344 | Neutral Truth, Big Impact: Communicating with Children and Advocating for Them

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi,

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I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode,

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I am answering a couple of questions from Chloe in Georgia.

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And one is about how we explain or present something about ourselves

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that needs to be communicated to child clients

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when it's related to our health or our needs

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and our ability to engage in child-centered play therapy

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and then the second is how do we address.

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Kids that are struggling and the nuances of

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parents and teachers and pediatricians and all

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of the pressure from every which way.

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So we're going to dive into both of those questions.

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Chloe,

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thank you so much for the email.

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So let's start with the first question.

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What do you recommend when a therapist is experiencing a health change

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that the child may not know about or needs to be shared,

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for example,

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early pregnancy,

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chronic illness,

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pain,

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etc.

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that leads the therapist going through change and potentially

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setting limits that they weren't able to set before

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or not being able to engage and play in the same way.

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I'm actually really glad to answer this question on an episode because we've

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talked about this quite a bit in coaching and in the collective,

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but I don't think we've specifically done anything about it on the podcast yet.

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So more often than not,

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therapists tend to avoid having these conversations for a variety of reasons,

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the

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predominant one being we're not supposed to make sessions about ourselves

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and we try not to self-disclose a whole lot.

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So obviously if we're dealing with something

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personally,

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Then we try to just kind of keep that independent of the sessions.

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Second consideration

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is

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we don't want to

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bring something into the session that might derail

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or disrupt what the child needs to do

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and so for those reasons and several others I suppose

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we tend to be a little bit closed

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lipped about things that probably should be addressed.

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So one of the most helpful things we can do.

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For any scenario is age appropriate truth.

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This is what we advocate for parents.

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This is what we advocate for

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the well-being of kids in general.

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Kids need to be given truth at an age appropriate level.

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And if we're going to have any changes,

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any limitations,

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any difficulty

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in session.

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That's something that impacts kids.

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So it's something that needs to be discussed,

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and there are neutral,

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calm,

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factual ways to do that.

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And here's the beauty of

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humans,

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but also kids specifically.

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When they have a why.

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They're very gracious,

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they're very understanding,

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they're very accommodating.

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I've had therapists with chronic conditions.

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I've had therapists with flare ups

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from pervasive conditions.

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I've had therapists that have had surgery.

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I've had therapists that have been sick.

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I've had therapists that have been in car accidents.

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I've had therapists that

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are pregnant.

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I've had,

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I mean,

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you name it,

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we,

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we are going to have stuff happen in our life.

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And because we're human,

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those things impact our ability to function.

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CCPT is a physical

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job.

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We were talking about this on a Collective call a couple of weeks ago.

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It is a physical job.

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I mean,

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if you want to just sit and do nothing all day,

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CCPT is not for you.

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This requires a lot of movement and engagement and and physicality.

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It's just the nature of what we're doing.

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So,

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therefore,

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if we have anything that is going to be prohibitive.

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Kids need to know

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if it's temporary or permanent.

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These are my limitations.

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It's not that we can't engage,

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we just engage differently,

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but kids need to understand what the boundaries are

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and the why.

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So Chloe,

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to answer your question with specific wording,

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one of the things that I encourage therapists to say,

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and I've even said this to my own clients.

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You really want me to.

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We're always going to lead with a validation,

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reflection of need,

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desire,

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wish,

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feeling,

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whatever.

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You really want me

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to

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run and chase you.

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Or you really want me to sword fight with you,

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or you really want me to lay on the floor,

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or you really want me to whatever.

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So we're always going to validate and acknowledge what the need is.

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And then we set a neutral limit.

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But my back is actually really sore right now,

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and I'm not able to do that today.

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Or

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I'm pregnant and it's gonna be too hard for me to stand up if I sit on the floor,

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or

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I have something in my body that makes it really hard for me to

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run.

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It's neutral age appropriate truth,

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but it's a why.

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We're not saying no,

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I won't play with you.

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We're not saying no,

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I can't do that.

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We're not saying I won't do that.

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We're setting a limit on what it is that is going to be too difficult for us.

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And

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one of two things is going to happen.

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The kid's going to wait for you to

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go on and that's when you're going to provide alternatives

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that are mutually acceptable

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to you and the child

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or the child is going to immediately problem solve.

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This actually happens more often than not because when a

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child realizes that there's something going on with you,

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look,

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kids have a relationship with you,

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kids care about you,

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kids love you.

