216 | Session Savvy: Eliminating "Fluff" Words in Child-Centered Play Therapy

Play Therapy Podcast: A Master-Class in Child-Centered Play Therapy

In this Session Savvy episode of the Play Therapy Podcast, I discuss a common deviation in child-centered play therapy (CCPT)—using phrases like "you feel," "you must be," or "you seem" when reflecting a child's feelings. These phrases, often used as buffers, can unintentionally shift the focus from the child's actual feeling to the qualifier, disrupting the reflective process. I explain why it's more effective to use direct reflections like "You are mad" or "You are sad," which support the development of emotional vocabulary and keep the child grounded in their emotional experience.

I also share reasons why therapists might hesitate to make direct reflections, such as fear of being wrong or discomfort with bold statements. I reassure therapists that it's okay if a child disagrees with the reflection; it actually offers an opportunity for the child to clarify their feelings. The key is to be confident, eliminate the "fluff words," and ensure the focus remains on helping children connect their feelings with their experiences.

Sign up for my exclusive newsletter at playtherapynow.com. Stay ahead with the latest CCPT CEU courses, personalized coaching opportunities and other opportunities you need to thrive in your CCPT practice!

If you would like to ask me questions directly, check out www.ccptcollective.com, where I host two weekly Zoom calls filled with advanced CCPT case studies and session reviews, as well as member Q&A. You can take advantage of the two-week free trial to see if the CCPT Collective is right for you.

Ask Me Questions: Call ‪(813) 812-5525‬, or email: brenna@thekidcounselor.com Brenna's CCPT Hub: https://www.playtherapynow.com CCPT Collective (online community exclusively for CCPTs): https://www.ccptcollective.com Podcast HQ: https://www.playtherapypodcast.com APT Approved Play Therapy CE courses: https://childcenteredtraining.com Twitter: @thekidcounselor https://twitter.com/thekidcounselor Facebook: https://facebook.com/playtherapypodcast

Common References: Cochran, N., Nordling, W., & Cochran, J. (2010). Child-Centered Play Therapy (1st ed.). Wiley. VanFleet, R., Sywulak, A. E., & Sniscak, C. C. (2010). Child-centered play therapy. Guilford Press. Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge. Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group. Benedict, Helen. Themes in Play Therapy. Used with permission to Heartland Play Therapy Institute.

2024-10-22 15 min Transcript

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Transcript

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr

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Brenna Hicks. Your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode. I am going through another Session Savvy series

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topic and today we're going to be talking about

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when we start a sentence with you

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when we're trying to give a reflective response.

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But before we get into that

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couple of housekeeping items,

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first and foremost,

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my Australians

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and Asians and anyone close to Australia

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in exactly one month, I am going to be with you all in Brisbane.

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So if you have not yet registered for the conference, please do so.

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It has not reached capacity yet, although they do anticipate it will sell out.

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So if you are thinking about going, please make plans to do that, it

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is going to be in Brisbane on the 21st, 22nd and 23rd. And

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I was gonna say more importantly, but probably not, maybe more excitingly,

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we are now doing a podcast meet up. So all of my

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Aussies, New Zealanders Asians,

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those of you that are planning to be at the conference,

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please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com/meetup.

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And we will have a meet up specifically for podcast listeners

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at the conference. And I'm so looking forward to that because

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the Atlanta meet up was absolutely amazing

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to those of you that came. Thank you so much. Here's another hug.

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It was absolutely an incredible night. I am so, so glad that we were able to do that

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we met in the lobby and it was just so interesting to,

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well,

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let me give you my perspective on things

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because I think mine's a little bit different.

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So what's really fascinating is my face. My picture is on the podcast. So

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people almost always have a sense of what I look

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like and then you're used to hearing my voice.

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So you all feel like, you know, me, you would recognize me, et cetera

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unless you're in the Collective or the coaching programs with me.

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A

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lot of you email me or a lot of you call and leave voicemails.

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And so I have interacted with you,

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but I've never been able to put a face with a name. And so we had 25 people

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and

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only seven of them I knew their name and their face.

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So I'm standing in the hotel lobby and I'm just thinking,

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hopefully they know what I look like and hopefully they recognize me

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because there's no way I can tell who's supposed to be here.

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So we're planning to move to the restaurant as

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soon as everyone gets to the hotel lobby.

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And thankfully, one of my

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coaching participants made a little sign for me.

