#20 Soraya

Hello, I've been getting the feeling that you've been avoiding 0:00:09.640 --> 0:00:11.360 my calls, but. 0:00:15.640 --> 0:00:17.759 No really ever gives you that idea. 0:00:18.480 --> 0:00:22.720 So you mean my my paranoia is is true? You 0:00:22.840 --> 0:00:27.960 have been avoiding my calls. That means everyone's really out 0:00:28.000 --> 0:00:28.400 to get me. 0:00:28.920 --> 0:00:30.760 Do any of your friends like you anymore? 0:00:31.400 --> 0:00:33.840 I have a don't ask, don't tell policy about it 0:00:41.680 --> 0:00:46.440 from Gimlet Media. I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is Heavyweight 0:00:47.200 --> 0:01:03.200 Today's episode Soirea. In the fall of twenty fifteen, Sorea 0:01:03.560 --> 0:01:07.399 began her freshman year at Harvard. She was studying history, 0:01:07.840 --> 0:01:10.559 a subject that she's loved ever since she was a kid. 0:01:11.280 --> 0:01:13.399 The person that gave me my love of history was 0:01:13.520 --> 0:01:16.960 my dad. We would always watch documentaries together, which is 0:01:17.480 --> 0:01:18.920 one of my favorite things. 0:01:19.680 --> 0:01:24.040 Shortly after getting to Harvard, Soria met Professor Alyssa mount Pleasant. 0:01:24.640 --> 0:01:27.520 Soria liked the Lissa right away. She was a Native 0:01:27.520 --> 0:01:32.720 American history professor studying indigenous people. Siria also wanted to 0:01:32.760 --> 0:01:35.720 tell the stories of people without a complete written history, 0:01:36.240 --> 0:01:38.959 in Sorea's case, African American people. 0:01:39.520 --> 0:01:41.600 She was doing the type of history I wanted to do, 0:01:41.760 --> 0:01:44.760 in the type of history that I love. She is 0:01:44.800 --> 0:01:48.320 a woman of color, and you know it's game recognizing game. 0:01:48.880 --> 0:01:49.840 You felt a kinship. 0:01:50.240 --> 0:01:53.760 Yeah, like I don't even know how old she is, 0:01:53.840 --> 0:01:59.520 but she seems young, which was really inspiring. 0:02:00.960 --> 0:02:03.360 Alyssa was writing a book about a tribe called the 0:02:03.440 --> 0:02:06.600 hoden n Ashone, and she was looking for a research assistant, 0:02:07.120 --> 0:02:10.440 someone to sift through microfilm of thousands of newspapers from 0:02:10.480 --> 0:02:11.519 the early eighteen hundred. 0:02:12.520 --> 0:02:18.480 She said that she didn't usually hire freshmen, but she 0:02:18.680 --> 0:02:20.600 was going to give me a chance, and she thought 0:02:20.600 --> 0:02:24.480 I was, I don't know, charming, the guiling. She didn't 0:02:24.480 --> 0:02:26.359 say these words out loud. I don't know, I don't 0:02:26.400 --> 0:02:28.799 know why you would hire me, but she did. 0:02:35.440 --> 0:02:38.680 For reasons Soireya couldn't quite fathom. Alyssa had taken a 0:02:38.760 --> 0:02:41.800 chance on her, and for Sorea, that felt like an 0:02:41.840 --> 0:02:45.400 act of kindness. She was working alongside a mentor who 0:02:45.440 --> 0:02:48.240 saw something in her and contributing to a project that 0:02:48.280 --> 0:02:52.520 felt meaningful. Life seemed to be working out great. Sorea 0:02:52.600 --> 0:02:53.600 should have been thrilled. 0:02:55.040 --> 0:02:59.280 I found myself in a new school, surrounded by new people, 0:03:00.440 --> 0:03:09.560 things that I really loved, But I found myself very unhappy. 0:03:11.080 --> 0:03:13.880 Sarria had struggled with feelings of depression since she was 0:03:13.919 --> 0:03:16.639 a kid, but she'd always been able to pin those 0:03:16.639 --> 0:03:20.120 feelings on the world around her. Classes that weren't engaging, 0:03:20.480 --> 0:03:24.480 relationships that weren't fulfilling. But with her arrival at Harvard, 0:03:24.919 --> 0:03:27.440 she hoped that finally things might fall into place. 0:03:28.840 --> 0:03:33.480 But like every time I woke up there, it didn't 0:03:33.520 --> 0:03:36.720 feel right. You know. I don't know how to explain it, 0:03:36.760 --> 0:03:42.040 other than like whenever I look in the mirror, I 0:03:42.080 --> 0:03:46.920 don't feel like a Harvard student, Like I'm black, I'm Arab, 0:03:47.360 --> 0:03:50.280 I'm a woman. I just I felt bad about all 0:03:50.320 --> 0:03:53.720 of that, and I couldn't stop myself from feeling bad 0:03:53.760 --> 0:03:56.920 about it. And I felt sad because I felt bad 0:03:56.960 --> 0:03:59.360 that I felt bad, and it felt like things were 0:03:59.400 --> 0:04:04.440 supposed to get better, because on paper, my life had 0:04:05.720 --> 0:04:08.960 gotten better. But nothing changed. 0:04:10.920 --> 0:04:15.520 Siriah stopped going to class, stopped showering, stop sleeping. Sometimes 0:04:15.560 --> 0:04:18.680 for almost a week straight. At night, she'd stay up 0:04:18.720 --> 0:04:23.400 reading trashy romance novels and watching conspiracy videos on YouTube. 