Finding Love After 40: A Guide to Midlife Dating

Robin Fisher Roffer: It's a testament to what can happen when we are choosing consciously to evolve. You got a chance to see that doing dating and doing marriage as boss lady doesn't work very well. And the only reason that you were able to get Brian and keep Brian is there was enough juicy femininity from the beginning that he could see whatever he could see through the boss lady into everything else that you are. So the secret for us girls seriously is to lead with our femininity, lead with our receptivity so that he feels seen, valued, appreciated. Welcome to Plenty of Husbands podcast for women who are older, wiser, and hotter. This is where we inspire women in midlife to believe that they can love again. And I'm your host, Robin Fisher-Roffer. Now let's meet today's guest. A legendary matchmaker and dating coach in Los Angeles, Denver, and my hometown of Santa Fe, New Mexico, Julie Furman has been serving professional single men and women who are sincerely seeking relationships since 2001 with 1,500, and I bet it's over 1,500 love matches at this point under your belt. and thousands of candidates at your fingertips, Julie, you help your clients navigate the romantic marketplace and develop the ideal strategy for creating their personal plan for dating and relationships. Now she does this through singles events, one-on-one strategy sessions and her 30 day boot camps and personal matchmaking services. Julie, welcome to our show, you are my friend. I think you're the most amazing matchmaker. What you do is spread love. And that's the whole reason for Plenty of Husbands, the podcast, with so much hate going on in the world. We need to talk about love today, don't we, Julie? That's exactly. That's the one thing that gets me through whenever I'm looking at the news or anything, is I just go right back to my purpose for being here on the planet, which is to create and manifest more love in the world. It's that simple. love that and we share that purpose. And I just want to know the most important question that I think are on the minds of people who are in midlife, and I'm going to call that 40 or above. Okay. What's different about finding a match for a woman who's under 40 versus a woman who's over 40. The biggest distinction is related to the whole issue of baby making. The most important question that I need to have answered with each person that I work with is, do you have kids? Do you want to have kids? All of that. And if she's over 40, generally she's wrestled with this issue. And usually, and in some ways kind of hopefully, she's resolved the issue for herself. It's really hard to be a woman in her early to mid forties who really wants to have a child. Even if we've got eggs frozen, even if we're open to adoption, even if we're open to dating somebody who has kids already, because we're in a hurry, we got a time clock and the men can feel it. Now, on the other side of that, once a woman has wrestled with these issues and she's in the, you know what, maybe on having a kid. I'm going to be happy either way. So much space opens up and the men can feel the open space. So if we're dealing with women who are on the other side of that really nasty, hairy issue, dating is so much easier. And I have friends, Julie, I just want to interject because I have a few friends that missed that baby window. But guess what they found? Husbands with their own children. And now those children are just like their own. It's a magical thing that can happen. We don't know why things go the certain way that they do in our life. You know, at that point at 40 might be childless. It might be because there's some children waiting for you on the other side of a romance. Here's what I say. It's so easy. Like I'm working with a gentleman right now who's 46, really wants marriage and family. And he's inclined to dismiss anybody who already has a child. He's inclined to dismiss somebody who wants to have a child through fertility options. His window's pretty narrow, so I'm coaching him. Look, his name is Rob. Be open, darling. Say yes to the women I can introduce you to who are on go for having a baby. Say yes to the women who've already had one. Say yes to the woman who could go either way. Have your options. Because you know what's true about men, Robin? When I ask them, I've interviewed over 40,000 men in the course of the time I've Wow. When I ask a man about the baby issue, so Rob, are you interested in having kids? Yes, no, or maybe? What do you say? They'll get kind of quiet and they won't really say anything for a minute. And I'll let him think. And then he'll say, maybe. depends on who I meet, if I meet the right person. And that's true for the other way too. He might meet the right person who's already had a baby and maybe he would fall in love with her baby, right? All those options. If- And I've seen that time and time again, men marrying women later in life and falling in love, not with their baby necessarily, but their teenagers or their young adults. And in my own experience, I was a single mom raising one child. But then, Julie, as you know, I met Brian and he brought three children with him and now we're one big happy family. So there's so many possibilities is what I'm hearing you say. What I hear from men and what I see in their behavior over the years is a lot of men who never even wanted to be married, never even really wanted to be