#20: Giving Feedback with Confidence (Without Burning Bridges)

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Welcome to the Empower Podcast. I'm your host, Eric Pfeiffer, CEO of Empower. Coaching leadership isn't about titles or positions. It's actually about the influence and impact we have on our environments. This is where we get to learn how to operate well under pressure, lead with confidence and drive meaningful results.

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We all know that feedback matters, but most of us avoid it. And not because we don't care, but because it feels risky. What if it lands wrong? What if it makes things worse? So instead we delay, we sugarcoat, or we say nothing at all. But silence doesn't build trust. It slowly erodes it.  Feedback isn't a leadership add-on, we need to understand that it's core to any healthy culture.

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Is that those conversations though, they feel risky. If we learn how to do them, even half well can actually lead  to a greater sense of connectedness and partnership, and that's what makes them so difficult. It's so true, and I am often struck by what I like to call some upside down realities of life and leadership, and this is one of them that actually entering into these difficult conversations, choosing to.

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It just feels easier to let it go. I am the queen of just let it go in my household. Just let it go. Or we hear leaders say things like, I, I don't wanna discourage people on my team.  But often letting things go doesn't create the grace, the environment of grace that we think we're creating. It actually creates a gap between us and our team, or us and our family.

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And very often because there. Methodologies or strategies of offering feedback were harmful or broke trust, or they didn't, they didn't handle it well. We all have this kind of, these data points of pain, a frustration of  relationships that grow further apart. Mm-hmm. Because one or both parties didn't know how to give or receive feedback.

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Yeah, right. When we receive it, it can feel like judgment, hyper criticism. We feel like we're being called out, we're being condemned, we're being told we're not good enough. And when we give it, it can feel like a huge risk  because like you said earlier, we're afraid to hurt somebody's feelings, discourage them.

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Assumptions begin to grow. People start to create these stories in their minds, or we create stories in our  minds about people's performance, about their intentions, about different dynamics and relationships. And very often, because we have a, most of us have kind of a natural negativity bias. Yeah. We filled those stories and those gaps of understanding.

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Yeah. And very often it leads to these very negative, pejorative perspectives. They're not really happy stories that we're filling our minds. Yeah. We're not normally like, oh, they're fine, they're gray. I assume the  best in them. No, that's not the norm. Right. So here's a key point, when feedback isn't part of our culture.

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Yeah. Well. One of the things we have to remember is  that giving and receiving feedback is a skill. Right. We, we think, oh, some people are just better at it than others. No, no, no. We may have natural personalities or wirings or ways that we operate, or life experiences that lend to making it a bit an easier skill to pick up.

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We deploy them. But what this, this tool does, it reminds us there's a fourth. The part of the pipeline that is, that is critical, but often overlooked. That's what we call  the review process. Yep. How do we review on a regular basis with the people in our lives that give all of us the best opportunity of doing two things?

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Where we where, where there are skills that  we have yet to develop for whatever reason. And so I want our listeners to understand that's the purpose of feedback, is ultimately to create a safe place where we can learn and grow together. Yes, that's right. And so when it comes to feedback, there's a few things I want our listeners to understand and I wanna remind us, because we're always practicing this within our own organization, which is, you know, the traditional methodology of feedback is this annual review that I sit down with somebody and I tell you what you did well and didn't do well, maybe you get a raise or a bonus.

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Growth is a process, not an event. An annual review is an event. That's good. Wait, say that again? Yeah.  Growth requires process. It does not happen in an event. Yeah. It's no different than if you go to a conference and you're really stimulated, inspired by some of the things you learn from the conference and everyone walks away going, oh yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna integrate that into my life.

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Yeah. Right. So here's a few things, just practical handles. Number one,  frequency matters. And so I tell people we need a weekly, biweekly, and at the longest, a monthly frequency of feedback loop. Those can be formal or informal. Formal as we have a meeting, sit down, Hey, how you doing? What's going on? Let's talk process.

