The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1

One two three, Save Christmas The Jew Who Saved Christmas
Written by Selina Warren and Marissa Reid. Episode one, interior
O'Hare Airport, Chicago, early evening. The airport is bustling with
holiday excitement. O'Hair haole is decked out with bows of holly.
Red velvet bows hang festively. Light up turtle doves float
below the skylight ceiling where snowflakes dance to Carol's playing
over the loudspeakers. It's Christmas Eve. On the moving walkway,
we meet our hero, Bernie Gold. The neon lights turn
blue and white, creating a halo of Jewish light around
our lead. Bernie is a mess. Her spirit Airlines uniform
is untucked and unwashed with zero fox to give. Bernie
takes a massive hit off her vape as she exhales
our title slaps the Jew Who Saved Christmas Bernie, introducing
the bane of Bernie's existence. Agent gimbal a tsa agent
who takes his job very seriously. His muscles bowlge out
of his uniform as he scolds Bernie.
If I gave a rat's ass about Christmas, I'd say
you just gave me a presence.
Agent Gimble writes up a formal complaint.
Vaping violation Code two one nine. No way you're getting
out of this one. Enjoy getting si chick.
Bernie blows her vape smoked directly into his chiseled trap
before walking away.
I will get you gone, Bernie.
Interior Spirit Airlines counter O'Hare. Moments later, Bernie stands behind
the check encounter, staring blankly at an angry customer. Is
overweight bag on the scale between them.
I'm already paying a fee for choosing my seat, a
fee for my backpack, a fee to drink water, and
now you want me to pay an extra twenty five
dollars because my bag is one pound overweight.
I don't make the rules, sir, I just barely get
paid to enforce them.
You can't make an exception. It's one pound.
Your airline is named Spirit, and it's Christmas Eve for
the seventh night of Hanakah.
The customer wipes away the spit that landed in his eye.
Bernie leans over the counter, tell you what I'm.
Gonna help you out?
Yes, thank you.
Lose the line, and no matter the way, I'll wave
the sea.
Unbelievable. The angry customer digs through his bag and slams
the bottle on the counter as he walks.
Away Enjoy Baltimore.
Bernie turns to Eve, her best friend and festive coworker.
Eve's joyous direct and is a firm believer of fate.
As Eve looks heavy bags onto the conveyor belt, Bernie
gooses her with the bottle of wine.
Don't do that now, I don't have to pick up
a bottle for the party tonight.
It's a hana kh miracle.
I didn't know your kind had those.
We invented them. Cheers, bitch.
You just shove that up my butt and now you're
gonna serve it to your family.
Dah.
Eve reaches under the counter to grab something.
If your crude as celebrated my reason for this season,
you'd get nothing but cold.
Since you don't, I got you a little something for
hankkah ah.
Eve, you caught me a present. Good because I also
got you something.
Bernie reaches under her side of the counter and pulls
out more contraband, this time absent.
I saw you confiscate that.
Yeah for you, You're welcome. Okay my turn.
Bernie unwraps her gift and her face drops when she
sees that inside lies a flight attendant application.
You filled out my application?
You welcome.
That's mail fraud.
You've been putting it off.
Look be I still really want to go through training together,
but I can't wait any longer.
I'm manifesting getting my wings in the new year.
This was hate mail, not a present.
I know you don't believe in sign but I printed
out my application.
In two came out. See everything happens for a reason.
Stop quoting your psychic.
He's my pastor, but he is deeply intuitive.
Eve.
I'm just saying that clearly a higher power is guiding
me to be your light.
Follow me, let me help you.
Jews don't get saved.
And besides, I'm not taking advice from a woman who
believes that my choices are dictated by the universe.
Eve, Slapstick's a checked luggage tag to Bernie's forehead house.
Someone had to check your ego?
Did it have to be to Missouri?
Everyone needs help sometimes, Bernie.
When are you going to get a grasp of that?