0:04:23.839 --> 0:04:27.440 And there was something comforting about sort of being adjacent 0:04:27.480 --> 0:04:35.839 to crazy when you're feeling crazy. There would be long 0:04:35.839 --> 0:04:40.080 stretches of time when I wouldn't leave my room one 0:04:40.120 --> 0:04:43.559 of my roommates had left her keys in her room, 0:04:44.400 --> 0:04:47.279 and so she sent out a text on our group 0:04:47.360 --> 0:04:49.520 chat and was like, hey, is anyone in the room. 0:04:50.440 --> 0:04:55.480 And she stood outside our door knocking and knocking and 0:04:55.560 --> 0:05:03.120 knocking and knocking, and I didn't move. I couldn't. I 0:05:03.120 --> 0:05:06.000 couldn't muster the energy to talk to anyone or to 0:05:06.040 --> 0:05:12.080 face anyone. I really feel like I was a zombie. 0:05:13.120 --> 0:05:16.680 This is all happening. And one of the key relationships 0:05:16.720 --> 0:05:22.479 that I was doing my best to maintain was my 0:05:22.560 --> 0:05:31.760 relationship with Alyssa. But I just I just kept digging 0:05:31.800 --> 0:05:32.440 a whole. 0:05:34.080 --> 0:05:37.120 When talking with me about her depression. Soirea is always 0:05:37.120 --> 0:05:40.719 pretty even keeled until the subject of Alyssa comes up. 0:05:41.640 --> 0:05:44.839 I just kept showing up to meetings, saying that I 0:05:44.920 --> 0:05:47.320 was doing things and like it was going great. 0:05:48.400 --> 0:05:51.640 The truth was that shortly after being hired because of 0:05:51.680 --> 0:05:56.080 her depression, Sorey's work researching Alyssa's book ground to a halt. 0:05:57.000 --> 0:05:59.520 But just the same, she kept on meeting with Alyssa. 0:06:00.200 --> 0:06:02.320 It was the only time all week that she showered, 0:06:02.720 --> 0:06:04.600 that she got dressed and left her room. 0:06:06.200 --> 0:06:09.520 Because I just wanted to meet with her. And for 0:06:09.600 --> 0:06:11.920 those moments when I was meeting with her and we 0:06:11.920 --> 0:06:15.320 were talking and we were sharing. It just felt in 0:06:15.360 --> 0:06:18.359 those moments like this is how I wanted my life 0:06:18.400 --> 0:06:22.680 to be, but I couldn't have it outside of these 0:06:22.720 --> 0:06:28.880 moments that were in the end a lie. 0:06:29.480 --> 0:06:34.279 Eventually, Harvard tried to intervene, first with emergency meds and 0:06:34.320 --> 0:06:38.760 then psychiatric treatment, but nothing was helpful and in the 0:06:38.920 --> 0:06:42.160 end Sorea was left with no choice but to drop out. 0:06:43.080 --> 0:06:45.719 She returned to her childhood home, where she spent the 0:06:45.720 --> 0:06:55.200 next two months in bed. Since dropping out, Sirey's depression 0:06:55.240 --> 0:06:58.680 is lifted. A new therapist, then a new job of helped. 0:06:59.520 --> 0:07:02.760 She says she generally feels good about things, except for 0:07:02.839 --> 0:07:07.680 one particular thing. Sarria abandoned the project without ever saying 0:07:07.720 --> 0:07:14.080 anything to Alyssa. After dropping out. She just ghosted Alyssa, 0:07:14.120 --> 0:07:17.200 sent emails and tried to set up Skype sessions, but 0:07:17.280 --> 0:07:23.880 Soria never responded, and eventually Alyssa stopped reaching out. For 0:07:23.960 --> 0:07:26.520 the last two years, Saray has been carrying around the 0:07:26.560 --> 0:07:29.640 original flash drive where she saved all the old newspaper 0:07:29.720 --> 0:07:32.320 articles that she was supposed to read through for Alyssa. 0:07:32.960 --> 0:07:36.640 I've been carrying it with me in my backpack for 0:07:36.800 --> 0:07:37.800 two years. 0:07:38.200 --> 0:07:42.440 You've literally been carrying, like literally carrying it around as 0:07:42.440 --> 0:07:49.720 a weight on your back. So what do you want. 0:07:51.600 --> 0:07:54.200 I need to know whether or not I can make 0:07:54.240 --> 0:07:56.080 it right by finishing this. 0:07:57.840 --> 0:08:01.120 By this, she means the research work she promised Alyssa. 