The Dad Link

Darrell Snow
00:00:02
Hey, welcome back to another episode of the Warrior Spirit, the show where the inner warrior shines in their light.
Darrell Snow
00:00:07
Brought to you by Praxis 33, the company that aligns your thoughts, goals and actions to create your best life.
Darrell Snow
00:00:12
I'm your host, Darrell Snow.
Darrell Snow
00:00:16
Today we're going to be talking to some fathers out there.
Darrell Snow
00:00:20
Parents often are, when people talk about parental issues, a lot of times they talk about it from the mom's side.
Darrell Snow
00:00:29
And today we're going to talk about it from the dad's side.
Darrell Snow
00:00:33
I have Michael Feynman.
Darrell Snow
00:00:35
Michael is the founder of dadlink.
Darrell Snow
00:00:37
It's an organization that's designed to empower fathers to develop a stronger and more intentional relationship with their children of all ages.
Darrell Snow
00:00:45
And we just are grateful for you, Michael.
Darrell Snow
00:00:47
Thank you for joining us.
Michael Feynman
00:00:50
Good to meet you.
Michael Feynman
00:00:51
Good to see you again.
Darrell Snow
00:00:53
Good to see you.
Darrell Snow
00:00:54
And dadlink, that's, that's an interesting name for the, the company.
Darrell Snow
00:01:00
Can you explain the.
Darrell Snow
00:01:01
The.
Darrell Snow
00:01:02
The name?
Michael Feynman
00:01:03
Yeah, yeah.
Michael Feynman
00:01:05
You know, Darrell, the, the, the link that connects family to God is the dad, right?
Michael Feynman
00:01:14
It's the father in heaven to the father and the family to the family.
Michael Feynman
00:01:19
And statistically, it shows that if the father goes to church, the family is somewhere around 70% more likely to go to church.
Michael Feynman
00:01:26
If the mother goes, it's about 15%.
Michael Feynman
00:01:29
So that's where the link part came in.
Darrell Snow
00:01:32
That's a definite discrepancy.
Darrell Snow
00:01:37
Where did you get your start?
Darrell Snow
00:01:38
As I know that you're a father first, you're also a faith based motivational speaker.
Darrell Snow
00:01:46
You, you know, bring people on this transfer, transformational journey.
Darrell Snow
00:01:52
But first and foremost, you're a father.
Darrell Snow
00:01:54
But where did you begin when you were your.
Darrell Snow
00:01:58
The son?
Darrell Snow
00:01:59
Where did your beginnings come?
Michael Feynman
00:02:02
Yeah, man, I have been in business most of my life.
Michael Feynman
00:02:06
Been in sales, marketing, business development, things of that nature.
Michael Feynman
00:02:10
But I've always been an encourager.
Michael Feynman
00:02:12
And one of my favorite people to listen to was Les Brown.
Michael Feynman
00:02:17
I love Les Brown.
Michael Feynman
00:02:18
I used to listen to him all the time.
Michael Feynman
00:02:20
So I met somebody as I was starting to kind of make videos, and I knew that I had a calling to help other fathers because I had experienced and overcome so much in fatherhood, through divorce and through lots of things that I'm sure we'll discuss today.
Michael Feynman
00:02:37
And I had the opportunity to meet Les Brown on the phone and I connected with him.
Michael Feynman
00:02:43
We made a great connection.
Michael Feynman
00:02:44
We actually ended up starting a company together called the Les Brown Prodigy Program.
Michael Feynman
00:02:48
And when I told my friends, hey, I connected with Les Brown.
Michael Feynman
00:02:51
I'm going to work with him.
Michael Feynman
00:02:52
I was so Excited.
Michael Feynman
00:02:53
And they said, yeah, that makes sense.
Michael Feynman
00:02:55
And I'm like, no, no, no, you don't understand.
Michael Feynman
00:02:57
This is Les Brown.
Michael Feynman
00:02:58
I'm so excited.
Michael Feynman
00:02:58
You know, I love this guy.
Michael Feynman
00:03:00
They're like, yeah, this makes sense.
Michael Feynman
00:03:01
You're our Les Brown.
Michael Feynman
00:03:03
You're the guy around us that's our Les Brown.
Michael Feynman
00:03:05
So to us this makes perfect sense.
Michael Feynman
00:03:07
And so that really drove me.
Michael Feynman
00:03:10
And when I met with Les, he's probably one of the best encouragers I've ever met in my life.
Michael Feynman
00:03:15
And in our meeting when we were starting the business, he said, I think we're here for you.
Michael Feynman
00:03:19
I don't think we're here for me at all.
Michael Feynman
00:03:20
And so that was really cool.
Michael Feynman
00:03:22
And he just kind of lifted me up and gave me the confidence to move forward.
Michael Feynman
00:03:27
And not even knowing with what I was developing with him that I would be coaching with him.
Michael Feynman
00:03:32
And we had several thousand students in a course that we were coaching together.
Michael Feynman
00:03:35
And it was a lot of fun.
Michael Feynman
00:03:37
I learned a lot.
Darrell Snow
00:03:38
That's amazing.
Darrell Snow
00:03:40
I told you off camera, you know, I had always wanted to meet Zig Ziglar.
Darrell Snow
00:03:45
He was the first in the personal development space.
Darrell Snow
00:03:48
Les was around at that same time.
Darrell Snow
00:03:51
So Zig and Les were two big influences on my personal development arc.
Darrell Snow
00:03:57
And um, it's kind of cool for me because now I'm friends with someone who worked 20 years directly with Zig Ziglar and now someone who worked directly with Les Brown.
Darrell Snow
00:04:07
So that's what you're telling me.
Darrell Snow
00:04:08
I get to geek out a little bit on the idle side.
Michael Feynman
00:04:12
I mean, I love that world of self help, but when you bring it to the truth and the, and the, the bottom line of wisdom and where all of this self help kind of training comes from, it's all biblical.
Michael Feynman
00:04:25
And so when you really realize that and give credit where credit's due, it's pretty easy to flow in this in my mind, for me, anyway.
Darrell Snow
00:04:34
Well, what's interesting about your journey is that you were not like a lot of people who come into a Christ centered or Christ based field, come from it, from the standpoint of Christianity was the doctrination of their household.
Darrell Snow
00:04:51
It was how they were raised.
Darrell Snow
00:04:53
You weren't raised in a Catholic or a Christian type household, were you?
Michael Feynman
00:04:58
No, I was born and raised Jewish actually.
Michael Feynman
00:05:01
And it's, it's funny, I would often say I became a believer later when I found him.
Michael Feynman
00:05:05
And then I always correct myself and say, yeah, when he found me.
Michael Feynman
00:05:09
And yeah, I, you know, coming from Judaism, which is very religious rule driven type, you know, religion and Then coming into the freedom of understanding who Jesus is and, and following him and becoming a follower of him.
Michael Feynman
00:05:27
People want to put you in a box.
Michael Feynman
00:05:29
Oh, are you non denominational?
Michael Feynman
00:05:31
Are you Baptist?
Michael Feynman
00:05:31
Are you this?
Michael Feynman
00:05:32
No, I'm just Jesus.
Michael Feynman
00:05:34
I just follow Jesus.
Michael Feynman
00:05:35
You know, I'm just a guy who loves to follow him and what I believe in is him.
Michael Feynman
00:05:40
And it.
Michael Feynman
00:05:42
People short circuit, even in the Christian community, they really want to put it in a box.
Michael Feynman
00:05:47
But I don't.
Michael Feynman
00:05:48
I'm not a religion guy.
Michael Feynman
00:05:49
I'm a Jesus guy.
Michael Feynman
00:05:50
And a lot of people would agree and a lot of people would disagree that there needs to be some sort of strict doctrine.
Michael Feynman
00:05:56
But the word of God is the word of God, and so I just follow that and it makes it easy for me.
Michael Feynman
00:06:02
Man, Darrell, it's, it's a breeze for me to walk in that because I came from what, you know, Judaism was and how strict it was.
Darrell Snow
00:06:10
So where did you actually grow up?
Darrell Snow
00:06:12
And what was a childhood like in a, in a Jewish faith?
Darrell Snow
00:06:15
I'm not Jewish myself, so I'm not familiar with that.
Darrell Snow
00:06:19
What was that kind of childhood like?