like on go about having kids, he meets a certain woman. that he doesn't want to live without. I'm getting shivers because I've seen it happen so many times. And when he has that thing happen to him, he will jump through hoops to keep her in his life. He will jump through hoops to get married to her so she won't run away. It's amazing. But first he has to meet her and he has to meet her in a place of open space, not, you ready to have a baby tomorrow? Cause that's what they're running from. That's really interesting. So talk about the woman who's older. wiser and hotter, right? She's made these choices. She's wrestled with it. What's on the other side that's a positive? If you're single, and in my case, I became single at 50. So let's talk about that age group, you know, more in the middle age. That's typically who I'm dealing with. Because I'm 65 now. In the old days, I was working with 30s, 40s, and 50s. I still do, but I have a much higher percentage of people who are grownups. in the 60 plus category. So the challenge there is that as women, we pretty much want to look up to our man. Women come to me and they say, I want a man who's my equal. Usually what she's talking about is earning power, resources, she can respect. And she thinks that she's not going to be able to respect a guy if he doesn't out earn her. And that's actually not the case. What men, the men who are in demand and very much desirable by women. They're successful. They're usually tall. Don't even get me started about the height thing. It's ridiculous. I don't know one marriage that made it or didn't based on a couple of inches, ladies. So I hope you're... Which inches? I know you were gonna say that. Either way, either way, there's a thing called Joy Lux right now. You don't even need a penis anymore. You just, you know, have your goodies all to yourself. But anyway... My gosh, I don't even... That's another episode. I hear everything in this chair. I hear everything. But a man tells me, if he's in his 50s, 60s, 70s, even 80s, they tell me that they want to come home to a soft place to land at the end of the day. He's not asking me for a high powered executive who's boss lady. He's never asking me for that, which doesn't mean that we can't be boss lady. Look at you. You're like the role model for me in terms of a woman who is super powerful, but you've got a toggle switch. and you can switch into your feminine on a dime. So can I, I've perfected it. If we could all learn to do that and leave boss lady aside so that he can be with a flowing, feminine, present, vulnerable, receptive woman, we would do so much better. It's interesting you should say that because... It took me years not to be boss lady with the first three husbands that I had and trying to fix them, control them, boss them around, make them better, elevate them as if they're an employee. I did everything wrong, Julie. You know, I also married the wrong men for me. So they were, you know, I married fixer uppers so that I went right into boss lady mode and I lost respect for them. I think that's really a big issue for women who are powerful. So when a woman says, want to stand toe to toe, I want to find my compliment, you're really also wanting just to be a woman in the relationship and not to be leading with your masculinity. I am so happy to be with a man that I can soften with. And those hard edges have melted away. This has been, by the way, it took me time to accept that because it was such a new place for me to be. ⁓ but it's such a more authentic place for me to be with a man. Yes, it's a testament to what can happen when we are choosing consciously to evolve. You got a chance to see that doing dating and doing marriage as boss lady doesn't work very well. And the only reason that you were able to get Brian and keep Brian is there was enough juicy femininity from the beginning. That he could see whatever he could see through the boss lady into everything else that you are. So the secret for us girls seriously is to lead with our femininity, lead with our receptivity so that he feels seen, valued, appreciated. Instead of what today's modern day woman typically does is she's talking about all of her accomplishments. She's trying to impress him with all the things she's done. And the big problem is, huge problem right now is Men are really frustrated getting a woman on his schedule. He calls her up. He's interested. She said, yes. He said, yes. He calls her up. Hey, Robin, let's go out to dinner. Can you do Wednesday night? No, can't do Wednesday because I got this and this and this. How about that? No, I can't do it Thursday because I got... He doesn't want to hear anything about what we have going on. He's not impressed. What he hears is roadblock, roadblock. She doesn't want a relationship. She doesn't have room for a relationship and he's gone. So if there's one thing that I hope women listening will do, it's very, very simple. You've got a guy you're interested in, he's interested in you. Offer up your calendar availability. Even if- love that. That's so smart. It's so smart. stupid, but they don't do it. And so that's why as a matchmaker, I have to literally orchestrate the first date because I can't trust people to get on each other's calendars. Guys are so sick of it. And women are so, you know, we get so busy. Guys don't want to hear the word busy. Don't ever say to a guy, I'm just crazy busy. Can I just say something? I don't even