The One About Dating with Sabrina Zohar

00:00:05
Speaker 1: Okay, I'll just get a lot of dating life.

00:00:07
Speaker 2: I'll go ahead.

00:00:08
Speaker 1: Ay, oh, I love that.

00:00:10
Speaker 2: Hello, gorgeous, it is Lala Khan. Welcome back to my podcast. I'm so excited because today I have Sabrina Zohar here. We have a mutual friend that I can't wait to deep dive into. You are a dating and relationship expert known for your unfiltered nobs advice, which I really wholeheartedly needna. I cannot wait to fucking talk to you. You give heart takes and real strategies. Her tough love takes go viral on social media. Are you more on TikTok or Instagram? Both?

00:00:39
Speaker 1: I'm an equal opportunist here, I've got same followers.

00:00:42
Speaker 2: I'm both good for you. She also got her own clothing line called Software. She's the host of the Sabrina Zohar Show. It's also on YouTube. So welcome to my podcast. I am so thrilled to have you.

00:00:54
Speaker 1: Thanks Dad, I'm super excited to be here.

00:00:56
Speaker 2: I was talking to Amber the other day. We share a baby daddy, and she was like, I'm going out with a girlfriend today and I was like, oh my god, that's so fun. She's like, yeah, we're going to lunch. She's such a fucking badass. You would love her. I have to introduce you. She's a relationship expert, and I was like, how many of those are out there? And I go, what's her name? Because we had you lined up to get on the pod, and she goes, Sabrina Zohar. I go, holy shit, she's coming on my podcast in a few days. And she just like raved about you, And I'm like, we were just talking about this before we started. When people say, oh, it's such a small world, it is truly the tiniest of worlds, like now between like the industry that we're all kind of in. Then you mix all the platforms that we call social media. Everyone has fucked everybody in.

00:01:54
Speaker 1: Some capacity some way. We all have. I have so many. Well, first of all, I didn't know that you guys share the same baby daddy. That is great that you guys have such a great relationship, because it's fucking shows the strength of the two of you.

00:02:04
Speaker 2: First of all, it shows the strength truly of her more so than me. Okay, is my takeaway from it. We had such it was just not a good situation at the beginning, and no matter how you want to break it down on how it happened. At the end of the day, it is what it is. I was the other woman, and whether I knew that or not, whether I chose to turn a blind die, who knows the reasoning. I have apologized profusely to her for the pain that I caused her during that time, and at one point she said to me, you have to let it go. I can see her saying that I forgive you, and I'm like it, like, who are you that you could look me in my eyes and not only look me in my eyes, have conversations and also be my friend.

00:02:58
Speaker 1: Well, I doesn't say, but and you sell yourself short. Yes, of course it is so much strength from her, but also for you to have the humility to be like, hey, I'm gonna own my shit. I'm sorry, here's my part in it. Can we move on from it? Because it shows you really the heart that you have, because you very easily could have been like fuck that girl, I don't care, man Na manute, but you didn't. You chose to step up and step into your power and say like, hey, man, here's what it is. Can we move past this? And that? To me, it's not about the conflict, is the repair.

00:03:21
Speaker 2: Absolutely, And you know, she's she's my family. I love her so well. She's the best.

00:03:26
Speaker 1: She's the best.

00:03:27
Speaker 2: Like the other day I called her and I was like, do you want to go to the park with me and Ocean and Sosa? And she like met up with us. We have we will forever be bonded for the mere fact that our kids are sisters. Right, but we can also call each other and vent about the same person who did us both very dirty, you know. And I can only imagine what she was sitting there thinking when I was with this person. I'm sure she was like, you'll find out. You will find out, And I fucking did.

00:03:58
Speaker 1: As somebody who's been on it, I've been on I've been on both sides. I've been the person that came after and then I was the person that got the email after of like, hey, by the way, we share the same experience, yes, And as the person that receives it, when you're sitting there and you're like, it's okay, don't worry, you'll come We'll be having a conversation soon, and it's it's the most liberating feeling because at the end of the day, when you can talk to somebody else and realize that you're not alone in an experience, it changes the game because it's dating relationships. Doing all of these things, especially depending on the dynamics of the situation, you can make yourself literally go fucking insane, you can gaslight yourself, and we get so in our heads that being able to have somebody else be like, hey man, that's not you, especially that knows the.

00:04:36
Speaker 2: Situation right, it is very liberating. Yeah, and it also feels amazing because it's wild that when she's struggling with something that's going on, I can be her strength, and when I'm struggling, she becomes my strength. So we have this really beautiful balance. But I also admire her because she did not let the experience with our baby daddy define her. She's been able to go out and date and put her heart on the table still, where I have actually struggled tremendously with doing that, and I've asked her, like the other night, I have to tell you. So it's like ten thirty at night and I'm having an issue with the baby daddy. So naturally i call Amber and I'm like, what are you doing. I'm pissed off, and she goes, oh, you know, I'm just laying in bed with a super hot drummer. And I laughed and I go aha, I go lou too, and he goes hey. I like, oh shit, you're being serious.

00:05:44
Speaker 1: You're like, oh fuck, oh hey, good to see you. Well, first of all, I need to have a conversation with her about that, but that's for another.

00:05:50
Speaker 2: Day that I'm here for something. I'm so sorry. But I was like, damn, like, you're out here and you're meeting people, and whether it works out with them or not, who cares. You're at least going through the process of elimination. You're miles ahead of what I'm doing.

00:06:07
Speaker 1: And wasn't say where are you at mentally? Emotionally, Let's tell what a loaded quit, right, isn't it?

00:06:13
Speaker 2: So I feel mentally when I get to a place where I'm like, I'm ready to put myself out there, I go and do it and immediately run scared because I see what's out there and I feel defeated by it. I also have tremendous trust issues. And then I sit here and I say, there's no judgment for people who are on dating apps, but if there's no judgment, and you're noticing that people are meeting on dating apps and they're having success, then why won't you do it? And it's like, well, because I'm judging them, I.

00:06:48
Speaker 1: Just say usually more often than not, it's like, what's the story, what's the narrative? Because I met my partner on a dating app and I, oh, yeah, and I get it. I totally understand the stigma. And they're like, ah, I don't want.

00:06:57
Speaker 2: To do it.

00:06:58
Speaker 1: When I moved to New York, I just turn nineteen, so I was a baby maging myself. Okaycup it had just come out, and so like wow, it was the first like desktop app that you were like oh, and I remember like Match had been out, YadA YadA, and when Okaycup it came out, like I was still going to bars and meeting people. I was still doing what the old what we did in the old days of like having a conversation face to face and like not relying on technology. It's so weird. And then when the apps came out, it was like a field day every I mean everyone as the most good looking, attractive, like incredible people were on there. Because we didn't know what it was and so I've seen the iterations. I've been through Okaycupid and Tender and all of them, right, Okay, And I think at the end of the day, there's a couple of things. One, is it a casino.

00:07:37
Speaker 2: Yeah, of course, the.

