128. When it's time to walk away from a relationship

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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here. Back for another episode, back for another topic. Before we get started today, I just wanted to let you guys know that I have a Patreon and I would really appreciate if you considered supporting the show. It is just me on this end of the microphone writing our episodes, researching them, recording them, editing them, and it's a lot of work, so I really appreciate all the added support, additional support that you lovely listeners am my amazing psychology community choose to contribute, so have a look over there for bonus content, transcripts, early access to episodes, and so much more. And as always, if you have an episode suggestion or just any ideas on what we're discussing, any of your own thoughts or inputs, you can DM me at that Psychology Podcast. But back to the episode, we are going pretty deep today. We are bearing all with possibly one of the hardest questions I think we have to ask ourselves in a relationship, when we know it isn't working, When is it time to walk away? When do we know that it's over? I know this is a question that can haunt a lot of us, maybe has haunted us in the past, especially when we don't want to let go, but we know that we should. We know that there are really valid reasons behind this got instinct that we're having. So what I really want to do is use this episode to provide some of the psychology and the research that indicates when and why certain relationships don't work, what keeps us holding on, and the reasons we ignore those warning signs or the reasons we ignore reasons to leave, not just bad but also some of the more neutral reasons, like just not feeling fulfilled or happy. I think ultimately, our twenties are not meant to be spent worrying if someone is right for us or it should not be spent I guess in a relationship that is shrouded in doubt. So if that is you right now, firstly, my heart goes out to you, but I also hope that this episode gives you the guidance that you're looking for at this kind of fork in the road. Like I said before, I think the reason I really wanted to tackle this topic today is because I think one of the hardest dilemmas we have to face is whether to walk away from someone you still love because you know the relationship isn't right for you, because you know you deserve more, or you are just at your core not happy. And that decision, or even that line of questioning, that doubt, it can come up for a lot of reasons. Maybe the passion isn't there anymore, there's a lack of effort, you're growing apart, you have different futures, you're fighting all the time, and then again also things that are more insidious, like cheating or emotional and physical abuse. But I also think, and I saw someone say something very similar to this the other day, and I couldn't agree more. Your relationship doesn't have to be toxic. Your partner does not have to be terrible or be a bad person for you to want to leave. It doesn't have to be a relationship that is marked by fights or even abuse or irreconcilable differences. It can just be unfulfilling. You can just be wanting more, and I think just being unhappy or exhausted is a valid reason if this isn't what you want, if you know that you're drained or unsatisfied. You don't have to stay with someone just because you have a history, or because they treat you really well, or you have your family or friend's approval for this person in your life. That's something that I think keeps us very stuck. We think there needs to be some problem or some fault for us to end things. But really, at the end of the day, it's your life. This is your time. These are your days to prioritize your well being. And you don't want to look back in ten years time, in a year's time and realize that you wasted time being with perhaps the wrong person, just because you are maybe scared to upset others or maybe just scared of being lonely. Please please, from me to you, do not waste the best years of your life on someone who isn't right for you. That is something that you will regret. As someone who has been there, done that, got the T shirt, and who still does see all the good in my previous relationships and all the amazing growth that they've given me, I still wish time and time again that I had left earlier. Basically, what I'm trying to communicate is that there can be a myriad of reasons, but in that moment, what you're going through is going to feel so deeply personal and conflicting. I think often we can also feel stuck in kind of what we would call a processing loop or a thought spiral to end things or not, and contemplating what that might mean for us, How will we move forward, what next? Where do you go from here? It's this concept of the what ifs that I think really haunt us. What if things just get better? What if I make a mistake by making this decision? What if I hurt this person? And a bit one is what if I leave them and they treat the next person exactly how I wanted to be treated. That's a really big one for a lot of us. Knowing that this individual who you might still love will inevitably at some stage no longer be part of your life and will probably find someone you live a life without you, And I think that's something that we can't cope with. That uncertainty, that unknowing. We never enter into a relationship thinking that it's going to end. These what if thoughts, they can become quite intrusive and result in a lot of overall anxiety, things like trouble falling asleep, having a hard time concentrating because you are weighing up every answer, or maybe you also just wait patiently for things to change. You know, deep down in your gut, at the core of your intuition, you know