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They're not going to want you to get hurt.

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They're not going to want you to do something that's

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going to be hard or difficult or painful for you.

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So many times they'll go,

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oh,

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OK,

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well you don't have to chase me then,

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you just have to.

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And they're going to give you an alternative and as long as that is appropriate

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for your limitations,

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then you're gonna say

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you figured out a way for me to do that.

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You solved the problem.

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If they don't jump in with that,

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you're going to provide alternatives.

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You can choose for me to.

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Chase you while I'm in my rolly chair

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or you can choose for me to.

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Touch you with the sword

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and tag you that way.

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OK,

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so now what you're doing is you're meeting the child's original need.

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If they wanna play tag.

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It's not that you're not willing or able to play tag.

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There just has to be a different way in which you play tag.

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So I can either roll in the chair and try to get you,

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or I can try to touch you with the sword.

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Which do you choose?

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It becomes an empowerment choice.

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Because you're communicating,

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I want to meet your need.

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There are just specific ways that this has to be done for my health or my pain

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or my condition.

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So that's the way that I have handled that

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and I've encouraged many therapists to handle that.

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Kids are very understanding and very gracious.

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When you make it clear what's going on.

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OK,

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so that's first question.

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Second question is about kids that are really dealing with a

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lot and all of the things that come with that.

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So let's dive into that.

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I absolutely adore working with little ones,

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and a good bit of my caseload is kids who have either been

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abused at daycare or preschool and or kicked out or on

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the verge of being kicked out of their daycare and preschool.

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I also have many kids who are

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struggling behaviorally and academically in kindergarten.

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They're COVID babies.

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Parents are overwhelmed,

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but the kids are so overwhelmed.

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I find myself feeling really frustrated and protective of the children and often

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feel defeated in having so many of these conversations about child development.

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Educating on why it's not ODD.

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Then she says,

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parenthetically,

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seriously,

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I have a disdain for this diagnosis,

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as do I,

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Chloe,

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I'm,

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I'm on your side on that one.

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After schools have placed labels on the child,

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the impact of full daycare and preschool and kindergarten,

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and so many other things,

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I constantly feel like I'm one of the only people who see the child for the child

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and have worked very hard on helping the parents see those things too.

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However,

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I find that they're jumping too fast into getting so many services in place,

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getting formal diagnoses,

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etc.

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they panic.

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While there are children I work with that I do recommend doing this,

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most of the children present as children who have had negative relationships

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with adults and are needing to rebuild their self-concept and self-esteem,

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attachment,

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and are dealing with power and control issues through aggressive behaviors.

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Sometimes I feel the information goes in one ear and out the other,

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whether it's parents,

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teachers,

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etc.

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I guess because this has been so prevalent within my case load,

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I've become overwhelmed and a little defeated

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about the impact of these school environments that are

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so negatively impacting kids and not developmentally responsive.

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OK.

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So there's a lot there,

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but really,

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if we boil it all down,

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I always like to funnel things down to a singular point.

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Really what everything that you're talking about in that question,

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it comes down to

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we have to advocate.

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In the academic environments.

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In our communities,

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in our towns,

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in our cities,

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in our states,

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in our provinces,

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in our countries,

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in the world at large,

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we need to be a voice

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of advocacy

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for kids

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in the academic

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scenarios.

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Preschools,

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daycares,

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elementary schools,

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middle schools,

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private schools,

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charter schools,

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public schools,

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you name it.

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They are not designed.

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They are not equipped.

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And they are not developmentally appropriately governed.

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And it's not through the school's fault,

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it's not through administration's fault.

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But we have a very unique opportunity.

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To partner with schools,

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to partner with teachers.

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To go in and do psycho education,

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to

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have conversations,

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to introduce

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CCPT concepts to them.

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Many of you are,

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and here's your high five and your hug.

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I am so excited

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about the movement that is taking place.

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CCPTs are all in

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00:10:40,409 --> 00:10:41,770
about partnering with schools.

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Many of you have actually started integrating child

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teacher relationship training in your local schools.

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That is so exciting.

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Many of you are running CCPT classrooms

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in schools.

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Many of you are running CCPT private schools.

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I know what is taking place all over the world and CCPT is at the forefront of it.

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It's exciting.

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This is something that we

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are called to do.

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Kids spend more time at school

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than with anyone else.

