How to Build Better Social Media Habits to Improve Your Mental Health w/ Dr. Aaron Balick

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<v Speaker 1>You have to find your way to your formula by having failures along the way.

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<v Speaker 1>Until you try things out and do them well, or don't do them well, you don't really know.

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<v Speaker 2>Dr Aaron Ballack what he's going to teach you about success and the psychology of how we flourish, how you deal with social media and the image you put out there into the marketplace, demystifying the whole work-life balance and get the mind to work right.

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<v Speaker 1>The way you react to obstacles and failures in your life is completely going to dictate whether success opens up for you there.

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<v Speaker 1>You got to know your freak out.

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<v Speaker 1>If you know your freak out, you're well ahead of the game.

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<v Speaker 2>Dr Aaron Ballant psychology, social media, leadership, technology you're going to get blown away.

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<v Speaker 2>So, aaron, most of my listeners and viewers are trying to work out what is success to them.

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<v Speaker 2>How do you define success?

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<v Speaker 1>Well, the way you put that question, what is success to them, I think, is the really important part, right?

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<v Speaker 1>So for me, success is a highly, highly individual thing, and the way to success goes straight through self-knowledge and intense honesty with the self.

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<v Speaker 1>I would say brutal self-honesty, but it has to be compassionate.

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<v Speaker 1>And brutal self-honesty because you need to face up to what your challenges are, but you also really need to be compassionate with yourself, and there's a balance between those two things.

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<v Speaker 1>But if you don't know yourself and most of us don't, and it's a thing that goes, you know, processed throughout our whole lives you can be gunning for a success that isn't actually yours, right?

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<v Speaker 2>I have to ask you, though, when you said know ourselves.

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<v Speaker 2>I've always been interested in the debate of do we know ourselves or do we create ourselves?

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<v Speaker 2>What's your thoughts on that?

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<v Speaker 2>Because this is like you're the expert on this stuff.

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<v Speaker 2>You give me the thoughts.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I think we come with a lot of ready wiring right and then there's a lot of stuff that we can develop along the side.

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<v Speaker 1>So it's like basic coding, I think, is pretty, pretty kind of fixed.

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<v Speaker 1>So the stuff that you're generally really good at, the stuff that you're not so good at, can be developed and shifted, and we do change over time.

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<v Speaker 1>But you are kind of a being in the world that has a history, has habits, so there is stuff to know and there is stuff to develop.

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<v Speaker 1>So it got maybe a waffly answer to your question, but we do come a lot pre-packaged but there's a lot of room for improvement and change.

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<v Speaker 2>So back to the original question how do you, as Dr Aaron Malik, how do you define success for yourself personally, so we can learn from that?

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<v Speaker 1>Yes, so my success has developed in different ways over time and I think in many ways that your listeners will experience right.

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<v Speaker 1>So for me, success is multifactorial, and by that I mean it happens on different levels.

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<v Speaker 1>So you can have financial success, health success, relational success, social success, reputational success and failures and all of those different things right.

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<v Speaker 1>And when you really bring on board true self-inquiry and true self-honesty, then you can kind of find those levels that are being met and the levels that aren't being met.

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<v Speaker 1>And the really tricky area is when you find the ones that maybe used to be met but don't work anymore.

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<v Speaker 1>This often comes up with midlife crisis kind of material, like I've done everything right, but I still feel like there's this gap going on.

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<v Speaker 2>Are you noticing midlife crisis is getting younger and younger?

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<v Speaker 2>I'm noticing people having midlife crisis in their twenties and thirties these days.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I mean that might be a good thing, right?

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<v Speaker 1>Because the way to avoid a midnight midlife crisis is to keep your awareness on board the whole time, right?

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<v Speaker 1>So you're always shifting and pivoting according to how you're developing over time, right?

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<v Speaker 1>So if you're asking yourself those questions when you're younger, then hopefully you avoid getting yourself into a trap where it becomes a crisis.

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<v Speaker 1>I do think there's another side to that and maybe we could save that for another conversation, but where the kind of the overstimulation that young people are receiving and all of the social media and all the technology can actually get in the way of a focus, right?

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<v Speaker 1>So, actually knowing a direction that you go in, so it's too easy to be-.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm going to dive into social media in a little bit.

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<v Speaker 2>I want to go then to for you personally.

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<v Speaker 2>Where do you think you chose success as your level in life?

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<v Speaker 2>Did you just start it as a kid?

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<v Speaker 2>Was it just natural with your family?

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<v Speaker 2>Where did you choose success?

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<v Speaker 1>Yes, so it changed for me.

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<v Speaker 1>So I came from a family that really prized and rewarded sort of academic prowess.

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<v Speaker 1>You know which I kind of parade around behind me with all of these books, right?

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<v Speaker 1>But actually I wasn't actually so good at it.

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't do badly in school but I didn't do well enough for their standards.

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<v Speaker 1>And when I got to university I did well enough to get into university.

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<v Speaker 1>When I got into university I found out that I was really, really interested in stuff, and that's when things started to change.

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<v Speaker 1>So I was motivated by that interest.

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<v Speaker 1>But the achievement complex if I could use some words from psychology the achievement complex was really there.

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<v Speaker 1>So whatever I did, I had to do really well and I ended up going into academia and I ended up getting the perfect job in academia.

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<v Speaker 1>So I work in this really kind of niche area of psychology called psychoanalysis.

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<v Speaker 1>There's not many university courses that do just that.

