The Heavy Wait Diaries: Chapter 1

Hi, I'm Jonathan Goldstein, host of the hit podcast Heavyweight. 0:00:05.840 --> 0:00:09.200 Our fourth season will begin on September twenty sixth, But 0:00:09.320 --> 0:00:13.720 worry not, I've prepared a delicious amuse boush to amuse 0:00:13.760 --> 0:00:17.160 your boosh while you wait. Over the next eight weeks, 0:00:17.200 --> 0:00:21.360 I'll present the Heavyweight Diaries, short Peabody worthy pieces of 0:00:21.440 --> 0:00:25.840 hard hitting journalism, sprinkled, as all journalism is, with subtle, 0:00:26.040 --> 0:00:32.320 tastefully executed, barely noticeable instances of paid product placements. Set 0:00:32.360 --> 0:00:35.839 your Heavyweight timers for eight weeks and start polishing your 0:00:35.880 --> 0:00:56.360 silver plated Heavyweight dessert spoons because you're in for retreat. 0:01:02.280 --> 0:01:05.560 Alex wants to see you in the studio, Harper says. 0:01:06.480 --> 0:01:12.080 Alex is Gimblet Media CEO and founder Alex Bloomberg. Harper 0:01:12.560 --> 0:01:17.400 is his executive assistant, and the studio is the special 0:01:17.440 --> 0:01:21.959 one with the shag carpeting and the silent Grandfather clock that, 0:01:22.480 --> 0:01:25.920 rather than potentially interrupting a recording session with an ill 0:01:26.000 --> 0:01:29.880 timed dong emits at the stroke of each hour an 0:01:29.880 --> 0:01:34.720 expensive puff of Chanelle number five. Of course, I know 0:01:34.920 --> 0:01:38.120 why Bloomberg wants to see me. I've been working on 0:01:38.160 --> 0:01:41.520 the new season of Heavyweight for months now, without a 0:01:41.560 --> 0:01:58.559 single thing to show for it. Where did the time go? 0:01:59.280 --> 0:02:03.200 It's all panicky blur. In January there was the week 0:02:03.240 --> 0:02:05.840 long team building event at the Dude Ranch, where my 0:02:05.920 --> 0:02:10.160 producers and I learned to ride donkeys, learned to milk donkeys, 0:02:10.560 --> 0:02:13.840 and learn the importance of teamwork by doing trust falls 0:02:14.000 --> 0:02:18.120 off our donkeys. And most of March was spent preparing 0:02:18.240 --> 0:02:22.480 for my big news media profile. We want to understand 0:02:22.520 --> 0:02:25.840 your moves, the reporter told me, the way you embrace 0:02:26.000 --> 0:02:30.600 death with such calm resolve. I thought the interview would 0:02:30.639 --> 0:02:34.120 be Fog of warlike in its depth and Barbara Walters 0:02:34.320 --> 0:02:39.000 like in its national primetime audiencenss, but instead it ended 0:02:39.040 --> 0:02:41.960 up being a four minute appearance on a mixed martial 0:02:42.080 --> 0:02:55.360 arts podcast that thought Heavyweight was a boxing blog. And 0:02:55.440 --> 0:02:58.960 now the day of reckoning is upon me. Bloomberg wants 0:02:59.000 --> 0:03:02.400 to see me. Oh why today, of all days, had 0:03:02.440 --> 0:03:06.280 I chosen to wear socks with holes? Earlier in the day, 0:03:06.560 --> 0:03:10.680 putting them on made me feel capricious, But now that 0:03:10.880 --> 0:03:16.320 regretful choice is making my dogs sweat something awful. What 0:03:16.400 --> 0:03:19.280 if Bloomberg asks me to take off my shoes out 0:03:19.280 --> 0:03:23.440 of respect for the studio shag carpeting, or to illustrate 0:03:23.520 --> 0:03:27.440 some point about resilient adhocracy he'd picked up in management 0:03:27.480 --> 0:03:32.160 training