The Heavy Wait Diaries: Chapter 4

Previously on Miller High Life Presents The Heavyweight Diaries. The 0:00:06.480 --> 0:00:10.399 new season of Heavyweight is progressing course Blossom Sauce I said, 0:00:10.680 --> 0:00:14.040 very very poor, love your little skit. All I've got 0:00:14.080 --> 0:00:30.320 is a big fat Canadian goose egg. I've just endured 0:00:30.680 --> 0:00:33.720 one of the most humiliating meetings of my adult life, 0:00:34.040 --> 0:00:39.000 I thunder, slamming the Heavyweight office door behind me. Worse 0:00:39.040 --> 0:00:41.600 than the meeting where HR called you out for stealing 0:00:41.600 --> 0:00:44.560 people's lunches from the fridge and you claimed you thought 0:00:44.600 --> 0:00:49.840 they were provided by Gimlet, asks Heavyweight producer Stevie Lane. 0:00:49.960 --> 0:00:52.240 I could have sworn that happened at my old job, 0:00:52.320 --> 0:00:57.200 I say, and yes, worse worse than the meeting where 0:00:57.240 --> 0:00:59.720 the marketing team informed you that you'd mistaken Twitter for 0:00:59.760 --> 0:01:03.960 Google and we're accidentally tweeting out your search queries, asks 0:01:04.000 --> 0:01:09.039 Heavyweight producer Khalila Holt. In my defense, the diarrhea hair 0:01:09.080 --> 0:01:13.360 loss can't stop sneezing. Am I dying? Tweet performed very well, 0:01:13.440 --> 0:01:18.200 I say, and yes, worse worse than the meeting where 0:01:18.240 --> 0:01:21.440 the Gimblet concierge team walked you through a thirty slide 0:01:21.440 --> 0:01:24.399 power point about what can and cannot be flushed and 0:01:24.480 --> 0:01:28.000 a commode after monogrammed socks in your style and size 0:01:28.000 --> 0:01:32.279 were found clogging three toilets, asks heavyweight producer Stevie Lane. 0:01:33.400 --> 0:01:36.440 That was never proven. I say, and I'll ask the 0:01:36.520 --> 0:01:39.800 questions around here. Why aren't the two of you doing 0:01:39.840 --> 0:01:44.520 any work? Neither producer makes a peep. I want ten 0:01:44.560 --> 0:01:47.680 heavyweight pitches on my desk by Monday morning. I bark 0:01:48.120 --> 0:01:51.760 as a walk out the door, but it's Friday afternoon. 0:01:52.080 --> 0:01:56.640 Both producers whimper and unison indeed it is, and it 0:01:56.720 --> 0:02:00.560 won't help to whimper. I whimper as the door slams 0:02:00.560 --> 0:02:10.760 behind me. The weekend is spent in a terrible funk. Where, 0:02:10.880 --> 0:02:14.240 oh where would I find a juicy, nourishing heavyweight for 0:02:14.360 --> 0:02:18.600 me to pluck and savor. I decide to spend Saturday 0:02:18.680 --> 0:02:22.799 wandering with microphone down the rickety boardwalks of Brighton Beach, 0:02:23.200 --> 0:02:30.040 Brooklyn's senior citizenist and Eastern European immigrantiist neighborhood. Care to 0:02:30.080 --> 0:02:34.160 share a regret? I ask passers by. I spend the 0:02:34.240 --> 0:02:37.160 day being showed away by shop keeps and told my 0:02:37.280 --> 0:02:40.840 mothers to stop poking my microphone into their baby carriages. 0:02:41.639 --> 0:02:46.120 Babies have regrets too, I say. As night begins to fall, 0:02:46.600 --> 0:02:48.960 I count the number of languages I've been sworn at 0:02:48.960 --> 0:02:55.040 in by my count two possibly three. Growing desperate, I 0:02:55.120 --> 0:02:58.639 wander out to the beach, flinging myself onto the sands, 0:02:58.720 --> 0:03:02.640 discarded diapers and needles. I beg the ocean's waves to 0:03:02.760 --> 0:03:06.480 drag me down to my watery grave. But when the 0:03:06.520 --> 0:03:10.400 waves creep too close to my penny loafers, I yip, squeal, 0:03:10.480 --> 0:03:14.440 and prance backwards to safety. Has there ever lived a 0:03:14.480 --> 0:03:18.080 more piteous creature? I howl at the heavens. I howl 0:03:18.160 --> 0:03:21.720 so loudly that a diminutive woman selling minced meat dumplings 0:03:21.720 --> 0:03:24.960 from a wooden cart sets down her ladle and asks 0:03:25.000 --> 0:03:30.399 if I'm okay, Have you any regrets? I snivel, mucus 0:03:30.400 --> 0:03:33.640 and tears streaming down my face as I clutch