169 | When a Child's Outbursts are Limited to Home: A Child-Centered Play Therapy Perspective

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.

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Your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get a master class in child-centered,

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play therapy and practical support and application for

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your work with children and their families.

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In today's episode. I am answering a question from Tammy in Canada.

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Thank you to all of my Canadians who are listening and I actually have

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quite a few Canadians in the collective and in my coaching programs these days.

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So

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it's exciting to have you all.

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Our little northern neighbors, or really large northern neighbor actually.

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Ok. So Tammy's question, I'm, I'm back on track y'all. Sorry, I got diverted.

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So, Tammy's question is about a child who

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is really having a difficult time at home

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but not really in other environments

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and how to support the parents in that

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and kind of processing that through the child-centered lens.

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So, Tammy, thanks so much for the email.

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Let me read parts of her email for you all and then I'll share some thoughts.

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So a question about kids in my practice nine year old, very well behaved.

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That's in quotes

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and liked

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and then quote mature in other settings such as sports and school.

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But at home has outbursts

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will hit parents swear, name call when

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experiencing big emotions

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and then deals with a lot of shame. After quote, I'm a terrible kid. You must hate me.

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End quote.

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Parents are very supportive, reassuring,

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have emotional language and try to help the child deescalates

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behavior is less but is still occurring.

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What is the underlying need? That's the question I'm trying to answer.

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Could this be a response to perceived pressure in other environments?

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There's also some school refusal but this can

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be worked through still comes up though.

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How would the CCPT approach address this and what are strategies parents can use?

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All right, Tammy, thank you. This is a really helpful question I think for all of us.

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So I'm happy to dive into this.

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So I'm gonna kind of tackle these in order as much as possible.

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But I think overarching, it's important for us to note

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that

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when we see that there's disregulation predominantly in one environment,

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we can usually map that down to one of two things.

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So the first option is if it is

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mostly disregulated at home

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but regulated everywhere else,

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that's a very distinct

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scenario. By the way.

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In other words, I can manage my behavior everywhere except at home,

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that's different than

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I am managing my behavior appropriately in the playroom, but nowhere else.

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OK. So let's make it very clear

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home dysregulation but regulated everywhere else.

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It

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is almost always that the child treats

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the people or the person

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who provides them with the most unconditional love and acceptance the worst.

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Let me say that again,

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the child will often treat the person or the people

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from whom they get the most unconditional love and acceptance the worst.

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And that's essentially because

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I have to hold it together everywhere else

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and I can do it.

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But then I need the place to just fall apart

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and let it all out. And I know that you'll love me anyway.

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So there's some freedom

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in knowing that my mom is always going to love me no matter how awful I am to her.

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So I can hold it together for everyone else everywhere else.

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But then at home I fall apart.

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OK. So that is one option.

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Second option is

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that if they are regulated in all environments except one,

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it is usually a relational issue,

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meaning there is some kind of fracture or

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there's some kind of break in the relationship

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between the authority figure and the child.

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We see this often once a child's been in play therapy for a while

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that they've regulated everywhere except school. For example,

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it is almost always a teacher, student relationship issue.

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So in this case, Tammy, you mentioned that the parents are supportive, reassuring,

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have emotional language and they help, try to help the child de escalate

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so that lends itself toward it may not be a relationship issue.

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But I do question and I guess I'm curious

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if these parents are actually too permissive

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because when I hear their support of reassuring,

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have emotional language and they're trying to help their child de escalate,

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are they actually setting appropriate limits on

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this behavior where he's hitting them,

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cussing at them, calling them names?

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Are they just trying to be really sweet and kind and

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loving during those moments or are they actually setting appropriate limits?

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So that becomes my question.

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And obviously, I don't have the answer.

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You might or you might have to talk to them about it, Tammy.

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But

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we have to be very careful that just because parents seem squared away and they seem

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that they're very invested in their children does

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not mean that they're handling circumstances appropriately.

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So when

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they have held it together everywhere else and then they're at their worst at home,

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we can liken it to a pressure cooker

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or to a spool of thread

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that keeps getting tighter and tighter and tighter wound.

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So essentially what's going on is the pressure is building,

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the pressure is building, the pressure is building and I'm hanging on

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and I'm getting it through and I'm doing what I have to do.

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But then when I get home, I have to release the pressure

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and or

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the spool can't be spun more tightly and the thread snaps.

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So that is a really helpful analogy to share with parents sometimes about why

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they

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end up getting the worst.

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I actually did a parenting podcast episode related to this topic a while back.

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I think the title was something like when your children

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treat you like garbage or something along those lines.

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And we talk a lot about this

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because a lot of times parents are like,

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I am so good to them and I am so kind and I don't raise my voice

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and I'm so loving and I'm so patient and I'm the

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one that gets the brunt of all of their junk.

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Well, that needs to be reframed

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because as frustrating as that is and as defeating as that is

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and as hurtful as that sometimes is,

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it actually means that there's a solid relationship there and that the

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child feels safe enough to let you see them at their worst.