0:08:02.120 --> 0:08:05.480 Soirea doesn't just want to apologize. She wants to present 0:08:05.520 --> 0:08:09.080 Alyssa with a bold gesture. And as far as gestures go, 0:08:09.520 --> 0:08:13.160 the bold kind are my favorite. So, in answer to 0:08:13.200 --> 0:08:17.040 the question I've not yet been asked, yes, Sirea, I 0:08:17.120 --> 0:08:20.520 will be your life coach, helping you at every turn 0:08:21.000 --> 0:08:25.520 to see this through. According to the Internet, every good 0:08:25.560 --> 0:08:29.440 life coach needs a catchphrase, an inspirational cohen that can 0:08:29.480 --> 0:08:33.320 bring solace during difficult moments, a soft light made of 0:08:33.400 --> 0:08:37.680 brave words to whisper when dark night has fallen. Something 0:08:37.720 --> 0:08:44.600 wise yet simple, soulful but dignified. You're gonna boom boom 0:08:44.600 --> 0:08:48.080 boom bang it out. Say it with me. I'm going 0:08:48.120 --> 0:08:50.600 to boom boom boom. Come on with me, I'm gonna 0:08:50.640 --> 0:08:53.240 boom boom boom bang it out. I know it seems 0:08:53.679 --> 0:08:56.120 I know it seems silly, but I'll say one part 0:08:56.120 --> 0:09:00.120 of you say the next you'd boom boom M. 0:09:01.760 --> 0:09:05.520 I can't, I won't, I could, I won't. 0:09:06.960 --> 0:09:11.160 I get Sorea's hesitation. There's nothing more soul deadening than 0:09:11.200 --> 0:09:18.000 mindlessly repeating other people's slogans and catchphrases, of which it's 0:09:18.040 --> 0:09:21.360 time once again for an important message from a sponsor 0:09:21.400 --> 0:09:34.280 that I personally care about. Soria gets started on the project. 0:09:35.000 --> 0:09:37.280 On the flash drive she's been carrying around since she 0:09:37.360 --> 0:09:41.320 left Harvard. There are sixty two PDF files, each one 0:09:41.400 --> 0:09:45.640 containing hundreds of pages of newspaper. Anytime a native person 0:09:45.720 --> 0:09:48.920 is mentioned in any way, a marriage, an arrest, a 0:09:48.960 --> 0:09:52.400 treaty being signed, Sorea makes a copy of the article 0:09:52.880 --> 0:09:56.240 and then catalogs it. So after her regular nine to 0:09:56.320 --> 0:09:59.680 five is finished and the office is emptied out, Sorea 0:09:59.720 --> 0:10:04.680 remain at her desk, scrolling through years and years of microfilm. 0:10:04.880 --> 0:10:06.640 And the plan is that at the end of each 0:10:06.679 --> 0:10:09.560 week she's to check in with me so I can 0:10:09.559 --> 0:10:19.880 offer support and inspiration. Week one, so how is it going? 0:10:21.320 --> 0:10:26.320 And we'll find this week. I think it is in 0:10:26.480 --> 0:10:32.680 the doing that I will find some piece. So I'm 0:10:32.760 --> 0:10:34.199 excited and I. 0:10:34.600 --> 0:10:38.319 So far life coaching is a breeze for sure, easier 0:10:38.320 --> 0:10:43.160 than baseball or football coaching. But by week two Soreya 0:10:43.240 --> 0:10:44.520 and I hit a snag. 0:10:46.120 --> 0:10:50.480 It's just God, I hate this about me so much. 0:10:51.520 --> 0:10:55.520 I basically litigate with myself. I'm like, you know, if 0:10:55.559 --> 0:10:58.920 you start working at four and you do two hours 0:10:58.960 --> 0:11:04.080 of work, it'll only be That's fine. It's six pm. 0:11:04.160 --> 0:11:07.440 If you do two hours, that's only eight o'clock. It's 0:11:07.640 --> 0:11:12.040 four am. Okay, Soiria, you have to do it now 0:11:12.240 --> 0:11:14.120 or you're not going to be able to sleep tonight. 0:11:15.400 --> 0:11:20.400 It's six am. Well, you really can't sleep now because 0:11:20.400 --> 0:11:23.800 you have to be up for work in two hours. 0:11:24.320 --> 0:11:29.760 It's eight am, and then I went to work. I 0:11:29.800 --> 0:11:30.360 went to work. 0:11:33.600 --> 0:11:37.520 According to ancient Greek myth, as punishment for betraying the gods, 0:11:38.000 --> 0:11:41.720 Sisyphus was forced to spend eternity pushing a rock up 0:11:41.760 --> 0:11:44.560 a hill, only to have the rock roll back down 0:11:44.600 --> 0:11:47.880 again when it reached the top. It was hell in 0:11:47.960 --> 0:11:53.160 the form of boredom and meaninglessness. Like Sisyphis, Soria sees 0:11:53.240 --> 0:11:56.240 no end to her toil. She's sorting through mountains of 0:11:56.320 --> 0:12:00.040 articles about lost wallets and lost umbrellas, the War of 0:12:00.120 --> 0:12:05.240 eighteen twelve, stolen horses, and scalpings. She scrolls and scrolls 0:12:05.280 --> 0:12:09.320 and scrolls looking for any mention of indigenous people. She 0:12:09.400 --> 0:12:14.360 can go hours, even days without finding anything relevant. Plus 0:12:14.679 --> 0:12:17.240 she doesn't even know if her work will have any worth. 0:12:18.000 --> 0:12:22.040 Alyssa might have already finished her book, or worse because 0:12:22.080 --> 0:12:29.320 of her abandoned it entirely. It all feels pointless. Week ten. 0:12:30.080 --> 0:12:31.079 How did the weekend go? 0:12:32.280 --> 0:12:34.760 Pretty? Pretty shit? Not good? 0:12:35.880 --> 0:12:38.520 But according to the Internet, a life coach has to 0:12:38.559 --> 0:12:42.839 be persistent, and so we keep checking in even when 0:12:42.880 --> 0:12:45.520 Sorey is out of town. Week eleven. 0:12:46.080 --> 0:12:51.400 I did not work on this project this week. Week twelve, 0:12:51.559 --> 0:12:53.000 this week has not been productive. 0:12:53.320 --> 0:13:01.480 Week thirteen, this week did not go to plan. Week fourteen. Hello, Hey, 0:13:03.520 --> 0:13:04.880 this is Jonathan speaking. 