Bernie opens her mouth to argue, but stops herself, thinking.
Okay, yeah, yeah, you're right.
I am Yes, I am ready to admit that I
need help you right now.
Actually, Bernie, I'm not covering for me.
I want a hit of a dispensary before they close.
Thank you, you are such a good friend. Merry Christmas
Eve Eve.
Bernie hops over the counter, grabbing her wine.
You are so annoying.
Save you some soup on yacht.
I don't speak Jewish, no language.
Bernie exits into the snowy night. Eve looks down at
the left behind application. She shakes her head in disappointment.
Exterior streets of Chicago early evening, Bernie walks down the
Magnificent Mile, lit up with Christmas windows displays as her
AirPods blast the score to home alone, interrupting her jovial
jam or multiple texts from her family.
Text alert from Mom, Bernie, do you have enough wine?
Dad likes dry whites.
Bernie rolls her eyes.
Dext alert from bitch sister, make sure you lock your bedroom.
Isn't safe for a baby. Samuel five isn't a baby,
you psycho.
Math text alert from Auntie orna friendly reminder. No peanut emoji,
beanut emoji peanut emoji. Text alert from Mom. I pulled
out the dining relief so you wouldn't scratch it like
you did last time.
Bernie takes out her AirPods and all is silent. She
suddenly calm odd for a woman headed down and unlit alli.
Bernie puts her keys between her fingers, strolling until she
lands under a neon sign reading the Koshkush. Bernie kisses
her fingers before touching a mezuza, which buzzes her in interior.
The kochhkush continuous. Bernie heads to the counter and picks
up a displayed chofar. So the gooy's out there. It's
a ramshorn used to ring in the Jewish New Year.
A sign reads blow me. Bernie follows suit a long
toot rings out, take keyo through a vita curtain enters Benjamin,
Benjamin's sports pay us and a man bun think Jewish
Dave Matthews.
Bernie has mead.
Benjamin and Bernie secret handshake over the counter. He slides
Bernie a new cartridge for her bait.
On the house for the holiday.
Broski, Thanks, Benjamin, but I'll be needing more than this
for tonight.
That's right, it's your Big Night seven Fiesta.
First night hosting since twenty eleven.
The infamous night for fire. Your local legenda did.
Benjamin points to a frame Chicago Tribune clipping. The headline
reads Miracle of Frights, Hanika party gone wrong, oil fire
Burne's family home.
I've asked you to take that down.
Benjamin shakes his head.
Never, well, that's old news, because after tonight, my name
and Hanakah won't be associated with fire.
Actually it will be. But the gen z good kind.
Hell yeah, friend, So how can I help you get
redempt it right? You're looking for Indica in the couch
situation or pre party pump.
Up, Benjamin, I'm not smoking before my party. My family's
already taking cash bets on me beef in it. I
just want something for after to help me unwind.
I got just the thing, my man.
Benjamin Duck's below the counter and pops back up with
gold wrapped gelt.
Bernie inspects the tag miracle glt just one bite and
in one night, eight crazy adventures will ignite.
I do love a theme.
Eight miracles per serving my safta one Israel got these
heats from some ancient rabbi who's a descendant of the Maccabees.
This shit's got Salt from the Dead Sea, dates from.
The West Bank.
It's blessed by like four holy beards.
Yeah, okay, easy on the hard cell. I'm don for audibles,
Thanks Ben, all right, I'm out.
Wish me luck?
Do you just don't believe in luck?
Only bucks fifty?
Actually it's still cheaper than therapy. Apihannika schmuck.
As Bernie pays and heads out, a customer blows the
show in Benjamin's face.
I'm right here.
Interior, Bernie's parents' house night. Jewish instrumental drops as we
see inserts of Bernie preparing for the party. A blue
tablecloth parachutes open. A gleaming manora is set atop oil
bubbles is potato laka batter's flatters, Manischevitz flows down. A
tower of stacked coops, dradles and gels are spread out
on the kiddie table. A best of Barbara record spins,
jelly is squeezed into doughnuts. A star of David necklace
is secured over Bernie's throat. Interior living room. Later that night,
Bernie beams with pride as her family enjoys her party.
