398. 5 ways to get unstuck in your 20s

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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here, back for another episode as we, of course break down the psychology of our twenties. Guys, today we're doing our old school I'm not in the studio, I'm in my bedroom. You may even hear some like birds tweeting in the background throughout this episode. But yeah, I had this idea for this episode the other day. I've been really thinking a lot about what gets us stuck in our twenties, how to get out of it, and I thought, I'm just gonna record it. I'm just gonna go back to how we used to do episodes and do a little bonus episode for you guys this weekend in my bedroom under the covers, into the mic. That is exactly what we're doing. And like I said, today, we're talking about stuckness, why it is that we get so stuck in our twenties and kind of the five simple ways I've been thinking about a lot that we can get out of it. There are definitely, I think very few feelings as frustrating as knowing you are not happy with your life, feeling restricted, feeling pessimistic, feeling hopeless, and at the same time having no clue how to change it, having no clue like what is even going on? What step in what direction do I take first? It is like claustrophobic is the best word I could use for it. And honestly, I think the longer you wait, the more entrenched in this situation you can become. And it's not to say you won't ever get out of this situation, but I just think the more you begin to internalize this state as permanent, the more you begin to believe that this is just how my life is. And the harder it does become to change, the more this becomes a permanent part of your belief system. It's very easy to see why we feel this way, why we think that life is never going to be different, And I have to tell you that's false. It's false. Like you have the capacity to change your life, You have the ability to get yourself unstuck. And there are some really simple things that you could do literally today tomorrow if you're a bit busy today, that there's so much easier than you think that are going to break the loop that you are in. I also want to say it is totally normal to feel stuck in your twenties. As hard as this feels on an individual level, and believe me, like I know, it's not a rare thing. I think during this decade, so much is going on all at once, but also at the same time, so much is not happening that we wish could be happening, and this creates this parallel feeling that, like everybody else's lives are moving forward, everybody else is getting their shit together, we should know so much more about what we want to do and where we're going, and yet you know, it's not happening for us. The only things that we're overwhelmed by are things that aren't things like are things that don't make us happy, and that's really where this stuck feeling comes from. Definitely circumstances contribute to this. Money, relationships, jobs, cities can make us feel stuck, But a hard truth is that sometimes what really gets us into this rut more than physical barriers, or alongside physical barriers, is waiting for life to change our circumstances, for us feeling incapable of making the decisions that we know we need to make, maybe because we just don't trust ourselves anymore, maybe because we've been so caught up in like boredom and our routine and how life has been that it feels impossible to disrupt what just feels like the status quo. So that is what a lot of our tips are going to focus on today, breaking this status quo kind of negativity, same old, same old loop, so that you are allowed to expand in a new direction. This is by no means a fully comprehensive list. As I said, I'm just on my mic in my bedroom. This is just like a fun episode I just had to make. But I do think that these things will really really help, and I do think that they offer a challenge for you and your mind and your psychology that will prove to really shift things for you in time. Let's start with my first thing. If you are feeling stuck right now, the first thing I need you to do is to map out the problem, map out the ideal future, and map out what you see to be the solutions. There is a very specific way that I do this. I'm a very visual person, and when I feel a roadblock in my life, especially one that's kind of been sitting there for like a couple of weeks, a couple of months, couple of years, this is the first thing I do. I get a massive art book or a massive a three piece of paper. I've even done it on like a poster board, Like do you know when you were a kid and you have to make a poster on like tadpoles or something, or how lemons can turn into energy? I don't know, And you'd get those massive post boards from like the from the arts and craft store. Get one of those. Divide it into three columns. The first column what I don't like about my life right now? A big list bullet points. You can draw it if you want. But what do you not like about your life right now? Specifically? Then you're going to go to the third column. You're going to skip the middle column for now. What do you want your life to be if all your dreams came true, if all of the roadblocks were removed in six months, three years, whatever timeline you want to give yourself. What does your dream life feel like? Firstly, look like secondly and again specific, what is the job you're working, What is the feeling you feel in your relationships? What does your friendship circle look like? What's the apartment or the house you're living in feel like? What are you doing to nourish yourself? How do you feel about your body? Dream life column? We have that middle column free for a reason. This is the stuff that you genuinely think would make a difference. So basically, what is going to fix it? What is going to take you from column A to column C, not overnight but in time. Basically, brainstorm, Okay, what in my life actually needs changing? And make it visual, make it obvious to you, make it this great, big brainstorm of getting all of the doubt and all of the all of the roadblocks out of your mind and onto the page. The reason I think that this is so valuable is again just that so often what gets us stuck is sitting on a problem in our mind, overthinking it, ruminating on it, thinking that that is finding solutions. The moment that you take all of those thoughts and put them visually, tangibly in front of you, it's so much becomes more clear. I also think that final column, that dream life column, is so important. It's important to create a mental image or to have some kind of focus in your life of what you would actually strive towards. Feeling stuck is one thing, but often we get obsessed over the stuck feeling and not the outcome feeling, like where do we actually want to go? So having a clear visual or i guess it's not verbal, written idea of what it is is so valuable. I also think that it primes your brain not just to focus on the most drastic