0:13:05.720 --> 0:13:08.720 Oh oh crap, I totally forgot about this. 0:13:13.080 --> 0:13:16.520 As a life coach. I'm also like Sissyphist. I'm pushing 0:13:16.520 --> 0:13:19.959 a rock up a hill, and my rock is Soreya 0:13:20.240 --> 0:13:23.920 pushing her rock up a hill. Should I be continuing 0:13:23.960 --> 0:13:27.240 to try to inspire you? I? 0:13:27.320 --> 0:13:30.560 Uh, it's not you, It's me. 0:13:31.200 --> 0:13:34.560 It is me, isn't it? Do you know? Are you 0:13:34.600 --> 0:13:39.679 familiar with the quote from Highlander? There is no trial? Wait? 0:13:39.760 --> 0:13:42.960 Did I get there is no try. There can only 0:13:43.000 --> 0:13:47.480 be here. Oh no, sorry, it's Yoda. Do are not? Sorry? 0:13:47.679 --> 0:13:51.320 Do or do not? There is no try? 0:13:51.640 --> 0:13:54.199 Thank you. I'm surprised you didn't try to imitate Yoda. 0:13:54.640 --> 0:13:56.360 If I'm gonna be honest, I'm a little disappointed. 0:13:56.440 --> 0:14:00.239 You done on showing Soireyah that there is no try. 0:14:00.600 --> 0:14:03.640 Is something that I must actually do rather than try 0:14:03.679 --> 0:14:08.319 to do. I must do to do, do or do not? 0:14:08.920 --> 0:14:14.360 There is no there is no try, do or do not. Wait. 0:14:14.400 --> 0:14:16.679 Let me I can nail this. Hang on, I've never 0:14:16.720 --> 0:14:21.440 really tried. You know when you can hear the voice 0:14:21.480 --> 0:14:23.560 in your head that you're trying to imitate, but you 0:14:23.600 --> 0:14:26.400 can't get it out, but you just know it's in there. 0:14:27.000 --> 0:14:34.800 What cannot be done? I always do what cannot be done. Huh, 0:14:34.920 --> 0:14:38.320 why did I start this? Anyone? 0:14:42.320 --> 0:14:46.400 What is this? It definitely feels like an intervention. 0:14:47.400 --> 0:14:49.560 Just because people are intervening they care about you, doesn't 0:14:49.600 --> 0:14:52.480 make it an intervention. Hang on a second, So the 0:14:52.560 --> 0:14:56.400 question of why did she start this? Anyone? I invite 0:14:56.400 --> 0:14:59.720 Sorea into the studio or a stage, a full on 0:14:59.840 --> 0:15:03.920 mo ALTI media event, or at least a single media event. 0:15:04.760 --> 0:15:07.880 I play Sireya some audio tape from the one person 0:15:08.040 --> 0:15:11.760 she needs to hear from most. I thought that maybe 0:15:11.880 --> 0:15:17.680 the best person for you to hear right now would 0:15:17.720 --> 0:15:17.960 be you. 0:15:19.560 --> 0:15:20.760 This is an intervention. 0:15:22.240 --> 0:15:26.040 Siria shakes her head and I press play, and together 0:15:26.520 --> 0:15:28.920 we listened to a conversation that we had back when 0:15:28.920 --> 0:15:29.760 this whole thing began. 0:15:31.080 --> 0:15:34.760 I think it is in the doing that I will 0:15:34.800 --> 0:15:38.680 find some piece, you know. 0:15:39.560 --> 0:15:43.840 In his essay about Sisyphis, the French existentialist Albert Camier 0:15:44.280 --> 0:15:47.800 writes that Sisyphis's real struggle wasn't that he had to 0:15:47.880 --> 0:15:50.280 roll a heavy rock up a hill without ever getting 0:15:50.280 --> 0:15:52.920 to the top, but that he had to somehow find 0:15:52.960 --> 0:15:56.360 meaning in the rock rolling. Siria has lost sight of 0:15:56.400 --> 0:15:59.000 the thing that was bringing meaning to her rock rolling, 0:16:00.120 --> 0:16:03.800 lost sight of Alyssa, Like I don't even know how. 0:16:03.640 --> 0:16:08.640 Old she is, but she seems young, which was really inspiring. 0:16:08.920 --> 0:16:13.040 She was past Soria talks about how important Alyssa was 0:16:13.080 --> 0:16:15.640 to her, how kind she was when she was at 0:16:15.640 --> 0:16:20.440 her lowest, and as past Soria speaks present, Siria covers 0:16:20.480 --> 0:16:20.960 her face. 0:16:21.440 --> 0:16:24.000 I need to know whether or not I can make 0:16:24.000 --> 0:16:25.600 it right by finishing this. 0:16:33.760 --> 0:16:38.720 I believe that person was talking from the heart Soria 0:16:38.800 --> 0:16:41.560 looks down at the table. She's quiet for a while, 0:16:42.120 --> 0:16:48.280 thinking about Alyssa. And when they first met. 0:16:46.520 --> 0:16:49.840 I was feeling very bad about myself, and so this 0:16:50.080 --> 0:16:57.120 job like it was this moment my freshman year. Ah shit, 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:05.040 it's like, God, she's a deeply nice person. 