Little Man - Act 2 / Part 1

Little Man Part two. When thirty year old Douche Canoe
Doug got a free popsicle from a mysterious ice cream man,
he never thought it would come with a do over
as an eight year old. With the help of his
best friend Ethan, Doug must change his douchey ways if
he wants to become a grown up again. Karma's a bitch.
When we left this hot mess, Ethan's sister, Francine refused
to babysit Doug. She and Doug hate each other. The
solution was to enroll him in school. Sounded good to Ethan,
not to Doug. After a hellish first day of school,
Doug got a bomb dropped on him. Carl the ice
cream man told him the only way he become a
grown up again is if he could learn to be
a good person. But with only ten days, Doug realized
he's screwed and he's being watched but by who? Interior School,
Hall Day, Super Day, twoustling with kids. Doug and Ethan
speak in low voices.
Stick to the plan, your genius, flu What what a pussy?
I mean? Ethan?
Do you have to stay out of trouble? Be good?
Just do what Carl said, Carl can suckuck.
Gotta try nine days left.
Doug looks down, kicks the floor. Ethan crouches to Doug's
eye level, takes something from his blazer pocket, an apple.
Give this to your teacher. Doug tosses it behind him.
A woman screams. They turn. Julia is on the ground,
surrounded by papers, looking really cute in her sweater and pearls.
Damn it does her.
In a flash. Ethan is there, helping like a boy
scout need a hand, fussing with papers. Julia doesn't look
up yet.
Thank you. I should have seen that ball coming. Kids
think I'd be used to this bike.
She looks up to see Ethan's handsome, smiling face.
Okay, fine, fine, you're fine. I mean I'm fine, Everything's fine.
Ethan helps her up. Doug's eyes narrow. What the hell, Ethan?
He runs between them, covertly kicks away the apple.
Oh, Doug, Hello there.
Ethan rests his hands on Doug's shoulders.
You must be Doug's uncle. I miss Jones, Julia Doug's teacher.
She extends a hand, almost drops the papers again. They
connect an awkward handshake.
Dougs told me so much about you. He's excited to
be at school.
Frills.
I'm just relieved. Doug's okay, as am I.
He scared the daylights out of me. Want to ring
off like that?
So excited to explore his new neighborhood.
Thank you for everything you did, glad I was there
to help. Both stand there grinning silly. Doug's out enough.
Uncle even has a boyfriend.
No, I don't I The bell rings, ending the awkward moment.
Get to work, same here, nice meeting you.
You two be a good boy. Doug gives Doug a look,
strides down the hall, trips on the apple.
Your uncle's really sweet.
He's special.
Interior classroom day, the kids are gathered on the big
rug in front of Julia, behind the last row of kids.
Doug lies down board.
You're going to choose a favorite fairy tale and create
a new version for today's work.
Excited murmurs from the kids. Doug yawns, nods off.
And then perform it on stage.
The kids squeal, We've.
Only got a few days, so let's get started. Get
into groups of four and everyone has to agree on
the fairy tale. Ten minutes go.
Kids scramble into groups Julia nudges, snoozing.
Doug, come on, sleepyhead, find a group, he.
Groans, Natalie going on thirty five overachiever approaches Miss Jones.
I don't want to be in a group.
I want to do this by myself, Natalie.
This is about learning to work as a team.
Rachel runs over.
No one wants me and their group.
Oh, it's because you're such all.
Of you can form a group, Doug.
Natalie and Rachel look at each other. Not happening.
There's only three of us, and Whyatt makes four on Wyatt,
He's cranked the glue all the way out of a
glue stick.
He sniffs it.
You'll have to cooperate, share the work, be flexible.
Doug scowls. Natalie crosses arms, Rachel shakes her.
Head and help each other focus.
Wyatt bites off a chunk of glue. Choose later chatter
of kids working in groups. Two more minutes, the dysfunctional
four set around a blank paper, glue all over his mouth.
Wyatt watches an ant crawl across the floor.
Cinderella, yuck, she has cool shoes. I want to do
the Little Mermaid. She doesn't even have feet. Boring, Give
me that.
Doug snatches the paper, scribbles with a crayon.
The Exorcist, It's awesome. There's this girl. Is she magic?
She does the magic is stuff? Is there a fiery godmother?
I mess? She does magic as stuff? Is there a
fairy godmother or an evil stepmother?
Oh?
This girl is so evil.
Julia approaches, Let's see what you chose? Takes their paper
mixed Murphist interior Ethan's house night. Francine runs out as
Ethan enters tag you're it Doug's.
