S3 EP15: SEL Summer Camp Week5 - Deep Dive into Anger, Reactivity & Rage | Why Tweens Explode (And What to Do Instead)

Well, hello, wonderful campers.
Welcome back to another week of middle school Mary Poppins summer camp with socio-emotional learning and mightier.
I'm Suzanne M.
Swain and I'm so, so happy that you're here.
Today we're gonna pack our bags and head somewhere absolutely magical.
Hawaii.
Da-da-da-da-da-da.
See, we have a bigger budget than I thought, but in our minds.
And now, if you've listened to this podcast for any length of time, you probably know that every time I travel somewhere new, I come home with approximately like 47 random facts that nobody ever wanted or asked for.
And somehow they all end up in these episodes and I subject them to you good folk.
But apparently that's just kind of like how I roll.
And honestly, I'm okay with that.
But before we get started, I want to give a huge thank you to our friends at Mighty Ear for sponsoring our summer camp.
We've had so much fun this summer.
Mighty Ear is one of my favorite tools for helping children learn emotional regulation through play.
And of course, if you want to learn more, visit Mightyear.com and use coupon code Mary Poppins to save 15%.
Remember, they they've created it's so cool with lots and lots of research.
They have created the most amazing thing.
I went and sought them out myself.
Like I found them and went to them.
And I do not, you know, they're not, I'm not on their payroll or anything.
I just think it's a really cool tool and it's affordable.
But they have video games that adjust to your child's anxiety level through a heart rate armband.
How cool is that?
So the kid will learn to re-regulate and self-regulate on their own.
And that self-regulation is absolutely key.
So use coupon code Mary Poppins, all is one word, and you can save 15%.
And I guarantee you, on a teacher budget, I could afford this thing.
So that's great.
And if today's adventure makes you smile, don't forget we're now on YouTube.
You're gonna find full episode shorts, behind the scenes fun soon, and all kinds of goofy stuff.
And of course, my pal in crime, Mr.
Lieutenant Steve.
And speaking of Lieutenant Steve, I should probably explain why we're currently running through the Honolulu airport.
So give me just a sec here.
Okay.
Apparently, Steve discovered a tiny coconut warrior sitting in a luggage cart and decided he needed to rescue him or adopt him, maybe kidnap him.
And honestly, these details are somewhat unclear, but Steve is proudly trotting through the terminal carrying a six-inch coconut warrior in his mouth, while about 20 equally tiny coconut warriors are also chasing him with little spears, and this is somehow my my life as we know it.
So fortunately, everyone boarded the plane, even the coconut warriors.
And although I have a feeling that the story may not be quite over yet, but we're settling into Hawaii today, and I want to tell you about something that happened to me not too long ago.
And I think it'll help to set up our episode today really nicely.
I had just finished washing my car.
Now, I I didn't I don't wash my car nearly often enough.
I just don't get time and it kind of goes by the wayside.
So this was kind of a big event.
It was sparkling, it smelled amazing, and I stood back and admired my work thinking, wow, like look what I accomplished.
Like I did it.
Da da da da da.
Then, like five minutes later, a bird flew over, and you know where the story's going, right?
So, right on the windshield.
Yep.
I remember standing there just laughing because I had two choices.
I could spend the rest of my afternoon, like super mad about a bird, no fault of their own, doing what they do.
Or I could simply ask myself the little question that's carried me through so much of my life.
And that question, that little phrase is now what?
That's what pops in my head every time some disaster happens.
And believe me, I'm like Calamity Jane.
So, not because I like what happened, and not because it was fair.
And believe me, that's not fair, is my phrase de jour, seriously.
But because that tiny question reminds me that I get to make a choice on what I do next, that I hold the cards.
And that same little question showed up again recently, though.
I decided to get a haircut.
And now I wasn't looking for anything dramatic, just like a little trim, freshen it up, and get ready for the trip.
So I walked out looking like somebody had accidentally asked for like surprised poodle or you know, southern glamour shots.
And I came home looking in the mirror and I laughed and I was like, okay, now what?
And apparently the answer was like hats.
Lots and lots of hats.
I got out my baseball cap collection, which was extensive, and honestly, now what should become my next bumper sticker or a t-shirt or something.
I could be onto something like Inforest Gump when he does the bumper sticker.
But life has a funny way of reminding us that we don't always get to choose what happens to us, but we almost always get to choose what happens next.
So, you know, my dad used to tell me something all the time.
He used to say when I was a kid, he's like, Wherever you go, there you are.
I was like, What?
And when I was younger, I honestly thought he was just like teasing me or something.
I didn't, I was like, what is this?
Because no matter where I went, I somehow managed to collect stories.
Very odd stories.
Like, how does this happen to one person type stories?
Stories about tractors and camp and libraries and dogs and watching my car, and then the machine stops halfway through and just drops soap all over my car and then breaks entirely.
And apparently, right now, stories about volcanoes today.
But the older I get, the more I understand kind of what he meant now.
And you can move across the country, you can fly to Hawaii, you can become a parent or start middle school, change careers, get a haircut, even if it's a little wild, and eventually you still meet yourself, and maybe that's where growth happens.
And when everything goes according to plan, and you know, that's great, but most of the time it doesn't go according to plan.
And when life surprises you, you discover that you're stronger and kinder and more resilient than you realize.
So it's the struggle that teaches us who we are, it's not the win.
So that just shows us who we are as people and how gracious we are.
But my dad spent his entire career in education, and he was a special educator, a school principal.
He actually even helped to create a school for students who otherwise might have ended up in the juvenile justice system.
And around our dinner table, education wasn't just something we did, it was something we like actively talked about a lot because my whole family was in the education system.
And one idea he kept coming back to over and over and over again was helping kids to become the triad of the letter C.
Competent, capable, and connected.
This was his thing.
In fact, it was in his dissertation and all kinds of stuff.
But competent, capable, and connected and easy to remember.
And I've carried these three words with me my entire career, and I always taught it to my kiddos all the time.
And the older I get, the more I think about these three words are connected in ways I hadn't noticed.
It's like the pattern is emerging because children become competent when someone believes they can learn, when they have faith in them.
They become capable when someone lets them try again and gives them an opportunity to succeed.
And they become connected when someone reminds them that they belong.
And I don't think that's just good teaching.
I think that's good parenting and good counseling and all of it.
I think it's just about being a good human.
Which brings me to Guitar Hero.
I know, just just go with it.
It's my neurodivergent brain, just go with it.
This all connects, I promise.
It's great.
Years ago, I became absolutely obsessed with this like song on Guitar Hero.
I rabbit holed so bad on this.
There's that song at the end, Through the Fire and the Flames by Dragon Force, and it's super fast.
Whoever did this is a boss.
Now, if you ever play Guitar Hero, you already know where the story is headed.
I was terrible, like really bad.
I do not have that kind of hand-eye coordination for instruments at all.
I failed like epically over and over and over again.
Excuse me, but my fingers like hurt.
And everybody in the house probably wanted to unplug the game.
Like they were just like, oh please, Suzanne, stop.
But something kind of funny happened.
Every single time I played, I just got like a little bit better, and I could do like one or two more notes before I epically failed yet again.
Not perfect, just better and like on easy mode.
But still, looking back, I didn't know it then.
But I was living exactly what psychologist Carol Dweck would call the power of yet.