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<v Speaker 1>I got a job in that like running a program in that, and I was really unhappy.

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<v Speaker 1>Like every year, I was more and more unhappy.

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<v Speaker 1>I also had a private practice on the side, but I realized that I had achieved my super ego success right, which is what you inherit from your parents or your culture that says this is what you should do to get everything right.

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<v Speaker 1>And it wasn't working and it was only with the failure of all of the expected success that came along that I found I needed to break out of that and do something not completely different, but quite different from that, and that was a great release.

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<v Speaker 1>So now my success looks completely different because I could give a.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know what language is allowed.

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<v Speaker 1>I could give a rat's bottom for that kind of achievement.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm Australian, so you can speak.

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<v Speaker 2>Australian on this.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, People say sorry for the French.

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<v Speaker 2>I never hear the French swearing the Irish, the Australians, the Italians, not so much the French.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and they sound beautiful when they're doing it as well.

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<v Speaker 2>So give us your perspective, then, on the formula for success to happen, like, what are the things that are the ingredients, I guess, for someone to have success in their life?

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<v Speaker 1>Okay.

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<v Speaker 1>So the bad news to that question is that you have to find your way to your formula, and the only way that you find your way to that formula is by bumping into a few walls along the way, right, and having failures along the way, because until you try things out and do them well or don't do them well, you don't really know.

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<v Speaker 1>So so long as it's an idea in your head, it's easy, and you start to pursue that idea in your head, it's when you get the knockback that the kind of opportunity slash, dead end starts to happen, because then you have a choice, right.

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<v Speaker 1>It's like does this mean and then we go into fixed mindset and growth mindset, stuff like does this mean that I'm just no good at stuff, so I should just give up?

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<v Speaker 1>Does this mean I need to develop another skill in order to get through it, or does this mean I need to move in another direction?

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<v Speaker 1>And there isn't necessarily a single right answer to those questions, but there are ways that you can find it for yourself.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, so you touched on failure and success.

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<v Speaker 2>What's your view on the relationship between the two?

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<v Speaker 1>I don't think that you can have success without failure, because that is part of the process of finding your way there.

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<v Speaker 1>I also don't think you can necessarily judge success on outcome, which I think is a little bit weird for a lot going on right.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, covid is like a really good example.

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<v Speaker 1>You could have done everything right.

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<v Speaker 1>You don't predict a pandemic.

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<v Speaker 1>Something fails that doesn't mean you're a failure right.

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<v Speaker 1>So you need failure to kind of to kind of inform that.

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<v Speaker 1>But the way you react to obstacles and failures in your life is completely going to dictate whether success opens up for you there.

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<v Speaker 2>There was one of your videos where you talked about getting to know yourself better as a sign of success or that moving you towards success.

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<v Speaker 2>Elaborate on that for me, because I think that was a unique thing.

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<v Speaker 1>So there's this concept that I found really, really super helpful.

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<v Speaker 1>It comes from an old psychoanalyst called Carl Jung.

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<v Speaker 1>Some people might have heard of him, but he talked about us all having superior and inferior functions, right?

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<v Speaker 1>So just think about that as handedness If you're really good with your right hand, you don't work as well with your left hand, unless you're super lucky and happen to be ambidextrous, right.

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<v Speaker 1>We're like that with skills as well, right?

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<v Speaker 1>So we tend to lean into our superior skills.

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<v Speaker 1>So if you're a good communicator and you're in a job where you're communicating, you're leaning into your superior capacity, and that's this great thing, right.

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<v Speaker 1>And then if somebody hands you a spreadsheet and you don't know what the hell to do with it, right, that's your inferior capacity.

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<v Speaker 1>Talk about myself here.

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<v Speaker 1>Right, there are numbers involved that's my inferior capacity.

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<v Speaker 1>Now, we all have superior and inferior capacities and we need to lean into our superior ones because they help us feel skilled and confident.

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<v Speaker 1>But if we don't develop enough the inferior ones, then we don't get fully rounded.

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<v Speaker 1>And the trouble is that some people end up stuck in work where there's too much requirement to work from the inferior side, so you're always feeling de-skilled and you're always struggling.

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<v Speaker 1>Inferior side.

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<v Speaker 1>So you're always feeling de-skilled and you're always struggling.

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<v Speaker 1>Or you've leaned so much on your superior side that when the inferior requirement comes along, you're not good enough at it or you don't know how to delegate at it.

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<v Speaker 1>So I'm kind of switching your idea of failure and success to inferior and superior, because that's how you learn your way through.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, I'm good at this, so I'm going to do this, and I either need to skill up on the inferior or I need to delegate and find someone who I can trust to help me with my inferior.

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<v Speaker 1>But you cannot just lean on the superior and forget the inferior or you're going to be in trouble, and I can say like really almost 100% of the time that's how people end up in trouble.

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<v Speaker 2>You're on the Big Success Podcast.

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<v Speaker 2>We're going to be back.

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<v Speaker 2>Dr Aaron Ballack is going to talk to us about flourishing social media and leadership when we come back.

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<v Speaker 4>Marketing is the lifeblood of a business and when done right, it's a phenomenal investment.

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<v Speaker 4>It's profitably buying lifetime customers.

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<v Speaker 4>How you get prospects to identify themselves as needing you is what Raise your Hand Marketing by Brad Sugars and Josh Bradsley is all about.

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<v Speaker 2>Getting your suspects to become prospects and raise their hand to say I'm ready to engage with you and we're back, aaron.

