Girl, Forgive Them!

Music intro [Sponsor message]
Todays Girl Which Way show is brought to you by Shaleea Speaks. Shaleea Speaks is the brand that covers me Shaleea the Author and Speaker. All of my books and work is housed under it. You can Purchase my books from
amazon.com
, Apple, Barnes and Noble, Walmart, or wherever books are sold. Check out
ShaleeaVenney.Com
to learn more about Shaleea the author and speaker, hire Shaleea for help with your content or writing needs, see what I’m up to, or just to get a good word. My team is standing by now. tell them Girl Which Way Sent You!
Speaking intro​
: ​"Hello and welcome to The Girl, Which Way?! Podcast. The show that exists because
life is a journey but you still need direction.
Grab your girls and get ready because each episode we will be talking about our real life issues, answering questions, and building solid relationships with one another as we heal and learn.
I'm your host, your girl, Shaleea Venney and today’s show is a special show because we asked our listeners what you’d like us to talk about and this show was suggested by one of our most loyal listeners Grecia. SO, Today’s show is all about forgiveness. We'll discuss the ins and outs of Forgiveness and how to Let Go of the hurt when someone has wronged you. Girl Which Way would also like to send a special shoutout to another one of our favorite listeners our girl Madison in West Virginia. We see you and love you for listening. Grecia and Madision, please reach out to us on Facebook because you have both won an Amazon gift card thank you for being members of our Girl Way Nation. It’s just that easy! Will you be next?
Topic #1: Duration
:(Trust Vs Mistrust)
Main point:
You know what a messed up feeling is? Being hurt and betrayed by someone you were supposed to be able to trust. Nothing stings and lingers quite like it. It could be. A parent, friend, spouse, relative…. Anyone you feel close to really. You allow yourself to feel something and to be vulnerable only to have it blown up in your face and to feel like a fool. You’re embarrassed. You feel stupid and caught off guard. You’re disgusted and heartbroken. You vow never to let anyone else get the best of you in such a way again. It’s a coping mechanism, you burn your hand, surely you’re not going to touch the fire again. Nothing wrong with protecting yourself but it is something wrong with holding onto the unforgveness. On this show, I want to speak to you about that hurt and resentment and I want  you to have an open mind and an open heart so that we can move past it and cleanse you of this resentment. It’s time to let to go babe. It’s not easy, and it takes effort on your part but it can be done. Let’s do the work.
Topic #2: Duration:
( How Unforgiveness shows Up)
Main point
If you haven’t forgiven them yet, it’s because you’re still not over it.
First of all, I want to say STOP expecting you from other people. You are so busy wanting to see them for who they could be that you often lose sight of who they actually are. Because you are kind and genuine and honestly want what’s best for everyone, you expect this from others in return and most people today just aren’t capable of this kind of morality, integrity and loyalty. You give them too much leeway. That is the main reason you feel so betrayed. You would never behave In such a way, so you can’t fathom that someone else could- and at your detriment. You expect too much from others and that’s why you’re always disappointed. Sit back and watch others, let them show you who they are before you decide to show them who you are.
I want to identify some of the ways unforgiveness shows up in your life. Be honest about which one resonates with you.
You’re petty and impulsive
When interacting with the person who you struggle to forgive, do you make little back handed remarks and comments? Do you send them passive aggressive text messages? Are you constantly going back and forth with them? Where has it gotten you? You’re still powerless because you have not forgiven them.
What to do instead:
If you have to deal with them. Pause before engaging with the person. Sometimes a moment is all you need to let your common sense kick in and override your emotions. Think about it. Is your discussion going to improve things, or just take the edge off of your hurt for a moment before the regret comes back? Is it even worth discussing?
Y
ou’re desperate to make them understand how you feel
In your mind does the conversation sound like this?
“If the person who caused me pain could only see what they’d done, they would want to say they were sorry. I have to make sure they know how they made me feel, then I can have closure” I HATE TO TELL YOU, BUT CHANCES ARE THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY”VE DONE AND HOW YOU FEEL AND BECAUSE THEY ARE TOXIC, THEY DON”T CARE. IF A DECENT AMOUNT OF TIME HAS PASSED AND STILLL NO APOLOGY OR SECOND THOUGHT, YEP, THEY KNOW AND DON’T CARE!
What to do instead:
It’s hard to swallow, but the person may never own up to what they’ve done. You’re going to need to learn to be ok with it because if you spend your life waiting for closure, you’re going. Acceptance and letting go are key aspects of forgiveness.
Y
ou’re compulsive
You can’t control what someone has done to you, but you can control how you move so that you don’t go down a terrible spiral into compulsive activity. Your compulsiveness can come out in a few ways and you may not even realize you’re doing it. Maybe for you it’s cleaning like crazy trying to keep your space spotless, perhaps you’re constantly checking social media of the person who wronged you, or you start buying stuff you wouldn’t normally buy or things you generally don’t need. You might start comfort eating. Basically doing anything you can to distract yourself from your pain because It makes you feel better.
What to do instead:
You need to pull away. Is what you’re doing helping you to heal?
You’re not taking responsibility for your feelings
Do you ever find yourself
blaming
the person you cannot forgive for your feelings? Understand that when you choose unforgiveness, what you’re actually saying to the person who has wronged you is :
“”Not only are you responsible for what you did to me, but you are also responsible for how I reacted and responded to what you did. You are responsible for my unhappiness and my inability to move past it.”
What to do instead:
It sounds different when you hear it out loud this way right? But this is exactly what you’re doing. You have given them way too much power over you and you need to take it back. Only you are responsible for your reactions and feelings. Pull your power back.
You hate yourself
If you’re stuck in unforgiveness, you are probably experiencing a toxic combo of guilt, shame, self-judgment, and self-sabotage. You blame yourself for being so stupid and letting this happen to you, you hate that you let them get so close.