Looking spiffy in her blue dress, Bernie dances around gracefully,
offering lakas from a tray. She lands at the family gossip.
Anti orna Bladka, Bernie, you look gorgeous dressing up with someone,
specially still single single?
Bernie laughs at off as she.
Continues on Daddy Sadie Laca Bernidad, find your own place yet,
or you're still freeloading off your parents?
Still freeloading.
Bernie continues on the tray, leading her to Uncle Gary,
a man who is mostly noshares.
There she is my gw sque stewardess. Can I finally
get a free ticket to Bermuda?
Or is she still are?
Or what?
There?
She is my two s stewardess. Can I finally get
a free ticket to Bermuda? Or you're still just a
check in girl.
Bernie opens her mouth to reply, but her very pregnant
and uptight older sister Rommy answers for her.
Still just a checking girl.
She's afraid of flying and wants to be a flight attendant.
I actually think the poetic stupidity, sums Bernie to a tea.
Uncle Gary stares blankly at Bernie. There's an awkward.
Beat, Gary, did you know Rommy is a lawyer. Isn't
that impressive? She helped send marriages.
What a hero, Rommy tell Gary about your cases until Sunta.
A knock on the door saves the day. Bernie answers,
revealing carol singers. Bernie's neighbors, dressed and yule Tide, immediately
burst into song.
By Phil, we're actually in the middle of Can you
just stop singing for one is?
As long as you're sorry? You know I don't have time.
Bernie scream makes the carol singers abruptly stop. Phil. Bernie's
ned Flandery's neighbor rests his hands on his von trapped
looking son's shoulders.
I'm sorry, Phil, What can I do you for? We're
in the middle of a Honka party.
Sorry to intrude Bernie. We do know you're Jewish by.
Quotations, but we wanted to include you and the Christmas fun.
How neighborly, But it is I that should include you.
Why don't you join in on our fun?
Phil's toe headed child grabs his dad in fear.
Dad.
No, if we go in there, Santa, We'll think I'm Jewish.
She'll skip our house, and I won't at my nintnal switch.
Maybe next time, Bernie.
It's not like Hannakah has a shortage of nights, and
yet y'all still pick Christmas Eve to celebrate. Well, okay,
we're off to finish the rounds, spread the cheers.
Convert the masses, pardon Merry Christmas, phil arian neighbors.
They start to sing Mary did you know? As Bernie
slams the door in their faces. Interior living room. Later,
the family is gathered around as Bernie lights the minora.
Everyone sings the prayer, I share busy fun. Do you
want to do that again? Everyone claps and celebrate. Bernie's
mother Frand pinches Bernie's arm.
Hey kid, you did good, real good.
Thanks Mom.
I mean, I have to be honest. I was worried.
I was not confident that this would be such a success.
I upped our insurance policy. The addition's barely a decade old.
Yeah that's nice, mom.
But you're really growing up. I know a lot of
millennials had to move back in with their parents.
I mean, not your sister, but you did.
You were always a little behind. You were complimenting me,
I think right.
Sorry, what I'm trying to say is tonight, after refusing
my excellent party planning, advice, and ignoring your sister is
offered a cater you still, what I mean is everything
you did was absolutely beyond.
Wow. You can't let me have one compliment without her.
But Rommie's not the only one. Clearing her throat, Bernie
looks around as her family erupts into hacking fits, hives,
itchy palms, and swollen faces.
Bernie, Bernie, nothing had peanuts, right, Mom?
No, I know everyone's allergic. I'm not an idiot.
Fran takes off into the interior kitchen, continuous she opens cabinets, drawers,
and bags as Bernie shadows.