00:07:38
Speaker 1: House always wants to win. Their goal is to make money, and we know that, but you could still break the system because there are still people that win in the slot machines. And for me, I think it's really about a couple of things. One, am I being a better buyer? Am I vetting these people properly? Am I?

00:07:50
Speaker 2: Right?

00:07:50
Speaker 1: I see a profile, especially like it depends on the app. We're talking rya that is to be seen, not to be met, right, Like very few people meet on Riya. It's just kind of a like, oh I'm on this app, but not as many people actually proactively are like making date. At least for me, I was on the way for years.

00:08:07
Speaker 2: Amber said the same thing. She said, Riyah, it's usually like people want to be your pen pal. No one's ever looking to actually link up. And then she says like, I don't need a pen pal, have a great one, bro Okay, So that's kind of where that one lies. Yeah, what about then Tinder came into play.

00:08:24
Speaker 1: Is a dinder. I don't understand. I don't get how even people are using it in seriousness because there's so many bots and all this the fakes. And I have had some friends, like one of my friends, and many ways ago, not even like a three or four years ago. She I guess somehow they introduce this like worldwide feature, and so she somehow got matched with this, like this guy in Italy came up for.

00:08:41
Speaker 2: Her a worldwide feature, let's make it even more excitable.

00:08:44
Speaker 1: It's like she would we do outer space? Do that would because that would work out for a lot of the people in LA. But this guy, he was so gorgeous that she thought it was sack. She was veryly convinced, and she's like, come on, there's no way, and he ended up they faced time. He ended up coming to visit her. They had this whole ten days together. And so like there are of course on the country, real people on Tinder in America, it's very bots and fakes and I don't even bother with it, or people just want.

00:09:07
Speaker 2: To hook up bye, that's just okay.

00:09:08
Speaker 1: There's a lot of people that have had success hinge now hinge is the only one. And the reason I like it is because one it's not gamifying the swipe, which I really enjoy. I don't want to have to sit there and swipe yes or no. What I like about it is that I can make a move as well, or you can make a move right.

00:09:22
Speaker 2: Like either person, but it has to be like mutual.

00:09:25
Speaker 1: Still okay, still, you're still mutual. So as a heterosexual woman, those are the norms I'm gonna speak in. Please fill in for anyone listening what fills for you. If I'm dating a man, right, okay, I can like his photo, but he still has to match me, which I enjoy. I like that I can still put it out there. I can say something to him as well, like hey, you know your hat, Like if I were like just a mom, what else is there to you?

00:09:45
Speaker 2: I don't know.

00:09:46
Speaker 1: I hope nobody says that to you besides me. But then like, let's say there's something on that okay, but then you can choose. I want to start the conversation. So I like that both people have to still agree, but both people can shoot their shot because you never know, right. But if you're not swiping, but someone comes up and you're like, WHOA, I don't want to keep looking I like that.

00:10:01
Speaker 2: Okay.

00:10:02
Speaker 1: So my partner when he matched with me, I had been on apps on and off for the fifteen years of my adult life before I met him between New York La.

00:10:08
Speaker 2: Wow.

00:10:09
Speaker 1: You get into a relationship, you you know, you date Okay, then you get off and maybe you're on the apps for a little longer. You delete them, right, like it's this dance that you go through. And I met my fair share of like really attractive men that were total garbage. I met my fair share of amazing people on there. But when I met my partner, what stood out was the way that he didn't do anything about my looks. He chose a prompt that I had and he wrote like a full paragraph to engage a conversation.

00:10:30
Speaker 2: Wow.

00:10:30
Speaker 1: So immediately was like whoa, Okay, yeah, I'm in, And then within an hour was right to hey, let me take you out, like, give me your number if you're comfortable.

00:10:38
Speaker 2: This was here in La or San Diego, San Diego. So, had you set up your profile to be like within a certain distance.

00:10:46
Speaker 1: I So my trajectory was before I started any of this stuff, like I have my clothing line software and I was supposed to Shark Tank and I was like, Wowrett, Yeah, I was on set, like eight months of prep of doing everything, like literally, I'm in the green room being like, dude, you're next, like you're set up, there's Mark Cuban, you ready, and I fucking did. My Joe just spends some meditation and I was like, I'm so ready, And twenty thirty minutes goes by, and you know, you're like in your gut, you're like something doesn't feel right, and all of a sudden, the producer comes in and says, I'm so sorry, we can't fit you on today and we don't have any backups, like we don't have any other days for you, sorry, and so like I hit rock bottom. And then two weeks later they call, we've got a spot for you. Cool, I'm back up. I thought that was my life. And then ten o'clock at night the night before, I'm so sorry, we're not gonna be able to fit you on. Try again next year. When I say, my world crumbled, like I thought that was it. I thought that was my career. And so I was dating this guy who was super avoidant, and I was just like this just wasn't working. And it's not about avoidant or anxious or any of that shit. It was the fact that this person didn't have any emotional bandwidth. And it became clear because in a month after Shark Tank, my dog got sick and passed away within ten days, and the dude was nowhere to be seen. Wow, no where to be seen. Like I remember calling him when when I found out about Clem and his response was I was gonna watch a movie tonight. What did And even my mom she was like, what, how did you.

00:11:59
Speaker 2: Meet this guy? And okay, so he's here.

00:12:02
Speaker 1: Yeah, and we had and he was very sweet. It is so limited. It was like it was palpable, like you couldn't talk about emotions. He didn't know what to do with them. And so I literally I went over his house. We were like, it was a whole thing, and he just was saying some bullshit and I walked out. I was like, I'm done, I'm good. I don't want to do this anymore.

00:12:18
Speaker 2: I was like, the end for you.

00:12:19
Speaker 1: I'm good girl. If you knew, I'll just say he deflected a lot and I got in my car and I remember I cried and I called my mom because she was in town, and I was like, you know what, where's me and him? We're supposed to go to San Diego to see my sister for Thanksgiving and I said, Mom, you're coming with me? And I was like, let's go. And I climbed had passed. I'm like, what else do I have here? And I was like, fuck, La, I'm done. I want to I want to move. So I went to San Diego. My sister lives there, and I was like, you know, I'm get a try. I started going to see apartments and I was like, I like it here. It's really quiet, it's mellow. Just so happened. My partner, now, Ryan, he was supposed to move, didn't get the house ended up being within the fifteen mile proximity that I was in. Because I had he gotten this house, we would never have matched, and it just like was very seamless and we matched. He went into Okay, can I take you out? First date? Wasn't that int him?

00:13:00
Speaker 2: Honest?

00:13:00
Speaker 1: I thought he was okay?

00:13:06
Speaker 2: What about him? Did you just feel? Was okay?

00:13:09
Speaker 1: He was so present and secure and healthy and like into me that I was like, oh no, I don't like that isn't that.

00:13:15
Speaker 2: The craziest shit ever?

00:13:17
Speaker 1: Welcome to attachment styles and drama?