0:17:10.119 --> 0:17:13.720 So what are we gonna do? Sorea looks at me 0:17:13.800 --> 0:17:20.480 like I'm an idiot. Then her smile widens, and I'm. 0:17:20.320 --> 0:17:22.200 Gonna boom boom boom bang it out. 0:17:23.160 --> 0:17:25.080 Who's gonna boom boom boom bang it out? 0:17:26.400 --> 0:17:29.480 I'm going to boom boom boom bang it out. 0:17:30.119 --> 0:17:31.720 See how did that feel? 0:17:33.640 --> 0:17:35.480 About as good as I imagined it too. 0:17:36.640 --> 0:17:40.560 We're gonna boom boom boom bang it out. 0:17:44.400 --> 0:17:46.200 I'm past the fifty percent march. 0:17:47.119 --> 0:17:50.000 When we check back in a week later, it seems 0:17:50.040 --> 0:17:52.920 Soray has gotten back what I will heretoforeth refer to 0:17:53.119 --> 0:17:57.600 as after carefully vetting my language with Gimlet Media's paralegal department. 0:17:58.200 --> 0:18:07.919 The look of the leper The glass is half empty 0:18:08.680 --> 0:18:12.640 or full, whichever The optimistic part is. You know you 0:18:12.720 --> 0:18:16.800 have emptied this glass of nagging, guilt and shame so 0:18:16.840 --> 0:18:19.640 that it's half empty, which is good. 0:18:19.920 --> 0:18:25.120 Okay again in the colloquial spear of things that would 0:18:25.160 --> 0:18:26.520 sound really really negative. 0:18:26.720 --> 0:18:27.359 Are you sure? 0:18:27.720 --> 0:18:28.159 I don't know. 0:18:28.440 --> 0:18:34.359 Yeah, I think you might have that backwards And from here, 0:18:34.800 --> 0:18:37.960 the half empty glass just keeps getting emptier. 0:18:39.160 --> 0:18:45.040 Week fifteen, I would say I'm at fifty two percent. 0:18:45.960 --> 0:18:50.000 Week sixteen, I'm at sixty percent. Week seventeen. I'm gonna 0:18:50.000 --> 0:18:53.000 put it out sixty two Week eighteen. 0:18:52.800 --> 0:18:55.639 The seventy five percent mark. 0:18:57.520 --> 0:19:00.520 It isn't always easy. There are still stops in starts. 0:19:01.160 --> 0:19:06.280 Sorea gets tired, Sorea gets bored, Soria gets busy, but slowly. 0:19:07.000 --> 0:19:10.840 Soraya nears the finish line. Week twenty four. 0:19:11.600 --> 0:19:14.440 I think I'm going to get there. I'm almost done. 0:19:14.480 --> 0:19:16.360 I think I have two I have two of those 0:19:16.440 --> 0:19:18.840 files left. I can do that. 0:19:23.160 --> 0:19:28.159 Week twenty six, So, yeah, what do you have to 0:19:28.200 --> 0:19:28.560 tell me? 0:19:29.840 --> 0:19:30.679 I'm done? 0:19:31.080 --> 0:19:31.679 You're done? 0:19:31.760 --> 0:19:32.399 I'm done? 0:19:37.280 --> 0:19:53.000 After the break? Alyssa, Yes, it's a boy call around 0:19:53.440 --> 0:19:58.040 Train forty three and stops at Newark, Chanson, Philadelphia. Is 0:19:58.040 --> 0:20:02.800 that us? My history is Melissa is currently doing academic 0:20:02.880 --> 0:20:06.359 research in Philadelphia. So Sorey and I meet at New 0:20:06.440 --> 0:20:09.600 York's Penn Station, and right and early we board a 0:20:09.640 --> 0:20:14.280 train to Philly. As Soreya's life coach. I'm a nervous wreck, 0:20:15.000 --> 0:20:17.719 so I can only assume that Sorea must be feeling 0:20:17.800 --> 0:20:21.439 three to six times as anxious as I am. I 0:20:21.480 --> 0:20:24.520 try to soothe her. Do you find that sounds soothing? 0:20:24.760 --> 0:20:27.480 Time to hear it? Check it, check it, check check it, 0:20:27.560 --> 0:20:30.919 check it, check it, check out. Soreya doesn't appear to 0:20:30.960 --> 0:20:34.960 find it soothing, so I pull out another life coaching technique, 0:20:35.720 --> 0:20:42.280 breathing in. I'm breathing in. I don't know that was 0:20:42.320 --> 0:20:42.880 breathing out. 0:20:43.200 --> 0:20:44.440 I was breathing out. 0:20:45.200 --> 0:20:49.640 Gotta confused. Sometimes Sirea didn't get any sleep the night 0:20:49.720 --> 0:20:54.919 before interfugue state of sleep deprivation. I can only assume 0:20:55.000 --> 0:20:58.439 that Sorea must be experiencing this train trip, not as 0:20:58.480 --> 0:21:01.879 an actual train trip, but as a symbolic and surreal 0:21:01.960 --> 0:21:06.479 train trip of self discovery. We chug along past Newark, 0:21:06.520 --> 0:21:12.399 New Jersey, home of the first successful submarine voyage, Elizabeth, 0:21:12.480 --> 0:21:15.720 New Jersey, birthplace of the first ice cream soda in 0:21:15.800 --> 0:21:21.639 New Jersey. Rahway, New Jersey, originally called spank towns by 0:21:21.720 --> 0:21:28.840 early settlers for disgusting reasons. I won't go into here. Andalusia, 0:21:28.960 --> 0:21:33.440 New Jersey filming locale for the NBC pilot Outlaw, which 0:21:33.440 --> 0:21:41.280 started Young Jimmy Smith's and ran for eight episodes. And finally, 0:21:43.520 --> 0:21:48.120 so here we are. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, Philadelphia. 