339 | Art of the Session: "I Wonder" and Whisper Techniques

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi,

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I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode,

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we are continuing with the Art of the Session series.

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And this specifically today is on the "I wonder" statement

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and the whisper technique.

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And so we've been talking about

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at any given moment in any session.

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We can choose one of 11 responses according to what's happening

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and the whisper and wonder techniques.

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are similar,

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so I'm gonna cover them in the same episode I suppose,

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but they actually do serve a little bit of a different purpose.

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We'll talk through each of those.

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But again,

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this is a simple process.

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I'm hopeful that this series is helping you feel

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Very grounded

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in the fact that when you are in a session,

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there's never a moment where you go rogue.

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There's never a moment where you start saying random things.

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You have

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11 or so things that you're going to default to

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because they are adherent

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and they are skillful,

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and whisper and wonder techniques are one of those things.

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So that's where we're going today.

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Reminder,

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I know many of you already have,

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I'm very excited.

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If you're gonna be in Houston,

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please RSVP for the meetup.

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That is specifically for podcast and Collective members.

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So that's kind of an exclusive meetup.

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It's not open to the public

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and it's going to be just for us

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to hang out and spend time together.

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So

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if you are going to be in Houston for the conference in October,

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please RSVP,

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it will take place on the 11th at 7 p.m.

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And really close to the conference hotel.

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So,

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the link below will give you the opportunity to RSVP.

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It's free.

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I just need to know how many of you all are coming.

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We have some things we're gonna give away and stuff like that,

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so I just need a headcount.

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All right,

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so,

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Also,

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related aside,

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housekeeping option number 2.

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Many of you all know that I wrote the book Device Detox 5 years ago.

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I'm actually probably going to need to do a second edition pretty soon because

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technology has changed and there's new data and research emerging

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and so we've kind of been tossing the idea around of

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a 2nd edition.

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But

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I was in Barnes and Noble pretty recently.

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Our son loves,

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well,

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we all love to read,

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but our son specifically,

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and pretty much if we are out anywhere,

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he is looking for a Barnes and Noble.

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So

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we were in one pretty recently

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and I came across a book by Jonathan Haight,

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H A I D T.

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And maybe Haight,

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but I'm thinking Haight anyway,

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Jonathan Haight or Haight,

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and it's called the Anxious Generation,

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and I took a photo of it in the store.

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I did not buy it or read it yet.

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But I just want to read you the subtitle of this book

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because

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this is what we face as CCPTs.

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This is what we face as clinicians who specialize in working with children.

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The book is called The Anxious Generation,

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and here's the subtitle,

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How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness.

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And if that doesn't make us angry,

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and if that doesn't make us

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broken and burdened

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for this generation of kids.

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I don't know what would.

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It's causing an epidemic of mental illness,

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the

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amount of screens that kids are being exposed to and being given access to

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unfiltered,

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unmonitored,

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unfettered,

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and it is creating an anxious generation.

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So

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I know nothing about the book as far as like the content of it.

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I just saw the,

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the cover and I took a photo of it

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and then one of my actual therapists just texted me this morning and said,

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I started reading The Anxious Generation and I was thinking about you in your book.

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So

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I just want you all to be aware

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this is a fight and a battle that is worth waging,

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and this is something we need to be having very intentional

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conversations with parents about we need to be advocating for kids.

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We need to be talking about reduction of screen use.

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This is a real thing and if you are not

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familiar with the data that has emerged about how damaging

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and concerning.

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Overuse is for children,

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you need to educate yourself

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and you need to start making this a part

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of your parent consultation process and you need to

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be asking how many hours each day kids are on screens and you need to be helping them

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get that down to a healthy level.

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So just wanted to kind of

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do a little public service announcement about that,

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something I'm really passionate about and have been for a long time.

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OK,

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so let's dive into whisper and wonder techniques.

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So I wanna look at each one individually and then

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we'll kind of talk about how you can use them

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in conjunction because I am notorious for fusing them together.

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We know that

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questions put children in their heads and they live in their hearts,

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so we don't want to ask questions.

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We know that one of the rules of thumb is if you know enough to ask a question,

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you know enough to make a statement.

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So not only are we constantly trying to

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phrase everything in statement form in the playroom,

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because if we know enough to ask a question,

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we can certainly make a statement.