sides of this story right not just to focus on how bad your life is right now, not just to focus on how much do you want to change it and how all the fantasies for your life, but the middle part, it says, the middle part is just as important. What habits, What strategies do we need to implement to get from column A to column C? And I just think it's like a very simple mind map plan to help you lay out the future, lay out the next few months, Just lay out what's actually going wrong in your life and what you want to change. Okay, tip number two to kind of get you out of this stock state, I need you to do something hard or create a challenge for yourself that you you promised that you will work towards for the next six months. It can be whatever you want. It can be a creative challenge, it can be a physical challenge. It can be a rejection challenge of like, for the next six months, I'm gonna get rejected like five times every single week and knows and Noah is just as good as a yes for me in building my tolerance for rejection. Just any kind of challenge that's like getting you out of your comfort zone, that's giving you something to think about, to work towards, maybe to even obsess over, to concentrate energy into other than just what's going wrong. Feeling stuck, I think is sometimes just that right, simply not having any forward movement in your life. I think that's genuinely the definition of stuck. No forward movement, so you cannot get out of this stuck state, Like there is no magic pill, there is no fast forward button. At some point, you're going to have to do hard work and be uncomfortable and make hard decisions. If the first way you do that is something that you voluntarily choose. If the first way you do that is something that you're like, yeah, I'm going to do, Like I'm excited by this challenge. I think that's going to increase your tolerance for future discomfort that just comes with having a life that is big and a life that you life that you want. There is this amazing paper called the Case for Friction, and it discusses how the most important thing that challenging ourselves does, or setting a six month challenge does, is teach our brain to start craving delayed gratification over immediate gratification. And this basically means that in the long term, our motivational systems begin to shift from chasing quick dopamine hits to valuing effort, patience, strategy, consistency, and long term reward. That is the momentum we need. Nobody gets anywhere in life. Nobody gets out of a stuck state by just doing what they are used to doing. We get out of a stuck state by getting hooked on bigger dreams and more sustained, larger personal reward rather than just like the instantaneous reward of comfort that can actually be quite constrictive of routine that's actually not serving us or even we get stuck because we imagine all the things that we like to do, like in that first exercise, not realizing that fantasizing and thinking about the future in this romantic way is a way we get dopamine. Like imagining a future that you really want is a dopamine hit in itself, and we can get very obsessed and very hooked on on that kind of source and that kind of input of good feelings from simply fantasizing and imagining. We need to convert that. We need to take those good feelings and turn them into action, turn it into forward movement, to turn it into progress. And I thought that sounds like so many like cliche buzzwords, but essentially, to rephrase it again, pick a six month challenge. Say I'm gonna work at this for six months. If at the end of six months nothing's come of it, that's fine. The only purpose, the only thing it does, is to shock you out of chasing short term validation or short term dopamine or short term reward and shift your mind into seeing the value of chasing long term reward, things that don't come easily that make your life better regardless. My next tip, I think is probably one of the most important and one that I very rarely see people talk about. Stop asking everybody else for advice if you are stuck right now. Everybody else's opinions are not as helpful as you think they are, because these people either care too much or really don't care at all to give you good advice. Either they care so much about you that they are imagining a life that they want for you that matches their idea of what success looks like, or matches their idea of what security looks like. That is never going to make you happy, and they're going to start enforcing that on you. I'm like specifically thinking about like parents here, or you know that, people who are just like, yeah, and you should totally do that. You should do that because they're not living your life. They don't really like they might care about you. They might be your friend, they might even be your partner, but like, either they're just going to agree with you, or they're just going to be like not genuinely thinking about whether that makes strategic sense for you. You know what you want to do that, you do know right, you know what your dream is, you know what your next step is. Constantly asking what others think is just a way of avoiding that because that dream feels a little bit too big, And it's just a way of avoiding it because, like you know, it's gonna take hard work. You know, it's probably gonna mean you lose things, You're gonna be exhausted. But the more you ask other people for their input, the more detached you come from that gut instinct and that intuition that is screaming at you, yelling at you, saying this needs to change, and this is how we're gonna do it. Because I think we all have that gut instinct. I just think if you're feeling stuck right now, you actually don't need more input. You need need more internal clarity, and that really only comes from sitting deeply with yourself, reflecting deeply within yourself, and then just taking any kind of action, whether or not other people approve of it or not. In a very similar vein, getting unstuck means you have to spend less time online. It means you have to get off social media. I cannot express this enough, Like I deeply I wish I had more more of a vocab to explain to you how much social media gets you gets in the way of you figuring out your life again because you are so bombarded by a million different examples of how everybody else is living their lives, and all those different examples are giving you a different blueprint that is confusing you every single day, Like you long in, who logs it anymore? Every single day that you just open your phone and you scroll, It's like, this is how I change my life. I walked ten thousand steps a day, I did this and this and this. The next person is like, this is how I changed my life. I actually stopped exercising altogether and only focused on this. This is how I changed my life. I started doing this crazy diet or this crazy routine or this crazy journal exercise, or I quit my job or I went travel. It's you could genuinely find in one sitting on