366. I moved to London

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Speaker 1: Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here. Back for another episode as we, of course break down the Psychology of our twenties. Today, guys, I have some big news. I moved to London. Might not be big news for some of you who follow me on Instagram, but it's true. I've made the leap across the pond. The Psychology of Your Twenties is a ficial a UK based podcast. It's been very exciting and I want to talk about my decision to move overseas in my twenties, what's been going on, what we've learnt, some of the failing, some of the harder parts, the cultural adjustments, and yeah, just some advice that I would give for people who want to do the same, and how I'm going to plan to meet friends and all that kind of stuff. Like there's just a lot to talk about. To begin with, I move with my boyfriend, with my lovely, amazing boyfriend, and I'm going to tell you the story of how we decided on London and kind of when we decided and how we decided to move. So taking it all the way back to when I first met him. When I first met Tom, I feel like you guys know the story, but it was very unexpected. I was in Bali, I was on hinge, and I matched with this guy then ended up ghosting in for a little bit. That guy, I've now been with him for like almost three years and he's incredible. At the time that I met him though, I had just quit my full time job and I was like, I'm a single girl in her twenties. I want to move to London. And for those who are in the UK or in Australia, you'll know it's like a big trend. There's like a whole joke that you turn twenty five in Australia and you move to London. Like it's a very classic, like my migratory pattern, like a lot of people do it. I genuinely think that at this point I have more friends in like Australian friends in London than I did in Sydney because of just like you know how how classic it is. And I was like, you know what, London sounds great. I like knew a lot of people here, and I was going to move at the end of the year, and then I met this amazing person. And I feel like when I met Tom, I was in such a great centered headspace of like a man does not come first, and if this guy, who I obviously am really into like isn't doesn't have the same dreams as me, that's okay, but like I'm not gonna pretend it's going to work. So very quickly I said to him, I want to let you know, like I really plan on living overseas wherever that may be, Like my heart's really set on like either London or like Seattle or I think I also really wanted to move to Copenhagen. And I was like, my heart's really set on that, So you know it is a deal breaker if that's not in your life plans, can you let me know? He like took some time away and was like, I've decided that I would really want to do that with you if things go well. Obviously we've literally have been dating for six months. Now that I think about it, it's just a little bit wild that. I was like, so when am we gonna move overseas And he's like, I don't even I don't even know your blood type, I don't know your parents, like you know, but I would recommend it. We got very clear on it. He is a lawyer. I don't know if I've told said that before, but he's a lawyer. And in Australia, you become a lawyer and then you have to do two years of like professional practicing, So technically is a lawyer, but you've got to get this thing called PAE. You've got a practice and then you can become a like a I'm gonna butcher it, but like a licensed lawyer, like you can practice without supervision. It's kind of the same with like doing residency as a doctor. And he said to me, you know I have to do this though, So here's the kicker. If you want to move, you're gonna have to give me two years because he literally just become a lawyer, so you don't have to give me two years. And I, yeah, you know, now that story has a good end, But I at the time, like everybody was like why are you doing that? Like why are you gonna put your life on hold, put a dream that you have on hold for two years for this guy that you've only known for six months, and like, hope it's gonna work out. And he says he wants to come with you, but what if he doesn't? I you I could trust him the two years just like flew by. At the start of this year, we sat down and we were like, are we going to do this? Like is this something that we're going to do? You know, that was a goal I set and you really he also was really keen on like a little while ago now, like time like a year in your twenties is like five years, Like so much can change during that time, Like is this still something that we want to do? And you know, he said, I'm so freco lutely let's do it. So we set a date. We were like, dessemble works really really well because obviously that's when he passes, like finished this as pae and we booked our flights and it all happened very very quickly. This is the ironic thing. This is the weird thing to have a plan, Like we should have planned more, right, We knew this was going to happen for two years, and I genuinely think we only made the plans for it to happen in the last two months. Like I know that we booked our flights in October mainly because life is just very busy and chaotic. And it's not that we weren't committed to going, but I think we were just like, when is going to be the right time do we do before Christmas? After Christmas? And it just kind of ended up working that, Yeah, we've moved right before the holidays, and it's beautiful and it's Christmasy. So far it has been incredible. Here have been the biggest adjustments. Firstly is the weather. I at the weather and the sunlight, and I know that's like so cliche and so many people talk about