00:13:20
Speaker 2: Is that what it is? Because I think about this so often that the only men who have come into my life since my my ex, they've been They've placed me in a situation where I feel like I have to defend myself or I have to like be hard on them or kind of tell them I have to be in fight mode, maybe either mom not. I wouldn't say their mom.

00:13:43
Speaker 1: I was gonna say, what do you fight me?

00:13:45
Speaker 2: It would be just and I wouldn't even say that it's It's like it's just combative and I'm so comfortable in it.

00:13:53
Speaker 1: I was gonna say, how familiar is that?

00:13:55
Speaker 2: It's so familiar because I know how to do that all day long. Of course, so when you talk to me about someone who who showed up, was present in the moment, had healthy conversation, I too think I would go, I'm good. Yeah.

00:14:06
Speaker 1: I was like, he's a try. I found everything. I'm like, I hate his car color, it's like really really yeah, I don't like it's blue. And then I was like his clothes are too tight, and it's like all of those things could very easily change. Oh, I don't like that he buzzes his hair. It's like, don't worry, he grew it out now, But really what when we hooked up on the first date. That's the irony of it. Like I wasn't into himself, was like, I don't care whatever, I'll get died down. And then when I left, I was like, I'm probably never gonna see this guy again. That's fine. I really let go of the outcome. I just didn't care if it worked out or not. I had lost one my best friend, my dog when he passed. I was like, I don't care about any of this stuff. And then the next day Ryan texted me and he was like, I'm still smiling from last night. I'd love to see you again.

00:14:39
Speaker 2: And I was like, oh, you're like really, I haven't thought about you.

00:14:42
Speaker 1: Yeah. It was like since I left, I was like, right, mean, it was funny. Just made a TikTok about this tech guy that I hooked up with last night. Did you really That's how we got the name tech guy. He probably was like, just promised me you'll keep me anonymous, and the ironies. He works at my company now, so he's very not anonymous.

00:14:55
Speaker 2: No, we're talking about him and he's fine. He doesn't give you that guy is alive and well as Ryan.

00:15:00
Speaker 1: I love him and he's but really the kind of the at the end of the day, let's talk about why do I go for people that I'm not in or why are the people that I don't like like me versus the ones that I'm into. It's combative or it's unhealthy or whatever. Right, So it's a couple of things. One we have to look at patterns and core beliefs, so depending on and we don't have to get two into the weeds of it. But like if you and I were having a conversation offline, my first question would be, how well do you feel when you're dealing with these people?

00:15:24
Speaker 2: When I'm dealing with men, these.

00:15:26
Speaker 1: Schmo's that you're combative with and having that to mental us.

00:15:30
Speaker 2: Feel like I'm in my early twenties again, Okay.

00:15:32
Speaker 1: What happened in your early twenties? That feels like it's reminiscent of that.

00:15:36
Speaker 2: Dealing with dudes who they just want to they want to be children still and they want to go off and they want to live their life, and you know, so they're wild oats and I want them to be in a partnership because I like partnerships. The problem is now is I'm thirty five, they're also but they still want to act that way. And when you take me back to my twenties, and I've consistently had to deal with that behavior, and then was in fight mode with the biggest relationship I've ever had that was supposed to end in marriage, that ended with a baby. I was in fight mode there. I don't know any different.

00:16:14
Speaker 1: Yeah, your nervous system is completely dysregulated whenever you're dating, because it's all it knows. I don't trust you. Back the fuck up. But then I would go even further of like, okay, and again, we don't have to talk about this here if you don't want to whatever you feel.

00:16:24
Speaker 2: Like, it's such an open let's talk about it all.

00:16:26
Speaker 1: Then we go deeper of like, okay, what was the relationship between your parents together? And then how did they attune to your needs individually? Because sure, in your twenties you start to notice these things, but where did they start. They start in early childhood. And it doesn't mean your parents are about people. They could be incredible, but like for me, my father's narcissistic, and my mother's a people pleaser. My mom, I would literally set myself on fire for her, but she completely disassociates like she can't she doesn't know how to set boundaries and she's learning now. Growing up, my father hit us. He was incredibly abusive, very verbal, like leave, would smack us and leave the house, would go off with his mistress. What did I learn? I can't trust that people are going to stay here with me. I am used to people that I'm too much around them because my father couldn't handle our emotions. So I always felt like I'm too much but not enough. Okay, that dichotomy, So, of course, then what did I do? I consistently dated men that reaffirmed that to me. So if I came to write these guys that were dismissing me or being flippant or playing games with me, that's like my dad. So that feels familiar to my nervous system. It knows how to keep me safe.

00:17:21
Speaker 2: There.

00:17:22
Speaker 1: Then if I meet somebody like Ryan, my nervous system and my core beliefs are you mean I'm fine as I am? You mean there's nothing wrong with me? I'm okay? You mean you want to give me love freely and I don't have to work for it. Now, there must be something wrong here and we don't know how to receive that because it feels really foreign to our body. And that's where the work really starts to come in of How would I feel if I allowed myself to receive love? What feels scary about that? Do I not trust myself?

00:17:45
Speaker 2: You know I don't. I relate to everything you're saying when it comes to the dating. However, with my parents, my dad was amazing. I'm sure I saw fights, but when it came to their relationship, I watched my parents as best friends. I watched them navigate really difficult times together and come out on top. I noticed my dad was more I didn't want to call him weak, but he allowed people to walk on him. He would rather not deal with confrontation and just give someone what they wanted, and it put him in really hot water later on in life, which eventually the stress of that I think killed him. My mother is tough. She will give you all the love in the world, but at the end of the day, you better sack the fuck up. You are responsible for yourself. You are responsible for how you feel. Nobody else, But there was so much love in my household that it's almost like, when I go out to meet meet dudes, I immediately want to run back home because there's nothing like the love I feel at home totally. So I'm like, why would I go out and meet someone when I'm so fulfilled at home and I feel so safe and I feel protected, and I feel like I could take on the world. And then when I go out there, it's like, oh my god, this is terrifying. And I have trust issues and my family's never done me dirty, so why would I leave them? Then?

00:19:09
Speaker 1: So, and this is I'm glad we're talking about this because I think, look at the two right, we have two completely different experiences growing up, but yet similar in the experiences of how it's manifesting an adult life. And that's actually really important because I think a lot of us look, for me, like the big teas of like, oh, okay.

00:19:24
Speaker 2: Were they hitting me?

00:19:25
Speaker 1: And where were they abusing me? Where were they leaving me?

00:19:26
Speaker 2: Right?

00:19:27
Speaker 1: And that is real, that is one hundred percent real, and that will cause a lot of anxiety or avoidance or whatever. But then we look at little teas and what it essentially is is like what we want to look at is where did I learn this behavior from? Where did I learn that I can't trust other people?

00:19:40
Speaker 2: Is it?

00:19:40
Speaker 1: Maybe? And again it could be no one did anything wrong, but maybe my parents never taught me how to tune into my own emotions. Like I have one client, I love him, and his parents are amazing people, like they're so lovely, but growing up and he's such a lovely guy, but he kept finding himself in the same relationships with these girls that were kind of like psychotic, not even crazy, no, like we'll slash your tires and find you with like that type that you're like, oh, I'm a little concerned.