what you need to do. That is a reminder that I want you to take from this today. There is always some impulse, some fear that holds us back. And here's the thing I think sometimes we think that intuition is not a particularly scientific, valid, reliable concept or idea, But there is a growing body of evidence that suggests that humans are born with this very basic emotionally intuitive ability, this ability to immediately respond to something that is highly emotionally potent or arousing, and we respond with a decision or an interpretation that is correct. We know what is right and wrong even without thinking about it, you know, thoroughly, even without contemplating every single option. You know, for example, watching your partner across the room talking to your friends and realizing that they're not the one that got instinct can be correct because the stomach and the heart, they contain a significant amount of neural tissue, and that neural tissue is connected to the brain. It's called the gut brain and heart brain axis. And we know that neurotransmitters and hormones like dopamine and serotonin, they will influence cognitive processes, and they will influence our decision making and our emotions, and those biochemical signals also contribute to our intuitive responses. Basically, sometimes you are correct to trust your gut when it comes to things like this. I also want to make the final point that your twenties are not the time to be in a relationship that is not fulfilling you, or that is just incredibly hard work or putting your wellbeing or your other relationships, your friendships understrain. That time for self sacrificing and that level of commitment. It will come, it will come one day, But right now, I think if you have doubts, that is a huge warning sign, and it's a that you already know what your answer is to that question when is it time to walk away? So let's also break down some of the other key reasons or indicators after this short break. So I want to outline how we know when it's time to walk away. If you have your doubts or a gut instinct that this relationship is not right for you, Hopefully some of these reasons can confirm or maybe deny your intuition. Firstly, if you just don't love them anymore and that connection is gone, the things that you used to adore about them no longer make you excited or passionate or interested, I think that is a huge indicator. Love is sometimes a bit of a fickle emotion, and obviously it's impossible to be in the active state of love all the time. A reaction an emotion like this, I don't think it can be sustained at that level of intensity for so long. But it's about more so those quiet moments when you sit and think about your partner, when you pause and you focus on all the things you like about them, your shared memories. Do you still love them in that moment? Do you still love them? Do they make you feel happy and special and warm, or have they kind of just become a secondary character in your life? An acquaintance. There's two things I want to say about this point though. Firstly, I think love is something I do think that we can work on. But the question to ask yourself is is that really the kind of work that you're willing to do right now? And I think that's a question I can't answer for you. That is entirely personal. Are you willing to make efforts to fall back in love with your partner? I also think that you can still deeply love someone and know that the relationship isn't right for the both of you. Love is kind of seen as this very irrational for many reasons, and I think this is one of them. You can love someone and still know that the conditions of your relationship are not what you want them to be. You can still be annoyed by their actions, or feel the attraction fading, or just know that it's not going to make you happier for much longer. You know that you deserve better. Sometimes also, the things that we initially really loved and adored about someone can come to be the reason that we fall out of love. It's this idea known as fatal attraction theory, and what it argues is that what attracts us to your partner in the first place is often the reason that the relationship ends. So they've done a few studies on this. In one of them, a researcher recruited I think around three hundred university students and she asked them to list the qualities that attracted them to their former partner, and then they were asked to list the qualities in their partner that led to the breakup. She found that thirty percent in thirty percent of those cases, those traits were the exact same ones. And some of the common ones were being with someone who is initially really fun and spontaneous, but in the long run, as you think about the future, what it sometimes means is that they really can't take anything seriously, or they're very unpredictable, or maybe you are seeking a partner who seems really strong and assertive, but that can become quite uncompromising or authoritarian. Our perception of these character traits the ones that we desire in a partner. They will change over time, especially as we mature, and we also change as people, and that is why we can sometimes fall out of love with the person that we once adored. And that's really okay, that's really natural, especially when we are young, especially when like most of us, we are in our twenties, and it kind of goes without saying that a lot of us don't really know what we're looking for yet. I think a big tell that this has potentially occurred in your relationship is if you no longer want to spend time with your person. Common interests and a desire to spend time together. They are some of the main predictors of the success of a relationship in the long term, and often one of the most important factors that is going to