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<v Speaker 2>Iq versus EQ.

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<v Speaker 2>Firstly, if you could explain to everyone that concept and then help us understand how career success relates to both.

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<v Speaker 1>Right.

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<v Speaker 1>So there are different kinds of intelligence and IQ is kind of the most famous one, which is like about how you measure intelligence, right, eq.

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<v Speaker 1>Another idea which is emotional intelligence, how the soft skills they call it I don't think they're particularly soft, but how you relate to people, whether you're seen as conscientious or trustworthy, communication skills, all that stuff, and there's this great research that was done that, I think, just illustrates this perfectly and let's just see if I can say it really quickly.

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<v Speaker 1>But basically, they took a bunch of people who sell insurance and in order to sell insurance, you have to pass a test that says that you know the product well enough to sell it.

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<v Speaker 1>So they took two people one group of people just missed the test, right, just missed the cutoff for actually knowing enough about the product.

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<v Speaker 1>The other group of people all passed the test.

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<v Speaker 1>They tested both of these groups for emotional intelligence and optimism, right, and they took the optimistic group who failed the test, against the group who passed the test, who tested less optimistic, which is a measure of emotional intelligence, right?

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<v Speaker 1>Can you guess how much more insurance people sold who didn't pass the insurance IQ test?

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<v Speaker 2>I'm gonna guess it's a lot more, because otherwise the story is quite boring.

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<v Speaker 1>Exactly right.

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<v Speaker 1>It's like it's something like 20% more, but a year after that it jumps to about 50%.

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<v Speaker 1>And the reason why it jumps to 50% after a year is because they learned the details of the IQ part across that year.

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<v Speaker 1>But their belief in themselves and their ability to communicate with people make people feel warm were the points that made things happen, much more than just knowing the details of the product, and I think just that's a really good anecdote to see how that kind of works.

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<v Speaker 2>So back to a point I've seen you discuss before about how knowing how to relate to other humans and again that starts with knowing yourself just has a different trajectory to someone who doesn't know how to relate to humans.

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<v Speaker 2>Can you explain, maybe, why that's the case, or how that's the case?

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<v Speaker 1>Well, the thing is that everything in life is relational, whether you like it or not your relationship with your accountant, your coworkers, your seniors, your juniors, your family members and that sort of thing.

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<v Speaker 1>And if you are good at interpersonal complexity, dealing with conflict, dealing with getting on with people, hearing the nonverbal, regulating, so like when people are freaking out, bringing it down and when people are bored, bringing it up, all of that kind of stuff, it makes all of that other stuff easy.

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<v Speaker 1>It's just like the insurance thing right, skills are super important.

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<v Speaker 1>But if you can't get those skills through a system and the systems are always people then you're going to be hindered.

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<v Speaker 1>So that's where you see that trajectory move in different directions.

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<v Speaker 2>So talk to me then, about the triggers factor of work, because I think that's also another area where I love listening to many of your ways of pushing that.

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<v Speaker 2>I guess learning out triggers is possibly the thing.

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<v Speaker 1>Yes.

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<v Speaker 1>So, like I say, you got to know your freak out.

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<v Speaker 1>If you know your freak out, you're well ahead of the game, right?

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<v Speaker 1>So whenever you freak out about something, it will feel the same to you.

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<v Speaker 1>So, say, you're really vulnerable to criticism, right?

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<v Speaker 1>So you do a presentation and someone criticizes you and you go and you freak out.

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<v Speaker 1>I should have done that.

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<v Speaker 1>A freak out is this buzz in the head, right?

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<v Speaker 1>Whenever you're in freak out, you are triggered and you are actually disabled from making better decisions and learning from it.

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<v Speaker 1>So as soon as you know what the triggers are for your freak out and it's going to be different for people, for some it's being exposed, for some it's not being exposed, right.

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<v Speaker 1>But as soon as you know what it is, all you have to do are kind of learn the tricks to back away from it so you're not in that buzz and that you can make a better decision.

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<v Speaker 1>So, like, receiving an email that makes you really angry is a really good example of that.

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<v Speaker 1>You step into freak out, you react to that email.

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<v Speaker 1>You make things worse because you reacted from inside the freak out, right.

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<v Speaker 1>So you think, oh, I'm freaking out, I'm angry because this guy really bugs me and he says just the kind of thing that bugs me.

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<v Speaker 1>So I'm not going to answer this until I calm myself down and come back to it is are there any easy things to do to back yourself out of your triggers there?

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<v Speaker 1>are.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean the problem is you is we're working uphill because the easiest thing Spend hours on the couch with a doc yeah, that definitely helps a lot.

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<v Speaker 1>The easiest thing is to be angry back or whatever it is, so to try and stop doing that.

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<v Speaker 1>But it's always about regulation, right?

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<v Speaker 1>So if you're regulated up, you're thinking really hard, your heart's beating really anything to break that.

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<v Speaker 1>So that could just be getting out of the office and going for a walk, it could be taking some very deep breaths, it could be doing something physical.

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<v Speaker 1>But you have to come horizontally at it.

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<v Speaker 1>You can't answer the problem inside the problem, right.

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<v Speaker 1>So if you're in the freakout, you can't answer it.

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<v Speaker 1>In the freakout I always say, oh, I should have said this or I should do this.

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<v Speaker 1>No, no, no, get right outside of that, do what works best for you to do that and then come back when you're downregulated.

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<v Speaker 1>And that almost always means getting away from that situation.