00:20:03
Speaker 2: For my safety.

00:20:04
Speaker 1: And when we started to unpack it, what he realized was growing up his mom. Anytime they felt sad or had an emotion, instead of her being like, hey, let's talk about she would just go let's go play and would try to distract the kids. So now as an adult, he doesn't know how to process his emotions. He doesn't know how to sit with them. See what I mean by there's nothing wrong with his mom. But what he learned growing up was you self sacrifice for everybody. You do what I need to do. So when he had this girl, everything was how can I make it better? What can I do to show up for her? Because he didn't know how to sit with himself and say, huh, this doesn't feel good. I don't like it. Because if he had said that to one of his parents, he was like, I knew that they couldn't handle that emotion. You see what I mean by there's nothing that's bad. There's no big teas here. But what we want to look at is not villainizing our parents, but understanding where did I learn this from? So, if you have trust issues, where did I learn that I can't trust myself for other people? Maybe it is in your twenties, right, Maybe you had such a trusting home that your parents didn't teach you what to look for. And that doesn't mean that they're bad people. What we look at is oh, okay, So now how do I support myself and how do I take care of myself as an adult? Okay? Well, I need to repairent myself and let myself know because I'd be curious. You know, you said you have trust issues. What part don't you trust? Is it them or you?

00:21:12
Speaker 2: Well, my picker is definitely off you know, it's a little like when I look back on relationships that I had in my twenties, I don't look at those dudes as like bad people. They were dudes in college who should be going and getting drunk and fucking whoever they want. They should be doing that. Right then, when I think about when my trust issues really really developed, it was after my ex and it's been I mean, we're approaching four years, like I should be over this and I'm over what happened, but the aftermath of it on how it is so deep rooted and how I go about relationships. That part. I don't know if it will go away unless I really really do the work. And that's when I felt like it it came up. And you know, I was also in the height of my alcoholism when I was with my ex. My parents couldn't say anything because I would have isolated and pushed them away and done that whole bit. But I realized that I didn't trust myself when I was with someone who I thought was really taking care of me across the board mentally, spiritually, financially. I was all in with this person, right I wish he was a little bit better looking. I sacrificed there, but the rest outweighed it right, And then you're hit with all of the things that have been going on behind your back, and you look in the mirror and you go, how the you, stupid bitch, how the fuck could you not have seen this?

00:22:51
Speaker 1: That is why you're stuck. Yes, that's that is right there, because what happened when you said earlier, I didn't want to interrupt you. I should be over this. Oh, so we're shaming ourselves. So you're blaming your sit, shaming yourself for not knowing better. But yet what I also hear is you grew up in such a beautiful household, right, and you're so what a beautiful blessing, What a beautiful blessing to two parents that out their shit?

00:23:09
Speaker 2: Right?

00:23:09
Speaker 1: Everybody has their things. What to know that you could trust somebody, that you could rely on someone, But that's also maybe a double edged sword, because then you blindly went into something trusting someone thinking that, well, like I can trust them, I can trust you. And then what happened was you got blindsided. Yeah, you got your ass handed to you for whatever the specifics of it happened. And so now what do I hear is that we're attacking yourself for not having known any better. But you didn't know what to look for, So how could you have known anything?

00:23:34
Speaker 2: Right?

00:23:34
Speaker 1: And so now I actually want to be able to move on from this and like really let yourself free, acknowledge the pain that you went through and allow it. No should get rid of should I went through something really traumatizing. I went through something traumatic. I don't trust other people because I'm still learning how to listen to my voice. And that's okay, Yeah, you're a human who taught you how to deal with this.

00:23:56
Speaker 2: Right, And even my mom beats herself up because she's like, I SHO should have I'm not gonna cry on this podcast, It's okay, Yeah I should have protected you more. And she was like, I'm from you, tat I didn't know people like this existed right there.

00:24:17
Speaker 1: And so maybe we can let that little girl know that's like right now, hurting and feeling and trying to experience all of these different things that your mom that should see where you learn that from like I should I should? I should you take the pressure that you didn't know? Yeah, but maybe we can let that little girl know that, Yeah, you're right, nobody did teach you that and they were totally fucked over. And that's really really painful. But guess what, we don't need mom and dad to protect you. We don't know what anybody. She needs you. Yeah, she needs you to tell her, Am I okay? Am I a good girl? Or did I fuck up even more?

00:24:49
Speaker 2: Yeah?

00:24:49
Speaker 1: And if you let her know, like I see you and I hear you, you were struggling too. You didn't know And I'm so sorry you thought you needed to keep me safe by doing what we've always done, which is blindly trust people. Because in our childhood we were able to do that. Yeah, unfortunately our adult life or not.

00:25:01
Speaker 2: No, not at all.

00:25:03
Speaker 1: And that's not because now when you go out and date, which I'll be by your side now through it out and I won't give you my phone number.

00:25:08
Speaker 2: I love that.

00:25:08
Speaker 1: Now when you go out and date, it's less about are they gonna fuck me over? Are they gonna hurt me? No? No, no, no no. Do I trust myself that I'll be okay no matter what? And do I trust that I'll be able to discern if they do pull the wool over my eyes? Yeah, cause you're gonna Beatchmo's we live in LA.

00:25:21
Speaker 2: I know is a whole another layer. I mean, I can't it's I have spoken to people who don't live here and they're like, it is wild out there. You add Los Angeles, it is a completely different layer. Would you say that LA is one of the hardest cities to date?

00:25:37
Speaker 1: In for sure La and New York. It vacillates between the two. New York was just voted by like I want of the actual worst city, but I would say it's six of one. I think both of them are equally as terrible. But then again, I have friends when I was in San Diego terrible luck. I think major cities when we think about what attracts people to a major city opportunity, you know, big, new shiny, and there's a lot. I mean, this is the land of Peter Hands, this is the land of I'm forty five and I'm still figuring my things out. It's like, this is the land of open to short term or open to long term, but for for short and you're like, Yo, what the fuck are we doing here, dude? Right, So we have to know that. But with that comes like you exist to they good people exist, and I know that there is somebody out there waiting for Lalla, waiting for you to be the person that they have dinner with. You just haven't met them yet.

00:26:24
Speaker 2: When I talk to people about dating, they're like, well, you know, where are you going to meet people? Maybe it's where you're going. I'm like, I don't really leave my house. They're like, well, then how would you meet someone?

00:26:36
Speaker 1: Fair question.

00:26:36
Speaker 2: I'm like, they're supposed to fall in my lap?