TikTok or Instagram, fifty different examples of people trying to convince you or sell you a life strategy that has worked for them that probably will not work for you. How can you figure out? Just like that advice point as well, how can you figure out what you want in your life if your thoughts are constantly being interrupted, intercepted, frazzled by what other people are doing. And I do think that's why we get so stuck is because we want the perfect part. We want to know that everything is going to work out, and so we do seek certainty in other people's lives and yeah, in other people's opinions, waiting for the moment when we feel like, Okay, that's the plan that makes sense. This is the exact blueprint of things that I need to do, and everything will work out for me because this person promised it or because it worked for this person. And unfortunately, I think it's just the truth of our twenties and the truth of existing. The only certainty we have is hindsight. Right, nothing is going to be promised to you. Stop searching for like the certified plan for how you're going to fix your life, and just move in a single direction. I also think another reason we get stuck, and why social media gets us stuck, is that it just wastes so many hours of our lives. And that is not a revolutionary statement. I feel like all of us know this, but genuinely imagine how much you could get done with the time you spend on social media were to fill those hours with something that you felt connected to. Personally. A big strategy for me that I've been doing quite a lot recently is I delete social media the moment I step into my door, and I can re download it when I'm out and about, but in my house, in my home, I really try and limit it, or I really try and delete it for extended periods of time, because it's so easy to be sitting around bored, feeling unmotivated, and to get that low level of reward from scrolling and from engaging in other people's lives and it just doesn't help you. And there is so much space in those moments that is available for you to actually be doing something that would be bettering yourself, and to actually be doing something even if it was just planning an adventure or planning a trip, or just engaging with your hobbies that would have help move the dial when it comes to your life. That actually brings me to tip number five. I kind of just mentioned it, but and you know what, this should have been number one, because I feel like this is this really is my favorite. I say this but every single one, but this is a guaranteed way that to get you unstuck, like guaranteed one hundred percent effectiveness rate, go on more adventures, get out and about in the world, shake up your routine, shake up your life, shake up the status quote of what you do every single day. I feel like when we get stuck, we get into this negative loop, right, this negative loop of everything just going around and around and around same thing every single day. And the adventure, the insertion of adventure is the is, the is, the breaker, is the circuit. Breaker, is the thing that says, oh, we're actually not going to keep doing what we've always been doing today great, and your mind grabs onto that, and your mind we know this. Loves novelty, loves newness, loves opportunities for new experiences, and it it deeply and intensely expands how you see the world. It changes your neural networks, It changes your psychology because when you have adventures, and I don't mean like a grand hike Machu Pichu Summit, Mount Everest adventure, I mean like the adventure of going to the next town over and like, I don't know, going on a solo hike by yourself. I mean the adventure of a casual road trip. I mean the adventure of just like doing anything that is fun and that you can write a little bit of a story about and that lets you meet new people, lets you see new things that you usually wouldn't see. That opens doors for you mentally, physically, and most importantly obviously psychologically. Part of the reason we get stuck again is because we see the world and we believe it's always going to be that way. We see our lives and we've been so habituated to what they've always been like that we imagine that there is no future where they will not be the same. Giving your brain the opportunity even the slightest chance to see what else is out there and to see how quickly you could make a decision and be up and going and having a great time, it's just really powerful, and I think just puts agency back into your hands for changing your life. Well, I think that's all we have time for. Like I said, this was a quick, little fun episode for you guys for your weekend. I hope you enjoyed these tips. I hope they are helpful. Genuinely. That mind map tip, the first one I spoke about, is you could do it today and it will completely shift how you see your problems at least give you some more clarity so I would highly highly suggest it if you are really in a state of starkness. A couple of the things that I would recommend we have this episode called how to Feel Like Yourself Again. I think it was released late last year, that really goes into this in more depth about how to get back to the core parts of your personality and the core parts of yourself that will allow you to trust your instincts more when it comes to making choices. There is also a book that I would recommend called The Anatomy of a Breakthrough by doctor Adam Alter, who is a dream guest of the podcast. Would love to have him on at some stage, but is a powerful book. Is a fantastic book, and I think we'll give you a lot more a lot more of a lot more of a guide to understanding friction points and to understanding whether it is a mentality or a physical circumstances that keeping yourself stuck, because I feel like for this episode we really only spoke about when it is a mental roadblock, but he talks a lot more about the combination of a mental and a physical roadblock. So an amazing book, an amazing resource. I will leave a little link in the description below, as well as that other episode I spoke about. But yeah, thanks for tuning in. Guys, make sure that you are following. Send this to a friend if you think they may need to hear it. You can also watch full episodes of the Psychology of Your Twenties on Netflix, which is pretty cool. Not this episode because it is just for my audio listeners, just for you guys, but other episodes like there's two a week on Netflix. Yeah. I don't know what more to say. I need to be I need to get better at self promotion. I realized that, but oh my god, look at me. Yeah go watch it. Yeah, go check it out. It does really help the show, and it's a big thing for podcasts and a big thing obviously for our podcast as well. You can also follow us on Instagram. You can follow us on substack. It's all going to be in the description. I feel like you guys are smart, you know where to find it. But until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. We will talk very very soon.