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So that we are attending to those growth opportunities with enough regularity that  we can actually have a chance at moving the needle. The second thing is people say, well, what do I, what do I do in these, in these reviews with these feedback opportunities? And here's two simple questions. What's working well?

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So it goes both ways. Yeah. A third thing I would say is this is where coaching training. What we call in, in our, in one of our tools, the Empower Matrix. This is where we get to calibrate support and challenge. What is the support  that this individual needs from me? What is the challenge? I mean by challenge, I mean, do I need to re-clarify expectations or hold them to a better standard?

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Oh, yeah. So, so far we've kind of focused more on giving feedback in receiving feedback. Here are a few handles. Number one, we have to choose to see feedback as an  opportunity to identify both what we're doing well and potential blind spots. Now, I notice how I said potential. Just because somebody gives me a particular kind of feedback doesn't mean they're right.

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Yeah. And so I say, Hey, I'm happy to hear your feedback. Tell me what you're thinking.  And they'll just, they man, they just unleash. A lot of frustration and anger and hostility, whatever. Okay. That's the worst case. Yep. And in my mind, here's what I, I choose to do. I'm not here to defend myself, protect myself.

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Can you help me filter through it to determine what of it is, could be really helpful for me. Yeah. Because again, I'm either gonna get defensive, project blame, push them away, or as a leader, I'm gonna seize every form of feedback as an opportunity to learn and to grow. When we choose this  posture, which people would put under the banner of humility and self-awareness.

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If feedback is always one way, leaders listen. Feedback is only ever one direction. You're only ever giving feedback to your team members,  but you're never soliciting feedback. That creates a dynamic in which people will not feel safe. Yeah, and so feedback is always meant to be a reciprocal experience where we build trust with each other because ultimately what we're trying to do is enhance the partnership in these relationships of our life.

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So the way that I have found it most helpful is to ask a question like this, Hey, I'd love to hear from you where you feel like I'm doing well right now. Hmm.  Where, where do you feel like I'm doing well as a dad? Where do you feel like I'm doing well as a husband? Where do you feel like I'm doing well as a friend?

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Where am I a miserable parent or husband? I'm giving them an opportunity. I'm couching it in really safe, gentle terms. Hey, I'd love to hear from you. Is there anywhere where I can maybe do a little bit better? Mm-hmm. Just a little bit better. That's so good. Yeah. Alright, that's helpful. Thanks. Okay, let's transition just quickly  into talking about some stories.

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But again, let's just remind ourselves and our listeners that this isn't gonna happen overnight. We're not gonna change culture in, in one feedback experience. Sometimes those feedback. Conversations are,  are gonna go a bit sideways and we've gotta fight to believe that, hey, if I just keep practicing this, we're gonna get better.

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And they said, well, this is no joke. He said, well. Their annual reviews coming up, and so I've got a, I've got a list of things that I'm gonna share with them. Oh, I said, oh, okay. Like how long is this list? Yeah, seriously. Like 30 things that this person was like, I need to let them  know. Now, again, let's go back to what we said earlier.

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I'm like, well, that's why the feedback loop includes, let me affirm where you're crushing it and where you're killing it and where your performance is at or above our standards, you know, so, you know, it's gotta be both and, right. The positive and the support and the challenge. And, and then the third thing is that they said, well, my, my concern is that  we've hired these people, paying 'em all this money.

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And that gives me, as your coach an opportunity to identify where can I coach? Where can I, where do you need more training? Where do you need more skill? Is that not what we're doing? And I remember the look on his face. He was like, oh my gosh. I said, so if the, if the highest level leaders in your  organization greatly benefit from having this regular feedback loop and this coaching process, which by the way is a unique feature of our coaching methodology, just side note there that we make sure it's very regular so that they can move the needle in their leadership.

