342 | Answer or Redirect? Preserving Connection Without Shifting the Focus

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi,

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I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode,

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I'm answering a question from Emily in North Carolina.

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Actually,

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I'm answering several questions from Emily in North Carolina.

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And so apparently,

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since she started listening to the Play Therapy Podcast,

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she's had an ongoing list of questions on her phone.

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And she has a Google doc called Brenna Questions.

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So

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I've been given several in this email from the Google doc of Brenna questions.

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I love y'all.

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I,

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I just want you to know so many of you

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say that you have these little things related to me

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in your life.

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Like I have a list of Brenna questions or I have like what would Brenna say?

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or I'm always thinking about the why matters because you say it or whatever.

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I actually,

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y'all,

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I had an,

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I didn't mean to do that,

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but it's about y'all.

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I had an Australian in the Collective this week.

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Quote the word y'all

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in her post,

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like,

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I wanted y'all to know.

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And I was like,

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look at you trying to speak like an American because of me.

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And not all Americans say y'all,

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but I'm a Southern girl through and through,

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so that's how it goes.

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Anyway,

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I just wanted to let you know,

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seriously,

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I appreciate you all so much.

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I value you so much.

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I love you all so much.

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It's so fun to connect with you and thank you for

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your love for me and your commitment to kids

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and spending so much time with this podcast.

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I don't have the opportunity to do something like

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this if you all don't want to listen.

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So

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hope you know that I mean it when I say I love you.

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So I'm going to read parts of Emily's

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email.

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We'll dive into three questions.

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One on what to say when a child wants to know why they come to see you.

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Secondly,

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games for older kids and if they are games that

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questions are asked in the game,

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how do you handle that?

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And then third,

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what about when an older kid wants to know things about you personally?

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Those are the topics we're gonna cover today.

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So Emily,

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thanks for the question.

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All right,

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so the first question,

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what do you recommend for parents to say to kids if

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they ask why or why their sibling goes to see you?

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What do you tell kids if they ask that?

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I think you may have mentioned this somewhere,

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but I can't find it.

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I tell parents to introduce the idea of coming to me with,

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I met someone named as Emily.

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She has a room filled with lots of toys and you're gonna go play with her for an hour.

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However,

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if kids ask why they're going to come play with me,

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I'm not sure what to recommend that parents say.

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I also have families where siblings ask why their sibling gets to come play with me,

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but they don't.

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So let's stop there.

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All right,

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so Emily,

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your intro and what you give as the script for what parents can say to their child,

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that's a really helpful script.

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I met with someone named Miss Brenna.

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I like her.

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I think you're going to like her too.

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She has a room full of toys and you're gonna get

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to go play with her for an hour each week.

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That is our standard script for when we introduce

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to a child what CCPT is all about in a very age appropriate and nontherapeutic way.

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That's the script that we give parents to

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say to their children.

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So to answer the question,

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what about if a child asks you why they come

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to see you and that will happen quite often,

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especially if they are trying to normalize their experience,

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especially if they are trying to make sense of the whole process.

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And when that happens,

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my standard response is.

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Most kids like to be able to be in charge for an hour each week.

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And your parents and I both thought that you would

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like getting to come here and be in charge.

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And that is 99% of the time enough to satisfy that kind of question

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because what kid says,

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no,

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I don't want to be in charge.

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So

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that's a really helpful workaround.

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We thought your parents and I both thought that you would enjoy having an hour each

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week where you get to be in charge and you get to decide what happens.

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And that is usually a satisfactory answer.

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As far as if a sibling says,

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why do they play with you

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and

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I don't,

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I typically say,

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oh,

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you really wish that you could come back and play too.

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Right now I'm playing with so and so,

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but maybe at some point I might be able to play with you.

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And I just leave it very open ended like that.

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And there have been times when on

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the termination phase of working with a sibling.

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The other sibling has come back for a small portion of the time.

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If they are not going to begin work with me

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individually,

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many families will say,

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I'm gonna start with this child,

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and then when we're done with this one,

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I'd like you to see my other child as well.

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So oftentimes I'm able to say,

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I am gonna get to play with you.