indicate just a basic underlying attraction or longevity of the relationship. So if that drive towards each other has faded, maybe you find yourself preferring to spend time with your friends, or constantly postponing date nights or spending time together because you don't really want to see them. I think that's a very clear indicator that perhaps your time together has come to an end. Secondly, another big reason is if you no longer care what you're fighting about or what you're fighting for. My mum always said to me, you know the relationship is on the rocks when you no longer feel the need to invest in soul an argument when you are just resigned to the conflict, because I think this indicates that you don't care about the future of the relationship. Unconsciously, deep down, you kind of know it's not worth the energy of a fight. I think that the occasional disagreement or argument is actually pretty healthy because it shows that you both care, You have kept your own individual opinions, you have your own emotional lives. And I obviously do not mean fights that are hurtful or turn emotionally or even physically abusive. But in every relationship, even friendships, you're not going to be one hundred percent aligned on everything, and so sometimes it's good to get that out there and to agree to meet each other in that space of temporary conflict or disagreement. There's actually this concept. I'm not sure if I'm a fan of it, but I'm going to talk about it anyways. It was termed by this man called Terry Reels normal matrimonial hatred, And I know that sounds really intense, but basically the premise is that every relationship is a reflection of the spectrum of emotions that we are going to feel as individuals, and sometimes that spectrum is going to involve things like anger or frustration or even hatred, and so being able to express those freely but in a healthy way, one in which you're both invested in coming to a solution or helping the other person is really, really valuable. And maybe this is controversial, but like I said, it's healthy to sometimes feel anger or frustration towards your partner, obviously not to an irreparable degree. And I think when you can't even be bothered to argue or be bothered to fix those things, you just feel apathy, I think that is a sign that it's time to walk away from your relationship. Thirdly, if being with them is going to or is currently taking you away from your own life or your own dreams rather than elevating them, I personally think it's time to leave now. I think this is particularly important for those of us in our twenties, because it is during this decade that we must be in the business of cultivating our own independent lives. Your dreams, your goals, your ambitions. Cannot wait for anyone, especially not for someone you're not one hundred percent sure of, because you risk throwing out some of the best years of your life, regretting some of the decisions you didn't make for a person who may one day just be a stranger. If they are making you feel terrible about yourself or they are keeping you from doing something you've always dreamed of, I don't think that's it. For example, you know, if you have an amazing job offered to move overseas or to a new city, it's your dream job, but the person you're with doesn't want to move or doesn't want to do long distance and they're asking you to stay. I think it's your duty to take that job, no matter what they try and say. It is your duty to claim your independence and your own dreams and really just do what's best for you, to kind of protect and be selfish with your golden years. And I know that that is going to be a very hard decision. I know that saying that and doing it is a completely different thing. But this is your foundation. These are your experiences, the ones that you will hopefully recount for the rest of your life, the ones that will transform your identity. And I really do believe that you need the right person by your side in those moments, who is willing to encourage you and be your biggest cheerleader. I also think the best side of a healthy partner is someone who wants good things for you more than you do, who is going to inspire you to take risks and follow your dreams, knowing that it might not be what's best for them, but it's going to be what's best for you because they are equally as invested in your future. Also, you know, if this person is your soulmate, not only will they a want what's best for you, but who knows, maybe you will end up together in the future. Maybe you'll come back together. I've seen this happen with friends of mine who have broken up with their partners because of big life changes, different goals, and they've come back together later on a few years down the track when they realized that they wanted this person in their future and they were willing to make it work. But I don't think it should require such an intense, excessive degree of self sacrifice. I think this regard for the future, your future, their future. It really links to the next reason your values and your plans for the future don't align. I think sometimes when we are dating in our twenties, we feel like we are going to be young and care free forever and that we have all the time in the world, that time is infinite. And maybe it's because I'm now in a relationship with someone wonderful where thinking about the future does not make me want to throw up, and I feel that we are very aligned on some core things. But that has really made me have this renewed belief in the fact that compatibility is more than just physical chemistry. You also need to have very core shared values and be openly able to communicate about what that means for the future, not just for your future as an individual, but as a couple, especially if things are kind