Room loud xbox blairs from Doug's cave. Ethan peaks in.
Doug sits in a game Rocker, a can of beer
on his crotch. Bugly sleeps on the mattress. Doug hits
the controller hard.
Before you ask, sucked so hard?
What happened? Ethan enters lowers the volume.
Why today sucks so hard? Where reason number one? Goldilocks
in the dumb ass bears.
Ethan sits in the other game Rocker. They're responsible?
Stupid fairy tale group project lame class.
Play group projects can be fun.
Dumped with the free, the bitch, and the overachiever. Not fun.
And before you say, I didn't try I totally did.
I was a team player. I said we should do
The Exorcist.
The Exorcist, Yes.
Pay attention. It would have been amazing, but Julia got.
All it's inappropriate for kids.
It's an American classic. But now I'm stuck in the
loser group and Julia's making us do Goldie sucks.
It's an opportunity, like what Carl said, a chance to
be a decent human being.
I roll from Doug Ethan sees the can of beer
in his lap. Why is there a beer on your crotch?
You mean my microscopic dick? Interesting you should ask, Which
brings us to why today sucks so hard? Raison number two.
Adjust the beer can.
As we know, Fay, it's a cruel bitch. My teacher
is like so amazed. Ball's hot and I can't even
yankee my wankie. I rub this cocktail. We need down
to a nug. Wait, there's more. My best friend hits
on my hot teacher. Don't deny it.
I saw I was not hitting on your teacher, and
what if I were. It's not like I'm married or engaged.
Besides, pri and I are taking a break.
Thanks for that. By the way, Ethan exits to the kitchen.
Doug follows beer on crotch kitchen.
Priya dumped you.
We are taking a break.
She dumped you.
Ethan loads the dishwasher.
Things just aren't lining up. She wants to take things
to the next level. And I didn't own farm, So
when's your play.
Doug climbs on a stool to get to the Cheetos chicks.
Ough, It's not like you've been going out that long exactly.
It's only been four years. And why are we talking
about this?
We need to focus on.
Your Do you want to make her breakfast?
Ethan opens the phrase.
Adam ayo again?
Does she complete you? The lay it to your haunt?
The sits here Nancy.
Ethan joins him at the table.
Now you are a relationship Ecksburg, Yes or no?
I guess maybe probably.
You see I haven't changed. You've always played it safe,
even when we are kids. What nine year old opens
in IRA? Always have Plan B and C in case
plan A goes to shit.
That's what responsible people do.
When you have plan B. You don't put your all
into plan A, so duh it goes to shit. It's
a self filling prophecy thing.
Prophecy, self fulfilling, self killing, self killing, self fulfilling.
When you have Plan B, you don't put your all
into Plan A, so duh, it goes to shit. It's
a self filling prophecy.
Ethan listens, chomps a handful of Cheetos, zoomed from the.
Start because you never gave Plan A a full chance.
Ethan shakes his head. Doug sighs.
Here's the bean countertranslation. It's like diversifying your port. Called you.
You spread out your money because it's less risky. The
thing is the pants, not all it could have been.
But if you put it all into one investment, you
could lose everything or hit the jackpot.
Doug is covered in cheeto dust. Ethan x hals. Doug
pops a beer and chugs. Ethan doesn't take it away.
How's your numb?
That was the last beer?
Interior Ethan's house, Day Super Day three. On Doug's face, asleep,
curled up with fugly rise and side. That's good going.
Ethan opens the curtains. Sunlight hits Doug's face. He groans,
pulls a blanket over his head. Ethan yanks it off.
M Saturday, sleeping in.
Interior Ethan's car moving day. Ethan drives a cranky Doug.
Need coffee. What are we doing?
Carl said, you got to learn to be a decent
human being, right, you have.
To be so perky.
This is a crash course exterior Senior Center, Ethan's car Day.
Thugs on a bench by the entrance. Ethan watches in
his car. An access van pulls up senior citizens seventy
to ninety deep board. Doug glances at Ethan. He gets
Doug a thumbs up. Doug runs up to an old
lady ninety three, takes her by the yelbow.
Right this way, ma'am.
The old lady whacks Dug on the head with her purse.
Heday God, she wax him again. Doug cut his head.
She winces hand on her chest, short of breath, she
having a heart attack. Ethan's eyes go big. Nurses run
to the old ladies aid. Doug runs to Ethan's car exterior.
Heal the bay Beach clean up day. Volunteers of all
ages pick up trash along the beach. Doug chucks his
full trash bag onto a mountain of trash bags. He
flops on the sand, exhausted, tears open a bag of cheetahs.
