144 | Filial Therapy: Understanding Goals for Parents, Children, and Therapists

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.

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Your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode, we are continuing on our filial

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discussion

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and we're going to talk through

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the goals

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of the filial approach. And obviously, as I mentioned before,

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my frame of reference for filial is the child parent relationship training.

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So that is Landreth and Bratton's model

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and the 10 week curriculum is the only filial approach that I've ever used.

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So I just wanna make that clear,

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but I think that universally

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filial has specific outcomes and, and goals that are intended.

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So I wanna kind of work through those and,

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and help you understand what that might look like,

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especially if you're going to start

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offering filial

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therapy specifically. CPRT I would hope

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you would want to be able to communicate to parents what the goals are

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and unpack for them, what to expect and

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from all different avenues, what the outcomes would look like.

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So we're gonna start with parents

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because obviously there's going to be goals for the parents,

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there's going to be goals for the children

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and then there's going to be goals for yourself.

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And if we unpack each of those three components,

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I think you'll have a pretty good handle on how CPRT

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would be beneficial to add to your suite of services

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in your practice.

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All right. So, oh, related aside,

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it is Tuesday

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the last week of March and this coming Friday the

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29th is a filial training on CPRT specifically.

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So there are still some seats available.

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If you are interested in getting ce us for that,

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please go to www.childcenteredtraining.com

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and you can get signed up for that. All right.

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So for those of you that are just going to listen to the podcast, let me dive into this

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when you're talking to parents and presenting CPRT as an

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option for them and helping them understand the value of the filial

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therapy model.

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You need to communicate to them

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what they're going to gain from

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the process

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and just big picture

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they are going to gain tools.

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That's in its simplest form,

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which I'll give you some more details and specificity in a minute.

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But

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when you're talking about the tools that they will gain,

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every parent

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needs to feel equipped, they need to feel knowledgeable,

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they need to have skills and approaches that they know are effective.

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So the filial model provides that because CPRT's

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curriculum

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teaches parents to use the same

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child-centered principles with their children that we

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use with kids in the playroom.

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So they are learning the exact same content of our skill set.

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And the intention is that the parent becomes the person

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that provides those interactions and those skills to the child.

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So the tools are invaluable as something that the parents will have.

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And that is a huge goal to make sure that they feel equipped and

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ready to handle any scenario with their

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kids because they've been given the skills and

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the principles that they need.

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So obviously, they're going to acquire knowledge,

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the goal would be that they

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learn and they understand and they are able to practically apply

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the knowledge that they've gained

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another really important goal,

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which it may not be important to parents at the beginning because

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it's hard to get them to understand the value of it until they've

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acquired it.

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And then they absolutely see the value of it,

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but a change in the way that they interact with their children.

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And again, that's a little bit of a hard sell at the beginning

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because they don't know that they need that.

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They don't really know that they want that they don't see the value in it.

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But I promise you once it happens,

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they are very aware of the impact that the

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change in their interaction had on their relationship.

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So they learn different ways to interact,

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they learn different ways to communicate.

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And the entire

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process of their connection and dialogue and back and forth with their kids

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is transformed when they begin to use the tools and learn the principles.

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So the interaction shift is a very, very important goal.

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And that is something that every parent will experience because they can't help but

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witness the change

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that takes place when they begin to interact and talk and communicate differently.

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And then

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a final goal for parents is they learn to focus on the relationship.

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So one of the rules of thumb in CPRT is "focus on the donut, not the hole" And that

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is straight from the beginning week one.

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And the premise there is if you focus on

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what's wrong, if you focus on what's missing,

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if you focus on what you wish were different,

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if you have any focus other than

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the relationship that's already there,

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you lose sight of the child

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and when parents are able to shift their focus

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to the relationship that they have with their child,

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it

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changes the dynamic, it changes the love, it changes the acceptance,

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it changes the tone.

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Everything is different

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when the parent really focuses and grasps the concept

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of focusing on the relationship.

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And far too often

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parents

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just want things fixed, they just want things better.

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They're frustrated with the state of things,

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they don't want to be in the position that they are.

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And so there's this bent toward

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I'm unhappy

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or

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I want to become happy.