Michael Feynman
00:06:21
So I grew up a little bit different.
Michael Feynman
00:06:23
I really wasn't in my home most of my life.
Michael Feynman
00:06:26
I was in boarding schools from 7 to 15.
Michael Feynman
00:06:29
Different places, different schools, different institutions and things like that.
Michael Feynman
00:06:35
So, you know, I grew up around Judaism.
Michael Feynman
00:06:40
I went to synagogue some, but I wasn't really heavy into it.
Michael Feynman
00:06:43
And at the time, my family was a little bit more what you would call reformed rather than conservative.
Michael Feynman
00:06:48
And with that, we focused more on, you know, the holidays and Sabbath and things like that.
Michael Feynman
00:06:56
So I understood it.
Michael Feynman
00:06:57
And then when it came time for my bar mitzvah, I actually had mano, and I was studying the portion that I was to read in the Torah, which is what happens when you're 13 and, and go through your bar mitzvah.
Michael Feynman
00:07:10
But I was sleeping all of the time, and my parents were really mad at me and thought I was being lazy and, you know, kind of cut it down from this big event to a little event.
Michael Feynman
00:07:19
And then at the end of the bar mitzvah, when we went home for my party, I went to bed and they went, wait a minute, something must be wrong.
Michael Feynman
00:07:27
And we found out I had mana the whole time.
Michael Feynman
00:07:29
So for me, the experience of Judaism and synagogue and all of those things was not very positive, honestly.
Michael Feynman
00:07:36
I was part of usy, which is United Synagogue Youth Group.
Michael Feynman
00:07:39
I was trying to connect, but I never felt the presence of God.
Michael Feynman
00:07:44
I never understood that you could have a relationship with God and So it was just a very different upbringing.
Michael Feynman
00:07:51
Although I love the culture, I love the memories, I love all of the traditions, I love the people.
Michael Feynman
00:07:59
I mean, Jews are just some of the most loving, close knit, unafraid to be themselves and show emotion.
Michael Feynman
00:08:07
A group of people that I've probably ever been connected to.
Michael Feynman
00:08:10
And so I consider myself a completed Jew because I never want to lose that connection.
Michael Feynman
00:08:17
And I also consider myself to have the double blessing because I'm Jewish and I'm a believer and I follow Jesus.
Michael Feynman
00:08:23
So I really feel like that's been a huge benefit to me.
Darrell Snow
00:08:27
When, when did you.
Darrell Snow
00:08:33
I don't want to say reform or convert.
Darrell Snow
00:08:35
I don't know the right word, which is bad for a wordsmith to not find the right word.
Darrell Snow
00:08:41
When did you, like, was there a dark period between your hallways of Judaism and your connection with Christ or did you just go right from one to the other?
Michael Feynman
00:08:54
No, there was a gap.
Michael Feynman
00:08:55
There was many years when I just didn't pay attention to God at all.
Michael Feynman
00:08:59
And I was on my own at 15 years old.
Michael Feynman
00:09:02
I had my own place.
Michael Feynman
00:09:03
I was in high school, I was working.
Michael Feynman
00:09:07
And it wasn't till about 15 years later when I married my son's mother and she had converted to Judaism.
Michael Feynman
00:09:13
But I think she did that more to just assimilate with my parents.
Michael Feynman
00:09:17
And we had the wedding.
Michael Feynman
00:09:20
And then maybe a year into the marriage or a year and a half, she realized I don't really practice and she wanted to go to church.
Michael Feynman
00:09:27
She was a believer before and had converted.
Michael Feynman
00:09:29
So I said, well, go ahead, you know, have at it, but I'm not going.
Michael Feynman
00:09:35
And so Sunday mornings they would go to church and I would go fishing in my boat.
Michael Feynman
00:09:39
And it was pretty cool.
Michael Feynman
00:09:41
I liked it actually.
Michael Feynman
00:09:42
And then eventually she convinced me to at least come and try to support the kids in church.
Michael Feynman
00:09:48
And I went to a place here that was a big non denominational church and it was pretty cool.
Michael Feynman
00:09:54
Like they had a.
Michael Feynman
00:09:55
It was almost like listening to a Les Brown.
Michael Feynman
00:09:58
It was a very practical message, something I could apply to my life.
Michael Feynman
00:10:02
I didn't understand the biblical part.
Michael Feynman
00:10:03
I loved the worship music.
Michael Feynman
00:10:05
That was fantastic.
Michael Feynman
00:10:06
As somewhat of a musician myself, I really enjoyed that.
Michael Feynman
00:10:11
And I, it wasn't so bad.
Michael Feynman
00:10:13
I said, okay, I'll go sometimes.
Michael Feynman
00:10:14
And.
Michael Feynman
00:10:14
And that went to going all of the time.
Michael Feynman
00:10:17
But I'll tell you, I went for seven years before I gave my life to Christ.
Michael Feynman
00:10:20
And the reason being is I was watching this walk of Christians that I could see that was so hypocrisy, so filled with Hypocrisy.
Michael Feynman
00:10:29
And it was.
Michael Feynman
00:10:30
They were great Christian on Sunday morning and the rest of the week, they were not even talking about God.
Michael Feynman
00:10:36
And, you know, I had a saying back then.
Michael Feynman
00:10:38
I'd say, you know, I could stand in my garage for three hours a week, but that does not make me a car.
Michael Feynman
00:10:45
And I do not see any Christianity in you outside of church, in this entire group.
Michael Feynman
00:10:51
I see no reason to give my life to Christ, but I'll go for the kids.
Michael Feynman
00:10:54
Eventually it got a hold of me.
Michael Feynman
00:10:56
And there was a pastor in South Carolina when we were living there that was just no holds barred.
Michael Feynman
00:11:01
And this guy said, hey, I see your grip in the pew when I do the altar call.
Michael Feynman
00:11:05
He's talking to the whole congregation.
Michael Feynman
00:11:07
Get your butt out of the pew, get up here and get saved.
Michael Feynman
00:11:09
And I'm like, yeah, okay.
Michael Feynman
00:11:10
And I just kind of went up there.
Michael Feynman
00:11:12
And then we ended up having this big baptism party.
Michael Feynman
00:11:14
And there was an overshadow of that day where my son's mom was not happy because it was on her birthday.
Michael Feynman
00:11:22
And I thought she would be thrilled, but she was not.
Michael Feynman
00:11:25
And so that kind of overshadowed it and, and muffled the whole experience.
Michael Feynman
00:11:30
And so I became kind of a covert Christian again.
Michael Feynman
00:11:33
I was, I was, I was a believer.
Michael Feynman
00:11:35
But there was no big rush.
Michael Feynman
00:11:37
I thought after seven years, you know, there would be a mighty rushing wind and a flame would be over my head and this would be amazing.
Michael Feynman
00:11:43
And it just didn't.
Michael Feynman
00:11:45
Didn't go like that.
Darrell Snow
00:11:46
Yeah, the.
Darrell Snow
00:11:48
There's.
Darrell Snow
00:11:49
There's a couple things.
Darrell Snow
00:11:50
It's funny because when I was in my creative writing class in high school, I wrote an article or a paper.
Darrell Snow
00:11:58
One of my papers was about how Christians, you know, only go to church to be seen in their good clothes.
Darrell Snow
00:12:04
They don't really go to practice their religion.
Darrell Snow
00:12:07
And I actually, somewhere.
Darrell Snow
00:12:10
We must have read the same little playbook because I've always used that same car analogy.
Darrell Snow
00:12:15
Sitting in the car.
Michael Feynman
00:12:16
That's awesome.
Darrell Snow
00:12:16
In the garage.
Darrell Snow
00:12:18
But when people ask, why are you not a believer?
Darrell Snow
00:12:24
The number one answer is, because I've seen other Christians and, you know, they, they don't walk what they talk.
Darrell Snow
00:12:32
Or they do the Bible thumping preaching, which silences more ears than it opens because they're.
Darrell Snow
00:12:39
They're thumping it so hard and they're not living it.
Darrell Snow
00:12:42
So.
Darrell Snow
00:12:43
But you also mentioned something that I think you kind of skated over at 15.
Darrell Snow
00:12:47
You were on your own.
Darrell Snow
00:12:48
Now, most 15 year olds are not on their own.
Darrell Snow
00:12:51
They don't have their own apartment.