00:26:38
Speaker 1: Duhh? I would actually offline, I will talk to you because I have somebody for you. So anyways, but that's also it is like, how can you put yourself into communities with people that you trust that then will then have people for you because there's no guarantee. But I would know. I would never put my neck out and introduce you to somebody that would ever hurt you. I wouldn't. I wouldn't do it. So now it's really about again, is it really about I don't trust them? Good, don't fucking trust them? As an why would you? I would never suggest dressing people off the bat, But what I would suggest is if I'm going to project how I feel about myself onto these people, then I can't be surprised if it doesn't work. But if you find a pattern, if you keep dating this same type of fucking people, we have to look at what's the common denominator. It's not that you are the problem, but maybe it's the behavior. Maybe it's what you're allowing, and maybe it's what you're excusing that ends up at right. We don't know. We don't know, but we got to look into that.

00:27:25
Speaker 2: I do know that the list of dudes like I told you that have come after have not been the healthiest of humans, and so full transparency, I have not been intimate with a man maybe by the time this airs, but I haven't been intimate with a man since March of twenty twenty three. Okay, but I got pregnant, I was said, minor copy e iuy. So I keep looking at these markers of like, Okay, well, you haven't been intimate with a man, and then you got pregnant, so that's why there was a lull, and now you're eight months postpartum, so of course you wouldn't want to sleep with anybody. And I'm almost becoming so okay with not having someone there because I'm so in my routine and living just like a peaceful life that that part scares me too.

00:28:19
Speaker 1: Well, like my mama always says, they're an addition to non instead of so you're building that life now if you have a baby, you've got your career, you've got your life. You're filling you are filling your cup. And that is so fucking beautiful, which means anybody, any shmo that comes to you now, has to add to your life. My friend always says, i'd like a bank account. Think of it like that. If they're adding and you're in the green. Fuck, yeah, let's make some money. Let's go. We're we're progressing, we're growing. I'm feeling good. But if you feel like you're constantly sacrificing and my needs aren't met and I'm dealing with a child, you're in the red. None of us want to live in that business.

00:28:49
Speaker 2: None of us want.

00:28:50
Speaker 1: To be feeling like we're depleted. But I would be curious based on because I mean, take this conversation into being a personal one on one. But here we go based on the men that you're dating right now, the patterns of they have been the healthiest, versus what it is that you want. What's the disconnect?

00:29:04
Speaker 2: The disconnect is me, which part my picker, go on, go further, saying, your picker, what does that mean? My picker means I am gravitating towards men who are emotionally unavailable, who kind of have nothing going on for them. They kind of look to me as like I have to be the alpha and everything that I want. It's how are you ending up with these men because you don't want like when you come up with a list, it's nothing that these men possess. But I know I'm not the only one that's going oh through this. I feel like we're all kind of like banging our heads against a wall. I also, and this could be so far off. I mean, you would know because you're in this space. I feel like there are good men out there, but there is many more good women than good men.

00:30:03
Speaker 1: Oh one hundred percent that I can I can say a certain deed there's and I'm not going to do this. It's not like a gender based rule. I'm not like attacking men. More women are apt to doing work than there are the men.

00:30:12
Speaker 2: Right.

00:30:12
Speaker 1: And it's also say look at the men, it be the tough guy, right, women emotional right. But what I would say is okay, interesting, picker, What I actually hear is, so what I want versus what I need? Two different things? Right, what I want? That's why I hate if you wanted to he would it because it's not about want. Life is not about want. I want a lot of things, but this bitch ain't doing it right. But what I would hear is then I would say what is needed is like, oh, then you're not setting the boundaries that are needed or we're not having the conversations early on to assess if they're emotionally available and matching up to what it is that you want. So then that's where I would say, that's the disconnect. It's not that your picker is off. You're going to meet these people, it's what are you doing with it once you meet them? What are the conversations we're having, What are the questions that we're asking, and what is the information that we're receiving and how are we processing that? Because if you're seeing their emotionally unavailable, they don't have what I want. But yet if I'm still going for them, what does it mean about you if you didn't get them? What does it mean about you if you do? Especially when you're like, oh, they're not even what I want, but yet here I am going for it. That will hit your core beliefs even more in your self esteem. Well, and now I have to get them They ain't shit. So if I can't get ain shit, then what does that say about me?

00:31:10
Speaker 2: Oh? Yeah? The ego and.

00:31:13
Speaker 1: A egos part of us. My friend brit Frank kind a book out, has a new book out and she talks about the inner critic and she's like, I'm so tired of banish the ego. You can't. It's a part of you that's trying to get rid of a piece. What we want to do is learn to understand the ego and understand what it's trying to do to protect us, and not fight it.

00:31:29
Speaker 2: That's part. I love that because I have been labeled pretty egotistical, which whatever, and in sobriety. The whole baseline is we first have to silence the ego because it can be the downfall for a lot of things. I did not subscribe to that because I kind of like my ego.

00:31:55
Speaker 1: I want to understand your ego. I don't want to silence it, Okay, I want to get curious about it. It's like any of my parts, right, Like when I do the how old do I feel? Oh God, I feel like even when my partner will trigger me, they'll say, well, my partner said, no, right, like what's the trigger? Neutral action or inaction? Not that I said some of the other day. She's like this guy came and screamed at me and it triggered me. I was like, no, that's disrespect. That's not a trigger. That's somebody like in your fucking face. I'd bought him too, So trigger neutral action or inaction? I said something my partner. I was like, oh, babe, could we do something and you wouldn't know? And you just like walked off, not looking in a rude way. He's just like, nah, didn't want to, and I full on like dysregulation. I started sweating, I started hyperventilating, and all of a sudden, I'm saying that. I was like, ah, the pinch doesn't match the ouch, and I knew that now. The old me would have been like, what the fuck do you mean enraging him? And it said. What I did is I took the pause and I took him minute to breathe, and it came back and sup, how old do you feel? And I was like, why do I feel? Like I'm seven right now. And I was like, okay, what happened when I was seven? I was like, dad feels very dismissive. Like dad like he was very cold. Ah, that's it, just my dad. His famous thing is you could bring him. You could bring him a dissertation, you could bring him something that you've worked on for twenty years and he'll look at it and go and just walk off. And you're like, I've woooo what the fuck? So I felt deflated, and so when my partner walked back in the room, I said, hey, babe, can I share something with you? And he was like, yeah, what's going on? And I said, I love you, and please know that you didn't do anything wrong. You have every right to say no to me. When you said that, I got really triggered, and it made me feel like a child again. I felt like I was six. Reminded me of my dad, because my dad's kind of dick and would say this moving forward, could you just say no and maybe just give me a little bit more like no, maybe tomorrow. And he stopped and he was like, oh my god, that makes so much sense. He was like I know him, You're right. I have heard He's like, absolutely, babe, thank you for telling me what you need.

00:33:29
Speaker 2: I want that. Eh. It exists and the conversation, Like every time you listen to a therapist, dating expert, it's always communication is key, something so simple yet none of us can conquer it.

00:33:44
Speaker 1: It's communication and comprehension. It's not just communication. I can communicate with you, but if you're not comprehending.

00:33:49
Speaker 2: What I'm saying, it ain't shit right.

00:33:50
Speaker 1: I'll say this though. Do you know how I got this relationship? From day fucking one? I showed up like this first date. I even told him after we hooked up, I was like, by the way, think you're great and if you want to have a relationship, I was like, I'm down. You want to date me?