Her, Mom, you're stressing out for no reason. Sure, our
family may be a little.
Congested, but it could be anything.
Frank continues to search for the source. Bernie follows her,
making her case.
I would not have done something so careless. I over
prepared for tonight that, by the way, you were just
complimenting me on. So we could sit here and spend
our night searching for a phantom peanut that does not exist,
or you could let me finish during the best Konica
party this family has ever seen.
Fran turns around slowly lips now straight out of Kylie's syringe.
She is holding up a huge tub of irakias oil.
What that's not? That's not peanut ol. I sports for
the fancy stuff. It was like seven extra dollars.
Pref you soil is peanut oil.
Fran and Bernie re enter the interior living room, continuous,
we gotta.
Go to the yar. David start the car yet yeppi pen.
They see everyone shuffling out. Bernie wraps her coat and
is almost out the door when her sister stops her.
No, you've jna enugh.
Bernie is left behind, watching her family load into their
car as they try not to die. Interior Bernie's bedroom
converted garage. Hours later, Now in her pj's, a giant
Hanika hoodie and tidy whities, Bernie lies in bed watching TV.
A Christmas commercial where a gooey chocolate chip cookie is
pulled apart makes Bernie perk.
Up Nesslie sexy story, I tried okay.
Wait Nesley, the only cookie suitable for Senna, fuck you.
Bernie is covered in flour dough as she mixes cookie
dough and searches the cupboard.
Chocolate chips, chocolate chips.
Not finding the goods Bernie thinks and then spots the
kitty gelt on the table. Light bulb moment.
Oh yeah, miracle.
Gout smash too. Edgar Wright's style inserts an underwear drawer
flies open, miracle gelt is snatched, A chocolate coin is
smashed with a meat tender riser. Cookie dough is spooned
onto a sheet and shoved in an oven. A window
flies open. Bernie fans out potent smoke. Cookies are ready
interior living room. Later, Bernie plops onto the couch holding
a plate of edible chocolate chip cookies. She grabs one
and immediately burns her finger.
Ouch patians practice patience.
She sets the cookies aside and clicks on the TV.
Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights starts.
That's all we get.
Bernie yawns and rubs her eyes. Seconds later, she's fully
conked out, mouth open, drooling, time laps breaking. The sound
of white noise and snores is an eerie creaking not
coming from doors. Scuffling and sleigh bells are heard from
the roof. The clatter continues till we see the proof.
Soot wafts out of the fireplace and we introduce Santa
in all of his grace. He is the perfect Coca
Cola claus, jolly red circular cheeks, tiny gold frames that
sit on the tip of his button nose, and the
kindest blue eyes you've ever seen. Santa puts down his
big red bag and spots the cookies. He makes a
bee line for the baked goods and takes a bite,
but as he chomps, he notices that something isn't kosher,
or rather it is his eye snapped too. A manora,
a dradal manischevis lacis unwrapped socks, a black annex, and
finally Bernie, who is now wide awake. Santa stares back
at her in confusion until his list magically flies up.
It smacks him on the hand, unscrolls and floats before him.
As Santa inspects the list, he sees the check twice
boxes empty. He shakes his head and gives a belly laugh.
Always check twise.
Bernie, frozen on the other side of the couch, tries
to reason.
With herself, I'm dreaming.
Santa inspects his list further.
Oh, Cringle, you're at the wrong house.
I'm stoned.
Better get this Nintendo next door, too sweet.
I didn't have a cookie.
She notices the half bitten cookie. Did I She did not,
but Santa did. It's about to go up the chimney.
When that shit hits, we smash zoom into Santa's I
and go on a galactic journey through candy cane fields
and snowflakes galore. The snowflakes take the form of stars
of David. A Manora rushes to the forefront, and a
lone hand lights the first candle. Benjamin's floating head appears.
Mirka one go for loutkin get fright.
We are sucked out of Santa's I. He's a frozen statue,
unable to speak or move.