Darrell Snow
00:12:52
So did you emancipate from your parents.
Darrell Snow
00:12:55
And what caused that rift?
Michael Feynman
00:12:57
Yeah, we didn't have to legally emancipate, but they did allow me to do that.
Michael Feynman
00:13:01
So growing up, I'll go back a little bit.
Michael Feynman
00:13:03
My mother, my biological mother passed away when I was 3, and she had a brain tumor for most of my life.
Michael Feynman
00:13:10
And so my brother was a year and a half old when she passed.
Michael Feynman
00:13:14
I was three.
Michael Feynman
00:13:15
And in that time period, she said to my father, I release you.
Michael Feynman
00:13:20
Go find a mother for my boys.
Michael Feynman
00:13:21
I know I'm leaving.
Michael Feynman
00:13:23
And so my father, being a very practical guy, you know, at 30 years old, loses his wife.
Michael Feynman
00:13:28
She was 29.
Michael Feynman
00:13:30
And for the.
Michael Feynman
00:13:30
You know, of course, he mourned for quite some time.
Michael Feynman
00:13:33
I'm sure I don't remember as much because I was three.
Michael Feynman
00:13:35
But for the next couple years, he was out dating, he was working.
Michael Feynman
00:13:38
We had a nanny that was taking care of us, and I was kind of on my own.
Michael Feynman
00:13:43
The nanny didn't really speak English, so there was a.
Michael Feynman
00:13:46
Looking back, and now, knowing what I know about children, that was a crucial time in my life when I just did not have the support I needed.
Michael Feynman
00:13:53
And so when he remarried, he married a woman who had her own issues from childhood and became very abusive and was very strict and was very.
Michael Feynman
00:14:06
You know, I don't know what the word is, but she was.
Michael Feynman
00:14:10
Her.
Michael Feynman
00:14:10
Her type of discipline did not include love.
Michael Feynman
00:14:12
And it was really tough on us.
Michael Feynman
00:14:14
And so I started kind of pushing back, and then I was protecting myself when I was pushing back because she came in, became physically abusive, and found myself out of the home, in.
Michael Feynman
00:14:25
In a.
Michael Feynman
00:14:26
In an institution, and.
Michael Feynman
00:14:28
Because I was the problem, apparently.
Michael Feynman
00:14:30
And, you know, children, when they're young, they can't communicate.
Michael Feynman
00:14:33
And so they communicate through their behavior, as you well know.
Michael Feynman
00:14:35
And this happens sometimes until they're adults or beyond, if they haven't learned how to manage communication skills.
Michael Feynman
00:14:42
And so I ended up in this school, and I just went from place to place to place.
Michael Feynman
00:14:47
A place would say, you know, to my parents, hey, he doesn't belong here.
Michael Feynman
00:14:50
This is a good kid.
Michael Feynman
00:14:51
And they would find another place that would take me.
Michael Feynman
00:14:53
And this went over and over and over until I was 15.
Michael Feynman
00:14:57
So at the age of 15, I'm in the judge's chambers with my father, and the judge looks at us, and he says, you know, you can't keep.
Michael Feynman
00:15:05
I'm looking at the file.
Michael Feynman
00:15:06
You can't just keep putting him from place to place.
Michael Feynman
00:15:08
It's time to transition him back into the home.
Michael Feynman
00:15:10
Well, I knew the system pretty well.
Michael Feynman
00:15:11
I'd been in it most of my life.
Michael Feynman
00:15:13
And I said, no, as soon as you send me home, judge, I'll go awol, and if you take me back, I'll go AWOL again.
Michael Feynman
00:15:19
Now, I knew that he couldn't place me if I said that.
Michael Feynman
00:15:21
And so he said, well, what would you propose we do, young man?
Michael Feynman
00:15:24
And I said, you know what?
Michael Feynman
00:15:25
Put me in juvie.
Michael Feynman
00:15:26
I'll do juvie until I'm 18, then I'll figure it out.
Michael Feynman
00:15:29
And he just sat back in his chair.
Michael Feynman
00:15:30
I'll never forget it.
Michael Feynman
00:15:31
And he said, you would choose jail over going home?
Michael Feynman
00:15:34
And I said, yeah, absolutely.
Michael Feynman
00:15:37
And he said, that's not going to happen.
Michael Feynman
00:15:39
So he looks at my father and he says, we need other options.
Michael Feynman
00:15:42
So one option as a Jew, was go live in a kibbutz in Israel.
Michael Feynman
00:15:46
But I knew I would have to go into the military shortly.
Michael Feynman
00:15:48
I did not want to do that.
Michael Feynman
00:15:50
I was not a guy that liked authority, as you can imagine, at that point.
Michael Feynman
00:15:54
Yeah.
Michael Feynman
00:15:55
And then the next option was I could go live with my grandmother down here, who is my biological's mom.
Michael Feynman
00:16:01
Biological mother's mom.
Michael Feynman
00:16:03
But I was estranged from her during that time.
Michael Feynman
00:16:05
My father had made a decision to keep her out of our lives.
Michael Feynman
00:16:08
And looking back, I understand why he made that decision.
Michael Feynman
00:16:11
And actually, I.
Michael Feynman
00:16:12
I don't agree with the way he did it, but I understand why he did it.
Michael Feynman
00:16:16
And it was a valid thought on his end because it was true what he was seeing and why he did that.
Michael Feynman
00:16:25
So I came to live with her.
Michael Feynman
00:16:27
She had been widowed.
Michael Feynman
00:16:28
You know, I heard that my dad say, palm Beach.
Michael Feynman
00:16:31
Your grandmother in Palm Beach.
Michael Feynman
00:16:32
I'm like, cha Ching.
Michael Feynman
00:16:33
I'm going to Palm Beach.
Michael Feynman
00:16:34
Here we go.
Michael Feynman
00:16:34
This is going to be awesome.
Michael Feynman
00:16:36
And I came down here, and she'd been widowed 20 years.
Michael Feynman
00:16:38
She lived in a wet bedroom apartment.
Michael Feynman
00:16:40
She didn't like to turn on her air conditioner.
Michael Feynman
00:16:42
And she was really set in her ways.
Michael Feynman
00:16:46
She had been a businesswoman most of her life.
Michael Feynman
00:16:48
Very strict, very, you know, strong woman, and.
Michael Feynman
00:16:52
But she melted when I got here.
Michael Feynman
00:16:54
And she became the mom I never had.
Michael Feynman
00:16:57
And she was amazing.
Michael Feynman
00:16:59
Unconditional love.
Michael Feynman
00:17:00
I could do no wrong.
Michael Feynman
00:17:01
She was awesome.
Michael Feynman
00:17:02
And I would come home reeking of marijuana, you know, and she would say, yeah, I better not smell what I think I smell.
Michael Feynman
00:17:08
And I'd say, you don't.
Michael Feynman
00:17:10
What do we have to eat?
Michael Feynman
00:17:11
You know?
Michael Feynman
00:17:12
And she.
Michael Feynman
00:17:12
She just loved me through that.
Michael Feynman
00:17:14
But I was on top of her in this tiny little apartment, like, really cramping her style.
Michael Feynman
00:17:19
And her lifestyle and everything.
Michael Feynman
00:17:21
So, and, and also I had been somewhat, what I thought was self sufficient for many years, so I was ready.
Michael Feynman
00:17:28
So my dad helped me pay for the, the efficiency that I rented and I think he covered the whole thing.
Michael Feynman
00:17:34
Even though I was working.
Michael Feynman
00:17:35
It was maybe 150amonth or something back then and, but he helped me move and I had a motorcycle.
Michael Feynman
00:17:43
You know, I was allowed to have a motorcycle.
Michael Feynman
00:17:45
He didn't want me to have a car because he was afraid I would cause him a lot of, you know, cost if I had a problem.
Michael Feynman
00:17:50
But I was allowed to have a motorcycle, so I had motorcycles.
Michael Feynman
00:17:53
I was in high school and I got a couple of jobs.
Michael Feynman
00:17:57
I was working on the weekend, I was working during the week, you know, pumping gas back then and moving furniture on the weekends and anything I could to stay afloat.
Michael Feynman
00:18:05
I was in a rock and roll band, speed metal back then.
Michael Feynman
00:18:09
But I always really kept my nose clean even during that time.