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But in either scenario,

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you lose sight of the child because you've lost sight of the relationship.

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And the CPRT process actually

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conditions them and helps them understand

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why focusing on the relationship makes such an impact.

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So those are the goals for parents

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and then concurrently with what the parents are gaining,

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the children also are gaining things and have a sense of goals that

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are achieved through this process. So number one, first and foremost,

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they learn to self

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regulate.

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So that's very, very important

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when you have a family dynamic where

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mom and dad are really frustrated or intolerant or they want things to get better.

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Well, it should make them feel very encouraged that you can share with them

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that one of the goals that kids will achieve is self regulation.

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And of course,

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we know that because that's one of the four universal outcomes of play therapy,

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right?

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So

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that's not a surprise to us,

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but it is often sometimes something that a parent does not

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feel prepared to receive.

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They don't know that if they do this parent program,

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that their child will regulate better and self control.

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So that's a very important goal for a child.

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Another component is children behave in more self enhancing ways.

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So let's tie this to what we have for goals

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for parents versus what we have for goals for kids.

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As parents focus on the relationship

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and as parents change the way that they interact.

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And as parents have new and more effective tools

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in their parenting tool belt,

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it allows the child to feel more loved,

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to feel more accepted,

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to communicate differently, to feel more heard and understood.

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And through all of those changes,

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the child starts to behave in more self enhancing ways.

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So you can see how one affects the other.

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And interestingly enough as a child starts to behave in more self enhancing ways.

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And as a child learns to self control and self regulate more effectively,

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that also changes the relationship and the interaction

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and everything from the parent side.

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So it is very much

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a symbiosis if you will, where one is impacting the other

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and the dynamic is so powerful that as one changes,

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it causes change in the other and vice versa.

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So

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very very important to recognize that

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the goals are for individuals participating,

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right?

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So there's goals for you as the therapist, there's goals for the child,

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there's goals for the parent, however,

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they're not seen in isolation

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and they can't be seen

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separate from the other because as I just explained,

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the changes are mutually beneficial and they create more change.

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And then a final goal for the child is they feel

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validated and heard and understood.

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You really can't

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put

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a measure of significance

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on a child who has a sense

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that someone in the world gets it.

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And especially when it's a parent

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that

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is even more significant because

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kids can function and, and make do with anybody in their life that serves as that,

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hey, I get you

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and I unconditionally love and accept you.

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But

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if a parent can fill that role,

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there's a sweetness and a depth to that,

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that really can't be replaced by someone else.

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So

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as the child realizes, hey, mom really

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gets it, mom gets me or dad really understands.

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Dad always tries to see things from my perspective.

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Those are powerful declarations that the child is able to make.

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And therefore, again,

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it allows the child to self control and self

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regulate and behave in more self enhancing ways.

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So everything begets the next I I liken it to a

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snowball that starts rolling down a mountain,

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it just gets bigger and faster as it goes,

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you really can't stop the momentum once it starts.

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So we have parent goals, we have child goals. And then what about therapist goals?

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Well, number one, you serve as a liaison.

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So essentially,

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you know how to communicate on a parents' level

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in a way that a parent will understand.

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You also know children, you know, development, you know age appropriateness,

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you know, the way that a child's brain works,

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the way that they live in their emotions,

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you know, all of those things.

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So you can help a parent see a perspective on their child.

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You can help

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train a parent to communicate more effectively with their child.

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And essentially you

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basically speak on behalf of the child to the parent

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because often the parent really doesn't understand

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things from a child's point of view.

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So not only are you giving them tools and skills and knowledge?

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Not only are you helping them understand how it will impact their child?

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But sometimes you have to

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communicate on behalf of what's going on for the child.

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So

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parents get really upset because child through a tantrum,

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it's your job and your role as the facilitator

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to help them see what was going on.

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What was the catalyst, what was the route, what was at the heart of the issue?

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And then you turn them back to the skills that they've

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acquired and you help them work out how to handle it.

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So essentially,

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I guess an easy way to sum that up is you have to be able to speak parent and child.

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So

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you have to communicate effectively with parents.