Very big deal in teaching and counseling and stuff.
She's she's a big deal.
But the power of the word yet, I can't do it yet.
I absolutely love that word yet.
It's a really hopeful word in the English language.
We don't have a lot of those, but it's tiny, it's hopeful.
It rocks because it leaves room for tomorrow.
And I think that's really cool, right?
You know, it leaves room for growth.
And I like, you know, it leaves room for like becoming.
And somewhere along the way, my brain started asking me one more question because it never shuts up.
After yet, then comes crickets, right?
So in my mind, as soon as I learned about Carol Dweck and the power of Yet, I immediately said, now what?
And I was like, it's like an addendum on the power of Yet.
I made a mistake.
Now what?
Today didn't go as planned.
Now what?
The volcano erupted it and there's lava everywhere.
Now what?
Middle school is hard.
Now what?
Life surprises me today.
Now what?
That little question has carried me through crazy my entire life.
And I'm telling you, it is ridiculous the fireballs that have been thrown at me in life, like insane.
And but I'm like, now what?
Because it's about being a problem solver and it's about me taking responsibility for what's gonna happen.
It may not have been my fault what occurred, usually isn't, but it is up to me to decide what to do about it.
And that choice gives me power.
And it's not because I'm pretending like everything's okay, because it is usually a absolute dumpster fire and in colossal ways.
And not because it magically like fixes hard things.
Now what doesn't fix anything?
It just gives you an opportunity and it reminds me that like every ending, every ending is also kind of the beginning of the next decision, which could change the trajectory or the path that your life goes on.
So maybe a good choice can get you out of this.
That's the first thing to try.
And it also makes you take a second and pause, stop, regulate, listen.
It takes you know a second to think about what's the plan, to critically think and to bring you back from your amygdala who's freaking out, Amy, and then go back to your frontal lobe where you can critically think your way through this and make a much better decision.
Because anger, you know, makes some good decisions sometimes.
But every day we get a whole other chance.
So, speaking of volcanoes, which is what we're talking about today ultimately, is that I fell down this rabbit hole while I was getting ready for the episode today.
I admit this.
I started reading about Hawaiian volcanoes, and honestly, I couldn't stop.
I took an environmental studies course back in college, and I loved it then, and I still love it now.
But I realized something.
Volcanoes have gotten a really bad rip, and I think they need rebranded because most people hear the word volcano and they immediately think like total destruction, danger, disaster.
In fact, I've had kids in therapy draw volcanoes of anger, and they're always like, ah, or just I'd say the word volcano and they were always angry.
Look at Moana, for example.
No spoiler alert though.
But Hawaiians have lived actually alongside volcanoes for, I mean, generations.
That's how their islands were built.
So they understand something many of us actually forget that volcanoes don't just destroy, they create.
That's what they're there for.
They're not there for destruction, they're there for the creation.
You know, like burning, you know, sometimes forests have to burn down to grow back better.
You know?
So entire islands exist because lava kept flowing and cooling, and every beach and waterfall and rainforest and cute little sea turtle, and every rainbow stretching across that beautiful Hawaiian sky, I would guess, because I've never been there, oh, until now, exists because a volcano kept showing up.
It kept creating and becoming, and suddenly, you know, what if we've been looking at anger the same way?
I think it's a very underestimated emotion and honestly, truly my absolute favorite emotion because it's about passion and being a warrior and caring about people.
It's anger is just all kinds of love in my heart.
And so let's let's take the angry kid thing and let's rethink this that cognitive distortion.
So, what if we've spent so much time like fearing anger that you know, I don't know, maybe we forgot to ask, what are you trying to build with this anger?
Dr.
King certainly built something with his frustration and didn't show his anger publicly.
So Dr.
Martin Luther King Jr.
was able to use his upset and be strategic and say, now what am I gonna do about it so people will accept us?
And the civil rights movement happened.
So sometimes the most important thing that changes isn't the volcano, it's just the way that we look at it.
It's that our perspective could be off, a cognitive distortion, which we talked about.
And that's exactly what I'd love for us to explore today.
So, hi, Jessica, there you are.
I think it's when most parents hear the word anger that they immediately think it's the problem, right?
Yeah.
I'm glad you're still there because that was my long soliloquy in the beginning.
But yes, folks, Jessica Raynez back with us today from Mightier, and we are definitely talking anger today.
So uh you and I kind of both know that anger isn't really the first feeling that arrives.
It's often protecting something that's much more vulnerable underneath.
Can you help us understand why anger is so often called kind of a secondary emotion?
Yeah.
So and I think your your setup, your I was calling you, Suzanne.
Oh good.
Take a nap, whatever.
Um because I mean, even at my dear, we talk about, we use the metaphor of volcanoes to talk about anger because there's so many layers, right?
So anger, and the the core message here that we're gonna like come back to over and over again is that anger is not the villain, but oftentimes anger gets portrayed as the villain, right?
But anger is a normal emotion.
We all feel it, everyone feels it, our kids feel it.
As adults, we feel it.
Parents have probably felt it today, right?
Like you you feel anger all the time.
It's a very normal emotion, and it is communicating something very important to us, right?
It might be communicating that something's unfair, something feels unsafe.
So we I feel disrespected, something feels really important, right?
Like anger is a very protective emotion, and it's telling us that something matters.
Yeah, I think it's kind of beautiful, actually.
It's it's passion and drive and injustice and standing up for what's right.
And it's it, you know, it just has to be sort of, you know, corralled into a helpful sort of emotion.
So, but yeah, and I mean it's really it's actually quite fascinating.
So, you know, what feelings are commonly also hiding beneath that?
Because you were saying like a sense of injustice and things.
So, in a middle schooler, you know, what what feelings are likely to be hiding behind that that you see?
Yeah, yeah.
So oftentimes we see disappointment, we see embarrassment, we see feeling guilty about something, we see like loneliness, nervousness, anxiety.
And so it could be any emotion, right?
I mean, and I think like the anger iceberg, like is I think a lot of people are familiar with that, right?
I you see like all of these more nuanced, vulnerable, complicated emotions, and like anger is what shows up.
Anger is like the most obvious one.
It's it gets big, and anger can look like something, right?
So like anger is the emotion, but oftentimes when you feel all of these emotions, and like it comes out as anger, which also looks like a behavior, right?
Right.
It can look like yelling, slamming a door, arguing, shutting down, reacting intensely.
Like the anger is big and obvious and looks like something, but oftentimes it's also very protective.
It is protecting the more vulnerable emotions and it's protecting you in some sense.
Absolutely.
Well, and anger is driven with adrenaline.
So you want to get up and move.
You know, you want to do something about it right away.
And it's it's so unlike any other emotion where it's just so action-oriented because of that adrenaline spike.
And but it's like it just, you know, the problem is is sometimes when we're that angry to stop and wait a second is is I mean, that's tough.
That's tough for anybody, let alone, you know, a kiddo and things like that.
So, but how can parents begin responding with curiosity instead of fear when those big emotions, you know, kind of show up, you know, meltdown, that type of thing?
Yeah, yeah.
So there are a few key things like when your child is angry about something and they're reacting, right?
At the one thing to keep to keep in mind is what is this anger communicating?
Like what is underneath it and that, right?
It might be that hurt, that embarrassment, the disappointment, whatever it is.