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But we also want to avoid asking questions because it

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takes kids out of their experience and their emotions.

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So with those two concepts in mind,

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One of the things that we sometimes have to do

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is phrase

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a request for information.

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Not

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in a question form.

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So that's where the I wonder

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statement comes in.

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So essentially,

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instead of asking the question,

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you can wonder,

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but here's,

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here's the rub y'all.

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I watch these sessions all the time in my coaching program

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and

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what happens is we use I wonder statements

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as a substitute for just blanketly asking questions.

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So,

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oh,

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I wonder what you're gonna do next.

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Oh,

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I wonder how you're gonna make that tower.

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Oh,

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I wonder what happened at school today.

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I wonder what you ate for lunch.

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I wonder if you talk to mom about your referral at school.

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We just substitute interrogating children

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with I wonder statements.

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That is not the intention,

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that is not the application,

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that is not what they are meant to be.

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It's not a replacement for questions.

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We don't need to ask questions in a playroom.

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We don't need to know what they're gonna do next in the playroom.

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We don't need to know what they're going to create.

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We don't need to know what happened at school.

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All of that is irrelevant information in a CCPT session,

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but there are times

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in session where we need

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clinically necessary,

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clinically relevant information.

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That's when we use an I wonder statement.

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So we make sense of that for you.

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In other words,

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kid says,

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you have to be the pirate.

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And I'm going to be the treasure hunter,

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and we both are trying to find the money.

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Now,

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one technique and strategy is to reflect content and wait.

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But even when we do that.

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Sometimes we're not given any more cues.

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So therefore we wonder.

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So when the kid goes,

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OK,

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be the pirate.

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I wonder what the pirate does.

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This is a clinically necessary wonder because I can't just

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start talking like a pirate.

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I can't close one eye.

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I can't pretend there's a parrot on my shoulder.

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I can't

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start saying walk the plank.

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I don't know what this child has in mind

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for me assuming the role of a pirate.

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So it is clinically necessary information

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for me to be given a directive.

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So

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I wonder what the pirate does.

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Oh,

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the pirate has to,

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then you get the necessary information that you need,

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then you are able to assume the role that you've been asked to play.

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You reserve,

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I wonder statements for those moments where you need clinical information.

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When you're asked to do something,

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say something,

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play a role,

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participate and engage in play.

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If you're not sure what that looks like,

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you wonder.

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Now,

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let me

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break down,

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I wonder a little bit more.

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Wondering

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does not

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necessitate a response.

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So you can wonder out loud and a child can ignore you.

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It is not a guarantee that you're going to get any kind of response when you wonder,

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but most often,

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if a child wants you to do something and you wonder about it,

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they will give you a cue.

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You can't expect it,

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but it's likely.

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And also when you wonder,

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you reserve them for the moments they're needed because

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if you wonder

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all throughout sessions.

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It's

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The boy that cried wolf

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scenario.

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In other words,

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if you wonder and wonder and wonder and wonder,

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it becomes such a standard part of the dialogue that kids will tune it out

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and then it loses its efficacy.

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So if you're wondering all session long,

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it's easy to just tune that out,

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start to ignore it.

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But if you only do it rarely,

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oh,

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I wonder what the robber's supposed to say.

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I wonder how mom puts the kids to bed.

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I wonder,

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whatever the scenario is that you need the cue.

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It has more impact

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because they're not used to hearing that phrase.

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So we temper the frequency,

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we reserve it for necessary moments,

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and it's always for clinical

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relevance.

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OK,

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so that's the wonder statement.

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Now,

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the whisper technique.

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The whisper technique allows us to actually ask a question.

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Again,

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we use it sparingly and with intention.

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But sometimes

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we can use the whisper technique to have a conspiratorial or

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allied kind of vibe to the play,

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and you can whisper the question.

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That's the only time you're gonna ask a question is if you whisper it,

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and it's part of the dialogue of play.

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So let's go back to the earlier scenario.

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You're gonna be the pirate and I'm going to be the treasure hunter,

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and we're both trying to find the money.

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You can wonder

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or you can say.

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What happens next?

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So now you've whispered a question,

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but because it's been whispered,

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it seems like you're on the same team.

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It seems like you're in this together.

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It has that,

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like I said,

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that secret conspiratorial.

