someone and I'm not talking about that specific person you're talking about. If a man in general said, yes, I have, I made a huge mistake. You know, I learned my lesson. I've done a lot of work on myself. I can never see myself doing that again. Would you still go into a relationship.

00:27:29
Speaker 1: With them, Well, because I'm a dumb ass. Probably No, I don't think you would.

00:27:34
Speaker 2: You're not a dumb ass. You're so smart. Stop saying that. That would make me pump the brakes. Have you cheated before?

00:27:41
Speaker 1: No?

00:27:42
Speaker 2: And I say that it's funny. I say that because remember I was telling you when I was married. I again, I was on set with like a lot of random, good looking intimate scenes. I don't I don't know what like. I just don't. I think you're either a cheater or you're not. I don't know. But I remember I got like a love letter sent to me, a handwritten Remember I was telling you this, Someone whose name will remain obviously not on here wrote me wrote me a love letter and it was like the most beautiful pen to paper letter. And I was like, and I was married, they were not, they were single. And I was thinking, oh my god, this was like that would have been such an easy in for me, such an excuse to leave my marriage. But I didn't not even emotional, and like I think I was just so. I was also on like in turmoil for eight years straight. I don't even think that was It was me in survival mode. I wasn't even thinking like how do I get out of this situation? For me, it was like, let me take more pills so I could stay into in this situation and manage my feelings, right, you know, or suppress them rather.

00:29:09
Speaker 1: Yeah. I haven't cheated either, but I remember with our ex, I went out and started doing my thing because he had told me that he was separated, and at this point it was like, okay, like how long does one stay separated for before you like have a finalized divorce. So I just started going out and doing my thing. And I just think it's impossible to cheat on a married person. It just't that doesn't You can't cheat on someone who has a wife. So I stand by I never cheated. Good, Yeah, and I almost did. I almost did.

00:29:48
Speaker 2: Oh that's right.

00:29:49
Speaker 1: When I left the ring behind. Yeah yeah, And when she at the fan, I was like, well, no, I could have been fucking this whole time. I had my sh I had my shot both of us.

00:30:02
Speaker 2: But you walked away with your dignity.

00:30:05
Speaker 1: Amen's sister. I love that. I actually really liked this episode. It took a turn. We went from like the affairs in the workplace to could you handle that shit? Nah? We're good you guys, Thank you for listening to another episode of an Unlikely Affair. We're gonna catch you guys again next week. We love you, Amber, I love you and I miss you. M M.

00:30:27
Speaker 2: I love you too, Baby.

00:30:29
Speaker 1: We'll call you after this. Bye bye,