So looking for that as a parent, trying to see that rather than just seeing the emotion and the rather than sorry, rather than just seeing the anger and the reaction that's coming with the anger is really key because if we just focus on like the anger and how my how your child's reacting to anger, things are gonna get worse, right?
Right.
Like things will just get bigger.
But trying to find what's underneath it and what is being communicated is a big thing.
So one that helps with changing our own perspective as parents and our own like approach to our kids, approaching like with empathy, with grace, rather than just re- us also reacting to what our kids are feeling.
It also helps if we can like prompt our kids in that way.
So, like trying to figure out help them see what's underneath their the their anger.
Another big piece here is about us staying regulated as parents, because uh you know, if we also this happens for me all the time, right?
Like my kids are they're having a reaction, they're fighting with each other.
I'm I'm getting angry also, right?
But if I get loud, if I get, if I yell, if I get angry, it doesn't help then calm down, right?
So being that calming, grounding presence, be letting your kids regulate off of your regulation is a is another key strategy here for parents.
Absolutely.
I mean, modeling how you behave when you're angry is extremely important for this age group because it's like, okay, I am so mad right now.
And I used to model it with uh the kids in class a lot.
You know, I would get mad about something a lot because like all of a sudden we're gonna do this instead.
And I'm like, you know, and it changed my day that I planned for.
And you know, but I would I would be like, guys, I am so angry right now.
Like, I just need a minute.
Just can I have a second?
Is that okay?
Do you guys need that sometimes?
Yeah, I do too.
So I'm gonna step back for a second, I'm gonna go eat some MMs, and I'm gonna be back in one minute and 36 seconds.
And I always give some random number, right?
But I was trying to model the fact of like I need a minute before I feel like it's a bit a good idea to express myself.
And you know, some of them actually said they're like, well, I actually kind of helped a little bit.
And I was like, well, I just want to see the why something got you angry.
You know, it's why are you expelling this much energy for something?
There must be a reason, you know.
And I think if we get to that as fast as possible, we could circumvent a whole kinds of, you know, problems and things like that.
So kiddos, I mean, if you're listening, tell them why.
If if no one's asking you why, you know, maybe write a letter and explain that.
Because the why is is gonna get us to the root of the issue.
And I really like what you had to say about that, and that how, you know, just having that patience is important, the grace.
It goes back to that grace issue again.
And I mean, I think with anyone that you deal with, if you see someone angry, you know, to put your, you know, put their shoes on for a second and just be like, okay, well, why would they be angry?
Like, do they have a reason to be angry?
Well, da-da-da-da-da.
Oh, okay.
And just trying to see someone else's point of view is a skill I think everybody in the world can work on every day.
So, I mean, you know, before we packed our bags to go on our little trip to Hawaii, I mean, if someone had asked me what a volcano was, I probably would have said, you know, mountain that explodes and rattled off some stuff from, you know, Enviro Psy years ago.
But I mean, honestly, that's exactly how many think people, you know, they kind of think about anger, like we're saying, it's loud and messy and dangerous and scary, and you just want to avoid it because it's probably really hot and ah, you know, melt your skin and all that stuff.
But then I was reading more about the Hawaiian volcanoes, like I said, getting ready here, and everything changed.
And I also saw there was like a Disney special that was on a few weeks ago, and it is like all these little stories of interesting things.
And there was a story about a girl who's actually named Moana, and she's a surfer in Hawaii, and she talked about you know her relationship with the volcanoes growing up there.
And, you know, Hawaiians don't simply fear volcanoes, not even hardly at all.
They actually understand them and see them as like a almost like a living, breathing thing.
They respect them, and they know that volcanoes aren't just destroying land, they actually focus on the idea of its creating it for them.
And all the Hawaiian islands exist because a volcano refused to stop creating and fighting for its right to.
Party.
Come on.
Think about that for a sec.
I mean, every single beach and waterfall and palm tree and rainbow and sea turtle, all that stuff.
You know, kids building sand castles, it's because the lava kept showing up and even black sand beaches.
I mean, how cool is that?
I mean, it just kept flowing and becoming.
So the metaphor here is maybe anger deserves that other look too.
I mean, one of my favorite things that I learned about Hawaiians is they don't just have one word for lava.
It's kind of like, you know, in the north they have lots of words for snow.
I mean, of course, they have, you know, lots and lots of words for lava.
So when something has shaped your home for thousands of years, you learn its personality and its language.
So the kind one kind of lava is actually really interesting, it has a fun name.
It's called Pahoihoy.
And it's P-A-H-O-E-H-O-E.
And it's pronounced Pahoihoy.
I absolutely love saying that word.
Super fun.
Pohoyhoy moves slowly and smoothly.
And as it cools, it becomes really cool, like ropey patterns across the earth.
And if you've ever seen pictures, you should Google it.
It's gorgeous.
And it reminds me of like melted chocolate or like a big cinnamon roll that someone left in the oven too long or something.
Like, but there's also a really cool other kind of lava called uh-uh.
Yeah, like A-Hyphen A-H-A-A.
Which honestly sounds exactly like what you yell if exactly someone stepped on you barefoot or you step on a Lego be like, uh-uh, what part don't you get?
The uh or the uh uh.
But uh-uh is rough and sharp and jagged and will slice your feet.
So it breaks apart into loose rocks that are really difficult to walk across.
And this is the part that absolutely amazed me.
They they're exact same lava, same volcano and heat and chemistry and all that.
It's just how they moved when they left the volcano.
So that's the difference.
So I couldn't stop thinking about that.
And I thought that was kind of cool.
But suddenly I wasn't thinking about volcanoes anymore, though.
I was thinking about the middle schoolers.
And anger works exactly the same way.
Like the emotion itself isn't good or bad.
The question is, how is it moving and is it moving in a healthy way?
Like, is it racing down the hill so fast that it burns everything in its path and you know, ah, we're running?
Or has it slowed down enough to be like, I can patiently walk away with my walker?
Or, you know, it but it's building something new.
So I don't know that our job as caregivers and parents and teachers and counselors is to get rid of anger.
I think it's extremely healthy.
You just have to channel it.
So I think it's helping children learn to turn like uh-uh, into pahoyhoy.
Because some lava, you know, some lava does different things, but same lava here, different journey, a healthier journey of anger.
And honestly, I mean, that's emotional regulation.
That's what we've been talking about all week.
And not become well, all summer, excuse me, and not becoming someone different, just learning how your emotions move through your body.
So, Jessica, would you agree with that?
Or no?
What do you think?
Yeah, yeah, no, absolutely.
I think we have to, there's like this piece about understanding our emotion.
Or our emotions, because well, like we talked about with our ocean of emotions episode, we might be feeling many, many, many emotions at once.
And then also how then there's the bit the how we react to them.
How do our emotions come out?
What do we do?
And are they in our do they feel like they are just happening and work hard sort of like at their will, right?
Like that's dysregulation, oftentimes, right?
Or are we in do we have control over how we are reacting?
And are we making the choices we want?
Are we right?
Because we can feel angry and use that anger, like understand that anger and use it in a productive way, or sometimes like the anger comes out and like we're just flailing, right?
And we don't necessarily have control.
And like, so it is moving, helping kids build this skill of understanding their emotions and their reactions, and also building a greater sense of regulation and having control over how they respond to their emotions.