want to hear my girlfriends tell me how crazy busy they are because it makes me feel less than and discounted and unimportant. So now put that on a man. So I think that you are right. Like if a guy says, I want to see you on Saturday night, you just simply say, you know what? I plan Saturday night, how's Sunday for brunch and we'll take a hike and just give them the alternative. Don't make them like. gasp for air, trying to find space to be with you, make it easy. I mean, and this whole thing about, you my father used to say to me, a man should climb a mountain to be able to be with you. You both, if, you know, my coach says to me, Julie, think you'll be interested in this, love is a democracy. Okay, so both people equally have to come to it. It's not the woman in this reclined position waiting for the man. I mean, We can both be in it in a partnership from the get-go. We can be an us. We can be thinking of what works for each other instead of what are you going to do for me? Which this individuality, and I'll just take a moment on this, I think it's making this country incredibly lonely when it's always me, me and not what works for you. You know, the lack of flexibility is creating an avoidant sort of culture. and an individualistic approach that is not made for partnership and relationship. So how do women in midlife get in their own way when it comes to dating? I'm hearing you say a few things. They're coming with the masculine. They're leading with their resume. They're wanting to impress through what they do, not who they are. What are some of the other big mistakes they're making? So along the lines of what we've been talking about, it's expectations. typically, you know, women sit around tables and they say, ⁓ well, that's a red flag. ⁓ well, that's a red flag. ⁓ don't date that guy. If he's short, no, no, no, he's going to have short man's comp. ⁓ he's bald. ⁓ forget it. What he's, he's only been divorced for three months. ⁓ forget it. And our friends are trying to protect us. Ladies, don't listen to your friends, especially if they're single. They're not succeeding. Otherwise they wouldn't be single and they don't want to lose their girlfriend. So they don't really want you to go. fly off with Robert. Then who's she gonna have lunch with every Tuesday night or whatever? She's not gonna be able to. And Valentine's Day is the perfect example of how we set men up to fail. It's not just on Valentine's Day that we like, let's just see what he's gonna do. Is he gonna take me out for dinner? Did he pay attention when I told him I really like ⁓ pearl earrings? That's setting him up for failure, just as waiting for him to show up to be the man with the plan. ⁓ let's just see what Robert comes up with for our date night, right? And she's gonna use that as an opportunity to say yes or veto him. So I say instead, think about it. When you're in a relationship, who usually makes the social plans, Robin or Brian? Gee, let me think. It's me, baby. Right. From the very beginning, we have a much better chance with men if we can do exactly what you said. You know what, I'm tied up on Saturday, but Sunday brunch would be great. love a hike. Tuesdays, I do this really fun thing where I go rollerblading and anybody who wants to go can come. You give them some ideas and let him choose. If he says, dinner, how about dinner? Is there a place that you like? Give them three options. One might be a swanky place. One's a medium place. One's a super cash place. Let him pick and don't judge him. for what he picked because you said this, this, or this, right? Yeah. Ugh, the expectations. It's like all a setup. You know, it's really a setup to do something like this, this, or this, and then you're waiting for him to pick the wrong thing. I mean, it's just, I think it's approaching dating from a negative place of this will never work. So Julie, I don't know, I haven't told you this, but I've come up with a theory. I want to run it by you. It's called the ABCs of love. So action, belief, and courage. So first, of course, we need to take the action, like hire Julie Furman matchmaker, right? Then we need to actually believe that Julie Furman matchmaker can help me to find love. And then we have to surround ourselves with friends, coaches, people that are positive that cheer us on this path to love. and don't try to sabotage it. So ABCs, Action, Belief, and Courage. What do you think? Am I missing anything? Is there a D? No. Unless you know if I come up with a D or an E, but I think it's great. And this statistic says a lot about why women are struggling so much of the swipes made on these apps. Swiping right means you're interested, swiping left means you're not. Percentage of men who, the percentage of swipe rights on men's side, it's like 60%. The percentage of times that women click, they, yeah, sure, he looks good. And so what we're doing is we're looking for flaws. We're looking for red flags instead of green flags. So here's how to get around it. I take my clients through this every single phone call, every single zoom call, all through my bootcamp. I don't care how long our laundry list is of things we'd love to have all like, you know, the vision board. I hate these dating coaches that, ⁓ let's create a vision board. Cause what we're doing is we're creating a fictitious image of a man that does not exist. Okay. So I don't care. Have your vision board. Tell me you want them to be tall, dark and