216 | Session Savvy: Eliminating "Fluff" Words in Child-Centered Play Therapy

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr

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Brenna Hicks. Your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode. I am going through another Session Savvy series

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topic and today we're going to be talking about

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when we start a sentence with you

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when we're trying to give a reflective response.

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But before we get into that

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couple of housekeeping items,

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first and foremost,

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my Australians

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and Asians and anyone close to Australia

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in exactly one month, I am going to be with you all in Brisbane.

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So if you have not yet registered for the conference, please do so.

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It has not reached capacity yet, although they do anticipate it will sell out.

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So if you are thinking about going, please make plans to do that, it

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is going to be in Brisbane on the 21st, 22nd and 23rd. And

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I was gonna say more importantly, but probably not, maybe more excitingly,

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we are now doing a podcast meet up. So all of my

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Aussies, New Zealanders Asians,

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those of you that are planning to be at the conference,

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please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com/meetup.

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And we will have a meet up specifically for podcast listeners

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at the conference. And I'm so looking forward to that because

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the Atlanta meet up was absolutely amazing

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to those of you that came. Thank you so much. Here's another hug.

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It was absolutely an incredible night. I am so, so glad that we were able to do that

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we met in the lobby and it was just so interesting to,

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well,

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let me give you my perspective on things

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because I think mine's a little bit different.

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So what's really fascinating is my face. My picture is on the podcast. So

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people almost always have a sense of what I look

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like and then you're used to hearing my voice.

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So you all feel like, you know, me, you would recognize me, et cetera

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unless you're in the Collective or the coaching programs with me.

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A

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lot of you email me or a lot of you call and leave voicemails.

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And so I have interacted with you,

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but I've never been able to put a face with a name. And so we had 25 people

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and

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only seven of them I knew their name and their face.

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So I'm standing in the hotel lobby and I'm just thinking,

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hopefully they know what I look like and hopefully they recognize me

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because there's no way I can tell who's supposed to be here.

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So we're planning to move to the restaurant as

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soon as everyone gets to the hotel lobby.

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And thankfully, one of my

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coaching participants made a little sign for me.

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But it was just really interesting because I'm waiting on

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strangers to walk up that I won't even recognize.

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And as soon as they walked up, it just felt like a family and it felt like a community

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and

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it,

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there was just an immediate connection

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that was so rich and the night was so fun.

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We played games and there was a podcast quiz and

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we just hung out and ate and, oh my gosh, it was, it was incredible.

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So, thank you again to all of you that came and

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just

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for the rest of you all, I want you to be made aware

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that moving forward.

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Anytime I travel, we will be scheduling meetups wherever I happen to be. So

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in Australia we're having one and then in the spring,

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I'll be speaking in Mississippi and Virginia for sure.

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There are some other states that we're trying to sort out details.

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So as soon as I find out details, we will create a podcast, meet up, sign up

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and we'll be able to have meetups all over the country. So

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if Atlanta was too far, if you weren't able to make it, I promise

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I'll be closer at some point. So I'm really looking forward to that.

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Oh and really quickly for my

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Aussies and for the conference in Australia, if you are not

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a member of the association, that does not matter,

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you can still attend the conference.

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That has been a point of confusion.

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So I just wanna let you know,

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you do not have to be a member to sign up for the conference.

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So don't let that be a hindrance if you wanna go.

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OK.

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So let's dive into this Session Savvy series today.

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And this is one of the things that I see all the time.

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And even I just did a Reflecting Feelings workshop for Virginia,

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APT virtually a couple of weeks back.

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And when we were practicing

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the reflection of feelings,

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so many of the people in the workshop were doing this as well and I

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see this in my play session videos that I review for the coaching participants.

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This is something that we, I think have been conditioned to do

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and I wanna share two reasons why I think we do this

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before I get into what we should be doing.

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Because this, I think provides insight into the why.

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And you know how important that is to me,

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we will often say you feel

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something, you feel excited

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or you must be

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so something or you seem

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or you look, you look frustrated,

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right?

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So we have all of these little words that we put in between

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for you something

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and then what we're about to say, here's why I think we do this

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first and foremost,

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the way that we've been trained in grad school

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to interact in a counseling

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fashion

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in a therapeutic manner.

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That would be something that we would do with adults.

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Hmm You look

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whatever

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so that the adult with rational thinking

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and with cognitive capacity

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then processes why they look something and then they'll talk to you about it

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or you must be so whatever and they go Yeah, because

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OK,

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so when we go back to grad school and most of

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us did not have child specific training in grad school,

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we were learning how to be counselors and

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therapists and social workers to interact with adults.

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So these are actually helpful tools if we were working with adults

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because that

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makes it very clear that the adult then has the

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opportunity to share and reflect and think and process.

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So I think that's one reason that we do it.

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I think the second reason that we do it is we hesitate

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to

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claim

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what the child is experiencing

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and by saying feel or must be or seem or look, it's a, it's a buffer.

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So instead of just saying,

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you're excited,

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we hesitate to do that because well, what if the child's not excited?

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And what if they say no, I'm not. And what if I got that wrong? And what?

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Oh and speaking of got that wrong, that's another Session Savvy series coming up.

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So that's another thing we're gonna talk about,

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but

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we have these things in our head that prevent us from just saying you are

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and the emotion.

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And see again, back to grad school training,

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we were taught

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that a person is not their feelings.

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So we wouldn't say you're proud because they are feeling proud.