I had a kiddo that he had a serious anger problem, and he had absolutely every right to be angry because his life wasn't great, and he knew it, and we could only do so much.
So giving him a good school environment was the best that we could do at the time.
And so I ended up buying one of those, like on, you know, the you know, little app somewhere.
I bought this thing that you stick on the wall, and it's a Bluetooth speaker, and it lights up and it's like a boxing kind of circle, and so it comes with little boxing gloves and stuff, and so I'd hook it up to, you know, he liked Sweet Home Alabama so many times.
And but anyway, I turned that on and he would just get mad and just start punching this thing and earning points and things like that.
And he felt like it was self-defense for himself, but he had to get out all that physical anger because he started learning what it felt like to be angry in the first place.
And I was super proud of him because I was like, way to go, buddy.
Like, you know, in six months he went from like, ah, I'm so upset, bam, you know, meltdown, to just coming in, grabbing his little boxing gloves, playing for a few minutes, and then sitting down and be like, okay, I can talk now.
You know, wow, way to go.
So, you know, it can be done.
And that's this is like an 11-year-old who could do it.
So that's that's pretty cool.
So, but Jessica, what are some of the earliest physical signs parents can help children notice before they even realize that they're angry?
Like, what are some of those body signs and stuff that they might be able to pinpoint?
Yeah.
So some of it is internal, right?
So you you might be able to see some of this as well as a parent, but uh you it'd be helping your child pay attention to those like physiological sensations, right?
So it's like heart racing, what's happening with your heart rate?
What's happening with like how does your stomach feel?
How does your skin feel?
Like heat, things like that, like that tingly sensation you sometimes get in your skin.
How does your how does your head feel?
So, like helping kids tune into those internal sensations that are happening that signal we we have them all the time for every emotion, right?
But if we're specifically talking about anger, it might be that your heart is racing and like pounding, your muscles are really tight and clenched, your face might feel hot.
So you might actually see that.
Like you might look flushed, but also maybe you feel the heat as well.
Some people feel really sick to their stomach when they're angry, and uh maybe like it's hard to think clearly.
You get that tunnel vision.
So some of this is purely internal, some of it you can also see from the outside.
And some of it are like these little small behaviors that start popping up when you feel angry.
So it might be you're getting snippy, it might be that you get totally quiet, you don't respond at all.
Uh it might be you start pacing, right?
There like we all probably have like some little telltale sign that others would notice in that indicate how we are feeling.
But getting your child to like tune into all of this is really important because it's like because it happens very quickly, right?
And so being able to catch, like, okay, this is how I'm feeling, this is how my body's responding is a really great step in building emotional awareness.
Absolutely.
Well, it's it's almost like everybody has their own radio with their own frequency.
And, you know, music's kind of what emotions sound like.
So if you kind of think of it like that, like your emotions can play music if you tune in correctly.
But otherwise, it's just a bunch of static and noise and chaos and mayhem and stuff.
But it's like and with neurodivergent kids, you know, anger can mean different things.
I I will speak for myself and say I have meltdowns a lot.
And just because I need to just release the pressure, I don't want to do anything about it.
I just want to be mad for five minutes and yell and you know, say my what I need to say and get it out there, and then I'm okay.
You know, I don't need an action step.
I just need to get it out of my brain.
You know, and that's okay.
And so, but meltdowns with other neurodivergent people or other people in general is that, you know, maybe they want to yell and scream because they want to be heard.
So it's it always goes back to that why thing and knowing the people in your life and giving them a safe space to be mad but still be loved afterward is is a huge thing.
I think we all, you know, want to do that kind of thing for our kids and let them know that anger is a very healthy emotion.
But also too, and you know, when you're angry, you know, you were talking about getting hot, and of course you start sweating, and that's a thing.
And but your body's trying to calm you down with the sweat.
You know, cool off, cool off, calm down.
So even your body's sending the signal that, yeah, you're mad, but we're we're trying to calm you down here.
So pay attention to the sweating thing, and that may be something.
But what are you know, in in that regard and whatnot?
So, what are some you know, simple ways families can help children kind of slow the lava, so to speak, before it starts kind of moving too fast?
So you, you know, we were talking about identifying those body signals.
What do you think about like having maybe like safe, almost like a safe word?
Like, I'm super angry right now, I need a minute.
You know, could could that work?
I mean, what do you think?
Yeah, I mean, I'm yeah, I've heard a lot of families say, like, whether it's a word or whether it's some sort of like sign signal that is uh like your your child can doesn't even have to they don't have to even say what they're feeling and why they're feeling it, right?
They don't even have to go that far.
Something to indicate like I'm I'm upset right now, I'm pissed, whatever it is, like I'm angry right now, and that they just like need something, they need to take a break.
Families can do it in all different ways.
And my ear we do like we do a lot of things with like your red zone and your blue zone.
So red, the color red, and like your like a red zone, something that indicates that is a pretty symbolic thing that a lot of our families use.
But then in terms of like the actual what to do and the body, so part the other half of tuning into your body signals and those sensations that you feel when you are really angry is like use the do the opposite of each one of those, right?
So your heart is racing to get back in control and feel calm, or you need your heart rate to slow down.
Your skin feels really hot with the anger.
So maybe doing something cooling could help, right?
So, what are those things?
Like holding ice, taking a cold shower, splashing water on your face.
Your muscles are really tense.
Maybe you need to do progressive muscle relaxation, right?
To like really relax your body.
Um you're pacing, like go maybe like go for a walk, like something that like lets that out, right?
So you can kind of use that, those specific body sensations as your indicator of which coping skills to use in those moments that will actually be helpful for everybody.
Absolutely.
Well, I had my kiddos write an essay about anger one time, and we did a lot of like emotional kind of writing so that way they could get their feelings out.
And I wanted to focus on anger as an issue because some things were going on with the football team and they were pretty jacked up about some things, and rightly so.
But to get them to express themselves.
And the first thing that we did is I had to make 10 little bullet points on a piece of paper.
Of course, they have to take ownership and do it themselves, you know.
And I said, get your favorite pen or pencil, whatever it doesn't matter, and a piece of paper, the sum that you're gonna keep, and let's make 10 bullet points, okay?
And I made them all sit there and I played kind of like Dragon Force type of thing.
Like I played this, like, you know, speed metal.
And I was like, all right, now we're gonna sit here for the length of the song, and I want you to write as you start to get angry with this song, tell me what, you know, write on the bullet points what your body feels like before we write the essay.
And the kids found that super helpful.
So I would think, you know, for families, you know, I've seen it work in the classroom.
I would think that, you know, with families, even you know, maybe having that discussion at dinner one night or something, and afterward trying the bullet point thing, maybe start with like five, you know, and say, okay, well, what do I feel like?
And I think it'd be very powerful to hear that from a parent, to be like, this is what I feel like when I'm angry.
And then, you know, I would hope that I, you know, every middle schooler I know likes to help people out.
So they'd probably be like, oh mom, I see that, you know, you're sweating from your forehead.
Are you angry?
And they they learn the power of self-checking and checking on those loved ones as well, and to pay attention to those signs, which I think is, you know, that's that's pretty cool.
I I think that's awesome.
So it can be very, very helpful.