it. When I'm in Australia, I spend I would say a good three to four hours outdoor outdoors a day. I'm walking my dog, I go for walks, I work in my backyard. I really like the sunshine and it really doesn't get that cold. Some people complain about it, but it's like it's really not that bad. The sun setting at like four pm has smashed me and also made it very hard to fight jet lag because as soon as it hits four pm, I want to have like a little mold wine and I want to go to bed, and what baby wants baby gets. So I've been letting my self through that. I've been like holding out till like seven thirty eight, but definitely, like I'm the jet like is making it harder, and I just feel like the difficulty of being indoors a lot more and not getting as much sunshine has been difficult. Also coming at Christmas time. I like the week we got here, I went and had dinner with like two of my best friends, Stephan Joe who moved like three months before we did. And Steph we were like having dinner and she was like, have you been shoved yet? And I was like no, what the heck? And She's like I was like, no, I haven't been shoved. Nobody shoves, Nobody's gonna shove me. Like I'm pretty tall, I'm like got broad shoulders, Like no one's gonna shove me. And she was like, one of these days, you're gonna get shoved, You're gonna get pushed, and then you're gonna come to me and say this today was the day that I was shoved. I'm officially I can say I'm living in London, and then it literally happened the next day, getting on the tube, getting on the bus. I feel like there's so much bodily contact with strangers that like I don't have in Australia, and a lot less like cheerio and high and chatting. Maybe just because it's winter. That's been a little bit of an adjustment also, you know, just to take a turn, Like you know, there was a like a terrorist attack in Australia went like a lesson five days after we got here. It was like this anti Semitic terrorist attack in a place that like we called home and that we visited and that we knew. I my to my best friends used to live across the road from where the festival, the Harnker Festival was being held, and I remember, like this is wild, but two years ago when it was being held, I was pet sitting their dog and watching the festival and to think that like, yeah, oh my god, I need to not get emotional about it because it's very sad. But you know, in Australia, like this stuff doesn't happened and I know everybody says that, but it really doesn't. And it's so shocking and it's been hard. I'm excited about living in London, but it has been hard feeling like you want to mourn and grieve and be around friends and family, but they're thousands of miles away and you don't live in that city anymore, and everyone around you in this new city that you live in is carrying on as usual and it just doesn't feel like it's just a weird transplant moment where you're like, I just want to talk to somebody about this, and yeah, everybody's just kind of going on about that day. Like when Australia is asleep, we're awake and so you know, you go to bed and then all this news comes in and you wake up and you have nobody to really process it with. And there's a lot of Australians in London and in the UK, and it's been this weird experience where I was in Sainsbury's the other day and I like heard somebody with an Australian accent and it was weird. I like wanted to Oh my god, I don't want to cry, but like I wanted to go over and say hi and just be like it was it this weird gravitational pool of like this terrible thing has happened, and like it was a weird. I'm not going to go up to a stranger and be like, hey, can you help me process like I don't know, like my my weird disenfranchised grief and maybe you also guilt for not being able to support the victims and in my friends and family. So yeah, wow, that took a turn. It took a turn, but it's it's just been a weird experience being like just wanting to do something for your community and these people and they have lost their lives and these victims and having to just kind of watch from a thousand miles away and hope that like the love that you're sending from Afar is being received and that I don't know, it's just so awful. It's just so awful. But some of the other like how do you change, how do how do we theme change from here? Let's talk about maybe apartment hunting. There we go. Ow, it's funny because like, as this has been happening, like also like we don't really have a place to live, and it was really stressing me out, like when we got here and then this has happened, it just feels like it doesn't really matter as much. Like it's been very bizarre where I'm like, oh, you know, the first few days we were here, we got like some bad news that like our sublet had fallen through and these like some amazing couple had like offered to let us sublet their home for three months because they were going to the US, and then her visa got denied. So we literally found out like on the plane that like, oh, we don't have anywhere to live come January. So it's been like this very rapid series of events and things that are going on. Apartment hunting in London is not for the week. I will just say that the amount of price gouging that has had like people who were like, well, we will offer, and then they'll say, well, somebody else has just offered more and we've accepted their offer. But if you want to offer nine hundred quid, like we could totally go for that. And then we're like, oh yeah, okay, we can offer that. They go oh bound luck like somebody else has come back with the other offering, Like what is going on in this location? And then just like getting references in and how quickly things move. Uh, fingers crossed. By the time