232 | Session Savvy: Avoiding a Common Choice-Giving Mistake in Child-Centered Play Therapy

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi,

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I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode,

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we are doing another Session Savvy series,

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and in this one,

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it is about the phrasing of choices.

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So we're gonna dive into that in just a second,

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but I want to make you all aware of something.

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From the 17th through the 27th of November,

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I am going to be in Australia

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and therefore I am pre-recording these podcasts before I leave.

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So for those two weeks,

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which are

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basically the,

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the week of Thanksgiving and the week before that in the states,

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I'm only recording two podcasts,

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so I'm going back to my Tuesday,

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Thursday schedule.

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I know y'all have gotten spoiled

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and you're used to 4 or 5 podcasts a week,

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but because I'm pre-recording these,

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you will have Tuesday and Thursday podcasts for the

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2 weeks that I will be in Australia.

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So don't

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be concerned,

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don't email me and think that there's something wrong.

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I'm just pre-recording and I'm in Australia.

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So

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really excited to present there.

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So let's dive into this.

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Typically,

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let me share some backstory first.

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Typically,

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we've spent a lot of time talking about the way that we

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phrase choice giving.

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It is extremely important that the word choose.

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Is included in our choices.

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So if it is an empowerment choice,

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it is you can choose A or you can choose B,

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which do you choose?

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Notice that

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I said choose 3 times.

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If it is an ultimate choice related

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to enforcement choices in an ultimate limit setting

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opportunity,

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you're going to say

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if you choose A,

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then you choose B,

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if you choose C,

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then you choose D,

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which do you choose?

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In that case,

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I said choose 5 times

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and A and B are are correlated for.

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Self enhancing choice and self-enhancing outcome,

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and then C and D are.

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Self-defeating

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choice and self-defeating outcome.

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So positive and negative,

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which do you choose?

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So we've talked a lot about that,

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and

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I,

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that's not actually what this is about.

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I just wanted to make it very clear

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that when we talk about choice giving,

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saying the word choose either 3 times or 5 times,

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depending on what's going on

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and why you're setting the limit and in what context

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and giving the choice.

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You are

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going to use the word choose,

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but here's the Session Savvy topic.

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What I'm seeing in a lot of play sessions lately

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is therapists are saying things like,

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do you want to choose?

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or would you like to choose?

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Or do you think you'll choose?

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And now we have a whole other topic to discuss.

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So

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here's where we need to be really careful.

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You can choose is the only phrase

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for choice giving.

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Because do you want to choose?

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Is a question

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Do you think you'll choose is a question.

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Would you like to choose is a question.

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And all three of those

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questions

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can be answered with no.

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No,

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I don't want to choose.

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No,

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I don't like to choose,

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and no,

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I don't think I will.

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And then you're in a pickle, to use a baseball reference.

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So

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here's why this matters.

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Well,

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we know language matters.

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Let's start there.

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The CCPT way is that every word,

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every skill,

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every phrase is intentional.

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There's purpose behind it.

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There is theory

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at its foundation.

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And so,

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every response and phrase that we use in a play session

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is with forethought.

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So even if we're saying the word choose in choices,

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if we're saying do you want to choose or would

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you like to choose or do you think you'll choose?

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It's a completely different outcome

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because what we're doing when we say you can choose A or you can choose B,

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which do you choose?

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It's very clear.

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I am setting the parameters around this choice and

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then I'm giving you a measure of power.

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And here's what that does.

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It means that you establish the boundaries.

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But then the child is empowered

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to have a measure of control,

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some decision making

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as part of the process.

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So essentially what's happening is,

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you are OK with the choices you're providing.

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The child will choose which one he or she is most OK with.

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And then all of a sudden

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it is

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collaborative in nature.

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I am OK with either choice that was offered,

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child chooses the one that they prefer.

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And

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then child feels empowered,

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therapist feels that they're able to set parameters in place.

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Now,

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if it's an empowerment choice,

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you can choose A or you can choose B,

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which do you choose?