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But it was just really interesting because I'm waiting on

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strangers to walk up that I won't even recognize.

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And as soon as they walked up, it just felt like a family and it felt like a community

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and

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it,

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there was just an immediate connection

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that was so rich and the night was so fun.

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We played games and there was a podcast quiz and

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we just hung out and ate and, oh my gosh, it was, it was incredible.

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So, thank you again to all of you that came and

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just

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for the rest of you all, I want you to be made aware

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that moving forward.

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Anytime I travel, we will be scheduling meetups wherever I happen to be. So

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in Australia we're having one and then in the spring,

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I'll be speaking in Mississippi and Virginia for sure.

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There are some other states that we're trying to sort out details.

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So as soon as I find out details, we will create a podcast, meet up, sign up

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and we'll be able to have meetups all over the country. So

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if Atlanta was too far, if you weren't able to make it, I promise

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I'll be closer at some point. So I'm really looking forward to that.

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Oh and really quickly for my

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Aussies and for the conference in Australia, if you are not

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a member of the association, that does not matter,

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you can still attend the conference.

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That has been a point of confusion.

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So I just wanna let you know,

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you do not have to be a member to sign up for the conference.

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So don't let that be a hindrance if you wanna go.

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OK.

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So let's dive into this Session Savvy series today.

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And this is one of the things that I see all the time.

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And even I just did a Reflecting Feelings workshop for Virginia,

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APT virtually a couple of weeks back.

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And when we were practicing

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the reflection of feelings,

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so many of the people in the workshop were doing this as well and I

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see this in my play session videos that I review for the coaching participants.

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This is something that we, I think have been conditioned to do

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and I wanna share two reasons why I think we do this

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before I get into what we should be doing.

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Because this, I think provides insight into the why.

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And you know how important that is to me,

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we will often say you feel

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something, you feel excited

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or you must be

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so something or you seem

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or you look, you look frustrated,

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right?

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So we have all of these little words that we put in between

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for you something

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and then what we're about to say, here's why I think we do this

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first and foremost,

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the way that we've been trained in grad school

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to interact in a counseling

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fashion

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in a therapeutic manner.

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That would be something that we would do with adults.

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Hmm You look

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whatever

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so that the adult with rational thinking

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and with cognitive capacity

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then processes why they look something and then they'll talk to you about it

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or you must be so whatever and they go Yeah, because

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OK,

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so when we go back to grad school and most of

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us did not have child specific training in grad school,

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we were learning how to be counselors and

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therapists and social workers to interact with adults.

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So these are actually helpful tools if we were working with adults

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because that

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makes it very clear that the adult then has the

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opportunity to share and reflect and think and process.

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So I think that's one reason that we do it.

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I think the second reason that we do it is we hesitate

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to

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claim

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what the child is experiencing

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and by saying feel or must be or seem or look, it's a, it's a buffer.

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So instead of just saying,

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you're excited,

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we hesitate to do that because well, what if the child's not excited?

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And what if they say no, I'm not. And what if I got that wrong? And what?

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Oh and speaking of got that wrong, that's another Session Savvy series coming up.

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So that's another thing we're gonna talk about,

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but

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we have these things in our head that prevent us from just saying you are

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and the emotion.

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And see again, back to grad school training,

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we were taught

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that a person is not their feelings.

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So we wouldn't say you're proud because they are feeling proud.

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They are not their feelings and their feelings don't make them what they are

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in a rational cognitive intellectual world. That makes sense,

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but it doesn't for children.

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So whether it's because of the grad school training

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or whether it's because we hesitate to reflect feelings

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because of our concern that we may be off target or we may

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have missed something or it's just too bold for us to say you are this

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in that kind of scenario.

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Here's why we don't want to do those things.

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When we say you feel you must be, you seem, you look,

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it

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puts the focus on whatever the word is in the middle.

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So let's go back to reflecting feelings. First pillar.

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This is the only one that does double duty, right?

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So we have a reflective response and we have a pillar.

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This is the only crossover skill

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when we reflect feelings. It's your your.

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So a conjunction, let's go back to elementary school English, right?

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So a conjunction, your

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irritated

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or

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you are

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angry.

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Now see how

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it's very clear to an emotionally

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charged child.

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It's very clear to an experiencing the moment child

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exactly what we're trying to communicate.

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You're angry

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versus

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you feel angry

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all of a sudden it's about the word. Feel

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you must be,

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it's about must be

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you seem,

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you look,

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do you see how all of a sudden the focus is

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on that word instead of just you and the feeling?