Ethan chats with heal the bay volunteers. A seagull lands
near Doug eyes as snack you bird. He kicks sand
at it. Seagull squawks, launches a Doug. He flails. Seagull
rips the cheetahs from his grip. They scatter all over
the sand. Another seagull lands and another Ethan hears screaming turns.
Hundreds of seagulls have descended upon Doug. Ethan shoes them away,
revealed Doug covered in seagull poop. The mountain of trash,
bags and shreds. Trash scattered blowing all over the beach.
Exterior park day picnic area filled with happy families on
banner support the Firefighter's Fund. All you can eat barbecue.
Firefighters twenties to forties and Apron serve up coleslaw, chili, burgers,
and hot dogs to a huge line of people. Ethan
eats a hot dog, keeps an eye on Doug standing
in the food line. Doug has ketchup all over his
face and his two big heeled a bait t shirt.
It hangs like a dress. Doug gives Ethan a thumbs up,
excited to do his part to support firefighters. Ethan gives
him a thumbs up. In return, Doug's in his element.
He's got this. Firefighter Bill forty five works the grill.
Next in line, Doug steps.
Up back again.
Buddy had six. Maybe you should slow down with it.
It's all you can eats mixed, Doug fumes. Moments later,
on grill, hot dog sizzle. A chubby little hand snags one.
Doug runs off with a hot dog. He trips on
his two long t shirt, goes down hard. The hot
dog flies from his hand. Smack hits a teenager sixteen
in the eye. The teen stumbles into the buffet tail
It buckles on one side, catapults coleslaw and chili into
the air and onto families and firefighters. Firefighter Bill slips
on chili, he knocks over the grill. Paper table, claws
catch on fire. Screams Mayhew. Firefighters scramble for extinguishers. Heathan
turns to the commotion. Eyes widen in horror slow motion,
like a scene from a war movie. Doug runs, face
twisted with fear. Behind Doug, planes smoke, destruction.
Don't go gout.
Interior Ethan's house Day super Day four on Doug's face, asleep,
curled up with fugling rise and shine.
Let's get going.
Ethan opens the curtains. Sunlight hits Doug's face. He groans,
pulls a blanket over his head. Ethan yanks it off.
Freaking groundhog day Javu, You.
Need help from a higher power. Interior Saint Monica's Catholic
Church day packed church. Church goers received communion. Doug stands
in the communion line. He wears one of Ethan's ties
prayer hands cherubic. He glances at Ethan in a pew.
Ethan gives him a thumbs up. The line moves at
a snail's pace. Doug leans out to see up ahead,
a priest forty passes out tiny white wafers away. An
old priest seventy holds a shallice of wine. On Doug's
next step. He veers off bypasses the wafers, heads straight
to the wine. Ethan watches anxious. The old priest holds
up the shallice. The blood of Christ my son cheers.
The old priest chuckles at the boy's odd remark, hands
him the wine. Doug takes a sip, then chugs the
old priest wrestles it from Doug's small but strong hands.
Doug burps. Ethan sinks in the pew. Exterior Mormon Temple Day.
Ethan and Doug approach the entrance. Ethan stops to adjust
Doug's tie. Wine stains on Doug's shirt.
No funny business.
This time I was firsty singing. Doug freezes. The singing
gets louder. It's an all too familiar rendition of Father Abraham.
He turns. It's the Johnson's heading toward Doug. Doug darts
the opposite way through the parking lot. SUVs and minivans crash,
carl al arms, blair elders, twenties on bike's collide. Exterior
Buddhist Temple Day, tranquil orange robe, monks thirty to sixty
ten to the incense. Offerings are placed before the statue
of Buddha, flowers, candles, food, Dug and Ethan sit cross
legged on the floor, eyes closed in meditation. Doug's tummy growls.
He side glances at Ethan deep and peaceful meditation. Then
he spots an offering set before Buddha, a big bowl
of rice. Interior Ethan's car moving day silence. Ethan drives
zen gone. Doug has grains of rice stuck on his
face and shirt.
It's like the statue is going to eat it.
Ethan doesn't reply, grips the steering will tighter. Doug winces
rubs his arm.
Those monks work out.
Interior Classroom Day super Day five Butterfly Life cycle lesson.
Doug draws on his desk.
What happens to the caterpillar inside the chrysalis?
Doug, It shribbles up and dies, a slow, painful death.
The PA system tones interrupt. Julia hushes, the class gives
Doug a warning.