Michael Feynman
00:18:12
And so, yeah, it was a scary time.
Michael Feynman
00:18:15
Looking back, honestly, there were many nights that, you know, I, I showed a brave face, but I was pretty fearful.
Michael Feynman
00:18:21
Being alone at that age, it was hard and I felt very lonely during.
Darrell Snow
00:18:27
Those years and it, but you said that you were, you said you kept your nose clean but you were doing marijuana, which back then was like, today it's nothing.
Darrell Snow
00:18:38
Back then it was like really, especially in a parental aspect.
Darrell Snow
00:18:43
And then you were in a rock band, which, yeah, just saying I'm a young kid in a rock band instantly leads to, okay, you weren't so clean.
Darrell Snow
00:18:53
But I never went past marijuana.
Michael Feynman
00:18:55
I didn't drink like, and I even, you know, my friends would say, hey, let's, you know, let's party, let's get high.
Michael Feynman
00:19:02
And I'd be like, no, it's Sunday night, man, I got to work tomorrow, I'm out, I'm going home.
Michael Feynman
00:19:07
I got to get some rest.
Michael Feynman
00:19:08
At 15, 16, I knew these things instinctively.
Michael Feynman
00:19:13
And you know, I think all of these schools that I was in, there were all these people that parented me.
Michael Feynman
00:19:21
I always say, you know, I wasn't home with my parents.
Michael Feynman
00:19:24
I was out with 50 other parents that loved me, that taught me, that trained me, that spent time with me and that eye to eye, one on one time with your parent is so important.
Michael Feynman
00:19:34
I got it from probably 30, 40, 50 people.
Darrell Snow
00:19:38
So I, well, but were most of those females who were mothering you or were there some dad figures in there who were also fathering you?
Michael Feynman
00:19:47
Mostly dad figures because really, you know, they in those schools a lot of Times that the.
Michael Feynman
00:19:52
Either it was all boys or the, you know, the boys and the girls were separated, and I had therapists that were female and things like that, but most of the staff members that were in my area were men.
Darrell Snow
00:20:06
That's fortunate.
Darrell Snow
00:20:08
And again, when we look back at the lives that we've lived, we can often, even if we're not a believer at the time that we're living those lives, or even have a close relationship with God, if we are a believer, we can always see the hand of God working when we go back and look.
Darrell Snow
00:20:28
Yeah, you know, we can.
Darrell Snow
00:20:30
We can weave his thread throughout our lives, whether we were acknowledging it or not.
Darrell Snow
00:20:36
And just the fact that you had father figures instead of just mother figures really set the tone for.
Darrell Snow
00:20:45
For who you are today and what you are as far as a motivational, inspirational person who has also, you know, created, you know, the dad link.
Darrell Snow
00:20:56
So this here, when you started, this was the inspiration from this part of the fathering that you also got along the way.
Darrell Snow
00:21:14
Did.
Darrell Snow
00:21:15
Did it play a root in it?
Michael Feynman
00:21:17
Absolutely.
Michael Feynman
00:21:18
I mean, if you think about all of the wisdom that was poured into me over the years by all of these different fathers, I learned more fathering techniques, and I knew the things that impacted me greatly.
Michael Feynman
00:21:32
I knew the things that impacted my peers greatly.
Michael Feynman
00:21:34
I could see it.
Michael Feynman
00:21:36
I knew the things that didn't work well.
Michael Feynman
00:21:38
And of course, we have to do trial and error as dads.
Michael Feynman
00:21:42
You know, we.
Michael Feynman
00:21:43
We make mistakes, and hopefully we learn from them.
Michael Feynman
00:21:45
But even with all of that training, my parenting style was that of my stepmother, who kind of ruled the roost at the house and inadvertently was discipline without love.
Michael Feynman
00:22:00
I did not want that.
Michael Feynman
00:22:01
I swore I would never do that, but sure as could be, I did.
Michael Feynman
00:22:05
And I didn't mean to, but it was my natural reaction, because boys are led more is caught than is taught.
Michael Feynman
00:22:13
So whoever's running the home, which should be the father.
Michael Feynman
00:22:16
But in that case, it was not.
Michael Feynman
00:22:19
I followed what I was taught, and I became what I was taught.
Michael Feynman
00:22:23
I went back then, once I got conscious of that, to all of the training I got growing up in all of these places and started to glean from that and.
Michael Feynman
00:22:32
And, you know, take notes on what changed my life, what was helpful, what was not helpful.
Michael Feynman
00:22:37
You know, there's a guy in there that taught me how to play guitar, spent time with me, teaching me how to play guitar.
Michael Feynman
00:22:41
It was amazing.
Michael Feynman
00:22:43
There was another guy that used to get permission to take me home on the weekends because I didn't.
Michael Feynman
00:22:47
Most kids went home a lot.
Michael Feynman
00:22:48
I didn't and, you know, I just wasn't invited home.
Michael Feynman
00:22:52
And so he would take me and it, you know, he would show me the old black and white movies of men, you know, Humphrey Bogart and all that.
Michael Feynman
00:23:02
And he would say, okay, aside from the lighting the cigarettes and slapping, you know, this is how a man is supposed to treat a woman.
Michael Feynman
00:23:09
And he would teach me about chivalry and being a gentleman and all of those things.
Michael Feynman
00:23:14
Very, very specific training from him, which I then instilled into my son.
Michael Feynman
00:23:19
And he probably doesn't know that.
Michael Feynman
00:23:21
I wish I could talk, tell him that today.
Darrell Snow
00:23:24
The thing that you said about not wanting to be what we grew up in, I relate to that from the abusive relationship that I came out of.
Darrell Snow
00:23:35
And I.
Darrell Snow
00:23:36
I look back, when I married my first wife, she had three children, and so I was an instant father.
Darrell Snow
00:23:46
And I look back at those.
Darrell Snow
00:23:51
The oldest daughter was 11, and she would often come and give me a hug.
Darrell Snow
00:23:58
And instead of embracing this young child who just wanted a hug, my mind would instantly go, what does this person want from me?
Darrell Snow
00:24:07
Like, what are they trying to.
Darrell Snow
00:24:09
What.
Darrell Snow
00:24:09
What is it they're trying to?
Darrell Snow
00:24:10
What do they want?
Darrell Snow
00:24:12
Yeah, right.
Darrell Snow
00:24:13
And so I found, you know, myself being a very angry father and a very.
Darrell Snow
00:24:21
I was never abusive to my children like my mom was to me, but I was verbally angry all the time.
Darrell Snow
00:24:28
And I look back at that relationship, and even though she and I divorced after seven years, the youngest daughter was two, and she's been my daughter ever since.
Darrell Snow
00:24:45
She's now 26, and she and I are still father daughter relationship.
Darrell Snow
00:24:53
And my middle child was a boy.
Darrell Snow
00:24:59
And I look back at how hard I was on him mentally and verbally.
Darrell Snow
00:25:06
And he really wanted to play football.
Darrell Snow
00:25:10
He was really good at football.
Darrell Snow
00:25:12
But because he wouldn't practice at full tilt all the time, instead of encouraging him on how good he was, I would tell him how he'll never make it because he's not.
Darrell Snow
00:25:25
He's not giving his full effort.
Darrell Snow
00:25:27
Right?
Darrell Snow
00:25:28
And again, if I'd have had the healing part of me corrected like I do now, I wonder if maybe he would have went on to.
Darrell Snow
00:25:39
Instead of going into the Marine Corps, which destroyed his life, if he would have went on to college and played football, because he would have had that love and encouragement of what he was passionate about.
Darrell Snow
00:25:51
So, you know, we do tend to parent the way we learn.
Darrell Snow
00:25:56
And in part of that, as we heal, we need to also then remember that they were parenting from what they learned.
Darrell Snow
00:26:05
And that's where some of the forgiveness for what you Know, the abuse that I suffered or you suffered, maybe can happen because we understand and we can forgive.
Darrell Snow
00:26:17
Okay.
Darrell Snow
00:26:18
They were only using the tools that were in their toolbox, and it was a shitty toolbox.
Darrell Snow
00:26:22
So, yeah, you know, no, our story's parallel.
Michael Feynman
00:26:27
I didn't realize, Darrell, how close they were.
Michael Feynman
00:26:29
I.
Michael Feynman
00:26:29
I did the same.
