180 | The Power of You: Why Your Personality Matters in Child-Centered Play Therapy

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.

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Your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered Play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode, we are continuing our summer school series

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and finishing the Eighth Principle

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from "Innovations in Play Therapy: Issues,

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Process and Special Populations" edited by Gary Landreth.

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And in this section,

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Landreth has been going through the personality

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characteristics that make effective child-centered play therapists

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and they essentially have been

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the modifications

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and revisions of the eight principles

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that Landreth took

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from

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Axline.

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So we're going to hit the last one today and then

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we're going to move into some other books and other sections

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from some seminal works. So Eighth principle is

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the therapist establishes only those therapeutic limits

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that help the child accept personal

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and appropriate relationship responsibility.

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And I love that I have never heard that phrase before.

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We talk a lot about setting therapeutic limits.

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We talk a lot about the benefits, a lot about the outcomes.

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A lot about how there is personal ownership and personal responsibility

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that is naturally tied to the use of therapeutic limits.

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But the phrase appropriate relationship, responsibility,

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I think is so rich and I've never conceived of that phrase before. So

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this is why we're going through these older works

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because there's little nuggets of gold throughout here.

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So we're gonna read some

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sections from this eighth Principle

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and I'm reading on 28 and 29 in the book, by the way.

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Ok. So

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it starts out with a quote from Campbell.

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And if you are not familiar with the 1993 Campbell work,

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that was actually the interview with Violet Oaklander.

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So if you have not checked that out,

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that's actually another very interesting seminal work that

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you would probably find some benefit from.

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But the quote is children need to know deep down inside

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that the people who love them

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will keep them safe even when they play.

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So getting back to the power of the relationship and the environment

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in the child-centered model,

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children need to know deep down that people who love

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them will keep them safe even when they play.

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So that came straight from the Campbell

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interview.

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So now continuing,

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no child can feel safe if the child's aggressions overpower a parental figure.

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Let me say that again because

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not only do we need to understand this, but we need to help parents understand this.

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No child can feel safe

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if the child's aggressions

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overpower a parental figure,

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the wise play therapist understands that without limits, there can be no therapy,

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just like in the CPRT manual, it says without limits, there are no security

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and with no security, there is no safety within the relationship.

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So, very similar principles.

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But the wise play therapist understands that without limits,

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there can be no therapy.

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The therapist knows that appropriate limits must

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be set because they provide the child

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with the security necessary for satisfactory therapy to take place.

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All right. So essentially what we're doing

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is

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giving as much freedom and and autonomy

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and independence

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as we can grant

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yet, when limits are needed,

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we set them because they are required for

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the security necessary for therapy to take place.

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All right. So obviously, we only set a few limits

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and we provide a clear definition of acceptable and unacceptable behavior.

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That's why we provide the alternatives.

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So we set the neutral limit and then we provide alternatives. Why?

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Because it's very clear,

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the limit is the unacceptable behavior and

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the alternatives are the acceptable behavior.

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All right. These common sense limitations, protect the child,

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the therapist and the playroom.

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All right. So let's go back to

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what are the three unwritten rules for limits in the playroom?

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I'm sure you all just yelled them out.

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The child has to be safe. We have to be safe

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and nothing can be damaged on purpose in the playroom.

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Ok. So that's what this is referring to here.

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They are common sense.

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Limitations to protect the child, the therapist and the playroom

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and are a constant reminder of the distinction between fantasy and reality.

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Hmm.

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Ponder that for a moment, actually, I just stole that from Gary Landreth.

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He actually says that ponder that,

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ok,

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so

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the distinction between fantasy and reality,

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sometimes the only way that a child can understand that

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is through limits,

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that's very important.

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Such limits anchor the child's therapy to the world of reality.

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The therapist is aware that limits are conducive to developing self-discipline

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and hopes that the child will eventually set limits for himself.

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And isn't that the end goal?

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Because we know that what comes out of limit setting when necessary

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is that the child develops self responsibility and self control.

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So inevitably,

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the child will not only set their own limits but comply with their own limits

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and it takes us out of the need

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to set those limits at some point.

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Ok.

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So when setting limits, the therapist is firm just and strong,

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it's critical for the therapist to main maintain neutrality

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while sympathetically reflecting the child's feelings.

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This is crucial y'all because

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if our emotions come out in the way that we set limits for a variety of reasons,

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it taints the whole process.

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So we're firm just and strong,

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but we have to be neutral while sympathetically reflecting the child's feelings,

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often we forget to reflect the feelings altogether. We jump straight to the limit

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and often our wording is not neutral.

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And often the way that we're presenting the limit

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sounds emotional, sounds charged, sounds something.

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So

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I'm not for hitting you. But as soon as we get to that state

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where our body language and our tone of voice

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and our facial expression and everything about us,

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screams of something other than neutrality.

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We lose the impact of limit setting because it needs to be neutral.

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Continuing, the therapist does not react to the child with irritation or anger

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but sets limits in an impersonal

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non punishing manner.

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We state it just like we're stating that the grass is green and the sky is blue.

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You really want to throw those cars,

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but those cars are not for throwing at me because they could hit me and hurt me.

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You can choose to throw those cars into Bobo or

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you can choose to throw those at the target,

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which do you choose?

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It doesn't matter if one just clipped my ear or hit me in the face or I'm

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bleeding because it nicked my knee or whatever all of which have happened by the way.

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So,

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you know, it doesn't matter what has happened leading up to that point.

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We say it in an impersonal, non punishing manner. It's just factually

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and the counselor communicates limits decisively

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and seeks to convey the spirit of a non punitive helpful authority,

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really significant phrase there as a helpful authority.

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So we often don't think of ourselves as an authority figure

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because we work very hard to maintain equality in the playroom.

