Who Cares!

[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, what's going on?
[SPEAKER_00]: Grow squad.
[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to another episode of the Eugene Hamilton podcast.
[SPEAKER_00]: Hope you're doing well.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Book of the Month, although we're in August.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've been so blessed, so impacted by this book called Atomic Habits, we're going to continue delving in, diving in, and getting nuggets that will help us become better citizens of this world.
[SPEAKER_00]: Atomic Habits is a book that kind of helps you, it really helps you, and it really helps you to understand the power of taking small steps.
[SPEAKER_00]: Oftentimes when you take big chunks out, when you take huge steps and don't know what you're doing, where you're going sometimes that's a huge fall.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I want you to know that, hey, once you take small steps in life and compound those steps, eventually that will result in big, big things happening in your life.
[SPEAKER_00]: So don't you don't just forget, you take their first small step and the rest will take care of itself.
[SPEAKER_00]: As we kick off the day, that's going to have to wear the prayer
[SPEAKER_00]: this moment.
[SPEAKER_00]: This moment and every moment that brought us to this moment, we thank you for these moments.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for our time together.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for my friend who has tuned in today from wherever they are.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for the opportunity you've given to us to have a conversation.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for the growth that will take place.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for the level of uncomfortability that we may experience that will then result in growth.
[SPEAKER_00]: And thank you for the new lessons that we'll all learn together as we seek to become everything that we will want to be.
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you again for our time together in your name, Amen.
[SPEAKER_00]: Today we're talking about why I don't trust people and why there might be a good thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Today we're talking about why I don't trust people as a general rule.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just tickling me because it's funny.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because most people have, in fact, before Drake and Kim Jong-un, the more had their little beef battle, Drake had a song called Trust Issues.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't wanna admit it, but we got challenges trusting people.
[SPEAKER_00]: And many of us have challenges with trust.
[SPEAKER_00]: For good reason, let's be honest.
[SPEAKER_00]: How many of you all have ever had somebody miss handled your trust?
[SPEAKER_00]: Come on now.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll take it, I'll oftentimes, I'll take it to sports because that's something I enjoy watching.
[SPEAKER_00]: I've seen individuals who've passed the ball to somebody who kept missing open shots and the point guard stopped passing the ball to him because they missed handle their trust.
[SPEAKER_00]: Like dude, every time I pass you the ball, you missed the open shot, ain't passing the ball to you no more, I want trust to you.
[SPEAKER_00]: In life that happens to us, oftentimes we give people our heart.
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll give people our trust, we'll give people our support, we'll give people access to things in our lives that may be private, that may be personal and sometimes people mishandle you.
[SPEAKER_00]: Remember one time, once a master in college, FedEx was doing some kind of promotion where they were giving additional money for you, it wasn't a scholarship, but whatever it was, I worked the FedEx over a Christmas break, what do you miss the message was a Christmas break?
[SPEAKER_00]: So two, three weeks.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I remember there were packages that we would unload off the truck in one day, I mean it's overnight, no excuse.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I, I was, I just threw this package and something inside broke.
[SPEAKER_00]: I said, oh man, oh, wow.
[SPEAKER_00]: My partner that was with me throwing boxes as well.
[SPEAKER_00]: Look at the boxes that are Hamilton.
[SPEAKER_00]: This box has an extra layer of tape on it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And the top layer says fragile handle with care.
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't see it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was so, I was so interested in getting the work done.
[SPEAKER_00]: I was so interested in getting this shift over with I was so interested in trying to be finished first that I didn't take time To realize that this book or this box.
[SPEAKER_00]: I should say Actually had a label on it They said, how do we care?
[SPEAKER_00]: Now if I can't take care of a box
[SPEAKER_00]: it has a big yellow label on it.
[SPEAKER_00]: How do you think sometimes in life when we meet individuals who don't have a label on them, but they still require you to handle them with care?
[SPEAKER_00]: How many times in life have we been missed?
[SPEAKER_00]: I've been a lot of my work has been around impoverished neighborhoods.
[SPEAKER_00]: with young people who have sat down to share stories with me about how their dad or their parent promised them that they were going to come and see them and they've set outside for hours on end and their person never showed up.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so the next time dad or mama who ever called and said, I'm coming to pick you up, they didn't believe them.