00:34:01
Speaker 2: Fuck?

00:34:01
Speaker 1: Yeah, I said, but do not call me if you want a booty call or a hook up. I was like, I don't do that. Asked him, how'd your last relationship and and what did it teach you about yourself? What does a healthy and secure relationship look like to you? How do you handle conflict? I was not afraid. I'd rather know that and see if he's emotionally available. Did wards and actions ALIGNE? Okay? He said boundaries, they were appropriate. I started to gauge and see that over time because I am the founder of the goddamn company hiring the CEO for my my fucking fortune five hundred. You better believe I'm gonna vet you.

00:34:28
Speaker 2: Oh I fucking love you.

00:34:29
Speaker 1: So it's about really shifting again. You have choices, you have control, you have power. You're not over them, no, no, no, no, over you.

00:34:36
Speaker 2: And I think with what you are saying, it is it's a little bit of a different dynamic when when you talk to women and it's always about well, what did you say me? It's the text that you said. That's why he's not responding. Ud Oh, don't even get me started on like the sexy time you have to bring a certain thing to the bedroom, or it's so much pressure on the woman to get the man and hold on that I'm like, I don't even fucking want you bad enough to like be someone that I'm not. I have real questions. I have a real life to protect and take care of. I have children. Like you said, I'm hiring the CEO of my fortune five hundred. I need to know what the fuck is up. I'm not sitting here gonna I'm not gonna spin the wheels on if I didn't give you a five second look instead of three, or I didn't, you know, clap my ass the way you wanted me to in the bedroom. Like, it's so much pressure all the fucking time.

00:35:36
Speaker 1: You play a game, you're gonna get a player, right, like you play the game. I love that you're gonna get people that are playing that with you. It's the same with love bombing, right when people like I don't get it. I'm so confused, and I get that I was her, but like, I don't get I'm so confused that this guy came on so strong and then completely bopped off after. And it's like, because it was what first of all, when you started a hundred, where the fuck are you gonna go?

00:35:56
Speaker 2: I know you started, everything's amazing. You're gonna let me down to that as well? Well, that's because that what does that mean about you? Right?

00:36:03
Speaker 1: Oh? They finally see me. Look, they finally And that's because that's when we have to stop and go, oh, that's the little girl being like, yay, they like me. I did a good job. But that's when we have to be the adult and go, hey, baby girl, actually we don't know who the fuck this person is. We're not just gonna give it away. I can't just trust these people. I got your back, Come over here, I'll protect us. And then that's when you, the adults show up and you're like, all right, so tell me who the fuck are you?

00:36:26
Speaker 2: Oh my god.

00:36:26
Speaker 1: I obsessed with all of this because for me, if I'm more scared, I was. I was not scared of losing other people because I was more scared of losing myself. Oh and I've already done that. I was in a shitty relationship. I married my father like it was. I was a shell of a human. I was, if you see me now twenty five pounds later, like I was to the point where people were like, hey, are you okay? Couldn't function and I he was just a reminded. He wasn't like my dad in the obvious, but how he treated me, how I felt. I felt dismissed, I felt small, I felt like I just everything I said was stupid. And if I can turn into this version of me who has confidence and boundaries and self assurance, who still mind you wakes up scared, who still fears that I'm gonna lose everything, Like I still have my stuff, but if I can turn into this and anybody can fucking do it, because it's not about like, oh well I shoty parents, I have anxious attachment. It's like, no, what you gonna do with it? You get a choice?

00:37:18
Speaker 2: Yeah, what do you think made you give your partner Ryan? When after the first night, when you were like, I'm not down, Like, what made you go back for a second date? Third date?

00:37:32
Speaker 1: My mom? Your mom, my mom? She had seen because I was dating too. I was dating him in this other guy.

00:37:38
Speaker 2: The other guy was other guy was dating app.

00:37:41
Speaker 1: Yeah, both of them were dating app. And the other guy was everything I'd always dated, Like the tall tattooed it could lick his six pack off with a fucking any it with a stick. I swear. He was so good looking. It was like kind of hard to look at him.

00:37:53
Speaker 2: Were you more into him strictly based off of the because that in the banter, I've become digmatized. Oh, very fucking, very fucking quick.

00:38:01
Speaker 1: That's why I had such with Ryan, because that was that's what happened. He has such a night and it was great. But with the other guy he was with the Banter, it was the type of thing and you want to go out for a drink and it's like six hours later and you're like crying at the table. You're laughing so much and you're like, Okay, I need to take a break. My jaw hurts. Yeah, it was.

00:38:17
Speaker 2: Two and not from the blow job.

00:38:19
Speaker 1: Yeah, I have a big distinction, and both are good, but I it was I had both of them, and I was Ryan and I had maybe gone on like four or five dates and me and this other guy had gone on like three, so it was very neck and neck, and both of them knew I was dating other people like I did not hide it. I was single, and I remember it like because Ryan kept asking me out. My Mom's like, just go come on, give the guy and try. He's a really good guy. He's really trying. And I was like, all right, fine, I'll see what it feels like to receive healthy love. And I was honest with him throughout it of like, hey, I don't really know you very well, like I want to go slow, let's see if we have something here. The other guy was going through a shit to on of mental health and I wanted to fix it. And it wasn't until he came to me and like he told me, he was like, I'm having thoughts of taking my life and I was like, I need to be honest with you. I was like, I can't support you through that. I don't know how to. I'm like, I don't know you well enough. And he decided, He's like, I think I need to go to therapy and I need to do that. And that's when I realized, like I need to focus on somebody who is not a project I need. And it's not again, anyone listening. This is not that I abandoned somebody while they're having a mental health issue. This is that we have three dates I didn't even have, like we made out once. I don't know this person well enough to support him through this type of thing. And he didn't want it right. He was very honest of like, hey, you don't need to do this, like we don't know each other well enough. And I had to make a determination in that moment that I have to go with somebody that could be there for me now and not hoping on the future. And the other guy has messaged me recently and he was like, by the way, I want to thank you, and he was like, you really convinced me to go get help.

00:39:39
Speaker 2: Wow.

00:39:39
Speaker 1: And I finally actually like feel like I'm in my own body and feel good. And I was like, fuck, yeah, man.

00:39:43
Speaker 2: Wow, get it. It was like that you were I don't know if you believe in the universe, but it's that you guys came into each other's lives for that purpose, and.

00:39:51
Speaker 1: I believe in that. And that's how I was able to let him go. And for a while I fought myself on it. I was like, man, but a kid stopped thinking of him, and until'd be with Ryan, I'm like, you're such a dick. Why are you doing this, stupid brain? And then I stopped one day and I was like, I'm gonna try something instead of stopping, instead of trying to tell myself, God, stop thinking about it, get over it, move on. I mean a lot. Okay, So when I think about him midbook, okay, yeah, he was really cool, and like I just I allowed it because here's a fun science. Joe Bolt Taylor's and neuroscientists came out that it takes ninety seconds for an emotion to run its course, So ninety seconds if you right now got angry, and I said, sit with it for ninety seconds, the emotion would be able to pass.