the 0:03:33.680 --> 0:03:37.640 cuff of her thick woolen pant leg. Some small moment 0:03:38.080 --> 0:03:42.320 from the past you wish to revisit with me on 0:03:42.400 --> 0:03:45.880 my hands and knees, and with both hands trembling, I 0:03:46.040 --> 0:03:50.040 raise my sand and cigarette butt covered microphone towards her face. 0:03:51.280 --> 0:03:55.480 You must, I say, turning her cart around. She wheels 0:03:55.480 --> 0:04:06.880 creakily back towards the boardwalk. I rise early the next morning, and, 0:04:06.960 --> 0:04:10.960 after a hearty breakfast of breadsticks and untainted yogurt, set 0:04:11.040 --> 0:04:15.400 off to the public library. The problem I've realized is 0:04:15.440 --> 0:04:18.560 that my search hasn't been random enough. There's no element 0:04:18.600 --> 0:04:22.600 of surprise. I'd like to check out a phone book, 0:04:22.640 --> 0:04:26.679 I exclaim loudly to the librarian. She shushes me down 0:04:27.000 --> 0:04:31.200 and tells me that phone books are now available online. Ah, 0:04:31.240 --> 0:04:35.279 the Internet, I herrumph, it's got at all, hasn't it? 0:04:35.720 --> 0:04:41.080 Everything from computer viruses to squared space? But no, What 0:04:41.160 --> 0:04:43.840 I require is an actual book I could smell and 0:04:44.000 --> 0:04:47.720 hold within my grasp that has actual pages I can 0:04:47.760 --> 0:04:52.279 actually flip through. The librarian quietly leads me into a 0:04:52.279 --> 0:04:55.040 boiler type room that looks as though it's not been 0:04:55.160 --> 0:04:59.919 visited since nineteen oh three, that monumental year when Miller 0:05:00.120 --> 0:05:07.680 High Life was born. The ceiling is leaking and oily 0:05:07.800 --> 0:05:11.039 water is pooling on the floor. Pushed up against a 0:05:11.080 --> 0:05:14.599 concrete wall is a card table stacked with phone books. 0:05:15.279 --> 0:05:18.840 I get to work immediately. I flip open one of 0:05:18.839 --> 0:05:23.440 the gargantuine volumes. May the fates guide my fingertip to 0:05:23.520 --> 0:05:26.479 the one name and number that will preserve me and 0:05:26.560 --> 0:05:30.719 my show. As I dial the number chosen at random, 0:05:30.960 --> 0:05:34.359 my hand shakes violently. I hold my breath as the 0:05:34.400 --> 0:05:39.000 phone rings. The first number is a mortuary. The second 0:05:39.120 --> 0:05:43.000 number is someone who doesn't speak English, the third number 0:05:43.360 --> 0:05:48.000 another mortuary. Finally, a man who sounds naked from the 0:05:48.040 --> 0:06:01.000 waist down tells me to drop dead, leave the library, 0:06:01.279 --> 0:06:03.720 and spend the rest of the day lying prone on 0:06:03.760 --> 0:06:07.960 the couch, reading an old soap opera digest and flipping 0:06:08.000 --> 0:06:11.160 Miller High Life bottle caps into an old timey hat. 0:06:12.200 --> 0:06:14.560 Two more days had passed and all I had to 0:06:14.600 --> 0:06:17.480 show for it was a half completed soap opera, digest, 0:06:17.520 --> 0:06:21.159 crossroad puzzle, and an old timey hat filled with Miller 0:06:21.240 --> 0:06:25.719 High Life bottle caps. Boy, all this bottle cap flipping 0:06:25.800 --> 0:06:38.920 sure was making me thirsty for Miller High Life. This 0:06:38.960 --> 0:06:42.200 has been Chapter four of the Heavyweight Diaries. The next 0:06:42.240 --> 0:06:45.560 season of Heavyweight will begin in five weeks on September 0:06:45.600 --> 0:06:48.640 twenty sixth. And remember, if you don't listen to Heavyweight 0:06:48.680 --> 0:06:52.800 on Spotify, Alex tells me, I'll be deemed superfluous and 0:06:52.960 --> 0:06:57.200 escorted out of the office. By Security. Heavyweight is Me 0:06:57.360 --> 0:07:01.520 Jonathan Goldstein along with Jorge just Vy Lane, Khalila Holt, 0:07:01.560 --> 0:07:04.839 and b A. Parker. This episode was mixed by Emamonger, 0:07:05.279 --> 0:07:08.880 music by Bobby lord our ad music is Vivaldi Spring 0:07:09.040 --> 0:07:12.960 performed by the Wichita State University Chamber Players. Will have 0:07:13.000 --> 0:07:16.040 a new chapter of the Heavyweight Diaries next week