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And here's what that does, it forces the child to consider.

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Do I really look? Whatever do I seem whatever

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do I feel? Whatever

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do I must be this?

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It changes the whole dynamic of reflecting feelings

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and when we do that, it's a little bit of a barrier and a hindrance to the child really

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feeling understood and validated and heard.

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Number one, number two, it's a hindrance to the diffusion of the intensity

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if they're escalated.

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And number three,

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it confuses the whole process

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because it forces them to think about it rather than to just live in their emotions,

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which is where they want to stay.

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How many times have we talked about?

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We don't want a child to have to be warring between their head and their heart,

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we don't want to say or do anything that's going to force

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a child up into their head to think about it when,

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where they want to stay is in their hearts where they feel it.

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So if we say

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you're proud,

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the only thing that the child hears is proud,

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but

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you must be proud.

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That's a very different landing of that statement.

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So anytime we fill in something with fluff as I call it,

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I call all those words, fluff.

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So you feel you must be, you seem, you look, those are all fluff words.

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When we throw those in,

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it distracts from the goal, which is

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reflection of feeling for all the reasons we've already talked

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about and for the development of an emotional vocabulary,

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the child is feeling somatic experiences

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exactly the same things that we do.

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So in that moment,

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I feel a certain way

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my body is experiencing certain things.

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And if the only thing that I hear is the emotion,

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if the focus of the reflection of feeling is annoyed

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because they, someone just says, oh, you're annoyed.

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Now all of a sudden that all connects together

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my feeling, my somatic symptoms and the word, it all just succinctly links up.

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But anything else we would do in addition to your annoyed,

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just convolute the whole process.

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And one of our four universal outcomes is an increased emotional vocabulary.

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The reason why that's a universal outcome is

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because it's predicated on the notion that we're

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going to be reflecting the child's feelings in the playroom and they're going to be,

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be able to build an emotional vocabulary as a result.

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So if we are doing anything that's going to kind of

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get in the way of the building of that vocabulary,

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that's something we need to be very mindful of

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pay a lot of attention to

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because it's simple to just train ourselves to say you're

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emotion.

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And I think this is also a confidence thing

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because the more you reflect feelings,

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the more you learn that you don't really have

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to be worried about being spot on every time

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the world does not end. I promise you trust me. 19, almost 20 years in

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the world does not end if you are

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argued with by a child about what you reflected as far as their feeling goes.

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I,

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the, the whole world would have ended so many times if that were the case.

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I, in my experience. So

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you really don't have to be so concerned about.

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Oh, I don't wanna say you're annoyed because what if they're not annoyed?

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What if they're actually frustrated or what if they're

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irritated or what if they're just acting annoyed?

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But they're actually really sad

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and I totally miss it and then it screws the kid up forever.

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This is how we think, but we don't need to.

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So we say,

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oh, you're annoyed

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and they go, no, I'm not.

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So sometimes it's just that

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and you say,

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oh,

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you don't think that you're annoyed?

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That's, that's as simple as it is

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or sometimes they go, no, I'm not, I'm mad.

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Well, guess what? You've just been given

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the, on a platter feeling that you're gonna reflect.

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Oh, you're not annoyed. You're mad.

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I promise it's not as bad as it sounds or thinks or

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feels if a child argues with you when you reflect a feeling,

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but we use these fluff words because we think that maybe

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that will mean that the child won't argue with us.

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But it's so much more impactful and

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so much more helpful from a theoretical standpoint

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to get rid of those words and just say you are emotion

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and then the optional qualifier as always. But

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for time's sake, I haven't really been using those.

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But if you're new to the podcast and this is

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completely revolutionary, which, hey,

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so glad you're here. So glad you're having a-ha moments

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go back and start at episode one, please.

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And then you will know exactly what I'm talking about

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through all of this when I say optional qualifier.

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So

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just be mindful that this is such a powerful tool

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in our toolbox

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and we need to make sure that we're using it appropriately and in best practice

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and we don't need to add in all those extras and the buffers in between.

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So,

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all right, y'all, I hope that that is helpful to you.

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I hope that if you are one of those people that adds in those words,

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you start catching yourself and you start reworking that.

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So you eliminate those words and I think you really will,

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you'll sense the difference and I think you'll see the difference

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in your children in the playroom as well.

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OK. Love you. Talk again soon. Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.

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For more episodes and resources.

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Please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.

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