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So when teachers

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do not understand kids and their needs and their development

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and

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relationship principles and be with attitudes.

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It's creating lasting impact.

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They're with teachers and in the school

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environment more than they're with their parents,

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far more than they're with us.

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This is a huge opportunity and yes it's frustrating to see it unfold

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but we have the opportunity and the responsibility

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to get involved

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and to create change.

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So yes,

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100% CCPT needs to be in schools

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and that's what we're fighting for,

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that's what we're working toward,

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that should be absolutely a focus for us.

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To address some of the other things that you mentioned.

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Almost always when parents are overwhelmed.

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They panic,

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absolutely,

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I agree with that wording,

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and

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many times parents are just grasping at straws thinking,

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well,

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if I just do like 6 things,

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one of them will maybe work.

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So that's a very common process

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when parents are like,

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oh my goodness,

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these things are going haywire real fast.

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Well,

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let's do this,

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let's do this,

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let's do this,

335
00:12:25,969 --> 00:12:28,489
and it's throw the spaghetti at the wall and hope that it sticks.

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So in that scenario,

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one of the things that we have to do for parents

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00:12:33,210 --> 00:12:34,559
is help them understand

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00:12:34,849 --> 00:12:36,929
that we need to change one thing at a time.

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00:12:38,140 --> 00:12:40,010
And if they're pursuing CCPT,

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that is the one change.

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In other words,

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we can't change everything all at once because

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then we're never going to know what's working

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00:12:48,469 --> 00:12:51,700
and or not working and then causality goes out the window

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00:12:52,169 --> 00:12:55,020
and then there's no way for us to prove efficacy

347
00:12:55,020 --> 00:12:58,659
of anything if you introduce 4 new things all at once

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00:12:58,989 --> 00:13:00,820
and things get better or worse.

349
00:13:01,659 --> 00:13:03,809
How do we know which one is creating

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00:13:04,010 --> 00:13:04,369
the,

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00:13:04,380 --> 00:13:06,229
the change in either direction?

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00:13:06,460 --> 00:13:07,090
We don't.

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00:13:07,820 --> 00:13:10,219
So one of the things that we have to advocate is

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let's just focus on therapy for now.

355
00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:17,489
And if we feel like down the road we still wanna pursue diagnosis,

356
00:13:17,570 --> 00:13:18,559
we can talk about it.

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00:13:18,929 --> 00:13:23,090
If down the road we feel like we still need to pursue OT or speech or PT.

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00:13:23,849 --> 00:13:24,280
Then

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sorry,

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00:13:25,289 --> 00:13:27,049
outside of the states people physical therapy,

361
00:13:27,059 --> 00:13:28,090
occupational therapy,

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00:13:28,169 --> 00:13:29,000
speech therapy,

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00:13:29,770 --> 00:13:32,200
if we still need to pursue those things we can talk about it.

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00:13:32,570 --> 00:13:34,400
If we still wanna pursue medication,

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00:13:34,650 --> 00:13:35,599
we can talk about it,

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00:13:35,729 --> 00:13:36,640
but right now,

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00:13:36,849 --> 00:13:40,479
let's just change one thing we know CCPT works,

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00:13:40,729 --> 00:13:42,479
let's give it time to do what it does

369
00:13:42,729 --> 00:13:43,809
and we'll reevaluate.

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00:13:44,309 --> 00:13:45,890
That's another point of advocacy.

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00:13:45,929 --> 00:13:48,679
We have to slow the pace down for parents.

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00:13:49,090 --> 00:13:50,080
They are panicking,

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00:13:50,109 --> 00:13:53,619
which means they're gonna do as many things as they can fast and furiously.

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00:13:54,479 --> 00:13:55,820
And our job is to say,

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00:13:55,830 --> 00:13:56,539
hang on,

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00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:58,539
we're gonna trust the process here.

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00:13:59,469 --> 00:14:00,989
We're going to let this play out.

378
00:14:01,270 --> 00:14:03,260
I'm going to support you along the whole way.

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00:14:04,169 --> 00:14:06,309
I am a part of this journey with you.

380
00:14:07,330 --> 00:14:08,640
As your family

381
00:14:09,010 --> 00:14:10,419
continues through therapy.

382
00:14:11,260 --> 00:14:12,849
Let's just see what happens.

383
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:14,809
We have to advocate for that,

384
00:14:15,299 --> 00:14:16,219
and yes,

385
00:14:16,299 --> 00:14:17,289
absolutely.