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That is,

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I'm OK with either one.

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And now,

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child,

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you get the opportunity to just feel what it feels like to make a decision.

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And notice when it's you can choose or you can choose.

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There's no insecurity in it.

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There's no opportunity for the child to say no because it's not a question.

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These are the options.

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And inevitably the question is,

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well,

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what if a child says,

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no,

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I want to do this instead.

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Well,

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you have one of two options.

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You either

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say,

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You really wish that you could choose C,

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but that's not part of the choice.

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The choices are,

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you can choose A or you can choose B,

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which do you choose?

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So we reflect the feeling,

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we acknowledge what they would really like.

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We're essentially setting a limit,

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if you will.

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But the choices are,

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you can choose A or you can choose B.

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Now,

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that is if what the child says they want to do does not comply

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with

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what was presented.

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However,

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and this is kind of 401,

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so I,

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I'm taking you on a bonus freebie journey here.

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When we give choices,

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If a child chooses

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something else,

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but it complies with the limit.

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In other words,

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let me give you a scenario.

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It makes it easier when I

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talk in specifics.

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So,

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child is

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throwing.

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A really hard ball at the wall,

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and it's shaking the whole building.

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And

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You're concerned that the colleagues next door are going to get really angry at you.

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That's a topic for another day because you shouldn't be concerned about that.

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And there's ways to handle that,

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but I don't have time to get into that today.

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I'll make a note.

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So

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the child is throwing a really hard ball at a wall.

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It's making all kinds of noise.

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So you say

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you're really enjoying throwing the ball,

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but the ball is not for throwing the wall at because it's shaking

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the wall and there's other people on the other side of the wall.

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You can choose to throw the ball on the floor,

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or you can choose to throw the ball

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on the beanbag,

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which do you choose?

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And if the child says.

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No,

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I wanna throw it at Bobo.

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If you want to really be a stickler for choice giving,

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uh,

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a green therapist,

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a new to CCPT therapist might say,

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oh,

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you would like to throw it at Bobo,

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but that's not part of the choice.

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But hold on a minute.

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The limit was the wall is not for throwing the ball at.

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So if the child found something else that they're choosing to throw the ball at,

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and it's not going to be loud and shake the whole office,

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that's creative problem solving.

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So we would say,

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you chose to throw it at Bobo

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because you know that won't shake the walls.

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You give the child credit for solving the problem in a creative way.

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So that was just a little bonus freebie.

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You got to get an extra little tip on this one.

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But let's go back to the Session Savvy topic.

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Just because you use the word choose,

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if you change the phrasing,

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it's also not effective.

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That's essentially like saying do you want or you can have.

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You can have this or you can have this,

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or do you want this or do you want that?

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That's not a choice.

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And do you want to choose,

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would you like to choose?

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Those are questions,

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that's also not a choice.

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So be really careful that it's you can choose A or you can choose B.

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And at my center,

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my therapist and my office manager love to hashtag all

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of my idioms and all the things that I say.

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And they are always thinking about bumper stickers and

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t-shirts and how we're going to have CCPT merch,

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as they call it,

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one of these days,

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y'all.

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But

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one of them wrote

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#IYCTYCIYCTYC,

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WDYC,

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I really can't even do that in my head.

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But essentially shortening into an acronym,

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if you choose then you choose,

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if you choose,

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then you choose which do you choose.

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And that is something that I found a little humorous,

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but at the same time,

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there's a process for choice giving on purpose.

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So don't change what is already part of CCPT.

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It's just very simple.

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You can choose this or you can choose this,

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which do you choose?

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Or

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if you choose this,

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then you choose this,

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if you choose this,

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then you choose this,

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which do you choose?

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Don't add anything else in,

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don't take anything away.

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Use that formula exclusively,

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and you will be Session Savvy.

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All right,

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y'all.

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I love you.

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We'll talk again soon.

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Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr.

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Brenna Hicks.

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For more episodes and resources,

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please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.