shoes in a pile, he might say, this pile 0:03:32.400 --> 0:03:37.760 represents growth. I will nod my head, the shag tickling 0:03:37.840 --> 0:03:42.600 my bare, sweaty dogs through the holes. Please don't look down, Alex, 0:03:43.000 --> 0:03:45.840 I will think a thought that will only make my 0:03:46.000 --> 0:03:50.280 dogs sweat harder than an ice cold bottle of Miller 0:03:50.360 --> 0:03:56.880 High Life glistening in the desert sun. As Harper leads 0:03:56.920 --> 0:04:01.520 me to the studio, my persperant dogs continue to moisten out, 0:04:01.560 --> 0:04:06.520 pacing the already compromised wicking capacity of my oversaturated socks 0:04:06.760 --> 0:04:13.040 and rendering the already unpresentable hosiery even more unpresentable. Perhaps 0:04:13.080 --> 0:04:15.560 Harper would allow me to stop for a bathroom break 0:04:15.600 --> 0:04:19.119 along the way. Once safely in a locked toilet stall, 0:04:19.520 --> 0:04:21.680 I could peel off my socks and tape them to 0:04:21.760 --> 0:04:26.560 the underbelly of a toilet lid for retrieval after work. Oh, 0:04:26.600 --> 0:04:28.960 why today, of all days that I forget to pack 0:04:28.960 --> 0:04:32.640 Gaffer's tape in my fanny pack? Does my caprice know 0:04:32.760 --> 0:04:36.760 any limits? Maybe I could just squeeze the socks into 0:04:36.800 --> 0:04:40.279 my front pockets. But what if Bloomberg asks me to 0:04:40.360 --> 0:04:44.360 empty my front pockets contents of your front pockets in 0:04:44.440 --> 0:04:50.560 a pile, He might say, this pile represents growth. Upon 0:04:50.720 --> 0:04:54.720 seeing socks emerge from my pockets, Bloomberg might inquire as 0:04:54.720 --> 0:04:58.240 to why I keep socks in my pockets. I was 0:04:58.320 --> 0:05:02.280 planning on tennis after work, I might say, then, why 0:05:02.320 --> 0:05:05.360 aren't there pump palms on the ankles of your pocket socks? 0:05:05.400 --> 0:05:09.360 He might ask, Only a Neanderthal plays tennis without sock 0:05:09.480 --> 0:05:16.400 pump poms, Jonathan, are you a Neanderthal? Canadian tennis prohibits 0:05:16.400 --> 0:05:20.680 pomp pomery of any sort, I might say, such a 0:05:20.760 --> 0:05:25.239 proud people, He might say, time to see just how proud. 0:05:25.680 --> 0:05:28.320 Let's strip down to our jockeys and play some tennis 0:05:28.400 --> 0:05:32.440 right now. I'll whip you, but good. The thought of 0:05:32.480 --> 0:05:36.160 Bloomberg whipping me but good in my under dainties, what 0:05:36.240 --> 0:05:41.440 with the dearth of elasticity dangerously compromising my pantywaiste, was 0:05:41.560 --> 0:05:56.600 enough to get my dogs drooling, And so I decide 0:05:56.600 --> 0:06:00.760 to do the mature thing. Harper, I asked, will I 0:06:00.839 --> 0:06:03.599 be required to take my shoes off during the course 0:06:03.640 --> 0:06:08.479 of this business? Meeting. When Harper fails to respond or 0:06:08.520 --> 0:06:12.640 even acknowledge my having spoken words out loud, I realized 0:06:12.680 --> 0:06:17.120 that posing my question was a bad idea. After a 0:06:17.160 --> 0:06:20.120 few minutes, I ask if you would mind not repeating 0:06:20.160 --> 0:06:23.320 this conversation to Bloomberg. But I'm not even sure if 0:06:23.320 --> 0:06:27.440 what we just had was a conversation. He asked me 0:06:27.480 --> 0:06:30.839 not to say something Harper might now say to Bloomberg, 0:06:31.200 --> 0:06:35.560 