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<v Speaker 1>And it can happen in a meeting too.

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<v Speaker 1>You just have to be, you know, you just have to excuse yourself in a nice kind of way.

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<v Speaker 1>But if you feel like it's happening there, it's just like why don't we just break for 10 minutes and come back?

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<v Speaker 1>And you can solve a lot of problems just by doing things like that.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah yeah, the timeout is a wonderful aspect of it.

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<v Speaker 2>So leadership then, if we look at becoming better leaders, how does knowing myself help me be a better leader?

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<v Speaker 1>So we come back to these superior and inferior things.

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<v Speaker 1>So knowing what you're good at means that you can manage that better and getting support for the stuff that you're less good at.

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<v Speaker 1>It also helps you identify that in the people that you're leading right.

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<v Speaker 1>So if you know somebody, yeah, somebody's a really great creative person if they have time on their own, but they're going to break down if they have to do, you know, a brainstorm in a group.

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<v Speaker 1>To know that about that person and to support them to be their best is a really great leader.

00:16:48.458 --> 00:16:58.158
<v Speaker 1>So you don't ask them to do that sort of thing or you help support them to develop a better way of doing those sorts of things and being able to apply your own self-knowledge to the people around you.

00:16:58.158 --> 00:17:04.219
<v Speaker 1>The solutions aren't identical, but the kind of the invitations for how you deal with it are pretty close identical.

00:17:04.239 --> 00:17:05.941
<v Speaker 2>But the kind of the invitations for how you deal with it are pretty close.

00:17:05.941 --> 00:17:10.588
<v Speaker 2>How do I, as a leader, though, adapt myself to every single team member?

00:17:10.588 --> 00:17:16.877
<v Speaker 2>Is that something that I'm not sure it's that easy?

00:17:16.877 --> 00:17:18.788
<v Speaker 2>I find some days where I can take into account and other days where I can't.

00:17:18.788 --> 00:17:20.015
<v Speaker 2>Is there a way to make me do that, or train myself to do that?

00:17:20.015 --> 00:17:20.714
<v Speaker 2>It?

00:17:20.815 --> 00:17:32.542
<v Speaker 1>wouldn't really be good actually, right, Because if you're adapting yourself to everyone around you, you're losing your sense of yourself, right, and then they're also not getting yeah, they're also not working through conflict and difference.

00:17:32.542 --> 00:17:34.365
<v Speaker 1>And conflict and difference is really creative.

00:17:34.365 --> 00:17:38.887
<v Speaker 1>So it's fine so long as it's respectful and recoverable.

00:17:38.887 --> 00:17:46.936
<v Speaker 1>It's even fine when things kind of break down a bit If you're emotionally intelligent enough to identify that, fix it and learn from it and move on.

00:17:46.936 --> 00:17:48.923
<v Speaker 1>So everybody should be their own person.

00:17:48.923 --> 00:17:51.619
<v Speaker 1>That doesn't mean they all have to be on the same page the same way all the time.

00:17:51.619 --> 00:17:53.045
<v Speaker 1>That would be really boring, I think.

00:17:53.335 --> 00:17:53.576
<v Speaker 2>Got it.

00:17:53.576 --> 00:17:59.135
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I even last night with my kids three of my five kids it was like all right.

00:17:59.135 --> 00:18:00.679
<v Speaker 2>The dogs chewed the plant.

00:18:00.679 --> 00:18:02.742
<v Speaker 2>How do I back myself out of this?

00:18:02.742 --> 00:18:07.663
<v Speaker 2>And I have a friend of mine named Pete and he I always think of him as peaceful Pete and it's like all right.

00:18:07.663 --> 00:18:12.098
<v Speaker 2>I got to turn into peaceful Pete right now because the dogs killed the plant.

00:18:12.098 --> 00:18:13.261
<v Speaker 2>Now I'm going to deal with the kids.

00:18:13.261 --> 00:18:21.184
<v Speaker 2>There's an interesting part of what you teach around wellbeing in the workplace with psychology.

00:18:21.184 --> 00:18:28.779
<v Speaker 2>Can you take me more into that, because I think a lot of people need to understand just how much it is important today.

00:18:29.602 --> 00:18:32.798
<v Speaker 1>I mean, I think it's one of the most important things and this is like well beyond.

00:18:32.798 --> 00:18:39.381
<v Speaker 1>Like having a mindfulness session in the morning, right, or having some sort of number you can call.

00:18:39.381 --> 00:18:46.045
<v Speaker 1>Right, we spend so much of our time in work that work is a very particular expression of our creative self.

00:18:46.045 --> 00:18:48.459
<v Speaker 1>Right, you're there eight hours, like.

00:18:48.459 --> 00:18:54.498
<v Speaker 1>If you are not doing that in a good enough way, that is a recipe for unhappiness.

00:18:54.498 --> 00:18:57.726
<v Speaker 1>Right, for yourself, for the people around you, for the company.

00:18:57.905 --> 00:18:59.478
<v Speaker 1>And what are companies for?

00:18:59.478 --> 00:18:59.858
<v Speaker 1>Right?

00:18:59.858 --> 00:19:07.126
<v Speaker 1>They're, yeah, they're for making money and making a living, but they're also for how people have relationships and what they're doing and hopefully doing something that they're interested in.