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I'm gonna play with so and so for now,

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but then when they're done,

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I'm gonna play with you as well.

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So if I'm able to truthfully say that,

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that's typically my response.

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But if I know that it is not likely

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that we're going to transition to the other sibling.

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Then as with my current client's permission and with the parent's permission,

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we devote a few minutes of one of those final sessions

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to have the other sibling come back for a few minutes

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and spend a little bit of time in the playroom,

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and that's something that they look forward to.

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OK,

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so for the second question,

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you mentioned having games like would you rather for older kids?

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I'm not sure if you also recommended the ungame.

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I don't.

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I,

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well,

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I'm not so that I don't recommend it.

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I just don't have that in my playroom.

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How do you explain to kids that only they will be

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answering the would you rather questions and you will not?

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I actually do not tell them that.

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So

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I'm very careful

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with letting the child lead and if the child says

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that they also want me to answer the questions.

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Then I give the simplest briefest.

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Most factual and age appropriate answer that I can give.

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So let's say the question is,

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would you rather

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jump into a bathtub full of jello or jump into a bathtub full of pudding?

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Typically you can.

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Feign that you're having a hard time making the decision and

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the child will jump in and tell you their choice.

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So let me explain what that would look like.

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So the question is,

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would you rather go into a tub full of jello or pudding?

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And I would go,

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Oh my goodness.

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Well,

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pudding would be thicker and it might be harder to get in and out of.

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Jello would be squishy and cold,

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so that might feel kind of weird.

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Oh my goodness,

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I don't know.

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I don't know which one I would rather be in.

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And if you talk about the question

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long enough,

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a lot of times kids will say,

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Oh,

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I would pick pudding.

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And then you,

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you go,

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Oh,

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you would choose pudding.

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I might choose pudding too.

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So you can typically kind of talk about the answer

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for many of the questions.

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Every once in a while,

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the kid's like,

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so what's your answer?

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And at that point,

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I typically say,

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oh gosh,

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I think that's probably a tie,

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but if I had to pick,

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I might say maybe jello.

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And it's,

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it's a very brief,

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simple answer,

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because

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if the child is expecting an answer,

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we want to honor the fact that

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we're taking turns in a game.

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Often kids,

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even when it's your question,

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they will answer your question.

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So if you are a wordsmith enough and you stall

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long enough and you talk about the answer long enough,

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oftentimes kids will answer their questions and your questions,

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and then you can just echo the answer that they've provided.

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So it's kind of a

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a dialogue game

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that you play in scenarios like that,

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but I actually do not tell a child that I will not answer the questions.

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I let that unfold per kid,

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per session.

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Because sometimes kids will answer every question themselves,

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sometimes kids will answer the question and then say,

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well,

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what would you answer?

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And then sometimes kids are gonna say,

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we're gonna take turns.

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It really just depends and it's kind of a case by case basis for that one.

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And then

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3rd question.

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How do you respond

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when a child is asking questions because they want to connect with you?

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I know you addressed this,

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and you said basically reflect back as much as possible.

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If they stop asking,

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the reflection got to the heart of what they needed.

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Yes,

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we've talked about that before.

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Then if they keep asking after multiple reflections,

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you will usually answer.

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I have a pre-teen who asks a lot of questions about me

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because she is so interested in other people and loves to connect.

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She's talkative and a way that she connects is through conversation.

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She also is a people pleaser and puts aside

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her own preferences to do what's convenient for others.

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This is tricky for me because she asks lots of questions as a way to try to connect.

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She frequently asks things like where did I go to school?

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do I have kids?

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What's my favorite food or color?

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What restaurant?

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do I like?

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I reflect back something like you're curious what things I like,

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but I don't like to answer because I don't want to give an impression that the things I

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like are the right things or open it up for her to make it about pleasing me.

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However,

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she gets frustrated when I reflect the question back to her,

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understandably,

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and don't give an answer.

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It almost feels like when I reflect back and she gets frustrated,

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it breaks the connection.

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Usually yes.