00:40:29
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I'm using my timer on my phone.

00:40:32
Speaker 1: So the reason I say thank you, The reason that you want to use your timer is because what happens is when you put it on, when you're in one part of your brain, when the timer goes off, it automatically turns your prefrontal cortex onto focus, so you break the loop of what you were just.

00:40:45
Speaker 2: On the loop.

00:40:47
Speaker 1: So my tip is put your phone for three minutes. Okay, sit your ass down and just sit with the emotion. And what does that mean? I said, I'm sad right now? Okay, there's no narrative right anytime? Is why am I said?

00:40:57
Speaker 2: No?

00:40:57
Speaker 1: No, no, I didn't ask you why I'm sad. I want to sit with I'm sad. I allow it. I sit with it. And then if it's where do I feel that in my body?

00:41:03
Speaker 2: Oh?

00:41:03
Speaker 1: I feel that in my chest?

00:41:04
Speaker 2: Okay?

00:41:04
Speaker 1: What does it feel like? God, it feels like a swarm of bees?

00:41:06
Speaker 2: Oh?

00:41:06
Speaker 1: Are they moving fast or slow?

00:41:08
Speaker 2: Right?

00:41:08
Speaker 1: I sit with the emotion? Oh, they're really fast right now? Okay? Can I breathe into them? Three minutes? Three minutes such o'clock for three minutes clock goes off. I will put all of the money I made this year good amount that at the end of it, you'll go, oh, it doesn't feel as intense.

00:41:22
Speaker 2: Wow, I am so implementing that into my hourly life.

00:41:27
Speaker 1: Try it, Try it, I swear is the type of thing when you feel it, allow yourself to process the emotion, and then after then you can start to say, Okay, well came up for me? Where did I feel? How old did I feel? What was coming up? Where did I go? Then you can start to understand the narrative. The story I created is right, he didn't text me. I had a panic attack. There's a lot of space in between that. What's the story that I created? He didn't text me because he isn't like me. Okay, I don't have any facts to back that up. No, I'm feeling insecure right now. Okay, that's really what this is, and hoping that he can validate me.

00:41:54
Speaker 2: But how do you feel about the the whole? Like when I watched he's just not that into you. I was very young when that came out. It's not very young, but I wasn't. I certainly wasn't out here trying to find.

00:42:08
Speaker 1: My life partner. We're the same age, so the same and I was.

00:42:11
Speaker 2: I loved it because all the conversations that you have with girlfriends, it just like it was perfectly presented right where it's like, we don't need to sit here for hours and figure out what this text means, or the lack of text, what that means. He doesn't he's not fucking into you. How do you get your like, how do you get your brain to just go okay, we're good with that and we're moving on rather than obsessing over Maybe it was the way that I did this. Maybe he didn't like the way that I slept. You go down that path of you did something wrong.

00:42:49
Speaker 1: Because that's your core belief, same with me. When you go down that path, what happens is your prefrontal core text the front part of your brain, and then we have the amygdala super far from each other, which is the bullshit. What happens is when you get ysregularly, so the text didn't come through right, your body sees panic. Now there's no tiger, there's no bear, there's a cell phone, same thing. But our brains are just not We're not wired for this shit. And or I'll at least to be able to handle all the technology. And so when you're in your front prefrontal cortex, and that's decision making common sense. So that's where we can logically go, you know what, maybe this isn't for me, and right, we can sit there and talk. When you're a migdala comes on and your prefrontal cortex shots off, you get disregulated, you go back to being six because your amgdala stopped growing at six, and it's the fear center, and that's what holds on to emotions and fear. So that's why you're like, God, I feel like I'm gonna I feel like my heart's gonna come out of my chest. Your body cannot differentiate physical from emotional pain. It feels the same, so it triggers the same response of she needs to be safe. So what we want to do is turn your prefrontal cortex back on. Okay, and so that is regulating your nervous system. That could be okay. I'm like for me, I know I'm disregulated because I have certain body sensations. My shoulders tense up, my jaw starts to tighten, I start to sweat, I get this wave of heat. I already know I'm not in my frontal brain, so I'm I might maybe just sit up straight, take a deep breath if I have too much energy, like I feel like I'm gonna fucking go crazy, Like I had a troll that said something mean to me on the internet ones I fought it. I literally punched the air for like a minute. I was like, okay, all right, I'm good, I'm safe. You have to tell you because your body doesn't know what to do with that energy. And if you were in the jungle, it would run, you would keep yourself safe. But unfortunately you're sitting at home with some show that didn't answer you. How are we going to do that? Maybe that means going for a quick walk, bilateral movements and being able to use both sort like you know, your feet moving and using your five four, three, two one five things. I can see, four things, I can touch, three things, I can write. There's different tools, yes, that we can tap into. But I will tell a quick story for all of my girls that want to sit here and talk about texting. I was the school of thought. I if he doesn't text you every day, isn't like you? That was I wrote the book on that I was like, no, no, no, I'm telling you. If you go on a date, Andy text you after he's into you, and if he doesn't, that means doesn't like you. Black and white thinking ok good bad. And the guy right before Ryan text me every day. We'd keep little nicknames in each other and our phone like we were doing that wildly emotionally unavailable. And when I met Ryan, not a big text and he was honest. He was like, I'm not doing this shit. And I was like, eh, now I'll change that. Yeah, No, I didn't. Was he a caller ish, so like we'd go like two days, wouldn't hear from him. But we always had plans, consistently had plans like after when we hooked up and I left the next morning, or I left that night, sorry the next morning. I didn't hear from him the night we barted ways and I that was it, Like we just didn't talk. And so I woke up and I was like, this guy's not let into me. And so later in the day when he text and he said, you know, blah blah, I'm put my phone down, but are you free Friday? And I was like, oh, yeah, okay, that sounds good. Fine, That was how we dated. It would be make a plan and then he'd build up. Maybe a day or two would go by, he would confirm the day hate I can't wait to see you Friday. But that was it, maybe like a month into dating. Every date I saw it as first date to see if I want a second, second, just to see if I want to have a third. I'm not trying to see if this is the love of my life. I just want to see if I want to see this person again. And I text him and he was said like, hey, you know, how's your day? Blah blah.

00:45:54
Speaker 2: I txt him. I was like good.

00:45:54
Speaker 1: I said, you know, hey, Can I be honest, I'd love more texting in between our dates to feel more connected to you. Are you open to that? And he wrote, I'm going to quickly say no, but let me explain. And he said, I werek in tech and I stare at a screen for nine to ten hours a day. The last thing I want to do when I'm done with that is take out a mini screen and stare in my hand, try to build a connection with somebody when I want to be present with my dog and my friends. If you're open to it, I'd love to schedule consistent dates with you. I'm happy to call you or do a FaceTime, but I'm telling you right now I'm not engaging in this texting bullshit. Let me know if that works for you, and if not, I completely respect her to say what fuck? And I was like a panty's dropped. I was like fuck yeah, man. I was like, that is because that's what I meant. It's not that I was scared to approach him. No, no, no no. And he said he's like, I've had women that.