00:19:07.126 --> 00:19:27.729
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, so when you reconceive of the workplace as a place for a certain kind of personal development and that does not mean setting up a therapy couch in the break room and sorting everybody's neuroses out Right, but that within the limits of a workplace, you say we want people to thrive and flourish here and that this will also help us be a better workplace.

00:19:27.729 --> 00:19:39.147
<v Speaker 1>How do we integrate that into one big thing with all of these kinds of skills, rather than just solving the problems when they go wrong or sending somebody off to a counselor when they burn out.

00:19:39.147 --> 00:19:47.355
<v Speaker 1>You want to make it a psychologically intelligent, emotionally intelligent space for the widgets and for the people making the widgets.

00:19:47.575 --> 00:19:54.009
<v Speaker 2>What's one of the top two or three things that I can do as a leader of my organization to make sure I'm doing that?

00:19:55.096 --> 00:19:56.883
<v Speaker 1>Wow, that is a really good question.

00:19:56.883 --> 00:20:11.067
<v Speaker 1>I think the hard answer to that question is you need to find out what you're doing well and what you're doing not so well, and then you need to really be open to hearing that right, Because you're going to be defensive.

00:20:11.067 --> 00:20:14.709
<v Speaker 1>We all are right and that could be some kind of a 360.

00:20:14.914 --> 00:20:16.398
<v Speaker 2>Oh yeah, you love 360s.

00:20:16.398 --> 00:20:18.083
<v Speaker 2>It's like boom, boom, boom.

00:20:18.083 --> 00:20:20.007
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, that's great, I feel good about myself.

00:20:21.935 --> 00:20:25.955
<v Speaker 1>They have to be done well, right, because a lot of these things are kind of formulaic, right.

00:20:25.955 --> 00:20:44.019
<v Speaker 1>But if it's held well and you're listening and everybody can be impacted and learn from it, I think that's the key, and I think particularly for leaders, because they hold a lot to get personal, really good emotional support, whether it's a mentor or coach or whatever to help them find the ways to get that information and how to build it in.

00:20:44.019 --> 00:20:45.441
<v Speaker 1>Love it, love it.

00:20:45.761 --> 00:20:47.443
<v Speaker 2>We'll be back on the Big Success Podcast.

00:20:47.443 --> 00:20:53.171
<v Speaker 2>We're going to dive into technology and social media and how psychology impacts you in those fields.

00:20:54.174 --> 00:20:57.546
<v Speaker 4>Dr Aaron Bailick is a leading voice in the public understanding of psychology.

00:20:57.546 --> 00:21:05.781
<v Speaker 4>His groundbreaking book the Psychodynamics of Social Networking made him an international authority on the psychology of social media and technology.

00:21:05.781 --> 00:21:09.669
<v Speaker 4>To learn more about Dr Aaron Bailick, please visit aaronbailickcom.

00:21:10.494 --> 00:21:11.036
<v Speaker 2>And we're back.

00:21:11.036 --> 00:21:17.088
<v Speaker 2>Hopefully you've subscribed Dr Aaron Ballant technology social media.

00:21:17.088 --> 00:21:19.518
<v Speaker 2>It's messing with our heads.

00:21:19.518 --> 00:21:21.619
<v Speaker 2>Help me understand.

00:21:21.619 --> 00:21:24.545
<v Speaker 2>You know, how can I get better at?

00:21:24.545 --> 00:21:30.993
<v Speaker 2>You know, taking care of myself with all of these things that are around and part of my life today?

00:21:31.795 --> 00:21:33.340
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, how many hours have we got, brad?

00:21:33.340 --> 00:21:34.780
<v Speaker 1>I know not many, right?

00:21:34.780 --> 00:21:39.325
<v Speaker 1>Look to keep it as brief as possible, right?

00:21:39.325 --> 00:21:49.029
<v Speaker 1>The main thing is that we kind of we have a psychological extension of ourselves into the digital world and it matters.

00:21:49.029 --> 00:21:51.944
<v Speaker 1>This is why you can't just say turn it off or come away from it, right?

00:21:51.944 --> 00:21:56.075
<v Speaker 1>The thing is, it doesn't do this extension very well.

00:21:56.075 --> 00:22:21.269
<v Speaker 1>So we relate to other people through technologies, whether it's social media or email or texting or whatever, and I think the main thing that I would like to transmit is you have to identify what a technology is good at doing and what it's not good at doing, and use it for those purposes and find other ways to do the other stuff, because if you want to get into a really nuanced discussion with someone through Twitter, you're just in trouble, right?

00:22:22.316 --> 00:22:24.182
<v Speaker 2>Yeah the old, so don't do it.

00:22:24.182 --> 00:22:27.522
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, face your problems, don't Facebook them, type thing.

00:22:28.807 --> 00:22:32.223
<v Speaker 1>Exactly, so identify what needs to go Sorry go ahead.

00:22:32.295 --> 00:22:34.703
<v Speaker 2>No, tell me more about that Identify.

00:22:36.575 --> 00:22:39.625
<v Speaker 1>Identify what needs to happen in a face-to-face meeting.

00:22:39.625 --> 00:22:41.982
<v Speaker 1>Identify what would be better in a phone call.

00:22:41.982 --> 00:22:46.664
<v Speaker 1>Do not go by the default settings on all of your technological devices.

00:22:46.664 --> 00:22:51.465
<v Speaker 1>Set it in a way that supports you to do the work that you're doing, so do not multitask all of that kind of stuff.

00:22:51.465 --> 00:22:53.078
<v Speaker 1>This is again the self-knowledge thing.