[SPEAKER_00]: they lost trust.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't trust you no more.
[SPEAKER_00]: I spent my entire day with my bags packed sitting on the porch for you to show up and not only did you not show up, you didn't call to say something came up.
[SPEAKER_00]: You lost much trust.
[SPEAKER_00]: In life, it's hard to gain the trust of people
[SPEAKER_00]: It's almost like if this whole trust challenge is one sided because it takes so long, in many cases, to build trust.
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's oftentimes it just takes one ear move to lose it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure you could spend a year, six months, getting to know somebody, building up trust and confidence in you.
[SPEAKER_00]: And you can do one thing that may cause them to question your character or question if I should trust you, and it all goes down the drain.
[SPEAKER_00]: Survey done by the Pew Research Center.
[SPEAKER_00]: Found that only 31% of people say that most people can be trusted.
[SPEAKER_00]: What they're saying is 69% of people that they surveyed said that, hey, I can't trust people.
[SPEAKER_00]: And most of them said it not because they just don't trust people because they don't want to.
[SPEAKER_00]: But they've been burned.
[SPEAKER_00]: They've been abused.
[SPEAKER_00]: They've been traumatized.
[SPEAKER_00]: They've tried to trust.
[SPEAKER_00]: They've tried to have confidence in somebody
[SPEAKER_00]: And we know for a while that a lot of people, in fact I talk to people oftentimes who let's say for answers, they've lost confidence or trust in church.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's just as an example.
[SPEAKER_00]: This is not me talking about church as a general rule, but there are people who have lost trust in the institution of church.
[SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes, in fact, most times when I kind of talk these people to get down to the bottom of this is not because they no longer believe in God or no longer believe in holy writings or no longer believe in the Bible is because somebody in the church that they trusted, misrepresentate who they claim to serve.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_00]: It wasn't because the people would no longer trust God or trust the institution, oftentimes people that have lost confidence in religious institutions is because they've lost, they've lost, they've lost confidence in a person that claimed to represent God or that institution.
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's not, it's not, it's not a foreign ideal or concept to be to know that 69% of people
[SPEAKER_00]: or leery or like, you know what?
[SPEAKER_00]: Show me some evidence first that you should be trusted.
[SPEAKER_00]: People are saying, listen, I no longer want my heart to be broken.
[SPEAKER_00]: I no longer want my mind to be tempered with.
[SPEAKER_00]: I no longer want you to miss handle me.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want you to show me some evidence that you deserve to be trusted.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because going back to that basketball and housing, I don't want to pass the ball to you again and you missed it open lay up.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to pass the ball to you again and you throw it out of bounds.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to believe that you're going to say you're going to do something that you're going to do and you don't follow through.
[SPEAKER_00]: So people have difficulty by and large trusting other humans for three main reasons.
[SPEAKER_00]: to include being traumatized, be trade or hurt by another human.
[SPEAKER_00]: By and large, when you find individuals who don't trust something or somebody, they either been traumatized, be trade or hurt not, so here it is, because this is this is true in
[SPEAKER_00]: In fact, I remember one time I had the privilege of sitting down with a couple that was to be married.
[SPEAKER_00]: And now conversation together, the, um, soon to be wife kept making reference to the soon to be husband as somebody that she, couldn't trust.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, well, she never said it like that, but she kind of eluded to the fact that not only, it's not about him.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't trust me.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I said, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
[SPEAKER_00]: This had nothing to do with something that he did.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's be clear, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: She said, oh no, how long do I do it here?
[SPEAKER_00]: I just, my last boyfriend did X, Y, and Z, and the boyfriend before that, so to do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: So sometimes in life, people may not have had a bad experience with you, but they've had a bad experience with a person that sits in your position.
[SPEAKER_00]: They had a bad experience with another teacher.
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you were a teacher sitting behind that desk, it has nothing to do with you.
[SPEAKER_00]: They had a bad experience with somebody else.
[SPEAKER_00]: And unfortunately, that individual absent of therapy, counseling, and coming to an agreement, they may just go through life for the rest of their lives, having trust issues with people that sit in the same seat
[SPEAKER_00]: The second reason why people sometimes have trust issues is because of low self worth.