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He said, I'm not solving problems for these people. I'm not giving them all the answers, but just creating that intentional space for them to have an opportunity to  reflect on what's going well, what's not going well, and for me to speak into those areas. He said, it's such a light lift. It's not a heavy lift.

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We need to be able to coach other people because that's the environment in which people grow. So rather than being wholly dependent on bringing in a consulting or coaching group to do all that for an organization, if leaders can learn these simple skills, then they can actually now have the authority and the opportunity to reshape their culture into a culture that feels safe for people to be seen.

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So true. So true. Oh my gosh, yes. You and I have been married to our spouses for over 20 years now. Yeah. And I remember in early days. Building up all  of these grievances. Yeah. Stack of grievances. Because why didn't he know what to get me for my birthday? Why didn't he know that I wanted flowers? Why didn't he know that I didn't want flowers?

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Those same individuals, when we hire people onto our teams, we do the same exact thing. Why can't they? Why don't they just know what to do? Yeah. Well, because you haven't communicated  clearly how you want those things done. What's working, what's not working? Oh my gosh, that is too funny. I can't, yeah, I, I remember very clearly the moment in our marriage where I was like, I am just always going to tell him exactly what I want for my birthday and for Christmas, because then guess what?

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A hundred percent. Well, the and the I, here's the irony. I was just, as you're sharing that, I'm thinking back to this, and I did say this to this particular client. I said, you know, the irony is you are involved in a professional sports organization where your team mm-hmm. Spends more time  practicing than playing a game.

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Process, either  with us as a professional coaching group or that they should create that same environment within their own teams, whether it's in the front office or business side or whatever it is. And so again, I'm, and I'm hoping our listeners hear what we're saying in that this is not something that we've mastered, that we've, that we don't struggle with.

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Whatever the environment is that we're in, but I, I just, I'd have to say it more for myself than anything else because I am as  resistant to feedback. I struggle with it as much as anybody else. I'm learning. I've learned the value of it, so I, it makes it easier to press into the discomfort of it, and yet we, we have to constantly remind ourselves that the purpose of feedback or these feedback loops is to create a safe environment where growth can happen.

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But what I can do is commit myself to a lifestyle of soliciting. Processing, reflecting on and growing and learning from that feedback. That's right. And that's the shift that we can make as leaders is  when we create these rhythms of short feedback loops, it becomes less about correction, becomes less about whacking somebody with a sledgehammer.

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It was the first step because I think  you just nailed it. Like, part of it is really embracing a paradigm shift as it relates to our engagement with feedback, our understanding of our relationship doing. That's absolutely wonderfully said for our listeners. Just a couple of thoughts. How do we begin to practice this today?

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A team member. And to say, Hey, I would love to schedule a regular feedback loop with you, where, where we can create a safe space to help each other identify where we're doing well, where we could  do better and help each other grow and partner in that. Hmm. So that, that's one thing. Okay. And so just identify one or two people that, that we wanna do that with, just to practice it and, and, and to develop our, our confidence in these skills.

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Mm-hmm. And which gives us a, a time, a space where we get to practice receiving feedback, where we get to practice the humility of, I'm, I'm gonna hear what this person says. I'm not gonna be defensive, I'm not gonna be protective, I'm not gonna disagree, I'm not gonna justify, I'm just gonna hear what they share and I'm gonna sift through that for that  percent of what could be helpful for me.

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Yeah, I love that. And when we make  this feedback normal, we make it feel safe. I love that. I love that. Thanks for being with us today. We love our listeners. We're so appreciative for all the feedback that you've been offering us. I found out the other day, couldn't believe it. We had two hundred and ninety nine five star reviews on Spotify.

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Hear this and process that and enter into that with you. And next week, next week, we're gonna be talking about the cost of inconsistency in our leadership. Oh my gosh. I will have tons of personal stories to share about the inconsistencies that I've had to battle through in my own leadership and  how those inconsistencies erode trust and partnership.