00:22:53.078 --> 00:23:00.907
<v Speaker 1>It's like if I know I'm going to get distracted by notifications for emails coming in, then I need to shut down my email client while I'm working.

00:23:01.295 --> 00:23:06.440
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, we have a rule in all of our companies that you cannot deal with a negative on email.

00:23:06.440 --> 00:23:13.307
<v Speaker 2>If something looks like it's going to blow up, pick up the phone, just get straight on that phone, because it's a simple rule.

00:23:13.307 --> 00:23:17.090
<v Speaker 2>But, oh my God, it saved us a lot of relationships over the years.

00:23:17.090 --> 00:23:31.317
<v Speaker 2>So one of the things that there was a speech you gave where you discussed how social media we're putting out an image of ourselves, and it's rarely the negative image of ourselves.

00:23:31.317 --> 00:23:35.329
<v Speaker 2>It's usually here's the best version of me possible in the world.

00:23:35.329 --> 00:23:39.861
<v Speaker 2>How is that impacting us, and especially our younger people in the world?

00:23:40.803 --> 00:23:45.821
<v Speaker 1>So the trouble isn't so much that you're making an image that you're putting out in the world.

00:23:45.821 --> 00:23:52.317
<v Speaker 1>In a sense, that's what we do all the time in different environments.

00:23:52.317 --> 00:24:03.955
<v Speaker 1>The trouble is when we kind of start to believe that and start to identify with it right, and then you start to neglect all of the other stuff that's going on and you start to buy other people's images as well, and it's hard to do.

00:24:03.955 --> 00:24:10.938
<v Speaker 1>But if you can really hold in mind what this is all about and that it's not the whole picture yours or anybody else's it's a much healthier thing.

00:24:10.938 --> 00:24:22.721
<v Speaker 1>The thing is, when you're on it all the time and it's in your pocket, and especially when you're younger and you're growing up with it, it's very easy to believe in that image and believe in other people's images, and you just don't get the whole person.

00:24:23.383 --> 00:24:25.487
<v Speaker 2>How do we make sure we don't do that, then?

00:24:25.487 --> 00:24:32.867
<v Speaker 2>What are some of the things we can do personally, and for me as a parent, with my kids, and for even my 20-year-old daughters?

00:24:32.867 --> 00:24:34.479
<v Speaker 2>How can they not buy into that?

00:24:34.479 --> 00:24:37.446
<v Speaker 2>Is there a way to do that, to protect yourself from it, or not really?

00:24:38.055 --> 00:24:46.942
<v Speaker 1>Well, I think the simplest way is to put some limits on it, right, so that you're not spending all of your relational energy happening that's mediated through technology.

00:24:46.942 --> 00:24:50.634
<v Speaker 1>The more difficult one and I think this gets more difficult the younger you get.

00:24:50.634 --> 00:24:59.144
<v Speaker 1>I think this is why we get ghosting and all sorts of not very nice the way people back out of relationships just by not responding to people anymore.

00:24:59.144 --> 00:25:02.739
<v Speaker 1>It's the practice of interpersonal complexity, right?

00:25:02.739 --> 00:25:06.554
<v Speaker 1>So how do you manage conflict with a real person in real life?

00:25:06.554 --> 00:25:07.416
<v Speaker 1>Just like your rule, right?

00:25:07.416 --> 00:25:12.961
<v Speaker 1>You don't send a negative email, you call somebody in the room and you try and work it through and identifying that.

00:25:13.060 --> 00:25:28.518
<v Speaker 1>Actually, you need to have a strong enough muscle to deal with all of the difficulties of just being interpersonal with people and not make it easier by doing it on social media or circumventing it by having all of your social life on social media or technology.

00:25:28.518 --> 00:25:28.818
<v Speaker 1>Right?

00:25:28.818 --> 00:25:33.662
<v Speaker 1>So long as you have enough good, nutritious relationships outside of social media, you can play all you like.

00:25:33.662 --> 00:25:38.097
<v Speaker 1>If you're getting your relational nutrition from social media, you're going to be in trouble.

00:25:38.940 --> 00:25:50.964
<v Speaker 2>You know, when we look at high performance I want to just switch up just a little bit when we look at high performing people, what are some of the characteristics you're noticing that are showing us?

00:25:50.964 --> 00:25:56.686
<v Speaker 2>These are some of the emotional or psychological sides of people that really do perform at a high level.

00:25:57.755 --> 00:26:02.144
<v Speaker 1>So I would say tolerance of all developing, a tolerance of all forms.

00:26:02.144 --> 00:26:09.161
<v Speaker 1>So like a tolerance of anxiety, for example, yeah, if I'm intolerant of anxiety, I'm going to avoid things that make me anxious.

00:26:09.161 --> 00:26:11.675
<v Speaker 1>Therefore, I can't grow in those areas that make me anxious.

00:26:11.675 --> 00:26:19.878
<v Speaker 1>Right, if I'm intolerant of the pain of working hard, it's going to be really hard for me to knuckle down and do work.

00:26:19.878 --> 00:26:20.660
<v Speaker 1>Right?

00:26:20.660 --> 00:26:29.019
<v Speaker 1>If I'm intolerant of of needing, not being able to, not look at the notifications when they're dinging, then I'm going to be distracted all day long.

00:26:29.019 --> 00:26:35.724
<v Speaker 1>So actually, yeah, a tolerance for things that are hard, I think is a pretty universal trait in people that succeed.