handsome and rich and complimentary and communicative and great in bed, all that. But then I'm going to ask you, what are the top three things you'd rather be single for? ever than partner with somebody who didn't have these three qualities. Do you want to know what they always are? What? Oh, I'm dying. First, about height and hair and clothes and how he dresses. And if he stands up when she walks into the room and opens up her door, none of that keeps a relationship together. You know what does? Man, it's trustworthy. Underneath the umbrella of trustworthy is honest, oil. all of that stuff, his word means something. If he says he's gonna pick you up at the hospital after your colonoscopy, for goodness sake, he's gonna be there, right? So we're talking about fun things like sex and colonoscopy. The second thing is kindness. Most women I work with would rather be single and stay single than be with a man who's not kind, thoughtful, considerate, courteous, and something, ⁓ that's just a given. Really? Look at the way people treat each other out there in the world. You want to know how a man really is? Get in the car with them and see how he treats other people on the road, right? Or his like server at dinner. Well, yeah. If he's pushing through the old lady at the grocery store, because his mission is more important than hers. And she's like, right? And then the third thing that women would rather be alone forever than partner with a man who doesn't have it, it's something along the lines of a shared passion or passions, values. There are people who will not date somebody on the far left. There are people who will date somebody on the far right. That's cool. If you want to make that the most important thing, you're going to be fishing in a real small pool of people who believe exactly the way you do. If that's what you want to do, that's fine. You go hang out over there. But most people I'm interviewing today want to be with somebody who's thoughtful, considerate, respectful of another person's point of view. So you can see how dating is really challenging right now. So the thing you want to do, ladies, is look for the three things that matter to you more than anything else. Give those men a shot, especially if he's knocking on your door. There's something we girls don't know and we need to know it. You want to know what it is? What is it? We can develop attraction for them over time. call it the Adam Sandler effect. Yes, he gets cuter every time I see him. It's true. Every time. And on the other hand, some guy who's all tall, dark, and handsome and studly, who doesn't have good character, doesn't give us the time of day, becomes less attractive. So what you do is, the guys who are actually knocking on your door, they're available, they're single, they're interested in you, and guess what? They're attracted to you from the get-go. It's the first threshold for a guy. Not because he's superficial and shallow, it's because he's got equipment. that needs to work for the species to serve. It's science, baby. So let's go over that again. So the three things that a woman would rather be single for the rest of their life if they cannot get this is trustworthiness, kindness. And what I boiled down on that last one was really respect, that they are listening and respecting who you are, your point of view, who you are. But I would put values, that you have shared values. Values and passions are kind of right in there. Like you said, passions, but I was kind of listening to the other pieces of that. But the point is, is that you have a shared commonality and that's really interesting. Brian and I, I think that is our glue, you know, more than anything. The other thing is flip side. The woman also has to trust the man for him to feel like he's in his highest self. Don't you think he's got to feel I'm trusted if she's questioning him. That's going to be tough on the ego. This is sexy to a man, right? Bring your trust, bring your confidence, bring your expectation that he's going to be a good guy and look for the qualities that you find that you appreciate. Most of the first dates you go on are not going to be your person. So you're going to blow them all off. One of the things that we work on in my bootcamp is developing our social networks. So we always have somebody to invite to an event, go to a party with. And the men who don't end up being the romantic partner, do we blow them off? I hope not. Please don't ever, ever ghost a man. Have the courage. I want you to develop courageous, compassionate communication along the lines of, Rob, I'm so glad we met. What a great hike. You picked the perfect hike. Picnic was wonderful. I'm not sure I'm feeling like the romance thing. I'm feeling more like a activity partner, buddy or whatever. Can we kind of explore on that level instead of worrying about all the romance stuff? I don't know if that's, I don't know if we're headed in that direction. Something that you can say that's authentic, kind, respectful, and that doesn't blow them off. Cause what happens instead, he says, I'll call you. She says, okay. He texts her, he calls her, she blows him off. Don't ever be that person. It's really bad karma. Okay, well Julie, that's great advice. Something that you talk about that I did in my research, I found, is you have something called being the conductor of your own love story. And I just see a conductor on a train in my mind's eye. What do you mean