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They are not their feelings and their feelings don't make them what they are

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in a rational cognitive intellectual world. That makes sense,

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but it doesn't for children.

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So whether it's because of the grad school training

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or whether it's because we hesitate to reflect feelings

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because of our concern that we may be off target or we may

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have missed something or it's just too bold for us to say you are this

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in that kind of scenario.

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Here's why we don't want to do those things.

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When we say you feel you must be, you seem, you look,

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it

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puts the focus on whatever the word is in the middle.

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So let's go back to reflecting feelings. First pillar.

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This is the only one that does double duty, right?

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So we have a reflective response and we have a pillar.

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This is the only crossover skill

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when we reflect feelings. It's your your.

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So a conjunction, let's go back to elementary school English, right?

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So a conjunction, your

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irritated

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or

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you are

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angry.

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Now see how

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it's very clear to an emotionally

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charged child.

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It's very clear to an experiencing the moment child

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exactly what we're trying to communicate.

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You're angry

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versus

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you feel angry

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all of a sudden it's about the word. Feel

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you must be,

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it's about must be

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you seem,

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you look,

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do you see how all of a sudden the focus is

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on that word instead of just you and the feeling?

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And here's what that does, it forces the child to consider.

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Do I really look? Whatever do I seem whatever

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do I feel? Whatever

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do I must be this?

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It changes the whole dynamic of reflecting feelings

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and when we do that, it's a little bit of a barrier and a hindrance to the child really

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feeling understood and validated and heard.

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Number one, number two, it's a hindrance to the diffusion of the intensity

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if they're escalated.

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And number three,

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it confuses the whole process

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because it forces them to think about it rather than to just live in their emotions,

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which is where they want to stay.

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How many times have we talked about?

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We don't want a child to have to be warring between their head and their heart,

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we don't want to say or do anything that's going to force

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a child up into their head to think about it when,

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where they want to stay is in their hearts where they feel it.

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So if we say

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you're proud,

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the only thing that the child hears is proud,

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but

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you must be proud.

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That's a very different landing of that statement.

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So anytime we fill in something with fluff as I call it,

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I call all those words, fluff.

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So you feel you must be, you seem, you look, those are all fluff words.

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When we throw those in,

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it distracts from the goal, which is

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reflection of feeling for all the reasons we've already talked

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about and for the development of an emotional vocabulary,

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the child is feeling somatic experiences

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exactly the same things that we do.

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So in that moment,

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I feel a certain way

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my body is experiencing certain things.

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And if the only thing that I hear is the emotion,

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if the focus of the reflection of feeling is annoyed

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because they, someone just says, oh, you're annoyed.

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Now all of a sudden that all connects together

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my feeling, my somatic symptoms and the word, it all just succinctly links up.

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But anything else we would do in addition to your annoyed,

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just convolute the whole process.

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And one of our four universal outcomes is an increased emotional vocabulary.

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The reason why that's a universal outcome is

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because it's predicated on the notion that we're

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going to be reflecting the child's feelings in the playroom and they're going to be,

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be able to build an emotional vocabulary as a result.

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So if we are doing anything that's going to kind of

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get in the way of the building of that vocabulary,

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that's something we need to be very mindful of

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pay a lot of attention to

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because it's simple to just train ourselves to say you're

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emotion.

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And I think this is also a confidence thing

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because the more you reflect feelings,

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the more you learn that you don't really have

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to be worried about being spot on every time

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the world does not end. I promise you trust me. 19, almost 20 years in

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the world does not end if you are

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argued with by a child about what you reflected as far as their feeling goes.

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I,

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the, the whole world would have ended so many times if that were the case.

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I, in my experience. So

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you really don't have to be so concerned about.

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Oh, I don't wanna say you're annoyed because what if they're not annoyed?

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What if they're actually frustrated or what if they're

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irritated or what if they're just acting annoyed?

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But they're actually really sad

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and I totally miss it and then it screws the kid up forever.

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This is how we think, but we don't need to.

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So we say,

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oh, you're annoyed

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and they go, no, I'm not.

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So sometimes it's just that

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and you say,

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oh,

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you don't think that you're annoyed?

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That's, that's as simple as it is

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or sometimes they go, no, I'm not, I'm mad.

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Well, guess what? You've just been given

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the, on a platter feeling that you're gonna reflect.

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Oh, you're not annoyed. You're mad.

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I promise it's not as bad as it sounds or thinks or

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feels if a child argues with you when you reflect a feeling,

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but we use these fluff words because we think that maybe

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that will mean that the child won't argue with us.

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But it's so much more impactful and

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so much more helpful from a theoretical standpoint

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to get rid of those words and just say you are emotion

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and then the optional qualifier as always. But

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for time's sake, I haven't really been using those.

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But if you're new to the podcast and this is

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completely revolutionary, which, hey,

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so glad you're here. So glad you're having a-ha moments

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go back and start at episode one, please.

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And then you will know exactly what I'm talking about

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through all of this when I say optional qualifier.

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So

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just be mindful that this is such a powerful tool

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in our toolbox

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and we need to make sure that we're using it appropriately and in best practice

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and we don't need to add in all those extras and the buffers in between.

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So,

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all right, y'all, I hope that that is helpful to you.

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I hope that if you are one of those people that adds in those words,

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you start catching yourself and you start reworking that.

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So you eliminate those words and I think you really will,

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you'll sense the difference and I think you'll see the difference

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in your children in the playroom as well.

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OK. Love you. Talk again soon. Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.

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For more episodes and resources.

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Please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.