[SPEAKER_00]: They have low self esteem.
[SPEAKER_00]: Check this out.
[SPEAKER_00]: And they feel unworthy and insecure.
[SPEAKER_00]: So let me how can I say it better.
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's not even about them not trusting you.
[SPEAKER_00]: They don't think that they're worthy of being trusted.
[SPEAKER_00]: In other words, it's funny because I used to try to run the streets.
[SPEAKER_00]: I tried to.
[SPEAKER_00]: It wasn't good at it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I tried to dabble on the block and do some kind, but that wasn't my lane.
[SPEAKER_00]: But sometimes I would meet individuals who had challenges trusting me because they knew they were low down in dirty.
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
[SPEAKER_00]: It had nothing to do with anything that I'd done.
[SPEAKER_00]: It had everything to do with the fact that they knew that they were
[SPEAKER_00]: not worthy of being trusted.
[SPEAKER_00]: To then they project the same engineer, everybody else.
[SPEAKER_00]: And now you can be trusted.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can be trusted.
[SPEAKER_00]: No, it's not about them.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's about I can be trusted.
[SPEAKER_00]: Then there are those who feel insecure and unworthy.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because of just simply having low self esteem.
[SPEAKER_00]: And they don't think that they are good enough.
[SPEAKER_00]: to warrant you trusting them.
[SPEAKER_00]: They don't feel like they've done enough and we talked a few episodes ago about the imposter syndrome is along those lines, but they don't feel as if they are worthy of everything that comes with you trusting them.
[SPEAKER_00]: Then the third reason why people sometimes have trust issues.
[SPEAKER_00]: is because they're simply unrealistic expectations.
[SPEAKER_00]: So I've trusted you to do something that I knew was and humanly possible, yet I trusted you to do it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And when you didn't do it, now I've lost trust in you.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's unfair.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's my show, so that's my opinion.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's kind of unfair.
[SPEAKER_00]: If I think you're going to move mountains, and you
[SPEAKER_00]: But I gave you every confidence and I can fight, I believe that you could move a mountain and you didn't move the mountain now.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't trust you that we never discussed.
[SPEAKER_00]: Me moving no mountain.
[SPEAKER_00]: But by and large people have trust issues.
[SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes people that have been broken, people that have been traumatized,
[SPEAKER_00]: And they're different categories of abuse.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not just talking about physical abuse.
[SPEAKER_00]: It could be emotional abuse, mental abuse, whatever.
[SPEAKER_00]: People have been abused, traumatized, betrayed.
[SPEAKER_00]: They have difficulty trusting people.
[SPEAKER_00]: I personally know that humans are going to human.
[SPEAKER_00]: In other words, I have a healthy understanding of the reality.
[SPEAKER_00]: that human beings are imperfect.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, we are, we are not, are there some general basic foundational things that we should abide by?
[SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, I shouldn't hit you.
[SPEAKER_00]: I, I, I, I shouldn't call it that.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's some things, there's some basic fundamentals that I'm saying, man, is a human being, at least be decent.
[SPEAKER_00]: But do I expect you to be perfect?
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely not.
[SPEAKER_00]: If I ask you to respect something, that's my property, do I expect you to do that?
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't trust you to do something now that, in fact, I used to have a challenge growing up because I would oftentimes be punished for things that I wasn't taught not to do or to do.
[SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes I was say to myself, man, wow, how can I be hailed to a standard to do something?
[SPEAKER_00]: my dad was in a tree and he actually went to back up to we had a winch with a cable on the front of the truck and he actually went to back the truck up and to do something.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know if I got exactly what I don't know if I was pulling a limb or pulling a long, I don't know what I was doing exactly, but I don't know that was the first time I actually got in the car and moved it with his permission.
[SPEAKER_00]: Let me say it that way, don't ask me what I mean by that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I threw it around and I did something with the car, it jerked the limb, I think hit the fender and I got into some big trouble.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I'm saying, man, I've never had to do that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And the response that I received was, but you saw me do it before.
[SPEAKER_00]: And man, that was difficult for me to stomach because I'm saying to myself, wow, I mean, okay, I probably did see you do it, but I wasn't sitting down and I wasn't to learn it.