386
00:14:18,159 --> 00:14:20,130
There's a sense of.

387
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:23,599
If we're gonna do this and this and this and this and this,

388
00:14:24,210 --> 00:14:24,780
and

389
00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:26,479
we know differently,

390
00:14:26,650 --> 00:14:28,080
people don't know what they don't know.

391
00:14:28,570 --> 00:14:30,039
So as frustrating as it is,

392
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:31,570
as defeating as it can be.

393
00:14:32,419 --> 00:14:36,599
I am constantly bringing myself back to people don't know what they don't know.

394
00:14:38,140 --> 00:14:40,419
So I'm going to do everything I can.

395
00:14:41,489 --> 00:14:43,619
To meet this child where he or she is,

396
00:14:43,710 --> 00:14:46,739
I'm going to do everything I can to be with this child.

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00:14:46,909 --> 00:14:49,280
I'm going to be CCPT with this child.

398
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:51,969
We know that regardless of what's going

399
00:14:51,969 --> 00:14:54,309
on in other relationships and other environments,

400
00:14:54,919 --> 00:14:57,729
CCPT changes the child they build coping,

401
00:14:57,799 --> 00:14:58,880
they build resilience

402
00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:00,390
they build self concept,

403
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:01,950
they build self regulation

404
00:15:02,260 --> 00:15:03,909
in spite of everything else,

405
00:15:04,159 --> 00:15:05,549
they still heal

406
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,469
they still self-actualize,

407
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,950
and so I'm constantly saying people don't know what they don't know.

408
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,349
If I'm given the platform,

409
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:15,590
I'm absolutely going to try to help them know.

410
00:15:16,969 --> 00:15:18,820
But in the midst of all of that,

411
00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:19,929
my role,

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00:15:20,159 --> 00:15:21,590
my number one priority.

413
00:15:22,390 --> 00:15:24,080
is to pour into this child

414
00:15:24,580 --> 00:15:26,320
so that the child can

415
00:15:26,739 --> 00:15:30,500
build the skills and the tools and the awareness that he or she needs.

416
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,450
To address all of these environments

417
00:15:34,450 --> 00:15:37,270
and relationships and situations more appropriately.

418
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:39,590
That is

419
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:40,380
the

420
00:15:40,679 --> 00:15:41,349
catalyst.

421
00:15:42,210 --> 00:15:43,489
We can't control environment,

422
00:15:43,570 --> 00:15:44,840
we can't control people,

423
00:15:44,969 --> 00:15:47,020
we can't control circumstances.

424
00:15:47,330 --> 00:15:50,559
We only have control over our engagement and investment with that child.

425
00:15:51,429 --> 00:15:53,000
So we fall back on that.

426
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:54,609
I know this model works.

427
00:15:54,690 --> 00:15:58,369
I know this model will equip this child to handle situations.

428
00:15:59,599 --> 00:16:01,500
And then as much as possible,

429
00:16:01,710 --> 00:16:04,070
we use opportunities to plant seeds

430
00:16:04,070 --> 00:16:06,780
and to have conversations and to psycho-educate

431
00:16:07,030 --> 00:16:09,539
and to do what we need to do to advocate on behalf of that child.

432
00:16:10,429 --> 00:16:10,909
So Chloe,

433
00:16:10,940 --> 00:16:12,059
I hope that that is helpful.

434
00:16:12,099 --> 00:16:13,650
I hope that's helpful for all of you.

435
00:16:14,289 --> 00:16:16,729
Certainly things that we face consistently

436
00:16:17,140 --> 00:16:19,539
across our work with children in CCPT.

437
00:16:19,859 --> 00:16:21,099
So I'm very grateful for the email.

438
00:16:21,140 --> 00:16:22,020
If y'all want to email me,

439
00:16:22,099 --> 00:16:24,330
please do brenna@thekidcounselor.com.

440
00:16:24,580 --> 00:16:25,059
I love you all.

441
00:16:25,099 --> 00:16:25,900
We'll talk again soon.

442
00:16:26,099 --> 00:16:26,299
Bye.

443
00:16:27,359 --> 00:16:30,119
Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr.

444
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:31,239
Brenna Hicks.

445
00:16:31,359 --> 00:16:33,320
For more episodes and resources,

446
00:16:33,479 --> 00:16:38,229
please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.