of getting to that point of getting pretty serious, if that vision is completely different, if they want kids and you want to go in solo travel and those experiences are both core to your own beliefs and in ava values, I don't think any amount of wishful thinking is going to change either of your minds. It's something I'm learning the older I get. You cannot change someone through love. You just have to accept them for who they are and hope they accept you as well, and hope that it's a fit. Loving them more needing them more will not alter what might be an ugly truth that deep down you know that you are just different and if one of you has to give up, perhaps what is a huge life goal that can at times foster a lot of resentment that may eventually erode your relationship in the future. It's going to be a hard conversation, but I think you both deserve to be with someone who wants the same things, or maybe just be alone to fulfill some of those lifelong dreams that you honestly owe it to yourself to complete if you are trying too hard now. I think there are two schools of thoughts when it comes to relationships and this dimension of them. One is that they should be easy, that they should feel easy and safe. They shouldn't be hard work, they shouldn't be a struggle. And the second school of thought is that relationships require work. Like anything else in life. You need to be invested and kind of willing to put in the miles regardless of what you think. I personally think neither is wrong, neither is right. You should not be the only one putting in effort or trying too hard to cling onto the relationship. If they don't make you feel special, if they are not putting in the time, if they are taking you for granted, that is not it, That is not it. It's this very core relationship principle in psychology known as reciprocity. Each partner has to give back what the other one is putting in. And when that becomes unbalanced, I think we begin to feel really unappreciated, feel the foundation kind of crumbling, like we are constantly exhausted from that mental domestic emotional load. The mental load is a really interesting concept here, and it properly deserves its own episode. But essentially, it's this idea that one partner, and it's normally the woman takes on a lot of the emotional and mental effort of being responsible for thinking about, planning, organizing all parts of the relationship and your life together. You are the one organizing dates, You're the one organizing weekend plans, what you're going to eat for dinner, where you're going to travel to and whilst some people really enjoy this, for others and I would say for most of us, we want a partnership from our partner. We want to be able to rely on them when we're tied, when we have a lot to do, when we have a lot going on, and if you have communicated that to them, and you've communicated what you need, what you want, and they have been uncompromising, unwilling to offer you that, not investing as much as you are. I think that requires a really hard look at the future of that relationship. One thing you should keep in mind is this idea in psychology known as equity theory, and it was first proposed in the eighties and it's often used to understand relationship breakdown and even at times things like infidelity or cheating. Our relationships last when we believe that the relationship is equitable and fair and that the distribution of labor and investment is also equal. The longer that that becomes unbalanced, the more the resentment builds, the more we are likely, as this research says, to do things that perhaps undermine our relationship or look for a way out. Also, if you are at this point, if you relate to this, ask yourself, do you want to spend your twenties being someone's parent, being their caregiver, cleaning up after them, feeling like you are not appreciated. If you're going to be in a relationship, let it be an adult one where you feel cared for, that your needs are equally as important that they're happy to occasionally take care of you and to do the dishes or just the bare minimum. And my final reason, I think this reason is an absolute non negotiable. It is time to walk away if you are being disrespected or you don't feel like this person treats you well enough. We all deserve a very standard, bare minimum level of treatment. And sometimes that is not going to be what someone can offer you. And it's not always because they don't love you right. There may be other things going on. Maybe your love languages don't align, maybe they're struggling with attachment issues, maybe you just haven't communicated enough. Those are things that I I think we can work through at times, like I said, if you're willing to do the work. But then there are other behaviors that are absolute non negotiables. If they are being coercive, if they're asking you not to see your friends, controlling your behavior, belittling you, amongst so many other things, that is not the kind of relationship that you deserve or that you should be in at any age or stage of your life. These kinds of behaviors, this belittling, this making you feel bad about yourself, perhaps even coercive control, needing you to constantly be there for them if they need you. That does not come from a place of love. Never. That comes from a place of selfishness and control and authority. And I really don't think that that is a place you need to be in. I know that it's still very difficult to make that decision to leave, because although we know that it's problematic, we are probably very much aware of how this is making us feel. Those kinds of relationships that are highly almost abusive, or bonded, or coercive or controlling, they create very deep trauma bonds, and they can also feel and at times can be very dangerous to