Excuse me, hello, mister Santa.
Stoic Bernie grabs a cheese nut from a nearby charcuterie
and points it at Santa's listen.
Man, I don't know if you're like a John Wayne
Gacy stepped instead of clowns.
You do like a Santa thing.
But my finger is on my lady walk cap and
if you don't leave, I'll release it and cops will
be here pronto.
Santa has no reaction. Bernie stares at him nervously until
Santa's scroll begins to glow and vibrate. What the The
list magically presents itself to Bernie. She sees etches, sketched
images of her neighbor, fills Von Trapp's son, unwrapping Nintendo switch.
A flashing title reads undelivered Nintendo Switch.
How did you know?
An error sign flashes, reading wrong house jew The list
magically scrolls up and flies back to Santa, burrowing into
his jacket.
Holy fuck, he's real, You're real. It's true, it's all true.
It's beautiful. Oh my god, you're Santa.
Bernie notices the cookie crumbs in Santa's beard and remembers
he ate the edible.
I drudge Santa, I drudge Santa.
Oh no, I already ruined. Hanak, I can't ruin Christmas.
I'm a Jewish grinch.
Okay, okay, he's just a little stoned. What do I
do when I'm too fried snacks?
Bernie picks up some bris and runs over to him.
Geez, mister Claus.
She tries to feed him, but it falls to the floor.
She's stone to eat. Been there, okay, no problem? A
gold water.
Bernie rushes to the fridge and fills up a glass
of ice water, but when she tries to make Santa
drink it slops down his mouth.
Come on, Santa, work with me here.
She dips her fingers into little water and splashes him repeatedly. Nothing.
A gust of wind, howl, fresh air.
It always sobers me up. Okay, so how do you?
Bernie gestures to the chimney, front door. Front door is
good time jump. Santa's arms are now draped over Bernie's
shoulders as she attempts to drag him to the door.
Almost there. Okay, I can do it. No, no, I
need a break. Okay, let's just rest for a minute.
Bernie props Santa upright. He balances for a moment until
he slowly falls backwards and breaks the coffee table glass
shatters and food flies.
I killed Santa.
Santa's eyes squint open. He smiles, feeling fine.
Oh, thank God. Good sign, good sign.
Bernie tugs on Santa's hands, trying to get him up.
Come on, a little wind on your face and you'll
be right as rain to deliver happiness.
To the youth of the world, and I will in
no way have hindered it.
Bernie grabs Santa's bellt to hoist him up and notices
the buckle is actually a button.
Reading push feels unspecific.
Bernie pushes the button. Suddenly, a magnetic force begins to
suck Santa towards the chimney. Bernie, tangled up with Sanda
becomes Christmas cocktail Bernie, Bernie tangled up with Sanda becomes
Christmas road killed. She flies backwards. She hits her head
on the ground. She's dragged, getting third degree rug burns.
Bernie claws at the rug, but it's no use. The
rug goes with In a last ditch effort to save
her skin, Bernie throws her arms out and stopping herself
at the base of the chimney. After a brief moment
of resignation, Bernie looks straight into the barrel for our
first oi. Bernie gets sucked up the chimney. Bricks and
soup explode out, destroying the living room exterior roof. Seconds later,
Santa and Bernie are shot out of the chimney onto
the snowy roof. Bernie lands face down, ass up, looking
like a Jewish schmuck. Santa has landed perfectly in the sleigh.
Bernie gets up and takes in the sleigh's majestic glory.
She runs her fingers along the cranberry paint and velvety upholstery.
She travels down the reins to nine noble reindeer. Bernie's
smile is ear to ear. This is real life magic.
Wow, this is I can't believe it. It's a freaking
fairy tale.
You truly fly around and make the world a better
place by spreading pure Christmas cheer.
Bernie realizes Santa has passed out asleep. Druel City, right, I.
Weep roofed Santa.