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It's as if she feels like I'm not meeting her where she is,

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like I'm being stubborn and withholding,

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as if,

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quote,

269
00:09:28,940 --> 00:09:30,969
I see it's important to you to connect in this way,

270
00:09:31,010 --> 00:09:32,049
but I'm not going to do it,

271
00:09:32,059 --> 00:09:32,669
end quote.

272
00:09:33,299 --> 00:09:36,859
How can I preserve the connection but also not just answer a bunch of questions

273
00:09:36,859 --> 00:09:40,809
about myself and give her an invitation to please me or make it about me?

274
00:09:41,219 --> 00:09:43,739
I know part of the issue is that she's working on building up

275
00:09:43,739 --> 00:09:45,739
tolerance for a relationship where she's not

276
00:09:45,739 --> 00:09:47,500
focusing completely on the other person.

277
00:09:47,830 --> 00:09:50,500
And working on being able to have her own preferences,

278
00:09:51,099 --> 00:09:52,150
her own sense of self,

279
00:09:52,340 --> 00:09:52,900
her own thoughts,

280
00:09:52,940 --> 00:09:53,219
feelings,

281
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:54,219
and be OK with it,

282
00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:56,700
but I also don't want it to seem as if I'm withholding.

283
00:09:58,010 --> 00:09:59,679
Or trying to avoid connection

284
00:10:00,049 --> 00:10:03,000
or as if I don't see her need and desire to connect to people.

285
00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:03,940
OK,

286
00:10:04,039 --> 00:10:04,770
and Emily,

287
00:10:04,849 --> 00:10:06,849
I think it's really interesting that you asked

288
00:10:06,849 --> 00:10:09,039
this question in the way in which you did

289
00:10:09,419 --> 00:10:12,719
because you just basically addressed the considerations.

290
00:10:13,010 --> 00:10:15,159
So thank you on everyone's behalf

291
00:10:15,570 --> 00:10:17,400
for really kind of unpacking

292
00:10:17,729 --> 00:10:19,400
why this matters because.

293
00:10:20,099 --> 00:10:24,210
There is something to be said for we don't want the session to become about us.

294
00:10:24,460 --> 00:10:26,570
We don't want the focus to be on ourselves.

295
00:10:26,859 --> 00:10:29,179
We don't want to do anything or say anything that's going

296
00:10:29,179 --> 00:10:31,929
to be a hindrance or a distraction from the child's work.

297
00:10:32,260 --> 00:10:33,729
We don't want to

298
00:10:34,059 --> 00:10:35,070
provide

299
00:10:35,250 --> 00:10:36,530
conversation and dialogue

300
00:10:36,739 --> 00:10:38,250
if the child is not

301
00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:39,780
willing and able to do that.

302
00:10:40,190 --> 00:10:43,559
So all of those things are some are things that we need to be mindful of.

303
00:10:43,969 --> 00:10:44,640
However,

304
00:10:44,809 --> 00:10:46,960
you also hit the nail on the head when you said,

305
00:10:47,130 --> 00:10:48,520
I feel like sometimes

306
00:10:48,890 --> 00:10:51,039
I'm inadvertently communicating.

307
00:10:51,570 --> 00:10:53,039
I see it's important to you to connect,

308
00:10:53,090 --> 00:10:54,359
but I'm not going to do it.

309
00:10:54,770 --> 00:10:56,849
It almost becomes a reverse power struggle.

310
00:10:56,859 --> 00:10:59,719
I actually had one of my coaching participants label it as that,

311
00:10:59,770 --> 00:10:59,969
and I,

312
00:11:00,049 --> 00:11:02,200
and I really have valued that phrase

313
00:11:02,700 --> 00:11:03,159
because

314
00:11:03,369 --> 00:11:05,520
when a child is wanting an answer from you,

315
00:11:05,690 --> 00:11:08,719
it usually has a sense of power and control element to it.

316
00:11:09,219 --> 00:11:12,869
When they will not let it go and they're not satisfied with reflections

317
00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:14,880
and returning responsibility,

318
00:11:15,619 --> 00:11:16,169
when they really,

319
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:17,380
really want you to answer,

320
00:11:17,460 --> 00:11:19,090
whether it's for relationship connection,

321
00:11:19,140 --> 00:11:19,890
or otherwise,

322
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:21,820
there's an element of power and control.