Look good afternoon, Fairview Elementory Cookies for carrying money is
due tomorrow. Every penny goes to the World Child Fund
for more cookies. Take your request form to the auditorium
after school. The winning class will be announced that the
assembly tomorrow.
Kids shriek excited, but.
The fifth grade always wins.
Don't give up. There's still time. Who's selling more cookies today?
All hands go up except Ducks.
That's the spirit teamwork.
Exterior auditorium day, students wait in a long cookie line.
A pack of fifth graders ten to twelve arms full
of cookie boxes. Struts by Dougs classmates in line. Natalie, Rachel, Wyatt, Ashford,
and Jake lead the pack.
Td ween ewoks think they can win.
Eh, how cute.
Fifth grade's gonna win like always, we won the recycling
contest and the jogathon.
Natalie does some quick mental math.
Actually there's only a sixteen percent chance.
Ooh, big brain, a little girl, Big brains show Jake.
Fifth grader's rule, second graders rule game over losers.
The older kids snicker and saunter off, leaving the little
kids scared, confused and pissed off a few yards away.
Doug watches game on Cocksuckers. Later, Cookie table, parent volunteers
thirties to forties pass out boxes of cookies. Doug hands
a paper to a volunteer.
One hundred and twenty boxes.
My uncle signed it.
He points to the child made blob on a form interior.
Francine's car moving day cram blue cookie boxes. Francine drives
while Doug has Ethan on speakerphone, six hundred dollars.
For what cookies? Money's due tomorrow.
I am busy. My boss is on my case.
What eats for a good cause? Damn it, I need
to sell.
Francene can help you call ends. Exterior less is More
Food Store Entrance day. Doug stands with two suitcases of cookies.
He's not having any luck.
Cookies five dollars a bus.
An obese man forties waddles up Doug Brighton's easy sale.
I'll take a dozen boxes.
I've got chocolate chip, peanut butter, oatmeal, reason reduced fat.
Doug bursts into giggles. The irony is too much, can't
stop giggling. Offended, the obese man leaves in a huff.
Time laps. Day fades into night. Interior Francine's car. Night.
Francine scrolls on her phone text message from Ethan working late.
Feed Doug, thanks for cookie help. Exterior less is More
food Store Entrance Night. Doug lies on a suitcase covered
in crumbs, eating cookies. He's given up. Francine approaches, how
many did you sell?
Seven?
Don't count the ones you ate.
I look like a freaking girl. Scout to you.
How many?
Two? I'm done?
That's your dinner.
Ethan's working late.
She kicks him to move over, Sits opens a box munches.
Hmm, these are on that brow.
You owe me five bucks five.
Store sells the same thing for three.
You need to lower your price or reduce your competition.
Doug sits up the gears, turning in his.
Head, or finds a new location.
Interior Beta Fraternity House, Glendon University night, raging frat party, kegs,
beer pong, Dug and Francine maneuver the crowds suitcase in toe. Later,
Patio Francene enters thick smoke, couches, joints, roll bombs, go round,
Stoner Heaven. She grins. Main party area music blares red
solo cup in hand. Doug dances with sorority girls twenty
He's eye level with ample bosoms.
Oh mg, Adores, I can't even let those cheeks.
Must squeeze.
She bends over for a squeeze. Doug gets a view
of cleavage.
Must squeeze.
Francene yanks him away. Minutes later, patio.
Cookie is five bucks bucks.
Or two for twelve, two for twelve score deal me
in Stone student one waves cash, Doug takes it, gives
him the cookies.
Yes, sweet, here you go, keepler elf. He hands Doug
more cash. He's so wasted he paid twice more. Stone
students swarm Doug money and cookie boxes fly later, Doug, Franccene,
and Stone. Students eighteen to twenty sit on couches. Ondug's
suitcases empty. Franccene takes a hit off a joint. Doug
blows huge smoke rings.
Whoa, he's like a tiny gandolf Nah bruh bilbo.
Baggins eh interior Franccene's car moving night, giggling. Franccene dries.
Doug wears a huge Beta sweatshirt. Francine's phone pings and pings.
They don't hear it.
That was crazy.
Uh and he left.
I'm so hungry.
Sultamore, and it's made a prophet.
He fans a wa of cash. She ruffles his hair,
Bore giggles.
Well played, little hobbit keebler roath, Hey, let me drive.
You can't reach the pedals. Come on, I can steer now, Doug,
you wouldn't want to attract attention.
Get pulled over on Francine's car. It creeps down the street,
cars zoom by, giggling, continuous