00:26:36.214 --> 00:26:37.598
<v Speaker 2>Well, hey there, and thanks for listening.

00:26:37.598 --> 00:26:43.640
<v Speaker 2>I've noticed that 78% of people are brand new to the channel, which means you haven't subscribed yet, which is fantastic.

00:26:43.640 --> 00:26:44.521
<v Speaker 2>It means we're growing.

00:26:44.521 --> 00:26:51.134
<v Speaker 2>But if you hit that subscribe button, it helps us bring on even better guests, better quality of content, and serve you better.

00:26:51.134 --> 00:26:55.743
<v Speaker 2>Building your success is simple Hit the subscribe button, help us grow.

00:26:55.743 --> 00:26:57.008
<v Speaker 2>We're going to help you grow.

00:26:57.008 --> 00:26:59.820
<v Speaker 2>I love one of your words flourishing.

00:26:59.820 --> 00:27:06.022
<v Speaker 2>If you can give us your definition of flourishing, and what do we got to do to be in that space?

00:27:06.022 --> 00:27:07.547
<v Speaker 2>So how do we get to that place?

00:27:09.775 --> 00:27:20.038
<v Speaker 1>So you have to imagine yourself as someone for whom success needs to come at a lot of different angles, right?

00:27:20.038 --> 00:27:26.258
<v Speaker 1>So flourishing is one who is not just succeeding on the financial side, but failing on the relational side.

00:27:26.258 --> 00:27:35.846
<v Speaker 1>Flourishing means that there's enough stuff coming in to succeed on all of these different things Health, relationship, happiness, rest, play, creativity.

00:27:36.415 --> 00:27:37.279
<v Speaker 2>Is that possible?

00:27:37.279 --> 00:27:39.701
<v Speaker 2>By the way, Is it possible to be that good?

00:27:39.974 --> 00:27:48.688
<v Speaker 1>I mean no, no, no, not all the time, but it is possible to kind of say which tanks are full and which tanks are empty and what do I need to pay attention to.

00:27:48.688 --> 00:28:02.122
<v Speaker 1>And if you're a workaholic and your work tank is always full, then it really helps to be like I really need to take my foot off that accelerator and put it somewhere else before something else collapses, Because usually people wait till it collapses.

00:28:02.122 --> 00:28:04.481
<v Speaker 1>So it's always going to be like this.

00:28:06.218 --> 00:28:09.636
<v Speaker 2>So is monitoring those tanks a part of the flourishing formula.

00:28:11.380 --> 00:28:19.743
<v Speaker 1>I think that's exactly it Monitoring the tanks and being able to change your attention from one to the next to know what's important in life.

00:28:19.743 --> 00:28:31.507
<v Speaker 1>Sometimes the thing that's closest to us is the most important, when actually something's being neglected at the same time, and that's why some kind of regular check-in practice on the factors that are most important when actually something's being neglected at the same time, and that's why kind of some kind of regular check-in practice on the factors that are most important to you.

00:28:31.507 --> 00:28:35.365
<v Speaker 1>They could be community, they could be at home, they could be work, they could be spiritual.

00:28:35.365 --> 00:28:40.759
<v Speaker 1>Whatever they are, how do you check in on them, see what your tanks are and what they need, and the people around you as well?

00:28:41.500 --> 00:28:42.644
<v Speaker 2>Your perspective then.

00:28:42.644 --> 00:28:47.296
<v Speaker 2>Do we all have the same tanks, or do we define our tanks as we grow, go through life?

00:28:47.296 --> 00:28:48.057
<v Speaker 2>How does that work?

00:28:49.038 --> 00:28:52.566
<v Speaker 1>I think we basically all need the same sorts of things.

00:28:52.566 --> 00:28:58.666
<v Speaker 1>We may need more or less of it depending on who we are, but I think we all need relationships.

00:28:58.666 --> 00:29:02.621
<v Speaker 1>We all need to be engaged in something interesting, that sort of thing.

00:29:02.981 --> 00:29:07.596
<v Speaker 2>Got it, so the size of the tank might differ, but we probably all have the similar tanks.

00:29:09.019 --> 00:29:11.223
<v Speaker 1>We all have similar needs.

00:29:11.223 --> 00:29:15.633
<v Speaker 1>Yes, not the same depth of need, but we all have some.

00:29:15.633 --> 00:29:23.220
<v Speaker 1>All the basic needs are pretty human to everyone, but some people might not have a drive for success, for example, which is their tank.

00:29:23.220 --> 00:29:25.086
<v Speaker 1>To like be a billionaire might not be there.

00:29:25.086 --> 00:29:27.584
<v Speaker 1>They might be happy if they're comfortable, right.

00:29:28.295 --> 00:29:32.487
<v Speaker 2>So three final areas, two of them big and one of them fairly easy.

00:29:32.487 --> 00:29:40.305
<v Speaker 2>If I'm in a negative place right now, what's one of the first two or three things I can do to start moving myself into a positive place?

00:29:42.015 --> 00:29:54.923
<v Speaker 1>Okay, you have to assess what that negativity is about, because it could be more than two things, but for time, one thing could be you're talking yourself down into a spiral which isn't very helpful, kind of a self created negativity.

00:29:54.923 --> 00:30:04.130
<v Speaker 1>Another one, which often comes up as a dread, means that there is something going on with your life that is communicating to you that it needs to not be going on anymore.

00:30:04.130 --> 00:30:08.875
<v Speaker 1>And to ignore dread continues that situation right.