323
00:11:21,859 --> 00:11:22,690
I'm in charge.

324
00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:24,609
I'm asking you to answer this question,

325
00:11:24,859 --> 00:11:25,940
so answer it.

326
00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:28,859
And then when we refuse,

327
00:11:29,469 --> 00:11:31,940
it almost becomes a reverse power struggle,

328
00:11:32,190 --> 00:11:34,869
where now we are kind of drawing the line in

329
00:11:34,869 --> 00:11:36,710
the sand and digging our heels in and saying,

330
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,219
I will not answer this question.

331
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,619
And I actually think that it is damaging to the relationship.

332
00:11:41,710 --> 00:11:44,570
I think it can absolutely be a rupture or a fracture,

333
00:11:45,309 --> 00:11:49,590
and it's something where we're not actually acknowledging the child's needs.

334
00:11:49,630 --> 00:11:49,979
Now,

335
00:11:50,190 --> 00:11:51,780
we certainly don't want to

336
00:11:52,190 --> 00:11:54,539
go on a 5 minute dialogue about

337
00:11:54,789 --> 00:11:57,500
I went to this school and then I went to this school and then I did this and then my,

338
00:11:57,510 --> 00:11:59,669
the mascot here was this and this one was called this,

339
00:11:59,710 --> 00:12:00,750
but that was in Arizona.

340
00:12:00,830 --> 00:12:01,580
Now I live here.

341
00:12:02,190 --> 00:12:04,099
That's never the approach that we take.

342
00:12:04,270 --> 00:12:05,059
But if a kid says,

343
00:12:05,109 --> 00:12:06,109
where did you go to school?

344
00:12:07,599 --> 00:12:07,979
I mean,

345
00:12:08,070 --> 00:12:09,619
my immediate answer

346
00:12:10,210 --> 00:12:13,760
would be if I decide that it is important to answer the question,

347
00:12:13,789 --> 00:12:16,729
I'll get to that in just a second because we have to filter the why.

348
00:12:16,909 --> 00:12:18,510
I've talked about this in earlier podcast,

349
00:12:18,549 --> 00:12:19,979
but it's helpful to repeat it.

350
00:12:20,270 --> 00:12:23,380
We have to kind of get to the heart of why the child is asking.

351
00:12:23,869 --> 00:12:26,510
And so if I determine that this is a question that

352
00:12:26,510 --> 00:12:29,909
the child needs me to answer for a variety of reasons,

353
00:12:30,270 --> 00:12:32,059
my immediate answer would be,

354
00:12:32,289 --> 00:12:32,830
oh my goodness,

355
00:12:32,890 --> 00:12:34,280
I've gone to lots of schools.

356
00:12:35,690 --> 00:12:37,469
That is a truthful answer,

357
00:12:37,570 --> 00:12:38,960
but it is a non-answer.

358
00:12:40,179 --> 00:12:41,090
In other words,

359
00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:42,809
what school did you go to?

360
00:12:43,260 --> 00:12:44,530
I'm answering the question.

361
00:12:44,659 --> 00:12:47,080
I'm just not saying Belcher Elementary School.

362
00:12:47,460 --> 00:12:49,489
I'm just not saying Safety Harbor Middle School.

363
00:12:50,650 --> 00:12:51,289
I'm saying,

364
00:12:51,429 --> 00:12:51,929
oh my goodness,

365
00:12:51,969 --> 00:12:53,640
I've gone to lots of schools.

366
00:12:53,890 --> 00:12:55,599
And then the child might say,

367
00:12:56,010 --> 00:12:56,130
yeah,

368
00:12:56,250 --> 00:12:58,159
but like what was the name of your high school?

369
00:12:58,809 --> 00:12:59,140
Oh,

370
00:12:59,250 --> 00:13:00,450
Palm Harbor University.