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But in terms of setting limits, because you have to be safe,

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the child has to be safe and things can't get damaged or broken on purpose.

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We become a helpful authority

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only in the sense of we're helping

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to make it clear what the unacceptable behaviors and the acceptable behaviors are

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and give the child an opportunity to practice self regulation.

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So we have ultimate authority as far as what needs to happen for safety

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and security.

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And that helps the child again

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feel that they can

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move through therapy

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because they have to have that security for therapy

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to take place like we already talked about.

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Ok, continuing to be successful,

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the therapeutic relationship must be built upon genuine respect that

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both the child and the therapist have for each other.

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The play therapist is willing and able to set appropriate limits to

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preserve the necessary sense of respect and acceptance for the child.

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Ok, let's pause there. What are the questions we ask ourselves?

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Is this limit necessary

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if I allow this behavior to continue and do not set a limit?

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Am I still able to accept the child?

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That's what this is talking about here.

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We have to be willing and able to set appropriate limits to

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preserve the necessary sense of respect and acceptance of the child.

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The therapist knows it is possible to be accepting of the child's

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feelings without permitting the child to carry those feelings into action.

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This goes back to

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all feelings are valid even when behavior is inappropriate.

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So it is possible to be accepting of the child's

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feelings while still needing to set a limit on behavior.

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And in this wording without permitting the

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child to carry those feelings into action.

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Ok. Continuing,

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the therapist recognizes and respects the child's wish to break the limits

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and harmless channels are provided so the child can express his or her feelings,

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please be very mindful of that phrase,

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especially if you struggle with behavior and kids that do not comply with limits

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and the ones that you have to repeat limits multiple times

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and the ones that you have to move to ultimate limits

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and the ones that you have to move to ultimate choice giving, if that unnerves you

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and if that really is difficult for you, I'm gonna read that again.

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Well, I'm just gonna read it again for everybody but be mindful if that's you,

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the therapist recognizes and respects.

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So we have awareness and we accept it out of respect

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that the child wishes to break the limits

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and we provide harmless channels so the child can express his or her feelings.

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You're not wrong for wanting to break the limit.

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I'm going to give you alternatives.

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All right.

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Continuing,

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the play therapist remains accepting even when the child chooses to break a limit.

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So

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the first time we set a limit or the sixth time we set a limit

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which really, you should never have to set it six times,

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it's three times and then an ultimate limit.

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But I'm just saying, you know,

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in a metaphorical sense here, it doesn't matter how many times we set a limit,

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we maintain neutrality and we remain accepting of the child's behavior

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because the child chooses what the child chooses.

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And all we do is enforce the consequence of the choice.

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So we can be completely accepting and neutral even

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when the child chooses to break the limit.

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OK. And then finally,

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the experience of play

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offers the therapist the opportunity to

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build a therapeutic child-centered relationship.

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It is this therapeutic relationship

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rather than the materials or the techniques

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which bring about healing and growth.

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Therefore,

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the personality characteristics and interpersonal skills of

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the play therapist are critically important.

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All right. So

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I don't think I've ever shared this, but when I was in undergrad,

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my minor was in Bible, biblical studies officially.

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So in addition to my psychology degree,

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which is my bachelor's degree, I had a minor in biblical studies.

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And one of the things that the professor said to us all the

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time when we were studying the Bible is "what's the therefore there for?""

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So in this paragraph, I'm going to reread it and I want you to listen to the therefore,

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because it ties to what was said above,

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the experience of play

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offers the therapist the opportunity to

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build a therapeutic child-centered relationship.

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It is this therapeutic relationship rather than the materials or the techniques.

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It's not about our toys. It's not about our skills.

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It's not about whether we have Bobo or not.

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It's not about how many acting out aggressive toys we have.

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It's not about how small our room is, how big our room is,

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how well equipped our room is.

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If we're fresh out of grad school, if we've been doing it for 20 years,

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if you have no CCPT knowledge whatsoever except this podcast,

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or if you're CCPT certified

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rather than the materials or the techniques.

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It is the therapeutic relationship that brings healing and growth.

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Therefore,

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the personality characteristics,

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your traits,

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your personality characteristics,

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you individually as a child-centered play therapist, who you are

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and your interpersonal skills,

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the way that you interact

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are critically important.

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So, is it about materials and techniques and

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skills, et cetera? Of course,

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but it is the therapeutic relationship that brings healing and growth. We know this

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and therefore

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your personal characteristics, who you are,

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what you bring into that playroom because of your essence,

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your being

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the way that you interact with kids,

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those things are critically important.

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I hope that encourages you. I hope it

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makes you mindful and aware

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of the power of you

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in the playroom.

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And not because you're so knowledgeable, not because

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you have developed so many clinical skills in this model.

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Not because you've gone through so much training which many

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of you have and I am fully supportive of that.

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We should always be learning, always be growing.

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But just because you're, you

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and your personality and your traits and your characteristics

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and the relationship that you build, the way that you interact,

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the way that you communicate,

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all of those are critically important too.

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So don't

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get so caught up in the skills, don't get so caught up in doing things

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in the most effective way

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that you fail to acknowledge

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that just you in the room means a lot.

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I hope that that gives you a boost this week. And I hope that you celebrate

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how you interacting with your clients

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is meaningful just because you're you

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all right.

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Good to be with you all. We've finished with the eight principles.

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So we're gonna be moving on to some other passages in the next few weeks

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and we'll continue this for the rest of the

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summer and then we'll be back into some regular curriculum

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once summer is

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drawn to a close. So

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love you all. Thanks so much for your time each week that you spend with me.

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If you want to reach out to me,

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I'd love to hear from you brenna@thekidcounselor.com

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and I look forward to talking with you again soon. Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast

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with Dr. Brenna Hicks for more episodes and resources.

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Please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.