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I,

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I need you to,

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you know,

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give me the next step here.

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It has that vibe to it.

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And so when you whisper,

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you can in fact ask a question,

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but you again are waiting for those moments where it's necessary.

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I'm not going to whisper

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something to a child

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just because it needs to be when I'm hoping for more information.

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Often,

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sometimes you can whisper

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00:11:19,059 --> 00:11:20,849
that you don't know what to do.

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It doesn't always have to be a question.

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So,

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a lot of times if a kid says,

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Here,

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00:11:26,229 --> 00:11:29,380
grab the alligator puppet and I'll grab the shark puppet and,

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you know,

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we're gonna do a puppet show.

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You could use whisper to ask a question,

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or you could say,

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I'm not sure what the alligator does.

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And that serves the same purpose.

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00:11:39,929 --> 00:11:41,679
So it doesn't always have to be a question,

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00:11:41,729 --> 00:11:43,090
but when you whisper.

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00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:45,940
It has that playful

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00:11:46,289 --> 00:11:47,210
tone to it,

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where the child is going to have to whisper back and answer.

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So for me,

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I really for some reason,

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00:11:55,250 --> 00:11:55,580
I don't know,

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00:11:55,650 --> 00:11:57,729
my brain does not seem to want to keep these separate

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00:11:57,729 --> 00:11:59,719
and I've actually had a hard time in this episode,

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00:12:00,130 --> 00:12:01,679
not whispering my wonder.

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00:12:01,799 --> 00:12:03,710
I had to like force myself not to do it.

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00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:06,799
I almost always fuse them together,

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00:12:07,010 --> 00:12:08,760
so I whisper my wonder

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00:12:09,049 --> 00:12:09,700
statement

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00:12:10,210 --> 00:12:10,679
and

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00:12:10,969 --> 00:12:12,359
you can keep them separate,

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00:12:12,729 --> 00:12:14,119
but I tend to go.

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00:12:15,159 --> 00:12:16,830
I wonder what happens now.

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00:12:17,559 --> 00:12:18,280
So I,

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00:12:18,559 --> 00:12:19,950
it just works out that way for me.

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00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,400
My brain wants to have them as one unit.

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00:12:23,119 --> 00:12:24,010
They are separate,

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00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:27,049
but notice they are purposeful,

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00:12:27,479 --> 00:12:29,150
they are clinically necessary.

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00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,229
You don't use it very often

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00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:37,179
and it preserves that the children can stay in their emotions and their experience

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00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:41,380
instead of being dragged up into their heads and having to cognitively think.

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00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:44,700
About what's going on and or answer questions.

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00:12:45,190 --> 00:12:45,429
All right,

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00:12:45,469 --> 00:12:46,559
so hopefully

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00:12:46,869 --> 00:12:49,590
you have a sense of whisper and wonder now

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00:12:50,250 --> 00:12:55,099
all going back to there are a limited number of responses in a playroom

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00:12:55,750 --> 00:12:59,750
and wonder statements and whisper technique are two of

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00:12:59,750 --> 00:13:02,580
the ones that help us gain what we need

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00:13:03,030 --> 00:13:07,500
to not disrupt the child's play because the last thing we want

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00:13:07,789 --> 00:13:08,789
is a kid says,

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00:13:08,869 --> 00:13:09,869
you be the pirate.

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00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:11,320
And we just

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00:13:11,599 --> 00:13:14,419
go off on our pirate spiel

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00:13:14,950 --> 00:13:21,020
and it completely derails or distracts or disrupts what the child had in mind.

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00:13:21,549 --> 00:13:23,049
We never want to

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00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:24,659
have that dynamic

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00:13:24,909 --> 00:13:26,010
unfold in a playroom,

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00:13:26,070 --> 00:13:28,500
so the whisper and wonder allow us to avoid that.

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00:13:29,229 --> 00:13:29,799
All right y'all,

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00:13:30,030 --> 00:13:30,510
I love you.

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I hope that you have a great week.

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00:13:31,710 --> 00:13:32,549
We'll talk again soon.

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00:13:32,710 --> 00:13:32,950
Bye.

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00:13:34,169 --> 00:13:36,929
Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr.

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00:13:37,090 --> 00:13:38,010
Brenna Hicks.

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For more episodes and resources,

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please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.