And in Mighty Year in the game, when I played with the game, you're talking about the red zone, blue zone.
What she's talking about, everybody, is that when you play the game and the heart rate goes up, super fun.
Y'all need to make the adult version.
I'm serious.
Like, come on now.
And so customizable screen, everything.
But in any case, yeah, like when my heart rate went up, the whole screen went red and started flashing at me, like, whoa, I mean, you can't miss it.
And then when you're calm, it kind of makes this blue zone that's really calming.
So it's very, very obvious when playing in the game format.
That's what I thought.
One of the things I thought was so cool about it was like it makes it very, very clear that you might be dysregulated.
And, you know, pretty cool.
So, but one thing I I really wish that every middle schooler knew is that anger doesn't usually begin with the whole yelling thing.
That's a reaction, it's like cause and effect, but it begins not with yelling, but more like kind of whispers.
So, I mean, your shoulders feel I mean, it's kind of what it feels like.
Your shoulders might be feeling tight, and your stomach, like like Jessica was saying, feels really funny.
You know, fear and anger make your stomach upset.
Maybe your jaw clenches.
That's what I grind my teeth a lot and I hold a lot of tension in my jaw.
So my jaw clenches and it kind of hurts.
And maybe your heart beats just, you know, a bit faster and your face is hot, like she was saying, your body is really smart.
And long before the volcano erupts, your body has already noticed that the smoke has come first and then the lava.
And the problem is that most of us we were never really taught how to recognize the smoke signal.
So, you know who actually notices the smoke?
That would be Lieutenant Steve.
Well, I mean, sort of.
You know, apparently Steve has finally realized that stealing tiny coconut warriors has consequences, y'all, because he's sprinting down the beach, and what happens to be the entire coconut kingdom is now chasing him with tiny arrows and all kinds of stuff.
And one is currently stuck in his fluffy little backside, and Steve has become completely convinced that he's about to become the main course at tonight's luau, unfortunately.
So I tried to explain to him, and he's a stubborn little fellow, like, Steve, I don't think they want to eat you.
I think they just want their coconut back, you know, like just give it back.
And honestly, our brains do this all the time.
Sometimes we're reacting to a story we're telling ourselves, and instead of the situation that's actually happening, we're, you know, it's kind of true with anxiety and embarrassment and anger that it's we're telling ourselves a different story.
It's kind of like I saw a picture the other day of a it was like a tarot card, and it was of a girl who was kind of sitting on the ground and she had her hands in her face and there's a locked door, but right behind her is a key.
But she's so caught up in her emotions that her amygdala is going out of whack and her frontal lobe, where she thinks, you know, critically, is shut off, but she can't snap out of it to see that the key is right there.
So, you know, see the forest for the trees.
So I think one of the biggest things we can do as people, you know, of all ages, is to pause and give our minds a minute to come back to critical thinking and say, now what?
And what are we gonna do about it?
And how can we fix this instead of just sitting here, you know, like ruminating on something and spinning our wheels like a hamster.
So I mean, Jessica, that kind of reminds me of so much of what happens in the brain.
And can you help us, you know, fully understand what's happening in the amygdala when children become angry?
Can you give us some more insight on that?
You're the genius.
Yeah.
So we've all like, I mean, you can hear about the fight or flight response, right?
And you're in so a lot of times anger is a reaction that it's an emotion like that is protecting you, we've talked about, right?
So maybe you are actually in danger of something, and like anger is this big, strong, protective emotion that's gonna like come out and help you in that moment.
Maybe your perception is that something that you're in danger, or like you're you know, it has more to do with your reputation, right?
Like, you know, a lot of things have changed since this reaction was this like innate reaction was embedded within us.
But when our body moves into this mode, we are prioritizing survival and safety.
So that is why your your heart rate increases and your muscles get tense.
And right, your amygdala is sending these signals like we need to protect ourselves.
And it sends these signals to your body and it's about reacting and of reacting quickly, right?
So that you can run away, so that you can fight back, right?
That is sort of like the the state you're primed to be in when you are feeling angry, which means it is really hard to prioritize prioritize things like clear thinking or decision making or logical, rational problem solving, right?
This is why, like when you're your child, or you know, if you think about a time for yourself when you felt really, really angry and it's hard to think clearly or like even to say like, oh, like this isn't that big of a deal.
I should just take some deep breaths, I should just calm down.
Like, you can't, your brain's not in a state where it can even access any of that information, right?
It is in reaction survival mode, get us away from whatever is threatening us, fight back to you know, against whatever feels like injust or is, you know, or is threatening us, you know, it's so you're in this state where it's all about reactivity and not so much about rationality.
Yep.
And boy, can you burn down some bridges that way.
So, you know, one of the very big skills that we practiced a lot in the eighth grade, because you know, hormones, you know, you throw in hormones on top of all this, like testosterone can make you very, very angry, you know, things like that.
Where you have these little Coke bottles on of anger and you're just raging.
And it can be really hard to reason with someone whose volcano is kind of erupted and you know, it's almost like they kind of get into a spiral.
I mean, what do you think?
So, but can you tell them a little bit how mightier in the game, like when they're spun up like that?
What you know, I don't want to give it away, but like can you tell them what happens to help people re-regulate in the game itself?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So in the in in mightier, and this is why we have this as our focus because everything we're talking about here with managing intense emotions and being able, being able to handle them, like we're talking about a skill.
And part of why it is a skill is because in real life, when you're feeling really intensely angry or anxious or whatever it is, you're in that reactive state and your brain is working differently, right?
And so you can't remember, you can't access the information about like, oh, this is what I'm feeling, and this is what I should do to help myself calm down and handle this situation appropriately, right?
You're not in that state.
You can't access any of that.
So we have to build the skill of emotional regulation so that we can better handle our emotions and our reactions.
So in MITIER, we do this with biofeedback.
So we're keying into a player's heart rate.
And when your heart rate goes up, it means you're you're getting into a more intense, heightened emotional state, and the game is responding to that.
And so we use a lot of cues, like um, like I talked about like our the red zone or blue zone, which shows you, you know, is your heart rate up or down essentially.
And then the game that you're playing, just like in real life, things get harder when you're really angry.
So your goal is to bring your heart rate back down, regulate, get back to that state of calm, get back to that blue zone.
And there are different ways that you can do this.
Progressive muscle relaxation might be a way, deep breathing might be a way.
Maybe it's something you have your own strategy, but whatever it is, getting your heart rate down and calming your body down is what is going to help you move forward, play your game in Mighty Ear successfully.
In real life, handle whatever the situation is successfully, right?
So it is, but it's all about practice and it's a lot about repetition.
Um, because like any skill, you you don't just like think about it and talk about it and build the skill.
You have to practice the skill.
So that's that's how we handle that in Mighty Ear, and that's how we get kids to build that skill of emotional regulation.
It's just through practice and bringing your heart rate down over and over and over again as you play.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
And that was one of the things that's why I, you know, sent an email over.
I was like, this is so cool.
You know, how how neat that we can do this kind of thing now, which is why there needs to be an adult one.
But anyway, excuse me.
But can you explain to folks in case they're not aware of, you know, progressive muscle relaxation?
Do you mind to explain what that is?
And also one of the things that I think is notable is that I liked, you know, as a practitioner at the time, you know, CBT skills are very important, cognitive behavioral therapy, which you talk a lot about on here and what you have during summer camp.