371
00:13:01,890 --> 00:13:02,150
OK,

372
00:13:02,250 --> 00:13:02,739
now,

373
00:13:03,010 --> 00:13:05,239
here's what I mean by filter down to the why,

374
00:13:05,650 --> 00:13:07,960
because if it is for a relationship or connection,

375
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,549
Reflect back several times and if they don't let it go,

376
00:13:11,599 --> 00:13:13,710
they really need and want an answer from you.

377
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:15,440
Give age appropriate,

378
00:13:15,599 --> 00:13:16,030
brief,

379
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:17,909
clear responses,

380
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,750
and then immediately turn it back to the child.

381
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:21,599
So,

382
00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:25,159
I went to Palm Harbor University High School.

383
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,289
You were curious about where I went to high school.

384
00:13:29,020 --> 00:13:33,020
So you give an answer and you immediately go back to a reflection of content,

385
00:13:33,140 --> 00:13:34,450
to a reflection of feeling.

386
00:13:35,239 --> 00:13:38,599
You pivot back immediately and put the focus back on the child.

387
00:13:39,289 --> 00:13:41,320
You were curious about where I went to school.

388
00:13:42,049 --> 00:13:42,309
Oh,

389
00:13:42,409 --> 00:13:45,000
you were wondering about where I went to school.

390
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:48,359
You're always going to immediately put it back on the child.

391
00:13:49,599 --> 00:13:52,250
And what you're doing in that

392
00:13:52,580 --> 00:13:53,900
is determining,

393
00:13:53,940 --> 00:13:54,140
OK,

394
00:13:54,219 --> 00:13:54,580
you know what,

395
00:13:54,659 --> 00:13:57,890
this child really wants this information and and here's what's fascinating.

396
00:13:58,140 --> 00:14:02,010
Usually you will understand why once you answer.

397
00:14:02,659 --> 00:14:04,140
So if a child says,

398
00:14:04,219 --> 00:14:06,250
I think I shared this on an episode before,

399
00:14:06,460 --> 00:14:07,530
I had a kid that was like,

400
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:09,500
do you have brothers or sisters?

401
00:14:10,570 --> 00:14:10,650
Now,

402
00:14:10,690 --> 00:14:12,729
I'd been working with this kid for a really long time.

403
00:14:13,630 --> 00:14:14,460
And he's a twin.

404
00:14:15,380 --> 00:14:17,210
And I,

405
00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:19,369
he and his twin brother

406
00:14:19,739 --> 00:14:20,650
both saw me.

407
00:14:20,820 --> 00:14:21,210
They're very,

408
00:14:21,260 --> 00:14:21,770
very close,

409
00:14:21,859 --> 00:14:24,460
but they're very dissimilar in personality.

410
00:14:25,340 --> 00:14:26,010
So they're,

411
00:14:26,140 --> 00:14:28,419
they have that like twin bond where they are kind

412
00:14:28,419 --> 00:14:30,369
of like the same person in two different bodies,

413
00:14:30,539 --> 00:14:32,739
but then they're actually very different people

414
00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:35,099
because they have different personalities and likes and

415
00:14:35,369 --> 00:14:36,299
and bents and whatever.

416
00:14:36,380 --> 00:14:37,619
So really fascinating.

417
00:14:37,659 --> 00:14:38,710
I love working with twins,

418
00:14:38,780 --> 00:14:40,210
but that's for another discussion.

419
00:14:40,820 --> 00:14:41,309
So

420
00:14:41,700 --> 00:14:42,380
he was like,

421
00:14:42,739 --> 00:14:44,250
do you have siblings?

422
00:14:45,150 --> 00:14:46,780
And I'd been with this kid long enough,

423
00:14:46,859 --> 00:14:49,369
he is never satisfied with a non-answer.

424
00:14:49,859 --> 00:14:52,020
So you learn patterns of behavior with your kids too,

425
00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:54,250
and you learn what kids need from you.

426
00:14:54,580 --> 00:14:58,020
If you're fully attuned and you're fully present and you are CCPT.

427
00:14:58,619 --> 00:15:02,340
You learn your kids and you learn their nuances and and their needs,

428
00:15:02,419 --> 00:15:03,150
their desires,

429
00:15:03,299 --> 00:15:04,090
all of those things.