But I am saying something. What are you saying, Bloomberg 0:06:35.640 --> 0:06:40.960 might say, ask him. Harper might say, gesturing in my direction, 0:06:41.920 --> 0:06:46.719 what aren't you saying? Bloomberg might say, Oh, I'd say 0:06:47.120 --> 0:06:49.960 I just asked if Harper might not say anything about 0:06:49.960 --> 0:06:54.000 the surprise birthday party I'm planning for you. My birthday 0:06:54.040 --> 0:06:57.720 isn't for another ten months. Bloomberg might say, what I'd 0:06:57.800 --> 0:07:01.279 like most is a surprise tennis for birthday party. But 0:07:01.400 --> 0:07:05.359 instead of tennis rackets, we could use spanking paddles, the 0:07:05.480 --> 0:07:10.880 kind traditionally used on liars. And instead of boring old champagne, 0:07:10.880 --> 0:07:14.400 I might say, we could drink the champagne of Beers 0:07:14.960 --> 0:07:22.240 Miller High Life. By the time we reach the studio, 0:07:22.640 --> 0:07:26.400 my knees are rubbery and my sweat drenched socks are 0:07:26.400 --> 0:07:31.480 making squishing sounds in my shoes. I walk into the studio, and, 0:07:31.520 --> 0:07:35.640 to my tremendous relief, see that I'm alone. Bloomberg isn't 0:07:35.680 --> 0:07:39.160 here yet, so it's just me and my socks. I 0:07:39.240 --> 0:07:42.320 quickly take off my shoes with the idea of stashing 0:07:42.360 --> 0:07:45.720 my socks down my pants and wearing just my now 0:07:45.760 --> 0:07:49.360 wet shoes, a plan that should work as long as 0:07:49.400 --> 0:07:53.240 the subject of tennis does not arise, which it shouldn't, 0:07:53.360 --> 0:07:56.240 as my socks will no longer be in my front pockets, 0:07:56.600 --> 0:07:59.400 but will rather be secured safely down the front of 0:07:59.440 --> 0:08:02.960 my pants, where they cannot be seen nor commented upon 0:08:03.360 --> 0:08:08.640 by the eagle eyed journalist turned oligarch. Fingers trembling, I 0:08:08.720 --> 0:08:12.040 remove my right sock and stash it with my left 0:08:12.120 --> 0:08:15.120 sock and mid peel. I pause for a moment to 0:08:15.200 --> 0:08:20.840 savor my victory. For once, Jonathan Goldstein will escape humiliation. 0:08:21.680 --> 0:08:24.880 The sodden sock clears my last little toe with a 0:08:24.920 --> 0:08:29.160 flourish sending a gentle arc of dog sweat across the 0:08:29.200 --> 0:08:34.640 studio at the exact moment that Alex Bloomberg walks in 0:08:34.720 --> 0:08:51.840 the door. This has been chapter one of the Heavyweight Diaries. 0:08:52.320 --> 0:08:54.720 With any luck, the new season of Heavyweight will begin 0:08:54.840 --> 0:08:57.640 on September twenty sixth, and you can chart our progress 0:08:57.679 --> 0:09:01.360 each week with a new Diary update. And remember the 0:09:01.400 --> 0:09:04.720 best place to listen to Heavyweight is on Spotify. The 0:09:04.760 --> 0:09:06.760 second best place to listen to Heavyweight is in a 0:09:06.760 --> 0:09:10.880 Beautiful Villa in the Italian Alps. Heavyweight is me Jonathan 0:09:10.920 --> 0:09:14.640 Goldstein along with Jorge just Stevie Lane, Khalila Holt and 0:09:14.720 --> 0:09:17.960 b A. Parker. This episode was mixed by Emma Munger, 0:09:18.320 --> 0:09:22.240 music by Bobby Lord. Our ad music is Vivaldi's Spring 0:09:22.520 --> 0:09:26.720 performed by the Wichita State University Chamber Players. We'll have 0:09:26.760 --> 0:09:29.800 a new chapter of the Heavyweight Diaries next week.