But like box breathing.
It teaches box breathing and star breathing, you know, all these different kinds of breathing techniques where you trace around the outline of something and you breathe in or out depending on, you know, whatever that skill set is.
And I I love that all those great tools are already built in there where you, you know, a kid or whoever can probably Practice them.
So, but do you mind to explain what the progressive muscle relaxation is in case someone doesn't know?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So this is so remember we talked about how when you are feeling angry, your muscles get more tense, you're kind of you're holding that emotion physically in your body in a lot of ways.
So we need to release that.
And so progressive muscle relaxation is a you you can kind of start in different places, but you're gonna go through different body parts and squeeze and tighten really intensely for you know, if you're a little kid, five seconds.
If you're an adult, maybe 10 seconds, and then you're gonna relax and release.
So if we were to do this right now, I might start with my hands, right?
So I squeeze my fists together.
I make two fists, I squeeze really, really, really tightly.
You know, if you're listening, maybe do this with me.
I'm doing it right now as I'm talking.
I'm squeezing really intensely with my fists, and then I'm gonna release.
And you can like really feel the change in your hands, like the tension release.
And then you're gonna go, you might do that with your fists a few times, and then you're gonna go up to the next body part.
So you might choose your forearms and squeeze really intensely and release.
And you're just gonna do this all like through all your body parts.
You're gonna work down to your feet, you're gonna squeeze your face, right?
You're it's a really nice way to just force your body to physically relax, force your muscles to release and not be not hold that tension.
It's a really nice trick also for folks who have like a hard time falling asleep at night.
Like a lot of times you're still like a little wired and like you know, you feel that into your body, you still want to move.
Progressive muscle relaxation is a really nice tactic for helping your body relax as well.
So a lot of people do use it to help them fall asleep.
Yeah, and like I've heard it works for like restless leg syndrome.
My physical therapist was telling me that they practice that for people that suffer with that.
So yeah, I mean, I think it works wonderfully.
And I mean, you know, that's actually what I was doing when uh, you know, I I had that ironically, folks, a middle schooler hacked my Apple account.
So if you don't mind to help out and leave a review, that would be great.
Just be honest.
I I certainly appreciate it.
But he got my number down to like 3.1, and it was like 30 years of all of my efforts are down the drain.
And I was livid, and I don't really get angry, angry, but that's what I had to do to calm down because I was just like in a panic attack from it.
And I was like, what am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
And now what?
I don't know.
I I don't know.
And that was terrifying to go into the you know, anger, now what there is no solution, even after you know, time or whatever the situation was.
But that was the one thing that progressive muscle relaxation uh relaxation technique is the one thing that really makes a big difference for a lot of people.
So I really wanted to make sure that we hit that one hard so people knew what that was, so they could practice.
But kids, when they're sitting in a chair, like a desk at school, well, we would have them press down really, really hard on the bottom of their feet, and like it felt like they were like built like making holes with their feet in the ground and press down as hard as they can and then go up their legs that way.
The music teacher taught them that.
And so we started practicing it with them, and it really did work, you know, and kids started learning through that muscle memory of like this is the procedure.
You know, in school, we we don't have rules, we have procedures.
So by teaching that muscle memory of like this is what you do when you get angry, you do this.
And my ear helps reinforce that with the game, which is cool, and it's you know, it's screen stuff, which they love.
But you know, those kinds of you can be driving in your car, and if someone cuts you off, you could just start, okay, don't slam your feet on the gas or anything, please.
But you know, you know what I'm saying.
Like you can practice by you know holding the gear shift a little bit harder or something like that to kind of get that little bit of energy out of you.
And, you know, so okay, you know, that co-regulation also factor is super important.
And the co-regulation factor is that having somebody calm nearby, someone that you trust, and usually, you know, the person goes to someone who's angry will go to the first person they really trust to express their anger to.
So it's, you know, I usually say thank you when they do that and they freak out and they don't know what to do with that.
But having that calm adult nearby or someone they trust is so much more effective, you know, and and how is that more effective than trying to lecture a child at that moment?
Like to be that calm entity, to model that, you know, if okay, so let me ask you this actually.
Let me change my question.
So if a kid doesn't have that calm adult, you know, as we said, we're modeling these behaviors, you know, what could maybe the kid do on their own?
You know, could they maybe take like a stuffed animal or something or create that calm space?
Or what what might you like for your kids to make them have a calm space, what are some things that they can put in their area that can help them to calm down a little bit?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's uh that's a great question.
So and this would be like specific for each child, right?
Like it's really gonna depend on like what works for them.
But I do think so so there is some time here that uh you need to take in figure figuring out what works for this for each specific person.
Like, you know, we talk about like what's your toolbox, like you know, coping skills, like, but like really figure out what are the strategies or what are the actual physical tools that are helpful.
Yeah.
So some kids really need they need to like like going along with sort of like the release of tension, is like they need to like squeeze something really tight and then like let it go.
Some kids need to so other other tactics, things that you can do physically in, you know, in a space might be, I mean, like stress balls or anything that is you can hold like that and squeeze intensely, hug, like hug a stuffed animal, hug a pillow really intensely, let it go.
I don't know what this thing is called, but you know when you stand between like a you stand in a door frame and you put your arm push your arms out like really hard.
It's like obviously you can't move the door from you, but like you're like expending so much energy and doing that and then like enforcing yourself to relax.
And your arms float up when you get out of the door jam, and that's so cool.
So, yeah, that's a good one, y'all.
That's a good one.
Um getting doing things that are going to physically help you relax are key.
There's been research lately that like the like doing things that you like punching something, like punching a pillow, like that, actually like yelling more to get it out, like that actually doesn't really help calm you down.
You need to actually like do things that are going to physically relax you, like that is more effective.
Um so that is something to keep in mind.
But a caveat is that if you're a sports kind of or like Howard Gardner sports person, then you know, maybe you need all that physical, like in my case, when that kid ended up joining like the wrestling team and stuff like that, like he was had a you know a pretense for that sort of thing.
So yeah, so just I don't want to, you know, misspeak to anybody who may be like, well, well, I'm a sports person, I have to do that.
But yeah, if you're sports-oriented or physically oriented like that, then maybe you do need whatever that, you know, and and that's not what she's saying, folks.
She's saying, you know, sports are good, but yelling, screaming and carrying on and having a hissy fit isn't really that effective.
I think is exactly, exactly, right, exactly.
Go for the go for the run.
Go for the run, do the do the push-ups, yelling, screaming to increase is gonna like increase the anger, right?
But doing something that gets in but helps you relax and release the energy in like a productive way.
Like that's that's what you're going for.
Right.
And temp temperature is another big one.
I I know I talked about it already, but like I really love the temperature piece and bringing your temperature down somehow.
That obviously, if you're it's full, like you're not gonna go take a cold shower.
It's full.
So, like sometimes that you know, that one's not super accessible.
But take a trip to the water fountain, and you know, get the pass, be respectful.
But once you know, if you have a chance to go to the water fountain, you can always splash.
Well, I did that all the time, y'all.
Like sometimes I was about to kill it.
I was like, I'm gonna scream.
But I would just go to the water fountain and splash water on my face.
And then it helped.
It's something physical.