leave. If you find you're not comfortable telling your family or your friends how this person treats you, or that you feel the need to protect them or hide certain parts of your relationships, those are very clear early warning signs someone who loves you will treat you with respect. Period, end of discussion, it is time to leave. And I also want to put some resources in the episode description. If this does apply to your situation, I wish I could talk about it more. But I also think that that deserves its whole own singular episode for those of us who might be going through that. I think my perspective on ending a relationship, despite all of the what ifs, despite maybe still being in love with them, is that there will be a period of time where it's going to hurt and it's going to be hard. But that period of time can start now, or it can start in three months, or it can start in a year, and you'll wish you'd done it earlier. You'll wish that you'd had given yourself more of that time to heal and move on. You wish that you claimed that time as your own. But there's no doubt that it's not an easy decision. So why is that? What are some of the psychological and emotional barriers to making this kind of choice, one that we intuitively know might be necessary, and yet we cannot seem to follow through. Well, that's what I want to talk about next, as well as some of the ways to ease the pain, and some encouragement for those of you still looking for the motivation. So all of that and more after this shortbreak. Ending a relationship is painful, let's not sugarcoat that fact. And I think we often think that the person who's being broken up with is the only one who deserves to feel that grief and feel that pain. But making that decision, knowing what you might be giving up that this person will not be your person anymore, is a decision that brings its own unique set of emotions, including grief, including heartbreak, and maybe that stigmer around being the person who does the breaking up is what keeps us in the wrong relationships for a way too long. I remember when I was with someone previously debating for months and months about what to do, and I think it was something that we both knew needed to happen, but neither of us could do it. Neither of us wanted to be kind of the one to pull the trigger. Our romantic relationships become somewhat of an anchor for us, both in good ways and bad ways. They can keep us really steady, but an anchor can also keep you stuck in one place and left feeling detached from yourself, kind of aimlessly floating, or deeply unhappy. And you do not deserve to be unhappy, not now, not ever. You truly do deserve the absolute best. And I know right now that can be really hard to see. It's hard to see that there are better things out there or a future beyond this person. But I want to assure you that there is the world is beautiful and wide and so surprising, and it's filled with incredible richness. Right now, you're kind of probably experiencing tunnel vision in your relationship, but I promise time is an amazing thing that heals all of those wounds. So what are some of the things that are preventing us from making this very hard call? The first one I always think of is this concept of sunk costs. If you're not familiar with this idea, Essentially, our brains sometimes think of things like relationships as an investment. Now this is more of an economics concept than a psychological one, but we have seen research that shows that the same reason that people make dodgy investments or purchases is the same reason people stay in bad or unfulfilling relationships. The sunk cost fallacy is this cognitive bias that makes you feel like you need to continue being with this person, putting love, time and energy into this relationship rather than walking away because you've already lost so much by being with them for so long. We continue to invest because by leaving we feel like we are losing out on all that time we've already given them, thinking that if we stay, maybe that won't be a waste and then it will be worth it. This fallacy, or this bias, it causes us to make irrational decisions that are not aligned with our best interests. And you know, if you have been with this person for a while, if you live together, maybe you're engaged, your family loves them, You've built this life with them, and that is going to make it more difficult to end a relationship compared to a two month fling, where that is a much more short term investment. It's the same thing as being comfortable. Once you sometimes feel safe with someone, you can become complacent. Once you feel very intensely comfortable, you put up with a lot more difficulties or insecurities or unhappiness because you worry it will cost you even greater unhappiness to leave this person than what you are tolerating right now. That reasoning makes you stay, even if it's not an accurate calculation. I want to say also, I'm not saying that your relationship shouldn't be comfortable. It should be absolutely the most safe feeling. It should feel like home. But if you are staying because that's what you're used to and because you are scared of the unknown, that may not be the best choice when you consider all the other factors. The next reason is expectant thinking. And oh my goodness, if I don't see this all the time, even in my own past relationships, it is so unbelievably common. It's similar to the what if thought pattern. It's this sense of belief that something one day is going to change, particularly that your partner might change. We enter into this state of kind of optimistic delusion, whereby we believe that things will be different, that we can change them, things will turn around, and we just need to do X or y, or get married or move in together, or spend more