by that? We have so much more power and control than we think we do. So the conductor is like our orchestrating everything. So you're orchestrating your social life. you're orchestrating your dance card. You mean a conductor like in an orchestra. Yeah. Okay. And we, think what is disheartening and discouraging about the dating process is we feel like we don't have control. We're waiting for the right person. We're waiting for the right circumstance. Make every circumstance worth your attention. Every part of it. Put your heart and your love into every text message, every phone call, every first date. Do your part to bring a smile to this person's face. That's the only purpose of the date. Make sure this person has a good experience of the time he gets to spend with you. Not only show up if he does certain things or is as tall as you want him to be or if he answers the question, which side of... of venture a boulevard do you live on, right? Those are the kinds of questions women in LA will ask. No, I know somebody could be geographically undesirable, particularly in LA. You don't want to date somebody on the West side if you're living on the East side. It's just so tough to get across town. So I understand. I used to live there. get that. I think it's silly. It's silly. The more specific we are, the more selective we are, the more challenging we are to match, the more we need to pay attention to people, even if there is Him being within a 10-mile drive, one of the top three critical criteria, never. Well, I have friends that have met people, they widened the net on the apps and like they got a guy in New York interested and they lived in Las Vegas and now they're living together and married in Las Vegas. mean, it just, you know, putting all these heavy criteria's on your love life is not being the conductor of your love life and making music with somebody. It's it is. When we deafening it's limiting, but it's also a really safe way to date. We never get our heart broken because nobody measures up. And as my sister says, we only have a shot with the guy who thinks we're hot and she's right. So when we're those guys off and instead we're looking at his hotter brother or some other guy who doesn't even know we exist, huge mistake. Give the real live suitors a shot, especially if you see evidence of those critical criteria. And the other stuff we can work out, should a guy always out earn a woman? That's one way to do it. How many relationships have I seen where one or the other was four or five years outside their target zone, mileage, distance, money, stuff? There are so many ways. I've got a couple of superpowers. One of them is helping women learn how to magnetize men, the powers of flirting and what they are and how to get the phone number and how to give the phone number. I'm a master at that. And then the other thing I'm a master at is the whole business of how much money does he need to make and what should he pay for and what should I pay for? Do you want to know where women get into trouble all the time? Travel. He likes to travel and she's traveling right now and she's traveling in style. So when she meets her guy, she expects all those adventures to be at the same level of classiness that she's been having all this time. But now she's got a boyfriend and she expects he's going to pick up all those tabs or most of them at the level that she's comfortable with. Mr. Furman and I had been married for 35 years. I'm a hotel snob. I used to work at the Ritz Carlton Hotel Company, national sales manager. I'm a hotel snob. Gil couldn't enjoy. a hotel that cost that much money. So every hotel that's been swanky in 35 years, I pick it, I quietly pick up the tab, I never tell him how much it was because if I did, he wouldn't enjoy it. So he doesn't care about that. You know what he does instead? He fixed the $40,000 roof that needed to be. So that's what partnerships about, right? That's what I mean by. or my coach, Sara says, love is a democracy. It's really finding like, that's important to you, the hotel. What's important to him is keeping a solid roof over your head. So it all works out in the wash. And I do the same thing with Brian. know, it's, it's, don't expect him to pick up the tab on everything. So it's, and I cook, you know, he'll take me out to dinner, but I cook him meals and I buy all the groceries. It all works out in the end, but we're partners in it. I'm not. waiting for him to do it all for me. I am a capable strong woman. So I think that's great. And by the way, that's authentic Julie. And it's also accepting the other person for who they are, which is love. And so I love that. Something people to do early on. Yeah. Find out what this other person's love language is. So I've become crystal clear that Mr. Furman, his love languages are quality time. needs companionship. an acts of service. If I make him dinner, he really appreciates it. If I'm waiting for him to get me a new pair of earrings, I'm going to be disappointed. Find out what they need first and tell him what you need. If you really like to have a new pair of earrings, well, that's okay. Give him some choices of what would make you happy. They want to make us happy. How courageous is it of men to try really hard to make us happy? Well, and I even like that language, by the way. I've said to Brian before, it would really make me happy if, because he's looking, like you said, he loves me. So he's looking