00:46:35
Speaker 2: Are like fuck yeah, blah blah.

00:46:37
Speaker 1: And he's like, okay, cool, no worries, like this doesn't work for you. But when he set that boundary of here's what I'm comfortable with. And to this day, he will never listen to a voice note. He thinks I'm being rude if I send one, will not We'll not do it. Won't do it. He thinks I'm fucking attacking him. If I call him, it's oh god. He hates his phone, he hates being on it.

00:46:55
Speaker 2: I relate to that. Why yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:46:58
Speaker 1: But you see what I mean. I would have ended it with him the first date. If I was like, fuck this guy, he didn't text me. It's not about the text, it's what the text signifies. Let me guess the narrative I've created. He didn't text me. What does that mean? That doesn't like me?

00:47:10
Speaker 2: Uh? Every dude that has texted me every single day has been such a fucking letdown.

00:47:17
Speaker 1: Because it's a false sense of intimacy.

00:47:18
Speaker 2: There also, get a fucking job, get a life. How do you have so much time to text me.

00:47:23
Speaker 1: Good morning beautiful? That could be automated? Hey, to break it? Do you? I had wondered, I'll never forget. I wonder I was sleeping with and he texts a girl fucking next to me good morning, And I was like, you were aging piece of shit, But kudo's good for you. Keep that girl on because you're not coming back here.

00:47:35
Speaker 2: Yeah, right, you met her? Cure on because I'm never coming back.

00:47:39
Speaker 1: That's it, it can be. It's and again I have talked to him plenty of dudes. I met the guy I did before Ryan. I asked him, I said, why were you so like? What was it about like texting me every day? And he looked at me straight in the eyes and goes, do you not think that I know what a woman wants? And I was like, that is so true.

00:47:54
Speaker 2: They all know we're so fucking I'm sorry, but are they stupid?

00:47:57
Speaker 1: Like they're not dumb. They're like, oh, girl wants me to text her every day, and it's like, not every guy's gonna do that. Like there are men like Ryan that are like, I'm not doing this. I'm gonna stay true to myself. The reason we're in the relationship we have right now, the reason we have these hard conversations we always have. I was not afraid to lose him. I was more afraid to lose myself.

00:48:13
Speaker 2: I'm taking that with me because I have lost myself and I feel for like, when we're talking about dating and being out there in that capacity and being intimate with the opposite sex, for me, it immediately takes me to a place that I don't trust you. I don't trust you yet. But if we're talking about just my everyday life, I am fulfilled and present and I feel like we've done it. You know, someone said to me the other day, like, are you dating? And I said, not right now. I'm just not open to it. I have kids. You know you should do it now because your kids aren't gonna remember that you went on a date. I said, but I'll remember that I left them, Like, I know they're sleeping, but I want to know that I'm here with them. She says, I know, but you need to be happy too, And I'm like, but I.

00:49:10
Speaker 1: Am who said I wasn't.

00:49:11
Speaker 2: We're there, so why go chase something. Although I'm open to it, I'm not saying that I'm not going to be out there because we're there. I'm happy. I love companionship, I love I'm not the type of person that needs to go and sleep with a lot of different men. I want to show up and choose you every single day, and you're one hundred percent, I'm one hundred percent. We're equally two hundred percent. I know that I will find that one day. I think it's getting back on the horse that is the most terrifying. It's like working out. You haven't worked out for a really long time, and the thought of it is terrifying, and then you do it and you're like, oh my god, I'm doing it again, and then it just becomes normal.

00:49:54
Speaker 1: And also do because when you're single, you're not being triggered. Nothing will trigger you, like to dynamics. Even if you had a great childhood. Like a romantic relationship with friends, you get to leave right you're not with them all the time. Yes, there's no one that sees every nook and cranny like a romantic relationship. So that's why we feel like it's easier stay single. It's like, no, you're not growing. I look at triggers as a challenge accepted. When I get triggered, I'm not like that's it. I mean I wanted to. But instead what I look at is like, how can I evolve and grow from this? So as you're dating, once you get back on the horse, like working out, I hate it. Nobody wants to go sit there and do hip thrust. They fucking suck. But when that peach is juicy after, it's worth the squeeze.

00:50:32
Speaker 2: Oh worth it.

00:50:33
Speaker 1: It's so worth it. It's the same with dating, and that's where we have to look and say, Okay, what are my boundaries right? What am I willing and not willing? So if I go in, what are my non negotiables? My non negotiables we need to be. You need to be over your ex. I'm not dealing with this bullshit. My other non negotiable like I'm not your friend. Yes, I am your partner. I'm your friend, but I'm not your friend in the sense where I'm like, hey, buddy, old pal, Like it's okay, No, I'm not going to leave you for three four weeks and then come back. It's like, I'm your partner, I'm your equal. Treat me as such, okay. Consistency. Consistency doesn't mean that you text me every day at the same time. Are words and actions aligning? If I say I'm gonna call you, do you call? If I say I'll see you Friday, do I see you Friday? Or do you cancel a reschedule? Accordingly? Do I trust? Because consistency breeds reliability, which breeds trust. That's how you'll start to trust peoples when they're consistent with you. Are they reciprocal? I'm serving and you're serving it?

00:51:17
Speaker 2: Right?

00:51:17
Speaker 1: I text you, you text me you're bad. It's not me fucking serving the ball a thousand times to get your attention or vice versa. How are we showing up? What boundaries do I have in place to protect myself? Because it's about me taking care of me. No one is going to show up for me like I will, right, and no one is going to protect you like you will.

00:51:33
Speaker 2: I get a way for you to hook me up with someone me too, And you're a fucking badass. I like your approach to dating, and I like your approach because I feel like it's very now. I've spoken to dating experts, but I feel like it's very antiquated.

00:51:50
Speaker 1: Yeah, don't wait three dates to text and don't you said girls one the coach on TikTok that says don't sleepless, don't kiss someone for three fucking months.

00:51:57
Speaker 2: I've seen all of these because it actually is taking me back to what you said playing the game and you're going to attract a player, which is literally I have been there, I've done that. Like I'm a thirty almost five year old woman like you will hear me roar right time for that. I don't have time for it. And so you and I offline are going to connect because I have a good feeling about this. Yeah, thank you so much for being on my podcast. Thank you for having me you guys, thank you so much for listening to another episode of the Give Them La La Podcast. Where can we find You Sabrina.

00:52:29
Speaker 1: Sabrina dot Zohar. TikTok still exists, and The Zoar Show on Instagram and YouTube and the Spotify Apple if you wanted to hear me talk to a camera for thirty five minutes. I give a lot of tough love.

00:52:40
Speaker 2: We do, Yeah, we do. I can tell you that right now. Thank you, guys. I will catch you guys on Monday for a bonus and Wednesday for a regular old episode. Bye.