time apart or improve this one little thing about their personality and it will all be perfect. And I think being optimistic is a very beautiful personality trait. But I also don't believe that people are able to change who they are at their very core. That is something that is ingrained them from birth, from early experiences, from formative events, and it takes a lot of effort to shift that, a shift that I don't think we can force someone into. Reflect on what you can do, what you would want to do. If this thing doesn't change, what is the future here? Will you actually be happy if they continue to be this version of themselves, if they do not put an effort, if they continue to do this thing that deeply annoys you or leaves you feeling let down. I also think that if you're listening to this episode, perhaps you already know the answer to that, and you know that perhaps what you have been engaging in is not realistic but expectant thinking. Also, sometimes we think that we won't be able to do better than what we have. Maybe this person you're with is completely fine. They're nice enough, they're good to you, everyone loves them, they're friendly. But you just want more. That is still a perfectly acceptable reason, and believing that you deserve more is the only confirmation you need to know that you deserve more. Maybe you want more passion, you want a deeper connection, more things in common, greater compatibility. There are millions of people in the world you can be with. You do not need to settle with someone just because they are good enough. That's really I don't think what we're aiming for in life. Good Enough is not the level sometimes though. What can hold us back are a number of very instinctual human fears, and they are the fear of the unknown, the fear of change or uncertainty, and the fear of loneliness, all very core to our inherent drives and basic needs. Breakups are a very big relational and social shift, and a lot may have changed since you were last single. You may have lost a few friends, you may have moved, graduated, lost some of your interests, transformed as a person, so you don't really know what you're entering back into. You don't really know what it feels like to be alone, and that is scary. But I think it is in those moments of being uncomfortable and uncertain that we experience the greatest growth. Your future self is going to thank you for making this hard decision. When all the dust has settled, you will be very grateful. Trust me, you really will. Things may be scary for a while, you probably will feel lonely and you will miss them. That is only a natural part of the kind of disintegration of a personal bond, but with time that becomes easier, and then one day you wake up and you realize it was all for the best. That it needed to happen. Loneliness is just an emotion. It's just a feeling. It comes and goes, it dips and rises, and you will be okay through it all. You will be stronger, you will be better, you will find someone better. I just really, truly, deeply believe that you should not be with someone who is not adding to your life. In your twenties, this is your time to be your own person, to prioritize exactly what is going to make you happy, not stay out of obligation or because of fear or expectation. Is this the life that you want with this person? Are they making you the best version of yourself? Are they making you happy? Why don't you deserve someone that is or who does do all those things, even if it takes a while, even if they're not right around the corner, even if in the meantime you feel a little bit lost or you feel a little bit alone. It's all about that trial and error. I also want to say you're not a failure just because this didn't work out. This is part of the human experience. People change, You change, the relationships change. People break up, and it's very sad. It can be quite devastating, But I don't think it's as devastating as staying out of fear of loneliness or what others will think, or what you've been taught to believe about yourself that you don't deserve better. You really do. I keep saying it. I must sound like a broken record, but it's not your fault that your relationship didn't work out. And I don't think that the only indicator of our self worth is whether we were able to make a relationship work. There is so much more to you as an individual than this person you're currently with. So I really hope that this episode has helped you if you are thinking about making a certain life decision, or you're thinking about perhaps walking away from someone in your life. I just hope that it's given you some more information as to why you're thinking this way, what your brain is kind of battling with, why you are feeling a little bit scared. So I'm really sending you so much love, I'm sending you so much strength. I think that you are doing all the right things. You are thinking critically about your decis you are showing yourself self love and compassion by listening to podcasts like this. I think you are brilliant, so best of luck with what you're going through. As always, if there is someone out there in your life who needs to hear this episode, please feel free to share it with them and follow us over at that Psychology podcast. If you had thoughts, feelings, questions about this episode, if you need advice anything like that, or if you have an episode suggestion, I'm always on board to hear your ideas. Also check out my Patreon. Like I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, it will be in the episode description, along with some additional resources information and where to find me elsewhere. Thank you so much for joining us for this episode. I really hope you enjoyed it. I hope you got something out of it, and as always, we will be back next week