[SPEAKER_00]: I just kind of observed it.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I started my dad, man, I don't want that to do.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just saying, there were moments in my life that I look back and I say to myself, I trust was lost for a period of time, based on me not being able to complete something and that wasn't properly taught to get done.
[SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes in life it happens to us.
[SPEAKER_00]: And we've got to understand that,
[SPEAKER_00]: In relationships, in community, whatever the connection might be, oftentimes, we've got to do the hard work of teaching people what my expectations look like and here is how you can gain trust from me.
[SPEAKER_00]: Here is how this thing should play out.
[SPEAKER_00]: Not to a tea, but oftentimes in life, listen, I know that humans are humans.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I say to myself, wow, if this person hasn't been taught better, I don't expect better.
[SPEAKER_00]: If this person, in fact, I remember one time, one of my early jobs, I'm tomorrow right out of college, was I was a substitute teacher.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was in the hood.
[SPEAKER_00]: I left my wallet on the table on the desk.
[SPEAKER_00]: I went to the bathroom, came back, while it was gone.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's middle class.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, it had 20 kids in there.
[SPEAKER_00]: Nobody knew what happened to the wallet.
[SPEAKER_00]: I couldn't get mad because I'm in a neighborhood
[SPEAKER_00]: where people were working hard to make ends meet.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not an excuse.
[SPEAKER_00]: In fact, I'll hear in the West Coast, a lot of things are happening now, we break ends of people, I just desperate.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not giving an excuse.
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, it would be a great thing for people to go get a job or to make an honest living, but sometimes people only do things that they picked up from other people.
[SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes individuals shout out to my man on the breakfast club, we're talking about the fact that sometimes people would trauma bond over the wrong things.
[SPEAKER_00]: So, oh, we all broke.
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my goodness, we all don't have anything to eat.
[SPEAKER_00]: So let's go breaking somebody's house.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're trauma bonding.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're traumatized by their situation.
[SPEAKER_00]: They're traumatized by poverty.
[SPEAKER_00]: And so our common theme is we all need some money.
[SPEAKER_00]: We all need to weigh out.
[SPEAKER_00]: Need a way out and I'll put a wallet on the table with money in the wallet.
[SPEAKER_00]: They took the whole wallet I couldn't.
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't even get mad.
[SPEAKER_00]: I said I end up saying man, I hope I hope whoever took the wallet.
[SPEAKER_00]: I hope that whatever you need it out of that wallet, you can get.
[SPEAKER_00]: This you can do is give my license back.
[SPEAKER_00]: The next day I got back to school, the wallet was there, but of course the cash was gone.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I expect human beings to be human beings.
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's imperfect.
[SPEAKER_00]: And here's some key benefits of being cautious when it comes to building trust with people.
[SPEAKER_00]: In other words, like, you know, I see babies and young people all the time that just trust anybody.
[SPEAKER_00]: I loved innocence of it.
[SPEAKER_00]: But I know that trouble it can get you into if you're not cautious down the line.
[SPEAKER_00]: And here's some key benefits that have worked in my favor.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to give to you real quickly.
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, with regard to making sure you do your due diligence and trying to build trust with the right people.
[SPEAKER_00]: One of the key benefits is self protection.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're cautious with how you build trust and who do you build trust with,
[SPEAKER_00]: you can safeguard your personal information to some degree and you can in many cases prevent levels of emotional harm.
[SPEAKER_00]: If you are cautious, if you are careful with and not just just give in everybody information and connecting with everybody and everybody if you are cautious enough and you learn that there are some benefits.
[SPEAKER_00]: with not just giving trust to everybody, one of the key benefits to self protection.
[SPEAKER_00]: The second benefit that I would offer is personal growth.
[SPEAKER_00]: You're strengthening your intuition.
[SPEAKER_00]: You develop something that's called discernment, right?
[SPEAKER_00]: And you also learn from experience along the way.
[SPEAKER_00]: The third thing, the key benefit of being cautious
[SPEAKER_00]: allow people to have to gain your trust?
[SPEAKER_00]: Is it helps to promote better decision-making?
[SPEAKER_00]: It also enhances professional success as well.