you're listening to this episode, we will have an apartment because we put in an offer, it got accepted, we put in our references. That literally happened within twenty four hours. Like we we reached out and like we want to see the place, and then we saw it, and then we put an offer and it was accepted, and then they did our references. We haven't heard anything since, so I'm like, fingers crossed, it's gonna be okay. But that has just been like a whole like experience of just of stress, Like moving countries is deeply, deeply stressful. And I think I was a little bit naive and thinking, like it's not going to be that bad because I work for myself and like I don't have to job hunt. I thought that because I don't have to look for a job, this is going to be really easy. No, it's just a major adjustment and it's definitely like given me a bit of a flare up in yeah, some obsessive thinking, some anxious thinking, and I like before we left, I was like, why am I so stressed? Why am I so emotional, and Tom and my friends were like, because you're moving countries and I was like, yeah, but we're not there yet, so it's like it shouldn't be this overwhelming, and yeah, I think I definitely underestimated. Yeah, how overwhelming it's going to be. How weird it is to say goodbye to everybody but still feel like you know you saw them a week ago, which is like kind of normal you sometimes don't see your friends for a week, but knowing like you're not going to see them the next few weeks and having that bit of loneliness as well. I've only been here for I don't know how long has it been, like genuinely a week, and I've already felt this pressure like how come I do not have any new friends here? It's like, have you've been here for a week? And like, how can we Our apartment that we don't even have the keys to isn't fully furnished yet, and how come we don't have our UK bank accounts open? And I don't know if this has been your experience if you've moved countries in your twenties, but it feels like you get here and you expect your life to be pre built, and you forget that like the city you were in before and maybe the one before that, you had to build that from nothing and you had to build that up. That's not just going to be transplanted to wherever you are. So I'm excited about that process. I'm also very nervous about it, and I want to talk about my approach, my game plan. I'm a very efficient person and I like to have like my steps and plays for like how I'm going to achieve something, how I'm going to achieve friendship. So I'm gonna talk about that after this short break. Stay with us, okay, so we'll here we're in London. Couple questions that people had for me about the move. The first is what is happening to Tayloo my dog? So, in case you don't know, I adopted a dog this last year this year and she's a line of my life and she is wonderful. It is quite difficult to get pets into the UK, but also to get pets back into Australia. This kind of feeds into another question, which is how long do you plan to stay? And the thing is is that we don't know. So our decision process was there is no point putting her through the process of moving if in six months even a year where like, we actually don't like it here and we want to move back. So what we're going to do is give ourselves six months to make a decision on how long do we want to stay, and if it's less than a year, we won't move her over, and if it's more then we will. Trust me, she is fine, having the time of her life. She's staying with my parents and my sisters. They really wanted another dog, really want another dog, but my childhood dog is quite elderly and he's still alive, and they didn't want to get a puppy or they didn't want to get, you know, a new untrained dog when our childhood dog was still alive and like, you know, you don't want his replacement to be sitting right there. It's kind of like a weird cruel thing. But they did really want like another dog in the house, especially as he's getting older, and it just kind of worked out perfectly. Also, because my parents are going to be empty nesters in the next couple of years, they didn't want to get a new dog and then be like, now we don't have any kids, at home to play with this dog. And you know, my sisters really want a dog, but like you know, they're going to be out of home and they're not going to take care of it and they're not going to be around. So actually it's worked out really really well, and her and my childhood dog get along very well. It's very cute. My sister also has this cat that she found, uh, who's very cute actually, and they're like giving along. And my other sister has a rabbit. My three sisters, I have a dog, my sister has a rabbit, my other sister has a cat. They all look exactly the same. They are all a very specific kind of black and white animal. And like we always joke that that's like out yeah, like the reflection of our soul is in the pets that we chose, but the fact they all look the same is quite funny. Like we have the same pet in different fonts. So Tyler was fine, Tyler was very happy. Kind of hurt my feelings a little bit when I don't actually think she knows that I'm gone. I'm sure she does, but like my sisters are sending me photos, I'm like, this dog is having a great time. Not that I wanted her to feel sad, but I was like, oh great, she she's already forgotten about me, which is both a good, happy and kind of like a bittersweet thing. Second question, how long we gonna stay? Sorry to properly address that, the like, ultimately, my visa is for three years, and then we can apply for permanent see if we love it. That's probably getting a little bit ahead of myself. I'm just going to see how the first six months goes, and if we love