Bernie attempts to wake him, but he's out cold. She
takes a deep breath, climbs into the sleigh and leans
her head on his shoulders.
Father, Christmas, your majesty.
I don't want to be the person who makes it
all about themselves, but I will not come back from this.
Jews specialize in guilt, and if my drug habit single
handedly takes down Christmas, it will be bleak for me.
Okay, it will be rough.
Bernie turns to Santa's cheek, desperately whispering so close to
his face.
Anti Semitism all time high right now, Jews don't have
Hello fans In the best of times, so it.
Cannot be my fault that Christmas doesn't happen.
Santa, wake up, Come on, Santa, handle your shit.
Bernie has taken Santa's lifeless arms and his waving them
in the air. From the streets below. Bernie's neighbor Phil
and his Von Trapp's son are walking home from caroling.
They spot Bernie from afar with Santa and assume he's
a decoration.
Look at that no more dark house on the block.
So glad you're finally decorating and getting into the spirit.
Back on the roof, the slaves radio turns on and
Elve's voice comes through.
Santa, are you sure taking your tinsel time getting to
those orphans in Indiana? Is everything plumb? Putting over there orphans?
She grabs the Radiollo.
Hi, this is my My name is Bernie Gold.
And there's a slight situation here with the st nick
with Santa.
An interruption of Elves comes through the radio.
Situation jes Ago put Santa on.
Santa is asleep, Christmas vampire. Santa went to the wrong house,
my house, and some stuff went down and now he's
basically not good to go.
Remember for all this, No, no.
No, it's not ruined. I didn't ruin. I can help.
I can fix it. He's he's not good to go,
but I am good to go. Just tell me how
to you've done it? Okay.
Having djab the head elf stop, Nick takes over.
Just turn the slan.
Onto autopilot and bring Santa back to the north Pole.
I can do that.
Uh where is autopilot?
Bernie looks at the dashboard, which is old school meters
and dials galore with confusing symbols.
Quick screwting around, see Hicks on a street schedule. We've
already lost Indiana, and who knows how long it'll take
to get Santa feeling fine once he's here. Christmas may
be lost for some, but not all if you move.
Your Christmas okay, okay. Feels like you spent a lot
of time yelling at.
Me and you could have just told me where to look. Okay, Bernie,
this is not a normal situation. Wait, wait, I think
I found it.
Bernie spots a hidden lever under the dash with a
symbol that looks like Santa on a roller coaster. Bernie's
hand hovers over the lever, thinking.
So should I come with to make sure that he's
so that would make who freaking sense.
This is clearly your fault because before you, Bernie gold.
Santa never wents silent night on the job.
You clearly bring bad tidings.
Bernie, a nerve struck, sits back from the lever.
You better turn the fudging auto pilot on right.
Bernie flips off the radio and has an epiphany.
Holy shit, this is one of Eve's signs. Everything happens
for a reason.
I'm not buying that.
On the night I ruined my holiday, you show up
just so I can ruin yours.
That's like two on the nose.
Bernie turns to in asleep Santa as she continues to
hunt down her.
I don't think he came to my house by accident.
You're Santa. Your whole thing is believing in people. I
think I don't actually know. I grew up on John Love.
It's not Rudolph.
But maybe you're here because no one in my life
believes in me.
Bernie gets some moxie.
But they're wrong, aren't they? Santa? All right, I'm gonna try.
I could pull this off.
I mean, I can't let a bunch of Indiana orphans
wake up disappointed because of me.
I'm not going down in history as a worse Jew
than not.
In Yahoo, Bernie grabs Santa's lifeless hands.
Okay, I'll follow the light.
Let's do this, let's go same Christmas.
End of episode one. Maybe did you know that you.
Text alert from Mom.
I pulled out the dining relief.
So you wouldn't scratch it like you did last time.
I really good.
Yeah, up House, I do bote those jobs.
That's incredible.
I'm so used to it. She sounds that way all
the time.