Michael Feynman
00:26:30
I married a woman with three kids.
Michael Feynman
00:26:31
They were 8, 9, and 11.
Michael Feynman
00:26:33
The boy was the oldest.
Michael Feynman
00:26:34
And I was not as hard on him, although I was demanding of him because he was brilliant.
Michael Feynman
00:26:43
Still is.
Michael Feynman
00:26:43
And.
Michael Feynman
00:26:44
But he was a video gamer, and I was not.
Michael Feynman
00:26:46
I was not allowed to play video games growing up, so I didn't like video games.
Michael Feynman
00:26:50
I was kind of opposed to them instead of.
Michael Feynman
00:26:54
But I was verbally abusive to all of them, like you said.
Michael Feynman
00:26:56
I was just angry.
Michael Feynman
00:26:58
And I was angry because.
Michael Feynman
00:26:59
Because I.
Michael Feynman
00:27:00
Very shortly into the marriage, I realized their mom had lied to me about so many things.
Michael Feynman
00:27:04
I was just mad, and I should have left right then and there.
Michael Feynman
00:27:08
It would have probably done us all better.
Michael Feynman
00:27:10
But God has a better plan.
Michael Feynman
00:27:12
I didn't want to leave.
Michael Feynman
00:27:13
I didn't want to divorce.
Michael Feynman
00:27:14
I didn't want to do that.
Michael Feynman
00:27:15
I figured we could work through this.
Michael Feynman
00:27:17
But I married someone that was similar to my stepmom, and I think that.
Michael Feynman
00:27:20
That, you know, that's just kind of how it goes.
Michael Feynman
00:27:23
I loved my kids.
Michael Feynman
00:27:24
I.
Michael Feynman
00:27:25
I wanted to give them everything I could, and I did.
Michael Feynman
00:27:27
I was very selfless with them, but I was angry.
Michael Feynman
00:27:31
And my girls especially were.
Michael Feynman
00:27:33
You know, they're teenage girls.
Michael Feynman
00:27:34
They were kind of conniving a little bit, and I did not like that.
Michael Feynman
00:27:37
I took that personally as an insult.
Michael Feynman
00:27:40
And I blew up all the time.
Michael Feynman
00:27:42
You know, I learned the spirit of offense from.
Michael Feynman
00:27:44
From my family.
Michael Feynman
00:27:46
And some of them, unfortunately, still walk in that.
Michael Feynman
00:27:48
Where I was easily offended, and the kids offended me greatly.
Michael Feynman
00:27:53
And I would take it out on them.
Michael Feynman
00:27:54
And I never hit them physically, but I would do hard labor.
Michael Feynman
00:27:58
I would make them do really difficult tasks when they screwed up.
Michael Feynman
00:28:01
And I was just.
Michael Feynman
00:28:03
It was harsh discipline.
Michael Feynman
00:28:04
I didn't mean to.
Michael Feynman
00:28:06
I honestly wanted the best for them.
Michael Feynman
00:28:08
I honestly love them.
Michael Feynman
00:28:09
I didn't even really.
Michael Feynman
00:28:10
It was just like you said, I wasn't healed.
Michael Feynman
00:28:13
And their mom was not supportive.
Michael Feynman
00:28:16
She undermined almost everything I did, which made it even worse, because I was mad at her, too.
Michael Feynman
00:28:22
It was a mess.
Michael Feynman
00:28:24
And then we had a child.
Michael Feynman
00:28:26
And looking back, that's the best thing that ever happened to me in my life.
Michael Feynman
00:28:32
And my son and I.
Michael Feynman
00:28:33
He's almost 18.
Michael Feynman
00:28:34
We're so close.
Michael Feynman
00:28:37
We have a Very, very, very tight relationship.
Michael Feynman
00:28:40
And the fruit that I see in him is the.
Michael Feynman
00:28:44
Is what gave me the guts to step out and start doing this.
Michael Feynman
00:28:48
I actually started with identity because I realized the reason I was that way as a parent is I did not know my identity.
Michael Feynman
00:28:56
And I, you know, if you think about.
Michael Feynman
00:28:58
If you look back at my life and I was in all these different places and with all these different things, I really didn't know who I was, and I didn't know whose I was.
Michael Feynman
00:29:07
And when I started to understand identity, I wanted to help young people with identity because we have this massive identity crisis, and you can see it in the behavior of kids today.
Michael Feynman
00:29:18
But as I was doing that, it created a program called Identity University.
Michael Feynman
00:29:24
God redirected me in.
Michael Feynman
00:29:25
In journaling one day and said, you know, who sets the identity in the family?
Michael Feynman
00:29:29
And I said, you do.
Michael Feynman
00:29:31
You know, I'm writing all this out and.
Michael Feynman
00:29:33
No.
Michael Feynman
00:29:33
Who in the family sets identity?
Michael Feynman
00:29:35
Oh, the father.
Michael Feynman
00:29:36
And in fact, what he taught me is the father gives him their last name.
Michael Feynman
00:29:40
He gives them their complete identity.
Michael Feynman
00:29:42
He shows them where they came from and who they are and what they're supposed to be like.
Michael Feynman
00:29:46
And I realized if I'm helping the youth, but I'm not helping the fathers, then I'm not doing the family any kind of service, because I might help the youth, but they're still going to be the kind of father that their father was, you know, naturally, unless they learn out of it.
Michael Feynman
00:30:02
But if I help the father to shift gears, because at any point in life, the father can shift gears and get healed, I've learned that.
Michael Feynman
00:30:10
And if I can help the father shift gears, change his filter of his father on the earth to the Heavenly Father and change that filter in his mind and see the heavenly Father as a perfect father and start to be molded by him and become a great father, if I can do that well, then the kid's going to be healed by the Father, which is the right way for that to happen.
Michael Feynman
00:30:29
That's the right order.
Michael Feynman
00:30:30
And then legacies will get changed, trajectories will get changed, and.
Michael Feynman
00:30:35
And generationally, things will.
Michael Feynman
00:30:38
Will change.
Michael Feynman
00:30:39
Break chains.
Michael Feynman
00:30:40
Amazing.
Darrell Snow
00:30:41
I can.
Darrell Snow
00:30:43
My.
Darrell Snow
00:30:44
My father, my earthly father adopted my sister and I when we were.
Darrell Snow
00:30:50
When I was 10, when he married my mother.
Darrell Snow
00:30:54
And he is the most.
Darrell Snow
00:30:57
Or was.
Darrell Snow
00:30:58
He passed.
Darrell Snow
00:30:58
But he was the most integrous, honorable man.
Darrell Snow
00:31:04
And some of the pillars that he installed in me, the integrity, the work ethic, the word is your bond.
Darrell Snow
00:31:11
All of those things I have passed down to my children and my current wife.
Darrell Snow
00:31:20
I want to say only wife, because there's not a next one after that.
Darrell Snow
00:31:26
But my wife had a son, and he was 24 when I came into his life.
Darrell Snow
00:31:30
And he calls me dad, and my daughter calls me dad.
Darrell Snow
00:31:36
And we have this father, son, daughter, son relationship.
Darrell Snow
00:31:39
Even though there's no biology there, it's because I have that embodiment of what a father is supposed to be.
Darrell Snow
00:31:48
And even though they're now grown, our son is 30.
Darrell Snow
00:31:53
He'll be 34, and my daughter's 26.
Darrell Snow
00:31:56
They still call and they say, you know, hey, what about this?
Darrell Snow
00:31:59
And this?
Darrell Snow
00:32:00
And they'll ask for advice, or even better, they'll want to come hang out on a Thursday night and just, you know, have dinner.
Darrell Snow
00:32:08
And when your grown children want to come back into your house and just hang with you, you know, that's when you know you're doing it right.
Michael Feynman
00:32:18
That's right.
Michael Feynman
00:32:18
That's the fruit.
Michael Feynman
00:32:20
That's the fruit.
Michael Feynman
00:32:21
One of my best friends had that.
Michael Feynman
00:32:22
You know, his kids were so connected to him, and I met him in church.
Michael Feynman
00:32:27
We were serving together in children's ministry, and I was doing worship, leading worship for the kids, and I asked him to mentor me, and he said, I'll pray about it.
Michael Feynman
00:32:35
And he never got back to me.
Michael Feynman
00:32:36
Now, knowing him now, that means the Lord said no.