0:21:49.600 --> 0:21:52.199 Welcome to Philly. Yeah they call it. They call it 0:21:52.200 --> 0:21:58.840 Philly for short, third short for Philip, Philipdelphia. Outside the 0:21:58.880 --> 0:22:04.399 train station, the city is bustling. As Sorea's life coach 0:22:04.440 --> 0:22:07.640 slash tour guide, I point out the sights and sounds 0:22:07.680 --> 0:22:10.359 of the city. Look at this, look at that. There's 0:22:10.400 --> 0:22:13.199 the Crack Liberty, there's those stairs that Rodney ran up, 0:22:13.240 --> 0:22:18.879 and there's a tub of cream cheese Philadelphia Fresh. We 0:22:19.000 --> 0:22:22.360 cab over to the Temple University campus where I've set 0:22:22.440 --> 0:22:28.240 up our meeting with Alyssa. Here we are. We're on campus. Yeah, 0:22:28.320 --> 0:22:32.240 feeling that adrenaline that that that college sort of we're 0:22:32.280 --> 0:22:34.240 college students and we could do anything we want. 0:22:34.359 --> 0:22:39.920 I miss the sweats carrying pizza luck because there's. 0:22:39.720 --> 0:22:44.919 A guy that's like cheap beer at a frat party. 0:22:45.280 --> 0:22:48.040 It's all rising up in me, running through the dorm 0:22:48.040 --> 0:22:52.160 in my underwear hacky sack and my underwear underwear pong 0:22:52.320 --> 0:22:56.679 underwear runs no pants parties, all the college things I 0:22:56.760 --> 0:23:00.119 experienced in movies, but not in my five years at 0:23:00.160 --> 0:23:04.680 the Sir George Williams campus of downtown Montreal's Concordia University. 0:23:05.560 --> 0:23:12.440 What good was my education? Anyway? As for Soirea, after 0:23:12.480 --> 0:23:14.480 being out of school for a couple of years, now, 0:23:14.920 --> 0:23:16.560 I wonder what it's like for her to be back 0:23:16.600 --> 0:23:19.760 on a college campus. It's hard, though, to tell what 0:23:19.760 --> 0:23:20.320 she's feeling. 0:23:21.800 --> 0:23:24.360 It's literally exactly. 0:23:28.400 --> 0:23:31.400 I've arranged to meet Alyssa at the Entertainment and Community 0:23:31.520 --> 0:23:34.920 Education Center on the edge of campus. We're a few 0:23:34.960 --> 0:23:38.160 minutes early, so Sirea decides to use the extra time 0:23:38.320 --> 0:23:41.240 to run into the bathroom, but just as she steps 0:23:41.240 --> 0:23:44.320 into the hallway, she comes face to face with a 0:23:44.320 --> 0:23:47.520 wavy haired woman wearing narrow, black framed glasses. 0:23:50.119 --> 0:23:51.520 Hi, how are you. 0:23:52.280 --> 0:23:54.200 It's Alyssa. 0:23:54.240 --> 0:23:57.080 How are you good. It's so good to see you. 0:23:57.200 --> 0:23:58.000 It's good to see you. 0:23:58.000 --> 0:24:02.960 Too, send Soria stand around awkwardly in the hallway, not 0:24:03.040 --> 0:24:07.119 sure what to say. As they fall into silence, Sorea's 0:24:07.119 --> 0:24:16.000 life coach springs into action. To meet you now, Alyssa 0:24:16.000 --> 0:24:18.879 and Srea and I stand around awkwardly in the hallway, 0:24:19.280 --> 0:24:20.720 not sure what to say. 0:24:22.760 --> 0:24:24.240 Yeah, I'm good, We'll take care of Melissa. 0:24:24.320 --> 0:24:26.679 Sorry that you could do your twilet and be at 0:24:26.720 --> 0:24:35.360 your best. Great, come on in. When Sarria returns from 0:24:35.400 --> 0:24:38.720 the bathroom, she finds Alyssa already seated at a large 0:24:38.800 --> 0:24:43.679 round table. Sia sits beside her. Together, they try to 0:24:43.720 --> 0:24:44.840 figure out how to begin. 0:24:48.520 --> 0:24:51.840 How have you been? I've been good, I've been busy, 0:24:52.640 --> 0:24:55.480 I've been I've been well. How are you I've been 0:24:55.600 --> 0:25:08.399 I've been both up and down? Yeah, I really, I 0:25:08.440 --> 0:25:10.040 mean what comes to mind is that I left you 0:25:10.200 --> 0:25:14.960 high and dry. And by the time. 0:25:14.760 --> 0:25:18.840 We met, Soria gets right into it, telling Alyssa all 0:25:18.880 --> 0:25:22.240 the things that two years ago she wasn't able to. 0:25:22.600 --> 0:25:27.919 I was in a really dark place and had She 0:25:27.960 --> 0:25:30.720 tells Alyssa about not being able to leave her dorm room, 0:25:31.359 --> 0:25:34.360 about how everything in her life was falling apart, how 0:25:34.359 --> 0:25:38.160 meaningless it all felt, how ultimately she had to drop 0:25:38.160 --> 0:25:38.800 out of school. 0:25:39.200 --> 0:25:42.480 But she tells Alyssa about her depression. 0:25:42.480 --> 0:25:48.520 And I was trying really really hard to be okay, 0:25:49.400 --> 0:25:56.520 but like what I'm what I'm most ashamed of is 0:25:56.560 --> 0:26:02.879 that I couldn't just like tell you. I just didn't 0:26:02.920 --> 0:26:06.480 feel like I could tell you or anyone which is 0:26:07.720 --> 0:26:13.080 to me sad because you were so nice. 0:26:13.640 --> 0:26:16.240 Did you ever suspect that Sorea might be depressed? 0:26:18.680 --> 0:26:25.080 I had no idea. I had absolutely no idea. 0:26:26.640 --> 0:26:29.160 So less it turns to Sorea, I. 0:26:29.000 --> 0:26:34.760 Was immediately impressed with you. You have an energy and 0:26:34.840 --> 0:26:41.000 an enthusiasm and an honesty that is refreshing. 