Like, also, guys, lemon heads are aces, like a little box of lemon, you're not gonna eat them all because you get so sick.
But if you eat a lemon head, lemon and citrus fruits can like snap you out of it really, really fast.
And something that I use, my personal hot tip, and I'm gonna ask you for one too, Jessica.
So start thinking, here we go, I'm putting you on the spot.
But my hot tip for dealing with my anger in a much more effective way is that before I send a dissertation email to someone who has done me wrong, and I'm explaining every single tiny little detail as to why you did me wrong and what I'm going to do about it, that may not be the most effective thing because people get angry with me.
So now I go to my little AI buddy and I say, I need to send this email.
This is what it's about.
Can you please help me?
And taking that time to re-regulate myself and it writes the gist of the email, I'll go rewrite it in my own way.
But just seeing a much more rational way of dealing with things, like for example, the hacker kid to my emails to Apple, you know, it was much better for it to write my emails for me instead of me just, you know, ruminating over the problem and not getting to the information they actually needed.
So it's a much more helpful thing for me and it keeps my neurodivergency in check.
So, okay, so Jessica, do you have a hot tip for dealing with anger more successfully in your life?
Yeah.
Well, the first thing that came to mind was that it's it's never a good idea to make a big decision when you're angry.
But so that's it, but that's not really talking about when you're dysregulated, right?
That's more of like I'm really angry and therefore I'm gonna like make a call on something.
You're probably not thinking super clearly in that moment.
So anger is really not the best time to make big decisions.
I would also say, I'm just gonna go back to the parenting thing and the the finding our own moment of regulation as parents, like taking that pause, taking that moment where you're like and for me, like really it's deep breathing that is the main thing.
Taking those deep breaths, like stepping, stepping outside of my own emotions for a second, calming myself down, and then so then I can better show up for my kids is like is a I I think a big thing, rather than like reacting and doing something that I'm gonna regret later or saying something I'm gonna regret later.
Yep.
Better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Isn't that Mark Twain?
So, but yeah, the you know, sometimes when we're reactionary, what we have to say is not gonna go over well, you know.
And so yeah, I think the deep breathing is a really, really good tool.
And I challenge all of you to to think about like what's the what is one thing that you can do better or make it more of a muscle memory that when you get upset, this is the go-to.
You know, eat a lemon head or do this, or also cough drops are good, like the little menthol that can work, or mentos.
But you know, fine, take some time today and think about what your thing is.
And I think that's really important.
And honestly, one of the greatest gifts that we can give children aren't fewer emotions or more understanding or less feeling.
You know, volcanoes aren't bad, like we were saying.
They simply need somewhere healthy for lava to go.
And, you know, maybe we do too.
So, all right, Campbells, we're gonna grab our snorkel.
Actually, never mind.
We're gonna talk about the submarine now.
We're gonna go on a little trip on a submarine.
So let's check this out.
We'll go somewhere different and then kind of see about this perspective.
This is a bit of a longer one today because we really want to examine anger as you know, many facets.
And I think it's something that's very relevant right now because a lot of people are looking for content on anger.
So we're just having a little fun with it today.
But I think hopefully you're getting some good tools.
And Steve, would you stop chewing on the periscope?
Gosh.
And absolutely positively do not bring that coconut warrior.
Do not put that down.
Too late.
He's here.
All right, buckle up.
We are now going to go deep and dive beneath the Pacific Ocean to make yet another silly metaphor about anger using the Pacific Ocean.
And not to look at whales or sharks or sea turtles, although we'd absolutely love to.
We are actually looking for something most people did not know exists.
Are you ready?
Dive on a little deeper, deeper, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop.
And now look outside your window.
And do you see that?
It's a mountain, an enormous mountain completely underwater.
And now look over there.
There's another one.
So imagine this in your brains, y'all, and another and another, and all these mountains underwater.
And would you believe, because I'm a nerd and I like to look up this stuff, that there are more than 30,000 underwater volcanic mountains, also called seamounts, scattered across the Pacific Ocean.
There's 30,000 of these things that we don't even know that are there.
We can't even see them.
30,000.
Most people have no idea they're even there at all because they never actually became islands themselves.
But the amazing part is that doesn't mean they failed.
It's actually quite the opposite.
Because as the great Pacific currents sweep across the ocean, you know, remember like crash and all that?
But right.
Okay, those underwater mountains quietly change the flow of the water.
Yeah, it's true.
The current starts to rise and cool, nutrient-rich water is carried upward, which is what, you know, the turtles like to float on.
Tiny plankton begin to flourish, right?
And little fish arrive to eat the plankton.
Then the bigger fish and corals start to grow, and sea stars start to cling to the rocks.
Manta rays glide overhead, and sea turtles like to take naps there.
So the entire underwater neighborhood system begins to appear.
And places that look completely empty and like some you know mountainous desert forest suddenly become full of life.
But nobody ever sees the mountain, never gets the credit.
So, but everyone benefits from what it creates.
So I love that.
And it reminds me that some of the most important things happening in our children's lives are happening where no one else can even see them.
Like confidence and courage and healing and the good stuff, like trust, hope, you know, all that.
I mean, sometimes honestly, I think that the greatest growth is happening beneath the surface.
So let's maybe think of that in our perspective system as well.
That sometimes we don't even see the really good stuff happening just below the surface.
So Jessica, I think so many parents worry when they don't immediately see change in their kids.
Do you want to talk for a second about like what emotional growth looks like beneath the surface?
Yeah, yeah.
I so a lot of it looks like a better understanding of ourselves, right?
So for your kids, they are on they are more in tune with their own emotions, why they feel, how they feel.
And again, we've we've talked about this more in other episodes, but like middle school is that time when kids are developing like this is new, that aw that self-awareness, like they are developing that, that awareness of other people, like they're navigating a lot of new stuff, and so they are they're trying to make sense of it, right?
So growth is going to be the awareness piece, the ability to make sense of themselves, how they're feeling, how they tend to react to things.
Like a lot of kids in middle school are struggling with self-esteem.
So seeing these moments of confidence, your child feeling very confident in themselves, proud of themselves, those are like those are signs of growth.
Those are things you're also like looking for, looking to help them build.
And then like your child's ability to like understand what works for them, like how you know in terms of today's episode, like what helps them feel better, what they need, what helps them calm down or manage a certain situation.
And all of those things are signs of growth and it's a process.
So it's not like they learn it and then they're graded it, right?
It's the middle school's the time, the years where that's gonna be building and growing.
And I mean, honestly, like that's growing our whole lives, right?
Like we're all learning that and growing in this way all the time.
But it's you know, these are some of the little things that you can look for.
Yeah.
Well, and celebrate the little victories in yourself and your kids, you know, little thing like it point it out.
Like make it, you know, when you see this stuff, be like, hey, you know, I really noticed that you took some initiative the other day when you did that.
I really love that.
You know, find something that the that they've done that, you know, if it just so you kind of teach that skill also of noticing things and saying, hey, I noticed that you did this, which people feel unseen most of the time.
So, you know, you can help them to start thinking that way about themselves and like, wow, I I took the initiative to go to that club meeting today after school.
And I wouldn't normally do that.
You know, instead of being mad that I'm jealous of not going because I was too scared to go, you know, that type of thing.