Michael Feynman
00:32:41
He just.
Michael Feynman
00:32:41
That's just how he is.
Michael Feynman
00:32:42
You know, we're really close friends now, but his kids are all adults, and they all live within a couple miles of the house.
Michael Feynman
00:32:51
You know, his daughter just got married, naturally built an apartment onto the house with her new husband, and they.
Michael Feynman
00:32:57
They're so thrilled to be there.
Michael Feynman
00:32:59
I want that, you know, And I learned this thing in a program I was in called JH Outback, which is an awesome weekend event.
Michael Feynman
00:33:07
It's now called JC Wilderness in Palm Beach.
Michael Feynman
00:33:09
And I love it.
Michael Feynman
00:33:10
It's a different program, but similar.
Michael Feynman
00:33:12
And I like it a lot.
Michael Feynman
00:33:14
Some of my friends.
Michael Feynman
00:33:15
A lot of my friends are part of it, and I served there for a long time, but they taught something about parenthood.
Michael Feynman
00:33:20
And JH Outback, they said that you go from caregiver to cop, to coach to consultant.
Michael Feynman
00:33:29
I actually did a keynote on this.
Michael Feynman
00:33:31
So as caregiver, they're infants.
Michael Feynman
00:33:32
They need everything from.
Michael Feynman
00:33:33
You take care of them, you feed them, you change them, you guide them, you care for them, you protect them.
Michael Feynman
00:33:38
As cop, now you're starting to give them a little bit of, you know, they're running around, they're toddlers now.
Michael Feynman
00:33:43
You're giving them direction.
Michael Feynman
00:33:44
Don't do this you are allowed to do that, but you're not allowed to do this.
Michael Feynman
00:33:48
Stop.
Michael Feynman
00:33:48
Too many cookies, you know, that kind of thing.
Michael Feynman
00:33:51
And then they become their coach.
Michael Feynman
00:33:52
When they're probably maybe eight or nine, you start to become their coach.
Michael Feynman
00:33:57
But not, sorry, eight or nine, around 12 or 13.
Michael Feynman
00:34:01
And the reason that, you know it's time to become their coach is because they'll be obedient.
Michael Feynman
00:34:05
When you say, sit down, they'll sit down, but you can see the defiance in their eyes.
Michael Feynman
00:34:10
And they're.
Michael Feynman
00:34:11
In their mind, they're standing up with their chest puffed out in front of you, bucking up to you.
Michael Feynman
00:34:15
But the truth is, it's just time to shift gears.
Michael Feynman
00:34:17
And so you become their coach.
Michael Feynman
00:34:19
And now, you know, I had a conversation with my son.
Michael Feynman
00:34:23
You're 13.
Michael Feynman
00:34:23
In Judaism, that would mean that you were, at the time of being a man, your relationship now with God, that all the things I've taught you, your relationship with God is now your responsibility.
Michael Feynman
00:34:33
I will still coach you, but it's time for you to take responsibility.
Michael Feynman
00:34:37
And I'm going to be here to catch you.
Michael Feynman
00:34:39
Don't worry about falling.
Michael Feynman
00:34:41
You're going to, but I got you.
Michael Feynman
00:34:42
I'll help you up.
Michael Feynman
00:34:43
But the hardest part of that is as they start to grow.
Michael Feynman
00:34:47
I would see a pit in front of him, and I would watch him walk right towards it.
Michael Feynman
00:34:51
I would say, son, there's a pit in front of you.
Michael Feynman
00:34:53
Don't go that way.
Michael Feynman
00:34:54
And he would look back at me and he would keep going, and I would say, okay.
Michael Feynman
00:34:58
And I would have to really quietly watch him fall into that pit.
Michael Feynman
00:35:01
I coached him, I told him what not to do, But I could see on this thing he needed to learn on his own.
Michael Feynman
00:35:06
He would fall in the pit, and I would come over to the pit and I would look down and I would say, I can't pull you out, but I'm going to teach you how to get out.
Michael Feynman
00:35:14
And.
Michael Feynman
00:35:15
And that's some of the hardest things to do as a dad and why moms want to coddle their kids and not do this because they don't have that.
Michael Feynman
00:35:24
The ability to be tough with their boy.
Michael Feynman
00:35:26
You know, boys and girls with that way.
Michael Feynman
00:35:29
So then you help them out.
Michael Feynman
00:35:30
But if you do a good job of transitioning to coach when it's time and you do a good job of coaching, you then get to be their consultant.
Michael Feynman
00:35:39
And that's the stage you're in now, and that lasts forever.
Michael Feynman
00:35:43
For the rest of their lives, when they're not sure what to do, they call you and the beauty of that is instead of going to their friends, which is the blind leading the blind, they're coming to someone with wisdom, with character, with integrity, like yourself, that can pour into them and guide them in the right way.
Michael Feynman
00:36:00
And you know them so intimately, you pretty much know what's going to connect with them and what's not and how to guide them and how to help them and to remind them.
Michael Feynman
00:36:09
Remember when you were in this pit, remember how you got out, Remember what you did?
Michael Feynman
00:36:13
Okay, this is pretty close to that same scenario.
Michael Feynman
00:36:16
You're just not seeing it from that direction.
Michael Feynman
00:36:18
To be able to do that with your kids, man, that's the fruit of all the work that is required of being an intentional parent.
Michael Feynman
00:36:25
And it's worth more than any riches on this planet.
Darrell Snow
00:36:29
In my mind, I absolutely see the progression of those pillars and I see the consultant area and where they're coming back now and asking for, freely asking for the advice, you know.
Darrell Snow
00:36:43
But you reminded me of a funny story of my daughter.
Darrell Snow
00:36:48
She was, I don't know, nine or 10 when I had divorced her mom.
Darrell Snow
00:36:53
So it was my weekend to have her.
Darrell Snow
00:36:55
And I have always taught my kids that everything you do has consequences.
Darrell Snow
00:36:58
Some are good, some are, some are bad, but everything you do has consequences.
Michael Feynman
00:37:02
That's right.
Darrell Snow
00:37:03
And so I had advised her to not ride her bike hands free on our road because it wasn't a smooth road and it was somewhat downhill.
Darrell Snow
00:37:15
So I'm in the house and I get a knock on the door and this lady is bringing my child to me with blood on her arms and skinned up knees.
Darrell Snow
00:37:25
And you know, I'm like, well, what happened?
Darrell Snow
00:37:27
And she's like, well, I fell off my bike.
Darrell Snow
00:37:29
I'm like, okay, what were you going no handed?
Darrell Snow
00:37:32
Well, yes.
Darrell Snow
00:37:33
Okay, are you anything broken?
Darrell Snow
00:37:37
No.
Darrell Snow
00:37:37
Okay, well, go back out and play.
Darrell Snow
00:37:39
And the lady is yelling at me, aren't you going to take her to the hospital?
Darrell Snow
00:37:43
Aren't you going to take her to the doctor?
Darrell Snow
00:37:45
I'm like, no, I told her not to do what she did.
Darrell Snow
00:37:48
She suffered her consequences.
Darrell Snow
00:37:50
Nothing is broken.
Darrell Snow
00:37:52
She learned her lesson and now she can go play again.
Darrell Snow
00:37:55
What do you want me to do?
Darrell Snow
00:37:57
I love it, I love it.
Michael Feynman
00:37:58
But we have that ability as dads to do that.
Michael Feynman
00:38:02
And you know, that's why they're supposed to be two parents.
Michael Feynman
00:38:06
That's why there's supposed to be a mother and a father.
Michael Feynman
00:38:08
And even in a divorce situation, you should be promoting the other parent being involved and allowing and engaging and making opportunity for the other parent to be involved.
Michael Feynman
00:38:19
Because they need both terribly like.
Darrell Snow
00:38:22
And so in the divorce, because divorce is half of marriage in these days, probably even more these days.
Michael Feynman
00:38:30
It's in the 60% range.
Darrell Snow
00:38:32
Yeah, that's horrible.
Darrell Snow
00:38:34
Church too.
Darrell Snow
00:38:35
Even as horrible as my ex wife was, I never, the, I never said bad words about her in front of the children when it was, you know, my turn to have them.
Darrell Snow
00:38:50
Yeah, she made her own life.