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You have to help parents understand what their children can't communicate to them

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and you kind of go as the or you serve as the go between if you will so that

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they both get a better understanding of each other

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and

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you are going to facilitate their connection

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and it's all about the relationship, right? So

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as you watch play sessions,

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as you talk about scenarios,

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as you role play

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specific frustrations that they have,

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as you're training the parent with the skill,

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all of those interactions

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lead to your facilitation of connection for them.

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So you point out little subtle improvement,

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you point out really tender endearing moments where they

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look at each other and they smile or the

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parent effectively reflects a feeling or the parent provides

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a choice that's really appropriate in a moment.

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Or they talk you through how in the past it

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would have turned into a 45 minute screaming fest.

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And

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they were a thermostat,

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not a thermometer and they use their new skills

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and the child was able to comply with the limit

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and you celebrate that with them because you're facilitating connection,

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you want them again, they're focusing on the relationship, right?

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But you want them to feel the power of the connection

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that they're building and that they're forming

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with their child.

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And you serve as the facilitator there.

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You are helping

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to bridge the gap between the parent and the child

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so that those connections and those relationships can develop in the way that

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they should and in ways that are best for the family dynamic.

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So I hope that you find that helpful

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and just to kind of give you a couple of takeaways

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as we wrap up

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you

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above all. I mean, yes, there's goals, right? So we've just dove into those three.

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But

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CPRT provides a system and a framework

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that serves as a foundation for parenting

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and you are teaching the system and the framework

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so that they have a foundation

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when parents don't have a foundation when parents don't have a framework,

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they are fly by the seat of their pants. Anything goes.

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Let me just try this random thing and see what happens.

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And it's a hodgepodge parenting approach and it's ineffective

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and it frustrates everybody.

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So CPRT is

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a framework. It's a system, it serves as the grounding and the foundation

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so that parents have something upon which they can fall back on.

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Now,

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you have to keep in mind that they're not always going to get it right.

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But the goal is they at least know,

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OK,

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these are the principles that I need to be aware of.

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These are the things I need to consider. These are the pillars that I need to be using.

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These are the approaches that are the most effective

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because then they are prepared

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and they feel confident that's huge.

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And secondly,

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they gain

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a

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better

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and more thorough and deeper

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awareness and philosophical understanding of kids.

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Let me make sense of that really quickly.

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Parents don't see kids as little beings often.

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They don't see them as

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feeling

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beings. They don't see them as emotional beings. They don't

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understand that

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their feelings matter, they don't understand that

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they

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are

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just little versions of us.

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And while they don't possess the cognitive and the

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logical and the intellectual capacities that we do,

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they have all of the emotions that we do

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and when parents

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just discard them or get frustrated with them or see them as a problem behavior or,

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you know, have very little tolerance for whatever is going on.

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It not only fractures the relationship,

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but

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they don't really understand their kids.

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So CPRT and its tenets and its principal and everything that you teach,

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it actually gives them a deeper and better understanding philosophically

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of their children

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and that allows them to focus on the relationship and

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it allows them to change the way that they interact.

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It allows them to use their new tools.

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So

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those are the two big

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principles that guide all of CPRT

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the system and the framework and

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giving adults a better way to understand and

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process what's going on with their kids.

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And then yes, the goals are important,

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but you kind of swirl all that together

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and that is the rationale for

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providing CPRT and filial therapy to your families. So

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hope that that was helpful.

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I hope that it inspires you to maybe consider doing

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filial and as we talk through this in future weeks,

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maybe you'll start feeling more confident that you could

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add this into your work with families and kids.

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And I think you'll find it very, very rich. I've loved doing CPRT.

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I've been doing it for almost 20 years

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and I really, truly find it very fulfilling and rewarding.

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So hopefully you'll feel that way as well. Once you dive in a little bit deeper

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as always, I would love to hear from you brenna@thekidcounselor.com

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If you want to reach out, that would be something that I very much enjoy.

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I love getting emails from you all

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and www.playtherapynow.com is your hub for all things child-centered.

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So if you want info about the newsletter, the collective, my trainings,

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any of that stuff, please go to www.playtherapynow.com

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we'll talk again soon. I love you all. Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.

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For more episodes and resources.

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Please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.