430
00:15:04,289 --> 00:15:07,900
This kid needed an answer and I knew there was purpose in the question.

431
00:15:08,059 --> 00:15:10,890
He wasn't a kid that asked questions just to ask them.

432
00:15:11,179 --> 00:15:13,690
His was not a relational or connection need.

433
00:15:14,020 --> 00:15:14,729
His was,

434
00:15:14,859 --> 00:15:18,140
I'm bringing this up and I'm asking you because I want to know

435
00:15:18,140 --> 00:15:20,580
if you're gonna be able to understand what I'm about to tell you.

436
00:15:21,919 --> 00:15:22,479
So he said,

437
00:15:22,559 --> 00:15:23,559
do you have siblings?

438
00:15:24,239 --> 00:15:25,099
And I said,

439
00:15:25,510 --> 00:15:26,140
yes.

440
00:15:27,159 --> 00:15:28,070
Now notice,

441
00:15:28,719 --> 00:15:30,869
I could have elaborated a whole lot more.

442
00:15:31,239 --> 00:15:32,109
I could have said his name.

443
00:15:32,159 --> 00:15:33,590
I could have said that I'm older than him.

444
00:15:33,619 --> 00:15:34,809
I could have said I had a brother.

445
00:15:35,030 --> 00:15:36,669
I could have said I don't have sisters.

446
00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:37,840
I could have said whatever.

447
00:15:37,919 --> 00:15:38,190
I,

448
00:15:38,330 --> 00:15:38,549
I,

449
00:15:38,559 --> 00:15:39,590
all I said was,

450
00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:40,309
yes.

451
00:15:41,159 --> 00:15:41,919
And then he goes,

452
00:15:42,090 --> 00:15:43,359
a brother or a sister?

453
00:15:44,719 --> 00:15:45,510
I said

454
00:15:45,750 --> 00:15:46,429
a brother.

455
00:15:47,469 --> 00:15:48,049
And I said,

456
00:15:48,250 --> 00:15:49,960
you have a brother and a sister,

457
00:15:50,169 --> 00:15:50,809
because he has an older,

458
00:15:50,890 --> 00:15:51,690
they have an older sister,

459
00:15:51,770 --> 00:15:52,559
the twin boys.

460
00:15:53,210 --> 00:15:53,570
So I said,

461
00:15:53,650 --> 00:15:55,010
you have a brother and a sister.

462
00:15:55,130 --> 00:15:57,250
Note that I immediately put it back on him,

463
00:15:57,450 --> 00:15:58,119
and he goes,

464
00:15:58,450 --> 00:15:58,650
yeah,

465
00:15:58,849 --> 00:16:00,190
aren't brothers annoying?

466
00:16:00,729 --> 00:16:02,739
And then ranted for five minutes about his twin.

467
00:16:04,030 --> 00:16:07,020
And I know this kid well enough to know that if he asked me,

468
00:16:07,099 --> 00:16:07,820
do you have siblings,

469
00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:08,729
do you have a brother?

470
00:16:09,419 --> 00:16:12,169
What was going to come up was about his own brother.

471
00:16:12,409 --> 00:16:13,140
I knew it.

472
00:16:13,419 --> 00:16:14,940
You need to trust your clinical gut,

473
00:16:14,950 --> 00:16:17,099
you need to understand where the kid is and

474
00:16:17,099 --> 00:16:19,210
what they're going to need or want from you.

475
00:16:20,059 --> 00:16:23,700
And that's a moment where I answered the question because he needed me to.

476
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:25,219
He wanted to know

477
00:16:25,510 --> 00:16:28,500
if I could understand what it's like to have an annoying brother.

478
00:16:28,869 --> 00:16:29,710
And as a matter of fact,

479
00:16:29,830 --> 00:16:30,460
I can.

480
00:16:31,070 --> 00:16:31,190
Sorry,

481
00:16:31,270 --> 00:16:31,820
Brandon.

482
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:33,960
3 years younger than me,

483
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:34,280
you know,

484
00:16:34,479 --> 00:16:35,599
older sister or brother.