Darrell Snow
00:38:54
They will be old enough to eventually see it.
Darrell Snow
00:38:57
I don't need to put my bias on them because they should still, if possible, have a relationship with their mother.
Darrell Snow
00:39:05
So I never, ever.
Darrell Snow
00:39:07
And I think that's where people often make a mistake in divorce, is that they weaponize their children against the other parent.
Darrell Snow
00:39:16
And I see this with one of my best friends, you know, his ex wife weaponizes their young children and it really doesn't make for an amicable life for the kid or the parents.
Darrell Snow
00:39:32
I don't, I don't think that's the right tactic.
Michael Feynman
00:39:36
You know, I wish, Darrell, that I was healed enough to do what you did, but I was not.
Michael Feynman
00:39:41
I was still triggered by his mother consistently and she was consistently doing things that were trying to alienate the two of us.
Michael Feynman
00:39:49
And my son would come home and speak her words at me and I would, I would, you know, project on him and scream at him when I was really screaming at her.
Michael Feynman
00:39:58
And I, man, I had such a hard time during those years just trying to maintain and.
Michael Feynman
00:40:05
But at, you know, when, when we got divorced, my, with my step kids, she was telling anyone who would listen a lot of things that were not true.
Michael Feynman
00:40:14
And I just made a decision then.
Michael Feynman
00:40:15
I said, you know, Jesus didn't defend himself.
Michael Feynman
00:40:18
The whole time he went to the cross, he didn't say a word.
Michael Feynman
00:40:20
I believe that my kids know me well enough to know that's not true.
Michael Feynman
00:40:23
And I didn't say anything that was a mistake because that, because she said it so often and so much with no rebuttal for me that it became truth and it was not truth.
Michael Feynman
00:40:34
And it was very character directed stuff that was hurtful and really damaged the relationship between my stepdaughters.
Michael Feynman
00:40:42
And I completely and most of what was said was not true.
Michael Feynman
00:40:46
And it really hurt me.
Michael Feynman
00:40:48
So with my son, I decided I'm not doing that.
Michael Feynman
00:40:52
I would speak against it, but it always came out angry and frustrated and loud and, you know, I was really just mad at her and he had to hear it.
Michael Feynman
00:41:02
And I wish I hadn't done that.
Michael Feynman
00:41:03
We healed through that.
Michael Feynman
00:41:04
I apologized, we've prayed through that, we've worked through that.
Michael Feynman
00:41:08
We've talked through those days quite a bit just to, you know, ensure that he understood that that's not okay for me to do.
Michael Feynman
00:41:16
That was my behavior issues.
Michael Feynman
00:41:17
That was things I should have controlled as a man.
Michael Feynman
00:41:20
And I was allowing my emotions to.
Michael Feynman
00:41:22
To drive me.
Michael Feynman
00:41:23
I've never been taught how to be a man, really.
Michael Feynman
00:41:26
So what I didn't know is that my emotions are not supposed to drive me as a man.
Michael Feynman
00:41:30
I am supposed to be more calm, cool, and collect and use wisdom rather than emotion.
Michael Feynman
00:41:36
Women, you know, have storms all day long and in their emotions.
Michael Feynman
00:41:41
And as a man, to be in my masculine.
Michael Feynman
00:41:44
This is something I was taught by a group called warriors and Queens, which is an amazing organization.
Michael Feynman
00:41:49
I am supposed to be able to be that rock during those storms and help her through her emotions.
Michael Feynman
00:41:55
If I respond with emotion, then we just both go off the tracks.
Michael Feynman
00:41:59
So I had to learn that with my son.
Michael Feynman
00:42:01
And I wish I had done better now today.
Michael Feynman
00:42:04
And at about 13 or 14, my son came to me one day and he said, dad, all of the things that my mom said about you aren't true.
Michael Feynman
00:42:14
I see who you are, and as a man, and you're not what she said, you are what you said, he said.
Michael Feynman
00:42:21
But I didn't believe it, and I'm so sorry.
Michael Feynman
00:42:23
And I was like, whoa, this kid's amazing.
Michael Feynman
00:42:26
Like, he.
Michael Feynman
00:42:27
It was incredible.
Michael Feynman
00:42:28
And so that's what led to me apologizing, talking through all the times I was, you know, screaming for no reason.
Michael Feynman
00:42:34
I was angry.
Michael Feynman
00:42:36
Now, during this whole time of being my son's dad, I had Crohn's disease, and I was pretty sick, and it ate up 85% of my bandwidth, yet I still outperformed most of my peers.
Michael Feynman
00:42:50
It was a very difficult time.
Michael Feynman
00:42:52
And I still am not 100% healed physically, although spiritually I know that I am.
Michael Feynman
00:42:59
But I was in pain, like, 8 to 10 level of pain most days, and my son had to go through that.
Michael Feynman
00:43:08
And most of his childhood.
Michael Feynman
00:43:09
I was sick and I was helping him.
Michael Feynman
00:43:11
I was doing all the things that dad could do, spending time, taking him out, playing with him.
Michael Feynman
00:43:16
But I.
Michael Feynman
00:43:16
You know, we'd come home at 6, 6:30, I was done.
Michael Feynman
00:43:20
I would have to lay down for the rest of the night.
Michael Feynman
00:43:22
I would give every.
Michael Feynman
00:43:23
Every ounce of energy I had, and then I would just lay there in pain.
Michael Feynman
00:43:28
And he had to.
Michael Feynman
00:43:29
He had to go through that, and he had to see a lot of things.
Michael Feynman
00:43:32
But the.
Michael Feynman
00:43:32
The healing that has happened between then and now, because I was open, because I was not trying to Be prideful because I was just very humble about it and I came to him and apologized and was transparent about what happened as I was becoming really healed.
Michael Feynman
00:43:49
Changed everything for us.
Michael Feynman
00:43:50
And I know that my ceiling will be his floor.
Michael Feynman
00:43:53
He will be an amazing father because he will have all the things that I instilled in him without the anger because thank God, he won't be in that pain either, you know, and that was really difficult to manage as a single father.
Darrell Snow
00:44:06
Very.
Darrell Snow
00:44:06
It still is, I think.
Darrell Snow
00:44:10
And I'm sorry to interrupt that thing, but I.
Darrell Snow
00:44:12
I think it's important that we also clarify.
Darrell Snow
00:44:17
It's not that men are not supposed to have their emotion or have other emotions like vulnerability and, and empathy and all that other stuff.
Michael Feynman
00:44:26
Yeah.
Darrell Snow
00:44:27
But in those moments of emotional times, it's important that we are more solid.
Darrell Snow
00:44:35
And not adding emotion tends to add to chaos because calm solution seeking ends.
Darrell Snow
00:44:47
It's all just about the emotion.
Darrell Snow
00:44:49
So it's not that men are supposed to be emotionless.
Darrell Snow
00:44:52
They're supposed to just manage them more than.
Darrell Snow
00:44:58
I've always said that society only allows us one emotion as men, anger.
Darrell Snow
00:45:03
That's the only one that they acknowledge.
Darrell Snow
00:45:04
It's the only one they accept.
Darrell Snow
00:45:05
It's the only one that they.
Darrell Snow
00:45:06
Now they don't want to see it all the time.
Darrell Snow
00:45:09
They don't, they don't want it, but they acknowledge it.
Darrell Snow
00:45:12
But if you have the empathy and the sympathy and the tears and the vulnerability that gets downgraded by society, which is a shame because we're supposed to have full range of emotion.
Darrell Snow
00:45:23
We're just supposed to manage them, you know, better than, Than just letting the emotions manage us.
Michael Feynman
00:45:30
Yeah, yeah, totally.
Michael Feynman
00:45:33
In a relationship with a woman, we're going to have those emotions.
Michael Feynman
00:45:37
But when, you know, our.
Michael Feynman
00:45:40
In order to be her rock, to allow her to be fully in her feminine, our masculine has to be able to just manage that and park those emotions for the moment to be able to help her through hers.
Michael Feynman
00:45:51
Now I think in a good marriage you should be able to share those at another time when things are not stressful or chaotic.
Michael Feynman
00:45:57
But during those times we want, you know, we want as a society women to be in their feminine.
Michael Feynman
00:46:03
And they're not right now, most of them.
Michael Feynman
00:46:04
And the reason being is men are not being men.