00:30:08.875 --> 00:30:11.467
<v Speaker 1>So listen to the dread, listen to the negativity.

00:30:11.467 --> 00:30:12.412
<v Speaker 1>What is it saying?

00:30:12.412 --> 00:30:17.326
<v Speaker 1>You're probably avoiding it because it involves some risk or some change that scares you.

00:30:17.326 --> 00:30:23.224
<v Speaker 1>It's usually a little bit better to be scared and uncomfortable than depressed and uncomfortable.

00:30:23.224 --> 00:30:28.963
<v Speaker 1>So I always say, if it's a choice between more depression or some fear, fear is usually the direction to look at.

00:30:29.304 --> 00:30:30.906
<v Speaker 2>Head to the fear, love it, love it.

00:30:30.906 --> 00:30:38.929
<v Speaker 2>If I'm in a good place and I want to get to great, what should I focus my attention on in the immediate future?

00:30:39.736 --> 00:30:40.056
<v Speaker 1>Okay.

00:30:40.056 --> 00:30:52.323
<v Speaker 1>So I'd say, first, be really grateful that you're in a good place, yeah, and then ask yourself what's great going to do for me, what does that look like and what do I need to get there?

00:30:52.323 --> 00:30:55.958
<v Speaker 1>Right, because, again, we're always thinking about motivation, right?

00:30:55.958 --> 00:30:56.901
<v Speaker 1>So why the great?

00:30:56.901 --> 00:31:04.115
<v Speaker 1>Because, and then, if that answer is good enough, that answer starts to motivate you towards great, and then that helps you get through the grit, right.

00:31:04.115 --> 00:31:07.301
<v Speaker 1>That helps you get through the tolerating the difficult stuff along the way.

00:31:07.742 --> 00:31:09.386
<v Speaker 2>The because has got to be strong.

00:31:09.386 --> 00:31:09.887
<v Speaker 2>Love it.

00:31:09.887 --> 00:31:13.401
<v Speaker 2>Final question and it's got to be yours.

00:31:13.401 --> 00:31:15.465
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I fell for that as a young man.

00:31:15.465 --> 00:31:20.324
<v Speaker 2>I put up the dream chart with boats and all of these things and I don't love boats.

00:31:20.324 --> 00:31:22.367
<v Speaker 2>I know I'm not a boat guy.

00:31:22.367 --> 00:31:32.421
<v Speaker 2>I married a boat person, though she loves boats and yachts and it's like all right, I guess I'm going to have to learn to love boats and yachts, but it wasn't my thing, it just wasn't.

00:31:32.421 --> 00:31:36.288
<v Speaker 2>But as a young person, I think we fall for that.

00:31:36.288 --> 00:31:39.865
<v Speaker 2>Is there a way for a young person to not fall for that in your mind?

00:31:40.974 --> 00:31:50.058
<v Speaker 1>Not really, because you receive information from society about what you're supposed to like and what's supposed to be good and from your family, and you generally adopt that wholesale and that's why this failure thing is so important.

00:31:50.058 --> 00:32:01.778
<v Speaker 1>So when you just start moving in that direction and it's not satisfying it, you really have to listen to that and say, even though this is my, the map that I was given, if it's not right, at some stage you have to identify that and build your own map.

00:32:01.778 --> 00:32:06.539
<v Speaker 1>And that does tend to come a little bit later in life, unless you're super lucky and super aware.

00:32:06.701 --> 00:32:15.665
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I'm very lucky, my eldest, having five kids I get to see you know the joy of my work over a 20 year period of mine and my wife's work.

00:32:15.665 --> 00:32:25.071
<v Speaker 2>But she's a very strong young lady who's chosen a path different to the map I would have given her and it's like as much as I fight that I'm like.

00:32:25.071 --> 00:32:26.692
<v Speaker 2>Excellent work, dad.

00:32:26.752 --> 00:32:37.086
<v Speaker 1>you've helped her define her what she wants, sort of thing, absolutely yeah oh, it's a challenge, but it's still uh it is a challenge and that's part of the challenge.

00:32:37.086 --> 00:32:41.401
<v Speaker 1>Right to disappoint people, disappoint parents, go contrary to social expectations.

00:32:41.401 --> 00:32:46.922
<v Speaker 1>If that's really going to be the match that's going to make you flourish, it takes courage to move in that direction because it's risky.

00:32:46.922 --> 00:32:48.444
<v Speaker 1>If it's not conventional, that's for sure.

00:32:48.444 --> 00:32:50.228
<v Speaker 1>Love it.

00:32:50.448 --> 00:32:56.346
<v Speaker 2>Final question Best quote or best advice you ever got on success?

00:32:57.315 --> 00:33:05.442
<v Speaker 1>I really like this quote by Hillel, who was a rabbi like 2,000 years ago, who said I get up, I walk, I fall down.

00:33:05.442 --> 00:33:06.901
<v Speaker 1>Meanwhile I keep dancing.

00:33:07.836 --> 00:33:10.503
<v Speaker 2>Dang, we could ponder on that one for years, couldn't we?

00:33:12.695 --> 00:33:17.917
<v Speaker 1>Life is a dance and you can't avoid failure, you know, so you might as well just keep dancing while you're going forward.

00:33:18.358 --> 00:33:20.684
<v Speaker 2>Excellent, you're on the Big Success Podcast.

00:33:20.684 --> 00:33:23.776
<v Speaker 2>We're going to be back next week with more of your success.