for ways to make me happy. So guys are not mind readers. We sometimes are mind readers. We're pretty good at empathy and compassion, and we can kind of read another person's mind sometimes. so, but men are not as great at that. So I think it is helpful to share with them what you need. That's the only way to really get your needs met. want to talk about, Julie, I really want to, I know you've had a lot of women come to you that are deeply hurt. They have not become better. They've become bitter. And you know, that would make a woman, I think, be very afraid to fall in love again. How do you help them to let go of what's holding them back emotionally so they can open their hearts to love? It takes time and I have 30 days to work with people in my bootcamp. And the very, very first thing that we work on is being the source of love and loving ourselves. If we truly love ourselves and respect ourselves and applaud ourselves and we're friends with ourself, we aren't bitter. We're whole. We're already full with love to share. We're not expecting somebody to give it to us or inspire it in us. We have to come from a place of love in everything that we do. love that. And I remember being 30 years old and being with my first therapist in my first therapy session. I was 30 and she said to me, you can only love other people as much as you love yourself. And I remember crying because I didn't love myself at all. And it does take working with somebody to unlock that love within yourself. the guilt about the last relationship, the hurt you have and the fear you have of it happening again, and to step away from fear and into faith. I don't think you can do it alone. I think you need an anchor in Rusty, whether it's Julie Furman's bootcamp, plus maybe a workshop, a coach. You have to keep on peeling the layers, I think, too. ⁓ but that's been my experience. It's absolutely true. And we don't see our own blind spots. The nature of blind spots, we can't see them. So. We want to look for them and it's hard to look for them. I like doing it in a group format with men and women together. And then women get to say, so guys, how come you do this thing? And they're like, well, here's the real reason. Or sometimes they won't articulate it. And on one of these zoom calls, I will say to them, what's underneath that? Why didn't you call her at that point? Why didn't you offer that vacation trip that you said, whatever the thing is, right? And they will tell. because we're all an open book in this process. So there's somebody you're gonna wanna have on your podcast and he's my dear friend, Evan Mark Katz. He's a dating coach for strong, successful women. And he said something I will never forget. And I repeat it all the time that what we should be looking for as women is our compliment, not our clone. Love compliment. I love that word. I think that's so important. Your compliment, not your clone. I've... been with men throughout my life that have big personalities does not work. Cause I have a big personality. I actually dated somebody completely amazing who was the most entertaining, totally popular, fantastic guy. We dated for about three months and he held my hand and said, I am absolutely crazy about you. I wish we could make this work, but too bright lights is too much. And I Of course, because he mirrored my energy, my kind of personality, I thought, this is perfect, a clone. It doesn't work. You do need that compliment. Yes. That's amazing. One more thing. I have a couple widows who are friends of mine, and they feel like they're cheating after their husband's gone. They're kind of cheating on their husband if they start dating. What are some ways, I'm sure you've, in all of your... ⁓ thousands of clients that you've had. You've had some widows. How do you help them move on? That's becoming my specialty now is widows and widowers. It's amazing. PT finds me when a widow, a widower especially, goes on and looks for, I have a whole slew of them. And men who have been widowed are asking me for women who have been widowed as well. Kind of like we can't bring our best self to a date or relationship if we don't love ourselves like what we just talked about. We also can't begin dating until we've released ourself into the process. So, I mean, he's up there, right? He loves you. Does he want you to be alone? Probably not. Can he soothe you now? No, he can't. He wants what's best for you. And if what's best for you is to be out there dating, meeting people, beginning an intimate relationship, having a whoop-de-doo, any of these things. Sometimes having the whoop-de-doo is the thing to do before you have a relationship. know what I mean? Just like in a moose-boosh. I call it a Club Med experience, know? Somebody, okay, pop that cork, all right? Now I can really date like a normal person. And sometimes that guy's 20 years younger. So kind of like, peel the band-aid off, go for it, have your fling, and then come to Julie and talk to her about finding somebody and release. That's really good advice. I think that that's really great. And what would you tell a woman who says, you know what, I'm good. I don't need a man. I'm fine. You know, I have my kids. I have my work. I have my gardening. I'm good. I don't need any drama anymore. What do you say to a woman like that, Julie? How do you flip the switch for her? Because you know deep down. That was my mother. OK, this is mom and dad. And my mom was 51 when dad