it, if we're enjoying it, if we're making progress towards loving it, we will stay. We will bring over our beautiful dog, and hopefully be happy with that decision. But I also am like trying not to be afraid of saying I'm wrong and going back on decisions because they're not right. I had this big thing before I left, of like what if I moved to London and I don't like it and you know people, and then I have to tell people I don't like it and I have to move home and I'm a failure, And like, I'm not having any of that anymore. I'm just cutting off that thought from my brain. If it's not right, I'm not gonna linger. I'm not going to try and convince myself it's right. I'm going to give it the best I've got and then just trust that things are going to fall into place. And if it's not and the feeling isn't there, we move on to the next thing. We move home, we move somewhere else. How am I going to make friends? This is not the first time I've moved to a new city that I do not know. I moved to Canberra for university. I moved to Sydney after university. Now I live in London. I know that it's going to take three months to feel good about the decision, six months to feel like I have some friends and I have some community, and part of that is just time. I often give this advice to people who are like, I've moved to a new city, What do I do? You've got to abide by the six month rule. The first three months are going to be really hard. The first six months are going to be difficult. But it's almost a science that, like when you hit the six month mark, something will change for you, especially if this is where you're meant to be, especially if you're putting in the time and putting in the effort to making relationships, to making community. Six months is it, And so I genuinely feel like I'm strapping myself in for this, Like marathon, I'm strapping myself in for the next six months, and I'm just like, let's go, let's work really hard at making this feel like home. The biggest things I'm going to be doing is I'm joining a book club, I'm volunteering, I'm joining a boxing group, and I'm joining a run club. Ready made groups, Communities like that that I can fit into and hopefully offer some services to or offer like and really just like be a part of have always been my go to. When I moved to Sydney, I joined a life drawing class, I joined a climbing gym. I then like later on, I joined a pottery studio. Kind of fallen out of love with those hobbies, but I'm like, great, it's time for the next round. And I made some wonderful, amazing friends that way. The other thing I'm committing to doing is same grocery stores, same coffee shops, same gym, same route to work, I same restaurants, Like I want to meet the people in my neighborhood, That is genuinely how I made three of my best friends when I moved to Sydney. I met them through consistently interacting with my environment and with like literally like the institutions of my community in a really consistent way. Because I was like, if I have this routine and somebody else has this routine and it's similar, A, We're going to see each other a lot. B We're probably going to be quite similar people. So that is something I always give people advice to do, is like, yes, explore your new city, but like say hi to people in your local spaces and show up to things at the same time across your week. You will meet like minded people. The other thing I've asked my friends back in Australia and my friends already living here to do is to platonically set me up with people. I'm committed to the mutual friend route. If my friend like somebody, I would say ninety nine percent of the time, I'm gonna like them as well. One of my soul sisters, Gracie, this is how we met. I'm using like try like things that I previously have evidence for. I was in Sydney, I was really lonely, and I remember calling my dad up and being like, I just really want a friend, and he was like, ask your friends if they know anybody asked to be set up, and we went on like a blind friendship date together and it was like love at first sight. So I've already got a few of those things planned, and I'm also gonna do some community events with the Psychology of your twenties, because I don't know if you guys know this, London is the biggest city of listeners. I've already met some of you here. I think I've already met like five or six of you. Shout out to the girls at UCL who I ran into when i'd had a few wines the other night coming home in Camden, thank you for saying I and I just feel like you guys are so cool and I'm totally down for like being friends with listeners, particularly because I feel like you guys and me would have so much in common and I think you guys are really cool and every time I meet you, I want to be your friends anyways, So I'm going to lean in heavily to that, and I'm also going to join a co working space. I think something that has made the last few months in Sydney. Particularly hard for me was because I knew I was leaving. I just like spent a lot of time at home and I I wasn't going to my co working space, I wasn't finding a new coworking space. I wasn't really putting anything new in place to make community and to get out of my house because I was like, there's not really a point. I'm gonna be gone soon. And the thing is is that it's like a terrible attitude to have, and it meant that I just spent a lot of time in my little second bedroom office dungeon and then was wondering why I felt so terrible. I'm not doing that again this time. I have booked my membership, I've booked my coworking space. I'm gonna be the most jolly person at that we work and I'm gonna make everybody be friends with me. And I'm gonna get out of my house and I'm gonna be productive