0:26:42.560 --> 0:26:43.960 And inspiring. 0:26:46.359 --> 0:26:48.920 So sorry, if I could just jump in for a minute, 0:26:49.080 --> 0:26:53.120 you never felt like let down, or you didn't feel 0:26:53.200 --> 0:26:55.000 angry or upset. 0:26:57.040 --> 0:27:01.800 I might have been a little frustrated, but I was 0:27:02.400 --> 0:27:08.439 never angry or disappointed. If anything, I was trying to 0:27:08.440 --> 0:27:13.720 be compassionate about the workload that I was imagining you had, 0:27:14.119 --> 0:27:17.000 not knowing that there was another workload that you had 0:27:17.040 --> 0:27:21.119 that that you were dealing with. So you shouldn't feel 0:27:21.160 --> 0:27:22.480 like you left me high and dry. 0:27:24.280 --> 0:27:27.600 Sarria can't understand how Alyssa could feel this way, how 0:27:27.640 --> 0:27:30.480 easily she's letting her off the hook. She came to 0:27:30.520 --> 0:27:34.200 ask for forgiveness for screwing over her mentor, and she's 0:27:34.240 --> 0:27:37.880 not buying Alyssa's response, Well, I just. 0:27:37.800 --> 0:27:41.480 Felt like I hadn't accomplished anything, and like when I 0:27:41.520 --> 0:27:43.719 was so, I was just going to jump in that 0:27:43.960 --> 0:27:45.200 is wrong. 0:27:46.520 --> 0:27:49.679 For the first time all afternoon. Alyssa drops her measured 0:27:49.720 --> 0:27:52.800 tone and interrupts, Soria, you had. 0:27:52.680 --> 0:27:59.040 Done a tremendous amount of work, and my recollection was 0:27:59.080 --> 0:28:01.720 that there was just a little bit more that needed 0:28:01.760 --> 0:28:04.840 to be done. 0:28:05.520 --> 0:28:09.680 Sorea looks confused, and at this point I probably do too. 0:28:10.720 --> 0:28:13.280 The way Sirea had always explained it to me, she'd 0:28:13.320 --> 0:28:17.040 done almost no work on the project. She'd failed the project, 0:28:17.440 --> 0:28:19.840 failed Alissa, and failed herself. 0:28:22.200 --> 0:28:25.040 You know, I have an image in my mind of 0:28:25.920 --> 0:28:30.080 the drop box file with a number of different. 0:28:30.080 --> 0:28:33.120 Alyssa brings up the existence of a drop box folder. 0:28:33.800 --> 0:28:36.560 It was there. She says that they both shared articles 0:28:36.560 --> 0:28:39.719 and material as they worked on the project. 0:28:39.520 --> 0:28:46.080 Spreadsheets, Excel spreadsheets and links to them, and there was additional. 0:28:45.720 --> 0:28:49.400 It seems that on June fourteenth, twenty sixteen, just before 0:28:49.440 --> 0:28:52.920 she ghosted on Alyssa, Soirea had uploaded almost half of 0:28:53.000 --> 0:28:58.840 the required research. Not only that, but she'd organized it too. 0:28:59.120 --> 0:29:02.560 And yet it doesn't remember any of this. For the 0:29:02.600 --> 0:29:05.920 past two years, she's accepted her failure as the truth. 0:29:06.880 --> 0:29:09.520 To now hear otherwise, it is hard to process. 0:29:12.440 --> 0:29:18.640 What I'm sort of realizing is that I let the 0:29:18.680 --> 0:29:22.240 fact that I didn't finish something eclipse the fact that 0:29:22.280 --> 0:29:24.720 I had done anything at all. 0:29:26.360 --> 0:29:29.720 Sirea had been telling herself a story that she'd failed, 0:29:30.120 --> 0:29:33.320 that she'd made a mess of everything. In truth, though, 0:29:33.920 --> 0:29:36.360 that was just a story the depression had been telling. 0:29:37.880 --> 0:29:41.200 But it's this story that, two years later has stuck 0:29:41.200 --> 0:29:51.760 with her. It took Alyssa the historian to excavate the past. Eventually, 0:29:52.040 --> 0:29:54.560 the conversation turns to the matter of the work that 0:29:54.600 --> 0:30:00.480 Sorea truly, verifiably didn't do. Did you you end up 0:30:00.560 --> 0:30:04.320 having to hire another researcher to do what Soria was doing, 0:30:04.400 --> 0:30:06.800 or did you do it yourself or it's still not done. 0:30:08.400 --> 0:30:12.320 Hearing this, Sorea reaches into her bag and begins fumbling inside. 0:30:13.080 --> 0:30:15.440 She pulls out the flash drive that contains all the 0:30:15.480 --> 0:30:18.680 work she's done over the past six months. She explains 0:30:18.760 --> 0:30:21.680 why she traveled all the way to Philly. 0:30:21.800 --> 0:30:28.440 I brought it because I wanted to give it to you. 0:30:30.000 --> 0:30:33.360 Soria begins in accounting of everything she's done in preparation 0:30:33.480 --> 0:30:34.040 for the meeting. 0:30:34.800 --> 0:30:39.400 So I read about a decade's worth of newspaper and 0:30:40.120 --> 0:30:44.800 clipped I think it's like seven hundred articles and so 0:30:44.840 --> 0:30:47.960 I'll just give you a quick look at what's inside. 