died. Ever talk to another man. I'll be free to Furman. Okay. My mother-in-law, she had three boyfriends in her eighties, right? As long as the guy could drive, she would say yes to him. And drive at night, Julie, not just any driving. if a woman is stuck like that, and there are men who are stuck, there are men who will get stuck and they will not date because there's been a prostate issue. He doesn't feel as confident as he does too. And he's opting out. Ladies, this is real. We need to be able to get to our own happy place with or without the way we always got there, right? Otherwise, we're going to be looking for younger men who aren't looking for us, right? Percentage of men in 40,000 records who've checked the box even one year older than he is in terms of willingness to date, 2%. And today, 55 to 60 % of women over the age of 55 are asking me for younger men. It's an unnatural match because they didn't get the memo. Why is it an unnatural match to be with a man? What if he's like four or five years younger? Is there a limit? This is why I don't reveal age on profiles. So that makes these introductions happen. And I also don't reveal last names. I don't want people Googling each other and finding out how old the person is and dismissing them. Either way, man or woman. I don't want somebody Googling them and finding out the value of this person's home and making a judgment about that. ⁓ he's living in an apartment. Yeah, you know why? Because he just gave the big house to his former wife and he didn't even want the divorce. Okay? He's not going to buy another house. Right. So you don't want them to make up stories through Googling before they even meet the person. Thank you, Robin. Yes, that's it. So lead with love. Lead with love. for what's right in people and know that most of the people you meet are not going to be your people. Don't throw them all away. I throw these plus one parties and like if you're a single girl and I invite Robin to the party, you can't come unless you bring me somebody that I don't know yet of the opposite sex, right? And I can't tell you how mad the ladies get. They start yelling and screaming at me, well, I don't have anybody to take. And I'm like, Robin, listen, you've been, you've been dating for four years and you've thrown them all in the trash. Every single one of them, couldn't bring one of these nice men to a plus one party. Well, you know, I didn't return his phone call. That's right. Cause you ghosted him. And now when you see him at Trader Joe's, it's pretty awkward, isn't it? Make friends all the way. Been there. But these are such good things. Okay. I have two more quick questions before we say goodbye. Cause I'm having such a good time. I don't want to, but I have a question for you about putting it down on paper. And writing down the kind of partner you're looking for, I've heard you say that there should be a distinction between a requirement and a preference. Talk to me about, or talk to us, everyone in the audience about the importance of putting down on paper the kind of partner you want to have and the difference between that requirement and a preference. It's so important that I've always had it. as part of my initial process. The first thing I ask people to do in my world is just register with me at JulieFurman.com. They click on the join button and they start filling out their profile, which guides them through the process of doing exactly that. What are the qualities you really appreciate in a man you would love to see in your future partner? How do you describe yourself? People who know you and love you, what do they love about you? What are the goodies, right? We got to be clear about that. Dating can be pretty emotionally draining and sort of self-sabotaging process. So we gotta know what we're worth. And then, what do you love to do for fun? And tell us about your background. Tell us about the work that you do. How do you feel about religion? How do you feel about politics? It doesn't take, I can do a profile in about 12 minutes. It's not that hard. But it forces you to take a look at what really matters and I'm gonna ask them to give me their top three, not more than five, critical criteria. And it forces them to get real. Well, what matters more, that he's trustworthy or that he's tall? I think trustworthy. Give preference to the guy who's got the physicality that you appreciate. But if you're only going to go for him, it's a big problem now because with the online sites the way it is, the same three guys get picked all day long and the same three women get picked all day long. It happens with speed dating too. I won't produce any more speed dating programs because that's what happens. Same three girls get Same three guys get picked and they don't pick each other and nobody mates anybody. So it's a lot of work for me because I'm going to say, Robin, you know what? I know you really wanted to meet Brian and he didn't choose you, but you know who did? Chuck did. He's nuts for you and wants to see you. Say yes to Chuck. He's knocking on your door and running away for Brian who was interested in Barbie over there who's blowing him off, right? Okay. That is just amazing. So I hope everybody got the memo about no speed dating. That just sounds awful. And I don't want to do that. But can you suggest a handful of mindful actions that an older, wiser, and hotter single woman can take to get herself ready for love? Just a