485
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:35,799
I,

486
00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:37,789
I do know what it's like to have an annoying brother.

487
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:38,669
Not so much anymore.

488
00:16:38,739 --> 00:16:39,599
We're actually really close,

489
00:16:39,719 --> 00:16:40,200
really good friends.

490
00:16:40,239 --> 00:16:41,469
I love him dearly.

491
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:42,830
But when I was a kid,

492
00:16:42,919 --> 00:16:44,830
I used to think he was annoying frequently.

493
00:16:45,619 --> 00:16:48,409
So there was a connection point that was made,

494
00:16:49,039 --> 00:16:49,640
but it was,

495
00:16:49,719 --> 00:16:52,479
are you gonna be able to relate to what I need to vent about?

496
00:16:53,450 --> 00:16:56,010
So often when we are asked questions,

497
00:16:56,059 --> 00:16:57,330
if we get to the root,

498
00:16:57,580 --> 00:16:58,609
it will help us

499
00:16:59,539 --> 00:17:02,010
understand what the child needs and therefore our response.

500
00:17:02,780 --> 00:17:04,180
Sometimes you can return responsibility,

501
00:17:04,500 --> 00:17:05,618
sometimes you can reflect feelings,

502
00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:07,239
sometimes you can reflect content

503
00:17:07,500 --> 00:17:09,079
and they'll let you off the hook.

504
00:17:09,709 --> 00:17:10,800
Other times they won't.

505
00:17:11,020 --> 00:17:14,729
But if we refuse to answer when a child really wants an answer,

506
00:17:14,900 --> 00:17:18,089
when we could just give a very simple and brief response.

507
00:17:18,959 --> 00:17:20,069
What school did you go to?

508
00:17:20,890 --> 00:17:21,479
Oh my goodness,

509
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:22,800
I went to lots of schools.

510
00:17:25,020 --> 00:17:25,560
It

511
00:17:26,098 --> 00:17:29,369
makes it easier for the flow of the session,

512
00:17:29,780 --> 00:17:31,930
because it's actually very interruptive

513
00:17:32,579 --> 00:17:35,829
for a child to feel like they can't move forward

514
00:17:36,310 --> 00:17:39,089
because you're refusing to engage in dialogue with them.

515
00:17:40,130 --> 00:17:40,640
So I,

516
00:17:40,670 --> 00:17:41,030
Emily,

517
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:45,479
encourage you to give answers when you think that it's important and needed

518
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:46,500
for the child.

519
00:17:47,459 --> 00:17:50,329
And then you don't have to have that fight

520
00:17:50,540 --> 00:17:53,770
where that reverse power struggle or inverse power struggle is taking place.

521
00:17:53,939 --> 00:17:56,140
So I hope that is helpful for all of you.

522
00:17:56,359 --> 00:17:56,969
Thank you so much,

523
00:17:56,979 --> 00:17:57,260
Emily,

524
00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:57,859
for those questions.

525
00:17:57,939 --> 00:17:59,069
I feel like those were,

526
00:17:59,260 --> 00:18:01,849
were really impactful because we all have

527
00:18:02,099 --> 00:18:03,780
every single one of those scenarios.

528
00:18:03,900 --> 00:18:06,459
Those are very common considerations that that

529
00:18:06,459 --> 00:18:08,530
we're always kind of trying to adjust.

530
00:18:08,859 --> 00:18:09,979
So I appreciate your email.

531
00:18:10,020 --> 00:18:11,270
If y'all would like to email me,

532
00:18:11,339 --> 00:18:12,229
I'd love to hear from you,

533
00:18:12,239 --> 00:18:14,170
brenna@thekidcounselor.com.

534
00:18:14,459 --> 00:18:14,979
Have a great week.

535
00:18:15,020 --> 00:18:15,819
We'll talk again soon.

536
00:18:16,020 --> 00:18:16,219
Bye.

537
00:18:17,329 --> 00:18:20,089
Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr.

538
00:18:20,250 --> 00:18:21,199
Brenna Hicks.

539
00:18:21,369 --> 00:18:23,359
For more episodes and resources,

540
00:18:23,449 --> 00:18:28,209
please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.