So, you know, those little victories I think are super, super important to help get over anger and bring back that, you know, little bit of joy that we need to counteract some of the angry feelings that we, you know, we go through.
So, but it's like, I mean, every once in a while something extraordinary kind of happens.
And, you know, one volcano keeps growing and growing, and then one day it reaches the surface and it becomes an island.
I mean, did you guys know?
Um I'm I used to be a science teacher, forgive me.
But did you know that Hawaii is actually still growing?
I learned this in that environmental science class and loved it.
Got so excited.
Deep beneath the Pacific Ocean is actually a young volcano, now called something I'm about to butcher.
Here we go.
Kama Ehhu Akanaloa.
Jessica, you want to try that one or no?
No?
You good?
Yeah, she's good.
All right.
But for many years, what I knew it as, scientists called it Loeihi, which simply means long.
But in 2021, its traditional Hawaiian name was officially restored.
Oh gosh.
I'm gonna try it again.
Kama, sorry, Hawaii, you guys listen, I love you so much.
Kama Ihu Aka Analoa.
Sure, why not?
But formerly known as Loihi, kind of like Prince.
I love that story because I mean the volcano didn't change, just the understanding of the volcano did, hence the new name.
So we finally stopped calling it by a simple description that really didn't define it in its originality.
So they started calling it by its story, and that's kind of stopped me in my tracks.
Like I it gave me food for thought as I was watching all this and and learning this.
That, you know, I started wondering how often do we do that with kids, though?
Like the angry kid, the difficult kid, the dramatic kid.
I just saw like three movies recently where they're like, oh, that's the bad kid, you know, and it's like you're just labeled as that.
And that's not it at all.
You're a passionate kid or an activist kid or someone who is a very protective kid.
So maybe like the volcano, we all had a deeper story the whole time.
In fact, I can almost promise you we do.
We just hadn't learned their name yet.
And sometimes the most important thing that changes isn't the child, it's just the way that we see them and how labels can be so powerful.
And I mean, how do labels shape the way kids see themselves?
I mean, it's pretty devastating sometimes in a negative way.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Like, and that is it happens all the time, right?
Where a child who like really struggles with uh maybe they struggle with keeping track of things, or maybe they struggle with like, you know, they're they're not the kid that shows up on time or they're like a little impulsive, and so they like jump, they you know, they say something in class like without waiting their turn, or they like cut ahead in line, right?
Like they're they're not trying to do anything wrong, but like that they get labeled as the kid who's not paying attention, the kid who doesn't follow directions, or the kid who's like, you know, whatever, like they get a label and that starts to impact how they see themselves.
And then now we're on this like negative spiral of how kids like because their identity is forming so much all the time, right?
And no one wants to see themselves in a negative light, no one wants other people to see them be see them in a negative light.
And especially if you're like, well, I didn't, I wasn't trying to do something wrong.
Like I didn't mean to do that.
And now other people are like assigning a label to you, or you feel like other people are assigning a label to you based on how they're reacting.
That can be really detrimental for kids' self-image, their self-esteem.
Yeah, it's not a good it's something that happens all the time, and it's something that we really want to be aware of and careful about when we are working with kids and talking with kids and responding to their reac their actions and their emotions.
Yeah.
Well, I was uploading some videos to YouTube the other day, and you have to put in little tags so people can find your work and whatnot.
And, you know, I was working on this list of like, you know, therapy, teaching, you know, all these different labels for this video.
And it totally had me thinking about kids.
And it's like, what if this sort of looks like that in their brain?
It's almost like little post-it notes with like this label, that label, this label, that label, and they're trying to work through them and be like, now what do I do?
You know, how do I are some of the, you know, what do I have more good ones or bad ones?
And it's like, it seems like, you know, their world is a giant kind of little tagboard of all these different things they've assigned to themselves.
And I think just asking them, you know, why, like in one case, like why might someone have given you this label?
What would make them think that?
Not that it was your fault, but why would they did they misconstrue something?
Is it a cognitive distortion?
What's going on?
And but also on the flip side, like when they analy, you know, analyze themselves, you know, do I deserve this label?
Is this something that I want to be an identifying label for me?
Is it that important or what?
And and so it's just the power of a word.
And words are you know just the way that we label something.
So and so again.
Giving them less power to their words, I think, can sometimes also help.
And you know, I think middle schoolers need good conversations about the labels they put on themselves so they can understand that it's not so definitive.
You know, I think that's important.
But I don't know.
There was actually one something else that did amaze me.
You know, remember those two kinds of lava, the pohoihoy and the smooth, slow and all that, and the aha, which was that sharp jagged one?
Same lava, different journey, all that.
Well, people are kind of like that too.
I mean, some children show us their anger immediately, and some are kind of quiet, you know, beneath the surface.
So some become islands that everybody can't help but notice, and others stay underwater mountains and quietly supporting life around them.
And nobody's wrong, and no one has failed, and they're just growing in all different ways.
And, you know, like that girl Moana, that was a professional surfer, you know, she said something really beautiful, and I wrote it down.
I thought it would let me get it.
Okay, says, you know, she was just talking about how surfing isn't just a sport, that it's part of Hawaiian culture.
And then she said it was just so awesome.
Okay, here it says the ocean connects the islands.
I was like, oh, because most people see like oceans as a barrier between things.
She sees it as a bridge, and that's how she was taught.
So I couldn't help thinking about that sentence because volcanoes build islands, race relationships connect the islands.
So that's kind of exactly what families do.
I mean, each of us is our own little island with different personalities and strengths and critters, hopefully, and different worries and all that kind of stuff.
But relationships and connection and belonging are those currents that keep us together.
You know, without the ocean, these islands become really isolated and hard to get to.
I mean, think about the trench that is under the ocean.
But, you know, without that connection, our strength can become loneliness.
And without belonging, our courage has nowhere to grow and develop and someone attend that garden of weedy thoughts.
So I've spent more than 20 years trying to understand middle schoolers in every way, shape, and form, and mostly sociologically, because as a group, they do interesting things.
And I had so much individual care that, you know, I try to look at it from every angle possible because that's the way I can understand.
And if I had to summarize everything I've learned, I think it would simply be this people grow best when they know they belong.
And I think that's something that I'd like to have you take with you today.
Jessica, I want to thank you so very much for joining us today to get into this deep dive on anger and to have our little fun trip to Hawaii.
And next week, folks, it's the end of summer camp and we are going to be having our campfire.
So, Jessica, are you gonna join us for the campfire?
Yeah, let's do it.
Let's do it.
Oh, awesome, awesome, awesome.
Well, we and sadly have to put down our mock tails now and go back to reality as we know it.
But tell y'all folks, you know, stop, regulate, listen.
That's that's I mean, vanilla ice had it spot on right then and there, best advice ever.
So give it a shot.
Stay clever little foxes, keep asking now what, and help those kids to understand their anger and to harness it in the most productive way possible because that can also be destiny.
Just a thought.
Once again, thank you, thank you, thank you, Jessica Ryania.
We appreciate you from Mightyer, and we will see you on our very last socio-emotional learning summer camp.
Don't forget you can go over to Mightyer.com if you want to check out what they have over there.
It's super cool.
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Folks, I appreciate you.
Once again, stay clever, little foxes.
And Steve, put down the stinking coconut, would you?
Ay, ay, yay, son.
Take care, all.
We'll see you soon.