few things that you want to leave our listeners and viewers with. I want you to love yourself. And I want you to start every day with loving yourself. For me, once I started doing my yoga sun salutations and my listen to a meditation that I've carefully created with a coach that puts me in the right frame of mind, I love on myself first. you know, matchmaker Maria is this wonderful matchmaker in my world. She says that women should masturbate before they go out on a date. Wow. Diffuse the bomb. Just diffuse it, We need use the bomb. So shave your legs, but masturbate. Because you know, a lot of girls say, I didn't shave my legs, so I know I'm not going to have sex tonight. That's like. Guys don't care if your legs are shaved, I'll tell you why. That doesn't work, but I like the other idea. Even if you're intelligently, I tell women, keep your pants on. Don't go south of the border until you know what sex means to him, what he's looking for in a relationship, his primary dating purpose. Some guy's just reeling after a divorce. He's not ready for a relationship. That doesn't mean he's a bad guy. It means you should befriend him now. Because a year and a from now, I know you don't think you're going to be single a year and a half from now, but if you are, it's a good time to pick that guy up. Right? So you get everybody and invite, extend invitations. I'm having a group of people over for this music thing and we're going to go to the park. You want to come Brian? Maybe you've only had one date with them and it was six months ago. I'm gathering some fun people. So she needs to take charge of her social agenda and put things on. So love yourself, take charge of your social agenda, be inclusive. Bring that guy in that it didn't work out for the two of you, but doesn't mean he couldn't be in your circle. And what's one more thing, one more thing. Don't wait, initiate. Don't wait, initiate. I love that. My coach says, I wait for no one. She says that has to be a mantra. I wait for no one. I love that. Don't wait, initiate. That's so good, I'll give you one quick story that will close it off perfectly. I meet this girl at a dinner party. The dinner party is put on by Time Left, which is an organization that puts strangers together for dinner parties in big cities. It's great. So I'm checking out the company and I'm sitting next to this girl and I'm asking her about her status, you know, and she says, well, actually I have a brand new boyfriend. It hasn't happened in years. And I said, do tell. How did you meet him? She said, well, it was at the grocery store. I said, stop everything. I need to know how that happened. Right. She said, well, I see this guy and we're sort of running into each other in the aisles. Nobody's saying anything and nobody's smiling. I just noticed him and I know he noticed me. So she sees him checking out at the do it yourself checkout place, which she doesn't normally go to. And she wasn't even done with her shopping, but she pretended that she was. The next kiosk was open. She went next to him. She looks over at him. looks over at her and she says, it's been nice shopping with you here today. And he says, well, yes, indeed it has. And she says, I'm a little nervous being here at the self-checkout place because I never know what to do with the produce. He says, I'm a pro at all that. Let me show you what to do. He jumps in, shows her what to do with the peaches, shows her what to do with the bananas. And then they're wrapping up and she knows if she just leaves and go to her car, she'll be like, what could I have said? So she said, you know what, if I gave you my phone number, would you do something with it? He did. He called her and now they're dating. That's so cute. ⁓ If I asked you out, would you say yes? When I said to Gil Ferman, I said, what's the story with you, pal? He said, well, you know, I'm not supposed to date this person. I said, what if a girl asked you out? And he said, if she was cute, I'd probably go. I said, come on, let's go have a beer. Five weeks later, we were engaged. Five months later, we got married. And two months after that, we got pregnant with Alex, who's 34. Julie, I love it. So the headline for this entire podcast is Go For It. Just go for it. Love yourself and share your love. Yes. Don't be worried. It's the voice in your head that goes, what will people think? Don't worry about what people will think. Just follow your heart and enjoy people and love on them. And don't be afraid to initiate. Men are afraid of us because we've been so mean. And then the me too thing happened and good men are not hustling us. They don't want us to feel preyed upon. So we have to hold eye contact. We have to chat them up. We have to say, nice to meet you today, Chuck. Here's how to find me. My friends and I plan these really fun events. If you happen to be single, we'll invite you. Wow. It's great. I love it. Action, belief, and courage. Thank you. That's what we all need to have and self-love. That is a great message too for today. Well. All right, everyone, that's a wrap on today's episode of Plenty of Husbands. Until next time, I'm Robin Fisher-Roffer encouraging you that it's time to step into your next chapter and live your greatest love story. Thank you, Julie Furman, juliefurman.com. You are awesome and I adore you. I adore you, right? making love in the world, Julie. ⁓ I just got shivers. Let's go make some more of it. Okay, bye, darlin'.