[SPEAKER_00]: So let me break two of these down and then I will let you get about your day.
[SPEAKER_00]: You are caution and I am caution to be wise to have wisdom.
[SPEAKER_00]: And in fact, one of the key characters in the Bible is a guy named Solomon who didn't ask God for money, for riches, or for a brand new car when God said, you can ask me for anything he said, God, give me, give me wisdom.
[SPEAKER_00]: We got to use wisdom when it comes to decision making, we got to use wisdom when it comes to trust.
[SPEAKER_00]: We got to use wisdom when it comes to building healthy relationships.
[SPEAKER_00]: And in doing so, I've got a couple more notes I want to share with you when promoting when we when we when I say the trust issues are when we when I say the key benefits of sometimes being cautious and trusting people promotes better decision making.
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes it minimizes risk.
[SPEAKER_00]: You can you can you can better assess potential risks.
[SPEAKER_00]: Have you ever been in, and I've seen people I grew up with a bunch of sisters.
[SPEAKER_00]: And I've seen people, my sisters and otherwise, people that I've grew up with who I call sisters, I'm saying, man, why did you trust that Joker?
[SPEAKER_00]: And I may have used another word, but that's need to hit her out there.
[SPEAKER_00]: And they got caught up in flowery words, they got caught up in gifts.
[SPEAKER_00]: and they missed the signs.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, if you just paid it, if you sat in one conversation with this Joker, you would know for a while that they are not to be trusted.
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, if you really, you wanna date with this guy, but you was just so enamored with the gift that he bought you, the flowers that he bought you, that you missed that sign.
[SPEAKER_00]: He telling, he told you, the first date that he's not to be trusted.
[SPEAKER_00]: But sometimes we're blinded.
[SPEAKER_00]: by what's flashy, by what's shiny, and by what sounds good.
[SPEAKER_00]: See, people know what you want to hear, and sometimes we find ourselves bringing trust issues to our own front door because we don't use wisdom.
[SPEAKER_00]: and building connects.
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to charge you, I listen.
[SPEAKER_00]: The next time you find yourself in close proximity or with someone that is trying to gain your trust, that is trying to get your attention, that is trying to spend more time with you pay attention.
[SPEAKER_00]: No, you can say you just have a lot of hard
[SPEAKER_00]: right if you if you simply get back i mean i mean this text and stuff you can get to know nobody be a text i don't care who it is learn how to sit down and use these two things that you were given use your two ears you're given one mouth but double two ears to listen and figure out what i should do when i should do it how i should do it and who deserves it
[SPEAKER_00]: that as you listen to this podcast a day that you understand that there's power and being the person that is trustworthy yeah you you you you build you build trustworthiness by keeping your word by being honest by being authentic by doing everything that you you promise you you build you want to be a person who is trustworthy at all times
[SPEAKER_00]: But the same token as you feel trustworthiness within yourself, I want you to also use discernment, use wisdom when it comes to trusting others and don't just be guided by your emotions, but be guided by the spirit that's within you and the wisdom that you've been given as well.
[SPEAKER_00]: Hope today that you've
[SPEAKER_00]: You've taken some nuggets, some takeaways from our conversation the day, and I'm hoping that you understand that there's power in being a person that can be trusted, and there's also power in learning and knowing who you can trust.
[SPEAKER_00]: So as you go about your day to day, as you go about your week, whether you were in school, whether you were at work, whether you stayed home, mom, whatever you're doing, get your own business, whatever you're doing.
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm hoping that you are a person that has integrity, and that you can be trusted along the way.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't forget, go to our website, www.UG&JHowMonson.org, hit that shop button to get you a gold, gold, gold, gold shirt.
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't you also forget that on that same website?
[SPEAKER_00]: If you'd like to meet it come to your institution, your school, your business, your organization to do some motivation and speaking, I'm available and I would love to support your calls as we go, grow, and glow together.
[SPEAKER_00]: Check the show notes today also.
[SPEAKER_00]: A timing habit is right there.
[SPEAKER_00]: Click that link and get you the book of the month so we can grow together.
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, y'all take care.
[SPEAKER_00]: Have a great rest of your week.
[SPEAKER_00]: See