You may not even realize that you’re being so hard on yourself
What to do instead:
This isn’t helping at all. It happened. The only way out now is to forgive yourself and love yourself just as you are right now.
You replay the scene over and over…and over
You find yourself lying awake in bed at 2 a.m. replaying events that happened weeks, months, or years ago. Every time you replay the events in your mind, your feelings of resentment grow.
Sometimes, you find yourself fixating so much on the past that you allow it to define everything you do thus, you can’t fully see the future. For instance, if your heart was broken in a past relationship, you may have consciously decided to let people in only so far, even someone you may have grown to love deeply and who is actually deserving of you, you’ll never know though because you’ve shut out any real opportunity to have something real because you are stuck.
You gossip about them
It’s natural to want to return the hurt to those who have hurt us.
One of the most common ways we do this is through gossip. We tell their secrets or even spread hurtful lies about them behind their backs.
Why are you gossiping? Because you’re still hurt. They’ve moved on but you’re stuck. No need to go on the smear campaign. Just let it go. Walk away. They don’t deserve any more energy.
You exercise poor judgment
If someone’s hurt you in a significant way, you may engage in unhealthy or risky behavior as a form of self-medication. Think of the cheated lover who engages in a string of unhealthy relationships or the humiliated person who goes on a spending spree.
What’s worse is that we justify our actions with a false sense of self-care. While self-care is a hugely important part of letting go of unforgiveness, actions that provide short-term relief but long-term harm are not acts of self-care.
You refuse to confide in others
Reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness. In fact, you may be withholding forgiveness because you believe it might cause you to appear weak in the eyes of others.
But if the hurt is overwhelming, it may be helpful to share your feelings with a trusted friend—in a non-gossipy way of course. The difference here is that when you gossip, you focus on the person you’re upset with and what they did instead of focusing on your own feelings and owning how you feel.
Just sharing your feelings can provide relief and perspective. It may free you from some of the hurt and help you move on from the resentment.
What to do instead:
Identify two or three people you could confide in and reach out to one of them
today
. Don’t think about, don’t second-guess the people you thought of. Just reach out.
Topic #3: Walking Away From The Hurt
Main point
So we’ve been talking about unforgiveness and the many ways it shows up to ruin our lives. It hurts and it can stay with us. It can become apart of us- IF we let it. Understand that what someone does to you has nothing to do with you. People are free and clear to make their own  decisions and their actions are their own, even when their actions break your heart. People can be messed up for all sorts of messed up reasons, who knows what they are dealing with and what resentment they are holding on to that they need to heal from. This is not an excuse, we’re not going to just give them a free pass. If we’re being honest though, perhaps we should see them as a cautionary tale. Hurt people hurt people and if you’re such a hurt person, that you hurt someone who meant you well, your story is even more tragic than we thought. Do you really want to let them make you become one of these hurt people? Do you really want to become one of those people who continues the cycle of dysfunction all because some scum bag of a human did you wrong? Nope!
First things first.
Acknowledge
that the person hurt you and address how it made you feel. Be honest with yourself, write your thoughts down if you have to. You need to be fully present and accepting of what has happened if you’re going to heal. No more denial.
Forgive
yourself for everything. Whatever part you played. That you couldn’t stop it sooner, forgive yourself for being in this predicament, and forgive yourself for still having love in your heart for the person who has wronged. You’re not broken, you’re just someone who truly cared and it can be hard to turn off your feelings just because you’re hurt. It is possible to forgive someone, never want to see them again, AND still have love for them. Forgive yourself.
Feel-
Be pissed off. Be mad. Cry! Yell, scream! Do whatever you need to do but stop suppressing your feelings about it. Once you unpack your feelings, you can store them where they rightfully belong, OFF of your heart and into your vault of life experiences as lessons learned.
There is a Chinese proverb,
If you’re going to pursue revenge, you’d better dig two graves, which is saying to me: your resentments will destroy you. Today, make the choice, to let it go. Do your work and out it away.
Only you will know when you have begun to heal and it might seem like a slow grueling process but there is a silver lining.
Here are 5 Ways You Can Tell You’ve Begun to Heal
1.Your thoughts are more positive and calm.
One day, you find yourself not so stuck on the pain and resentment anymore. It’ll feel like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders.
2.
Life will feel like it’s getting better
. You’ll start Feeling Happier and looking forward to your future. Your heart will feel lighter.
3. Your health starts changing for the better.-
You begin sleeping better, you don’t have the headaches, tummy aches, sleepless nights, or anxiety that you used to.
4.
You Stop Caring
- No longer are you trying to prove your case to anyone. You don’t care what anyone thinks anymore. You’re not hellbent on hurting the person who hurt you, if you had the chance to get revenge on them now, you wouldn’t even take it. Your’e just over it for all the right reasons. It feels good. No more bitterness.
5.
You relationships with other people are getting better, and you are getting better.
Your energy and mood has shifted! You’re radiating light and love and it’s attractive and contagious .People want to be around you. You’re so much more open to everything beautiful life has to offer.
Now! Isn’t that the narrative you want on your life???
Outro: Duration:
( Conclusion ) “Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” ~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. It’s not easy to forgive but the alternative is worse. Unforgiveness is like a cancer. It plagues your body, mind and spirit until it consumes you and there’s no space left for anything good. Make the choice to move on and set yourself free. It’s time.
[Sponsor message] Todays show was brought to you by Shaleea Speaks, The Author and Speaker division of ShaleeaVenney. Please rate the show on your streaming platform and share it with one person who you think needs to hear it and ask them to do the same.
Remember, good better best, never let it rest, till your good is better, and your better is best.  Until next time.. Your friend and motivator- Shaleea Bye