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So there's a reframing and kind of a new lens through which

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you can view all of that if a parent understands the why?

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Because the why matters.

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So my staff at my center

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uses against me all the time. Hashtag the why matters.

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Oh, I hear it too much. OK.

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So my next

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thought, you mentioned, what are the strategies parents can use?

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Well, are parents using CCPT strategies? Let's start there

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because just because they're supportive, reassuring,

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have emotional language and they try to help the child deescalates

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is that being perceived as dismissive to the child?

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Just take a breath, you're fine. You don't need to get mad.

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It's gonna be ok.

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The child doesn't feel or believe any of those things in a dysregulated state.

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So, are they reflecting the child's feelings in those moments?

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Are they setting appropriate limits in those moments?

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That becomes my question

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because

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you mentioned, you're wondering how the CCPT approach will address this.

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Well, number one, it builds, it builds an emotional vocabulary

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as the child works through things in the playroom.

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This child clearly doesn't have an emotional vocabulary or emotional IQ

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because if he did,

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he would not be reacting the way he

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is emotionally and behaviorally toward his parents.

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He would be verbally expressing his needs and his feelings.

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So we know that a child builds an emotional

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vocabulary as a universal outcome of the child-centered model.

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So that's one way that it would be addressed.

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He also needs to have his feelings reflected in the playroom and at home and

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he needs to have appropriate limits set when necessary in the playroom and at home

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because he has to practice a hearing and complying with limits and

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he has to hear emotions so that he can build that vocabulary.

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So that would be my next question for you, Tammy is.

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I wonder how much psycho education and training that you've given to parents here

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so that they are aware of the need for reflecting their child's feelings,

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sit in the pocket of the feeling with your child

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we don't try to make them think and feel it's going to be ok,

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they don't think or feel that.

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So when a child is well behaved and mature and liked

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in other settings

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and then is the complete opposite at home.

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That's exhausting

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because one is a show

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and one is

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a demonstration of the depth of the heart.

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So that leads me to my final thought, which is

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I suspect there's a huge lack of self esteem and lack of identity with this child.

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Because everything that you're describing here, Tammy implies

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that

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he believes if he is not perfect,

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he is not good

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when you don't have an identity. When you don't have self esteem,

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any perceived failure,

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any perceived misstep, any perceived negative outcome at all

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is that you have failed and that you are

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bad and that there's something wrong with you.

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And this is further

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suggested with the he has a lot of shame afterwards.

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Remember emotions will rise so far and so fast. Brain takes a break,

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emotions dictate everything brain comes back in

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and that's where shame and remorse and guilt come from.

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Because all of a sudden now the brain is going, you shouldn't have done that,

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you know better.

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Why did you hit her? Why did you cuss, why did you say those things?

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Why, what in the world were you thinking?

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Well, the reality is they weren't thinking at all.

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And then further,

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I am bad. I am a failure. There's something wrong with me.

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It becomes a negative self reflection

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rather than

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I made a mistake.

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So we also know one of the universal outcomes

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of child center play therapy is increased self esteem.

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So with those two universal outcomes being addressed, a

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building of self esteem and a building of emotional vocabulary,

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he will naturally be able to start processing things differently,

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responding differently, communicating differently,

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regulating differently.

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Remember a third universal outcome is increased regulation.

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So all of these are going to be swirling together, increased worldview

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when I yell and cuss and scream and hit my parents,

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that hurts them.

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There's a ramification on their end as well as mine,

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right? So four universal outcomes very much at play here.

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But keep in mind

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that if parents are not using CCPT skills at home,

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and they're not reflecting his feeling

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and they're not setting limits appropriately,

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it's going to take longer for him to be able to implement the acquisition of

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those skills at home because the child always

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fixes the easiest environments and situations first.

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And the ones that hang on are the ones that

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are the most deeply entrenched and the hardest to master.

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So we have an established pattern of behavior here that at home he's going

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to behave in these certain ways because he knows that he's unconditionally loved,

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the more they use CCPT skills and it mirrors what's happening in the playroom,

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the faster he will be able to acclimate to

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using the skills in that environment as well.

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So, Tammy, thanks so much for the email and I hope that that was helpful for all of you.

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If you would like me to answer a question,

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you can email me brenna@thekidcounselor.com.

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You can also, if you're in the States call the hotline, which is 813-812-5525.

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Leave me a message and I can hear your question

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over voicemail.

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And finally, if you want to ask me questions live,

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you can always join the collective at CCPT collective.com.

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All right, y'all, I'm really grateful for each and every one of you.

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Thanks for spending time with me each week.

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By the way, I hope y'all had a lovely father's day,

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either celebrating your father or the father to your children

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or just enjoying the day with friends and family.

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I hope that you were able to spend quality time with people that you love

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and my husband and son went to the driving range and golfed together.

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So they had a really good time. I just watched golf and I are not fast friends.

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So anyway,

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but it was good for us. So love you all. We'll talk again soon. Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with

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Dr brenna Hicks for more episodes and resources.

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Please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.