Michael Feynman
00:46:08
And so women don't feel safe and so they step up into this masculine place that they're not supposed to be in to try to protect and guide their family.
Michael Feynman
00:46:17
And there's so many single moms out there that have to do this and that's Why I created the program Boy mom, where I'm helping moms kind of, you know, bring boys into men, which is not really possible, but it is if they use the tools of, you know, finding coaches to help their boys, finding men to mentor.
Michael Feynman
00:46:36
Because it takes a man to make a man.
Michael Feynman
00:46:39
A woman just will never be able to do it.
Michael Feynman
00:46:41
She can love her sons, she can bring them into successful lives, but to become a man, it takes another man to make a man.
Michael Feynman
00:46:48
It just does.
Michael Feynman
00:46:49
And so if you give them the tools and you give them permission to, hey, you don't need to be married, you don't have to have a boyfriend so that your.
Michael Feynman
00:46:57
Your boys have, you know, a father figure, there's other ways to find them.
Michael Feynman
00:47:01
But go find them and allow that and make room for that, make space for that if their father isn't stepping up.
Darrell Snow
00:47:09
I think one of the things I look at my marriage now, I have taught her how to soften into her femininity again, and she's taught me how to be vulnerable without thinking that it's feminizing or demasculating me.
Darrell Snow
00:47:26
So we've helped each other heal those old wounds that we brought to the table.
Darrell Snow
00:47:33
But it's because we do things through God and our faith.
Darrell Snow
00:47:39
And, you know, we don't necessarily subscribe to the fact that you have to go to church to have that.
Darrell Snow
00:47:47
That walk.
Darrell Snow
00:47:48
We, you know, feel that we can find that in our own way, but it is a center of our focus.
Darrell Snow
00:47:58
You know, we know how much we've been blessed and how much our lives have been saved because of that hand of God that has weaved its way through both of our lives.
Darrell Snow
00:48:11
And so we acknowledge that as, you know, let's serve God first, and then we've healed each other through that along the way.
Darrell Snow
00:48:19
So, yeah, you and I could probably talk for six more hours about all this stuff easily.
Michael Feynman
00:48:26
Dude, we have so much in common.
Michael Feynman
00:48:28
So much, so many parallels.
Michael Feynman
00:48:30
But this is why guys like us step out and do these things, because we know how many men are hurting and how many men are silently suffering.
Michael Feynman
00:48:40
And, you know, the suicide rates have gone through the roof.
Michael Feynman
00:48:43
And it just gets to a point with some of us where we just say, enough.
Michael Feynman
00:48:49
I can't sit around and listen to the troubles without trying to make an impact or a difference or somehow bring some goodness to the world and.
Michael Feynman
00:49:00
And speak to men and be vulnerable enough to come out and do things like this.
Michael Feynman
00:49:04
Look, when we put ourselves out like this, Daryl, you know, you open yourself up for all kinds of.
Michael Feynman
00:49:10
Of crap.
Michael Feynman
00:49:12
I mean, even just trying to.
Michael Feynman
00:49:14
I'm involved in several Facebook groups and trying to help men.
Michael Feynman
00:49:16
I've probably.
Michael Feynman
00:49:17
Probably been called a simp more times than, you know, I can count.
Michael Feynman
00:49:22
And I know where that comes from.
Michael Feynman
00:49:26
That's from a really.
Michael Feynman
00:49:27
A guy that's really afraid, and when he's in fear like that, he's gonna lash out.
Michael Feynman
00:49:33
I know.
Michael Feynman
00:49:34
I was that guy.
Michael Feynman
00:49:35
I got it.
Michael Feynman
00:49:36
I was that, you know, tough guy.
Michael Feynman
00:49:38
You know, screw you.
Michael Feynman
00:49:39
I'm not talking about my emotions for a long time.
Michael Feynman
00:49:42
Even though I was very capable of going deep, I wouldn't because I didn't want to appear weak.
Darrell Snow
00:49:47
Yeah.
Michael Feynman
00:49:48
And I'm right there with you, man.
Michael Feynman
00:49:51
Like, we have to speak out.
Michael Feynman
00:49:54
Men don't congregate like women do.
Michael Feynman
00:49:57
I'm in a lot of men's Bible studies, so I tend to kind of go against that.
Michael Feynman
00:50:02
But most men don't congregate with a bunch of men to talk about things hard.
Michael Feynman
00:50:07
And I'm glad that you and I are doing this, and I'm glad that you're doing this in the show because we need to speak up.
Darrell Snow
00:50:13
Yeah, I think it's, you know, it's an important topic that will heal not only ourselves, but others and society and make that next generation not have to be as wounded going into their adulthood as we were.
Darrell Snow
00:50:33
But as we're kind of coming to a close here, if there's someone out there, a man out there who is listening to you, whether they walk tightly with Christ or just are walking kind of blindly on their own, they still want to be a good father and a good parent.
Darrell Snow
00:50:50
What would be the one advice, piece of advice you'd give that man who's listening to you right now?
Michael Feynman
00:50:57
Study the relationship between the Father and the Son.
Michael Feynman
00:51:01
There was this reciprocal obedience.
Michael Feynman
00:51:03
Well, obviously Jesus was obedient to the Father, but Jesus said, I only do what I see my father do.
Michael Feynman
00:51:09
I only say what I hear my father say.
Michael Feynman
00:51:13
That's huge.
Michael Feynman
00:51:14
And what that does is that helps you realize that the wisdom that you need comes from this.
Michael Feynman
00:51:21
There is wisdom in this book, and it will teach you.
Michael Feynman
00:51:25
When people say there's no guidebook for being parents, that's not true.
Michael Feynman
00:51:28
The guidebook is right here in the word of God.
Michael Feynman
00:51:31
Even if you're not a believer, there's wisdom in it.
Michael Feynman
00:51:34
You're hearing teachings out in the world that are not giving credit where credit's due, but are biblical wisdom.
Michael Feynman
00:51:41
And there is no wisdom like biblical wisdom.
Michael Feynman
00:51:43
It is the wisdom of God rather than our little pea sized brain.
Michael Feynman
00:51:47
We can lean on the wisdom of the Lord.
Michael Feynman
00:51:50
And I'm telling you, it will change your life.
Michael Feynman
00:51:52
It doesn't mean you need to convert to Christianity, but there's freedom in that.
Michael Feynman
00:51:58
And if you will study that word, you will find how to be a father.
Darrell Snow
00:52:02
I love your message.
Darrell Snow
00:52:04
I'm going to ask you the final question that I ask all of my guests.
Darrell Snow
00:52:09
What does a warrior spirit mean to Michael Feynman or having a warrior spirit?
Michael Feynman
00:52:15
I think touching base on what we just said.
Michael Feynman
00:52:17
It's being willing to stand up and talk about what you believe in and stand for what you believe in and not care what anybody else says.
Michael Feynman
00:52:25
The only person that I care about on how they see me is my father in heaven and my son.
Michael Feynman
00:52:32
I don't care what anyone else thinks of me.
Michael Feynman
00:52:34
I know who I am.
Michael Feynman
00:52:35
I know whose I am.
Michael Feynman
00:52:36
And to be a warrior means to stand up for what you believe in and unashamedly be willing to step up and share the glory of God and the truth about who you are without fear of reproach.
Darrell Snow
00:52:52
Well, I appreciate that you are in my circle now and know getting to know you, it is amazing.
Darrell Snow
00:52:59
The things that you do and the things that you are bringing to the table are definitely necessary, especially at this tumultuous time in our society.
Darrell Snow
00:53:09
Men stepping up to be men again and being fathers to their children is an important message for sure.
Darrell Snow
00:53:18
So I appreciate you and I thank you for joining me today.
Michael Feynman
00:53:21
Thank you, brother.
Michael Feynman
00:53:22
I appreciate what you're doing too.
Michael Feynman
00:53:23
It's great to spend time with you and I look forward to more.
Darrell Snow
00:53:26
Thank you.
Darrell Snow
00:53:27
And if you would like to connect with Michael, you can certainly do so on his website, the dadlink.com or on his YouTube channel at the DadLink community.
Darrell Snow
00:53:41
And as always, I want to thank you for joining us on this edition of A Warrior Spirit.
Darrell Snow
00:53:47
Be sure to hit that like or subscribe button so you catch all the episodes.