0:30:48.040 --> 0:30:52.520 But Soria speaks, Alyssa shakes her head. 0:30:52.560 --> 0:30:54.960 Any of them the other thing is like it's the 0:30:54.960 --> 0:30:56.080 War of eighteen twelve. 0:30:56.320 --> 0:30:59.800 So there's just at first in disbelief because. 0:30:59.560 --> 0:31:02.040 I also I just thought the creek stuff that's going 0:31:02.040 --> 0:31:03.880 on is so fascinating. 0:31:03.680 --> 0:31:05.840 But eventually in amazement. 0:31:06.080 --> 0:31:10.480 What's going on with the tusc Aurora. It's wild to me. 0:31:11.080 --> 0:31:14.520 And then I sit back and watch this side of 0:31:14.560 --> 0:31:17.520 Soirea that I've not seen before. In spite of her 0:31:17.560 --> 0:31:21.760 sleep deprived state, she has a natural enthusiasm, a passion 0:31:21.800 --> 0:31:24.920 for the subject, and a command of the material, all 0:31:25.000 --> 0:31:27.800 qualities Alyssa must have seen when she first decided to 0:31:27.880 --> 0:31:32.480 hire her. Back then, Alyssa didn't see the depression. She 0:31:32.560 --> 0:31:35.960 saw through it to other things, things that at the 0:31:36.000 --> 0:31:40.320 time Soirea couldn't see herself. Maybe this is why Alyssa 0:31:40.400 --> 0:31:41.720 took a chance on a freshman. 0:31:43.160 --> 0:31:48.600 It's staggering the amount of work that you've taken on. 0:31:49.680 --> 0:31:56.400 I'm overwhelmed, and I wonder about and here I'm spitballing. 0:31:57.520 --> 0:32:02.840 Alyssa pauses for a moment, rubs here, But I wonder if. 0:32:02.640 --> 0:32:06.720 There might be a co authored piece, or at least 0:32:06.760 --> 0:32:11.680 co credited piece, because that wouldn't be possible without Saraya's work. 0:32:19.480 --> 0:32:27.920 I'm I'm so glad that you're okay. Yeah, I am too. 0:32:29.680 --> 0:32:31.720 I still want to say sorry. I don't know, I 0:32:31.760 --> 0:32:37.120 know you don't seem to need it. Accept your apology, 0:32:38.840 --> 0:32:41.880 It's okay, that's okay. 0:32:45.240 --> 0:32:47.520 Just before the rock rolls back down and the schlap 0:32:47.520 --> 0:32:51.000 begins anew. In that brief pause when the stone is 0:32:51.000 --> 0:32:55.400 perfectly balanced at the mountain's top, Sissyphus must experience a 0:32:55.440 --> 0:32:58.880 moment of respite, a moment when he can unclench his jaw, 0:32:59.400 --> 0:33:04.680 rub his nack, scratches back. Siria still struggles with depression, 0:33:05.080 --> 0:33:08.640 with whether she's ready to return to school, but for now, 0:33:09.400 --> 0:33:15.600 there's a moment of peace. On the train ride back 0:33:15.640 --> 0:33:18.400 to New York, Soria curls up in her sweatshirt and 0:33:18.480 --> 0:33:21.520 rests her head against the window. And were it not 0:33:21.640 --> 0:33:24.560 for the relentless affirmations of her life coach I find 0:33:24.600 --> 0:33:28.280 train travel, the gentle chugga chugga of the train would 0:33:28.280 --> 0:33:31.960 have by now rocked her to sleep. What's the expression again, 0:33:32.520 --> 0:33:38.480 I don't know, Bippy bobbity boom, We're gonna escape, We're 0:33:38.480 --> 0:33:39.320 gonna bip up. 0:33:40.600 --> 0:33:42.520 I thought you've said that, what is it? Boom boom boom, 0:33:42.520 --> 0:33:46.560 that's boom boom boom boom, bang it out. 0:34:10.280 --> 0:34:19.759 Now that the furnitures returning to it's goodwill home, Now 0:34:19.840 --> 0:34:25.600 that the last month's rant is scheming with the damaged pos, 0:34:25.840 --> 0:34:31.720 take this moment to deserve, if we meant it, if 0:34:31.760 --> 0:34:40.799 we talk, are felt around for far too. 0:34:39.320 --> 0:34:47.680 From things good Accidentally. Heavyweight is hosted and produced by 0:34:47.680 --> 0:34:50.920 me Jonathan Goldstein, along with Peter Bresnan, Khalila Holt, and 0:34:51.000 --> 0:34:54.120 Stevie Lane. The show is edited by Jorge Just, with 0:34:54.280 --> 0:34:57.960 additional editing by Alex Bloomberg. Special thanks to Emily Condon, 0:34:58.080 --> 0:35:01.640 Jasmine Romero, Matilda or Felina, Amber Davis, b A. Parker, 0:35:02.120 --> 0:35:05.400 and Jackie Cohen. Bobby Lord mixed the episode with music 0:35:05.400 --> 0:35:09.440 by Christine Fellows, Blue Dot Sessions and he himself, Bobby Lord. 0:35:09.920 --> 0:35:12.959 Additional music credits can be found on our website gimletmedia 0:35:13.040 --> 0:35:16.440 dot com slash Heavyweight. Our theme song is by The 0:35:16.440 --> 0:35:19.360 Weaker Thands courtesy of Epitaph Records, and our ad music 0:35:19.440 --> 0:35:22.360 is by Hailey Shaw. Follow us on Twitter at heavyweight 0:35:22.520 --> 0:35:25.919 or email us at Heavyweight at gimltmedia dot com. We'll 0:35:25.920 --> 0:35:28.280 have a brand new episode next week