outside of my home. Another question somebody asked, is any advice I want to make a similar move from Australia to the UK. Okay, biggest piece of advice is the visa is gonna cost you a lot more than you think, specifically because you have to pay the healthcare levee. So just take that into account and make sure that you were prepared for that. Don't buy the service. This is so oddly specific. Do not buy the service that says they will scan your documents for you, because it is a lie. Sorry, I'm so angry about this, but when I got my visa, they had like this optional service. It was like fifty dollars and they'd scan your documents and I did it, and guess what, they don't scan them. You have to scan them yourself. You have to send them to them and then they'll send them through for you. So don't listen to their lives. They don't actually scan them. Sorry, don't do that. Have at least I would say two months to three months of savings, maybe even more. It's kind of similar to when you quit your job, right because I'm assuming most of you will have to quit your job to move here. But even if you don't like it's an expensive place to live, I've already noticed that. Something I took for granted is that we have GST included in Australia. They do not, so you'll pay for your food and then it'll be like, wait, what the heck twenty percent more on top of the bill because we don't have that right, Like, even if we do, it's quite minimal. It's an expensive city. Rent is really expensive. Save as much as you can also, so that when you get here you can kind of enjoy yourself and you don't feel like you're scrambling, you don't feel like you're very stressed. That's something that we've had in the first few days, not with jobs, but with housing and other things that are going on. That just meant that it's beautiful time in London's Christmas markets, and it's been kind of hard to enjoy it because it's been like we have to go home and do all these things. So if you can make money less of a stressor, I would say do it. Also, don't bring all of your bags on the plane we took. We've done two like big suitcases and one let little mini carry on suitcase and like a backpack each. We had friends like ship their stuff over on a boat. It cost a lot of money to get an extra suitcase, especially since mine was overweight it was like forty kilos. But when they shipped it on the boat, and then they went and picked it up. I think it was like so much cheaper. So that's an option. Don't bother bringing furniture, Bring as little as possible. Clear out your wardrobe. I brought too many clothes I've gotten here. I'm not wearing them now. I have to get rid of them when I'm already here and I paid to bring them over. Just really take like this minimal approach, Like one of my neighbors said to me before we left, like, oh, this is like one of the rare opportunities you have to travel quite light through life, like your your soul is kind of not as burdened by physical possessions. You can go anywhere, be anything, choose anything. And that felt really nice to me. So I'm really trying to embrace that and live quite minimally in this moment. And I would recommend doing that as well also just because it saves you money and frustration. But those would be my biggest tips, I think in maybe three months. I think at the six month mark, actually I'm going to do another episode if you guys want it, of course, Like I'm going to do another episode about my thoughts right now. Yes, a lot of has happened in the first week that we've been here. I'm still incredibly optimistic about it. And maybe I'm like applying my like Sydney learnings to London when it is a different city and might be a bit harder to get my foot in the door in terms of routines and the community and friendship. But I am really committed trying and for not making the same mistakes that I've made previously when I've moved to new cities, which is only relying on the friends I already have there and being kind of isolated. So I'm going to give you guys an update in six months, maybe like the next thing you'll hear about this, like I'm back in Australia and we just won't address it ever again. But I have a good feeling about it, just like I have a good feeling about twenty twenty six. So yeah, let's see what happens. I'm really excited. I want to also thank you guys for, like you know, obviously listening to the podcast and allowing me to move here, and yeah, you made this happen for me, so I feel like it's my win. It's also a win for all of us and I really appreciate all the listens from this year and all the support. I'm in a really grateful, sappy mood. I'm just very emotional at the moment, so yeah, I'm just projecting and just being like, I love you guys also much. But it's true and I'm very grateful. Especially with my book this year and with the tour and mixup, I to do a lot more stuff in Europe. So if you're an European listener, if you're a London listener, hopefully I'll get to meet you this year. Next year, hopefully I'll see you around. That sounds strange to say, but hopefully we get to be friends. That's something I'm really looking forward to. If you enjoyed this episode, maybe leave leave a little British emoji in the comments down below, especially if you've made it this far, if you are have moved cities, move countries in your twenties, or if you are a London listener, give me some tips. What should I know? What's something that you wish you knew when you moved here or moved anywhere. Also follow us on Instagram at that Psychology Podcast or at gemmaspeg if you want to see some more personal updates with my with my transition to London life, and until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. We will talk very very soon.